I have a 7 year old - he does a better job of remembering things than we do! I will say that if it is something required (water bottle, permission slip, etc.) we will do a quick “do you have your X” as he heads to the door.
My 15 year old packs his own bags for camping trips (and has done since since he was 11). If he forgets, too bad. So the upper boundary is certainly 10 or so.
The other mom is nuts, not you.
My son is four, and I usually have him pack his bag, but I check when he’s done. I don’t think six is unreasonable to expect them to be responsible for their bag, though I agree with the checklist and possibly a quick check to make sure they have everything.
I hate that so many parents do such simple stuff for their kids. Half the people I know have kids who don’t even dress themselves (I’m talking putting on underwear, pants and shirt themselves) because the parents insist on doing it for them.
My 5 year old gets out all her items for camping and lays them out on the bed. I make a visual inspection, remind her of any important things she’s forgotten, and then she packs her own bag. Important things are sunscreen, bug spray, her nebulizer, albuterol, a flashlight, a sweater and her rain boots. A swimsuit is not on the “important” list, it’s on the “teachable moment” list. She’s never forgotten it (she’s been responsible for her own bag since she was 4), but if she did, that would be a better teacher than me reminding her or nagging her.
I figure if 5 year olds used to be responsible for watching the baby while mom was plowing the field, she can remember her own dang swimsuit. So far, so good.
But I’m a mean mom.
Just to clarify, I don’t think other mom is nuts for packing her kid’s bag - I in fact usually pack my own 6-year-old daughter’s bag. But she is nuts for thinking that forgetting his bathing suit is proof that your whole parenting method is a failure and that you will scrap it immediately.
You are a good Mom, Palo. The important thing that LP will learn is that when something like this happens his reaction will be ‘oh, I screwed up’ which is healthy, not the ‘somebody else let me down’ attitude which is not healthy.
The role of a good parent is to gradually become completely obsolete to your children.
It’s called teaching, and doing things for them just delays their development. If a parent keeps up the doing-instead-of-teaching behavior up into late teens or early adulthood, that young adult may never fully recover.
Sounds fine to me. It was just a swimsuit, not anything truly critical, and he’ll learn from the experience. I think I’d be mildly horrified if it had been something like sunscreen he’d forgotten, though.
My parents were generally willing to deliver forgotten items to school as long as they hadn’t gone to work yet. After that, SOL. It didn’t happen very often, as I was generally a responsible student, but I do remember being paged to the office as late as 10th grade to pick up an assignment or lunch bag.
I know, we’ve been reading Laura Ingalls-Wilder’s books, and I still sweat a little when I read about Mary and Laura (both under 8yo) watching baby Carrie with a newly-dug well right nearby with no elevated structure, just a big deep hole in the ground!
Anyway, my daughter’s turning 7 tomorrow, and in the past year, I’ve really put a lot more responsibility on her. She dresses herself (with fashion assistance if needed), clears her place, cleans up all the toys each day, and packs her own lunch (because I got tired of the criticism of what I packed). Over the past couple days I’ve said to her, “Go refill the baby’s sippy cup,” and "Get some PJs for your sister out of the dryer. It’s foreign to me, having been quite coddled growing up. But it’s important, and I think it helps build real self esteem, as opposed to lavishing praise on them for every tiny thing and making sure everyone gets a trophy at sporting events.
Someone needs to ask The Other Mom at what magical age will her own child suddenly be old enough, or able enough, to remember his/her own needs? And how she is planning to achieve this.
My own son went to a week long camp with only the pair of underwear he was wearing when he left. The other 7 pair were left on his bed at home, where presumably they wouldn’t get lost. I asked him how he coped? By wearing his ‘dirty’ underwear under his bathing suit each day at swimming time, he said. He was 8 or 9.
I was a youth group leader for 30+ years. Trust me, kids forget or lose anything their hands touch, if given the opportunity … teach 'em young and Mom, cut out the obsessing. Kid will grow up whether the parental authorities moan or don’t moan.
[By the way, nothing is as much fun as reminding your own kids, now parents themselves, about their own ‘learning experiences’. IME your children just tell you, “Shut up, Mom.” 
].
an seanchai
Nothing wrong at all, maybe consider reminding him once or twice, but I think its a great way to teach personal responsiblity.
In this situation, I would model your behavior. And Other Mom seems a little nuts for being absolutely horrified that poor LP didn’t get the option of going the pool (among many other fun activities? Seriously, no big deal, and a great lesson in being organized).
I think the best thing you can do for a child is teach them to be responsible for themselves.
I like ‘natural consequences’ but it depends on the situation and the kid, and their age, I’ve seen some parents use them too harshly IMO. Not so in this case.
