My baby sister got divorced some months back. She and I talk at least once a week. My best friend in life is also divorced, though for considerably longer. I talk with each of them about once a week. Baby Sis and Best Friend in Life are friends independent of me, and they also talk frequently (and communicate via Facebook more).
Not long ago, the three of us were in the same city and got together. Baby Sis’s ex-husband came up, and she mentioned that I was unique among our siblings (including BFiL, who is a member of our family in all but genetics) in having liked him. I told her that I’d never really cared for him; I just always thought that, while they were married anyway, it was inappropriate of me to venture the opinion that he was a selfish jackass in need of a punch in the schnozz. Baby Sis was surprised to hear that I’d kept my peace for so long; BFiL laughed, as she and I had had virtually the same exchange after HER marriage broke up. Incidentally, both of them had told the other about their misgivings about the other’s husbands.
Which brings me to the thread question. If someone you love is romantically involved with a person you just can’t stand, how quick are you to share your misgivings? If you are quick to share your opinions, why are you so free? If you are reticent, what motivates you to be that way, and what could motivate you to break your silence?
Oh, and no need to wait for the poll. There isn’t one.
Unless I really dislike they way they treat my friend, or see other serious red flags, I hold my tongue. Most men irritate the fuck out of me, and a new relationship means I am forced to spend most time with the two of them rather than just with my friend as I prefer, so I pretty much always can’t stand my friend’s boyfriends, at least at first. They often grow on me… slowly.
Several times a friend of mine has been dating someone who was emotionally abusive to them or otherwise an asshole/untrustworthy (drugs or alcohol involved here usually). In those cases I sat my friend down and had some serious talks about it. My friends understand I care deeply about their welfare and would never want to sabotage a healthy relationship for them, and took it well. None of them are with those guys anymore (sometimes it took way too long for them to leave though!).
I have only ever commented on two people’s romantic partners:
Case 1, my best friend was married to a man who ridiculed her when she was trying to stop smoking after she became pregnant. He would dangle cigarette packages in front of her and blow smoke in her face. I said I thought that was pretty inappropriate.
Case 2, my brother was engaged to marry a woman who set off every spidey-sense I’ve got. I told him I didn’t trust her and she unnerved me.
The friend is still married to the asshole. The brother married someone else and the last I heard, she had violated her parole from prison after a number of years spent behind bars for various theft and drug-related incidents, including her theft from my brother.
Only if I see some serious red flags, OR if they ask my opinion. If someone asks me what I think of their mate, I’ll couch it as diplomatically as possible, but I’ll tell them what I think.
Case in point: my best friend’s (now, thankfully, ex) boyfriend continually told her “I’m not good enough for you, I’m a manipulative person, I don’t deserve a relationship but I feel so much better with you…I don’t want to seek treatment for my depression but I love being with you.” When she asked me what I thought about this, I told her–nicely–that when someone is telling you what they are, it’s your duty to see that. So I gave her my unbiased opinion, on several occasions when she asked for it.
I say nothing but immediately compare notes with our other friends.
One of my friends dated a very bad guy for years and it ended violently, he’s in prison. I wish we would have gone past the ‘comparing notes’ phase and told her that he seemed like a dick.
That’s got to be a rare situation though so I suppose it’s best to be polite.
Same here, but I try to avoid spending time with the offending SO and if asked, will tactfully say why (i.e. “It makes me uncomfortable when Ted gets drunk and starts verbally abusing you”). (ETA: I realize verbal is abuse and have therefore contradicted myself.)
I don’t understand how you think you’ve abused yourself. It’s possible to interact verbally without being abusive; it’s possible to interact verbally while being abusive; and it’s possible to be abusive in other ways than verbally. Your construction seems perfectly clear to me.
Why is there no poll? I’m as mad as I’ve ever been! Literally angry with rage!
It depends. If the person I love is being abused (emotionally or physically or whateverly) I would tell her what is wrong with him, try to help her, and stage mini-interventions as much as possible. But if it’s just a personality conflict, meh. It’s not like I’m married to the guy. I really don’t like my mom’s current SO, but I haven’t told her that. I put up with him when I visit her and then I go home. Even if I don’t like him personally, I’m content that he makes her happy.
If someone is constantly bitching to me about their SO, and doesn’t want advice, and never does anything to improve the situation or dump his/her sorry ass, all bets are off. I would likely stop being friends with a person who did this, and I would make the topic taboo if it’s a family member or other person I can’t stop talking to. I can’t listen to your “horrible” first-world problems and your total unwillingness to do anything about them. At that point you are enabling someone to treat you like shit, and I don’t want anything to do with you. I’m too much a problem-solver for that. And I don’t like consistently negative people.
Because I couldn’t be arsed. Is there any other reason?
I will send over a hookerbot to soothe you as soon as you specify your celebrity preference. Please note that the Taye Diggs and Kate Winslet models require a 2-day lead time while the Philip Frye and Amy Wong models are available on ten minutes notice.
I learnt in my teenage years that it’s generally best to keep schtum while also not saying anything overtly positive; don’t go out of your way to agree with their justifications for their partner’s behaviour. If you’re too critical, it will make it more difficult for your friend to turn to you when you break up, and waaay more difficult if they get back together. But your friends will also notice if you’re not that positive about their partner.
The one time I did voice a very strong opinion it was because he was one of the most despicable people to ever walk the earth, just with less ambition than people like Hitler; my friend and I were close enough that I could be really honest. One of our other friends then started dating him and he basically ground her down to mush. We were teenagers, so I thought it’d be a phase, and she did know that we all thought she could do a lot better.
But then they lived near me a few years later and she was covered in bruises and she’d just had her third miscarriage. She’d fallen down the stairs, she said. It was too late to tell her anything then - the look in her eyes was like there was no ‘her’ left to tell.
Fortunately I’ve liked pretty much everyone my friends have married (I have no siblings so that’s not an issue), except, sadly, the person my BFiL married.
He doesn’t treat her well, though it doesn’t (thankfully) go so far as physical abuse.
When she told me they were thinking of getting married, I suggested that perhaps she’d want to think about that pretty hard. She had self-esteem issues and her parents had a horrible marriage that ended when she was a small child, so I really don’t think she saw what I saw. She was also desperate to marry and he offered, so … yeah.
Turns out, a whole bunch of us in her wedding party heartily encouraged her to think twice during a fitting for our dresses. You don’t have to go through with it, we said! That was when I knew it wasn’t just me who was thinking thinking the same thing. Way late. Too late.
They are still married. Nothing’s changed except they live thousands of miles away so at least I don’t have to cringe on a regular basis. I doubt anything I could have said would have changed things, but I often wonder what would have been if …
This one is hard for me because I have a lot of friends who like to confide in me and vent about negatives in their relationships. It can be tightrope walk sometimes trying to balance being a good listener and supportive friend with saying how I really feel about the significant other in question. But I generally won’t venture my opinion unless there’s a significant (and unhealthy) problem that has made itself apparent.
Heh. Many years ago this guy I knew was marrying this woman who was all wrong for him. She was demanding that he buy her this $15k wedding ring when he made about $20k a year (but was in the process of expecting a $200k inheritance), making all kinds of negative observations about the people he hung out with and generally proving herself a control freak.
I said something to him questioning the idea of marrying someone who was demanding such a hugely expensive ring up front on his income.
The next time I came over, she walked into the room and demanded to know why I was there, then stomped off in anger.
That was the last time I was there, and the last time I saw him for more than 10 years.
