Am I the only one this annoys? (Dad/daughter stuff)

In My Humble Opinion
21

Basically, I feel something along the lines of what Manda JO said. I think most men who say this mean well, and wouldn’t actually act on it or take it to an extreme. They just want to protect their daughters:

But while I certainly appreciate the sentiment of not wanting bad stuff to happen to your daughter, it makes me wonder:

a) What exactly is it they’re protecting their daughters from? Literal rape? Sex in general? Bad sex (as in, unsatisfying for the girl)? Sex without a relationship? All of the above? Something else?

b) Why don’t they want to protect their sons in the same way? I assume some guys will say something like, “Well, obviously, men are pigs and women are not, so it’s not the boys who need to be protected.” Now, I can personally attest that women are pigs, but I’ll allow that argument, and ask, if men know men are pigs and want to do these disgusting, awful things, why would they be comfortable letting their sons do them? Why not threaten their own sons if they date before they’re 30?

And TriPolar, I’m not trying to be snarky or intentionally obtuse, here - I really do wonder these things. I’m sure they’re clear to the guys who make these jokes, but they’re not to me, so I’m asking. And I’m asking you guys here, rather than the guys I hear say this kind of thing, because as I said above, I know that they generally mean well, and I don’t want to antagonize anyone.

It just seems to me that when it gets down to it, some guys think of sex as something dirty that they should be ashamed for wanting, and that if they inflict it on girls, they’re damaging them somehow. That just sounds like a major bummer, and I’d hate for anyone, girl or boy, to feel that way about sex and about each other.

22

My mom was like this too. I remember one time when I was 17 and I was waiting for my boyfriend to come pick me up and I saw his car pull up and went to go outside and my mom would not let me. She said he had to come up to the door and get me, or else it was disrespectful. This was not a formal date (although we did have those too) and we’d been together for about a year and I was already pregnant. It was ridiculous.

She also blamed my dad for the fact that I got pregnant young, since he doesn’t have that attitude and didn’t scare off the boys like he should have. My mom has gotten quite a bit less old-fashioned in her thinking, but until about the mid-'00s her attitudes were very ‘50s. It made my (and my sisters’) teenage years just super fun.

23

Forceable rape is always a danger, but date rape through drugs and alcohol is a serious problem too. We think that guys will say or do almost anything to get in a girl’s pants, including elaborate schemes to convince her a relationship exists, and then there is none. They’ll make a video of the act, or let their friends hide in a closet and watch. And they’ll call her a slut the next day. On top all that is the pregnancy issue. No contraceptive is 100% effective for various reasons. An inexperienced girl may not know he slipped that condom off. Some guys want to impregnate a girl for various reasons. These aren’t necessarily things that will happen, but they enter a father’s mind. Just go look at the porn sites if you want to know what goes on in the minds of men.

This being the 21st century, I did begin to think this way about my sons. Since they resemble me, they were constantly pursued by women (ok, maybe they were better looking than me at that age, but I’ve seen girls on verge of a swoon at the sight of my younger son). And I made sure they had an available supply of condoms, and carefully explained that some girls want to get pregnant for various reasons, and otherwise can’t be relied on to avoid pregnancy themselves. Plus there’s the added danger of STDs for both sexes.

Basically the attitude of a man is that sex is always good for us. But we get the protective instinct when it comes to our daughters (or those we feel that kind of relationship for).

I don’t know how many men actually act on these feeling aside from making the jokes and educating their daughters. I think most of us realize that attempts to keep daughters away from men will be counter-productive.

24

It’s not that fathers think that teenage girls are idiots. It’s that fathers think all teenagers are idiots. Which, pretty much, they are. The only reason they’re more protective of daughters than of sons is that if the teenagers do screw up, the consequences are going to be more significant for the girl.

25

My coworker always jokes that he is getting a shotgun to keep boys away from his daughter (she’s only 8, but he’s thinking ahead). I keep telling him that the shotgun isn’t to keep the boys away, but to force them to marry her *after *she gets pregnant, but he doesn’t listen.

26

Assuming you’re talking about pregnancy, no, that’s definitely not “the only reason”. If one of those fathers had three teenagers, one normal girl, one infertile girl, and one normal boy, who do you think the infertile girl would be treated more like?

Besides, what kind of parent would raise their son to believe that getting a girl pregnant is not that significant for him?

27

A lot of this is emotional response, not reason. I think there are plenty of reasons to protect our sons as much as our daughters in the modern world. But our emotional responses evolved long ago. Men who isolated their daughters until a succesful man came along may even have an evolutionary advantage.

28

Wait, how so?

29

I think it’s a good idea for at least one parent to meet the boys or girls his or her teenager dates. Also, it’s a good idea to tell them both, “I’ll (We’ll) expect to see you back by X 'clock.”

30

You’re kidding right? Pregnancy is not a health danger to the guy. He may be found liable for support in the courts, but he can run away easily, and he’s only required to supply money, not real care and love for a child. He won’t have to breastfeed or have a significant portion of life spent caring for children. Life isn’t fair.

