Ladies , communication

In My Humble Opinion
1

I think that my bucket of opinions wanted threads is starting to get a bit full, but hey when you need the info you go to the source.

Well anyways , as the title suggests this is about communication. Me and a bud are out on Friday, and girl of my dreams shows up and since she and my bud know each other from since they were knee high to grasshoppers, his opinions are suspect.

Now this is the girl that prompted the thread on Christmas presents, but as I suspected, that may not be an issue until next christmas. Me and bud are standing side by side and she comes up to him, and begins talking about a wedding with another mutual friend of ours in the summer, while with the exception of watching me out of her periferal vision, says nothing to me , and ignores me.

Since this has happened previously , I tended to ignore it and wait her out, and sure enough after about ten minutes of probably letting the matter percolate, with one of her girlfriends, she then comes up as if nothing has happened and chats me up about this and that.

So , in my opinion a message has been sent, she has communicated something to me that I cant decipher. So this evening, I sent one back on Facebook. Message recieved, cannot decipher (I’m predicting five girls will comment on that, to make matters worse lol).

I could simply ask her wtf, but I get the impression that what may have miffed her was not exactly ilegal in the relationship department, against the law yes, but not ilegal. So she may not quite have the moral highground, if one of her spies caught me talking to another girl.

I’m single and she is ending or has ended a relationship with another guy, from what she was telling me , somethings were omitted from the conversation that would have included he who shall not be named( not voltomort).

So while I am not the heir apparent for her affections exactly , I think I have a good shot sometime after christmas and am just waiting until her script says okay.

So girls , with the assumption that sometime in your life ,you sent a message without actually saying anything. What did you do when the guy just did not get it. Im not refering to guys that want to date you and just wont take the hint, but someone that you have an emotional investment in.

An aside, was this message meant to be deciphered (retorical question only)

Declan

2

Communication does seem to be an issue, because I can’t really decipher your post. What are you asking? Why she ignored you after you talked to another girl? She was probably annoyed at you, hence the silent treatment. I find her talking to you a few minutes later puzzling, but maybe she gets over being annoyed quickly.

3

You do realize what she’s doing, at least in my experience, is telling you that she actually does like you, right?

By almost completely ignoring you for the first 10 minutes, she’s making herself a commodity which you can’t have. Then, by showing you attention later, she’s flattering you by allowing you to have some of her.
Yes, this a real tactic for picking up the opposite sex. Yes, it works.

4

Megadittos.

What are you on about OP? Please state your question simply and clearly, I will do my best to answer.

5

Or, she’s just teasing at him to get some attention and flattery, but will recoil in horror and will gossip about to her friends on what a creep the o.p. is if he steps up and makes an actual advance.

Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you don’t have to work with her or otherwise suffer significant consequences, why not step up and take a swing? 'Course, if you hit, you’re going to be dating a woman who clearly has some communication difficulties, but even dream girls come with baggage; perhaps even moreso than girlsn who don’t haunt your dreams.

Stranger

6

Actually near the bottom of the post was a question, have the ladies on the dope ever used non verbal means of getting across a message that they are less than pleased with someones conduct, for want of a better word. It excluded people that don’t take hints about not interested , and only included people that they had an emotional investment in.

Declan

7

I don’t really expect people on the dope to untangle the situation, I don’t think it’s something that can be diagnosed by strangers who have not met either party, that’s my job, I wanted to see the responses based on what you might have used with a SO of yours , either present or past to see if I missed anything.

It was not an easy question to formulate, as while the question I should be asking her is relatively straightforward, I don’t expect a straightforward ansewer from her, more likely I would expect her to go turtle and say nope, nothing wrong.

The problem here on the dope, is that I gave too much information in an inchoherent manner that deviated the conversation.

Declan

8

I know we all say this, but I can say with confidence that she does not recoil in horror or think I am creepy. The fact of the matter was that she was out of my dating zone, not by much, but enough that I was not going to waste time trying to chat her up for romantic purposes. She was the one that stepped up to the plate and hit me out of the blue, so originally I fucked up with this lady.

