Oh, I read the title all wrong. Must have been the preceding thread, because I read “to service” as an infinitive
Well, how would you read
“At what age did you start masturbating”
“Am I rude to service employees”?
There isn’t much to it really. Just say whatever you need to say cheerfully with a smile and you can get away with just about anything. I was short changed recently and said to the guy, “Is business really that bad,” while holding out the incorrect change. He looked at it, realized his error and laughed. He could tell that I didn’t think it was any big deal.
I’ll also go with delivery as a major possible culprit. My grandmother was SO cringyworthy with her delivery even when she wasnt on her high horse. And god help the wait staff if even the most minor thing was remotely wrong. It was so bad I finally quit going out to eat with her except on the rarest of occasions. Funny thing is, she was a down to earth and easy going woman, very salt of the earth. But something about going out to eat really brought out her inner bitch with a vengence.
Anothe thing possibly rude. Are the OP’s expectation of service levels consistent with “level” of the resteraunt and staffing levels ?
If the boss has it set up where one waiter/waitress is serving a large number of tables, you can’t expect them to do much more than take you order and deliver it. You may think that sucks and it may, but thats something you need to take up with management rather than hounding the wait staff to do things they don’t have time to.
Wait a minute. Whats up with this “extra rice” thing ?
You want another order of rice that you are willing to pay for ? Maybe you shoulda ordered it when you ordered the meal.
You want more free rice ? Hmmmm…
You don’t think the meal came with enough rice ? Take it up with the manager.
Maybe the extra rice thing was just a poor example you happened to use, but IMO its hard to put a positive spin on “extra rice” from a customer behavior standpoint.
Come to think of it, this (it sounds like) was another one of my grandmothers bad eating out behaviors. Nothing was EVER perfect. There was always SOME thing, no matter how minor, to bother the waitstaff about. Probably doesnt bother the waitstaff unless you eat out at the same place all the time, but its certainly a type of behavior your favorite eating out buddy (or grandson) would pick up on.
This one’s easy.
Your friend is wrong. They ARE there to serve you.
There is a whole developed etiquette regarding how to deal with people who are in a position of service to you. It’s not about what you say, but how you say it. If as your friend concedes you are not particularly rude, then you are in the right. They ARE your servants, and there is nothing wrong with treating them that way, just as you ARE the servant of your clients in whatever capacity you end up working.
I blame the west coast for your friend’s limp-wristed emotional validation above and beyond all other considerations silliness.
Yea, when I read that, I was thinking of this myself. I took voice lessons for a short period of time and it made a huge difference in my ability to regulate my tone with people.
billfish You’re being silly. I generally order extra rice if I want it, and if they charge me for it I pay for it, if they don’t, I don’t. Things like that might determine whether or not I come back to that restaurant, but I will definitely pay for what I order. But I AM going to order what I want when I want, and it’s the waitstaff’s job to bring it to me. snicker You’d never get service like this in New York. ;p
Check with other people you’ve gone out with in the past and ask how you come across in those situations. If they think you are fine it probably isn’t a real problem and you shouldn’t worry about it.
My husband didn’t take voice lessons, but he figured out that his normal voice is … maybe aggressive and patronizing sounding. He is kind of a largish guy which didn’t help. I’ve had the opportunity to watch him at work on two occasions now - and his work voice is almost a whisper, softer than what I’d consider his normal voice. It has helped change the direction of his career.
I’ll chime in and say it is all about delivery. There are ways to ask someone to fix something without making them feel bad or like they’re a peon.
Every Chinese restaurant I’ve ever been to in this area gives you free rice upon request. They often don’t provide nearly as much rice for dine-in (compared to carry-out) because you can ask, and I imagine it saves an awful lot of wasted rice.
In any case, even if a company charged for whatever item you’re requesting (extra condiments, etc.), you still have to order them from the server anyway, and thus have to get their attention.
Give an example or two of “really bad service”.
The only way to tell whether it’s you being rude or your friend being over-sensitive is to ask another trusted friend who has dined out with you for their opinion.
Another person chiming in that your friend is incorrect. Unless you’re crooking your finger or snapping your fingers at the waitstaff (my grandmother used to do this) or otherwise making an ass of yourself, you’re well within your rights and the bounds of etiquette to request extra rice, expect good service and that you be charged the proper amount.
To clarify myself (maybe unnecessarily), I wasn’t accusing, but was using the “you” in a general sense, both to the OP and Lord Il Palazo.
That said, I do disagree with the friend too, especially about ordering extra stuff.
I’ve been known to go get the waiter/waitress and ask for a refill or something because they take too long to pass by for me to ask them. Or even if they pass by, sometimes they don’t “hear” me say “excuse me sir/miss”.
