American Ninja Warrior

[DKW]

= ENDLESS INVISIBLE CLIMB: A head-to-head 75-foot Invisible Ladder. Two contestants go at a time; the two winners face each other for the medal. =

First match features Ryan Stratis vs. James “The Beast” McGrath. There’s a brief profile of McGrath, and, ooh, a couple insipid comments that might qualify as “trash talking” if you’re inordinately generous! :rolleyes: McGrath leads wire-to-wire and touches the mat (which serves as a buzzer for both sides for this contest) way ahead of his foe.

Second match, Chris Wilczewski vs. Jamie Rahn. Quickie profiles, generic comments. Rahn takes a slim lead out of the gate and never relinquishes it, pulling away at the end to a decisive win.

In the final, McGrath surges ahead and quickly leaves Rahn in the dust. Despite the commentators maintaining their insane horse race narrative (this was the point where I had to hit the mute button…I’m tolerant, but I have my LIMITS, dammit), Rahn falls hopelessly out of contention. Cake walk, blowout, slaughter, curbstomp, beatdown, whatever works for you.

Well, that was pleasingly concise! Next!

= SUPER SALMON LADDER: A Salmon Ladder with 35 rungs. [unchanged from last year] =

Last time Mark Bernardo won this in spectacular fashion, blazing to the top as easily as he was scaling a fire ladder. You know what, I don’t generally have opinions on how these dedicated athletes do, but I’m glad he accomplished that. I see someone with his fire, his determination, and in a truly honorable profession, at that, I want him to do well and make his mark. Which he hadn’t been able to do, which so many others haven’t been able to do, simply because there are so few opportunities in a sport where one little mistake knocks you out for the year. But now Super Salmon Ladder, this, this can be his thing, his baby, his stakehold on the ANW landscape. And here’s hoping he sets the bar for a long time to come.

Uggghh…I’m not sure how more of this I can take. First Iseman spouts out the garbage of Bernardo “defending his title” (yeah, definitely could use a puking smiley right about now) from “tough new competitors”…and immediately cutting to Jesse Labreck. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Nooooooo. Jesse Labreck is not going to win this. You could put Jessie Graff in her and she would not win this. Hell, you could fuse her with Michelle Warnky, strap Tiana Webberley to her back, and inject Jennifer Tavernier into her blood, and that probably wouldn’t be enough for her to win this.

Oh, the other competitors are “Salmon Ladder specialist” Karsten Williams and the 54-year-old Jon Stewart, who’s going first. Sure, why not. Quick shot of him going up his homemade supersize Salmon Ladder.

Stewart, to his credit, looks very strong, and sets a brisk pace which never falters. In fact, it looks like he has a shot at the top before a mistake on 26 sends him a long way down. Score of 25.

Labreck’s turn. She gets crooked repeatedly but somehow manages to avoid disaster. Her tank is just about drained at 16 but she amazingly manages to take on 3 more. 19; excellent mark, all things considered.

And…you’ll just have to take my word on this. Cut to commercial, and then we see a completely different event…that’s right, with Super Salmon Ladder still in progress…in waiweewuwwawei format. Except this happened “earlier tonight”, which means that as opposed to the usual practice of stripping an event to the bone to save time, NBC simply didn’t give a crap about this one. Huh. There’s questionable editing and there’s elitism; the former is occasionally forgivable, the latter a red flag no matter what.

<Sigh>…fine…let’s see what we got here…

= STRIDING STEPS: A simple footrace across a line of small circular steps separated by 5-foot gaps. Run to the end, swing on a rope and back, run back, and climb a rope up a wall to the buzzer. =

Jake Murray lost his balance on the way back and fell. Kacy Catanzaro had a little trouble with the gaps but finished. No time given. And then…wait a minute, what do you mean, “final round”? This was a match event like Endless Invisible Climb? And it’s Thomas Stillings against Daniel Gil…so Murray and Catanzaro lost. Okay, Murray losing is no surprise, but…Hold the phone! Catanzaro competed against a man? You hype this woman up for years, hold her up as a shining inspiration, and now you just throw her into a woodchipper? Well, who was it? Are we ever going to find out? Did he have a problem with beating up on a 5’ woman who’d never have a chance against him in a million billion years?? Wait, wait wait…what’s the damn point of making this a match event in the first place if you don’t even have both of them running at the same time?? What the bloody hell is going on here?? Who’s running this sushi bar???

Huh. Anyway, Gil fell, Stillings won, hoo-rah, whatevs. Oh, Iseman says check out the even in its entirety on the website. Sure, why not. (More on this at the end.)

Okay, where were we…

= SUPER SALMON LADDER: A Salmon Ladder with 35 rungs. [unchanged from six minutes ago] =

Little profile on Karsten Williams. Says he can get “at least 50 plus”. He’s a little slow at the start…and remains slow. But he’s still making progress…one more…one more…and he’s at the top! Just to show off, he takes a few rungs downward…wait, does he really get credit for those? No, no, it’s just the scoreboard operator screwing around. Somewhat more benignly than usual in this instance.

So Williams is assured his medal, but Bernardo can match…oh, come on. Now Gbajabiamila says that Bernardo wins only if he can do 35 rungs faster than Williams. Which is certainly doable, in fact should be pretty easy for him, but it’d be nice to, well, know this beforehand. And if this is a timed event now (Wait, I suggested a good idea and this contest actually implemented it? Cool! Now get cracking on that split screen! ), could we, well, SEE THE FREAKING TIMER?? Gah. Early UFC was better organized than this, folks.

<Sigh>…well, anyway…no, Machinegun, you don’t have to “defend that title”. The ’16 title is yours. It’ll never not be yours. What you “have” to do is repeat, and only because it’d be a bit embarrassing if you suddenly became slower than Williams. Is this hard to understand? Is it normal to be on the brink of exhaustion at the 1:10 mark of a 2-hour show? (Oh, uh, 1:00.03 is the time to beat. Just thought I’d get that out of the way.)

Bernardo goes up and is off to the races. Man, he makes it look so easy. Up, up, up, up, up, up, ten rungs, fifteen, twenty, not even at the 10-second mark yet, twenty…oops, got askew at 24, but an easy correction. 26…trouble, the left side goes crooked by two rungs! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone flub that badly without taking the plunge. He gets left the left side up to 25, then 26…and the right drops to 25! Something’s seriously off about his form tonight. He gets going again but is noticably slower. Still well below 30 seconds by the time he’s at the thirtieth rung, so time won’t be a factor, he just needs to finish the job. Struggling now. Two hops to get to 31. Crooked again at 32. Fixes it; 33 down, just 2 to go. 34, CROOKED AGAIN! Tries to fix it, can’t! He’s looking fatigued and his confidence is completely shot. Finally gets to 34. Arms fully extended; pain showing on his face. One…final…and he loses his grip and falls!

Wowza. An old story we’ve all seen many times in real sports. It ain’t over ‘till it’s over. To finish first, you must first finish. Close only counts in horseshoes. Feel free to tack on your own cliches. Oh, wait one more: Slow but steady wins the race. Which almost never actually happens, in fact, but is exactly the case for Karsten Williams, whose 1:00.03 has improbably held up for the victory! Williams, to his credit, accepts his medal humbly and credits Bernardo for providing a real challenge. Mmm, could this be the makings of a rivalry? Good Sagume, I hope so!

= BIG AIR GRAB: Bounce off a trampoline and grab the edge of the suspended board. The height increases each round. =

Another effin’ “earlier tonight”. Can we make a rule that any network that makes complete hash of the Olympics isn’t allowed to touch the ANW All-Star event ever in perpetuity for all time?
<Sigh>…Brent Steffensen, Meagan Martin, Grant McCartney, Nicholas Coolridge, Kevin Bull. Starting height is 14’; everyone makes it without difficulty. 14’ 6”; both Martin and Bull whiff. Up to 16’, and did I mention something about nonsensical progressions last time? McCartney goes down. 16’ 6”. Steffensen goes first and misses, meaning that Coolridge is guaranteed a medal no matter how he does. Thankfully, while he can just take a dive…heck, that’s what I would do…he instead closes out in impressive fashion, grabbing the board one-handed and almost casually raising the other hand and putting it on. Damn, has it been a fantastic night for him or what?

Oh yeah, “bonus coverage” on the website. Will check it out whenever.

= MEGA WALL: A 17’ and increasing Warped Wall. =

Competing tonight are Jon Alexis Jr., Jesse Labreck (Sheesh, is she a glutton for punishment or what?), Najee Richardson, Flip Rodriguez, and Joe Moravsky.

Moravsky makes it easily. Alexis, looks effortless. Labreck…okay. (No, we did not require a goddam instant replay for that…sheesh, is this what you slashed two whole events for??) Richardson…a little interesting, but he’s up. Rodriguez, the champ, because he was last year’s champ (and I refuse to ever to refer to him as the you-know-what), nice ‘n easy.

Up to 18’. Moravsky, good. (Another instant replay, thankfully shorter this time.) Labreck, buoyed by a stupid chant…almost has it, but can’t hold on. And since we’re wasting a ton of time here as it is, why not completely break the flow of the event with an exit interview? Geez…Alexis Jr. again, just as easy as last time. (Replay #3! Do they want this to never end?) Richardson…nggg…has it! Rodriguez…very dicey, but he’s up. (#4. Just gonna count them at this point or I’m going to be here all week.)

18’ 6”. Well, I guess you kinda need a 3WA at this point. Moravsky, close one, but up. Richardson, same. Alexis Jr., little more effort required, but has it. Rodriguez…yeah.

Now 19’, the height Rodriguez bested Moravsky at last year to ice it. Moravsky is out for revenge. He’s…well short; doesn’t even graze the top. Now Richardson, who runs hard but can’t make the magic last a fourth round. Rodriguez elects to go before Alexis this time. A good run, reaches…just short!

So Alexis is the last man standing, which gives NBC something of a potential quandary…if he fails, does this mean we have 4 winners? Aside from the fact that they very likely don’t have that many spare medals, wouldn’t that make a mockery of the event (and it’s not like we need any more mockery tonight)? Thankfully, The Giiiiiant (which the announcers called him flippin’ constantly throughout the entire event…he’s 6’ 6”, for crying out loud, not even NBA center territory) spares us any whiff of screaming controversy, getting up without a problem and icing the victory.

Might I add, he looked in complete control tonight. He probably could’ve handled 19’ 6” no trouble. Assuming he decides to stick with ANW (fingers crossed!), expect him to be a fixture in this even and very hard to beat.

= THUNDERBOLT: An open peg board which rises and dips at irregular intervals. Head-to-head competition. =

That’s three events chucked to the back burner. Ye gods, would it have been that torturous to add a third hour?? (Yep, you guessed it: website.)
The first matchup was Geoff Britten (who apparently is not yet utterly sick of this ANW crap for some weird reason) vs. Travis Rosen (ditto). Britten, the stronger competitor by any measure, won easily. Second match was Jessie Graff vs. Brian Arnold, and why NBC insists on burying their top women, I do not have a clue. Arnold makes it official while Graff is slightly more than halfway across.

Aside: Seriously what the hell were they thinking? Graff got creamed here. It was right up there, plain as day. Anyone with eyes could see it. What purpose could there possibly be for pitting her against someone who’s always been a beast in upper-body challenges? (I can just picture it now: “Brian, you twit! We told you to go easy on her!” “I did!”)

Britten knew that he had to step it up he wanted to win, and he did, and it worked. Using a risky crossover technique, he reached the buzzer a good five feet ahead of Arnold and sealed the win. So now that’s two triumphs on his record, the big one and a little one, earning him a grand total of $0.00 and a bit of jewelry. Something tells me the runway is still clear.

= SUPERSONIC SHELF GRAB: A trampoline jump to a 2” ledge followed by a swinging jump to another 2” ledge. The distance starts at 9’ and increases after each successful jump =

Lining up are Bret Sims, Meagan Martin (who for some lunatic reason hasn’t walked away and never looked back despite everything that’s happened to Labreck, Catanzaro, and Graff tonight), Najee Richardson, and Drew Dreschel. Is it just me, or is the roster kinda slim tonight? I could’ve sworn there were a lot more competitors last year. Iseman crows that the length of the pool cut short last year’s contest and forced an unsatisfying sister-kisser, but this time “there are no limits!” I recall a similar grandiose proclamation in the early days of UFC about how there were no time limits, which resulted in the UFC 4 pay-per-view running out of time right in the middle of the thrilling Royce Gracie vs. Dan Severn final, turning what should’ve been a triumph for SEG into a monumental humiliating clusterfrag, and am I the only one disturbed by all these parallels with the most colossally bleeped-up period in MMA history?

Anyhoo. Sims up first; strictly textbook. Martin, on the first ledge, swings…misses, falls! The replay shows what went wrong: she was too far laid back at the release, and her left leg actually got between her arms and the ledge; no recovering from that. And just like that, after sinking Team Gbajabiamila at Butterfly Wall and being an also-ran in Big Air Grab, she caps off the night with a no-result. This is easily the #2 or #3 woman in the entire sport; she should’ve been able to make nine feet with her eyes closed! Is the pressure just getting to her? I remember that wonderful 2014 in which she became the first woman to clear the 4th and 5th obstacles in Stage 1, and since then it’s been blunder after blunder after blunder. Seriously, the only reason there hasn’t been a titanic backlash is that Esquire and NBC never hyped her up to anywhere near the degree they did Catanzaro.

Huh? Oh, uh, the other contestants, right. Richardson is almost too strong on the leap and has to reach down to grab the ledge. Dreschel, easy.

11’. Sims takes a bunch of swings, releases…left hand can’t get a grip, and he’s down! Richardson jumps, leaps, has it. Dreschel, powerful swings, got it.

14’. No fooling around now! (Blah blah defending champ yada.) Richardson, good. Dreschel, good.