I would say the other mom is nuts, but then again, my daughter is ADHD and I have to remind her to wear underwear and shoes everyday at 9 so I say it depends on the child. Kids need to get the chance to be responsible for themselves, but they need reminders as to what’s expected also.
If you feel your child was ready for the resposibility of remembering his own clothes, then it’s a good lesson.
Wait, you own sweaters in LA? And wasn’t it in the 70s?
per the OP, You are right and she is expecting far too little from her little angel.
My daughter asked me a similar question about something a little more serious.
She was in a relationship in AZ with a guy who turned out to be a controlling somewhat abusive jackass. When they split he was very bitter and seemed to enjoy screwing with her , making unreasonable demands, withholding his share of childcare etc. At first she wanted to stay in AZ so that their daughter could have a relationship with Dad, but due to his making her life emotionally difficult and financially untenable in AZ she had to move back to Maine to get some help from her family. Her Ex has never paid child support and occasionally sent a little money here and there. He hasn’t kept in contact with his daughter, who has noticed, and forgets to send her birthday and Xmas cards and gifts. He called occasionally to talk to her but eventually she just felt bad and didn’t really want to talk to him, because his actions made it obvious to even a child that Daddy really didn’t care.
Years pass and a year or so after his last phone call he calls and wants to talk to his daughter , who informs Mom that she doesn’t want to talk to him. My daughter doesn’t make her and tells him it’s no go and she’s not going to force her.
Evidently he now has a significant other with a child of her own and has recently been in touch with his other child that he lost touch with and has decided it’s time to be Dad. FTR his daughter, my granddaughter is 7.
So he calls every few days and gets the same response. His daughter doesn’t really want to talk to him. He starts to get pissy about it. He tells my daughter it’s her fault because she took his daughter so far away. He calls on father’s day and thinks the day itself means he deserves some special consideration. My daughter again tells him that she’s not going to force their daughter to talk to him and he says that she shouldn’t let that decision be made by someone who’s 8. {She’s 7 you jerk} He claims it’s wrong for my daughter to leave something like that up to a little girl. That’s when my daughter writes to me to ask if I think she’s in the wrong.
My attitude is that after all this time of him not being a father at all, it’s totally bullshit for him to think a few phone calls will make up for the last 6 years. It’s his own dam fault his daughter doesn’t believe he cares and doesn’t want to talk to him. If he truly wants a relationship with her then he needs to be consistent and very patient. My daughter is willing to cooperate and help facilitate a relationship between them if her daughter expresses an interest in having one. He can write letters and send simple little gifts. If he’s willing to actually try and make up for the last few years fine. If not then he can stuff his opinion about what my daughter ought to do. Whew! That was a decent venting.
Don’t want to hijack, just thought it related to how much responsibility a child gets. If it’s too much I can start another thread.
My son at six, yep. My daughter at six (only a year behind him), nope.
He remembered 49 times out of 50, and if he forgot, took the consequences. He’d have sat by the side of the pool and waited patiently.
She forgot as often as she didn’t, and made life difficult for others - that isn’t fair to the camp counselors or other kids.
She is now ten and no problem…she does her own packing for camp (sleep away camp for a week), any overnights, vacations.
Responding without having read anyone else’s posts.
You, I agree with. I remind both my kids to make sure they have all their stuff, but the responsibility is theirs. Eventually, they will develop a sense of organization and a sense of responsibility all their own.
It’s also a challenge to get them to keep track of their stuff during the day, eg. from school to after school club, from after school club to home. They are the ones with the wide range of interests that they are pursuing, they have to figure out how to keep it all sorted.
The other mother, in my opinion, is not helping her kids get their own shit together.
I think the best advertisement for your parenting strategy is that your kid himself says that HE forgot his swimsuit, and clearly feels it totally normal that he would be considered responsible for it.
My 6 year old is responsible for her bag packing too, and while we certainly try to give reminders, especially for less usual things, ultimately it’s down to her. I have enough trouble remembering all my OWN shit, let alone all the different things that three different kids are getting into. The four-year-old mostly packs her own bags too, though we’d be a bit more proactive there in directing her to the stuff that has to be put in.
Yet another vote for No, you’re not nuts to give your kid responsibility. You’re teaching him to move his own rock.
That was an excellent essay, Thudlow. It puts into words something I’ve been seeing and feeling about “kids these days” and how they are being raised - that parents are going for easy now and their kids will pay with hard later.
At 6, Middlebro couldn’t read well enough that a written checklist would have been any help (dyslexia); it would have been just another source of frustration. Maybe the children of those people proposing one all read well, of course.
Another one for “please do not go ‘whuppa whuppa whuppa’ when encountering these people.”
I have two pretty bright kids and a written checklist at six would have been too much. They don’t read that well at six. Well, unless they are future Dopers in which case they read War and Peace at four.