My wife has a friend like this (controlling asshole husband). She finally blurted out “Why don’t you leave him?” Friend answered that she’d rather be with someone she hated than be alone.
I wouldn’t choose that but… different strokes.
I think your response depends on how deep your friendship goes. She wants to complain. If she’s just a co-worker, listen and nod and sympathize. If she’s a closer friend than that, mention something about her doing things to improve her situation.
Now, what are you getting out these walks home? Are your co-worker’s stories entertaining? Does she let you complain about your life, or does she belittle your miseries with her own bigger ones? Do you talk about other things in life? Do you get to talk about stuff you want to talk about? Or does everything lead back to her crappy husband?
I’m just saying don’t let these walks become something you dread rather than enjoy. Friendship is a two-way street.
Yes, but if someone complains about the same stuff over and over, it becomes very hard not to be frustrated they aren’t doing anything about it. I make humorous but genuine suggestions for things she can say in response to her husband’s dickery (stuff I imagine my mother tells my dad when he acts a fool), and she always cracks up and says “That’s a good one! I’ll try to use that one the next time it happens!” Fast forward a few days later and she’ll tell me that the same thing happened again, with her reacting the exact same way. I’ll point out that she missed an opportunity to be assertive and she’ll just laugh and say, “Yeah I know! I’m bad, aren’t I?”
The other night, we were talking about her daughter. Her daughter seems to be attracted to the worst guys, and my friend was wondering why she just can’t be alone for awhile…why must she continually leap from dumpster fire to dumpster fire. It took everything in my being to not say the obvious. I feel like if I were older and more experienced, I would be able to get away with speaking harsh truths to her. It is weird being younger than someone (she’s 16 years older than I am) but feeling like the wiser one.
This is a good point. She may also feel like I’m a “safe place” because I’m not going to make her feel weird by talking about all the things my fantastic husband or boyfriend has done for me. I imagine she hears plenty of those stories from other women.
And it just occurred to me that maybe she talks so much shit about her husband because she doesn’t want to make me feel weird by “bragging” about the privileges and benefits of marriage. I hope I haven’t given her the impression that this kind of dance is necessary, but I can see how she might make that assumption.
In the mid 1990s I worked in a small lab with two women. During our breaks they would complain about their husbands. Nonstop. Since then, I have noticed the same behavior when some other women get together.
I have never heard of two men getting together to complain about their wives.
Just an interesting, and albeit anecdotal, observation.
I’ve seen it a few times. Thing is they then talk about what to do about it.
I think its because men tend to be “fixers” and look for solutions while women just seem to want a sympathetic ear. Its something I’ve learned to deal with when working with women. Dont offer advice. Just listen.
My advise for the OP. When told about these problems, ask them what they are going to do about it and hold them to it. Next time they gripe, ask them what they did about it and if they havent just say “Stop, I dont want to hear any more”.
And it wont be just about husbands. Some people will whine about their jobs, kids, or just general situation in life but REFUSE to do anything about it. Those people will suck the energy right out of you if given a chance so dont allow it.
Happened at every single duty station my husband has been at. He would come home with hair-raising stories about his coworkers’ wives, and then grumble that they constantly gave him shit for not complaining about me (insisting he was pussy-whipped because of it). Since I knew the wives, I knew the stories were 100% believable.
Is this a joke? Because I know pretty much an equal number of women bitching about husbands and husbands bitching about wives. I don’t much like either one, and feel pretty much like monstro does about being unsure what I’m supposed to say.
Well, when the male side starts in about “all women” I do know what to say, but that’s different.
Yep, makes you think.
Makes me think, as a woman, I was right not to get married.
She talks more than I do, but she listens to my work-related complaints and gripes when I have them. And when she is telling me about her horrible husband, she is light-hearted about it. Her bashfests aren’t depressing. Just crazy.
I don’t dread our walks at all. It’s just that I sometimes don’t know how to handle what she lays on me.
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Yeah, people may need to vent occasionally. That doesn’t mean YOU signed up to be someone’s sounding board. Your problem isn’t how to fix their marriage. Neither is your problem how to stop her husband from being a dick. Your problem seems to be her talking your ears off complaining about the man. You may just have to tell her “Look, it’s none of my business and I don’t want to hear about it anymore.” when she starts up. Because if you let her come up to speed she’s not gonna stop.
Really?
How about x wives?
Wanna reconsider? I think you’re WAY off in your estimation.
Also generally my experience. In our circle of friends, according to my wife, there’s quite a bit of complaining about husbands when the women are together (though not about me, she says 
) although it’s not really bitter complaint with one possible exception, see below. When the men are together it’s never more than the gentlest poking of fun at the wives.