15’…holy crap, the sun is rising! This event was huge; just how much of it ended up on the cutting room floor for the broadcast, anyway? Well, good a time as any to wrap it up. Richardson goes up…can’t hold on! (Now that was a pretty impressive wipeout! If this event doesn’t have a “Warrior Wipeout” award, it should.)

Now Dreschel is all alone out there. His second medal is already in the bag, but he needs to succeed at this distance to lock down victory and an absolutely unequivocal “title d******”. You know he wants it. On the first ledge. Two big, big swings. He commits. Hands on the ledge…and…CAN’T HOLD ON!

So it’s a tie at the top, two men get medals, and ANW has another nomenclature nightmare on its hands! You gotta love it! And with that an utterly draining (over)night finally…

…geez, Cochise, are you TRYING to kill me?? For whatever insane goddam arglebargle smurfing jiggabahezah coffepot blempglorf reason, the powers that be are allowing both men another shot at 15’. Haaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh…Richardson, nope. Dreschel…

…holy mother of Strong Bad, he held on! He did it! He’s the champ! Drew Dreschel is a back-to-back winner! The system worked, ladies and gents! THE! SYSTEM! WORKED!

…

Well, it looks like we’re not doing Giant Peg Board, so Brian Arnold’s record is safe for another year.

Oh, uh…it turns out that American Ninja Warrior has two YouTube accounts, one for Esquire and one for NBC. I only had the Esquire one, which is why I missed the first showing of USA vs. The World 2. If you haven’t already, check your links to make sure you don’t miss out again.

[EllisDee]

I noticed that Esquire on my cable system said “No Data”, which is how channels appear when in dispute with Cablevision and not currently being aired. So I turned to the channel, and instead of a typical dispute message like “They are charging crazy amounts so we can’t offer this channel to you right now,” Esquire shows “Esquire is no longer available.” What?

Some googling turned up this:

Esquire network will transition from cable to online channel

January 18, 2017 9:07pm

NEW YORK (AP) — Esquire Network said Wednesday it is shutting down as a cable channel and will transition into a digital online outlet.

The Esquire online network will launch this spring, around the time the cable channel goes dark.

The TV channel had struggled as major cable providers dropped it from their lineups.

A partnership of NBCUniversal and Hearst Magazines, the network began in 2013 in a rebranding of what had been Style Network. It was conceived as a TV brand extension of Hearst’s young-men-oriented Esquire magazine.

So is that youtube channel their entire existence now, or is there also somewhere else? Technically it’s not Spring yet, though, so maybe more is still to come?

[DCnDC]

@MaxTheVool

In other news, Netflix has released a trailer for what is clearly a clone of ANW with an even sillier name: Ultimate Beastmaster. Looks pretty awesome. (But wtf is Sylvester Stallone doing there?)

I watched a few episodes of this the other day. Slightly different format, with a points system to determine who moves on, two highest scores remaining compete head-to-head for the $10k. It’s just okay.

My wife and I both wondered whether they were going to have to battle Marc Singer at the end, but he has yet to make an appearance.

[MaxTheVool]

@DCnDC

I watched a few episodes of this the other day. Slightly different format, with a points system to determine who moves on, two highest scores remaining compete head-to-head for the $10k. It’s just okay.

My wife and I both wondered whether they were going to have to battle Marc Singer at the end, but he has yet to make an appearance.

Yeah, I watched the whole thing. It was OK…

The good:
-Some really creative obstacles, particularly some things that are motorized with ANW never has
-I really think they did a good job with the international flavor and trash talking
-I like the idea of optional things you can try to reach for extra points… not sure precisely how that would translate over to ANW, where it’s basically just complete-or-not

The bad:
-It was immediately obvious that climbers would win. And climbers won.
-Pursuant to that, and given my desire for international trash talking success, it was a total waste that so many of the USA competitors were swimmers and cheerleaders and former NFL players and whatnot. Sorry, you will not be winning.
-A lot of the obstacles felt kind of similar. Far more “jump as far as you can and try to land on something” type obstacles than ANW, far fewer finesse/balance osbtacles
-A lot of the graphics and explanations were kind of bad. For instance, how exactly did the magnetic climbing wall work? Was it purely random?

Unsure:
-Not sure how I feel about people advancing who don’t actually complete the course. I mean, it’s obviously very idiosyncratic of ANW that once you’re at Mt. Midoriyama, if no one can beat a stage, well, then, no one gets to even try the next stage. But it does feel like it somehow cheapens things
-Again, maybe this just comes from ANW, but there are at least a few obstacles where you can fall off… and keep going, as long as your safety harness keeps you from hitting the ground.
Overall, worth watching, but not, so far, better than ANW.

[DKW]

Heads-up…there’s been a change of plans. The second season of Team Ninja Warrior (not College Madness, that was…something different) will kick off on the USA Network on April 18. Already got my DVR set up.

For some reason I can’t even begin to fathom, it starts at 10:00 PM, at least where I live. I’ll be on vacation that week so I’ll be able to watch it live; the recap, unfortunately, will have to wait until the following morning. (I expect to have a lot to talk about.)

[DKW]

There are 4 more teams this time, which apparently translates to a 7th prelim and only one wild in the semis.

Obstacles:

1. Sonic Swing - unchanged from College Madness
2. Ring of Fire - now has two gaps
3. Swing Jump - unchanged
4. Floating Tiles - changed from 3-2-3-2 to 2-1-2-1. The solo tiles are bigger than the pairs.
5. Flying Shelf Grab - A jump to a bar, a swing to a narrow shelf, and two more swings to horizontal bars, the latter of which is shared by the competitors.
6. Warped Wall - Same beeh daah it always is!
7. Duelling Salmon Ladders - unchanged
8. Globe Graspers - unchanged
9. Invisible Ladder - like in the normal contest; 40’ high

Judging by the previews, more than one obstacle will change from week to week. Incidentally, USA didn’t bother to show Swing Jump or Floating Tiles in the intro, apparently assuming that everyone already knew about them or would just look them up online like a normal person. This, and a 10:00 PM start time. I’ve had numerous beefs about NBC and Esquire’s production values, but this just takes the cake.

TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PRELIM #1

Party Time: Jake Murray, Jennifer Tavernier, Brian Arnold
Given how much they’re being trumped up as the “defending champions” (boy, the announcers sure do love misusing that term no matter which network they’re on at the moment), you could be forgiven for thinking that they’re a Wisconsin-esque terrifying invincible juggernaut. Personally, I never got the impression of overwhelming dominance. They didn’t have the strongest leadoff man (Chris Wilczewski), the strongest woman (Meagan Martin), or the strongest anchor (Daniel Gil), and only had the third best overall record. Remember, too, that they needed an alternate to get past the prelim. But credit where it’s due for beating the teams put in front of them and stepping up when it mattered. They’ve got every reason to be confident, but it looks like a lot of things will have to go their way for them to repeat.

Norcal Ninjas: Brian Kretsch, Anna Shumaker, David Campbell
Given the team’s dismal outing last time (1-5, and that one win was a complete gift), you can’t really fault Campbell for wanting to start fresh. Not much else to say other than that Kretsch “competed on every season of ANW”. Oh yeah, bigtime credentials right there.

Tre Amigos: Andrew Lowes, Melody Schofield, Tremayne Dortch
Unlikely to amount to much, but just the fact that the black hole of ineptitude known as Cassandra Dortch is out (she has to stay home to raise the baby…hey, whatever it takes!) should make this squad a lot easier on the eyes.

Golden Hearts: Grant McCartney, Natalie Duran, Neil Craver
Looked very strong in their prelim for 5 heats, and then a one-hit-wonder named Dan Polizzi robbed them blind. With a little more luck, look for them to be legitimate contenders.

= 1st match: Party Time vs. Norcal Ninjas =
__L: Murray vs. Kretsch - Kretsch takes a little water on Sonic Swing but lands safely. Both men get hung up on Ring of Fire, Kretsch in the first and Murray in the second. Kretsch gets free; Murray…doesn’t! He’s in there for an uncomfortably long time, and, despite a blazingly fast transition on Swing Jump, gives up a big lead. Kretsch handles Floating Tiles with ease, while Murray has to do a roll to avoid overshooting the landing area. Kretsch is on the first bar of Flying Shelf Grab. Kretsch…turns around and drops back down! Murray is on the bar and has no trouble reaching the shelf. Kretsch tries again…and again aborts the swing and drops! I can’t remember a time I’ve seen this kind of crisis of confidence in a NW special event! Kretsch finally gets going again, but misses the last transition and goes straight down. Murray touches down safely and, oh heck, he’s so fired up he’d probably go up the wall no matter what. It looked like Kretsch flat-out choked here, giving a gift to a team that hardly needs any. Murray/distance
__W: Tavernier vs. Shumaker - One of the stronger women against…a total rookie. Who says in her preview video, “No matter who I run up against, I’m going to hit the buzzer first.” Man, I’m so glad I’m not the guy who has to make the horse race narratives. Tavernier, as we’ve seen so often before, takes the early lead, but gets caught in the second gap in Ring of Fire. Shumaker does as well, but frees herself on the first attempt. Tavernier needs a second, and Shumaker takes a slim lead. Tavernier handles Swing Jump a little better, but Shumaker is faster out and is first to Floating Tiles. Tavernier…hesitates for some reason, allowing Shumaker to get through unopposed. Finally Tavernier gets on…and completely misses the last tile, doing a complete front 360 on the cables! Incredibly, she manages to hang onto the tile and pull herself up, but the clock is ticking, and worse, her shirt is torn. Like a trooper, she strips off her shirt (I am not looking forward to all the crap I’m going to read about that on YouTube, believe you me) and proceeds to Flying Shelf Grab, but it’s hopeless; Shumaker completes the obstacle and, after taking a while to size up the wall, gets up on the first crack. It’s been a damn long time since I’ve seen a woman’s heat this exciting! Shumaker/finish
__A: Arnold vs. Campbell - Campbell blazes out of the gate and opens up a slim lead through Sonic Swing. Neither man has any trouble with Ring of Fire. Both eschew the bar in Swing Jump, going it “Tarzan style” to save time (I have a feeling we’re going to be seeing that a lot this contest); Arnold’s a little stronger and closes the gap. They continue the breakneck pace through Floating Tiles, Campbell going first and Arnold matching him step for…he’s down! Arnold is down! He just plain lost his balance, grabbed the landing platform but couldn’t stop his momentum, and down he went! Campbell proceeds to completely botch the jump on Flying Shelf Grab, but it’s meaningless now. He looks confused for a while until Kretsch spells it out for him: “You won! You won!” Campbell/distance
NORCAL NINJAS WINS

Hell of a start! Never thought I’d reach the “super terrified about reading too much into this” point this early!

= 2nd match: Tre Amigos vs. Golden Hearts =
__L: Lowes vs. McCartney - McCartney is near-flawless all the way through, and Lowes’ fate is quickly sealed when he finds both Ring of Fire gaps. McCartney/finish
__W: Schofield vs. Duran - Gbajabiamila bills this “The Instagram star vs. the YouTube star”. Oh yeah, that’s a real selling point. :rolleyes: It’s a quick affair, as Schofield makes the #1 supreme grand mal full burner rookie mistake we’ve seen far too often, making too weak a jump on the second Sonic Swing rope swing. Predictably, she barely gets her feet on the edge of the landing area, doesn’t make it, goes back, makes a second push, and doesn’t make it again, and air resistance takes care of the rest. We’ve seen so many shots of these competitors developing killer guns and six-pack abs; you think giving the legs some attention might be a better idea? Duran/distance
__A: Dortch vs. Craver - “Crazy” is a double-edged sword; there’s a fine line between gutsy and foolhardy, which Craver quickly demonstrates on Ring of Fire. He gets caught in the second gap, and instead of trying to get out, goes for the dismount right then and there. He comes up short, and Dortch, who also got caught in the second gap, just has to patiently work his way out and to safety. Dortch/distance
Cut to commercial while the teams decide on the tiebreaker matchup. Dortch is an obvious choice, but I think Golden Hearts has an interesting call. Of course McCartney had the much better heat, but there is another round after this, and it’s best to spread the wealth around and not overburden anyone.
__T: Dortch vs. McCartney - Let’s hear it for crass capitalism! Both men are dead even through Sonic Swing. McCartney is clean through Ring of fire, while Dortch gets trapped in the second gap again. Dortch hustles to catch up on Swing Jump, and his feet make a big splash on the net. McCartney maintains his lead through Floating Tiles as Dortch hesitates due to his wet feet. Dortch is better on pure upper-body tasks and closes the gap again on Flying Shelf Grab, but his feet hit the water again on the dismount. McCartney is slightly ahead at the wall, where Gbajabiamila pleads “Don’t slip, don’t slip!” Which, of course, is exactly what happens; Dortch, with no time to wipe his shoes, goes down flailing and McCartney strikes the final blow. I’m not sounding like a broken record just yet with “Wait, who’s the captain again?”, but I’m getting dangerously close. McCartney/finish
GOLDEN HEARTS WINS

= 3rd match: Tre Amigos vs. Norcal Ninjas
__L: Lowes vs. Kretsch - Kretsch hits the second gap in the ring of fire, then after about a split second, suddenly loses the handle and drops. A baffling error. Lowes/distance
__W: Schofield vs. Shumaker - Schofield is nimbler through Swing Jump, handles it with no trouble this time, and opens an early lead. That’s as close as she’d get, as she proceeds to get caught by both Ring of Fire gaps. Shumaker hits the second gap but quickly extricates herself, and she’s the first to Swing Jump. Shumaker smoothly makes it to the net. Schofield misses and has to try again. Shumaker is onto Floating Tiles. Shumaker can’t make the grab. She tries again…and fails again! Finally Schofield gets her feet on the net, but she’s completely horizontal and in no position to make the transition. And that’ll do it; Shumaker takes her time sealing the deal while Schofield finally runs out of chutzpah and sinks to defeat. Swinging, people! Practice your swinging! Why is this so hard to understand?? Schofield, undeterred, goes up the wall, and yeah, I’m thinking she’ll be one to watch in the future. Shumaker/distance
__A: Dortch vs. Campbell - A do-or-die matchup between two snakebitten captains with something to prove, and it’s a barn-burner…for about 12 seconds, which is where Dortch hits the second Ring of Fire gap and completely wipes out. Campbell powers through Swing Jump and Floating Tiles before realizing that his work is done. Campbell/distance
NORCAL NINJAS WINS

Dortch looks absolutely crushed. You could tell that he thought this time would go better, and he ends up with the same dismal outcome as last time. From what I’ve seen, he’s firmly in “good but not great” territory. He has plenty of athleticism, but just doesn’t have enough explosiveness to beat a Ryan Stratis or a Grand McCartney.

