Am I being overprotective of my 9-year-old?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My son is telling me I’m overprotective, and I told him I’d get other, unbiased opinions. So here I am.

My son attends school about a block from our home. Since I work full-time, after school ends (2:45 p.m.) he is walked to his afterschool program about five blocks away by one of a couple I pay to walk him and a group of other children to the same program. My son doesn’t like either one of the couple very much – he says the woman is too strict (which I don’t have a problem with) and the man swears and tells the kids to shut up. (Rest assured I will be speaking with them soon.) Regardless of that situation, he believes he is old enough to walk to the afterschool program on his own and wants to do so. I would, of course, pick him up as usual.

The idea freaks me out a bunch, and I am wholly against it. I’m fine with him walking to school on his own (which happens extremely rarely anyway) but five blocks, across one major street – no way. I know of one other kid his age that walks on his own, and that’s it, so it’s not like he’s the only one being walked like a baby or anything. On the flip side, I grew up in the city, and I remember walking to school by myself (about five or six blocks) every morning and walking home by myself every afternoon. So am I being overprotective of my baby boy?

I told him regardless of peoples’ opinions, I have the final say on the matter, natch – this isn’t a kid-run household. I just want to make sure I’m not smothering him with worry. What do y’all think?

2

I think your son should walk by himself.

3

THAT would be my conniving son posting. Sorry about that.

4

That’s hysterical.

I think it does depend somewhat on the area. However, my parents are pretty darn protective of me, and I was taking the city bus home by myself when I was in grade 4, so… at the age of 8, 9?

I would say there are definitely argument to be made on either side and that neither of you are way out there, though.

5

First of all, you’d need to tell us what kind of neighborhood you live in. Do you consider it to be a dangerous area?

Secondly, would he be walking with a group of children? (That’s the implication I got from your post.)

Thirdly, is your son a good kid who’s not likely to do anything stupid or misbehave?

If your neighborhood is relatively safe, he’d be in a group of other kids, and he’s generally a good guy himself, I wouldn’t really have a problem with it.

Heavy traffic areas seem like to me to be a less likely site for child abduction. (Too many witnesses, and abductors don’t like to approach a child in a group . . . they look for one on their own.) You could ask him to call you each time he reaches the destination to ensure he got there safely, if it makes you feel better.

However, you’re right: you’re the mom. If anything makes you uncomfortable, you have the final say. My mom wouldn’t even let me cross the highway to get the mail until I was sixteen, and I turned out all right.

6

Couple of questions first:
Is there a crossing guard at the major intersection? Are there many other children of any age walking the same route? Has your son demonstrated that he knows how to cross the street safely? Has he also demonstrated (and been given the chance to demonstrate) that he can be trusted to be where he’s supposed to be? If the answer to these questions is yes, then this should not be too much for a 9-year-old to h andle. I walked about that far to & from school starting in kindergarten, but there were a whole bunch of other kids doing the same thing, and there was a crossing guard where we had to cross the 4-lane state highway.

Another question: What would the after-school program people do if he did not show up at the expected time? Is there a specific time they expect him? Would they call you if he was late by more than a few minutes?

It sounds like you alone are paying somebody to walk not only your son but other people’s children to the after school program. How do the parents of the other children feel? If there is no crossing guard at the intersection, and there is a large number of children crossing there, perhaps the school or the town could be convinced to post one for the hour or less after school that it would be needed. What sort of major intersection are we talking about? Two lanes? Four lanes? More? What is the speed limit?

I’m trying to think what scares you about him walking alone. Is it traffic, kidnapping, that he might run off and not go to the afterschool, or that he might be picked on by other children?

There will have to be a time, even if it’s not now, when you let him cross the street by himself. You will have to think about when and under what conditions that will be. Certainly if he’s shown himself to be untrustworthy, or in some way irresponsible or lacking in self-discipline, then that might be something that you’d insist on seeing a change in before allowing more freedom.

7

It’s a good, family-oriented neighborhood. Not many problems with crime; I don’t consider it dangerous at all. The route he would conceivably take is well-lit (not that it matters in the afternoon) down mostly residential streets except when he needs to cross one major street at a traffic light. Well, he could also take the major street most of the way, which might be better.

However – he would NOT be walking with a group of kids. A group of kids walks with the adults I mentioned (or more frequently rides in a car with them), but my son thinks he should be allowed to go on his own. If he were with even one or two other kids I’d be okay with it. Alone, not so okay.

In general, he’s a very good kid, but he is much like I was as a kid – kind of dreamy and flaky. I don’t think he’d get into any deliberate trouble but I worry that he’d freak out if anyone tried anything with him.

8

I agree wholeheartedly-- alone is not okay. As a grown woman, I don’t like to walk anywhere alone. It’s just not a good idea.

