Am I asking too much from my husband ?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Okay, I personally wouldn’t expect Mr. Del to change his behavior with a friend in a similar situation. I think this woman’s remark about slobbiness was maybe not the most polite thing ever, but you’ve already done good by refusing to take her bait.

Now, if this were me, I would wait until Mr. Del ran into her again, and while they were chatting, I would position myself so that he could see me, and she could not, and then proceed to behave in the most slobby manner I could think of – reaching up under my shirt to scratch my tummy, raising my arm to do the smell test, pretending to pick my nose – because I’m all mature like that. :smiley: The object would be to see how long he could carry on a conversation while keeping a straight face. Or, since these things often backfire when I do them, to see how quickly a random third party notices me picking at my hinney before Mr. Del does. YMMV.

42

I don’t think anyone needs to tell anyone else what to do. But I’d have to ask my husband what was up with all the coziness with someone who had shown me that kind of disrespect.

43

This is an excellent point that needs to taken into consideration. Some, even if said with a smile, a wink and a nudge, would have taken such a comment to heart and would have been offended even if the speaker was joking.

44

Different strokes for different folks and all that, but I’ll add my personal opinion. It’s likely to be quite a bit different from everyone else’s here (can’t say I read all of 'em).
It’s completely one thing for Partner A to dictate Partner B’s social relationships. This (in all realistic-ness) is just plain silly. You cannot go around saying, “no, do not speak to Cindy Lee because to be honest - I don’t like her.” Before you say so, I know it’s not what you did. Be patient. I have a point.

But it’s quite another thing for Partner A to be insulted by Cindy Lee - and then to have Partner B to chat with her as if nothing else had happened (at least IMO - and I speak as a guy).

I would expect my girl to expect me to at least be far more distant with this woman, particularly if she had insulted (our) kids. You can argue “oh the truth hurts” and all that schlock, but the “truth” can be expressed in a classy way - or it can be expressed in the complete absence of (and I don’t think it was a passing comment to make).

Now you can look at that as “oh you’re being so stringent - how dare you dictate who my friends or conversational partners are!” but I would say that in this case, it’s more about loyalty. I’m not saying your hub should go slap this woman round like a bitch-hoe; nor should he even get involved in the argument (it’s not really his anyway) if he really doesn’t want to. That’s gotta be his choice. But to turn a blind eye to it completely, to me anyway… smacks of disloyalty. At the end of the day he’s with you, not her. Yes he doesn’t have to give her death stares as she walks across the street - but neither does he have to walk around showing his pearly whites (if they really are that color - hell FAIK they could be green as fungus) everytime she shows up.

Another thing is your personality. Now to be practical, it could just be that you are argumentative (I said could, keep reading). You could be getting into fights left, right and centre and this can have a deleterious effect on a relationship. If this is the case, it’s understandable why he wouldn’t want to get involved in any way shape or form with this argument.

But if this is the case, it’s his job to TELL YOU - you can go on sorting it out from there.

However if (by most accounts that he has with you) he knows you to be a person of sound mind and body, and you claim this woman has offended you in this way, you probably should let him know about exactly why it is this is bothering you so much - and, IMPO, he should back you up with it.

Remember everything is about balance - if we all stopped communicating with people who pissed off our SO’s, nobody in da big wide world would speak to each other. It’s all about comprimise (God, I sound like one of those weirdo Agony Aunt’s don’t I?).

But once again IMHO he sure as hell shouldn’t be pissed at you for this whole scenario. I mean you were only asking.

I will take exception to one comment though:

We’re not talking about cutting off his oxygen supply with the rest of humanity here. This is a woman who insulted his wife - and he should show some signs of sticking up for her (his wife, not the ogre).

45

The insult as described here strikes me as completely silly. Nothing wrong with the husband believing that it’s completely silly too and not buying into this whole sitcom routine in the first place. Obviously I have no idea if this is how the husband here feels but regardless it’s ridiculous to turn “He’s still able to interact socially with this person” into “He is betraying our marriage.” This whole situation has the stink of the drama queen about it.

46

I think the comment was rude and you have every right to be mad at this woman, but you should leave your husband out of it. He clearly did not feel that her comment to you was a problem with his friendship with her. That’s his business, period. Getting angry at him for his decision puts you in the role of dictating who he can be friends with and when. It also puts him in the position of defending the person who was rude to you, when in fact he had nothing to do with the confrontation.

You’re angry at her – don’t project that anger onto your husband.

47

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No, that’s simply wrong. Disagreeing with someone is an argument. Calling someone an asshole in front of their kids is an event that requires an apology. It’s not just a spouse that should stand by you, it is all of civil society.

I tracked down 2 neighborhood kids once and extracted an apology from them for independent acts of incivility. I did it more for their benefit than mine. I took the time to explain the nature of their actions and how it affected their own self worth in addition to my feelings.

Time eventually smooths over most transgressions but an apology ends it immediately with both parties feeling good about themselves. Make no mistake, people will take the memory of being treated poorly to their grave.

48

Well, see, that’s pretty much what that woman said. That snotty little comment about whether or not the OP’s kids were dressed appropriately, that’s saying that she doesn’t take proper care of her children and calling her a bad mother. It’s the bitchy, backhanded, cowardly way of doing it, but that’s what it is.

Personally, I’d be more pissed at the snotty, bitchy, backhanded, cowardly part than at the comment itself. You got a problem with me, come out and say it like a grownup. Don’t dance around with the seventh-grade bitchy little backhanded comments. Show me the respect of acting like we’re both reasonable adults, or get the hell out of my way, 'cause I don’t have time for all that middle-school bullshit.