= 4th match: Golden Hearts vs. Party Time
Well, whaddya know, one episode in and we have our first “strategic adjustment”; Craver and McCartney will be swapping heats for this match.
__L: Craver vs. Murray - A blazing start with Murray taking the early lead. He hits the second Ring of Fire gap, leaps right for the landing area, and…and…gets it! Man, that was close! Craver hit the first gap and needs some time to get out. Murray is smooth through Swing Jump then…oh my FSM, did that really happen?? He jumps straight to the first solo tile, then jumps straight to the second solo tile, then bounds to the landing pad, and he’s through! Craver hustles hard and catches up, and they’re even…Murray skips the last bar on Flying Shelf Grab AND MAKES IT! And of course the wall is a piece of cake after all that. Man, this is just not fair! Murray/finish
__W: Duran vs. Tavernier - Duran sets a brisk pace, needing a brief pause to escape the second Ring of Fire gap, and…oh wow, she grabbed the rope with one hand, held out the other, and grabbed the net…and she’s through! Impressive strength from a woman! Tavernier looks clumsy on the same obstacle, nearly getting inverted. Duran is quick through Floating Tiles and begins Flying Shelf Grab. Tavernier…oh, a hard bellyflop on the second solo tile! And that’s the nail in the coffin; Duran, with a huge lead, has all the time to size up her run and make her first attempt count. Man, I honestly had no idea she was this good! Benefit of an opponent who can avoid tripping over her own feet, I guess. Duran/finish
__A: McCartney vs. Arnold - Twice before Arnold has come up to the plate in a win-or-go-home situation and prevailed. Will the third time be the opposite-of-charm? It’s a blazing start, McCartney looking fresh as ever, getting through Ring of Fire cleanly…and Arnold gets caught in the second gap! (Man, that’s been a killer today; hardly anybody had trouble with the first gap.) Arnold makes an impressive swing to the landing area, but the damage is done. McCartney is off to the races, and even Arnold’s upper-body mastery on Flying Shelf Grab can’t save him. McCartney/finish
GOLDEN HEARTS WINS

So that’s it, Party Time is done, history, kaput, finished, no wild card, no second chance, no reprieve, they’re just plain out of it on the very first day of competition. Man. You think someone’s going to be bitter that Iseman and Gbajabiamila only had one lousy day to spew out this “defending champs” tripe?

= Final: Golden Hearts (Duran, McCartney, Craver) vs. Norcal Ninjas (Shumaker, Kretsch, Campbell) =
Kretsch and Craver are the only ones who haven’t’ looked bad, but they’re weren’t hopeless, just overmatched. This is a great matchup which honestly could go either way.

Duran and Shumaker looked good so far against inferior competition, but now comes their first real test. Duran is slightly faster through Sonic Swing, then just gets caught in the second Ring of Fire gap but powers out. Shumaker has a little more trouble with the same gap and loses a little more ground. Duran does the same one-and-one transition she did in her match against Tavernier and pulls further away. She makes the tag, and McCartney takes off like a rocket. Shumaker is fighting hard but just can’t keep up with her opponent.

Finally Kretsch is able to get started, but he’s clearly in over his…wait a minute, is he catching up on Flying Shelf Grab? Brian Kretsch an upper body virtuoso, whoda thunk! Both skip the last bar, McCartney maintaining a small lead up the wall. Now Craver, desperate for redemption, begins the final leg; Campbell gets the tag about 4 seconds later. They’re fighting hard, they’re almost neck and neck, they’re…

…aw, geez…you hate to see a fantastic matchup end like this. Fun fact: Campbell is 38 years old and his stamina isn’t what it used to be, and while that wasn’t an issue in his first two runs…well, it is now. Craver, no longer matched up with a superhuman barn-burning terror, smoothly goes up the ladder and across the globes. He just beats Campbell to Invisible Ladder, and that’s as close as it’d ever get, as Campbell is just plain spent as this point. Craver continues his inexorable pace and makes it official unopposed.
GOLDEN HEARTS WINS

MVP picks: Entire Golden Hearts team…for different reasons. Duran was by far the best woman out there today, proving it beyond any shadow of doubt in the Relay Showdown. McCartney was simply a juggernaut, and stepping up for the captain…and prevailing…has to be worth big points in anyone’s book. And Craver, yeah, not the greatest start, but credit for stepping up when it mattered. Once he no longer had the weight of the world on his shoulders, he showed just how strong he really is.

Good competition today! Hope it keeps up!

[MaxTheVool]

@DKW

Good competition today! Hope it keeps up!

Thanks for the excellent summary as always. This was a good, exciting episode. I feel like they may end up scratching the bottom of the barrel a bit in order to get 28 total teams, but… fingers crossed.

(And the rookie woman was pretty darn good… up the warped wall your first time on TV is nothing to sneeze at.)

[DKW]

Hey, no problem, muh man. I’ve said it before, NW is my thing now. It’s the rare reality TV show I can watch and joy despite the irritating parts. Not sure how long it’s going to last, but you can bet I’ll ride this horse as long as it can go.

I’m not concerned about the number of contestants so much as finding the right ones. I mean, USC has one of the biggest, richest college athletic programs in the nation, and they put a complete schlub like Danny Ayala in the anchor spot? In the regular event, where the captain can choose anyone he wants, there’s even less excuse.

[MaxTheVool]

Wow, I did not expect that:

The Mega-Crushers seemed like an absolute powerhouse… the second best woman, one of the top 5 men, and another very solid man. But they went down fair and square to a team which, if I remember correctly, only hit one buzzer in 6 runs.

Travis Rosen continues to be consistent as always, but the real surprise was his other guy, whose name I’m suddenly blanking on, who was super-solid on each of his runs.

[DKW]

I had to fact-check a bunch of stuff tonight, so feel free to correct me if I got anything wrong. (I know, I know, don’t everyone get up at once! :D)

For starters, it looks like #5 is the only one that’s changing. Dangit. Was hoping for some variety for a change.

Pretty much everyone (male and female) is doing Swing Jump “Tarzan style” now, so I’m not going to point it out anymore unless someone flubs it really badly. Hint hint hint.

TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PRELIM #2

Fifth obstacle: Bungee Road - A row of 4 bungees followed by a wide downward-tilted pole suspended on two chains. The pole is over the water, so the contestants will need to get a good swing, and with just the upper body, to safely dismount. (This didn’t come up at all in the intro, BTW, which I think was a really egregious omission; you’d think a detail like that would be kinda important, yannow?)

Mega Crushers: Dan Yager, Meagan Martin, Ian Dory
This was last year’s Team Midoryama, the difference this time being…erm…Meagan Martin is the “captain”. Yeah. That’s it. No, really, that’s the reason for the change. And no, that doesn’t mean that Martin is going to be running anchor now; don’t be ridiculous. Last year they made it to semis handily, demolished Stratis Faction in their first match in the semis, and then everything came down to a do-or-die anchor heat, Ian Dory vs. Travis Rosen…and Dory came up a bit short. Although they finished a highly respectable 8-4, you could definitely feel the disappointment. Martin was a perfect 4-0, so she’ll have no trouble pulling her weight; the big question mark this time is Yager (1-3). Can he step it up enough to put this very-good-but-not-great team over the hump?

Team Tarzan: Travis Weinand, Rose Wetzel, Ben “Tarzan” Melick
Last year the Lance Pekus-led Wild Bunch wiped out in astounding fashion, going 0-6 with not one of those heats being even close. Now Melick and Wetzel hope that removing the weak link will make them less of an embarrassment. They almost have to do better this time, but do they have a prayer against this strong a field?

The Wings: David Yarter, Melanie Hunt, Thomas Stillings
The first completely new team. In the preview, Stilling says “You guys better be watching your backs, otherwise you’ll be watching ours.” Ooh, them sounds like fighting words! Basic cable-acceptable fighting words, but fighting words nonetheless!

Team TNT: Brett Sims, Marybeth Wang, Travis Rosen
Last year the 42-year-old Travis Rosen was The Anchor Nobody Wants To Meet, seemingly overmatched ahead but somehow always turning it up just enough to beat his opponent, seemingly at will. Until his fatal tumble in the championship match, you could never say that he was out of it. Look for more of the same this time, and if his new supporting cast can rise to the challenge, count on this being The Team Nobody Wants To Meet, Except Maybe Party Time, But They’re Out Already, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

= 1st match: Mega Crushers vs. Team Tarzan =
In the intro, Martin mentions that she was perfect last year, and if you forget that, don’t worry, Iseman and Gbajabiamila will be happy to remind you!
__L: Yager vs. Weinand - Yager flawlessly avoids both Ring of Fire gaps (a true rarity), while Weinand finds the first gap, and Yager takes a sizable lead. Both men keep a brisk pace through Swing Jump and Floating Tiles, and the lead stays the same. Yager quickly crosses the bungees, gets on the pole, easily shimmies to the end…and then, trouble. He needs to build up forward momentum to reach the landing, but he just can’t seem to time the pole’s movements correctly. Weinand continues apace and is on the pole, then completely catches up. Yager’s struggling…and he goes down! Which means that Weinand only needs to dismount cleanly to seal the comeback win. He’s looking, he’s moving…he can’t figure it out either and goes down as well! He throws his arms to the heavens in disbelief. Yager/speed
__W: Martin vs. Wetzel - Um, this “Wetzel” person give us any reason to think she has a prayer? No? Oh, well. Martin hits the first Ring of Fire gap, avoids the second but needs some time to dismount, and has a comfortable lead. She messes up the transition on Swing Jump but gets it the second time, and Wetzel can’t catch up. Martin showboats at floating tiles, almost doing a handstand, and her lead actually increases when she’s on Bungee Road. Sheesh. Megan makes it to the end of the pole without trouble, but runs into trouble…she is taking a long time to size up the jump, enough for Wetzel to completely catch up. Alas, that’s as close as she’d ever get, as she just doesn’t have the upper-body chops for this and gives in before even making it to the pole. THIS…IS…NOOOOT SPAAARRRTAAAAAAA!!! (Sorry…just this once, promise…) Martin makes a clean dismount and, visibly fatigued, eschews the wall. Martin/distance

Two heats in and I’m already having misgivings over that stupid pole.

Oh boy, a wild claim from Gbajabiamila! “We saw it last season. Teams that won this first round almost always made it to the Relay Showdown at the end.” Well, let’s do the math. Mmm…one steal in the second…another in the fifth…ooh, two in the first semi, I remember that…so, 12 out 16 total heats, a success rate of 75%. Considerable, but hardly “almost always” territory. The first College Madness was a little closer, 8 of 10, but being dominated by two powerhouses definitely skewed the results. At any rate, there’s no need for hyperbole here. Just say that if you win the first, thinks are looking very good for you, that’s plenty enough.

__A: Dory vs. Melick - Dory has faster feet and immediately opens up a lead. He’s in the second Ring of Fire gap but powers out. Melick hits the first gap, but frees himself and…hits the second gap! Dory wastes no time running away, and he wastes no time making me fume about there still being no fricking split screen. :mad: Melick just doesn’t seem to have an extra gear and he’s powerless to catch up. Dory waits a few seconds at the end of the pole, commits…and he’s safe! Melick’s barely on the bungees by the time Dory floats up the wall and gently taps the buzzer. Dory/finish
MEGA CRUSHERS WINS

Ooh, speed, distance, and finish…this match hit for the cycle! This is only the second time this has happened, the first being Expendabulls vs. Tre Amigos in the third prelim.

= 2nd match: The Wings vs. Team TNT =
__L: Yarter vs. Sims - Both are dead even through Sonic Swing. Yarter is completely clean through Ring of Fire but needs a couple extra swings to dismount; Sims hits the second gap but has no trouble with the dismount, and he’s in front. Sims has a much cleaner dismount at Swing Jump and the lead expands. Yarter…trips up on Floating Tiles and is in the water! Just like that! Sims, who was on the first bungee, exercises the better part of valor and drops back down. Sims/distance
__W: Hunt vs. Wang - Both get ensnarled by both gaps in Ring of Fire. Wang takes a while to get out (which Iseman euphemistically calls a “cautious approach”). Hunt takes a long, long, long while, and now Wang has a commanding lead. Which immediately becomes a winning lead as Hunt utterly botches the transition in Swing Jump, making a huge splash. Wang, unexpectedly, also makes a huge splash on Floating Tiles, but whatevs. Wang/distance
__A: Stillings vs. Rosen - Both men land in the second gap, say the heck with it, go for the dismount…and make it. Wow. They’re dead even through Swing Jump and Floating Ti…Stillings is down! He tried to match Rosen step for step, realizing too late that it’s impossible for TWO people to occupy ONE step; Rosen was first to the second solo tile and simply gave Stillings nowhere to go. Rosen/distance
TEAM TNT WINS

Two matches, two sweeps. Well, you know what this means…DOUBLE…wait, wait, wait…there already was a double steal last year, which means that the fans will be expecting it this time, meaning that it’s not going to happen. Well, you know what…hmm, no, not that either, too easy, and this contest is anything but easy. One steal. How’s that? Does that sound reasonable?

