And her expectations seem to be different than your expectations. It doesn’t matter what we think, or what is “normal”–you aren’t dating us, or a standard, “normal” person. You are dating an individual with individual quirks. It seems that one of those is that she thinks people would rather make mistakes than be corrected. Talk to her about it–she should try to tailor her behavior to what you want, not what she would want if she were you–but you need to return the favor if it does bug her to be corrected–even if it wouldn’t bug you.
But there is no right or wrong here, or even “normal” and “weird” and you need to stop thinking that way.
Go ahead and ask her, though. Some people are very sensitive to adverse emotions–she may always assume that if you are upset, you are upset with her, not the situation or yourself. It’s worth finding out. Again, it’s the sort of thing that can be fixed with a few long boring talks about your relationship.
I think you’re being unreasonable- you need to pay more attention and not expect her to watch everything you’re doing. She’s probably in her own little world as you go about your business and notices things too late to say anything at the moment.
When you said “Why didn’t you say anything? You knew it was free” and she reminded you that you, too, knew it was free, I think that’s her way of saying “Don’t blame me for your mistakes- I’ve got my own stuff going on in my brain- pay attention.”
Another scatterbrain here. Honestly, if he’s driving, I’m not watching the route. I’m chatting with him or daydreaming, but rarely do I notice where we’re going. That’s the driver’s job.
The second one - I probably would have said something. Actually cross that out. I would have said something, if only because it’s money. But I still don’t think it’s too big a deal. .
Sorry, but I can’t buy it. You were the one who pulled the bone-head moves. (Hey, it happens, welcome to humanity.) You had two choices as to how to deal with these situations (and you still do): Laugh them off, and be worthy of her admiration. Or you could brood and obsess about them and show her a fairly serious personality flaw. Worse, you can’t seem let it go without assigning her blame even this long after the incidents happened and are actively seeking consensus here on how ‘wrong’ she was. :smack:
[DearAbbey] My only advice is, if you can’t let this go, then you should let her go. She deserves better than a relationship with all the warning signs of becoming abusive. [/DearAbbey]
(and if this whole OP is a ‘whoosh’, then you got me)
It sounds like a lot of nitpicking to me. I’m guessing that if you guys are generally pretty happy and she doesn’t have any reason to be passive-agressive or something like that, she was probably thinking, “He must have something he needs to do before we start running our errands today.” or, “He must want to pick up a subway ticket today so he doesn’t have to do it tomorrow.” And then when you asked why she didn’t say anything, “I thought you already knew” would make perfect sense because she did think you already knew and assumed you weren’t having a brain fart but instead making a choice to be proactive about something else.
If you want to tell her you are not in the least bit proactive and you would appreciate a little heads up every now and again I bet she would be more likely to warn you about things like this in the future.
My guess would be that you’re about to move and have a lot of stuff to do and so are stressed and scatterbrained. Thus you made these two errors.
She, is in the exact same position. You brain-fart. She brain-farts. Overall, the issue isn’t a lack of communication between you two, or her not caring–just that both of you aren’t in peak form right now.
You’re the one who made the mistake. It seems pretty telling to me that your first reaction isn’t, “Geez! I’m an idiot! Sorry I went the wrong way, hon!” but instead, “You nitwit, why didn’t you tell me I was going the wrong way?”
Reading some of these responses, I feel like: 1) gee, have social relationships degenerated so much in the modern world that we’d rather stand by and laugh at people’s fuck-ups and call them well-deserved than try to extend ourselves to any degree to prevent them?, and 2) Wow. My view of what relationships should be is extremely out of tune with mainstream thought on the subject.
I’m not denying that I’m the one who fucked up. But this girl is not my arch-enemy; she’s my best friend. And shouldn’t a friend speak up when they see something wrong? We all mess up at times. Friends are the ones who should be there to prevent fuck-ups when they see them. Of course, we can’t EXPECT anything of anyone, but I know of approximately 6 billion people who wouldn’t be there if I fucked up. Isn’t this what separates a friend from a stranger? If she was about to make a mistake, even if it’s as minor as unnecessarily paying $2 for a subway ticket, I would try to prevent it. That’s what a friend would do, IMHO.
A lot of people here seem to be operating on the idea that a relationship should be a battle of supremacy or a constant struggle of who’s right. That’s not my view of it at all. A relationship like this is about being there for each other, and helping each other out when the situation warrants it. If that means “being someone’s mommy,” then what the fuck. I might as well move to a cave by myself.
Yes, these are trivial incidents, and I’m bothered by them not because of the time and money lost in these incidents themselves, as they are negligible, but because they represent something bigger. It’s unsettling that someone who I love deeply can stand idly by as I screw myself. :smack:
But what can I say? Apparently, it’s me against the world, and I’m the last one to accept it.
