There is a difference. If she is still mad when they get home and not feeling particularly loving toward him, then sure, it is her prerogative not to get jiggy. If she feels bad at the time, but isn’t feeling especially non-sexy about it that evening and denies him as a punishment, then it is childish “withholding sex”.
Yeah.
Reacting to one relationship killer - lack of public respect for the other - with another relationship killer - use of sex as a weapon - seems to me to be a waste of effort.
If the relationship is actually that bad, better to short-circut this downward spiral and break it off now.
I would state clearly and calmly, on the way to any social event, “I expect you to refrain from insulting me in public”. No discussion, change of subject, just get it said.
Then I would totally follow what Annie X-mas said, if he insulted me, the only words I would say would be, “Excuse me”, and I’d be gone, in a cab, on the bus, to call a friend, whatever, I’d be out of there. Let him figure out I’m not in the bathroom twenty minutes from now, I could care.
(Stay to see the play or game? Not going to happen, I’d make my peace with that before I left the house. And no, I would not even be tempted to offer any explanation to my hosts. He’s the ass, let him explain.)
When he turns up and is all, “WTF?”, I’d tell him I thought I was clear about not wanting to be insulted in public. Which part did he not comprehend?
The harsh/retaliatory things suggested here don’t sound like a good idea to me if she wants to rescue this relationship - this is supposed to be someone she loves. The goal here is a better, loving relationship. You don’t make a relationship better by acting as bad or worse than your partner who’s screwing up.
I think she should be upfront with him when they are in private and tell him how bad his insults hurt her. It is kind of hard not knowing exactly what the situation is to assess the problem properly.
Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. Sorry I’ve been so busy at work today I couldn’t find time to respond earlier. Let me respond to some of the responses so far.
I’d say they are an average couple, meaning that I’ve seen some impoliteness from the husband, but nothing that extreme. But I’ve only seen them socially a few times. The main friendship is me and the wife, at work.
Some examples:
At a dinner party at their house, she spilled some food on the table. He yelled something like: “What the hell are you doing!? Watch it!” and that was all.
Another time at a party he said something like “Mabel has a really short fuse with the kids…” and went on for a few more seconds. Can’t remember the details.
While we appreciate the suggestions, I think she has the part down about what to do when not in public. The part about withholding sex was not meant in a crazy destructive way, but more like: “If you insult me it’s highly unlikely I’ll feel sexy tonight.”
The question, and it is a tough one, is how could she respond to either of the above or something similar in a way that she and her husband come out looking good? Not that she’s overly concerned about looking good but she doesn’t want to ruin the night for herself or her friends.
I would respond with, “Joe (or whatever his name is), please don’t speak to me like that. It’s disrespectful, and it hurts my feelings. I don’t deserve to be treated that way.” Just plain, straightforward truth. And yes, I would say that if someone treated me that way in front of other people.
That’s average? That’s a joke, I hope. My husband has never insulted me like that in public and certainly never in private either.
No advice- I"m sure she realizes what she has to do and just doesn’t want to do it. The kind of woman who lets a man yell at her isn’t the kind who will step up and stop it from happening any longer, in my experience.
I don’t know why she wants to ‘look good’ when her husband behaves badly.
Do you want advice on how to ‘laugh it off’ if he hits her in public? :smack:
The title of your OP says it all “impossible situation”. Then your posts later in the thread cinch the deal. This doesn’t sound like a man who’s merely socially awkward, this sounds like a bully. I’m not sure if I were your friend if I’d bother being very wordy about it at all.
In other words no “please don’t disrespect me, etc etc etc.” I’d vote for a very quick, tough, NO-nonsense “that’s unacceptable, Stop”. And if it kept continuing at more social outings, and I were her, I’d simply stop going. And further, I don’t at all see foregoing sex as some sort of childish game.
With that sort of man, to continue as if every thing is just hunky dory is telling him "yeah, go ahead, I’ll gripe and bitch, but where the rubber meets the road, I’ll keep on allowing you to get away with whatever you want, and I’ll keep cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids and dishing out the nookie.
NUH UH baby, if one or at the most two public declarations of “do NOT insult me” don’t work? The Wife-Strike would be in full force. You don’t get rewarded or get to go on with business as usual when you’re displaying bad behaviour!
Is this a whoosh?
He has already made them look bad. He is insulting the person instead of insulting the action, something nobody should do with anybody, especially their spouse. He could say “When the children aren’t ready for school on time, Mabel can really get upset” or “When the Kid spilled his milk twice at dinner, it really set Mabel off.” Nobody is anything all the time. He is making her look like a bad mother.
This strikes me as the sort of thing where she has to stand up for herself, but her friends should also be speaking up. If he says, "Mabel has such a short fuse with the kids… " her friends should be calling him on that.
“That’s crap, Jerry. Mabel is great with the kids. Why, I remember when… (blah blah blah)”
The other people at these shindigs are creating a welcoming environment for his rudeness.
As I’ve reached my 40s, I’ve discovered something.
You owe nothing to people who are behaving badly.
She is under no obligation to make him “look good.” He is disrespectful and rude. There is no reason to make excuses for him or allow him to come out of this with no consequences.
She should start by telling him, once and for all, she will no longer tolerate such behavior. Then, I would suggest she get counseling to figure out why she needed to put up with it for so long.
If things do not improve, then they both need to go to counseling. If he refuses, then she needs to explore other options. But we’re not there yet.
Well, average in the sense that 50% of marriages end in divorce - so the average couple is either the least happy couple that stays together or the most functional of those divorcing - and average in that it was a surprise to him, he acted badly, he stopped within seconds.
I’ve seen worse. I’ve heard about much worse.
Wasn’t meant as a whoosh - I personally don’t enjoy watching a couple tear each other up. Dane Cook might, but not me.
Plan B, you’re right about 50% + American marriages ending in divorce - it’s probably a good idea to keep that statistic in mind when asking for relationship advice on these boards.
Why is she concerned about how HE looks to their friends and acquaintances; they already know what he’s like. And if they really are friends, I agree also that one or more of them should speak up. If telling him not to do it doesn’t work, leave. And she should have an extra car key so she can take the car; let HIM catch a cab, or get a ride with one of these “friends.” Before we got married, I put up with husband’s drinking and acting like an ass in public, and occasionally flirting with other women. Once on vacation, we were on a two-hour cruise and met a couple. We were drinking champagne and he was looped by the time we got back and I was pissed. Walking from the dock, he walked ahead of me with the husband, as the wife walked ahead with another woman. My guy says to the husband, “She looks really good in those shorts.” The husband didn’t say anything. My guy says to no one in particular, “let get dinner” (meaning all of us) as they head for the hotel. I’m the least assertive person I know, but this was the last straw; I was fuming and just kept walking to the parking lot. When we go on vacation, I always have extra car keys in case of whatever, so I got in his car, had a cigarette, then left. To make a long story short, he eventually changed his ways, and we got married. Now when we’re out, if he does or says something to piss me off, I look at him, grin and say, “you want me to take the car and leave you here?” and we laugh about it.
Wow. Ignore my suggestions before. I was giving him the benefit of a less-than-explicit OP. I don’t see any way his statements, as you relate them, are anything other than just being an ass. I was very hesitant to join in with the others in condemning him as lacking respect for her, but after the above post, I don’t see any other way of looking at it.