= 3rd match: Mega Crushers vs. The Wings =
__L: Yager vs. Yarter - Both men are going all out. Yager is faster and has the early lead. He hits the second Ring of Fire gap, goes right for the dismount…and he comes up short and flops into the water! Just tried to do too much, something of a bad habit with him. The Wings gets a freebie and a sliver of hope. Yarter/distance
__W: Martin vs. Hunt - Um, this “Hunt” person give us any reason to think she has a prayer? No? Oh, well. Martin is a bit clumsy in the early going but still is well in front after Swing Jump. Hunt again is utterly clueless on Swing Jump, going full horizontal like Melody Schofield last week. Somehow she figures it out and works her way past Floating Tiles, but Martin is already at the wall at that point. It mercifully ends when Hunt, completely out of miracles, slips off the bungees and gets wet. Martin was still at the wall (and in fact missed her first attempt), but she wasn’t going to disappoint the crowd again. Martin/distance
__A: Dory vs. Stillings - Dory knows as well as anyone that you can never get complacent in this contest. He dealt the final blow to a 1-4 team in last year’s prelims; can he do it again? He has a slim lead going into Ring of Fire. Both get caught in the second gap…and Stillings makes a successful dismount from there! He lacks blazing speed, however, and Dory is able to close the gap. Onto Floating Tiles. Stillings is first this time and makes it cleanly, but Dory has stronger arms and not only catches up but passes him on Bungee Road. Both make a quick dismount, so it’s coming down to a trophy dash on Warped Wall. They’re up…they grab the top at nearly the same time…and…Stillings is quicker to his feet and hits the buzzer first! The upset is complete! Agility prevails over…not as much agility! Stillings/finish
THE WINGS WINS

Dammit, I feel for Martin. Still perfect, and it means jack squat if the anchor can’t pull through in the clutch.

= 4th match: Team TNT vs. Team Tarzan =
__L: Weinand vs. Sims - Sims is quicker and more nimble; this one’s effectively done by Swing Jump. Ooh, handstand push-ups, that’s a classic. Sims/finish
__W: Wang vs. Wetzel - Wetzel struggles a bit with Ring of Fire; Wang has an incredible struggle (she fails to extricate herself from the second gap about six times) and surrenders a big lead. Wetzel takes a little water on Swing Jump, eliciting a “Don’t slip…don’t slip!” from Gbajabiamila as she heads to Floating Tiles. (He must really hate slipping, and honestly, I don’t blame him. Broken clock.) She doesn’t, but it looks like she’s already run out of gas. Wang is able to completely catch up as she stands there panting. Wang has to pause for breath too, and Wetzel is on Bungee Road first. Wang has better upper body strength and catches up. And…oh my. This is something we haven’t seen in a while. On the last bungee, both women start getting sideways, and eventually they get so sideways that they’re flying all over the place. It’s completely hopeless, and both meekly surrender to the inevitable. Wetzel gets the deke for superior prior execution. Wetzel/speed
__A: Rosen vs. Melick - Melick is a dismal 0-3 all-time, and two of those losses have been at the anchor position. Does he have any chance against the living legend of NW? Rosen gets off to a fast start and has a small lead, which becomes a huge lead when he gets through Ring of Fire cleanly. (Seriously, the first anchor who can do this consistently is going to own this event, mark my words.) Make it a super-huge lead as Melick hits both gaps. Rosen stumbles out of Floating Tiles but stays dry. Iseman whimpers “But it’s never over!” No, that would be three seconds later, when Melick…whose nickname is becoming less and less appropriate by the flippin’ minute…makes a feeble push off of Swing Jump, fails to reach the net, and slips into the water because he, like everyone else, didn’t use the bar. (Still think “Tarzan style” a 100% perfect technique? :D) Since he’s in the water up to his waist and not standing on the apparatus he’s supposed to, it’s over at that point…I think. Rosen makes it academic by powering through Bungee Road and trotting up the wall. Rosen/going to call it distance
TEAM TNT WINS

I don’t know what’s wrong with Melick, but it’s become abundantly clear that TNW is not his game. In fact, he seems to drag down every team he’s on. I’d be surprised if he came back in the third season and downright shocked if Wetzel ever wanted anything to do with him again.

Ooh, another first AND second! This is the first day of the regular TNW that ended without a single tiebreaker. The first ever, of course, was the final of the inaugural College Madness.

= Final: Team TNT (Wang, Rosen, Sims) vs. The Wings (Hunt, Stillings, Yarter) ==
Iseman says it’s “interesting” that the “captains” have chosen to run the 2nd leg instead of the 3rd. I…eh…hey, whatever. Ya picks yer horse and ya bets yer money. Anyway, the middle section requires a mix of speed, agility, and upper-body strength, while the final trio is, to borrow a term from Gbajabiamila, “an upper body blaster” (and even more so now with Invisible Ladder replacing Tower Climb). An effective anchor is more likely to be an all-around athlete than a Jack robot from Tekken, so why not put him where he’ll do the most good?

Both Wang and Hunt reach Ring of Fire at the same time. Hunt knows Swing Jump is her nemesis, so you know she’s going to…

…aw, hell no. Both hit the second gap. Wang holds on. Hunt doesn’t. Iseman informs us that Stillings will be saddled with a 10-second penalty if Wang stays dry, which she does. Gbajabiamila, good soldier to the end, tries to keep up the horse race narrative, but it’s all but over as a contest. Rosen gets the tag and dashes off. (Another Gbajabiamila howler: “10 seconds feels like a long time.” Feels like? Feels like?? EFFIN’ FEELS LIKE, YOU BRAIN-DEAD HOWLER MONKEY???) Rosen is nearly at the end of the bungees before Stillings can take his first step. To his credit, he runs like a champ, determined to fight to the bitter end, but Rosen is smooth as silk, no stumbles, no errors, no letting his foes back in it. Sims, not one to get complacent, pauses a bit, then tears up the ladder; that was some Mike Bernado-esque speed there! Yarter almost closes the gap…briefly…a little bit…but Sims promptly opens up a new one. He’s setting an impressive pace through…

…aaaaand, that’ll do it. Yarter’s grip gives out and it’s a straight drop to defeat. That’s two falls from the same team in the Relay Showdown, another first in a day that had seemingly run out. Sims, not knowing or caring about his rival’s fate, ascends Invisible Ladder at an impressive pace and makes it doubly official.

Credit The Wings for not giving in to pressure and never throwing in the towel even after getting skunked in their first match, and credit Stillings especially for pulling through in the clutch when it mattered the most, but it was painfully clear that they were way, WAY in over their heads at this point.
TEAM TNT WINS

MVP picks: Sims, Martin, Stillings (Oh…this is just the second time the recipients were from three different teams; the first was last year’s prelim #3. Boy, that was a weird day.)

[DKW]

Before I begin, a bit about winning the first round being such a huge advantage that Iseman continually insists on. Yes, the whole point is to reward the winner by placing them against a weaker team. And that works just fine if being weaker was the reason those teams lost. That, as you may have noticed, is often not the case. Sometimes a team doesn’t have a good feel for the course the first time around, sometimes they’re not fully warmed up, sometimes they need to work out nerves, and sometimes they just get unlucky. And guess what, some athletes handle elimination pressure better than others! Which makes dominating the first match and coming up short in the second not at all unusual, and vice versa. Bottom line is, anyone who thinks that having a “weaker team” in the second round is all it’s going to take to avoid fluke winners, bizarre turnarounds, and screams of foul is severely misguided.

Something to keep in mind for today’s barn-burner of an episode…

TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PRELIM #3

Average Jo Jo’s: Jimmy Bogle Jr., Kirsti Pratt, JoJo Bynum
Still not quite sure 1. what’s so “average” about these guys, or 2. how being “average” is supposed to be a good thing. The preview has Bynum deliver the biggest howler I’ve heard in a while, regarding Pratt: “Jessie Graff, Meagan Martin, I put her right there on that level.” Uh, sure, whatever it takes to get you through this.

G-Force: Jesse La Flair, Jessie Graff, Nicholas Coolridge
Last year I thought they were better than the record indicated; a couple more breaks and they could’ve easily made the Relay Showdown. Coolridge is coming off an amazing clutch performance at the second all-star event’s team competition; look for him to parlay that triumph in to a better all-around effort and make his team the one to beat. Graff is a superstar now, easily the face of the competition, and you can bet that more than a few NBC higher-ups will be rooting strongly for her.

Think Tank: Noah Kaufman, Asya Grechka, Matt Wilder
Last year they romped a hopelessly out of it Wild Bunch, caught a break when Karson Voiles was forced to be a hero one too many times, then proceeded to quietly fade away in the Relay Showdown. Now they’re hoping that a strategic swap will…reset their energy. Or something. Hey, no dumber than any other sports superstition!

Superhero Squad: Sean Darling-Hammond, Rachel Goldstein, Jamie Rahn
Rahn had a forgettable outing last time; in fact were it not for The Decision Far Stupider Than Anything Lebron James Ever Did, I probably would’ve forgotten it altogether. He’s a force no matter what, but will his new sidekicks step it up?

Fifth obstacle: Bar Hop - A fixed horizontal bar, a free bar nestled in a pair of cradles that has to be jumped to another pair of cradles, then the same again. The first of each pair is blocked off at the front, the second at the back.

= 1st match: Average Jo Jo’s vs. G-Force =
__L: Bogle Jr. vs. La Flair - La Flair is known for his speed and doesn’t waste a moment taking the early lead on Sonic Swing. He practically flies past the first gap on Ring of Fire, then hits the second, but he has so much forward momentum that he simply dismounts from there and makes it easily. Now Bogle Jr. has to…regroup, as he loses the handle the instant he hits the second gap. La Flair is charging so hard that he’s past Swing Jump before he realizes his opponent’s fate. La Flair/distance
__W: Pratt vs. Graff - Make your own woman’s-heat-hopeless-mismatch snark; I’m all out. Pratt shows remarkable speed and is the first to Ring of Fire. She gets caught in the first gap but gets out quickly and evades the second. Graff gets caught in the second but gets out quickly…and needs a couple more swings to dismount! Pratt maintains a fast pace through Swing Jump, but Graff is right behind…and she’s too low and her feet hit the water! (Having established beyond any shadow of doubt that, yes, there are disadvantages to Tarzan Style, this is the last time I will mention it. You’re welcome. :)) Pratt has no trouble with Floating Tiles; Graff needs to be a little tentative due to her wet feet and now has a major deficit. Pratt is now on the third pair of cradles, and she’s thinking of going for the dismount, while Graff is still at the second fixed bar…and she goes for the dismount! And MAKES IT! (Having established this as The Move of the day, I’ll only mention it again if someone doesn’t do it.) Pratt knows she has to hustle, goes for the dismount, and makes it as well. Graff is the first to the wall but has to take time to wipe her shoes. Pratt is first up…just short! Graff is about to make her first run, but she stops short; still not enough traction. They both go at the same time, Pratt’s second, Graff’s first. Graff comes up short! Pratt…is up! YES! SOMETHING THE SOMETHING SOMETHING BEATS THE SUPERSTAR SOMETHING SOMETHING! I’M NOT UP ON ALL THESE NICKNAMES, SUE ME! (Gbajabiamila: “Check out Pratt, on her first time to the wall, she nails it!” You moronic…un-freaking…I don’t even… :mad:) Pratt/finish
__A: Bynum vs. Coolridge - Another choice Bynum quote: “All love in fair and war.” Mike Tyson couldn’t have said it better. Coolridge gets off to a blazing start. He avoids the first Ring of Fire gap, hits the second, goes right for the dismount…and he’s in the water!..but he got his hands on the landing area and pulled himself out…so…that means he can continue? Apparently it does, as Bynum continues undeterred. Coolridge recovers quickly, eschew the bar at Swing Jump like everyone else…and his hands slip and he’s in the water again! He somehow managed to get a grip on the bar so he’s not out yet, but now Bynum is running unopposed. Bynum looks clumsy near the end of Floating Tiles but stays up. Now Bar Hop, and with a huge lead he just has to execute; no need for fancy moves or heroics. He’s up, he’s on the first pair of cradles…he completely screws up the first jump and splashes down! Meanwhile Coolridge has somehow managed to extricate himself from doom. He needs to complete Bar Hop to win, but now has all the time in the world. Okay, transition to the net…Iseman notes that he’s not using his forearms for some reason, a bad sign. On to Floating Tiles, and…no problem; heck, he looked better than Bynum! So now it’s one obstacle to decide it all, an unforgiving upper-body challenge. He’s at the second fixed bar, goes for The Move…and…yes! Back from the dead twice to rise to triumph! Oh, and to add insult to injury, he takes off his shoes and goes up the wall, something else Bynum couldn’t do. Coolridge/distance
G-FORCE WINS

Man, what a wild opener. Seriously, this isn’t like College Madness at all.

= 2nd match: Think Tank vs. Superhero Squad =
__L: Kaufman vs. Darling-Hammond - Kaufman runs to an early lead, which grows when he’s able to quickly get out of the first Ring of Fire Gap while Darling-Hammond gets caught in both gaps. Darling-Hammond isn’t especially powerful and is playing catch-up the entire way, and despite his best efforts it looks like he doesn’t have a chance. Kaufman is the first to the wall, and even on final, desperate dash from…Kaufman comes up short! Kaufman comes up short! And Darling-Hammond makes good on his first attempt! Man, I did not see that coming! Darling-Hammond/finish
__W: Grechka vs. Goldstein - Grechka gets off to a pretty good start, which turns into an absolute debacle when she finds the second Ring of Fire gap. It takes her no fewer than eight attempts to free herself, by which time Goldstein is nearly done with Swing Jump. Goldstein looks awkward on Floating Tiles but remains clean. Which would be plenty enough, as Grechka misfoots the third step and splashes down. Goldstein/distance
__A: Wilder vs. Rahn - Last season Rahn faced an 0-2 hole in his first match. The view from the other end certainly looks much nicer, but can he do his part and close the deal? Both men are dead even through the first to obstacles. They hit the net at the same time; Wilder is more agile and is the first to Floating Tiles. And then…he…just…gets…faster. And faster. Rahn is helpless as his foe breezes…breezes, I tell you!..through Bar Hop, then nonchalantly tears up the wall. Wilder/finish

Not envying Superhero Squad right now. They’re in a fix we’ve seen a few times, where the other side’s top guy is SO dominant, SO powerful, SO superhuman, that it makes little difference who you throw up against him. The smart thing to do would be to give it to Darling-Hammond, even though he pretty much doesn’t have a prayer; give him more practice time, avoid wearing out the star, and hope it pays off in the money round. Heck, Rahn was the one who took out Karson Voiles, so he knows the consequences of going to the well too many times.

