So here is the deal. I’ve spent this summer doing an internship is rural Africa. It has honestly been a challenge. The project was not what we were sold, it is falling apart due to lack of local support, and our standard of living is low. Basically, we are stuck in a remote house with no transport out, working on a largely ficticious project. That said, there are some good points. We have a great host family, some really fascinating political stuff is playing out before our eyes, and there is plenty of time for self-improvement…I’m running daily 5ks and plowing through a French grammar book.
I am here with a student from my university, who is in my program. She is a foreign student from what I gather is a relatively modern Asian family. She has been raised to respect her traditions, but is not exceptionally conservative and has had lived the life of a modern 20 something. She is smart, opinionated and well educated, but has lived a fairly sheltered life. She hasn’t quite grown in to her own, and I think that makes her a bit lost and moody.
Last year she began to date a guy. He is from her country and has a “good” degree. He seems nice enough, but I’m not the only one to notice there is something that just doesn’t feel right when they are together.
He is six years older than here, and eager to settle down. Although it has only been six months, he has bascally picked out baby names. She is, as befits someoein their early 20s, not ready for that. But she does like him and doesn’t want to lose him. I think she is also drawn to the idea of her marriage being taken care of. She can see the path to a “correct” future right in front of her. She likes him enough, and it seems so easy and right. She wouldn’t get married for a few years, but she would like to stay with him on that track.
Two things stand out to me. One is that she has almost no enthusiasm for this future. She keeps talking about her upcoming birthday saying “it’s all downhill from here” and lamenting that her fun ad freedom are ending and that she can no longer do stuff like internships in Africa- this from someone who isn’t yet 25! When she talks about him, her eyes don’t light up. She talks about how the relationship is good and how she likes the relationship and how satisfactory he is, but i doesn’t really sem to be about him as a person. She likes him well enough, but rarely seems excited about the specifics. When she talks about marriage, she seems activey depressed by the idea, although she professes to want to believe in i.
She has a lot to her, but doesn’t really inhabit it. She defaults to mopey and passive. She has dreams, but they are not well defined. She has consistently taken the path less taken, but she seems to think that is just a childish indulgence. In other words, she has a bit of finding herself to do. There is some negotiating that needs t happen between social expectations, her own expectations, and whatever hidden thing sets her heart on fire. She is convinced it won’t end up with her living the life she wants but can’t articulate.
And her boyfriend…she is having a tough time here. She is sleeping until noon, barely working, moping, and staying up late chatting. He calls her literally hours a day, sometimes everal times. When he calls, she drops everything and disappears for hours. On safari, in a meeting, at the dinner table…if he calls, he is the priority. I’ve seen times when she tries to tell him she is busy or that she has to go, and he tries to keep her on the phone. It may just be language, but she never sounds happy on these calls. It affects her work, and I can’t help but feel it has affected her ability to enjoy life here. She is never really “here,” she has not been mentalally or physically present to make the relationships and learn the knowledge that could possibly make this rewarding. Cross cultural adaptation is tough, and it is a “what you put in to it is what you get out of it” thing. She has put little in to it, and is unsurprisingly pretty miserable.
I feel like he is being controlling. He is over 30, has been in America a while and plenty worldly. He knows perfectly well that she has some growing up to do. Despite the problems, this was a golden opportunity for her to expand her horizons and build her confidence, and she spent most of it in bed whispering in to the phone. His job as the older and much more experienced partner is to cultivate her, to encourage her to push her limits, and to really embrace this experience for all it is worth. He should be shooing her off the phone and encouraging her to live in her present. He’s 30. He has the bearing of a well-adjusted frat boy who just got an MBA. He doesn’t have emergencies he needs a 24 year old to solve for him. He isn’t lost and in need of her support. He can take care of himself and knows perfectly well that she isn’t as mature as him.
It just doesn’t seem like a situation where he truly cares about her, about what she needs, and about how he can help make her a better, happier, more in control person.
I worry that she i going to waste years on this guy before realizing that it isn’t serving her. She already lost a once-in-a-lifetime summer (did I mention she changed her tickets to leave two weeks early…she has money and could easily spend that time exploring a place she will probably never com back to, where she hasn’t done the tourist stuff…) She just doesn’t seem happy. I eally don’t think they should be thinking marriage. She really needs some time and space to grow up.
So, can I tell her this? I don’t want to hurt our friendship, and we are in tight quarters. My mother would say not everyone is as adventurous as me, and I shouldn’t look down on people who take the safe path. She has said already (when I said WTF to the idea that the good part of her life is over) that I don’t understand the cultural expectations she has and deals with.And then there is the fact that it is basically never a good idea to get involved in other people’s relationship…and who am I to give advice? I could just be jealous that only my mom calls me for a weekly check in.
But then, maybe some time down the lines she’ll look back and say “you know, this isn’t working and it is playing out how Sven predicted. Maybe I should pay attention to what is happening.” Reality checks take a bit to sink in, but it is useful to have a reference to reality when you are looking back and reassssing things- something that adds evidence to the the idea that whet you saw was real.