Am I an asshole?

The BBQ Pit
1

FUCK… Its the pit, I can say that…

I am so pissed.

Text…

Her: "Don't panic,  am fine, but I'm at the ER, company nurse sent me to ER."

I was on the road… Driving…

Her "Tried calling, going for MRI and Nitroglyceryn in a bit."

ME’ “Just got to XXXXXXX, need me to come home?”
I just got there and saw those texts. The driving thing…

Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.”

ME: “You said blood pressure.”

Her: “Either way no worries got to get work done.”

Her: "I tell you I am in the ER, and this is what you say, Yeah, fuck you, Stay at work, Fuck you. "

ME: (knowing how this shit goes) “You say don’t worry, blood pressure. Now fuck me. I was worried, now I’m supposed to go fuck myself.”

Her: “Yes, this is all about you right now. I’m sitting in the ER where my mom last was hooked up to cables and getting nitro, but yeah, I can handle it. My mistake for bothering you at work. Please go on feeling slighted. I said don’t worry because I thought you might, my bad.”

ME: “I asked if you needed me to come home… do you want or need me to come home… I don’t know what is going on and you are getting mad.”

HER: “I would have thought you would have been concerned enough that I, in the ER to not ask that. but I guess it is a long drive and you have work to do, I will be fine on my own. Sorry I bothered you, Won’t happen again.”

Me: (SUPER PISSED AT THIS POINT) “I failed mind reading in college.”

HER: “Yep, Sorry, forgot this was all about you. Whatever, I don’t need you, so go back to work.”

An hour later… I went home to where we both live… Big distances out here…

ME: “I dropped the dog off, where do you want me to go?”

Her: “I don’t care where you go. You should have stayed at work. I can take care of myself.”
I am so pissed off… I would have been there in half a second, and she knows this, but every time a crisis comes up… She has to start a fight…

Maybe I should have said “I’ll be there as soon as I can get there” My words weren’t proper. Now she is super pissed at me… Its the same exact thing everytime there is a crisis, treat eveybody that you need for support like absolute
garbage… Then bitch about it…
“I thought I could count on you!!!”.
“You told me to go FUCK myself and you could deal with it yourself”
“Fuck you”

Every single fucking time. I’m there, or I was there 100%, but being told to go fuck my self every single fucking time something happens is getting old. If something sucks, she has to make it suck 10X more.

2

She’s not completely in her right mind, because of the medical emergency. You’re doing the best you can.

In hindsight, I’m sure you can see places you could have said things better. Give her the same opportunity.

Learn from this, in case (God forbid!) something like this ever happens again. For now, let it go. Put it behind you. Bury it. “It didn’t happen.”

And…well…if this becomes a pattern that won’t stop recurring, then either get couples counseling, or “slip out the back, Jack.”

3

You both sound like assholes.

4

She didn’t act as well as she could have but honestly when you find out you’re having a gripper (heart attack) I think you’re allowed to freak out a little bit.

Pro tip: When your SO tells you they’re in the ER you say “be there ASAP”

5

Yeah, “need me to come home?” is never, ever the right response to “I’m in the ER.”

6

Am I missing part of the conversation? Where did she say blood pressure?
This aside, I can’t imagine if I had a SO tell me they are in the ER (coupled with the words “heart attack” no less), that I wouldn’t instantly be there, distance be damned.

Assuming you two don’t already have children together, my advice to you is to seriously, seriously reconsider this relationship. It’s not the she is right or wrong or that you are. I really have no idea how your arguments are. It’s that if this is your relationship’s typical mode (in that you both clearly are not seeing eye-to-eye), your frustration will go up exponentially with a child. Imagine all these arguements now centered around a child. Yikes!

7

Your SO is in the ER on nitroglycerin and a supposed heart attack and you’re picking a text fight with her?

I don’t think this was your finest moment.

8

Wow, that sounded like me and my then stripper girlfriend when I was 22yo. (I mean, neither ones of us ever had a medical emergency but the basics are all the same. With the "fuck you"s and the bullshit manipulative head games.)
Good times. (not)

9

Why would she need you to come home if she is in the ER? She would need you in the ER. Home? Wha? Huh? :confused:

10

That was the bit where you were an asshole. Your significant other tells you they are in the ER, the text you send is ‘I’m heading there now, I’ll be there in xx minutes/hours’

That was the bit where she was an asshole. This is not a time to be playing games. When you want someone with you and they ask you if you need them, the text you send is ‘Yes, please come. I am at…’.

In all fairness, as others have mentioned, this was a stressful situation for both of you, so neither was at your best.

Does she do this at other times? That is, not tell you want she wants from you and then gets pissy when you do the wrong thing?

11

Six months or so ago I had a heartattack during a stress test. I texted my SO to let her know I was fine, but being scheduled for a cardiac cath the next day. She wanted to drop everything and come to me but I convinced her to chill, since I’d be needing her more later and things at home needed someone’s attention.

It was a horrible experience, but I like to think we both handled it like adults.

12

The ONLY answer to “I’m at the ER” is “Which hospital??? I’m on my way.”

13

Your SO reacts with fear to medical situations (covered by toughness.). One might think that everybody does but my husband’s MO is denial, followed by Leave me alone—Don’t bother me While I heal. I, OTOH, want somebody there to take over the worry for me later followed by frequent check-ins (with treats!) and Soft Kitty.
Your SO gets scared.

Your SO feels a history of being abandoned so she “runs everybody off” before they can leave her in the lurch.

Sounds like she has trust issues. If you have the energy and patience to keep showing her that you’re there for her, she may eventually be able to react to a crisis without the knee-jerk anger. But I would try the Soft Kitty approach for as long as it takes.

That’s my armchair analysis.

And yeah, when somebody says they have an emergency you say “I’ll be right there.”

14

If I got a text message saying “I’m at the ER…” while on the road, I’d start by pulling off the fucking road and dealing with it, not continuing to drive to my ultimate destination to respond.

In answer to your subject, Yes.

15

My take on it was that the OP didn’t see the texts at all until he stopped driving. Some people actually focus on the road when they drive you know :smack:

The exchange seems a bit odd, but I don’t think the OP was being an asshole. I would say his wife has some issues.

And if she was having a medical emergency, why did she text and not phone?

16

With my heartattack I initially texted because it was easier with doctor/nurses coming in and out. It also allowed me to “say” what I wanted to get across without choking up.

17

OP isn’t the asshole. According to him his wife’s first words were “don’t panic, am fine” and that she was “sent” to the ER by the company, and maybe something about blood pressure. Doesn’t sound like an emergency. Sounds more like “it’s just a silly little thing and I’m just letting you know.” A company will cover their asses and send someone to the hospital to be checked out for any minor work mishap.

And then she says “just a heart attack, no big deal”? Why would you believe her?

18

I’ve been to the ER before. Once was because of a bloodied nose that looked worse than it was, and once because I fainted at the sight of blood from an incredibly minor injury. If I told someone “Don’t panic, I’m fine, but I’m at the ER” it would be because I was fine despite being at the ER, not because I’m being passive-aggressive.

19

Sure the OP was boneheaded (“you want me to come home?”), but beyond that, it seems like she enjoys setting up verbal tests that she knows he’ll fail. The lady’s got some serious weapons-grade passive aggressive interaction patterns there.

But another piece of advice for all men… long ago I learned that the real meaning of “don’t worry” is actually “come immediately to my assistance, and be not delayed by worry.”

20

You guys need counseling. If you want to stay together, get some counseling.