__T: Wilder vs. Darling-Hammond - Yep, yep, and yep. And predictably, the 37-year-old Wilder shows not the tiniest hint of fatigue whatsoever and casually blows the doors off of his pitiful foe. I’m tempted to break out the old “I’m sorry, who’s the captain again?” line, but in this case I think “I’m sorry, who’s the superhero again?” would be more appropriate. Wilder/finish
THINK TANK WINS

In three matches so far, Wilder is now 5-0 in heats. If he ever gets on a good team, look out!

= 3rd match: Superhero Squad vs. G-Force=
__L: Darling-Hammond vs. La Flair - La Flair is a little wild on the Ring of Fire dismount but is quickly back up, while Darling-Hammond hits both gaps and is struggling. Darling-Hammond, desperate to catch up, rushes the Swing Jump transition and his feet make a big splash. La Flair maintains a slim lead through the next two obstacles and both do The Move successfully, so it comes down to a shootout at the wall. They go up…and Darling-Hammond’s wet feet betray him and he goes down, while La Flair conquers easily. Man, it’s been a while since Warped Wall has been such a factor! La Flair/finish
__W: Goldstein vs. Graff - It looks like the pressure is just too much for Goldstein. She’s sloppy on Sonic Swing, taking a fair amount of water on the second rope, and any hope for a decent contest dies when she gets sideways on Ring of Fire and misses the landing area completely. Graff/distance
__A: Coolridge vs. Rahn - A day that started out with such promise for Rahn has made a turn for the catastrophic, and now it looks like he’ll literally have to be a superhero to avoid a second untimely exit. Both men charge out of the gate, have no trouble with Ring of Fire, and are on to Swing Jump. Rahn…is through several seconds sooner than Coolridge and is now bounding through Floating Tiles! Coolridge catches up on Bar Hop, the both pull The Move, and it’s another shootout at the wall…it’s going to be close…and…it’s Rahn by under a second! Rahn/finish

So Rahn finds himself in the exact same predicament as last time. Of course he’s not going to try another Cook-Venuti stunt (I will go to my damn grave without ever getting an explanation for that), especially against a powerhouse like Graff, which means that he has to be the man. He’s seen opponents who’ve had to carry the team on their backs, but he’s never had to do it himself. And of course G-Force is going to put in La Flair, so he also has to overcome a fresher opponent. So this is it, folks. Now we see how good Captain NBC really is. And as you may have surmised by me taking time out just for this, yeah, I’ve been waiting a DAMN long time for this!

__T: La Flair vs. Rahn - Rahn gets off to a blazingly fast start…and is clean through the Ring of Fire again! He’s the first person so far who’s hacked it twice in a row. And he just kicks it up a notch from there, tearing through the rest of the course in what I must assume is record time, while La Flair can do nothing but watch. Rahn/finish
SUPERHERO SQUAD WINS

Wowza. He stared humiliating defeat right in the eye and proceeded to run rings around it. Which means that both top women in the competition have been treated to early exits. Sure as heck hope USA doesn’t write these things too far in advance, if you know what I mean.

= 4th match: Think Tank vs. Average Jo Jo’s =
__L: Kaufman vs. Bogle Jr. - Kaufman is a little slow out of the gate but quickly powers to an early lead. Bogle Jr. hits both gaps and is losing ground. But Kaufman looks hesitant for some reason, and his foe remains in striking distance. Bogle Jr. steadily works his way through Floating Tiles…and falls! I couldn’t even see where he went wrong, he just plan flubbed it. Kaufman completes Bar Hop, looks back, and decides enough is enough. Kaufman/distance
__W: Grechka vs. Pratt - Pratt needs a couple extra swings but doesn’t have trouble with Ring of Fire, while Grechka is stymied by the first gap. Pratt misses the first transition on Swing Jump but makes good on the second. Grechka finally is past the ring but has a little trouble getting off the net. Pratt easily handles Floating Tiles and has a decent lead going into Bar Hop, but it looks like she’s slowing down a bit. Grechka is on Bar Hop, while Pratt takes a long time to make the first hop. She makes it to the second fixed bar, briefly considers The Move, then thinks better of it and grabs the second moving bar. Grechka grabs for the second moving bar…and whiffs! Pratt finally completes the obstacle, and with her fate now completely in her hands, she makes good on the first crack this time and completes a very satisfying day. Definitely looking forward to seeing her in the regular contest! (Hey, that’s another one! :D) Pratt/finish
__A: Wilder vs. Bynum - Three times Bynum came up inches short, but he can erase all that disappointment with a crunch-time win here. Can he do it? He looks good early, he’s the first through Ring of Fire, he’s setting a fast pace…aw, no. He gets to Floating Tiles just ahead of Wilder, then…stops. Seriously, he stands there and lets his opponent go first, not even trying to challenge him. Of course Wilder’s not going to waste a golden opportunity like that, and he pretty much laughs his way to victory. Wilder/finish
THINK TANK WINS

Hate to say it, but Bynum looked below average today, especially given the level of competition we’ve seen so far. I’d be surprised if we saw him in TNW again; I can’t imagine who’d want to be saddled with an anchor like him.

= Final: Think Tank (Grechka, Kaufman, Wilder) vs. Superhero Squad (Goldstein, Darling-Hammond, Rahn) ==
Goldstein is clumsier through Ring of Fire and Swing Jump, and Kaufman gets the tag several seconds ahead. He maintains a small lead through Floating Tiles and is soon onto the first moving bar in Bar Hop. Darling-Hammond gets on Bar Hop just as Kaufman reaches the second fixed bar. Darling-Hammond reaches for the first moving bar…and…pulls it off the cradle! Now he has no choice but to try to leap all the way to the second fixed bar, which of course is doomed to fail. So now Kaufman needs to do to give Wilder a 10-second lead and all but ice…

…HE MESSED UP THE MOVE! HE MESSED UP THE MOVE! His feet were on the landing area, but his center of gravity was too far back and he fell in the water! Meanwhile, Darling-Hammond finally commits, doesn’t come close, and splashes down.

And just like that, the exciting, freewheeling, nerves-constantly-on-edge Relay Showdown…has ground to a complete halt. Seriously, about half a minute passes while everyone tries to remember how they’re supposed to handle this. Okay…we have something? We’re good to go? All right. What happens is that both third-leggers restart at the same time; as there’s no tag, the restart will be decided by a 5-second countdown. Wow. I mean, you knew in your heart that this would come down to Wilder vs. Rahn, but I don’t think anyone anticipated it would be that in the most literal way possible.

All right, time out over! Let’s end this! Rahn handles the Salmon Ladder better, but Wilder has a better handle on the globes and…Rahn is slowing down! Wilder gets right on the ladder, he’s setting a good pace, and for crying out loud, does this guy EVER get tired??
THINK TANK WINS

MVP picks: Wilder, Wilder, Wilder. And Wilder. Also Wilder. Oh, almost forgot, Wilder. Did I mention Wilder?

Huh? Oh, right, I’m supposed to…blech…do I have to? Well, actually, I don’t, since this is my thing and all, but I’m nothing if not accommodating. Huuuuuhhhhh…[deep, deep sigh]. La Flair and Pratt. There you go. Hey, my second 3-way split in a row, wasn’t expecting that.

[DKW]

TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PRELIM #4

Well, this day was certainly…interesting. That’s really the best word I can use to describe it. Much explanation forthcoming.

Team Grit: Lance Pekus, Maggi Thorne, Kevin Bull
The Expendabulls were one of the best teams last year but were simply outclassed by Lab Rats. It’s debatable whether this squad is stronger or weaker, and it’ll depend a lot on whether Lance Pekus has learned from his past mistakes. Kevin Bull is always entertaining, and there will be plenty of fans rooting for a repeat trip to the semis.

Phoenix Force: Dan Galiczynski, Cassie Craig, Najee Richardson
Ummmm…uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…okay, seriously, I got nuthin’. Sometimes shut up and watch is just shut up and watch, y’know?

Iron Grip: Nate Burkhalter, Barclay Stockett, Daniel Gil
Daniel Gil was a terror last time, dealing the Lab Rats their only two losses en route to the final, but the complete lack of support from his supporting cast sunk him. He claims that he fixed that glaring mistake and is sure to win now that he’s no longer saddled with a couple of useless, pathetic, goldbricking deadweight bums. Not his exact words, of course.

Lab Rats: Chris Wilczewski, Michelle Warnky, Brian Wilczewski
Last year they had the best overall record (11-2) but ultimately got left in the dust by Brian Arnold in the second semis. The question is, were they really that good or just the beneficiary of fortuitous matchups? Today, against what certainly looks like tougher competition, we’re going to find out.
Oh, uh, Chris is the “captain”. Whatever. :rolleyes:

Fifth obstacle: Pole Grasper - Numerous poles hanging vertically downward.

= 1st match: Team Grit vs. Phoenix Force =
__L: Pekus vs. Galiczynski - Both men are even through Sonic Swing. Pekus hits only the first gap in Ring of Fire while Galiczynski finds both. Pekus maintains a steady pace through Swing Jump or Floating Tiles, clearing both easily, and is the first of the day to Pole Grasper. But Galiczynski is quicker on his feet and soon closes the gap…and…wow, that was fast. Just on the second pole, his grip completely gives out and he slides straight down. Pekus has the win no matter what, but he’s nice enough to get through the poles and hit the buzzer. Pekus/distance
__W: Thorne vs. Craig - Thorne has a slim lead through Sonic Swing. She fights her way through Ring of Fire…and…dang, that looked bad. She gets an incredibly clumsy swing on the dismount, hangs onto the hoop with her left hand for too long, and briefly gets a foot on the landing area before the rest of her body goes the wrong way. Craig has a lot of trouble with the obstacle but eventually makes good. Craig/distance
__A: Bull vs. Richardson - Both men come out charging, getting through Ring of Fire cleanly; Bull looks dangerously close to wiping out but stays dry. On to Swing Jump, where Bull misses the transition…and Richardson makes it, but his feet hit the water. His wet feet don’t bother him on Floating Tiles, and it’s on to Pole Grasper…and…holy crap, Bull is still on Swing Jump? One of the most clutch competitors we’ve ever seen has been hung out to dry! Richardson takes a while to clear the poles, but he has all the time in the world, and it’s a relaxing jaunt up the wall to triumph. Richardson/finish
PHOENIX FORCE WINS

A bit of a surprise in the opener, with Pekus staying cool as a cucumber and Bull flubbing a simple task. Just goes to show that you can never assume anything in this contest.

= 2nd match: Iron Grip vs. Lab Rats =
__L: Burkhalter vs. C.Wilczewski - Chez-1 gets off to a rough start, taking water on Sonic Swing and allowing Burkhalter to pass him. He retakes the lead after going from the dismount from the second Ring of Fire gap. (This requires perfect timing and a lot of forward momentum, so it doesn’t qualify as The Move, but it’s certainly something I’m starting to see more of.) Chez-1 easily powers through Swing Jump, and it looks like a real struggle for Burkhalter to keep up. His fate is sealed soon after, completely missing the second pair on Floating Tiles, stepping on the cable, and tumbling to defeat. C.Wilczewski/distance

Uh-oh…it’s never a good sign when someone’s post-victory smack talk is “On my run, I definitely pulled something.” The rerun shows Chez-1 getting off the poles and not looking too happy.

__W: Stockett vs. Warnky - Warnky’s a perfect 4-0 going into this event. While not in the same class as Jessie Graff or Meagan Martin, she’s definitely a tough matchup for anyone. She leads early, then they both get tied up on Ring of Fire. Stockett is a little less awkward and takes the lead. She’s not quite as fast through Swing Jump but still has the lead. On to Floating Tiles…and she effortlessly bounces through there like a cartoon character! Warnky manages to catch up on the poles, whereupon they get so close that they not only share a pole, but Stockett ends up stepping on Warnky’s thigh. (Given her expression, Warnky seems to be taking it in good humor.) Stockett seems to have found an extra gear, and she’s pushes ahead! Could The Streak (which is infinitely more impressive than The Undertaker’s due to TNW not being scripted) be over? Stockett is on the last pole. She’s the first one out! SHE GOES UP THE WALL! SHE!! HITS!! THE!!..

…wall. Her right hand comes up short by about a foot, and Warnky promptly shows her how it’s done. Sigh. Warnky/finish

__A: Gil vs. B.Wilczewski - Gil takes off. Gil roars to the lead. Gil never gives his pitiful foe a chance. Gil conquers. Gil dominates. Gil destroys. Seriously, what were you expecting?? Gil/finish

So the Lab Rats find themselves in the exact same predicament as last year, and if they had reason to be worried then, they should be mortally terrified now with Chez-1 in no shape to do the tiebreaker. I’m reminded of that passage in Romance of the Three Kingdoms where Lu Xun wails to the heavens, “After you made me, why did you have to make Zhuge Liang?” Come to think of it, I could totally imagine Iseman or Gbajabiamila as Yuan Shao.

Well, we all know what’s coming. May as well get it over with.

