How to handle a spouse that criticizes you in public?
It’s happened before and it will happen again. Pointing out the error after the event results in a big argument, which solves nothing nor does it change the behavior.
In the past I have:
tried to let the comment go unnoticed
asked (in public) if that comment is really necessary
returned the criticism with alternative criticism
None of these work to change the behavior. So here is my question: How can I respond to such public criticisms with dignity?
A now ex-girlfriend of mine was suitably embarrassed by me saying these words:
“Saying that has put me in a difficult position really, dear. Either I defend myself, which will make these people uncomfortable and a little embarassed, or I laugh and allow it to pass in which case I look like a prize prick. Anyway, at least I don’t fart like a 50cc motorcycle going past.”
are we talking “honey don’t talk with your mouth full?” or are we talking :“nortonj has the worst habit of leaving his underwear on the kitchen table?”
Either way, what you need to do is sit down with her and come to the agreement that criticizing each other in public isn’t good. Or at least ask her to understand that you don’t like it and that it’s important that she not do it.
-do this when you’re not mad, not in the car on the way home. make an appointment to talk about it if you have to.
this being done, if she criticizes you in public, you can let it go and then really tear into her when you’re alone. There’s nothing so satisfying in a marriage as when you’re clearly right and she’s clearly wrong. It happens so infrequently.
That not being done, just do your best to be the person you want to be. Do you wanna be that guy who argues in public? Do you wanna be that guy who insults his wife?
I say take the high road.
How about a pre-emptive strike? No, nothing involving duct taping your SO’s mouth shut before you go out. I was thinking more in terms of talking with her about it at a time when the two of you are alone, and explaining to him/her that it bothers you.
Failing that, I say take the honest approach–tell him/her when it happens that you don’t like it, and hope that in the future s/he’ll find a more appropriate time to take it up with you.
Caveat: The above advice applies only if you’re not engaging totally assholish behavior (in which case you’d deserve the calling out), like sitting naked on a friend’s birthday cake.
What if you’re wife never needs to criticize you in public? What if you are the perfect example of what a husband should be, always looking sharp, on your best behavior, respectful, polite, gentlemanly,…basically making your wife or girlfriend the envy of every woman she comes accross?
Why does bringing it up later cause a big argument? Does she get mad that you bring it up? That would be odd.
I think it’s really bad if she’s doing something that makes you feel bad and you’ve asked her to stop. That’s a big lack of respect.
And I hate when I see a couple who does this. You can see the pain and confusion it causes the other spouse. If she has something to say, she should wait until you are alone.
You might say something like this. When you criticize me in public, it hurts my feelings and I don’t want to cause a fuss getting into a discussion at that time. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would wait until we had a private moment to tell me things like that.
If she continues to do it, then I think you guys will need counseling or something. In the few relationships I’ve seen this behavior, I haven’t seen it get better over time. In fact, it seems like it gets worse.
We have actually stopped hanging out with a couple because we were so sick of the wife doing this. I used to defend the husband in a gentle way that I hoped would shame her into stopping, but it never worked.
Typical comment from her: Oh, Cranky, I just love that table Mr. Cranky made… Dave, why can’t YOU build anything? I swear, I don’t think he even knows which end of a hammer to use.
Me: Well, come on now, I’m in awe of Dave’s other skills. That website he made for your family is incredible!
I think you do need to persist in telling her it bothers you. Perhaps you need to prepare in advance and develop some strategies for handling her objections. You CAN keep it from escalating into a fight by not being drawn in to it. Stay calm, and assertive. If she jumps on you for bringing it up, say “I’m sorry this upsets you, but we need to talk about it.” If she counters with stuff YOU do that bugs her, say “I’m glad you are telling me about it; this is clearly something else we should discuss. However, we can talk about that later. Right now, we are talking about this problem.” Just shut down her every diversion, and do it in a calm way. You have the moral high ground here–she shouldn’t do this. It’s unkind, it’s disloyal, and it’s embarrassing.
I confess, doc_miller, that I leapt to that assumption myself at first, perhaps because norton strikes me as a male moniker (but, then, we all learned a valuable lesson in that regard from verbenabeast, did we not?).
I caught myself, however, and then went back and edited my post to make it gender-neutral (except for one “her” which I missed).
