I just love my country – America, land of the free! And I love my fellow Americans – all of them!
Well, almost all of them. Naturally I don’t like anyone who wants to overthrow our government – you know, like hippies and Communists and the like. But I really do love Americans!
(Of course, it goes without saying that survivalists and neo-Nazis are not very loveable. But that doesn’t count, does it? That’s not really the American way.)
What’s not to like about Americans? Admittedly, I am a little afraid of those who want to trash the Constitution by taking away our right to bear arms. We’re all part of one great militia, aren’t we? By heck, if we even wanted to make our own MOABs and missles, we have that right guaranteed by the Second Ammendment, don’t we? As long as we don’t let criminals have weapons, we will be just fine, thank you. We are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights. It’s in the Bible somewhere. Don’t like it? So shoot me!
Most Americans are really very nice. But people from the North do get on my nerves sometimes – what with that nasal way of talking and the way they are always in such a rush and poke you with their elbows on the sidewalks in the city and don’t even bother to excuse themselves. They just don’t give a damn! Did you know that someone dropped dead right in front of the Stock Exchange and within five minutes there was a pool in one of the offices on how long the body would stay there?
But really, I do love this country and her people – unless you count those silly celebrities who are always spouting their liberal political gibberish. I mean, what gives them the right just because they’re famous? What we need in Hollywood is the likes of a John Wayne. Now there was an American!
But what is it with these Southerners? They all marry their cousins, you know, and that’s why their ears are set a little low on their heads, so I’ve heard. And slow? You bet – in more ways than one! (wink, wink) They talk slowly and use words you’ve never heard anywhere else like homony grits and poke salat. Can’t they speak normal English and eat normal food? Dumb as a sack of hair – all of them.
And those people on the West Coast! They’re all naturalists and environmentalist who want to take away jobs from hard-working people like miners and loggers and the Secretary of the Department of the Interior. What does it matter if we drop a link or two in the food chain? Environmentalists need to chill about this nuclear winter stuff and ozone depletion and fuel conservation. It’s bunk! This is America! We’re safe!
Now, when I say that I love Americans, please understand that I’m talking about real Americans – not those Mexican-Americans who are taking our jobs or the Indians who just won’t work at all…or those Orientals who jabber so fast and study all the time. All they do is smile and study and chatter. Smile and study and chatter. They are as tiresome and predictable as the Italians. Eat, kill, confess. Eat, kill, confess. And think about the number of Canadians who have slipped across the border and into the newsrooms and quiz shows of our country. How can you trust a Canadian-American to give you unbiased news? And if they’re not Canadians, they’re Jews. Talk bout an agenda!
What is it with the men in this country? They are either cowboys who smell like roadkill or business men who wear God-awful clothes and sit in little cubicles with cartoons taped to the walls. Or they are CEOs – Creative Economic Opportunists. Or they are trying to hold women and African-Americans down so they won’t get “uppity.” Or they are paid a zillion dollars for carrying fake pigskin a few yards.
And the women are as bad as the men! Always pushing! You would think that the Masters’ Tournament was the be all and end all of sucess and equality! Let’s face it. Women are never going to be worth a damn at golf – much less real sports. Besides, women can’t be in the good-ole-boy network because…guess what? They aren’t boys!! They need to confront the fact that they are women and get over it!
And the kids these days are just about to destroy America with their music and insolence and greed. Rude, rude, rude! And at the other end of the line, why don’t we set some sort of cut off point for social security and Medicare for old people? Why should they want to live past seventy anyway? Such a burden on society and nobody really wants to be a burden, right?
Speaking of burdens, what are we going to do with those people who are ruining our streets by sleeping on them? Who do they think they are? For crying outloud, go inside!
Do you know who is really running this country into the ground? It’s the religious fundamentalists and the homos. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with THEM!
Religious people should just keep their Bible thumping views to themselves and homos should keep their you-know-whats to themselves. Got it?
I almost forgot. So help me, if I see one more peacenik on the sidewalk, I am going to run him over! Keep your nose out of our war, Bozo! They should all be investigated if they don’t like America just the way it is. How dare they voice their anti-everything philosophies in a country as free and wonderful as ours!
And don’t forget to say a prayer for our nation’s “leaders” in their efforts to “fight for peace”! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned honest-to-God statesmen like that James Stewart/Mr. Smith guy?
Other than that, I just love my country – America, land of the free! And I love my fellow Americans.