__T: Gil vs. B.Wilczewski - Gil is off to the races, and…holy cow, Chez-2 pulled off a second-gap dismount! Completely smooth, too, like he planned it all along! Gil is in a big hole, but we’ve seen him close the gap so many…

Did that just happen??? Gil, in the second gap, goes for the dismount, gets both feet on the landing pad…and the pad freaking rolls backwards and drops Gil in the water! It looked like something out of a Goofy cartoon! B.Wilczewski/distance
LAB RATS WINS

For three matches Gil has had to be everything, do everything, conquer everything, and it looked like the constant burden finally caught up to him. Now he’s in a bind, needing to pull off a comeback with very little rest time just to get another crack at the Relay Showdown. Oh-yoo-flippin’-see-aich. (Hey, I don’t care if that’s not a meme! I make up my own stupid crap! :D)

= 3rd match: Iron Grip vs. Phoenix Force =
__L: Burkhalter vs. Galiczynski - It’s effectively ended at Ring of Fire, with Burkhalter going for a second gap dismount, looking iffy for an instant, but staying dry, while Galiczynski struggles through both gaps. He makes a tiny push on Pole Grasper but never has any real chance. Burkhalter/finish

All right, it’s been way too long since we had some good old fashioned messing with the system. Here’s what’s going on now: The women and anchors will switch their order for the last two runs. This means that the women’s run will be scored like an anchor run, and vice versa. Which, apparently, is yet another thing that it’s permissible to do here. I can’t really think of any strategic advantage to Gil doing this, so I’m going to assume that it’s spite; he’s tired of bailing out his useless teammates every damn time and is putting someone else in the crosshairs. As for Richardson, he most likely saw the likelihood that he’d have to run the tiebreaker if it came to that (especially given how ineffectual Galiczynski has been), and all the better to gave a little rest time beforehand.

__“W”: Gil vs. Richardson - Richardson dooms himself early, taking water on Sonic Swing. Gil pulls off a successful second-gap dismount this time, and Richardson being unable to use his wet legs on Pole Grasper is the nail in the coffin. Gil/finish
__“A”: Stockett vs. Craig - Craig falls behind early, and it gets worse when she’s too upright on Sonic Swing and her feet hit the water. She then gets tied up in Ring of Fire; Stockett, despite needing two attempts on Swing Jump, maintains a sizable lead. Craig misses one transition on Swing Jump, then two, and now she’s in a huge hole…and that’ll do it, desperation, leap of faith, can’t hang on, splash. Stockett, either unknowing or uncaring of her quick victory, continues right past Pole Grasper to…her nemesis. Hey, how long has it been since we’ve had a beeh daah waww chant in TNW? She gets it this time, and our longish USA Network nightmare is over. Stockett/distance
IRON GRIP WINS

How about that. Gil’s compatriots, laid low and facing a humiliating exit, come roaring back with a sweep. I have the feeling we’re going to see a much different outcome in the final.

The bad news is finally confirmed: Chez-1 is out of the competition due to his shoulder injury. Someone named Arnold Hernandez (I nearly put “Aaron” a couple times) will be stepping in for leadoff. Geez, the one time we actually could USE a preview…

= 4th match: True Grit vs. Lab Rats =
__L: Pekus vs. Hernandez - It’s nearly even through the first two obstacles. Hernandez is first out of Ring of Fire but lands clumsily, almost flat on his back, and Pekus is the first to Swing Jump. Pekus maintains a small lead…and his feet hit the water! A common occurrence, but this is why you shouldn’t wear long pants on the course, as now they’re soaked, which means slipperiness and extra weight. Hernandez charges through Floating Tiles, while Pekus attempts to jump across; his compromised jeans promptly give out and he belly flops on the second solo tile. Incredibly, he avoids going down and is able to continue. Hernandez is having trouble with Pole Grasper, allowing Pekus to make it a contest. Hernandez is through and goes up the wall…short! And Pekus is past the poles! And…that’s as close as he’d ever get, as Hernandez easily makes good on his second attempt, while Pekus slides all the way down. That was an impressive skidmark he left on the wall! Hernandez/finish
__W: Thorne vs. Warnky - Thorne doesn’t make any obvious blunders but just can’t match Warnky’s strength or speed. A cakewalk victory for the unlikely invincible juggernaut. Thorne then goes up the wall, hits the buzzer, and hugs Warnky for some reason. Warnky/finish
__A: Bull vs. B.Wilczewski - This is the fourth time that Bull’s underlings have put him in a 0-2 deficit, and faced with an opponent as fierce as Chez-2, the road back to the semis must seem a Super Salmon Ladder high. Both men are almost completely clean through the first two obstacles, with Chez-2 taking a small lead. They’re on the swings…and…are you bleedin’ kidding me?? Bull gets hopelessly tied up on the swing AGAIN! (Seriously, use the bar! There’s no shame in “Not Tarzan Style”! There’s a reason everyone starts with it!) Bull, incredibly, makes a tremendous comeback, practically flying through the bars (which Chez-2 has trouble with), but it’s just not enough, as Chez-2 seals the deal by seconds. Bull hangs his head at the top of the wall, clearly wondering why he bothered to get out of bed today. B.Wilczewski/finish
LAB RATS WINS

So it’s going to be a repeat of last season’s 5th prelim final, but the story is much different this time (not to mention the competitors).

= Final: Iron Grip (Stockett, Burkhalter, Gil) vs. Lab Rats (Hernandez, Warnky, B.Wilczewski) ==
So the first two legs are woman against leadoff? That’s what it looks like. Well, as it turns out…that’s exactly what it is. Huh. This has been tried before, with…mixed results. Not sure what to think now.

Hernandez, predictably, takes the early lead. Stockett’s feet hit the water but she maintains the pace. Hernandez pulls off a very nice second gap dismount, and just like that…Stockett is keeping up! They’re through Swing Jump, and Hernandez makes the tag, but only about five seconds ahead (and he needed a pretty risky move just for that much!) Warnky wastes no time bounding through Floating Tiles. Burkhalter does his best to catch up but he’s no speed demon, and Warnky is almost halfway across the poles by the time he gets there. Of course, now Burkhalter can use his obvious upper-body superiority to…what the hell is he waiting for?? Seriously, he just stands there watching for about six seconds! You’re up against Michelle Warnky, for crying out loud, not Caitlin Shukwit! You can’t treat her like a lady! He finally rediscovers his motivation and gets on the poles, and promptly has all kinds of trouble with them. Warnky easily gets up the wall first. Chez-2 knows from far, far too much painful experience that he can’t match Gil in anything, but damned if he will go down without a fight. Gil finally gets the tag and pounds his way up the ladder. They’re nearly dead even through Globe Graspers, but Gil skips two globes on the end and is the first one out. He sprints for Invisible Ladder…

…time out. Yeah, have to pull out the rulebook again. If both final-leggers go out on the same obstacle, the winner is the one who got further on it, not necessarily the one who got there first. Yeah. That’s about to come into play pretty soon.

Where were we…so Gil is on Invisible Ladder, and he’s well underway by the time Chez-2 begins. This is it. If he’s going to slay the beast, tame the bully, defeat the monster once and for all, it’s going to have to be here. It’s going to be a duel for the ages! It’s going to be a photo finish! It’s going to be…

…a huge anticlimax, as Chez-2’s tank is nearly empty, and he completely gives out at the 20’ mark. Gil, already well ahead, makes it all the way to 34’ before succumbing.
IRON GRIP WINS

Gil’s teammates proved their worth when it mattered, but he’s shown that he is not invincible and it’s possible to wear him down. The biggest concern for Iron Grip right now is if Gil can complete Invisible Ladder in the semis; if not, the other anchors could very well have his number. There have now been 3 steals in 4 weeks; at this pace we’re going to easily shatter the first season’s mark and put the supposed advantage of winning in the first half in jeopardy. With Michelle Warnky out, the top three women have now been eliminated, and it’s questionable whether the female slot will even matter in crunch time. Lance Pekus’ fate really drove home the kind of skills that are required in this event, and that just being an ANW stalwart isn’t enough. In all, quite a revealing day. Looks like the fun stuff’s finally started!

MVP picks: Warnky, Gil. This is the first time ever I was completely unimpressed by all the leadoff men. I was a tiny bit in favor of Burkhalter, but that got stomped flat after his bizarre capitulation on Pole Grasper. Hernandez looked pretty good, but I ain’t givin’ props to an alternate. So that leaves nobody. It feels weird. I hope it doesn’t happen again.

[MaxTheVool]

Burkhalter is definitely a question mark. But Barclay Stockett came out of nowhere to be pretty darn impressive. Not quite an elite woman, but close. And given that all the elite women are out, a team with her and Daniel Gill is definitely a force to be reckoned with.

[MaxTheVool]

That was a pretty entertaining episode. Things we learned:
-Brent Steffenson is a moron
-Kacy Catanzaro is still pretty darn good. Shame she’s held back by a moron, and also always falls off the first obstacle at Mt. Midoriyama
-Joe Marovsky can just plain get it done
-Josh Levin isn’t a speedster, but damn he can climb
-There’s still a critical shortage of female ninjas
-People can fall off the ring of fire in an incredibly painful-looking fashion where you think they might end up paralyzed and they’re just fine, fortunately

[DKW]

TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PRELIM #5

Man, what a day. It had a little of everything: Old and new, wild and conventional, fast and slow, graceful and clumsy. Oh, and why not make a little more history while they’re at it.

Team Alpha: Dillon Gates, Kacy Catanzaro, Brent Steffensen
Steffensen was surprisingly candid in the preview, admitting that he was responsible for his team’s failure last year. There was a time when the “royalty” (gawd, I hate that word) were trailblazers, but now Jessie Graff is the undisputed queen and a bevy of powerhouses have tamed Ultimate Cliffhanger. Do these fading stars have anything left?

Karsten’s Fast Kats: Kevin Klein, Joy Strickland, Karsten Williams
First-time squad, so of course I don’t really have anything to say, but serious question…is there genuine, honest, verifiable evidence of anyone at fricking all giving Kevin Klein crap for being a Dallas Cowboys flagrunner? The show seems to think that this should be happening, but even YouTube seems to be cool about it.

Flowmingo: J.B. Douglas, Luci Romberg, Alan Connealy
Connealy freely admits in the preview that his four close losses really, really hurt, and he’s seriously itching to get that orangutan off his back. You know what…so am I, friend. So am I. Kick someone’s butt out there today, will ya?

Storm Team: Josh Levin, Allyssa Beird, Joe Moravsky
Joe Moravsky obviously realized some things weren’t working (Thing Not Working #1: Rob Moravsky) and shook things up. He can never be counted out, but will his new supporting cast succeed where his old one so repeatedly failed?

Fifth obstacle: Fly Wheels - Three fixed hanging wheels in succession. The first two are fixed; the last swings back and forth.

= 1st match: Team Alpha vs. Karsten’s Fast Kats =
__L: Gates vs. Klein - A quick and (very) dirty rookie opener: Klein opens up a slight lead after Sonic Swing, hits the second gap in Ring of Fire, goes for the dismount, and does a complete pratfall on the edge of the landing cushion before tumbling backwards to failure. Gates nonchalantly completes the obstacle and will no doubt be completely unprepared for the second half. Gates/distance
__W: Catanzaro vs. Strickland - A woman who hasn’t achieved anything lately vs. a woman who hasn’t achieved anything…ever. Not feeling very optimistic about this, is what I’m saying. Strickland is cement-footed through Sonic Swing, giving Catanzaro the lead. Both women struggle horribly with Ring of Fire, getting hopelessly snagged by both gaps; Strickland takes the lead. But she needs a second swing to get through Swing Jump, and Catanzaro goes back in front. On to Floating Tiles…and Catanzaro falls on the second solo tile…but recovers! Strickland hops through, falls on the same tile, and her feet hit the water…but she also gets back up! Now Fly Wheels, and Catanzaro works her way to the third wheel…and she is taking a damn long time to set up the dismount. Strickland catches up, and Catanzaro finally dismounts…and she is taking a damn long time to start the wall! (And yes, of course there has to be a beeh daah waww chant.) No miracle, however, as Catanzaro goes first and gets up, while Strickland comes up short. Man, was not expecting a wild seesaw battle from these two; by my count there were six lead changes! Catanzaro/finish
__A: Steffensen vs. Williams - Williams is quicker off the blocks, then gets through Ring of Fire clean and fast, while Steffensen gets caught in the second gap and looks lost. Steffensen finally gets free but simply cannot match his foe’s speed, and despite a late surge on Fly Wheels comes up well short. Williams/finish
And all of a sudden a team that started out 2-0 has its backs to the wall. Williams is at ease and looks like he didn’t even break a sweat, and it’s looking pretty likely that either Gates or Steffensen will get absolutely creamed by him. The anchor, people! Get a dominant anchor! You can get away with mediocrity in the other two spots! Sheesh!
__T: Gates vs. Williams - Gates looks strong early but gets imprisoned by the second Ring of Fire gap just like Steffensen. Williams is briefly in the first gap but is soon past, and that’s pretty much all she wrote. Gates gets as far as the second wheel before Williams slams the door shut. Williams/finish
KARSTEN’S FAST KATS WINS

Brent Steffensen has four losses in four heats, and it’s pretty obvious that Gates can’t carry the team on his back. If anyone’s willing to bet on Team Alpha against you in the second half, better take it right away, because that’s looking like as close to a lead pipe cinch as you’ll ever get. (Hypothetically, of course. No one’s actually betting on TNW. I mean, c’mon, don’t be ridiculous.)

