What do I do here?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have recently started dating someone, and things are great…

We get along really well, we always have fun together, we genuinely enjoy just being with each other… He is perfectly sweet, intelligent, and he can make me laugh like no other.

Unfortunately for me… Because of my dating him, I have managed to make an enemy of the female sort. They are good friends, and they have “dated” - I suppose you could say - in the past and she still very much so wants to be with him, yet he doesn’t feel the same. Her and I were fine before this, in fact, we got along pretty well…Now…

I have no problem with her, but it is becoming an issue as we share some of the same friends, and our biggest common denominator (the boy) is the reason she hates me. In all honesty, she is a good person, but we were never really “friends” and I didn’t feel the need to put my happiness on hold… I seem like a complete and total bitch, but he and I had been talking for quite some time, and we really like each other. I am not stopping him from being with her, I always tell him he always has that option, I would never stop him from being happy… He wants to be with me…

…WELL… I recently went to a party with him, she was there… and so was her mom… You know that feeling you get when you know you are being discussed? Yeah, I had that, and as it turned out… I was not wrong…

And now, EVERY time we are in the same room she gives me murderous looks…

I want to say something to her, but I’m not sure what. I don’t want to be rude, and I don’t care to yell… I just want to level with her… If he doesn’t want to be with her, and he says that, why can’t she just let him be with me?

Thoughts?

2

My thought is that I’m really glad I’m not in high school.

3

You are an obstacle to something she desires – and has desired since before you came along. It doesn’t matter that she can’t have it. So long as there’s nothing blocking her line of sight to him, in her mind, there’s still a chance. It also doesn’t matter what he said. I’m sure that deep down – or maybe not so deep depending on how self-delusional she allows herself to be – she thinks that in time, she can change his mind about her, and then he’ll be hers. To her, you’re distracting him and preventing her from that goal, and the closer you two outwardly appear to get, the more she’s going to hate you because the further she’ll feel you’re taking him away from her.

Yeah, it’s stupid, irrational, petty and vindictive. That pretty much describes the entirety of teenhood, and if my own teen years were any indication, there’s probably not a damn thing you can do about it short of dumping the guy. Not that I’m suggesting you do. That really depends on whose friendship you value more, and from the sound of it, she wasn’t really a close friend to begin with.

That’s my $0.000004 cents, adjusted for the current economic climate.

4

I can see that… But I always feel like if you really care about someone you will do whatever it takes to make them happy… I just don’t understand what can drive people to be so selfish… I guess I am in a way… But if I’m making someone else happy, shouldn’t the cancel things out?

To others : Please keep in mind that this is a college environment, and all said people involved are older than I am.

It’s not my immature drama, it’s me asking for the most mature way to handle things… I’ve been really quiet, and let her keep talking, whatever it is she is saying… I don’t get catty, or bitchy… I just… Keep to myself.

I guess this is one of those things I just have to let time handle.

5

In an ideal world, sure. But an ideal world wouldn’t contain any humans, because we’re too damn self-involved to make it happen. We’re all selfish to one degree or another; we want what we want, reason and rationality be damned. The only difference between her and you is how you’d deal with the same situation in reverse. Obviously she’s seething with jealousy. You have what she wants, and now she wants him more than ever because he’s even more unavailable than ever – if we can be illogical for a moment and assume that the quality of being available comes in degrees.

There’s just no way to make everyone happy here, least of all her. Her sights are set on him and you’re standing in the crosshairs. I doubt anything you could do or say (again, short of dumping him) will make her feel any better about the situation, so the best thing to do is nothing at all. Wherever possible just keep your distance, and if you find yourself talking to her just remain cordial but aloof and don’t take anything she says to heart. Anything bad she says or does is born of jealousy and designed to bait you. Don’t feed the green-eyed monster; it may not stop things from escalating, but at least any escalation will have to be hers alone. She’s just not worth giving and satisfaction to. It may not be your drama, but she’s trying to draw you into it anyway.

Again, this is just my personal opinion and worth not a penny more than the cover price. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by biting your tongue, though, but you’re right. Time is the only thing that’s going to help here.

6

Congratulations. You’re already handling it in the most mature way possible.

