Am I Being Petty?

I have a friend who, for years, has been on some kind of prescription tranquilizer or other. Whenever the going gets tough, she just pops a pill. She makes sure that she never runs out and always has a backup stash. She says it’s her security blanket in case she ever can’t get her prescription refilled unexpectedly for whatever reason. She is probably addicted, but not too seriously, because she seems to function just fine.

Why do I care? Here’s why. I, too, have a tendency towards anxiety (who doesn’t in these times, but I guess it affects some people worse than others.) I, too, did the pill thing once upon a time, but I decided it was a bad idea and potentially addictive. So I quit it about 10 years ago with sheer willpower, and gradual reduction of dosage under the watchful eye of a physician. I really believe I would have become seriously addicted had I kept it up.

Nowadays, when I have to deal with anxiety and daily fears and worries, I go the troublesome route: I exercise, I practice positive thinking techniques (although I disagree with much of the self-help stuff, what else is there if you are determined to feel good without drugs?), I do breathing techniques, engage in distracting activities that take my mind off things, and, if all else fails, I remind myself that sometimes you just have to ride out a bad mood, or even a bad day; that no one is entitled to feeling giddy and euphorious all the time, and that “this, too, shall pass”. In other words, sometimes you just have to live with it, and lo and behold, it always does blow over.

Here is my problem: I feel resentful of this person (and others like her) who makes it so easy on herself. Feel a negative mood coming on, no matter how minor? Just pop a pill. I (and others like me) go to all this trouble to deal with daily stress, and somehow I feel it diminishes my efforts that some people just pop a pill to achieve the same (or, admittedly, even better) results. Is it petty of me to resent my friend for this?

I probably wouldn’t use the word petty. Your friend is an addict who prefers the easy way. You don’t. Some women choose natural childbirth, others like the drugs. She’s not getting healthy…she’s masking the symptoms of her illness. To each his own. Don’t let it bother you. You do what’s right to keep you right.

I think your feelings are similar to resentment at someone eating whatever they want while you are on a diet. Even though you know that what you are doing is better for you long-term, it’s still hard to be around someone who is doing exactly what you are trying hard to avoid. It’s very natural to feel the way you do – you’re not being petty, in my opinion. However, you may be better off not being friends with this person, if being with her makes you feel this way.

Sure she is! Except it keeps taking more and more pills (which is one reason she needs a backup supply). One day it will be one pill too many.

I don’t think that resenting her getting relief from pills is good for you, but it isn’t as bad as going on pills yourself. You’ve already discovered that pills are the wrong road to follow. Be glad for that and feel proud that you are doing the best thing for yourself.

I can certainly understand your feelings, but if you’re looking for a positive spin on the situation, don’t feel like your friend’s reliance on the pills diminishes your efforts. Just think of it as a different coping strategy, and concentrate on the benefits of your own coping strategies. (If we’re going with Giraffe’s analogy, well, who’s going to be stronger and have the best butt in the long run? The person who’s exercising and eating healthy foods, or the person who’s on the couch with a bag of Cheetos?) In fact, if you want, think of yourself as a baaaaad, kickass mutha because you’re doing something very brave and difficult.

Oh, my - you are doing the RIGHT thing!

My ex-BF took xanax for anxiety. During a very VERY stressful evening (I had just fired an employee who was NASTY), he gave me 1/2 of one to settle me down. In about 45 minutes, I felt sooooo good…that I swore I could never touch one again.

It’s sad that your friend is doing the pill to “maintain her sanity”. Her feel-better pills no doubt have lost much of their “bam!”, but now she’s stuck. Instead of feeling petty, try being smug (or better yet, feel sorry for her situation).

How do you get to “she needs more and more (addiction)” from “she has a backup supply”? I’m not trying to nitpick, but the two really aren’t the same.

I don’t know if you’re being petty, but concentrate on your progress, and success without drugs. Instead of being angry/resentful/petty because of her drug use, try to remember your past experience with it, and what it took for you to break the grip the drugs had on you. I

If you’re unconfortable being around her, put a little distance between the two of you. You won’t be able to make her stop using, and if you’re uncomfortable with her, you shouldn’t have to spend time with her.

I think the others have given you good advice.

While totally understand where you are coming from, (and your response is typical, I should think) it’s not productive. Her life and her (bad) habits have nothing to do with you. You’ve chosen the better path, she has not. She will (unfortunately) have to pay the price for her bad choices later on.

Perhaps your “pettiness” is also a veiled concern and frustration at watching her do this to herself?

There was a time in my life where I felt resentment towards a friend who was getting an “easy time of it” in a certain portion of her education, while I had to take all the hard knocks. I tried to warn the friend that her “easy time” would soon end; she couldn’t expect everything to fall on her lap forever. Everyone who learned this particular discipline didn’t have a seamless time of it. She didn’t listen to me, and I felt resentful.

But later, things did hit the fan for her, because the easy time was never destined to last forever. She took it very badly and made a big scene. She suffered needlessly. I felt sorry for her, but I also felt such frustration that she wouldn’t listen to me in the first place. But she saw how it was for me, she must have known on some level that she could not be forever exempt from the same bullshit that I had experienced (because we all experience bullshit. It’s called life).

I think it’s hard to see a friend make such stupid decisions, and you feel resentful and, well, concerned and frustrated. You know that down the line, your friend will have to come to terms with her dependence on the pills, and you dread that time.