31

Heart:

“if men know men are pigs and want to do these disgusting, awful things, why would they be comfortable letting their sons do them?”

Harm to my kin, you’re a monster.
Harm from my kin, he’s still a good boy.

“some guys think of sex as something dirty that they should be ashamed for wanting, and that if they inflict it on girls, they’re damaging them somehow.”

A lot of men see the receptive role as contemptible. Think of top/bottom in prison; top is ok, bottom is scum. Men who have sex with a lot of women get a status boost, women who have sex with a lot of men, not so much.

While it’s true women can be “pigs”*, it’s more common among men than women; contrast gay and lesbian encounters.

A teenage boy is much less likely to be reluctant to engage in sex and yet pressured/manipulated into it.

I don’t agree with all those reasons but the last two seem reasonable as a basis for fear, though perhaps not for the behavior in the OP.

*Scare quotes because I’m not quite sure what’s meant by it. Sex-focused? It seems more insulting than that as a term.

32

So you wouldn’t really be concerned about your teenage son getting a girl pregnant, because hey, he can run away easily?

33

Many men do treat their sons this way and a discussion centering around the belief that “If you get a girl pregnant I’ll break your legs” is common. What it boils down to is that men don’t want to know that there teenage spawn are getting it on.

36

I agree that we should all raise all our kids to be respectful, intelligent, and responsible.

But the concern isn’t about my teenage son. It’s about someone else’s. I have zero control over the upbringing and owned responsibility of any guy my daughter chooses to date.

37

That’s what I would do if I had daughters.

38

But the question is about your teenage son versus your teenage daughter, not your teenage daughter verses some random teenage boy you have no control over. Yes, if your teenage daughter gets pregnant, the father might skip out. But if your teenage son gets a girl pregnant, and skipping out is not an option to you or to him, then it should be just as big of a deal as a daughter getting pregnant.

39

It annoys me, and it surprises me how many other people make comments about my baby daughter along the lines of how her father is probably getting the shotgun ready, how we’re going to be in trouble once she turns (some teenage age) and we have to chase the boys away, etc.

I know people are trying to be funny, and in some cases, I think a lot of the comments are those stock phrases that simply come out in a baby situation. (Sort of like people who can’t stop themselves from saying things like “Are you working hard or hardly working?” when faced with a random coworker situation.)

If I am feeling particularly peeved about it, I’ll ask that person to elaborate more. Sometimes if I am being more kind (yet as pedantic as ever), I’ll reply that instead of chasing boys off the property, we’re planning on raising a young woman who makes informed decisions about her sexual and emotional health and behaviors. Seriously, no one wants to talk to me AT ALL after that, so it solves the problem pretty well.

40

As a single Mom let me say that I fully intend to display a shotgun prominently in my home and openly discuss my prowess with various firearms in front of any boy my daughter dates. It’s not about me not trusting Celtling. It’s that I know what boys of a certain age are like, and how many of them will do/say anything to achieve certain physical interactions with a female of the opposite persuasion. and I’m alsready shopping for Matrial Arts schools. . .

Sorry bud, but your family will be coming over for Sunday dinner before you spend an unchaperoned evening with my daughter.

What was that great old e-mail that went around about this? I only remember it was a warning to the guy, and ended with “because the camouflaged face in the bushes will be mine. . .”

41

Right. My point is basically that I would find this attitude less annoying or weird or whatever if it were equally common coming from both fathers and mothers, and/or if it were equally directed toward both daughters and sons. That’s all - I’m just examining why it’s such a common dad/daughter thing, and not so much a general parent/child thing.

I mean, I obviously get why a dad of a daughter would be concerned about her getting pregnant, but then, in my opinion, he should be equally concerned about his son getting someone else pregnant. And yet I hear the “dad intimidating the boyfriend/daughter” stuff a lot more often than I hear “dad intimidating the son/girlfriend” - although I do hear it, and there are examples of that in this thread. And both of these attitudes are even more rare coming from the mom, in my experience. Personally, I will do everything within my power to make sure my son knows how to not get a girl pregnant, and if he does, he will absolutely be equally, fully responsible for the baby in every way except actually carrying and giving birth to it.

And on that note, TruCelt, do you think you would feel/act the same if Celtling were a boy?

42

Did you know that girls enjoy sex too, and have been known to pressure boys to get it?

Underlying so many of these responses is the idea that sex is a fearful, painful, unpleasant act that a girl would obviously only engage in because some nasty boy has MADE her do it, most likely extracting her cooperation with lies if not blackmail. The idea that she would be an equal consiprator in the sex plan, and have any type of sexual relation just because she wants to is basically not on the table.

Believe you me, girls can be super horny too. “Certain physical interactions” actually feel pretty good.

Anyway I just don’t get how parents think they can enforce “we have to meet them” rules. I never brought any boyfriends home for my parents to meet, what a pain in the ass that would be. Not that I was a heavy dater in high school, but as far as those awful boys who [del]deceived me with their lies[/del] introduced me to oral sex, we met in mutually convenient spots to make out and quote from Monty Python together.