It rarely happens, generally it is either a fair criticism or just kidding around and is generally met in the same spirit. On the few occasions when a criticism has made me uncomfortable, or has been tmi, a raised eyebrow and steady gaze has been enough to bring home the point that she (or I, works both ways) has been out of order.
I agree with the previous posts that you do need to discuss this matter formally, and not only from your perspective - It would help for you to find out why your partner feels that this treatment is necessary.
Now I don’t try to insult anyone (seriously anyway) but when I slip up and say something inconsiderate to my wife-to-be she simply replies (in a sincerely polite tone I might add), “that wasn’t very nice” or equally effective, “that hurt my feelings” depending upon the infraction.
Either of these phrases elicits this from me:
Realize what I did
Feel bad about it (but not defensive)
Apologize immediately
Try not to let it happen again
She uses the same tactic on everyone in her life (family, friends and strangers) and it seems to work equally on those who intend insult as well as us dopes just speaking before thinking.
It’s short, to the point and not accusatory (if said politely).
My husband did it to me all the time. What really bugged me is that he would make an ass out of me in public then apologize in private. OOOOOOOOOh I hated that.
My best advice is barb for barb! (cause I’m evil like that)
As everyone in behavioral psychology knows, the less time that elapses between negative behavior and the consequences the better.
Carry a taser. When the criticism starts, fire and shock the hell out of him. As soon as he can speak again, resume shocking. Continue until the first words out of his mouth are “I’m sorry, dear!”
But, short of a taser, there are other methods of immediately making it clear that the public criticism is unacceptable. A lot of it depends on whether or not you’ve done anything truly wrong. If you haven’t, or don’t feel sorry for whatever merited the criticism, I’ve found it handy to quip back with something like, “Yeah, I’m a huge pain in the ass and you’re a saint for tolerating me. Moving on…”. Make sure that’s said in the least sorry tone you have. If it’s something that you do feel sorry about/responsible for, I completely agree with dinoboy. You’re calling polite attention to your spouse’s indescretion.
A private talk at an unheated moment is also called for. Your spouse may not realize how much that behavior hurts you.
Good advice, I have one additional thing to add. Make sure the lines of communication are open between the 2 of you so there are appropriate ways to bring up issues before they fester. Regular little discussions on your recurring issues, like “Let’s talk about our plans for keeping the house clean and how those are going” or “Let’s touch base about the budget.” That way the issues can surface and be resolved before they fester and lead to sniping.
I find this worrisome - even if you do talk with your mouth full! If y’all are not happy and comfortable as a couple in public, you gots to patch it up.
Spouse wouldn’t criticize if spouse was happy. Being publicly criticized is tacky and cruel, so you are unhappy. And talking hasn’t worked so far.
Can I just offer sympathy?
By the way, when I say your spouse is obviously unhappy, I don’t mean that you are the cause. Spouse might have decided stressing about the spouse’s own insecurities is much more taxing than just picking on you.
Here is a really good response that was used on me once (for different social infraction.)
“We have to leave now.”
Say you feel ill if there is extended opposition.
Get the check, or thank you hosts, or whatever, and leave.
If the spouse has the keys that night and won’t leave, take a cab.
If you have the keys but the spouse won’t leave, hand out money for a cab, and leave.
If you are a house guest, go to bed.
If you are the host, this obviously will not work; suck it up, but stop entertaining until the behavior stops (unless you want a little petty revenge; then shoot a concerned glance at the spouse’s wine glass. Or at the cabinet the presrciptions are in)
When you get your spouse alone, say you will not be treated that way in public. If that doesn’t work, stop socializing with your spouse (yes, I appreciate the probable consequences of that.)
But are you sure you’re not being overly sensitive? The spouse and I often making teasing remarks about each others’ lacks (usually related to archaic gender roles), although we try very hard not to make jokes about topics that have been officially declared a no-go zone.
My ex would criticize me in public, all the time. He thought it was funny. I would just let it slide. Once I had finally had enough, I let him know that I was not going to put up with it anymore, and if he thought I was so unloveable/stupid/clumsy/whatever, then he could move out.
He apologized, he said he just thought it was in fun, and it never happened again.
Thing is, I know the man, and I know it was a power thing. He had no porblem showing me off to his friends when it was warranted, but any time we were in a social setting with other couples (usually including senior officers - he was military) he would do this to show what control he had over me. What a dink.
I did say “what if”…