I have a friend who has been married for almost 30 years. I would guess that about 90% of the stories she tells about her husband are negative. Like, today she told me he refuses to watch any show or movie she suggests he watch, but he always expects her to watch the shows and movies he tells her to watch.
She isn’t “allowed” to go grocery shopping because he thinks she wastes money. Mind you, he’s been retired for the last ten years while she’s still working a challenging 9-to-5 job and makes a very decent salary. Seems to me that would entitle her to go to the grocery store whenever she freakin’ wants! But weirdly, she goes along with this stupid rule because she doesn’t want to make him mad.
I honestly don’t get it. I don’t WANT to get it. Every time we talk (which is almost daily, since we walk home from work together), I feel a huge sense of gratitude that I’m not burdened by a shitty partner. However, while part of me wants to call this a toxic relationship, part of me also thinks my friend enjoys playing the long-suffering submissive wife. I think she gets something out of telling me these horrible (albeit sometimes entertaining) stories. Sometimes I wonder if they are 100% true.
The thing is, I never know how I’m “supposed” to respond. I usually say something like “Wow, that was such a stupid/mean/wrong thing for him to say/do!” But during today’s story, I blurted out, “Your husband is such a dick!” There was a brief moment of silence afterwards, and I felt like I had crossed a line. Sometimes I want to ask her why she’s still with him, but I feel like this would be inappropriate to say as well. I guess I worry that she could just be blowing off the regular kind of steam that all married people need to release, so I don’t want to make it weird by mentioning the “D word”. Especially since I don’t have any experiences to draw from to make my opinion worth anything.
Should I continue with the low-key responses or should I be more frank?
You could try interrupting the cycle perhaps? Laughingly point out you feel you’re maybe beginning to get a quite negative view of the guy and are naturally growing curious what were the charms he used to woo her? And does he still possess any of them? Ask what she loves about him that’s kept her at his side for 30+ years. You can always play off your questions as curious as you’ve not had such a relationship yourself and have always wondered!
You could be in for a boatload of sour grapes, of course, but it might be worth a shot! Good Luck!
Seems like you are a sounding board for her to complain to. Not easy. Something must be working if they have been married for 30 years. I might respond with something like “I wouldn’t stand for that”. Cause I wouldn’t.
Sounds exactly like my coworker. She’s in her early 60s and has been married for like 40 years. The man is a freaking asshole. Same thing with tv. She can only watch what he watches. Even if she goes into another room to watch something she wants, he’ll follow her in, change the channel to whatever he’s watching and sit down there. If she’s ‘too slow’ putting things away, he hides them from her and won’t tell her where they are. Whenever she talks about him, I just say, I’d never put up with that. Hell, when she mentioned he said she should lose weight, I asked if she wanted to lose weight and she said ‘Well…he thinks I should…’ and I was like, it’s none of his fucking business what you weigh. Tell him that until he’s sporting a six pack he should shut the fuck up. I didn’t mince words on that one.
I mean, I know I’d never put up with it but I also understand a bit her situation. This is all she’s known her entire life. She knows nothing about living on her own and she must be worried that if they did separate she’d be left with nothing. I guess it’s a case of choosing the devil you know over the one you don’t.
I kinda feel like some people can get through their whole life in a fairly crappy relationship if they have a way to vent. I have a girlfriend whose husband is financially controlling and who has done some really crappy things in their 20+ years together - but she frankly believes loneliness would be worse than living like that so she stays, and she vents to me, and I make sympathetic noises, and she posts lovey-dovey Facebook statuses about him on their anniversaries, and the years keep ticking by. I can’t really do more than point out he’s out of line when he’s out of line so she has validation that her internal voice was right.
This, a million times. I think I would just keep repeating “you have it within your power to change this situation” for every single story. Probably she would stop telling me these stories and nothing else would change, but at least I wouldn’t be afraid that I was somehow enabling things by passively listening.
Some people put up with this kind of shit because they don’t like conflict or confrontation. I know I did. I rarely, if ever, decided what was going on the TV, and frankly if she was entertained then at least there would be peace.
The same thing applied to meal choices, of which she had the palate of a 10 year old. I don’t think I complained a lot to friends, but I’m sure I mentioned some stuff when I was frustrated.
It’s nice to have someone to vent to. I think the best you can do is just nod and be understanding. Calling him a dick is a bit extreme, but after 30 years of marriage there’s probably not anything you can do to change her behaviour.
It would be different of course if there was any hint of physical abuse. So far he does just sound like a dick, but that’s really not your concern.
I was in a relationship like that and my friends couldn’t understand. “Why don’t you just leave?”
I tried once and he immediately removed 22k from my bank account. He also blackmailed me by threatening to make me lose my job and my nursing license and my family
It was 12 years of horrendous abuse. I lost everything and he only hit me a few times. He wouldn’t let me talk to my children or friends or family.
Monstro please ask your friend to Google financial abuse. Narcissistic abuse Syndrome. Please tell her to do this away from home because if he finds out she will PAY. Possibly with her life.
She needs help and she is reaching out in desperation.
It sounds crazy because of course no normal person would allow such a thing. It is real.
Please… please at least just ask her to Google narcissistic abuse. I had no idea what it was until I left because he controlled everything I read online. She has to do this without his knowledge.
I see nothing wrong with your “dick” comment. Giving her a reality check is a good thing. She’s been normalizing this relationship for way too long. You may go back to listening passively, but letting her know things aren’t right is what a friend does.
One more thing… physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. If another person has control of your finances and/or ability to earn a living, it can be very hard to leave.
I have a good friend that regularly complains to me about her husband (married like 12 years). The first few times she told me she was going to leave him I was a little freaked out and even helped her look at apartments to move to and stuff. But it turned out she couldn’t really afford it and maybe she wasn’t that mad and their marriage and kid are worth staying together and she was over it after a couple days.
It finally dawned on me that she wasn’t going to leave her husband and he is always going to piss her off and do shitty things from time to time (never controlling or abusive stuff like the OP, more like very disappointing or dumb stuff). She just gets riled the fuck up about him and very disappointed in him.
Now I just keep it light and say “aw that’s terrible what he did!” and “Oh man, Jerry fucked up again…” and let her vent.
Sometimes people just like to be heard. And she might particularly like venting to you because A) you can’t interrupt her or one-up her with stories of your terrible husband and B) you’re not someone in her family and can’t/won’t spread gossip that will get back to him. So you’re a pretty good mark.
I say unless you’re afraid for her safety, just sit back and enjoy the entertainment and be glad she’s not trying to get you to spill your story.
I’ve been (re)reading Girls With Slingshots lately, and one similar situation resulted in Hazel asking “sympathy or advice?” or similar. I thought that was pretty clever.
Concur with this. You were moved to call him a dick, because she keeps telling stories that make him sound like a dick. It’s probably a good thing for her to hear that at least once. Doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it - you could easily go back to the tried and true “that sounds pretty crummy of him”. But she might as well understand - only having bad things to say about your spouse is really not normal. Or good.