Have you considered that she merely enjoys watching you goof up from time to time? Perhaps it is a source of amusement for her
I’ve let friends and SO’s do really dumb things for a laugh from time to time, like not warn them that they are about to walk right into that overhanging tree branch chuckle
Because they are so very trivial, you’re likely overreacting. Without knowing either one of you, I won’t project personalities to fit any other hypothesis.
She could have spoken up, but you are overreacting, I think. Based on this, I’m guessing you might overreact at being corrected. I could be wrong, but you owe it to yourself to reflect on this.
I recently “allowed” my husband to drive right up to a toll booth with a red light on the Mass Pike. He got yelled at and everything. But I don’t think he got mad that I didn’t prevent him from doing it. And frankly, I did notice he was doing it, but I totally figured he must know something I didn’t.
I may be totally wrong in this, but my first thought was that she was sitting there, silently relishing the thought of you looking/feeling stupid. Sounds like a petty way to score points. In other words, like the “old parent couple” from every sitcom of the past decade: Everybody Loves Raymond, Seinfeld, That 70s Show, etc.
Are you sure you two aren’t a married couple in your 60s?
No, it’s what you would do. It’s what I would do. But people are different. YAOu seem to be intrepreting this to mean she didn’t care if you fucked up, or took pleasure in it. We’ve just suggested alternate interpretaions–she was sparing your pride, she had faith you knew what you were doing and had a grand plan, she wasn’t really paying attention and then felt attacked when you asked her why she didn’t stop you. You have three choices–assume she’s a bitch (your view), give her the benefit of the doubt, since you must have evidence overall that she’s a good person (our view), or actually talk to her about it, with the assumption that she was trying to do the right thing. I would do the last.
Again, how can you be with someone and not give them the benefit of the doubt? That’s the absolutely most negative possible spin on what she did. It’s like assuming someone cooked you a dinner and included an ingredient you didn’t like because they wanted to screw you over and enjoy seeing you upset and hungry.
Look, some people hate to be corrected, especially by their lover. They reserve corrections for big things that really matter because they, themselves, hate to be made to feel like a goober. You don’t have to understand this mindset. But it is real, and not uncommon. Give her the benefit of the doubt, assume she was treating you in a way she considered respectfula nd with that assumption in mind, talk to her. Make it clear that you would rather be corrected than make a mistake. But also, stop correcting her when she does small stupid things, Clearly she hates it.
Well, you did ask for people’s opinions. And, to be honest, I’m less likely to question the motives of someone I love and respect. If I see someone I consider an intelligent person doing something I think is stupid, my first response is going to be, “Hrm, do they know something I don’t?” Like your girlfriend, I’d probably just wait to see what you were doing. Not out of malice or ill will, but because some of us were taught that it’s poor form to tell someone they are screwing things up when, in fact, they may very well know what they are doing. Unfortunately, you didn’t. No harm, no foul. Now, if she saw you about to walk off a cliff and didn’t say anything I’d wager that’s another issue altogether.
Seek help. Soon.
It’s okay for you to screw up, but it’s not okay for her not to notice? Do you share the same brain? because she’s probably got a few things on her mind too. Now if she watched you walk off a bridge and didn’t say anything, or stood idly by while you banged heroin, you might have an issue. But to expect her to be aware, and point out every minor mistake you make, is not only unrealistic, it’s borderline abusive.
Oh, and I’m on your side of the gender line by the way.
Everyone made great points here but it’s like you didn’t even hear them! You are determined to keep your own viewpoint on it…you’ve already come to a conclusion, so why are you posting here? I only have one more thing to say:
Seriously. If this is how you respond to criticism you ASKED for, I can’t imagine how it must be to offer you unsolicited advice. It’s not you against the world, but it’s also not her job to babysit you and point out mistakes you make. I’m sure if she realized what you were doing she would have, but obviously she didn’t- give her a break and stop looking for offense where there is none intended.
Having someone’s back doesn’t mean preventing them from making mistakes (although that may happen sometimes). It’s about being there emotionally for the other person, supporting their decisions, and standing behind them in good and bad times. It’s not about making mountains out of molehills or finding fault where there is none.
I’ll throw my lot in with Anaamika as I see two ways.
The driver decides the route, generally. whether they notice the driver taking the long way around or not, most people I know would keep their trap shut.
Either she thought it was funny, or she didn’t want to be a harpy. If it’s the latter, you need to let her know that you will accept an occational point-at-the-sign type reminder without blowing a gasket.
