Was I a dick or is she overreacting? (long)

[jjimm]

@bouv

But here’s the thing: I don’t like (hell, hate) that BS relationship stuff where someone says one thing but means another. If she tells me she doesn’t want me to come over but really does, well too bad for her cause I won’t. If she says nothing is wrong when obviously something is, I won’t press the issue to find out, even when I know she’s just saying nothing because that’s what women say when a man asks her what’s wrong. :rolleyes:

Nobody likes that. But it happens.

You are young, but you will learn.

[MandaJo]

@bouv

But here’s the thing: I don’t like (hell, hate) that BS relationship stuff where someone says one thing but means another. If she tells me she doesn’t want me to come over but really does, well too bad for her cause I won’t. If she says nothing is wrong when obviously something is, I won’t press the issue to find out, even when I know she’s just saying nothing because that’s what women say when a man asks her what’s wrong. :rolleyes:

Is that dickish? Almost certainly, but she knows that’s how I am. I told her that upfront right when we got into this relationship. And the thing is, she agreed with me. She said she hates that too and promised not to do it if I didn’t. Yet apparently she did.

People do that “bulllshit relationship stuff” when they don’t feel like they can just flat out ask. They feel like they can’t jsut flat out ask for a variety of reasons–because they don’t feel like they have a right to (it’s not fair to ask him to drive all this way when all I want to do is whine at him), becasue they don’t want to be rejected, because they are playing games and testing you. That third one is a deal-breaker, IMO, but the other two are pretty normal human thinking. Don’t assume the “games” thing. If it’s insecurity about being rejected or feeling like you don’t have the right to ask, both those things get much better with communication.

[monstro]

@Manda JO

People do that “bulllshit relationship stuff” when they don’t feel like they can just flat out ask. They feel like they can’t jsut flat out ask for a variety of reasons–because they don’t feel like they have a right to (it’s not fair to ask him to drive all this way when all I want to do is whine at him), becasue they don’t want to be rejected, because they are playing games and testing you. That third one is a deal-breaker, IMO, but the other two are pretty normal human thinking. Don’t assume the “games” thing. If it’s insecurity about being rejected or feeling like you don’t have the right to ask, both those things get much better with communication.

Exactly!

If someone asked if I wanted them to come over, I might say, “Nah. I’m okay.” But I would be thinking, “Please come over! Please come over!” It’s the old pride thing.

She knew it was inconvenient for you to trudge over to the hospital in the snow. Maybe she didn’t want to be the “high maintenance” girlfriend by asking you to visit in inclement weather. Maybe when you asked if she wanted you to come over, she saw the question as being driven out of perfunctory politeness (like a subtle way of getting off the hook) rather than out of genuine concern for what she wanted. She might have thought, “Hey, if he loved me he wouldn’t have even asked that question! Why should I have to say PLEASE BE HERE when I’m laid up in the hospital?!”

Someone shouldn’t have to be 100% explicit in their wishes and desires in a loving relationship. I don’t think you’re completely to blame, but I do think there’s a lesson for you in all this.

[DianaG]

I’m late and not saying anything new, but seriously… you were kind of a dick. And she was kind of unreasonable. But I’m guessing that her behavior was based on her perception that you simply don’t really care about her.

When you care about someone, you go the extra mile. Hell, my *ex * went far out of his way the past couple of days to drive me to and from work because it’s icy out. Any one of my friends would haul ass from where ever they might be if I were incapacitated and needed something, and I’d do the same for them.

It seems like you’re saying “Well sure I’m selfish and unwilling to inconvenience myself for her sake, but hey, that’s just the way I am! She should know that and accept it.” Well, it’s **not ** acceptable, and if that’s the way you feel, what do you want a girlfriend for anyway?

[Fish]

bouv, read this book. Better yet, read it with her and ask her whether she agrees with what’s in it.

I had a hard time reading it because every few pages I’d smack my forehead and say, “Crap! Is that what I did wrong in that relationship? How stupid could I be!”

Yes, it’s a relationship book, and yes it’s hard to generalize all relationships and write a how-to manual on women. (That’s why you read it with her.) I get the feeling she’d love to see you take a step toward trying to understand her and make things better; most of the stuff you did in this book could’ve been avoided if you’d read this book and knew where she was coming from. At a time when she was feeling unsafe and worried about her health, you declined to show her that you cared for her and valued her, and you made almost no effort to really connect with her. That’s all 3 strikes, right there. You tried to show her but in a manner invisible to her; that’s not good enough.

Oooh, oooh — I’ve always wanted to say this here — send me a PRIVATE MESSAGE if you have questions.

[Siam_Sam]

@Rubystreak

So if you were in the hospital, you wouldn’t care if you SO bothered to find out what was wrong with you, or tried to see you, or drove you home? Honestly? Not even one of those things? OK. I don’t think that makes you reasonable, though. Are you honestly saying that, if the OP’s GF wanted him to act like he cared that she was sick in the hospital, that somehow makes her unreasonable? I don’t think so.

He said he called and that she made it sound not serious and didn’t want to talk about it on the phone. I guess I’d have to be there, but it sounds to me like she was indicating not to worry about it. It’s not like she said she just broke her neck.

[pulykamell]

@alice_in_wonderland

Well, that’s fine, but I guess I don’t get why you didn’t turn up at her house right after work. Or first thing the next morning. Or the minute that you were able to be there without jeopardizing your lively hood.

I think that’s what she’s pissed about - everythign else is just incidental.

I have to agree with this. I would expect any SO of mine to be upset after the actions (or lack of) in the OP. I mean, it’s fine, you just don’t seem all that into her, but for posters to be calling her an “attention vampire,” come the fuck on. I would have at least given her a ride home from class the next day and try to find out why she was in the hospital and at least attempt to show I cared. Who cares if you’re showered for class? I don’t particularly recall that being a priority in my university days, and I would understand somebody being a bit upset by the perception that a shower is more important than seeing an SO who has just been in the hospital.

[Caridwen]

@Siam Sam

He said he called and that she made it sound not serious and didn’t want to talk about it on the phone. I guess I’d have to be there, but it sounds to me like she was indicating not to worry about it. It’s not like she said she just broke her neck.

Not that I don’t believe the OP or think he’s being untruthful about how he’s describing what happened, but I’d really like to hear what happened from her perspective.