Am I the only one who finds James Bond movie plots completely imfuckingpenetrable?

Cafe Society
1

And if not, why do they make them so fricking hard to understand? I could understand making it difficult to understand so that people just focus on the action but I end up missing most of the action sequences because I’m trying to figure out the fucking plot. Which leads me to the question, “What the fuck is happening in Die Another Day?” Yes, is happening because you see, I’m still watching it but got so pissed I had to vent and try to figure out what is going on so I can enjoy the last few minutes of the movie. Spoilers Ahead…

Did this Korean general’s son morph into this diamond mine guy before the day of the diamonds for weapons exhange or after? If before, who was “playing” the Korean general’s son that day?
What was the point of that initial transaction anyway if it really was the diamond guy (And what was the point if it wasn’t? ). All I know is that the general’s son wanted to create that super weapon to clear the mines, etc… Everything else is a complete fucking mystery.

2

Bond movies aren’t about plot. The plot is just an excuse for the cool gadgets, fight scenes, explosions, and hot babes!

3

So then make a simple plot so I don’t waste my time missing the action sequences attempting to figure it out.

4

I saw the thread title. I immediately thought of “Die Another Day” - I kid you not.

I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who found the plot so mind boggling that it distracted from my enjoyment of an otherwise good action flick.

5

I was going to comment but then I found to my surprise that, despite only having seen it a few months ago, I retain almost nothing of the plot of Die Another Day. Something about lasers.

In fact, thinking about it, these kind of things are all I remember about any Bond film. The World is Not Enough. Something about oil. Tommorow Never Dies. Something about the media. Goldeneye. Something about a satellite. You Only Live Twice. Something about voodoo. And so on.

They all had a lot of gadgets, explosions, cheesy one-liners and attractive women, I remember that much

6

I was actually looking forward to this particular Bond flick. I really like the director Lee Tamahori, who made one of my favorite movies of all time. That being said it was a mess. The plot was such a silly mess I could find little to enjoy.

I am not a snob and enjoy a good action movie. The motivations of the characters, and even who the hell they were was terribly unclear.

Blah!

7

I too am a fan of the movies and have seen most of them. But I also suffer from an immense inability to understand the plots. My friend has the entire DVD box set and knows every single character’s real life name, every movie they’ve been in, etc. You know, a real 007 geek. He knows exactly what’s going on all the time and regularly “speaks along” with the movie. He thoroughly rips me for not getting it.

8

To try to answer the questions in the OP:

I’ll have to watch it again, but next week’s Bond film will be You Only Live Twice. I have a way to go before I get to Die Another Day. But I’ll see what I can remember, anyway.

*** SPOILER WARNING!!! ***
I will not be using spoiler boxes.

Bond is sent to North Korea to assassinate either Zao, or Col. Moon, or both of them. They are trading military arms to terrorists for illegal diamonds from South Africa. Bond’s team puts the helicopter off course, and he takes the courier’s place. He puts explosives in the case of diamonds and he intends to blow up Zao or Moon by remote control.

Bond is recognized. He detonates the suitcase bomb and Zao is wounded with the diamond shrapnel. Bond tries to escape on a hovercraft, but he is persued by Col. Moon. After a fight, Moon plummets over a waterfall. Bond is captured and spends 14 months in captivity.

Bond is exchanged for someone else, whom I can’t remember right now. He wants to find the person who betrayed him. He escapes from his own people (who don’t trust him after 14 months with the North Koreans) to Hong Kong. He gets the help of a Chinese agent who tells him where to find Zao, whom Bond believes can tell him who the traitor is.

Bond goes to Cuba where there is a special clinic. The clinic replaces DNA to cure people of diseases. You may miss it, but they get the DNA from “people who won’t be missed”. Mengele stuff. Bond makes his way to the island that holds the clinic and finds Zao – who still has diamonds stuck in his face. A fight breaks out and Zao escapes.

Gustav Graves has had the good fortune to find diamonds in a most unlikely place. MI-6 believe that they are smuggled contraband diamonds. Borrowing heavily from the novel Moonraker, Graves seems to be the perfect citizen. He seems to exist only to do good. Bond wrangles an invitation from him to Iceland (with a nod to the golf game in Goldfinger). In Iceland, Graves reveals that he has created a giant reflector in space that will bring sunlight to wherever it is needed – a great benefit to mankind. Of course it can also be used as a weapon.

Bond and American agent Jinx discover that Graves is none other than Col. Moon, who did not die in the river. Jinx is captured, Bond escapes, Bond rescues Jinx.

Graves/Moon’s plan now becomes clear. The space reflector is not for the benefit of mankind, but for the benefit of North Korea. Graves/Moon plans to use it to destroy the minefield in the DMZ, allowing ROK forces to invade the south.

