I couldn’t find out who Philip Frye was and I don’t want Taye Diggs (though he is pretty enough), so…Jude Law?
Rachellogram was making a Futurama reference; Frye is the main character of that show. And you know you get anything you want.
It’s a Futuramareference
About 8 years ago, I had a friend who had a loser boyfriend who did things like apply for jobs several time zones away without discussing it with her first while he was living with her. She used to bitch about him a lot to me.
Finally one day I mentioned that I thought she’d already decided that he wasn’t her long-term partner, and the rest was just a matter of time. I was right, as it turned out (she dumped him not long afterward), but I lost the friend.
The only time I’ve ever said anything outright negative about any of my loved ones’ mates was about a guy that my BFF dated shortly after being widowed.
The first time that I met him (about two months after they began dating), he set every alarm off in my head. He was fifteen years younger than she was, but that wasn’t the problem. What was the problem was that he was waaayyyy to friendly toward her grandkids (my g-nephew and niece), who were pre-schoolers at the time. It was the first time he had been introduced to the family and my niece’s husband picked up on this guy’s behavior too.
When my BFF asked me what I thought in private, I told her honestly. She was pissed at the time but got over it. She dropped him shortly thereafter. A few months down the road, she heard from the person who introduced her to him. The asshole was awaiting trial for child molestation.
I have never been sorry that I spoke up.
Currently I’m not too impressed with my sister’s choice of mate. They only time I told her what I thought is when she asked me. Usually prompted by lughead being himself and pissing her off which lead her to venting to us, and what he did would prompt most women to pack up and leave. But it became apparent after awhile this was just a therapy session for her and she had no intention of leaving. He messed big time and continues to do so. He takes her for granted and it makes me sick.
It’s a good thing he found her because I’m pretty sure there’s is no other women on this planet would put up with his shit.
(I.E. of his behaviour) he owes her a fair sum of money. He recently came into an extremely large amount of money and hasn’t paid her back yet.
But ever since she had a kid with him a year ago. I’ve kept my mouth shut and it’s going to stay that way.
I’m done with the circus.
Wow, I didn’t realize Winslet was such a hot commodity. Must be these cold autumn nights. I’ll take an Ed Norton, please :3
I definitely hold my tongue. If I thought someone were in imminent danger from physical or emotional abuse, I’d speak up, but that has never happened. If it did, I doubt I would approach the matter by attacking the spouse - instead I might say something like “you seem terribly upset after what BadGuy said to you last night and it isn’t the first time it has happened; it makes me wonder if you are thinking about making any changes to your life. I want you to know that I will support you if you do.”
My mother has hated my wonderful husband for 30 years and has been quite free in expressing her dislike. (Most recently, she demanded that he never be in the same room that I’m in when she and I are on Skype calls.) Frankly I probably wouldn’t have a great relationship with her anyway, since she wouldn’t dream of holding her tongue on ANYTHING about me she disapproves of. However, the fact that she has been so ungenerous in her assessment of a man who is gentle, loving, an excellent provider, a wonderful dad, and who absolutely puts me on a pedestal, doesn’t help at all.
Perhaps it is because I have been on the receiving end of the “your-spouse-is-a-jerk” message, when that spouse is someone I love deeply, that I so firmly believe in staying quiet.
Ah. I obviously don’t watch Futurama.
That super sucks. Have you addressed it with her. Do you have children? I’d never let her near my kids. If you can’t respect their daddy, you are poison to them - sorry.
It would depend.
Middlebro? The closest I’ve come to mentioning I dislike his dearest almost as much as she dislikes me (1) is telling him that in many respects she resembles Mom (which she does) and that her presence has actually done a lot to improve my relationship with Mom since Mom’s best friend and I pointed out that SiL is, pretty much word by word, identical to what she would have described as her ideal daughter - and that is, in a nutshell, the reason the two of them hate each other’s guts, two queen bees in the same hive just doesn’t jibe. That ideal daughter I’ll never be, but hey, I don’t fight either of those two for the spotlight either. I certainly never intend to tell him that I think giving their firstborn her father’s unused name and telling our side (including Middlebro) just as the kid was getting the waters was a completely dick move, or that by the time Ms Fashion Victim joins a trend, that trend has been on its way out for at least a year…
Other people, I’ve mentioned specific behaviors, but most of the people I talk with have thicker skins than Middlebro: if you say “I’d appreciate it if you could get your SO to close the faucet completely after washing his hands”, they don’t consider it a personal assault. If you say (as someone once told me) “you know, your friend K and you should probably just switch boyfriends, you’re like flipped matches or something”, they don’t go into a crying jag.
