Am I killing my husbands dreams?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I am not sure how to describe this to you but that is a very serious attitude problem that will compromise your marriage. That is part of his personality and you should have just have stayed single, gotten fertilization treatments and gotten hired help if that is what you really want. I am sensitive to this issue and I think I understand where he is coming from. My ex-wife didn’t even want me posting anything whatsoever on the Dope for example because she always thought there was another floor be scrubbed or a window to be washed even though everything was always spotless including the kids.

That type of thing is a soul-destroyer. Please listen because it is more serious than you think.

22

My dreamer husband isn’t really a problem. I started this OP because I wanted opinions if I should keep in my irritation.

23

No, you shouldn’t keep your irritation. You should embrace his skills as a gift. Lots of people have spouses that never think beyond what is going to be on TV next and eat the same ten recipes for most of their lives. I doubt you want to be one of those people. Creativity turns up surprises every now and then and you might benefit from it. Even if you don’t, you don’t have to be practical every second to have a perfectly functioning life and it would be boring if you did. I always had to find very close female friends to discuss that type of thing with because I couldn’t with my own wife.

24

I absolutely HATE the fact that in this thread the word ‘practical’ is being applied to mean the opposite of ‘dreamer’ or as I would put it ‘entrepreneurial’. From where I stand ‘practical’ is the same as ‘playing it safe’ or ‘settling for what they give you’.

And, as the pop culture Northern Sun T-Shirt says ‘If you settle for what they give you you get what you deserve’.

I’m not saying, at all, that Maastricht has any responsibility to ooh and ahh. But the world is controlled by those people who conceive of ideas and execute them. The vast majority of people who get up, go to work, and have lives are necessary, certainly. But it’s the ones who have ideas, whether fitfully or not, that bring new businesses, art, inventions and such to the world.

justpassingthrough’s advice about providing directed encouragement is good if you think the problem is focus. “Good enough. How can you go about making it happen?” That, my friends, is FAR more of a reality check than a dismissive ‘You know you’ll never actually do it’. The latter is almost insulting. The former is a challenge, baby, a challenge!

And if that’s not what husbands and wives should do, challenge each other to be better and to grow, then what’s the point of living?

25

No kidding.

Not the SO, but I’ve had friends, coworkers, and relatives like that, that have a negative “it cant be done” sorta attitude. Very limited exposure is all I can take, and thats even without them shooting down MY ideas, just other folk’s ideas.

An SO that constantly did it? Oh frack!

Basically every time you do this, you are telling him he is either stupid or lazy. I doubt you would like constant reminders of the same, even if it was true.

26

I agree with this: what you are describing is scorn, on your part, for who your husband is. That’s something you have to work through and, unless you want to both be miserable forever, find a way to respect who he is.

It’s simply not true that dreaming is childlike, and it’s certainly not true that adults don’t “play”. Of COURSE they do. They should. Life is for enjoying, not suffering. If there’s no pleasure in your life–if you have to be “adult” all the time–then that’s something you need to fix.

I see two possible reasons you find his chit-chat about his dreams so annoying. The first is that his “play” is so overwhelming that you have no time left for pleasure: there are things that really have to be done that he is not doing, and you resent being asked to help him play when you don’t even have time to do whatever things you like to do because he is always dreaming. If that’s the case, you need to talk to him about it and find a way to make the labor division more equitable.

The second possibility, though, is that you are unhappy with your life in general and have made the assumption many people do that your unhappiness is “adult”, and inevitable and unfixable. If that’s your gut-level belief, then you’re likely to resent his fun even if it isn’t directly hurting you because you’ve reconciled your own unhappiness as “adulthood”, making his relative happiness “childlike”. If this is the case (and I’ve been here) any joy on his part is going to spark your resentment and annoyance because 1) it seems indulgent and 2) on some level you are jealous. The way to fix this isn’t to insist he be miserable, but to find some way to make your own life more enjoyable.

One other thought: people’s more annoying traits are often a direct consequence of their best traits. My husband is infinitely tolerant of my many, many quirks. He loves the best things about me and simply doesn’t notice all the other things that would drive many people crazy. It’s one of his best things. But the flip side to this is that he’s tolerant of everyone’s quirks, and has all kinds of friends I find annoying as hell. But I can’t have the first without the second, and I need the first so badly that I can tolerate the second. You might think about what other parts of your husband would have to change for him to stop being a dreamer, and see if that would cut away anything you like about him.