And to be honest, I’d be hurt and upset if Dr.J continued to be all chummy and buddy-buddy with someone who showed me so little respect as to say something like that about us. (And let’s face it, parenting is a joint effort, so criticizing the way your kids are dressed is a comment about the both of you.) Being all chummy with her, that’s tacitly telling her that it’s okay to treat our family with a lack of respect, and I’d have a real problem with that. I’d feel free to tell him that it bothered me, and why, because discussing your feelings on stuff like this is what adults in a healthy relationship do. He’d be free to do whatever he felt was appropriate from there, but I’d have to tell him how I felt about the subject.

As for the whole “truth hurts” angle, the OP has absolutely ZERO control over what her kids spill on themselves at school. They’re neat and clean when they leave the house, so she’s not letting them dress inappropriately, no matter what her snotty neighbor may say.

49

Anything new, dragongirl?

50

No, nothing new.

My husband works ridiculous hours and he was too tired last night to have any kind of conversation. I’ll try again tonight.

51

Forget the question about whether you’re telling him what to do …

What you’re responding to here is that he hurt your feelings by not being a little more sensitive to the situation. I think he could have acted a little more gentlemanly toward you by acknowledging that your hurt is in some sense his hurt. Instead of insisting that he act this way or that way, I’d be more concerned with the question of why the hell he doesn’t care a little bit more. Why is he so eager to stay friends with someone who insulted his wife and kids?

I would also question this woman’s motivations. It’s fine that you’re comfortable with the friendship, but most healthy male-female platonic friendships have to respect the position of the SO. In other words, do or would the three of you have lunch together? If not, I’d say it’s trouble.
I’d say everybody here who says you’re “out of line” is a little too touchy on the question of wives telling husbands what to do. Of course people can’t control others, but a little compassion for your feelings wouldn’t hurt your husband a bit.

52

More like tactlessness hurts, but some people just don’t seem to get the difference.

Daniel

53

I think the point is that yes, the woman said something ‘mildly mean’ to dragongirl, and no doubt dragongirl repeated it to her husband.

Like I said in my FIRST POST, his responsibility is to comfort his wife, say something like WOW, totally inappropriate and be done with it. He definitely should acknowledge his wife’s hurt feelings. Absolutely no question there.

However, what I don’t agree with is Dragongirl’s assertation that because the woman said something mean to her…that her husband should NO LONGER BE SOCIAL with the woman. Nor do I believe that the husband is required to solicit an apology.

Obviously, EMMV

54

A solicited apology is always empty, so I wouldn’t even go there.

This woman was insulting to both the OP and the kids. Even if only mildly, it’s not the kind of thing you say to casual acquaintances. Shit. I didn’t even say anything to my SISTER when she and my neice showed up at mom’s ash burial thing dressed far too casually, in my opinion. Slob or not, it’s a “to each his own” situation and it shouldn’t be brought up unless you’re really close. The husband should at LEAST give the neighbor a mild dig. For the team.

55

If he’s close friends with her, than he can decide whether these insults are enough to jeopardize his friendship or not. If she’s basically an aquaintance, well, I can’t imagine why he would want to chat with her at this point. If someone said such things to my (hypothetical) boyfriend, and our children to boot, I would aim to be icily, excruciatingly civil. Any social relationship would likely be over.

However, it is rather an imposition to ask someone to stop talking to their friend. If he doesn’t feel the way I do (maybe he’s used to her saying things like that in the heat of the moment, and has learned to dismiss it. Or maybe he simply thinks this is your battle, and not his.) then there’s really nothing you can do. Certainly he should hear about the fight, but you can’t ask him to stop talking to people because you don’t like them.

Just my two cents. Personally, if someone said things like that to someone I loved, I would probably take it pretty personally and I highly doubt I would have any desire to speak to them again.

56

So the consensus is dueling pistols at dawn?

57

MHO? She crossed the line. Your husband was wrong in being so friendly to someone who disrespected you AND your kids IN FRONT of the kids. It gives me the impression that he doesn’t respect you either, or he’d be pissed at her, too. What a bitch!

58

IMO, this goes beyond the “I had a petty spat with her so you can’t talk to her.” What she said, if it was said completely seriously, was insulting. El hubbo should’ve backed her up – not dropped-kicked the woman but perhaps been somewhat chilly.

HOWEVER, IMO, the fact that he didn’t do that makes me wonder if he thinks what the woman said has merit and if it’s something that bugs him as well.

It seems like there’s more to it, is all.

59

If I am reading correctly, El Hubbo wasn’t THERE when the woman said this thing (which, incidentally seems mild, especially since I agree that stained clothing isn’t appropriate school attire), so I don’t think it’s imperetive for him to step up to the plate AFTER THE FACT…it’s dragongirl’s battle.

60

Jarbabyj, if someone said something unprovoked and unwarranted like that to me, I’d be really thrown if my husband had a nice, long friendly chat with her the next time he saw her; i.e., I’d really wonder if my husband completely agreed with her, because it is so not what I would expect from him. She didn’t say, “you look like slobs today” (still not great) but she said, “you and your kids look like slobs all the time.” Ick.

I get what you’re saying about it being her battle, but I honestly don’t buy that you would be completely fine if something similar happened to you and Mr. Jar continued to be very cordial with her. And quite honestly, maybe I don’t think that because from what you’ve posted about Mr. Jar, I don’t think he would just let it pass. Who knows.