I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, but it doesn’t sound like he’s putting any effort into changing the behavior. Since I consider that effort to change an absolute necessity for an apology, I don’t think he should be apologizing.
My wife has a bit of a temper (sometimes justified, sometimes not). It took me a (painful) while to learn that apologizing and asking for forgiveness escalated conflict for her instead of de-escalating it (since I generally work the other way around).
So to answer the original question, yes, there are people that react poorly to begging for forgiveness, and it’s probably not worth escalating the fight by doing so.
It’s a matter of control. She maintains control over him as long as he believes he should have to apologize AND that she has to accept it. This is a incorrect dynamic that places one’s position in the relationship at the mercy of the other.
My take on it is it’s only own own responsibility to say I’m sorry, but it’s the others to accept it. If they don’t it is their issue, not mine. I was not always at that point however and got caught like this guy, even to the point of asking forgiveness for things that i didn’t do, and placing myself in such a mess.
See, but if you’re not really sorry, have no intention of changing your offending behaviour, figure you can act like a douche and its ‘the other [person’s responsibility] to accept it’ when you offer up a lame non-apology then you ARE the problem.
Now, if the other person continues to put up with non-apology crap, that’s on them. And if you make a one-of mistake, and apologize profusly and sincerely, and the other person chooses not to accept, that’s on them as well, but acting like a passive-agressive dick (like the dude in the OP) and expecting wifey to not get pissed is obnoxious. (I’m not suggesting that you do this - only the dude in the OP).
Living with someone you can’t count on would be a gigantic drain. “I’m sorry, I forgot,” is fine for occasional stuff, but why even bother being with someone if they can’t generally be relied upon to do what they say they will?
The really frustrating thing is that the person relying on the other is in a trap. If they never rely on their partner for anything, they end up taking care of all of the mutual household stuff, which is ridiculous. If they ask the partner to do something, wait a while, then remind them consistently, they’re “nagging.” And, if they rely on their partner for important things that don’t get done, the rent doesn’t get paid, or groceries bought, or doctor’s appointments made- whatever it is. They “can’t” do it because they asked their partner, and if their partner won’t, it’s a constant source of stress.
A partner who says they’ll do stuff that needs to be done, then doesn’t follow through is worse than useless, and I see no reason anyone should forgive their behavior if it’s more than an occasional thing. An apology in that case would make me more angry. I don’t know why she puts up with it.
This is a possibility, but the OP seems to be about talking about the other way, not accepting the apology. At least as I took the OP.
If one person in a relationship is always wrong, and needs to apologize then there is a problem with the relationship, which is derived from the combining of 2 flawed people (as there is no one who is not flawed). If he feels lie he must continue to to ask for forgiveness as there is nothing else that he can do, this indicated he feels trapped. A indication of a negative aspect of a codependent relationship.
What is also interesting is that the wife won’t accept it, but by not accepting it gets angrier, so in this she is producing the very situation to escalate her anger.
This dynamic is very destructive, and stops communication (which is what the wife indicates) which is further destructive. By not allowing communication she prevents the guy from expressing what is inside him, which is also harmful.
What the OP does not go into is why the wife can not forgive, that is the issue I feel need to be understood more, because, though the whole thing may be initiated by him, this blockage of unforgivness seems to indicate deeper issues that were brought into the marriage.
There are ways around forgetfulness; it doesn’t sound like this guy is interested in trying any, because he believes that forgetting is just a part of life, and his wife should understand that.
I’m at an age where forgetfulness is becoming a way of life; I have not just accepted that it is this way, and everyone in my life should just be more understanding. I use computer programs, sticky notes, calendars, asking people to send me emails, asking people to help remind me, everything I can think of. Just saying, “Oh, well, I forgot and you have to forgive me,” isn’t good enough.
Well, yah, and in answer to to his question 'Should this guy be asking for forgiveness?" my answer is 'Hell no, he should quit acting like such a stupid prick and write shit down once and a while."
I think the reason she can’t forgive is that she’s never been sincerely asked to. He blows shit off, she gets pissed, and he figures 'Sorry, duh.'s is a get out of jail free card. Unless he quits saying he’s going to do stuff and then blowing it off, his apology is worth nothing. Less than nothing because he’s actually throwing it in her face. ‘I keep fucking up, but you have to forgive meeeeee.’