That’s one thing I like about my SiL… she puts up with Middlebro 
1: I used to make an effort - until that day she told me she wouldn’t ever see me “if he didn’t for some reason I don’t understand insist on it… I mean, my brother is my brother so of course I love him and want to see him, but why would I want to see you?” Sorry, I’ll be courteous to her for my brother and nephews’ sake, but personally, the main reason I wouldn’t invite her to kiss my ass is that I like my ass better than that. There’s been other glorious blow ups on her part but completely missing the relationship between “I love my brother” and “my husband loves his sister” was particularly idiotic. I’m trying to keep the idiotic from infecting her children, inaslittle as I can.
If I want to maintain the friendship, I keep my mouth shut.
I think you meant you don’t understand how I contradicted myself, yes? I was agreeing with Anaamika that I’d hold my tongue unless “I really dislike they way they treat my friend, or see other serious red flags”, but said I would speak up if my friend asked why I avoided their SO. Unfortunately, the example I gave of what I would say was of the kind of abuse I wouldn’t have to be prompted to discuss. :o
Let’s just pretend that I said what CairoCarol said:
Yep. I caught it after the edit window closed.
In high school, I knew a number of girls who dated guys who were really not a good fit for them - vast difference in maturity levels was usually the main issue. I think this happens a lot in high school because people care more about the idea of being in a relationship than who they’re with, and for some reason American society seems to expect girls to be more emotionally mature than guys when they’re teenaged.
But I can think of some examples where I personally disliked the guy in question - it went beyond immaturity to inappropriate comments, not understanding personal space, generally off-putting behavior. None of these guys were abusive, they just had serious issues with socializing. And in these examples I would say, if necessary, that I wasn’t comfortable hanging out around them. I usually had good luck telling people to their faces that their behavior made me uncomfortable, but sometimes it doesn’t work.
These girls always ended up dumping the guys because they realized they deserved better, incidentally.
I keep my mouth shut. Though in once case, I got into serious argument with a good friend’s wife, who I had already disliked for years, and I never heard from either of them again. I guess I overestimated the level of friendship.
We have a son - her only grandchild, since I’m an only child myself - and she adores him. She doesn’t despise my husband openly in front of our child, she saves it all up for when just the two of us are talking.
Although she behaves herself in front of my child, overall it DOES suck. But I have long since realized that having some kind of damaging family relationship in one’s background is fairly common. Many families have a toxic person or two around - the trick is to find your own healthy method for dealing with the situation, rather than to feel as if you have a uniquely burdensome family relationship to endure. For some, a healthy response means completely cutting off the relationship; for others like myself, it means trying not to let it have too much negative impact on my life (anonymous ranting on message boards helps sometimes 
).
I have never liked either of my sister’s husbands. With the first one, I kept my mouth shut until the nasty, messy divorce proceedings started up. Then, when she’d call me to vent, I took that as permission to speak my mind. It was actually more damaging than helpful because, first, she chose him, so saying he was a douchebag is a comment on her taste/choices. And secondly, the horse was out of the barn. It wasn’t like I was going to prevent them from getting married by pointing out DH#1 was a dick. They already were, with two kids! So my comments just made her feel like shit.
Which is why I’ve kept my mouth shut about DH#2, who is actually worse than the first guy (more controlling, more manipulative, dumber, lower self-esteem). I had to throw down some hard boundaries with that guy (“You might get to control everyone else in your life, but you won’t be controlling me, so you can back the fuck off, okay?”). Finally, she left him about a year ago and I’m still holding my tongue, because she loves him. But she’s finally realized how horrible he is for her and is taking her life back, which happens to include divorcing him. He’s actually being cool about it and they have a good friendship, so she’s a little bit sad about the divorce, but not sad enough to call it off. She knows this is for the best overall. So talking shit about DH#2 would just hurt her.
If an SO was beating the crap out of my friend/relative/loved one, or I saw other serious signs of danger, I would speak up, in the most diplomatic way I could think of. “I’m really concerned for your safety; how can I help you?”
My sister was living with an abusive dick and my brother and I finally told her he was an abusive dick, eventually they broke up and the guy is on death row for killing his next girlfriend, so that was a good time to speak up.
My brother is married to someone who I find kind of annoying and passive agressive, I keep my yap shut. No one is on death row for passive agressive in the first degree.