As per your comment in bold, from talking with one of her previous ex’s, she has no problems communicating, at a decibel level out of proportion to her size.

Declan

D

9

I predict serious communications difficulties in your future, with this woman or any other.

Why, you ask?

Well, outside of your OP which was almost undecipherable, this gem;

“It excluded people that don’t take hints about not interested , and only included people that they had an emotional investment in.”

Which was actually intended, by you, to clear things up. What the devil is that supposed to mean?

Good God man, speak English already!

There are plenty of women here who would love to help you, but first you’re going to have to make yourself understood.

Is it this?

You’re warm for her, she’s sending you only lukewarm signals? Or is it that she spoke at length first with the person she knows better?

Give us a hint, at least, and please, try to be clear. If your post is actually about how cryptic women can be in communication, I gotta say you’ve got them all beat hands down!

10

There is a difference between talking (or, as you imply, screeching) and communicating.

Try this one out for size; walk up to her (in some semi-private, non-threatening venue) and say, “Hey, how would you like to go for dinner/movie/minigolf/other obvious date activity next Friday?” and see how she responds. That is, if you want to be cast as the “heir apparent” for her affections, rather than just this boy she can toy about with when she gets bored or insecure and wants to boost her self-esteem.

Stranger

11

No the point was not about her style of communicating, simply that once she is in a relationship she had no problems telling the SO at that time that something was wrong and what it was, its not like she is irrational or anything like that.

We are on different second shifts , mine is 330 to 12 and hers is something like 11 to 7 or something. Regarding your suggestion, with Christmas coming up its not realistic that she will have a day thats unblocked with pre planned activities, until the christmas to new years window.

For all I know she simply could have been pissed off at the world and then realized later that she was taking it out on me , hence the sudden end of the cold war. I really dont think that was the case, as it seemed to sudden to go from cold war to glasnost within ten minutes, it seemed more like an agile shift from plan a to plan b.

To the specifics of your suggestion, I am more likely to double down and increase the amount of women that I am talking to. She gets pissed off ,fine. Every time I have done that , she seems to have gotten my message clearly and increases her time with me , but doing that enough will become predictable.

I want to escalate this , so we are not ignoring the elephant in the room anymore and start actually talking or if it comes to it, declare myself single and freeze her out.

Declan

12

I guess I’m unclear as to what it is you are wanting or expecting. You seem to be conveying “messages” to her in oblique fashion (i.e. via Facebook, talking to other women, et cetera) and yet are confused that you’re not getting a clear response or consistent behavior in return. I’m not trying to be unduly critical of you, and Og knows I’m far from the best person to be giving advice about dating, but what’s stopping you from just walking up to her and saying, “How about getting together sometime for a game of Naked Scrabble?” (Warning: only say the “naked” part in your head, otherwise they look at you funny and avoid you in the coffeeshop.) If the answer is, “I’m busy until after Christmas, but how about we curl up in front of the fire on December 26th?” then that’s what it is, but at least then she has a clear understanding of your intentions, and you’ll get a message in return, albeit perhaps one you won’t really like, but at least then you’ll stop obsessing about it and asking questions on a message board, which never gives you the answer you’re looking for.

Just a thought. Whatever you decide to do, good luck, and keep your chin up.

Stranger

13

I’m a guy, thats in our guide to the care and feeding of.

Seriously, so we have communications issues, I can probably say with a certain amount of confidence that I am not the only guy, and that girls probably have communications issues as well, otherwise we would not need yentas.

IF I was to do a search on non verbal communications between men and women, just on the straight dope alone, I think I would be confident that ninety percent of the replies would be regarding unwanted suitors and not wanting to hurt feelings regarding telling that unwanted suitor. Some more posts would probably relate annecdotal comments regarding finally having to litterally tell someone that they are unwanted.