27

He’s actually about to go freelance in his current career, which will allow him to earn the same money working 3 - 4 days a week, leaving the other days for full-time writing. :slight_smile:

28

Um, he’s already told you he hates it when you throw cold water on his ideas. I think you’re lucky he’s still telling you about them. And, since you asked for opinions, I think if you want to keep your husband, you’ll lose the irritation, and love and accept him for who he is. Or he might find someone else to tell his dreams to.

Just sayin’.

29

You certainly aren’t required to Ooh and Aah over the one hundredth or one thousandth idea which will never become reality the way you did over the first idea he told you about when you thought this was a wonderful idea.

And if even just listening to these ideas is irritating to you, perhaps you should encourage him to find another resource to share these ideas with.

But “That’s nice but you’ll never put it into practice” is not killing the dreams (or he wouldn’t still be sharing them with you) nor a useful reality check–“ok, so what’s the next step?” is better along those lines.

To me, it sounds like your husband gets a certain amount of pleasure from just having dreams–even, or perhaps especially, if they never get beyond the idea stage.

I think you are justified in putting up boundaries around these dreams (or your time)–“that’s nice, dear. Can we talk about it more after you wash the dishes?” Or even in telling him that you just aren’t that interested in hearing about these dreams unless or until he gets one to the point of wanting to do something practical about it.

But I think your present tactic is frustrating both of you.

30

When he’s raising these ideas, is he presenting it as, ‘Hey, here’s an idea, wouldn’t it be cool if…’ or is he saying, ‘I’ve had this great idea. I’m going to do…’?

31

As others have said, making insulting comments about his dreams isn’t remotely practical. Its only practical effect–its only effect in the real world–is to make him sad. So unless that’s your goal, you’re not being practical.

Why not regard his dreaming as a hobby of his? Some people like to play computer games, some people like to walk in the woods, some people like to birdwatch, some people like to knit, some people like to dream. I assume that his creativity is part of the reason you love him; am I right? This is what he likes to do. You don’t need to dream alongside him if it’s not your hobby, any more than you need to go birdwatching with him or whatever; but you also don’t need to be a stinker about it.

If he told you, “Today I saw the most beautiful crested falcon!” you wouldn’t say, “Whatever, scientists already knew they lived around here,” would you? You wouldn’t disparage another hobby he had, would you? Then why disparage his dreaming?

Again: unless your goal is to make him unhappy and to ruin his good time, you’re not being practical.

Manda Jo, as always, gives excellent advice.

32

On the flipside of this, if he’s constantly bothering you with this stuff, he needs to knock it off.

You shouldn’t immediately dismiss his dreams, but if he knows you don’t like hearing about it (because you’ve told him, presumably), but persists, that’s not fair either.

I have tons of ideas about work all the time, but I don’t talk with my husband about them, because he doesn’t know anything about the field and it would just bore and annoy him. Likewise, he doesn’t discuss football with me, because he knows I don’t like it.

We have a lot in common, so we talk about those things, because it’s rude and inconsiderate to inflict a bunch of boring babbling on someone who’s obviously not into it.

It sounds like your husband needs friends with common interests. Or an internet message board. Or something.

33

a person having a ‘to do’ list is good. they should re-prioritize it regularly based on importance and feasibility. some things may have to wait until your second century of life if it gets long.

34

I’m a big dreamer too. I like that my wife, while supportive, keeps the reality field compensator running.

Most times I just need a sounding board. And I’ll bet your husband does too. He’s shotgunning out ideas, to see if any of them have any real force behind them. It sounds like you’re not so much cramping his style, as you are helping him discern whether or not he feels he can drum up the required amount of dedication, right off the bat. That’s good.

If he’s serious about a dream, or an idea, he’ll keep bringing it up. At that point, then maybe turn down the reality compensator, and start asking yourself is there any way you can help him achieve something. Sometimes dreamers need a kick in the pants, too.

As I tell some of my dreamer friends: “Less talky; more doey.”

35

Don’t harsh the squee.

36

Well, every time I tell my husband I’ve finally figured out what I want to do with my life, for sure, he just sighs and says, ‘‘That’s nice, dear.’’