= 2nd match: Flowmingo vs. Storm Team =
All right, here’s the scoop…the women will be going first. That in itself isn’t unusual. However, Connealy is so desperate for a win that he’ll be taking the second, supposedly leadoff run…although he’s still “officially” the anchor…and Douglas will take on Moravsky in the anchor. I’ll keep the letters the same for clarity, but I really don’t like seeing this finagling for finagling sake, never mind the fact that it very rarely ever works out.
__W: Romberg vs. Beird - Romberg takes the early lead but gets stuck in the second Ring of Fire gap. She can’t seem to get any kind of rhythm and is stuck in there for a long time. Beird gets caught in the first gap, then the second…and she takes the plunge. Romberg takes four more swings before finally committing…and coming up short! Geez, this has to be the friggin’ slowest “speed” victory ever! Romberg/speed
__L: Connealy vs. Levin - Connealy is faster out of the blocks. He finds both gaps while Levin only finds the second, but takes much longer to get out, and Connealy remains in the lead. Connealy clears Floating Tiles by leaping through the solos, gets on the wheel…and that was a quick dismount! He hits the buzzer and FINALLY!! Yeah. Connealy/finish
Quick question: Is there any advantage to leaping through Floating Tiles rather than running? I mean, if anything, running at full tilt should be faster than setting up two big high-angle leaps.
__A: Douglas vs. Moravsky - Douglas is briefly in front but takes water on the second swing of Sonic Swing…and takes far more water when he splashes down in Ring of Fire. It’s uncertain whether he intentionally went for a second gap dismount, but either way, the dismal result is the same. It’s tough enough to win without giving opposing anchors freebies! Moravsky/distance
So now Flowmingo has an interesting call. Obviously Douglas isn’t very fatigued and can go again…BUT!! If he LOSES!! He has to GO!! Right BACK!!..whoops, my bad. Ahem…if he loses, he has to go right back to work as the leadoff man in the 3rd match, and that may be a bit too much to ask from him. But given how hard Connealy was breathing after his run, it would be a bad idea to overtax him as well. Who’s it gonna be? Who’s it gonna be? Hoozigubby? (Hey, if I’m already saying “waiweewuwwawei”… )
__T: Douglas vs. Moravsky - LSYTTA! (Um, that’s “Let’s see you try that again!” Hey, makes more sense than “hoozigubby”…) Moravsky is clean through Ring of Fire and is setting a blistering pace. Unexpectedly he’s cautious through Floating Tiles and allows Douglas to catch up. On to Fly Wheels…and Douglas dismounts first and charges to the wall! He gets up, and…he’s slow getting up, and Moravsky completely catches up! It’s going to be close…Yes! Moravsky did it! Agility at the top of the wall prevails! This has happened a few times already, people, wake up! Moravsky/finish
STORM TEAM WINS

So both eventual first half winners fall in a deep hole and are bailed out by their anchors. I can’t remember a time this has happened before. And man, how big a difference that split-second defeat made for Flowmingo. Had they won, they’d get a nice long rest before facing a battered Team Alpha in the final match; as it is, Douglas has to get right back to work and somebody needs to find a way to beat the super-quick Williams. This is about the biggest first-half turn I’ve ever seen. I hope it doesn’t become a habit. I’m kinda uncomfortable with the idea.

= 3rd match: Flowmingo vs. Karsten’s Fast Kats =
__L: Douglas vs. Klein - Both are clean through Ring of Fire, and it looks like it’s going to be another close one. But Klein’s more nimble, getting better exits from Swing Jump and saving time on Fly Wheels by going hand-over-hand. Douglas makes it a contest but doesn’t make it nearly as exciting as last time. Klein/finish
What the…oh, come on, Klein. Not cool. It is way too early to be dancing.
__W: Romberg vs. Strickland - 3WA’d due to time constraints. It’s over quickly when Romberg divebombs off the net on Swing Jump. Hey, wasn’t she supposed to be one of the good ones? Strickland/distance
__A: Connealy vs. Williams - Connealy’s gambit has become a complete bust, and now he needs to take two off a speed demon to have a chance of racing another day. Whatever minuscule hopes he has get snuffed out on Ring of Fire, as Williams is clean again. Connealy is stuck in the second gap and falls further and further behind, the deficit eventually reaching two whole obstacles. Williams trots up the wall and completes the slaughter while Connealy is still looking at the wheels. Williams/finish
KARSTEN’S FAST KATS WINS

Hold it, KFK already has an order for the final? Yes, Williams confirmed it. That is…a thing that has never happened before and I have absolutely no idea how to judge it.

= 4th match: Team Alpha vs. Storm Team =
__L: Gates vs. Levin - Levin has a slim lead after Sonic Swing, and…holy crap, did Gates just clear both gaps with ONE leap? Yes, yes he did! (And yes, I’d be totally stoked if that became The Move.) Levin fights hard but never threatens. Gates/finish
__W: Catanzaro vs. Beird - Catanzaro is far from the strongest lady, but somehow she manages to never have to face someone who can beat her. (In fact, I’m seeing this quite a bit…how is that after 13 days of competition we’ve never had one genuine marquee matchup so far?) Beird plods at the start, and Catanzaro…takes water on the second swing! This could be huge! They’re working their way through Ring of Fire…and Beird is the first one out! On to Swing Jump…AND CATANZARO MISSES THE FIRST TRANSITION, WHILE BEIRD MAKES HER FIRST ATTEMPT COUNT! This could be history in the making!! Catanzaro’s perfect mark is in jeopardy!! The qu…er, princess is about to go down!! Beird has a huge lead going into Floating Tiles!! She SPLASH…sigh, not today, folks. She flat out misses the right tile on the second pair, slips off, and gets wet. Now all Catanzaro has to do is stay upright, and I’m not even going to touch that T******* D***** nonsense anymore. 4-0, suck-ahs. Catanzaro/distance
__A: Steffensen vs. Moravsky - It looks like the ideal situation for yet another steal, but for the team to win, the anchor has to win, and right now the tally is Moravsky 5, Steffensen 0. Can the old, battered king find a way? Moravsky has faster feet and is clean through Ring of Fire. Steffensen only gets the first gap, but that’s enough to put him well behind. Steffensen misses the first transition on Swing Jump, and that seals his fate; Moravsky prances through the remaining course and hits the buzzer with two obstacles to spare. Moravsky/finish

Whoa. I’m pretty sure this is the first time we’ve had three tiebreakers in one day. Well, no sense beating around the bush; it’s pretty obvious who’s going to close this one out. I mean, who else is there? These athletes may be sentimental, but they’re not brain-dead. Yep. Totally obvious. Clear as a bell.

__T: Steffensen vs. Moravsky - SERIOUSLY?? :smack: Steff…buddy…look. You can’t beat this guy. He’s too good. ADMIT THAT YOU’RE NOT UP TO IT AND LET GATES HAVE A SHOT! I mean, he’s no Dan Polizzi or Chris Wilczewski, but at the very least he’ll make a fight of it, way more than anything you’ve ever proven to be capable of! Huh…I thought we were done with this nonsense. Well, not much to say about this. Moravsky takes Ring of Fire with two fluid hops, forcing Steffensen to step it up, which he does with a second gap dismount, which could have possibly ended more disastrously for him. He goes straight up, then straight down, and (yes!) straight in. Moravsky/distance
STORM TEAM WINS

Steffensen is now 0-6 all time; I checked, and yes, this is the absolute worst record of all TNW competitors. I don’t know what it’s going to take to prevent him from coming back, but I hope it happens real soon. As for Moravsky, he makes history as the first ever competitor to go 4-0 for the day, and even more incredibly, he doesn’t look tired at all. Barring a massive blunder, the Relay Showdown could be a done deal.

= Final: Storm Team (Beird, Moravsky, Levin) vs. Karsten’s Fast Kats (Strickland, Klein, Williams) ==
Beird is in front after Sonic Swing, but Strickland only hits the second gap while Beird gets both and takes the lead. Strickland gets on the net easily but struggles to get off, while…

Dammit, Beird! All you had to do was stay dry! Don’t try to be a heroine, don’t force anything, just STAY DRY! You had one job! ONE! Yep, she swings to the net, she makes the transition, she just flippin’ loses the handle. Just like that. As pathetic an unforced error as I’ve ever seen on this show, and that’s saying a lot. That means Beird has splashed out all three times she was on the course, and this one couldn’t have come at a worse time.

So what looked like it would be a good contest is now a complete laugher. Klein, who started out rough but looked solid in his second outing, just has to set a good pace and the overmatched Levin won’t have a prayer of closing the gap. Sure enough, Moravsky runs like he’s being chased by that Temple Run 2 monster (hey, I gotta use my old IPad for something ), but even he can’t do the impossible. Klein avoids any mistakes and makes the tag cleanly, and Williams is off to the races. Dammit, you hate to see a…

…wow, that fast? Levin gets the tag while Williams is only on the fourth rung of the Salmon Ladder! Sadly, it’s still going to be all for naught, as Levin doesn’t have any…

…Levin is keeping up! Williams can’t pull away, and Levin is still in it! Wow, never would’ve predicted this in 50, maybe 75 years! Williams completes Globe Graspers about three seconds ahead. Now it comes down to the final test, the great equalizer, the divider between man and boy. It’s a tight one…Williams maintains a small lead…

…and Levin passes him! He found one final burst of speed and blew right by! AND HE’S UP! AND HIS HAND IS ON THE BUZZER! THEY DID IT! SADDLED WITH THE MOST WORTHLESS, INEPT, CLUMSY ALBATROSS IMAGINABLE WHO COULDN’T FIND A NET WITH okay maybe I should just enjoy the moment.

STORM TEAM WINS

MVP picks: Catanzaro, Moravsky. The former proved how the vast the gulf between the best women and everyone else still is, and the latter, hey, who the hell else could I give it to on any week? Big letdown by the frontrunners for the second week in a row. I’m almost tempted to throw it to Levin, but no, not someone who went 0-2. Besides, I don’t throw things. No accuracy.

[DKW]

FYI…since it’s kinda fun to make up terms for things that happen on reality shows (I was more than a little bummed when American Idol instituted the judges’ save and I couldn’t use “Bice scare” anymore), here’s another: “lissitah”. I.e. LSYTTA - Let’s see you try that again, for when the matchup for the tiebreaker is the same as for the anchor heat. That was a line I remember from some old cartoons, when some schmoe would suffer some kind of beatdown, pick himself up, and say something along the lines of “All right, tough guy…let’s see you try that again!”, which of course invariably resulted in a second drubbing. (Prime example at around the 3:40 mark of this classic.) Athletic contests, of course, aren’t governed by the Rule of Funny, but you gotta admit it takes some courage to accept an immediate rematch over someone who beat you, thinking that the second time’s the charm.

Right-o! Five down, two to go! Someone’s gotta win this!

TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PRELIM #6

Real Life Beasts: James “The Beast” McGrath, Erica Cook, Drew Dreschel
All these darkhorses are starting to run together for me…

The Ballers: Lorin Ball, Meiling Huang, Paul Kasemir
And of course, the captain is running leadoff. It’s kind of like the “If a tree falls in a forest” question, except in this case it’s “If a captain calls himself a captain but plays the role of a leadoff man, does that make me wish I ever gave a crap about the ‘captain’ label since I now have a reason to stop doing so?”

Labreckfast Club: Noel Reyes, Jesse “Flex” LaBreck, Jon Alexis Jr.
Good lord, I didn’t think I’d ever see a name more horrendous than “Elet-trikz”. It’s never a good sign when the star is the position with the least impact on the team’s chances (see also: Graff, Jessie; Martin, Meagan; Warnky, Michelle; Catanzaro, Kacy). Alexis Jr. is a physical powerhouse, but one wonders if he has the stamina for this.

Stratis Faction: Mike Bernardo, Grace Sims, Ryan Stratis
One of the stronger teams last time, and there’s no reason to believe they won’t contend again. The big question is Stratis, whose locking up in the clutch doomed them. Has he learned how to be the man?

Fifth obstacle: Spin Cycle - Three suspended rotating baskets at different angles.

= 1st match: Real Life Beasts vs. The Ballers =
__L: McGrath vs. Ball - McGrath takes the early lead, gets caught in the first Ring of Fire gap but gets out and through easily, and is smooth through Swing Jump. He’s not especially fast, but it becomes academic after Ball whiffs on the first swing. McGrath gets a little wild on the third Spin Cycle basket but recovers, and the rest is history. McGrath/finish

Uh oh…looks like that little mishap on Spin Cycle wasn’t so little. His right arm twisted badly, and he’s lying in pain for a while. Dammit, a reality show is not important enough for people to be getting hurt on!

__W: Cook vs. Huang - The announcers aren’t ever going to get to the part where Cook singlehandedly wrecked her team in the final, are they? Ah, well. Wait, are they pronouncing every Chinese name as “Wong” now? Good lord. Anyway…Cook is shaky early, needing a second attempt on the second Sonic Swing rope. Huang gets caught in the second Ring of Fire gap but is out on her first attempt. Cook hits the same place…and makes a successful second gap dismount! Never thought I’d see a woman pull it off! On to Swing Jump, where Huang keeps up her steady pace, followed by…Cook completely unable to reach the net! Worse, she somehow gets turned completely around. Huang looks a bit tired, but she avoids mistakes and gets up the wall on the first attempt. A very pretty win from the unknown! Huang/fi…

Wait…Cook went out after Huang hit the buzzer? I don’t think so; the gap wasn’t that big. So realistically, that should be a distance win…right? Right??? Oh, great, now here I am screaming for a split screen for what seems like the 5,000th time. :mad:

Sheesh, save your damn energy, Huang. You don’t look like you have much to spare.

__A: Dreschel vs. Kasemir - Both men find the second gap; Dreschel handles it much better, and Kasemir’s merely a spectator at that point. Dreschel bounds through the solos on Floating Tiles, hand-over-hands Spin Cycle, and trundles up the wall without a care in the world. Dreschel/finish
REAL LIFE BEASTS WINS

Good news; McGrath is hurting a bit, but he’s decided to play through it. Definitely glad I’m not going to be seeing an alternate this early.