I’m still polite about it. I’m also polite when service is atrocious (unless they are rude to me, which I will not stand and will snap at them and report them to a manager), though when service is bad, I tend to leave a smaller tip
I’ve been out to eat with people that are dismissive of people in the service industry and I won’t ever eat with them again. When you treat a 40 y/o woman like a child (and you are 25) because she is a “lowly” waitress and you have a god complex (again, generic you, only picking a random age) and want to boss them around and get super picky about your food (ala the super bitch from the movie “Waiting”) to make you feel powerful or whatever, it is sad and I don’t want to be a part of it.
Yes, I do have a friend I will not go out with. He knows it and it probably has hurt our friendship, but he knows I hate it and does it anyway.
ETA: And west coast wrist flapping? I wish this was the pit so I could say what I want to say. East coast <censor>.
Back in college, there were 6 of us at a Denny’s. We all had coffee and water. Twice, our waitress came into the little room and went to every table in the room with both the coffee pot and the pitcher of water. Excuse me … every table in the room except for ours. She had to walk past our table to get to the other tables. Once was an oversight, twice was crappy service.
When we finally were able to catch her attention, I asked for cream for my coffee. When she brought it, she literally threw the dish down at me. I was sitting in the corner of the round booth, and instead of placing the dish of cream in the middle of the table, she tossed it like a Frisbee so that it hit the front of the table and skidded across the table at me.
Two of the girls that were with us worked as waitresses, and I asked them if I had done anything or said anything that would warrant that type of behavior, and neither of them felt I had done anything wrong.
Now, back to the OP … whether or not the way you attract a waiter’s attention is rude depends a lot on what country you are in. In some countries, it is (or was) perfectly acceptable to raise your arm. In other countries, it is better to whisper “Excuse me” as the waiter passes by. In others, you are expected to do some sort of “Psssst!”
The customer is there to be served. The service people are there to serve you. They are also trying to do their job, which includes many other things than revolving around your personal universe.
Its quite possible for them to suffer you, because rude customers (unless really bad) are better than no customers. But that still doesnt mean because you are the paying customer you are by definition not rude. Paying for stuff doesnt give free license for excessive service demands.
With the OP. Who knows. Like every other thing like this on the SDMB, we would need to see the OP in action to know WHATS really going on. And it depends on the scenario blah blah blah.
Does the OP want validation that she isnt rude so she can be at ease with herself ? Or does she want to know what she MAY be doing that folks would consider rude and quit doing that if indeed THAT is what she does. Or in other words, want a pat on the back or constructive criticism ?
The OP also needs to think what her friend is like. Does the friend always bad mouth people and complain about shit all the time ? Well, your probably not rude, or at least not anymore than the friend. Is this friend somebody who rarely confronts someone, rarely says anything bad about anyone, and rarely complains in general ? If so, IMO there is good chance you are rude somehow if they were bothered enough to bring it up to you personally.
As for requests…a "Sorry, I shoulda asked for extra rice from the start, but could you bring me some ? " and a “thank you” at the end would go a long way in that sorta situation.
A quick “thank you” every time for that matter wouldnt kill anyone. Then, of course I sure some folks are even capable of saying even “thank you” in such a way that it comes off “fuck you, you peon”.
Then again, if you know you always want extra rice, but can never be bothered to remember it when you place the order AND then go to the trouble of bothering the waitstaff later for it…then yeah IMO your being an inconsiderate ass.
I’m beginning to suspect that there’s some aspect of my speaking tone and general mannerism that annoys service people. I say this because I know that I don’t really phrase things in a rude manner and I don’t tend to do things that are just straightforwardly obnoxious. So maybe I was just born annoying or something.
I was aware that you couldn’t really tell me whether or not I was being rude without seeing me in person. I wanted to know whether the behaviours I was describing were rude on the face of it. If it’s not rude to ask for my money back, I can just do it nicely. But if it’s rude, I guess I had better not.
My friend is the sort of guy who is laid-back about everything. He told me that he’s gone to cafes and his drink just has been forgotten about and he hasn’t raised a fuss about it. Sometimes that kind of thing happens, and it’s not really a big deal (he says).
Oh, if only. 
East siiiide!
To the OP - I’m going to guess there is difference between you and your friend when it comes to “situational awareness” and that your friend feels the need to comment to you because of this difference.
I know that I am personally maybe a little oversensitive to the waitstaff in restaurants (I used to work in restaurants). If I need something I keep an eye out for my server, and when they are passing reasonably close I try to make contact. If they are not close by, and clearly busy doing something for someone, I leave them alone and wait for my opportunity. All it takes is a nod of the head or eye contact and it generally works out. It’s about recognizing their flow and jumping in when it’s time.
I have been with people who do not take this into account and will go to greater lengths to get their servers attention at the moment the need strikes them. In my eyes this is bordering on rude. It’s the “you drop what you are doing and give your full attention to my needs!” Yes, they are there to serve you, and all that, but they do have other customers as well, and we’re all on this boat together and it usually works best when we have a greater “situational awareness”.