9

Goodness, I was walking longer when I was in kindergarten! In safe areas, mind you - but in the mid-70s, when crime overall was much worse than today. And I’ve always been flakier than a Crisco pie crust on a dry day.

I don’t blame you for worrying, but always remember that the media are trying to sell advertising. Blaring headlines about things that (a) are very unsual and (b) play into people’s most deep-seated fears is a great for reader/viewership, but a lousy way to inform people about how the world really is. (Why do you think local news stations send vans to cover Elizabeth Smart in Utah? Because if they were forced to cover local news, they’d be stuck saying “Well, um, not much happened today.” Or they’d be forced to talk about things that aren’t that photogenic, like what’s going on in the school budget.)

10

Nope. Group of kids with a plan in place if he didn’t show up at the after school care place might be just OK but by himself while the other kids still walk in a group with adults, nope. If all the other kids are with an adult and he’s the only one regularly walking alone, I’d be concerned that someone might notice.

and nice try, Gundy’s son :wink:

11

That’s a tough call (and may I say that with his sneaky little post there, he reminds me even more of my goofball almost-14-year-old brother).

I didn’t walk to school as a kid; I went to a magnet school across town, so I was bussed. Also, life in general seemed a lot safer back then. My little brother just recently started walking to school, and he’ll be 14 next month - he lives in a neighborhood roughly similar in safety level to yours. The again, my stepmom is a control freak, so maybe that’s not a good comparison.

How far are you from the school vs. the after-school program? Is there a significant difference? Is there a way he could go with another kid or two, rather than these awful grownups he can’t stand?

Of course, you’re the mom, so you’re in charge. Maybe you can think of some way to test how he deals with independence in smaller doses first.

12

Which major intersection is it? My kids are 8 and 6 and we don’t let them walk across the side street to each parent’s house (we live three doors apart) but that’s mainly because people drive like maniacs at our intersection and disregard the stop sign regularly even after repeated stings by the Evanston police.

That said, I am in favor of it, and I think in a year or two when they get better at checking the streets I won’t have a problem with it, i mean I walked to school from 1st grade on in Rogers Park and I really enjoyed it actually, it was my firsttaste of freedom. Sure I got into a few scrapes but that is part of growing up imo.

I am such a bad parent :wink:

13

And I should say, I was walking alone, mostly - sometimes other kids around me, but often not.

Lissa, I can understand some concern, but my goodness that’s really putting a lot limitations on yourself. And I think it’s extremely important that children develop street-smarts, which you get by doing, and doing by yourself.

14

I don’t agree that kids get street smarts by being placed at risk and doing stuff by themselves.

And why are the other kids not walking alone? I think that’s a difference between when we were kids and now – we walked in groups or with a friend. I’d be saying no because he is the only one doing it.

15

I’m a country girl. I was raised in the rural Midwest. A murder in my area made the front page of the paper for months. About six months ago, we had our first mugging. Pandemonium!

So, when I moved to the Big City, I was terrified. Horrible things happened in a geographical proximity which I found unsettling and frightening. I wouldn’t walk in the city alone, nor would I leave the house alone after dark.

Even now, back in my safe, comfy home town, I still don’t like to walk in town by myself. But, then again, I rarely have reason to. My hubby is perfectly willing to go shopping with me, or I can call a friend.

Personally, I think the smartest thing is safety in numbers. Women and children are rarely attacked if someone is with them. Having another person with you is just an extra layer of security.

Perhaps I’m just paranoid, but I want to be as safe as I can be in this world. I’ve heard too many victims’ stories. No matter how much I think I’m prepared for a situation, you can never cover all the variables. Why not do something as simple and enjoyable as taking a friend or my husband along with me when it may prevent me from looking like a good target for a crime?

Look at it this way: home security experts say that a dog is one of the best protections for your home. It doesn’t have to be big, or mean, it just has to be there. A criminal, looking for an easy targe, is unlikely to want to mess with a house guarded by a dog. It may sit there, wagging its tail, but who knows if it will go nuts and attack when the criminal enters the house?

Similarly, having another person with you makes you a little less desirable as a target. I’m not a prisoner in my home. I go and do the things I need to do, though I feel much safer if someone can come along with me.

16

If all the other kids are walking only with adults, there must be some reason. In that case, I agree that he should do what the other kids do. However, as I said before, you should plan ahead and decide under what conditions and at what age he will be allowed to walk alone. Obviously some time before he graduates from high school!

17

I’d say you’re right-he should stay with the group. If he feels uncomfortable with the couple, you can talk to them-but in the situation you described, no, I think he’s too young to walk by himself.

18

How old is your kid?
8?
11?
14?

It makes a difference.

19

I think he’s… uh… maybe… 9?

20

Yes, someone needs to read thread titles.

In any case, I think he ought to be able to go on his own if he wishes. If he wants to badly enough, he’ll do so anyhow, sooner or later.