We all have that one friend...

In My Humble Opinion
1

About three years ago I re connected with a class mate from elementary school. I do not say friend, we weren’t ever friend until these last few years. But we grew up about a block away from each other, were in Grades 1-3 and 7-8 together.  I also knew who his brother is, his brother was in a split 5/6 class with me. We went to the same high school but I don’t think we had any classes together. At any rate I tried to put my elementary days behind me and I have zero memories of him from Grade 9 onward.

Anyway, though the magic of Facebook we reconnected.  We are now both living in Vancouver.  Early on in our chatting he apologized for being a jerk in his younger days. He is on the autistism spectum and has a bit of a rude streak.  He never seemed odd to me In elementary school,  but says in high school he fell apart, really was unable to cope in a large high school and had trouble in post secondary and eventually dropped out. He has esteem issues and mental health issues on top of (or because of?) his autism. He is also gay (and seems to have some internalized homophobia.)

All that being said I see the messed up kid in the 48 year old man.  I invite him for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, and he comes about a third of the time.  I give him advice about his aging parents. We go for lunch or supper or catch a movies every few months.   He(And his younger brother… they are 15 months apart… younger brother lives in Toronto…brother has his own problems but is generally the more functional of the two) have told me things  remembered from “ye olden days” which have changed the way I view my childhood… in a good way.

But he is awful when it comes to social issues. He reads my posts, the # me too commentary,  the comments on racism and privilege and class stuggles. Unlike on the SDMB,  I am very leftist/political on my FB page.  He comments. At times I have had to remove his replies to my posts.
Unfortunately, that usually ends up with me explaining in detail why I took that action.   At least 4 members of the SDMB who are also my friends on Facebook have had quarrels with him on my wall.

This week I posted an article likening rape to stealing money out of a purse.  He started on women shouldn’t dress like sluts. I basicalky told him I love him like family but change your opinion or shut up. He persisted. He was taken down by **Dr Drake [\b] (thank you!) I doubt my friend “gets it” though. I haven’t had the long “why can’t I share my opinion about this”? talk this time, but it’s probably coming.

He is autistic but high functioning. He is also caustic sarcastic rude and at the same time can be funny and sweet. I get more out of my friendship with him than the editing/removal /subsequent discussions cost me (time and energy) I tried limiting the posts he sees but we have a few friends in common and quite honestly blocking or limiting what he sees that creates more problem than it is worth. I won’t block him.

I am educating myself about autism in general and how it manifests in him in particular. But  I don’t want to spend all my time on this.  This post alone is almost too much. Any suggestions from the collective wisdom of the dope?

TL:DR A childhood friend is autistic and has awful political opinions. I care about him anyway, what can I do if I won’t block him?

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2

Change your opinions to agree with his?

<d&r>

3

So there you are at a party, where another guest pukes on someone. That ruins the gathering for you, so out of respect to the host, you quietly leave without the host even knowing that you were there, rather than call out the drunk, for doing so would be very rude toward your host, and would not have any positive effect on the drunk, because drunks are what they are.

But when that same drunk shows up at further parties, you do not feel comfortable, so you find yourself wondering why you are attending the parties. Eventually you stop going, despite the host being a perfectly good person who would rather not have someone puking on others at her parties.

4

Well, of course, you know that I know exactly who you’re talking about.

I think you’ve handled him just fine.

Also, not every Facebook comment needs to be liked or addressed. Just stepping away is fine. In fact just not responding at all can be cathartic for me, in a “I’m not stooping to your level” kind of manner.
As a famous poet once said: “Let it be.”

5

Well here’s the thing. I have a much higher ability to tolerate puking drunks than I do misogynists and racists, for puking drunks only spread vomit, whereas misogynists and racists spread hatred against people. When misogynists and racists start up, my immediate and strong inclination is to verbally eviscerate them, giving no quarter, so I find it frustrating to have to hold my tongue, for although I cannot change their vile opinions, I can temporarily drive them to ground and thereby make it clear to any observers that misogyny and racism are bad – very bad.

That is not something that I would do to a friend’s friend on Facebook, for by hurting her friend I would be hurting my friend. So I walk away, but at some point I simply would not return.

6

Would keeping him as a Facebook friend but pointing out his inappropriate behaviour when it takes place and immediately asking him to leave that particular thread without prejudice to his being welcome in further threads do any good?

7

[Sarcasm mode]
Sure I will get right on that.

Especially if a man tells me to.
[\Sarcasm Mode]

Muffin, the puked at the party is a really strong analogy. He stinks up the place that bad, hmm? Thank you for your honesty.

