When I was nineteen I slept with a fourteen year old thinking she was seventeen. Our relationship lasted several months and the only reason I found out she lied to me about her age is because a jealous ex told me (he was my age as well).
I don’t think about this very often, but just recently my girlfriend’s ex called her in the middle of the night, freaking out because he’s 22 and he almost slept with a 14 year old. Instead of grabbing the phone from her, saying, “It’s three in the morning, you fucking cretin,” and hanging up, all I could do is just kind of sit there thinking, “What’s the big deal?”
So are you, the doper reading this, finding me morally repugnant? Are you sympathetic? Are you just nodding that you’ve done it, too?
Well, you didn’t know she was 14, thought she was 17, so I’d say that gets you off the pedophile list.
What’s the big deal? Well, there’s a lot of gray area. But suffice it to say I understand why the 22 year old guy freaked out when he found out the girl he was about to sleep with was only 14. Eek.
Speaking only for myself, I’ve only had sex with people who were within 2 years of me, older or younger. None of them were under 16, and the one that was 16 happened when I was 16 as well.
If I were a parent, I would emphasize the importance of recognizing the too frequent instances of one partner misleading the other in regard to age. Young adults are going to be involved in cases like this more frequently. Due to the possibility that the young and immature may be tempted to lie about age makes it crucial for the older more mature to go to the extra trouble of closely scrutinizing the folks they get involved with. I do not view the situation you described as being “pedophilic”? behavior. I think it shows a degree of irresponsible decision-making. If I were the parent of a fourteen year old, I would be pissed at the 19 year old but I would also place blame upon the 14 year old and myself. There should be a fair distribution of the guilt. I suppose that legally, the guilt would fall entirely upon the 19 year old but I am not sure.
When I was in eighth grade, there were several girls in my class (all my age, 14 or 15) dating guys in their very late teens or early twenties, and I was consumed with envy–these cool older guys all got these hot girls, and what was I supposed to do? Date a ten year old? No, I was supposed to wait until I was nineteen so I could hit on the hot young eighth-graders.
By the time I got to be nineteen, I saw it differently–these 19 year old guys hitting on eighth-graders weren’t cool, they were PATHETIC victimizers lacking in self-esteem, able to seem impressive only because of their ability to drive cars, drink, and other “adult” achievements. I wasn’t interested in spending time with 14-year old girls when I was nineteen, although I certainly could see where some of them were physically attractive. I couldn’t bring myself to demean myself by seeming to take a 14-year-old girl, and her life concerns, seriously for the reward of having sex with her, though several occasions did present themselves. I found I could flirt with a fairly mature 14-year old but I was never able to get over the feeling of ethical violation of getting physical. It just felt disgusting, and icky, and wrong, though I was definitely RIGHT THERE physically.
Now that I have teenaged daughters, I understand that there are two kinds of older boys: them that want my girls and will take advantage of any chance to nail them, and them that want my girls but stop just short, somehow, of acting on their desires. Scares the hell out of me.
I would generally reserve the word pedophile for someone who is attracted to pre-pubescent children. Someone who wants to sleep with 13 year olds is still a sicko pervert, but it is a world of difference from someone who wants to sleep with 5 year-olds.
That about sums it up for me too. When I was nineteen I was dating someone who was 18. When I was sixteen I was dating someone who was sixteen. We all knew who the younger girls were because they were in middle school and we were in Highschool. We hung out at different parties, etc…etc…
BTW, if my girl friends - I’m married so doesn’t literally apply - but anyway, if my girlfriends ex called at 3 in the morning to talk to her about who he almost had sex with…:dubious: I’d be a bit perturbed. Does that not sound slightly weird, or is someone in denial…And where on earth was a 22 year old MAN hanging out with a 14 year old? Thats nasty, can’t he find someone his own age?
Sorry for being a little out spoken, but I think people over 18 who sleep with young teenage girls are quite pathetic.
I hope you’re calling my girlfriend’s ex pathetic and not me, because I find attributing pseudotriton’s comments to me totally offensive.
I had moved away after I graduated and came back for the summer. I found this new hot girl hanging out with all my friends who were a year behind me in school. If her stalker-like ex hadn’t appeared, no one would’ve found out until classes started in September and she was suddenly in junior high instead of grade 12.