It annoys me when he’s dismissive of my process. I am a dreamer, a person of introspection and epiphany and creating meaning. I am trying to figure out where I fit in my own life narrative. I can’t work it out without a sounding board. I have to try on new roles, even if just for a conversation, to see what they might be like.

This isn’t ‘‘playing,’’ it’s who I am. The creative impulse is a fundamental part of my identity.

He, like you, finds it a little tedious sometimes. He has always known with 100% certainty what he wants to do with his life, to the point that he doesn’t even view his career path as a choice. I have been questioning all my life. Yesterday I spent the day bitching about how much harder grad school is than I anticipated it would be, and then promptly informed him of my decision to apply for a Ph.D. program this summer. He was decidedly ‘‘WTF’’ about my thought process and since we’ve had, oh, eleventy billion conversations similar to this one already, I can understand how it might get exhausting.

That said, it’s who I am. It’s not going to change. It is the way I function.

He’s found a way to be supportive by helping me analyze the pros and cons of my ideas without endorsing them in such a way that I would feel bad if I changed my mind. He helps me figure out the logistics and identify the realities, he prods me to reveal my motivation and reasoning, in essence he is that sounding board I need. He does that in conjunction with the sigh and the ‘‘that’s nice, dear,’’ to dampen the blow. (I did change my mind, by the way, approximately one hour after our initial conversation. I’m nothing if not predictable.)

I am in agreement with the general perception that you are compartmentalizing his behavior as something frivolous he does rather than a fundamental part of his personality and how he navigates his life. Maybe he will act on his dreams someday, maybe he won’t, but sometimes it’s not the outcome, but the dream itself, that has value.

37

Whenever I’ve had a dream that I really intended to implement, I haven’t told my parents about it. Why? Because their reactions to any sentence that started with “I want” was “wanting is not any kind of reasoning” (1) and if the line started with something meaning “I will,” they’d snort and respond “no, you never will.”

It didn’t kill my plans, but it sure killed communication and got them blindsided about things which parents willing to listen would have known about months or years in advance.

I don’t think you have to be all chirpy about your husband’s ideas, and if it’s a bad time it’s a bad time (can I get a dollar for every time I’ve had to tell my mother not to talk to me while I’m parking the car, please?), but I’d read Manda JO’s post carefully and figure out what and when is exactly bugging you. And remember that being open to your husband’s interests isn’t the same as being his chorus line; he should appreciate the first but the second would twist your guts into painful knots and not do him any good.

38

Doh, forgot the (1). In Spanish “to want” and “to love” are the same word, so I think it sounds extra bad to say that it’s not reason enough for anything…

39

Play is extremely important for children, and also for adults. Dreaming is also extremely important - if your husband is well aware of his day-to-day responsibilities, and is taking care of them, what is the harm in him having one dream after the next? Some of us are just built that way - I have serial hobbies. I do one hobby all the time for six months, then I move on to the next thing. I like learning new things and developing new skills. I would feel very unsupported if my husband criticized something that is part of my basic nature - moving on to new things and learning new things. I use this part of my nature to be a temp - while most people want a settled job, I want to move on to the NEXT job.

I don’t think your husband needs a reality check - he’ll follow up on an idea, or he won’t. He doesn’t need to be reminded of everything he hasn’t followed through on - he already knows. My husband and I have a shared dream of building a compound away from everything - we both know it will probably never happen, but we’ve spent many happy hours talking about it regardless.

40

I think previous posters (especially Manda Jo) have given you some good things to think about.

I have a husband with a million ideas and a boatload of enthusiasm. I doubt he’ll follow through on any of them, but what do I care? He’s utterly reliable with respect to his responsibilities to me and our kids. I listen to his ideas with whatever degree of enthusiasm I feel at the time, same as I would listen to him talking about his day. If I’m getting bored of the conversation I’ll do what I’d do if I were getting bored of any conversation, change the subject, excuse myself to do something else…

I was actually shocked when I got to the part of your response where you say “but you and I both know you aren’t going to follow up on it.” I just can’t imagine saying that to anybody. I can’t hear the tone of voice you’re saying it in, but even the nicest possible way I can imagine saying it contains dismissiveness and contempt.