Weeell, there are some possibilities here. I don’t know what her facial expression was at the time, her body language, or the tone of voice, but she could have just been teasing you. Maybe she and your husband talk to each other that way, jack and jaw each other like friends do, and she just assumed you were the same way.
I’ve had that happen. I made a jokey comment in front of my gf’s roommate that she took VERY seriously, and I don’t even remember saying it. When I heard about it later, I understood how it could be taken out of context, but I really didn’t have a serious bone in my body at the time.
Just remember, your husband keeps a side of himself hidden from you because he knows you don’t like it. When he’s around his friends though, that side will probably come out and take you off guard. It’s best to accept this if you want your marriage to work.
My husband and I agreed several years ago (when I nearly got into a fist fight at Comiskey Park) that while we essentially have each other’s backs in dangerous situations, that we are adults who can fight our own battles.
I’ve gotten in fights with friends in our friend group and Mr. Jar says “man, hope you guys clear that up soon”, but I don’t say “She was mean to me so you can’t talk to her”.
It’s up to DRAGONGIRL to get the apology and express her anger, not send her husband to do it.
Well, like I said…not the worst thing in the world. But upon knowing how insensitive this person is, and how little she thinks of me (or my feelings), I would not want to spend any “girlfriend” time with her, and I would hope my husband would feel the same way.
The thought also crossed my mind that maybe your husband agrees with her. But that’s another thread.
Mr. Amanita will listen to me complain about squabbles I’m having with our friends, but he doesn’t take sides, nor would I expect him to. I also remind him that close friends occasionally have really silly squabbles, but that doesn’t mean that I’m “breaking up” with them or that we can’t socialize with them. On the other hand, I’m more likely to forgive someone personally insulting me than he is. He takes it quite seriously if someone genuinely tries to hurt me emotionally. It’s one of the reasons why my mother complains that he’s distant toward her.
Wordman makes some good points. Does your husband understand how her comments upset you? You can’t just assume he does. You may have to explain to him why.
[Re: OP, skipping all the fine posts made prior to mine]
I think it is unfair for one spouse to dictate with whom the other can socialize.
However, I don’t get why a husband wouldn’t take offense at someone who made nasty remarks about his family. Ask your husband to imagine if some guy called his boys a needle-dicked sissy boys (or whatever) and you were all chummy with the offender.
So I think he’s getting stuck on the “You can’t tell me who I can be friends with!” a.k.a. " You’re not the boss of me!" wheras you’re wondering “Why the hell doesn’t it bother him that this person was slamming his family?”
Did your husband say anything to the woman about the insult.
The thing is your husband must really like this woman (it does not have to be sexually) to want to continue being friends with her after she insulted his own children. It all really depends on how strongly he feels about the woman.
Thank you, Hugh Jass (I always imagined uttering that remark in an entirely different setting…)
A few points:
I agree that it is up to dragongirl, or whomever the offended party is.
“Friends in a friend group” is different than someone you run into socially - dropping your kids off at school, and school and other town functions, etc. If you are having a fight with a FiaFG, and your husband sees that it is not Hatfields-and-McCoys-Blood-Feud serious, it makes sense that we would let you two work it out and not pick sides. You have enough history there with that friend.
I never advocated that she “send her husband to do it.” What I said (in different wording, but this is meant to be the same) was: “if she was REALLY offended, then if the Offender approaches her husband to chat, her husband should make it clear where his loyalties lie - it would be inappropriate for him to be all social giggles when his wife is still fuming.” And I believe that and stand by it.
Again, this doesn’t strike me as immature at all - just practical partnership practices. You cover each others’ backs.
Dragongirl - best of luck. It seems like you and your husband should have a quiet, thoughtful talk about what each thinks is going on…
Whoever is supposed to be angry with whom, I definitely think it was insensitive of him to chit-chat at length with this woman in your presence, knowing that the two of you were on the outs. He should have taken his cue from you, said a brief hello, and moved on. If he wanted to shoot the breeze, he could have phoned her up later or met her some other time.
Going beyond that, though, I don’t think you have the right to ask him not to be friends with her. If you gave him a fair accounting of what happened, and told him that you feel deeply insulted, I’m a bit puzzled by why he would want to be friendly with her, and if I were you, I would want to know why he thinks she was justified in what she said and how she said it! But if he snubs her, it should be because he is upset with the way she treated you, not because you told him to snub her.
Regardless, you deserve a pat on the back for keeping your temper with this woman. You definitely have the high road. I hope that eventually you and your husband can see eye to eye.
Put me in the “if you as a couple run into her together then SO should follow your lead but if he runs into her separately he shouldn’t be made to feel like he can’t be on speaking terms with her” camp.
Which is adjacent to the “getting this worked up over somebody calling your kids slobs when your kids are in fact slobby (what with getting themselves covered in grass stains and ketchup and markers every day and all) is rather silly” camp. She certainly could’ve phrased it more delicately (or not said it at all since it really had nothing to do with whether or not families could afford school uniforms).
why are you insulted by being told “you and your kids dress like slobs”?
Remember, she is in favor of school uniforms, and you are not–so her definition of slob is probably different than yours.
SLOB doesnt mean homeless crack-addict. It just means that she sees that your kids have ketchup and paint on their clothes, and you wear old jeans. I assume that she is the type who never sets foot out of the house without makeup and earrings, and demands that her children look good too.
You think slob means torn,dirty clothes, bad hygiene, and social outcast. She defines slob as faded jeans and untucked shirt. She wasn’t excatly polite with you–but I doubt if she intended to classify you as a useless bum.
What she probably meant was that school uniforms both look good and enforce simple discipline and mutual respect. Anything less is being a slob. You prefer the “Anything less” wardrobe–ergo, you are a slob(by her definintion).
So dont make a huge issue over this!! Ignore a single stupid inconsiderate remark, and remember that she cares about her kids as much as you do , and you are both being good mothers.
Relax–and keep on being friendly.Life is easier that way.
I think you should have gone Midievil on her buttocks, perhaps even breaking a curtin rod across her throat and then you could have let your husband known just how upset you really were on the ride home from him bailing you out of jail!
A husband and wife should show a united front. I’d feel betrayed if my SO continued to be chatty with someone who had insulted me.
I don’t have kids, and I’m not married, but those factors make it even worse. It’s not a huge deal, but you certainly are not asking too much of your husband.
If saying ‘your kids look slobby’ is an insult when in fact your kids are covered in paint and food, then, once again, I’d like to live over there in Pleasantville.
There was no need for a casual acquaintance to be ugly about it whether it’s true or not. And as I understand it, Dragongirlwants to “let it go”. She’s not asking her husband to go smack the lady. But he could at least let neighbor-bitch know where his loyalties lie.
You can have ‘loyalties’ to your wife and still speak to other people. I’m just noticing on the boards lately a lot of women ‘laying down the law’ for their husbands, telling them what they can and cannot do. Irritating.
This woman struck a low blow in order to win an arguement. That’s immature and unacceptable. Even more unacceptable that she called the child a slob in the child’s precence.
She insulted his child while he was standing there to hear it. He shouldn’t be standing up for you, but for his child.