These are relatively older people, mainly NY Italian and Jewish, somewhat traditional though generally left leaning politically, well educated but not well off financially (I’m odd man out in most respects but still get along well with them). Things like that probably matter though I’m sure it just also varies by individual. I suppose the men view it as more likely to reflect badly on themselves if they speak other than well of their wives, but the wives feel less that way given their particular backgrounds and traditions. (and I guess one reason my wife doesn’t complain about me to them is that in her quite different culture you just don’t do that; I don’t complain about her because I just don’t have anything at all serious to complain about).
The wife who complains most is married to a guy who would clearly be difficult to live with, both stereotypical NY’ers, both very witty. They could be a sitcom. But it’s not surprising if she has some actual non-kidding complaints. But nobody ever suggests eg ‘why don’t you leave?’. The complaints aren’t on a level where that wouldn’t be just a weird thing to say. The others just listen and/or commiserate with their own generally milder stories.
You’re hearing what she has to complain about. You haven’t heard what he has to complain about. On some level they both like things the way they are or they wouldn’t have stayed together so long. Don’t offer advice because that isn’t what she is looking for. She wants simple validation. OMG, really?, not again! Validate, then change the subject.
Agree.
It’s been my experience that men and women tend to talk about different things when they’re together. With men it’s mostly sports, cars, auto mechanics, work, music, and sometimes sexual conquests (if they’re single). Rarely will men get together and talk crap about their wives. With women their discussions are mainly about children, husbands/relationships, and women they hate.
I am simply relating my experiences, and there have (obviously) been many exceptions. YMMV.
Rodney Dangerfield: “I get no respect, no respect at all.”
Your wife: “That’s too bad. What are you going to do about it?”
Not to discount the possibility that there could be genuine abuse, or at least unhealthy dynamics, in this marriage, but maybe complaining about her husband is just her shtick.
I have had a few people over the years admit that they prefer a bad relationship to being alone. It seems to be if not common at least not unheard of.
For the OP, whenever I have someone complain like this to me, I figure they are looking to swap complaints to make them not feel so bad, or just have someone listen and take their side. The most I ever offer in advice is “if I were in that situation, I would do XYZ”.
Now, she may just be coming up with amusing stories about her relationship, and the fact that you think the spouse is a dick doesn’t register, or doesn’t matter to her. Og knows, I’ve been more likely to relate when Bob was being an idiot than when he was being perfect, because perfect is better, but it doesn’t make good copy.
And if he’s home all the time, and she isn’t “allowed” to go grocery shopping, it might be that he’s being controlling, but damn. I never complained when Bob was willing to do the grocery shopping, so this doesn’t sound like a truly bad thing? Maybe she is the type to go to the grocery store and spend all the money on chocolate and tortilla chips, and forget the TP and milk.
But to me, it sounds like she might be in a drama triangle, and she might be trying to drag you into a rescuer role.
Here’s the thing about drama triangles. In a real drama triangle, no one wants it to end. Consider your co-worker - what does she get out of this? It sounds like she gets attention - and if she doesn’t have any cute stories about what a dick her husband is, what does she have to talk about? And being a victim means you don’t have to take responsibility for what happens to you.
You are not going to fix her relationship, and that’s the common drama triangle hook to drag you into the drama. So give up any idea that you will make things better by giving advice. You can ask her questions - what are you going to do about that, why do you put up with that, etc. That’s the best thing to do with victim drama players - make them take responsibility for what happens to them, and if they aren’t willing to do so, stop giving them attention for the problems they have.
You might ask if he really is as big a jerk as she makes him out to be. He may be a truly nice person with a some flaws (and isn’t that true of all of us). He may be abusive, but what you related doesn’t sound necessarily abusive to me.
Or just say something along the lines of “That behavior doesn’t sound very nice to me, I hope that he has redeeming qualities to make up for that”. Note that here you’re not talking about him, but about his actions. That’s an important distinction.
If he does veer into abusive behavior, then you could get a list of abusive behaviors to watch out for and give it to her. But from what you’ve mentioned, I don’t see so much “abusive” as “jerkish”
Or it could be that the men you hang out with don’t have anything to complain about, because they are the ones being complained about by their wives!
I’ve worked in almost all-women environments and almost all-male environments.
I don’t recall either one being dominated by SO-bashfests.
I think there might be a grain of truth in the notion that women are more likely to paint a negative picture about their relationship–a picture that puts them in the “victim” role. I suppose it is possible women are just naturally hard-to-please nag-harpies. But it is just as possible that men are more likely to be shitty spouses who really do victimize their wives.
I wouldn’t be surprised if people who don’t “believe” in divorce are more likely to put up with shitty spouses and thus complain all the time about shitty spouses. If this assumption is true, I would expect frequent complainers to be more conservative-leaning. My friend is conservative as well as religious. Perhaps what looks like a “women” thing is actually a “subset of women” thing.
I came here to say the same thing - that you’re probably hearing only one side of the story.