Leaffan, thank you. Up till now I have mostly been letting it be, or deleting the most egregious posts and letting the rest slide. But Muffin has a point… if other people are finding his posts too unpleasant and they stop reading/commenting etc on my stuff that is no fun for me or anyone else who wants to read /comment on my posts.

It’s so annoying. I didn’t want to change my settings and put him on the same list as “aunts who can only see cute pictures and no political stuff”. That causes other problems. I like to give him a bit of leeway because of his autism but it can be exhausting.

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8

I’d probably block them and let the fallout fall where it may. I figure it’d be less damage that way rather than getting into a brouhaha with one or more of your friends.

9

IANA FB user so I may not get the terminology right.

You have no obligation to let the goof use your FB page and your FB friends as his soapbox for his comments. If he has demonstrated that he is unable to play in your pool by your rules, ban him. Just as we do here.

He is certainly free to create his own FB page and post his comments there. He is free to attract whatever audience he’s able to.

Muffin’s analogy was fine except for confusing your role. You and the goof are not both guests at some third person’s party. Instead the goof is a guest at *your *party and keeps barfing on *your *couch and rug.

You can let him keep barfing in your house or you can stop letting him barf in your house. What you cannot do is stop him barfing; he’s gonna do it somewhere.
And as to your title: “We all have that one friend …”.

Well, no we all don’t. I’ve certainly encountered people like your goof over the years. But if they’re more trouble *to me *than they’re worth to me, they get de-friended promptly. Life is too short to spend energy fixing the unfixable. Some people are just writeoffs in one way or another.

10

I’ll echo** LSLGuy**…no, we don’t.

I don’t want to hijack this thread, but I will mention that I’m well-known for dropping friends because of infidelity. That’s the deal-killer for me. Cheat on your spouse? You’re outta here.

If you are simply a “difficult” friend (drinking too much, wrong social behavior, hard to be around, needy, etc.), I can work with you. Cheat? Bye.

11

As the parent of an autistic child, I think something similar to this approach is likely the best. Don’t dance around it. Just tell him what he did or did not do that could be interpreted as offensive (or was offensive). Be very blunt, and remember that he is likely more literal in his interpretation of events and even words than you realize.

Make one attempt, and be very clear that you will not discuss it further. Autistic people can argue until the sun goes dark. Don’t get sucked into it. Explain once, and move on.

12

Thank you all who posted. I am interested in responses from others who have experience with autistic adults.

It also makes me wonder why I value this one guy more than the people he hurts with his comments. I’m letting all these responses tumble around and I will see where I end up.

Thanks to all who have posted.

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13

I respect your stance on infidelity. My dad is like that. A life-long friendship vanished when his friend from childhood cheated on his wife.

I may not share my dad’s all- or-nothing viewpoint, but I respect his clarity and decisiveness on the issue.

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14

I am that one friend.

Oh, wait! No I’m not! I don’t have any friends.

15

Exactly what my friend would say.

Now I am suspicious. But here’s a test:
What do you call a sort of rustic place beside a lake that one uses mainly in the summer?

(Only Muffin will find this funny.)

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16

Well, Patrick Breen would call it a “shanty”. I’d probably go with “cabin”.

17

This is part of what Thomas Wolfe meant when he said “You can’t go home again.” It’s also part of why I don’t fool with Facebook, Twitter or any other social media besides this message board. I have occasionally thought, “I wonder what ever happened to so-and-so.” Googling, I’ve found them, and not once have I been glad I did. This could be due to coming from West Texas, but the guys and even one distant cousin in another state I reconnected with … well, let’s just say it was nothing short of disappointing and a couple of times outright creepy.

18

I think this is exactly what you should do, and I don’t understand why you’re hesitating to do so. What “other problems” do you think this is going to cause? Your friend is already being a jerk on Facebook.

I can see not wanting to block a friend altogether, but put him on your restricted list so he can’t see anything but the most uncontroversial posts. If this hurts his feelings then that’s too bad. You’ve told him that you don’t like his behavior and that you want him to stop. He’s not putting any effort into trying to avoid hurting your feelings, and you have the ability and the right to control of who sees your Facebook posts.

19

I don’t know if this will help, but you can block him from seeing certain posts you make without blocking him altogether. When you go to post one that you think he will react badly to, go to the drop down menu next to the “post” button and select “Friends except…” and you can put his name there and he won’t see the post or any replied. Just the next time you post change it back to “friends” and he will be able to see that post.

20

Well gang, jerk and brotjer are now in my aquaintence lost. The same ones as aunties who only get to see funny memes and travel pictures.

Its going to be a nuisance but less than policing his commenrs.

I wasnt going to do 'it at first but I can"t ignore the mass wisdom of the sdmb

Thanks all.

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