So I wanted to avoid those replies simply because they dont match the situation. Due bear in mind that I did not want people to solve my problems, but I wanted to see if there was any annecodotal stuff out there that might put a different light on the subject, from the replies and their lives.

Sorry but I cant give you a cut and dried, prepackaged problem that is clearly defined. At this point I am translating non verbal into verbal for myself as it is , let alone enunciate it enough to broadcast it clearly.

Hopefully , but if I cant effectively communicate the situation to the folks on the dope who are confused , this thread may be short lived until such time as I can.

The fact that she spoke with my buddy at length as you put it would not have put up any red flags by itself. She will normally socialize with a number of people over the course of the evening, but she would normally at least say hi, wave , acknowledge me in some way.

Normally I would expect that she would be talking to the both of us, even if the course of the converstation is directed towards him, or vice versa if she is talking to me. We were litterally standing shoulder to shoulder and she was offset to the right , while standing in front of both of us.

While her converstation is going on, her eyes are drifting towards me and even as my buddy was trying to redirect the coverstation to include me, she brushed it off and then headed over to girlfriend row.

I may not be able to communicate to you what you want to know, but I will at least try.

Declan

14

Thanks for the response stranger, I’l let you know how it progresses.

Declan

15

To hell with worrying if you’re misreading vague nonverbal communication.

Every guy is entitled to ask out every woman in the world exactly once, provided it’s done in a direct, polite, and non-creepy manner.

If she accepts, then hey, great.

If she shoots you down, then bummer. Move on. No woman worth being with is going to give you shit if you happened to miss her unspoken messages. If she does talk smack after a respectful comeon, then tell her that you’ll see her next Tuesday, and forget about it.

16

I wish someone had said this to me twenty years ago. It may not have helped in my flailing attempts at dating, but at least I would have been spared a lot of angst over the whole “Will she or won’t she?” question when the answer was there for the asking.

Stranger

17

Sounds like you’re desperately trying to find a pattern in her behavior that would indicate that she’s interested in you–that she’s choosing her actions in order to send you “signals.”

I think it’s more likely that it’s not a communication issue at all, but that she’s just not particularly romantically interested in you. Her “signals” are hard to decipher because they’re not signals at all.

I find it a little hard to believe that a woman who chooses to communicate in such an arcane method would suddenly transform into a paragon of transparency and straightforwardness once she’s actually in a relationship.

Nevertheless, I agree that you should go ahead and ask her out.

18

Maybe I can help. It sounds to me if you are trying to decipher if her behavior is an indication of:
a) I don’t like you.

or

b) try harder stupid.

My advice is “don’t”. You appear to have a case of what like to call “Onegina”. That means you are fixated on one particular woman as a potential love interest. Now the problem with that is you will focus all your attention on this one girl who may or may not be interested in you. She may arbitrarily reciprocate interest in you from time to time because:
a) she is a nice person
b) she likes the attention
c) it gives her a sense of power (in which case a) no longer applies)

So what will happen is that you will allow yourself to be strung along. Maybe she runs hot when another girl shows interest and runs cold when you are available and you are forced to chase your tail trying to figure out which.

My advice is just to try the direct approach. Walk up and strike up a conversation. If it appears to be going well, ask her on a date or something. If not, you have your answer and move on.

19

Sorry, Declan, I don’t think you can put this off as a guy thing or a woman thing - I agree that YOU are the one not communicating well, if your writing here is any example.

20

You put it best: “Message recieved, cannot decipher”

I’m a dude here, and I can’t figure out what you’re saying either, though I’m really curious about the whole not “ilegal” but against the law" stuff going on.
Did she ask you to partake in a heist? Was she a Nigerian Princess recently coming onto a large sum of money? Details, man, details!

Or if I was in your shoes, I’d ask my buddy what he thought of her interactions with myself or if he could get an idea of what she thought of me. Then ask her out, and then move on if it’s not the answer I was hoping for.