The results are as expected.

9

After.

The point was supposed to be a genuine arms-for-diamonds deal. I don’t get what the confusion on that is. After, when the Colonel’s secret is blown (his father, the General, is too by-the-book to violate treaties like that, and would not have allowed his son to do it), he changes his appearance to further his plot without letting his father know who he really is.

Honestly, it didn’t seem so convoluted to me…although I must say, I didn’t expect that Graves was actually the North Korean.

10

Johnny L. A.:

Bond is exchanged for Zao, who had been captured during his assault on the peace talks that left the three Chinese agents dead.

Chaim Mattis Keller

11

I say we boycott Bond films until they pick up good stories, John Gardner’s novels for example. And no bowdlerizing the plot to make it an F/X fest. We deserve better, dammit!

12

You just contradicted yourself.
:smiley:

13

At least they’re better than the dreck they’ve been putting in the theaters. :slight_smile:

14

So why was the real Gustav Graves buying weapons in the first place? Is there a reason given?

15

Thanks, cmkeller/ I’m still re-watching Connery!

I did. The whole “benevolent industrialist” thing was taken from Moonraker (the book).

16

Here you go! one prototypical James Bond 007 script:

Prolog: James Bond spends about 3-5 minutes dodging danger and successfully completing a mission, tossing a wisecrack as he finishes.

Opening Credits: Song with lyrics vaguely related to the movie title, while images of gorgeous women form the background.

First Scene: Some anonymous schmuck working for British Intelligence is killed by (a) ingenous trap (b) Superhuman Killing Machine © thrown into villian’s Death Pit.

Second Scene: James Bond is (a) making love (b) gambling in casino © drinking in nightclub when he is called into the office. The Chief tells him that Anonymous Schmuck has disappeared and is presumed dead while investigating Odd Anomaly. Only clue is that he was checking out a possible connection to Mr. Bigshot. Bond is now on the case.

Third Scene: Bond goes to Exotic Locale, but is pegged by the bad guys before he can even check his luggage. He escapes an attempted hit or two, which only serve to give him further clues of where to look. Meanwhile he makes the acquaintance of Good Sexy Girl.

Fourth Scene: Bond meets Mr. Bigshot, and they verbally dance around each other while sizing up each other.(If there’s a Bad Sexy Girl working for Mr. Bigshot, Bond meets her here.)

Fifth Scene: anyone helping Bond gets killed, except for Good Sexy Girl, who unwittingly provides the essential information that Bond needs.

Sixth Scene: Mr. Bigshot sends more assassins to kill Bond in a spectacular car/ boat/ helicopter/ snowmobile/ motorcycle chase. Bond escapes and all the assassins are killed except for Superhuman Killing Machine, who survives for the time being.

(Optional Scene: Bad Sexy Girl gets Bond in bed and either tries to put a dagger in his back, poison his drink, or distract him while assassins attack.)

Seventh Scene: Bond now knows where Mr. Bigshot’s secret plan is being carried out. He sneaks in but is captured, along with Good Sexy Girl. Mr. Bigshot rants about his plan to destroy the world’s entire rutabaga crop. He devises a slow and painful death for Bond, while planning a separate death/torture/rape for Good Sexy Girl. (also, Bad Sexy Girl taunts Bond).

Eighth Scene: Bond cleverly escapes certain death; pushes the Self Destruct button on Mr. Bigshot’s anti-rutabaga ray; fights and kills Superhuman Killing Machine; dodges one last attempt by Bad Sexy Girl to kill him and kills her instead; then rescues Good Sexy Girl from Mr. Bigshot’s clutchs and dumps Mr. Bigshot into giant bowl of hot steaming mashed rutabagas.

Ninth Scene: Villian’s lair explodes, Bond and Good Sexy Girl escape, and enjoy tete-a-tete before being picked up by rescuers from British Navy/ Air Force.

Cue closing credits.

17

Great breakdown of the formula Lumpy. Would it be soooooo hard to add just a teeny weeny bit of dimension to his character so there was at least one teeny weeny moral dilemma that could vault Bond out of low art w/ redeeming qualities to medium art w/ great action?

18

Lumpy, You forgot the huge gun battle before the end with all the extras rappling in from the ceiling/attacking through secret entrance, conveintly distracting the bad guy so bond can stop his evil plans.

19

I think they are a hoot.

For mind stimulation I do not go to a Bond movie.

You wanna be distracted in a movie? Being a pilot and going to a movie with airplanes in it is almost more than mortal man can endure…

20

You also forgot the optional Exotic and Dangerous Animal scene. If the Exotic Animal is smaller than a breadbox, it will be poisonous, and attack Bond in his bed or shower. If it is larger, it will be used to threaten Bond, but will eat one or more of Mr. Bigshot’s goons instead.