How does someone else choosing an alternative treatment diminish your efforts? That’s like me bitching because my friend I both have sinus congestion and pain, but while I tough it out and use shiatsu and steam and hot drinks for relief, she just pops a TylenolSinus and gets better results. Being concerned about your friend’s health would be one thing, but wailing about how unfair it is for you is something else entirely.

Your friend may be doing the right thing in certain respects but then again, so are you.

As I understand it, vulnerability to depression, stress, etc., is largely related to the supply of naturally occuring chemicals in the brain, most notably serotonin. Your friend and you both presumably have low levels of serotonin. She responds by taking drugs that adjust the level to something a little more bearable, you respond through a regimen of exercise and mental discipline that has the same effect.

The major difference for you is that you are not dependent on external factors (the availability of antidepressants) to maintain your mental well-being. And I suspect that the discipline that is needed to keep up your mental and physical health regiment has other positive effects on your life than just keeping you from getting depressed.

But I cannot blame your friend for taking a drug to balance out a deficit in her levels of serotonin.

Taking a prescribed dose of a medication is one thing; having anxiety attacks over a ready supply of pills is something else. At my worst, I was taking any prescription pain medication I could get, along with tranquilizers, muscle relaxants and sleeping pills. I would often wake up in the dead of night, convinced that my pills were gone—I had to get out of bed and check them before I could get back to sleep. And that usually required another sleeping pill, since I was awake anyway. I had a jillion reasons for taking all those drugs and not a damn one of them was valid. It took a failed suicide attempt to get me into detox and rehab. Let’s hope your friend doesn’t sink that far.

I appreciate all your thoughtful comments.

I guess I shouldn’t begrudge people with “easy” solutions their little joy, because the effect of a pill is brief and fleeting. Drug-free coping strategies cannot be taken away from you. They are always ready at your disposal if you know how to use them effectively. Which I do. So, in the big picture, I guess I’m the one who’s better off. But nevertheless, I become slightly disgruntled when I, say, spend a half hour on the treadmill to rid myself of stress and create endorphines, while some (this person is not the only one I know who does this) sit on their ass and pop pills.

Also, there is the issue of potentially severe problems caused by withdrawal should your drug suddenly be unavailable. (I guess that’s why my friend hoards them; not because she keeps going up in dosage. How would you be able to hoard them then? Au contraire – you would run out faster.) Worrying about that can, in itself, be a cause of constant anxiety, and the vicious cycle continues. Not exactly an enviable position to be in no matter how you look at it, no?

But damnit, I’m human, and I can’t help but feel that those of us who make a true effort at something don’t get the proper recognition as long as there are people who choose the easy way. It’s true that what someone else does has nothing to do with me, but I can’t help comparing. Humans are competitive animals, and we can’t help but look to our peers to gauge how we’re doing in life. Suppressing this very human trait is unnatural and doesn’t work in the long run.

I tell myself that this pill-person is not exactly in an enviable position for obvious reason already stated. BTW, she is not an extremely close friend, just someone I know. So, in a way I don’t feel too guilty about harboring these negative feelings towards her. Her actions caught my attention, because once upon a time, that used to be me.

I personally can not believe what I am reading here.

How do any of you know that she is an addict?

How many pills a day/week does she take?

What is the pill and what is the dosage?

What is her problem?

Do any of you know? No you do not but yet you see fit to judge this woman.

Here is great one

From the OP

Sheer will power, to me, means more of a cold turkey approach not cutting back the dosage with the help of a doctor.

So what? She is being responsible for her treatment. How is this bad?

And then again from regurgit*

Are people walking up to this woman and saying ‘Good job on dealing with anxiety!’ and then ignoring you? What sort of ‘recognition’ do people on mood stablizing drugs get that you do not?

What Zebra said.

Speaking as someone who has been chemically depressed a good part of my life I can assure you that no amount of physical exercise will release enough endorphins to lift my mood.

Even now that I am on medication, where the normal baseline is 100, I feel like I’m only at 85-90%. If I went off my meds I would most likely start a gradual descent into a depression that would get so bad that I would either kill myself, or just end up as a shut in, (almost the same thing.)

And yes, people have come up and said that they have noticed a change in me since I started my meds and started seeing a counselor, how is that cheating you? I didn’t announce to the world that I was doing so.

So that we don’t misunderstand each other here, Zebra and Payton’s servant seem to be talking about anti-depressants, which is a totally different animal. My friend is taking prescription tranquilizers, Xanax or Valium or something, I forgot the brand, but they are basically all the same.

The point is, what she is taking is only for symptom control, something to calm the nerves for a little while, not something to actually change the brain chemistry long-term like Prozac, for example. She wasn’t diagnosed with anything more sinister than generalized anxiety. Doctors prescribe this stuff at the drop of a hat, especially to women. They do not even have to be mental health professionals. In my day, I got them from a gynocologist, because the anxiety I experienced back then was largely PMS related.

Don’t feel resentful.

Feel glad that you have had the wits to devise a far superior solution to altering your brain chemistry than with powerful drugs whose side effects are about as well know as the size of Jupiter’s core.

Your will power and determination will you serve far better long after yer pal’s secret stash runs out in some emergency.

Self-determination pays off handsomely. Dependency rarely does.

regurit8 – do you smoke? Do you take caffeine in any form? If so, you too are using mood-altering chemicals.