When I came back, I had absolutely no reason to question anything because she was best friends with my best friends and that’s just not the type of situation where a casual lie can survive.
Getting the hots for a 14 year old who looks like a 17 year old - sexually mature - doesn’t make you a paedophile, particularly not if you are also 17.
Getting the hots for a 14 year old who looks like a 9 year old - pre-pubescent- does make you a paedophile - and for the record, having the thoughts does not make you a criminal - apparently (sorry - I don’t remember where I got this cite) there are non-practicing paedophiles - those who resist their urges towards children because they know it’s wrong/fear getting caught/whatever.
OTOH - a 22 year old man who is having sex with a 14 year old girl, and he KNOWS she’s a 14 year old girl, is a sexual predator. It is a big deal, as far as I’m concerned because:
a) he’s supposed to be an adult - ergo, he has more responsibility for this actions than a child does - albiet a child on the brink of young-adulthood.
b) Humm - I can’t really think of a “b”, but I like the way the “a” looks.
So, to sum up - Anal - from what you describe, you’re not a paedophile - you’re a guy who had sex with a girl 3 years younger than him, who appeared sexually mature and lied about her age. I don’t see a moral crime here.
Up until the quoted part, I totally agree with you. We don’t know the circumstances of the 22 year old yet. Let’s say the 22 year old was at a keg party and started a flirtation with a mature looking 14 year old, maybe she looked 19. They’re about to get it on when he asks her age. She says that she’s 14 and he freaks out. Oh my god, I nearly made a huge mistake. Not a dirt bag, right?
I would just like to note that your case does not in any way fall under the accepted definition of pedophilia. Pedophile is a word that I believe has been thrown around too lightly.
You were both adolescents.
It may have been statutory rape, but that’s a different matter.
To be pedophilia, you have to desire people who have not reached puberty yet.
If you desire girls that are developed physically… you know, periods and boobs, but are still legally underage, the technical name for that is Ephebophilia.
Thats not really pedophilia, more statutory rape (if you had known at least). The definition of pedophilia (for me) has always involved people over 21 having sex with people under 12. a 19 year old and a 14 year old is more statutory rape, i.e., mitigated pedophilia.
Which comedian was it that said, “We all want to sleep with 16 year olds. That’s why there’s a law.”?
While that’s certainly a generalization, I’d say the desire is more normal than people would admit. Acting on it, however, especially where 14 year olds are concerned, would fall more into the realm of sexual predator than pedophile.
You know that’s interesting, because a friend and I were talking about this recently. I’m 26 and she’s 23, but we both look around six years younger than our respective ages - at least given the opinions of numerous strangers who are not shy to share their opinions :rolleyes: We were discussing that as teens we both wondered if older men (our dads ages or older, type of older) who leered at us were pedophiles. They had no way of knowing that we were several years older than we looked…
Well, I know a girl that had delayed puberty - no boobs, hips, pit/pubic hair until she was about 21. (It’s a medical condition. I don’t remember what it’s called - pernicious puberty maybe? anyhow.)
Her first boyfriend, when she was 17, was a 38 year old man. (14 is the legal age of consent here in Alberta).
He told her that his main attraction to her was the fact that she was totally undeveloped - looked like a little girl.
When she actually hit puberty and started to develop, he dumped her.
It’s statuatory rape whether or not you knew. You better check the ID if you’re not sure.
Blaron’s definintion is the correct one. Pedophilia is the sexual attraction to children which does not include a well developed fourteen year old girl. An adult male going after a mature teen age girl is a different kind of sick.
It is easy to be fooled into believeing underaged girls are women. Each and every female matures at a different rate. There’s not much you can do other then not have sex until you know for sure by seeing i.d., meeting her family etc. Given your situation I can’t say as I feel any need to pass any judgement on anyone other then the girl.
I believe that was Marc Maron, one of my favorite comedians. For the longest time I thought pedophiles were foot fetishists because of the French and Latin words for feet. I can’t recall any incidents due to this belief but I’m pretty sure I shocked a few people before I found out otherwise.