= 2nd match: Labreckfast Club vs. Stratis Faction =
__L: Reyes vs. Bernardo - Yes, Alexis, the pants kinda gave it away. Bernardo has a strong start with a second gap dismount but looks awkward on the Swing Jump net, and Reyes flies in out of nowhere. ([clap clap] SPLIT SCREEN! [clap clap] SPLIT SCREEN!) Bernardo remains ahead but gets his feet wet. He faceplants coming out of Floating Tiles but stays alive. Reyes doggedly catches up again, while Bernardo misses the first transition on Spin Cycle. Both make the second and third transitions…and they’re even going up the wall! It’s going to be a finish even more exciting than the recently-concluded Preakness Stakes, and I don’t know why I threw that in there, these things just happen! Reyes/soooooooo close
__W: Labreck vs. Sims - Little more than a practice run for Labreck after Sims is hopelessly stymied by Ring of Fire. Labreck/finish
__A: Alexis vs. Stratis - Yeesh…all the more reason to hope Stratis doesn’t hit the buzzer. Ever. And is it really such a shocker that not every single goddam 6’6” jock is going to take up basketball?? Honestly…anyway, not much to this one either. Alexis is clean through Ring of Fire and powers his way through the rest of the course, and Stratis simply can’t keep up. Alexis/finish
LABRECKFAST CLUB WINS

You know, if I were Alexis, and especially after I just completed a sweep, I’d be seriously ticked off at announcers assuming I’m stupid just because I’m big. Just sayin’.

= 3rd match: Real Life Beasts vs. Stratis Faction =
__L: McGrath vs. Bernardo - McGrath has an early lead through Sonic Swing. McGrath is clean through Ring of Fire, while Bernardo hits the second gap but pulls off a nice dismount from there. McGrath is quick through Swing Jump, while Bernardo is quick…into the water. Gbajabiamila said it best: “He just flat out misses the net.” A bizarre blunder from someone who nearly prevailed just a few minutes ago. McGrath/distance
__W: Cook vs. Sims - Sims handles the gaps much better this time but gets turned around and can’t dismount cleanly, and Cook slides on past. Cook needs a second swing on Swing Jump, and Sims takes the lead but makes a pretty big splash. That doesn’t bother her on Floating Tiles, and she’s the first to the baskets. Cook is faster through the tiles and closes the gap. She make the first transition faster too, and now it’s neck-‘n-neck! Cook reaches the third basket and makes a very bad dismount, almost landing flat on her face, but picks herself up. Sims is close behind, and it comes down to the wall…and Sims’ last, tiny hope of relevance is snuffed out as she can’t get up at all. A textbook case of winning ugly. Cook/finish

And now Stratis Faction, who had such high hopes coming in, are once again in danger of tying the all time worst ever single day record. Yeah, they sprung back from the abyss in last year’s semis, but it’s not happening again. Like, forget it. It was a one-in-a-million fluke. Stratis Faction is done, toast, meat, toasted meat on meaty toast.

__A: Dreschel vs. Stratis - Dreschel sets a fast pace, quickly powering out of the second Ring of Fire gap and never looking back. Stratis, again, just doesn’t have what it takes to keep pace, and Dreschel is a full obstacle ahead by the time he gets to Spin Cy…DRESCHEL IS DOWN! DRESCHEL IS DOWN! He wasn’t rushing or looking back or anything, he just plain whiffs with the right hand on the first basket and falls! An inexplicable unforced error. Now Stratis, who saw everything, y’know, being behind and all, just needs to patiently work his way across the baskets, which he does. Stratis Faction gains one last spark of hope, and the deep, dark pit of absolute failure still belongs to Wild Bunch alone. Stratis/distance

Now what? Of course Dreschel can’t in good conscience risk further injury to McGrath’s shoulder, so he has to step up. But who’s it going to be for Stratis Faction? I’ve seen Bernardo and Stratis several times, and I can’t say that one is a lot better than the other in any respect. It looks like 50/50 call, honestly.

__T: Dreschel vs. Bernardo - Remember, when you make a wishy-washy 50/50 prediction, you are never wrong! Dreschel takes the early lead and is clean through Ring of Fire again, while Bernardo pulls off another second gap dismount. Bernardo gets a better push on Swing Jump, but Dreschel is more agile coming out and maintains the lead. Dreschel uses solos only on Floating Tiles, while Bernardo does the same…then tumbles forward and falls! The replay showed that his center of gravity was too far forward after his first leap, he got no height on his second leap, and the wall did the rest. If this event had a “Warrior Wipeout”, this would’ve won it easily. Dreschel completes Spin Cycle, looks back, and stops, satisfied in a job well done. Dreschel/distance
REAL LIFE BEASTS WINS

Man, “To finish first, you must first finish” is making itself known today.

= 4th match: Labreckfast Club vs. The Ballers =
__L: Reyes vs. Ball - It’s a close one at the onset. Both are clean through Ring of Fire, then Reyes is quicker to the net but Ball is quicker off it (this is really becoming a thing, isn’t it). Reyes is the first to Floating Tiles, bounding through it…and Ball holds off! He completely waits until his opponent finishes the obstacle before beginning it! I can understand not wanting to fight him on the tiles (it’s ended more than a few runs), but at least keep it close! His timidity seals his fate; Reyes doesn’t lose even half a step on Spin Cycle and happily charges to victory. Reyes/finish
__W: Labreck vs. Huang - I’m betting this one ends up on YouTube! Labreck has a slim lead going into the rings. She gets caught in the first gap, while Huang is clean…ooh, came out of it pretty badly, but she gets back to her feet and has the lead. As Labreck struggles to clear the second gap, Huang wastes no time with Swing Jump, taking a little water but still well ahead. Huang is a bit tentative but has no trouble with Floating Tiles. Labreck clears them easily, but Huang has impressive upper-body strength and is just manhandling the baskets, and all of a sudden Labreck is in serious danger. She’s in the middle of the last transition when Huang dismounts. We’ve seen Huang get up the wall before, so it’s do or die for Labreck now. It’s a race to the line…both go up…and…Huang…comes up two feet short! It looks like either the pace or the pressure has caught up to her at the worst possible time. Labreck makes it up easily and can finally, finally breathe easily. But give all the props to her opponent who, to pull out another sports saying, did everything but win. Labreck/finish

First 0-5, now 5-0, which means…ohhhhhh no. Not even thinking about it. I’ve tempted fate once, and that is plenty enough.

__A: Alexis vs. Kasemir - Alexis is faster through Sonic Swing. Both find the second gap in Ring of Fire, go for the dismount…and that’ll do it, as Alexis splashes down and Kasemir lands safely. Kasemir/distance

Well. You figure that even if Kasemir was able to pull off the upset, Alexis could’ve worn him down with a punishing full-burner sprint to the buzzer, and then Reyes could step in to deliver the knockout punch. Now they have to make the call. Go with the man who might not be up to the pressure of a tiebreaker, or go with the man who might not be able to match Kasemir’s speed?

__T: Alexis vs. Kasemir - Lissitah! (See, there’s a reason I put all that stuff at the top! ) The start is a virtual repeat of the last heat, with Alexis leading early but hitting the second gap. He manages to avoid disaster a second time, but Kasemir is successful out of the gap again, and all of a sudden he has a comfortable lead. Kasemir is smooth through Swing Jump, while Alexis misses the first attempt…and hits the water! He still has a grip on the swing, so he’s not out yet, but the comfortable lead soon become a commanding one. Kasemir clears Floating Tiles using only the solos (yeah, I’m going to have to come up with a term for this). Alexis finally rights the ship, but Kasemir is already onto the baskets. One transition down, then…he messes up the second transition and is hung out to dry! But he manages to correct himself, and, with Alexis still hopelessly behind, there is no fighting the inevitable. You have to feel for Alexis; were it not for his colossal bungle on Swing Jump, Kasemir’s mistake on the second basket would’ve easily been enough to give him the victory. Kasemir/finish
THE BALLERS WINS

[host of The Voice whose name I don’t know and I don’t care enough about that ridiculous show to look it up voice]We have a steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaalllllllll!!![/HOTVWN oh the bloody hell with it :p]

= Final: The Ballers (Huang, Ball, Kasemir) vs. Real Life Beasts (Cook, McGrath, Dreschel) ==
Huang is clean, lands hard (a virtual repeat of the Labreck match), but is up and on to the swing. Cook struggles to extricate herself from the second gap and has fallen well behind. Ball bunny-hops across the solos and…is Cook really that far back? (You know exactly where I’m going with this, so I’ll spare you. )

McGrath takes off like a rocket, but he has to get through Spin Cycle on a bad shoulder if his team is going to have any chance. Kasemir gets the tag while McGrath…just made the second transition and is charging to the wall! And he just flew up the wall and made the tag effortlessly! I don’t know how much is urgency and how much is [issue I’m definitely going to bring up later], but that was impressive no matter what. Kasemir is only on the third rung when Dreschel begins the ladder.

This is going to be a classic, folks! Powerful anchor against powerful anchor, side by side, neck and neck, toe to toe, clawing and scratching every step of the way, too close to call until the very end, and it’s going to come down to a war on Invisible Ladder, where they’ll have to fight, fight, fight for each inch, arms burning, veins bulging, sweat pouring out of every pore, and it’s going to come down to one final, incredible fingertip lunge for that most precious of…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

Yeeahhh. :rolleyes: Kasemir is briefly on the fifth rung, and then the right side just slips right back out and sends him to a watery loser’s circle. Fitting that a day defined by big mistakes would be decided by one. Dreschel, who probably thought he actually had a brutal fight to the finish, now just has to get from point A to point B, and they don’t call him “Mr. Consistency” for nothing. (I’m not hep up to all these cornball nicknames, so I’m just going to assume that Mr. Consistency is him.) Dreschel finishes the rest of the course for good measure as if to say “You can’t call yourself Mr. Consistency unless you can finish the course!” If he does call himself Mr. Consistency. Which I’m assuming he does.
REAL LIFE BEASTS WINS

MVP picks: McGrath, Labreck. Sorry, no anchor; want to give it to Dreschel, but he was more lucky than good and I can’t ignore that collapse against Stratis. (This is getting hard; seriously considering revamping this next time.) Special mention to Meiling Huang, who looked very impressive in her rookie debut. (Sigh)…the top women just don’t have a chance, do they?

[MaxTheVool]

I thought Noel Reyes was quite impressive, coming out of absolutely nowhere. LeBreck was as good as advertised. But yeah, this week was just all about choking.

[MaxTheVool]

Much to my surprise, my DVR recorded Celebrity American Ninja Warrior last night, which was an hour-long part of the Red Nose Day charity on NBC. C-list celebrities had paired up with ANW superstars for a few days of training, and then they tackled a only-slightly-easier city qualification course, including a full sized 14.5 food warped wall. For each obstacle a celebrity cleared, M&Ms donated $5K to charity.

There was a fair bit of silliness (the celebrities could tag in their trainer for an obstacle they didn’t want to attempt, although it sounded like that didn’t count for the $5k), but some actual entertainment.

Highlights:

-Two-time reigning olympic decathlon gold medalist Ashton Eaton beat the course with ease
-Actress Mena Suvari was absolutely petrified to try even a single obstacle, but ended up clearing three, and then climbed up a human ladder to the top of the warped wall. Silly, but actually kind of inspiring
-Actor Stephen Amell, who climbs a salmon ladder as the Green Arrow on TV, and who is apparently an ANW superfan, beat the whole course with relative ease, then… KEPT GOING! That’s right, the city finals course was there as well. Can he climb a salmon ladder for real? HE CAN! Can he become the first person in history to beat the never-attempted swinging pegboard? Not even close.

Also, more important, next Sunday June 4 is USA vs. the World, and then the new season of ANW kicks off Monday June 12. HISTORY WILL BE MADE!!!

[Irishman]

I saw the Celebrity special. It was amusing. Since it was a charity event instead of a competition, they played loose with the rules. It was more about what they could do than how far they could get.

Jessie Graf was paired with a comedian who resembles her. She fell on the second obstacle, the cannonball slider, but then they pulled out an inflatable raft and she paddled under it to continue with the balance blocks. Humor and fun got rewarded.

Derek Hough, who is in pretty good shape, fell on one, but got back up and repeated it and completed it. He then completed the short course.

A couple of them outright skipped an obstacle or two, but the show runners let it slide to let them do the next obstacle.

Erika Christensen of “Parenthood” gave a strong showing. She did a new obstacle, though she didn’t actually do it correctly. Instead of gripping a large red slider and moving it by jerking your body, she just grabbed the bar and shimmied along. Then at the transition she used her legs and crawled after that. Still, it was tough, so they counted it.

They showed her practicing for the warped wall, but there was no way she was getting to the top. So her partner, Flip Rodriguez, busted out a plan. He ran up first, grabbed the lip, and then she ran up and grabbed him and then used him as a ladder. It was funny.

It was fun to watch to see everyone working together.

[DKW]

Saw a bit of the Red Nose Day event. Meh…good cause, I suppose (although I remind everyone that there are plenty of worthy causes that don’t involve young children), but I don’t think an extremely demanding and unforgiving physical contest was the right choice for this. I don’t care how much “training” these celebs had, except for the ex-jocks, they were scrubs and it was ludicrous to expect otherwise. (I should point out that various nonathletic personalities regularly show up on Sasuke, they invariably fail miserably on the first or second obstacle, and no one has any beef with this.) I actually think Wipeout would’ve been a much better fit; we could watch clueless comedians and actors flop and slip and stumble all over the place and have a big laugh rather than be dismayed that they’re taking food off of children’s tables.

Getting back to TNW, I’m now pretty sure I figured out why there’s no split screen, and now I’m a tad dismayed because I know we’ll never have one. Ever notice that in the regular contest, and especially during Cityfinals, the timer sometimes jumps way ahead during one of the 15,000 crowd shots that evening? The producers really, really seem to love that. A lot. Unfortunately, when they’re showing two people gunning through the course head-to-head, there isn’t any leeway for that…unless one gets well ahead of the other. As obsessed as the announcers are with the horse race narrative, the come from behind narrative is nearly as important. So you show someone on an earlier obstacle, and then you show the opponent waaaaay ahead. Oh, it’s over as a contest! Stick a fork in this one! There’s no way he can possibly…but wait! Here he comes flying out of nowhere, running like his life is on the line! He’s going to catch up! He’s caught up! What an amazing comeback! When what really happened was that he was 20 or so feet behind and was able to make up ground because the opponent just reached an upper-body intensive task while he’s running through Floating Tiles.

Yeah…cynical. But if you have any better explanation for why NBC omitted such a basic feature, I’d like to hear it.