Continue to stay away from her as much as possible. Be polite when you have to talk to her. Ignore her dirty looks. Ignore her attempts to bait you. Don’t cut her down to other people. Be the bigger person. If this continues, she’s going to just look worse and worse, and you’ll just look better and better. Not only to your social circle, but to the boy too.

It might be worth limiting the PDA with the boy for the time being. You shouldn’t have to do that, but it might be worth it if it will help break the cycle. Private displays of affection, on the other hand…

7

[quote=“Green_Bean, post:6, topic:485143”]

Congratulations. You’re already handling it in the most mature way possible.

Continue to stay away from her as much as possible. Be polite when you have to talk to her. Ignore her dirty looks. Ignore her attempts to bait you. Don’t cut her down to other people. Be the bigger person. If this continues, she’s going to just look worse and worse, and you’ll just look better and better. Not only to your social circle, but to the boy too.

It might be worth limiting the PDA with the boy for the time being. You shouldn’t have to do that, but it might be worth it if it will help break the cycle. Private displays of affection, on the other hand…[/QUOTE
I guess so… I also feel like I’m being manhandled and not really able to enjoy my relationship to the fullest extent… awesome…

8

I’m reasonably certain that Vivid Entertainment has interpersonal-communication training films that provide appropriate strategies for dealing with just this situation.

9

hahaha…
oh dearrrrr

10

This is never good. An ex of mine did this all the time. It was this kind of constant needless insecurity that soon made her become my ex. Communication is good, but not this sort

11

let me rephrase from always to whenever it comes up…

12

I think next time I saw her I’d put my hands yea far apart and start singing this.

Oh, you’re looking for the mature way. Then what everyone else said.

If he’s worth his salt, and it sounds like he is, then he’ll recognize the difference between accepting and controlling and you guys will be on your way. I wish you well.

13

Her real problem is not with him or you. Keep taking the high road!

14

Haha thank you Lieu … thats hilarious! And thanks for the well wishing!

And I suppose I will just continue to keep my mouth shut, I just don’t want her to think she is going to scare me off at all… She won’t.

15

I’ve never let that kind of drama stand in the way of my own happiness. Lose the “friend” if she’s going to be such a bitch to you about the whole thing. You’re only going to make yourself miserable. You choose who to associate with, and you can/should drop this girl like a bad habit. If your other friends invite you out and she’s going too, just find an excuse not to go. People do it all the time; it’s part of the social contract.

By the way, please don’t get caught up in this:

This is the kind of mentality that gets people trapped in abusive relationships. You don’t automatically owe it to this guy to make him happy no matter what; he has to earn that.

Well, yeah. But he’s already chosen you. Deferring to her every time is only going to be a turn off.

Hostile Dialect,
Hostile Dialect, Narcissist

16

My thoughts… are that when exposed to a great many ellipses… my mind tends to wander… into uncharted territories.

… (for good measure)

17

I have a tendency to do that a lot and I find myself wanting to do it now, but I have fought the urge in order to keep you focused on my apology, I’m sorry.:stuck_out_tongue:

18

I agree with you, but I mean in general, not just in relationships, anyone that comes into my life deserves whatever it is that I can do to make them happy… Though I know the tendency to be this way in turn makes me some what of a “push over” I just choose my battles wisely, if something bad were to come out of it, I’m sure I wouldn’t stick around. I have been through enough to know better.

But thank you for your concern! And your comments!! : )

19

I don’t think there’s anything you can say to this girl that won’t make things worse, and if your boyfriend says anything, she’ll assume you put him up to it. Her problem engaging with reality is not your problem; if she persists, stop being around her. Ignoring her is okay, but you two don’t need her negative influence making you less happy than you should be that you have found a compatible partner.

20

They were really good friends, and honestly, I don’t quite understand how their relationship works, and I’m not sure I ever will. I just know that whenever he dates someone, she hates the girl, and they (my boyfriend and her) fight… I know she cares about my boyfriend, and I know that if she had the choice, she would be with him… but she doesn’t, not right now.

I would exhaust myself just to make him happy, and I’m happy to do that… But the second she has an issue with us or him, she gets angry and it affects him and our relationship…

and I feel bad because I just want everyone to be happy, and I know that’s naive but I am trying so hard here. I wish that she would just let him be happy with me, and be a good friend.

What is to be said of that?