Here’s the problem. A female coworker was telling me that her husband frequently insults her in public. She figures that whatever she does she loses. If she confronts him, she makes them both look like idiots for a longer period of time. If she says nothing she looks like an abused wife who has to take crap from this jerk. So we sat down over lunch and figured we’d come up with some good ideas and at the end we had nothing.
Well, not exactly nothing. We’d agreed that at the first possible moment she should tell him in private that what he did was horrible and she doesn’t want him to do it again. And that she could even bring it anytime she wants to prevent it. Like when driving to a party she might politely say something about how she hopes that it won’t happen tonight. Maybe even say that sex when we get home is contingent on a criticism free evening.
But he’s not perfect, she’s not perfect and it’s continued and will continue. Maybe not as often, maybe not as bad. But when it does happen again, what can she do at that moment?
Maybe I am overreacting but the OP makes me really sad and mad. His insults are not less assaultive, and potentially just as damaging, as physical abuse. If he had punched her in the teeth would she be asking herself if she could politely ask him not to do it anymore? A loving partner does not need to degrade the people closest to them or intentionally humiliate them frequently.
Hmm, tough one. Like she said, getting mad at him when he does it in public doesn’t really make things better (no one wants to watch a couple fight), but she has a right to stand up for herself and be treated properly. I would suggest that she have a talk with him in private, when neither of them are emotional, and tell him flat out that she doesn’t appreciate it when he insults her in public, and she won’t tolerate it any longer. Then, if he does it again (and he probably will), she can simply say to him, “I don’t appreciate you talking to me like that” in a calm tone, and leave it at that. Being assertive is a matter of not letting other people step on your toes, not going after theirs. I wouldn’t say anything in the car on the way to a party about how he shouldn’t do it; their calm discussion has taken place, and he knows how she feels about it.
I don’t like the idea of withholding sex; it’s a terrorist tactic, and mature women should not do this for any reason.
Thought of something else - her husband may come back with something about her being too sensitive, or it wasn’t a big deal, or whatever. Her response to that is to simply say, “I don’t appreciate it when you insult me in public” (the broken record method). This isn’t a debate; it’s her telling him where her boundary is.
They both need counseling. They probably need to get marriage and individual counseling. Until then, perhaps he needs to pay a forfeit for every insult he dishes out.
My husband does this as well, and the best way I’ve found to handle it is to simply stop all conversation and look at him in silence, with just the teensiest little :dubious: look. The sentence I’m trying to wordlessly convey is, “My goodness. You did NOT just say that, did you?” It’s a hair’s breadth away from, “Bad dog! Bad!”, to be honest.
After an awkward three seconds or so, I turn back and finish the conversation. Yes, it’s awkward, but it’s not as awkward as a public argument or the unstated assumption that he’s abusive. Socially awkward and a bit of an ass in public, sure. But he’s not abusive.
Actually, my mother’s convinced he has Asperger’s, and I have to admit he does fit every criteria for it, but he’s not been diagnosed. In private, I’m able to let inappropriate comments roll off my back or ask for clarification. In public, he’s much worse and harder to pin down clarification or elaboration, and very prone to foot in mouth disease.
I try to look at this type of repetitive situation to see what each participant is getting out of it. For example, here are some possibilities. Husband: He affirms that his opinion matters to his wife–she cares and is hurt when he insults her. He gets to feel superior and or dominant. Wife: She gets to pity herself, feel abused. She can have discussions like the one she had with the OP in which she portrays herself as mature and victimized by an uncaring spouse. She gets to feel superior since he is so pathetic and vindictive.
So, assuming she can deal with her own part of the “bargain,” perhaps she can find ways to make sure her husband stops getting what he wants out of the transaction. Some possible unilateral options for the wife if she really wants the behavior to change:
No longer take his public statements seriously. He says privately and presumably truthfully that he loves you. Therefore his public behavior is irrational and should be laughed at. Such a funny, silly way to to boost his miniscule ego. Roll your eyes and laugh at him. Perhaps he’ll stop if he discovers you really do not care any more. If an immature 2 year old says your hair is ugly, why should you care at all?
Shift the embarrassment back to him. Pretend to be tipsy, snuggle up to him, and say something like this in a cutsey cooing voice “oh honey you are so adorable when you insult me in public after just praising me privately. It makes me feel so loved and womanly. <look at another person> Isn’t he just the cutest thing?” Then go get another drink.
Show no anger, no response. Simply walk out and go do something else. I’d go so far as to buy a third ticket to a game or play so that if he does something like that you can go to your alternative seat and finish the play or sporting event. Your pleasure should not be diminished, you simply don’t want to be in his presence when he’s so irrational.
Assuming they can have a mature discussion about this pattern, and assuming he agrees with her that this should change, and assuming he really does try to change, the battle is mostly over.
Now how to handle the occasional slip-up, sure to be more common at first? A pre-arranged innocous codeword. If wife feels insulted, she includes the codeword in the next sentence. Hubby gets the mesage & social conventions are preserved.
But the real long pole is in my 3 assumptions.
Given my impression of the woman’s concern that confrontation won’t work, or worse that it reflects badly on her, it sounds like she’s not going to be effective at the discussions needed in private to set the stage for a public behavior change.