Ugh, when I hear about stuff like this I wonder how on earth these people find each other.
It’s a possibility.
But either way there is a destructive pattern in this relationship which ends with, from how I read it, the ball in her court. I say this because the OP has the wife break off communications. To me that is the starting point of looking to uncover the underlying issues, to ‘peal back the layers of the onion’ one at a time.
Now it is possible that though the guy says he wants to talk about it, there is no real communication on his part, but we simply don’t have enough information to go on and the OP is written to me as she is the one who breaks it off. But it can certainly go the other way as well.
I am employed. At work, I have very linear timelines that I design myself and which have an internal logic. I do not have people that call me up at random times and ask me to do totally unrelated things just because they themselves forgot / did not plan for it. I get to design my own research. I also have staff.
I was actually fired at the one job I had where I had to keep track of stuff like that (random customer requests) and work a till. It was a disaster.
He wanted me to be a secretary and cashier. I told him, “I keep saying I’m bad with money. I was fired from a job like this for being a little over and under every day. I just suck. Please don’t make me manage your cash!”
He thought I was lazy and wanted me to do it.
So is living with someone who keeps asking you to do random crap they can’t be bothered to do themselves.
I personally do not see how people can live with someone that can’t take care of themselves. It’s ALL I can do to manage for me and the kids.
I mean, what did she want him to do? Was it something she could have done herself, but thought he “should” do, because whatever? Was it a big deal or was it just buying eggs? I mean really. To me, forgetting eggs is like… sorry is enough.
Some people just expect perfect secretaries and cashiers for spouses. If that’s what you want, you need to have job interviews for that. Unfortunately dating is a terribly inappropriate vetting process in that respect.
In that way this thread has reminded me of yet another thing my ex hated about me. Note to self: when you date, ensure that the other person is not seeking a spouse-cum-secretary.
It sounds like neither party’s behavior is real great, but after twenty years they’ve developed a routine that lets both of them walk away feeling like they’re the aggrieved party. It sets my teeth on edge just to read about it.
The ‘I’m saying I’m sorry, so you have to forgive me’ routine really, really grates on me. But so do people who stonewall and offer no way out of it - if she is too upset to have a constructive conversation about it, she needs to go cool down for a bit, not stay in the room and keep sniping with him. It sounds like they stopped trying to find an actually useful resolution to their disagreements long ago. Aaargh.
I feel your pain. However, I have to say that the wife has her work cut out for her. I’ve seen her try to explain what she wants from her husband, but she’s often met with more weaseling behavior. She’ll tell him that the problem is a history of broken lies, and he’ll ignore that and focus on the one lie he recently broke. Over and over again he’ll ask her why she can’t ignore one promise, that she never forgives him, and that she’s being petty and vindictive.
She doesn’t have the communication skills, foundation of psychological knowledge, and the patients necessary to deal with this shit.
Hang on. She’s been married to this guy for 20 years. How is that not being patient? (Unless he’s changed for the worse recently.)
Aargh. Yeah, that’s different. Sadly, I understand why some people put up with this kind of shit and stay married. It sucks.
Is he LYING or did he forget something? Did he promise never to do something, then go out and do it, or did he say he could pick up the dry-cleaning and forget?
This makes a huge difference!
For this argument, he forgot to read a self-help book that he promised his wife he would read everyday to help improve their relationship. I believe this promise was made during their last fight. It was held for one day, and broken the next.
Hello Again, check your PMs. I sent you one.
He broke a promise to read a self-help book? I’m officially on his side now.
He promised to read a self-help book. Now I’m on nobody’s side.
He promised to read a self-help book to help their relationship - the irony, it burns. My opinion is that his wife is fed up to the teeth, and he is walking on very thin ice with her - this latest disappointment is not going to be easily overlooked.
Yeah, team nobody.
I can’t see getting that upset about a self-help book. If it’s that big of a deal they should go to couples counseling. Not ONE of them reading a book. What is she reading to improve herself, or does she think it’s all his fault?