Give him the :dubious: look, shake your head back and forth very slowly and then leave. Leave him alone, standing there, looking like a fool. Leave the venue if at all possible. Drive home, call a cab, get a friend to take you home. Don’t say a word to the husband.
Or a non-verbal signal. I suggest a brick through the teeth.
Or she might try giving as good as she gets. The next time he says, in public, “Yeah, the little woman’s putting on a few pounds, hur hur hur!” she responds with, “Well, I’ve been eating more to compensate for all the sexual frustration since you can’t get it up anymore.” This would be very immature, albeit satisfying, but if a private talk doesn’t straighten matters out then it’s time to upgrade the weaponry.
Seriously, the male needs counseling to figure out why he does this, and the female needs counseling to figure out why she puts up with it. If he’s being a jackass on purpose then she needs to leave him, but if he’s just a tactless socially deficient clod and she’s too wimpy to point this out to him then maybe they have something they can work on.
What’s the husband’s side of this? Does he just not realize he’s doing it? Is it his idea of a harmless joke? Does he do it in retaliation to some real or imagined wrong that the wife committed against him? Or is he just a jerk who gets off on hurting his wife’s feelings?
I think that any public confrontation (other than a quick “look of death” to let him know he’s doing it) will only serve to humiliate the husband and probably drive him to lash out even more.
A private talk is the way to go. “I know you don’t mean any harm and are just trying to be funny, but those kind of comments really hurt my feelings and I wish you would stop.” If he cares about her, he’ll make an effort to stop doing it. It could take a long time to change that kind of habit, but at least the wife will know that he’s trying. Maybe he’ll even reveal something like, “I said it because I get upset when you criticize my driving” or whatever, and they can both work to change the situation.
Giving the husband the benefit of the doubt here…she needs to raise the issue with him at a time when they are both calm and happy. She needs to use specific examples of what she considers inappropriate comments. And she needs to get his agreement to stop doing it. If he doesn’t feel bad about his past behaviour and tries to defend it or brushes her off, then they’ve got bigger issues.
I had a similar issue where my husband got into the habit of correcting me in public if I was wrong. The way I approached it was to say to him ‘are you aware of how often you correct me in front of other people?’. He wasn’t even aware he was doing it, and that conversation was almost all that was needed to get him to stop. He occassionally slipped up, and I gave him the long hard stare and he got the message.
This woman’s situation is yet another unexpected reminder of why I really dig being alone and why I don’t see myself wanting to change this for a very long time–if ever.
I would say leave passive-aggression out of it and be honest but concise way at the time of the insult. For example, say “Please don’t speak to/about me that way.” Later, in private, follow up with a detailed response. The wife could even warn her husband ahead of time, like today, that this is going to be her new protocol for handling these public insults like this.
“Honey, I don’t know if you realize it, but you often hurt my feelings in public. I’m not going to let it slide anymore and I plan on pointing it out when you do it.”
I think the wife should forget the idea that addressing it makes them both look like jerks. That’s just her insecurity. Addressing it makes him look like a jerk and her like a person who stands up for herself.
If her husband is truly a “jerk”, she should obviously re-consider their relationship. A true lack of respect for the other partner can’t be “fixed” by a band-aid at the moment.
On the other hand, before we break out the teeth-breaking bricks and the divorce lawyers … we are getting one side of the story, third-hand. What exactly does she consider “insulting”?
Some people consider any failure to back up the partner in anything an insult. I had a friend whose wife was seriously offended when he’d not take her particular line when debating about books or movies or whatever at a get-together characterized by freewheeling debate. What that meant in practice is that to avoid “insulting” her, he’d have to lamely parrot whatever she chose to say - or she’d take it out on him later in the ways suggested above (like no sex, being given “the look”, ignored, etc.).
The statement that he is not perfect and therefore it has continued suggests to me that he doesn’t take it seriously. He might think he is just having fun with her, and that it is not an act of malice.
Of course, the final arbiter of whether it is OK is whether she accepts it as a joke, which she apparently does not. I know I have had girlfriends that I would insult (and be insulted back by) regularly for fun. (One had the nickname cumbucket.) Other girlfriends would be deeply insulted and hurt by far far less.
He may just not be able to believe that she is being insulted by these things, and even after she tells him he doesn’t internalize it. I personally have a similar problem. If we throw out a computer I might say something like, “Poor computer, it gave us it’s all and now we are just abandoning it,” in a joking manner. My girlfriend’s heart will suddenly go out to the poor lonesome computer and she can get quite sad over its plight (the IKEA lamp commercial killed her). No matter how many times she tells me and no matter how much evidence I see I just can’t seem to really believe it, so it is a constant effort on my part not to joke around in this way. No malice here.
A good way to stress how important this is to him might be by making another joke as Marlitharn suggests. Penis size and sexual performance are good topics, but it should also be said in a fun, joking manner or it makes her just look like a vindictive harpy that can’t take a joke. If you can find a sensitive subject for him I think that could help him to see how she feels. Of course if he has no problem with those kinds of jokes being told about him than she is in for a difficult time. Who knows though, maybe giving as good as she gets might make her less sensitive to that kind of humor as well and they could meet half way.