Max - I think Stephen Amell probably could’ve done the swinging pegboard, but he tapped out. It didn’t look like he fell, it looked like he let go after mugging for the camera.
StG
Oh, agreed 100%.
[Board acting weird lately…actually finished this last night, but didn’t go through.]
All right, got a bunch of stuff to unpack before the semis, but there are only so many hours in a day and I don’t want to let my posts run too long. So for now, just know that I’m going to be counting the number of runs ending on Ring of Fire. You’ll find out why later. 
Incidentally, I never considered this the be-all end-all ninja killing machine Ice and Baj keep insisting it is (and insisting, and insisting, and insisting…). Sure it’s tricky, but Swing Jump and Floating Tiles have tripped up their fair share. But as the saying goes, even a blind squirrel sometimes finds a nut, and given what a nut of a day this competition was…um…ah, you’ll see.
Oh, and crossing Floating Tiles by jumping across the solos is “midhopping”. No point overcomplicating this.
TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PRELIM #7
Invincabels: Geoff Lancaster, Jeri D’aurelio, Abel Gonzales
Seriously think they need a better name considering how they fared last time.
Team Ronin: J.J. Woods, Tiana Webberley, David “Flip” Rodriguez
Last year they were 5-0 in the semifinal before Ryan Stratis put some kind of crazy voodoo hex on them* and sent them tumbling into failure. Few things worse than walking away empty-handed after having the second best overall record. Definitely a big sentimental favorite going in for that reason, and having probably the only really good woman left doesn’t hurt either.
Ninja Brittens: Mike Chick, Jessica Britten, Geoff Britten
On a fateful September day in 2015, Geoff Britten held a rope in his hands and stared upwards at destiny…and nearly everything since has been an absolute disaster. And since he “has” to stick with his wife (:rolleyes:), this slow-motion train wreck looks like it’s not going to end anytime soon. Does he have any chance? (And are these fans ever going to realize that holding up Union Jacks to cheer on a competitor who’s not actually British is super-dumb even for them?)
Towers of Power: Dan Polizzi, Selena Laniel, Brandon Mears
Last year they looked hapless through five heats and were on the verge of being demolished (heh heh, see what I…ah, screw it, anyone not brain-dead can see it) before being bailed out by the leadoff man. Somehow I doubt that he’ll catch that kind of lightning in a bottle again, especially with Team Ronin in the mix. A major longshot.
Fifth obstacle: Fly Wheels - Same as in prelim #5.
- Disclaimer: Ryan Stratis did not actually put a voodoo curse on Team Ronin**.
** As far as I know.
= 1st match: Invincabels vs. Team Ronin =
__L: Lancaster vs. Woods - Lancaster is completely new to TNW, and it shows as he goes right for a second gap dismount from Ring of Fire and doesn’t come close to pulling it off <one>. Woods/distance
__W: D’aurelio vs. Webberley - Much like Kacy Catanzaro, Webberley is perfect primarily because she’s never faced a truly tough opponent, and I have no reason to believe D’aurelio is going to fit the bill. She gets the early lead but gets badly hung up in the first Ring of Fire gap. Webberley gets caught in the second but quickly extricates herself, then maintains the lead through the next to obstacles. D’aurelio almost comes up short of the landing area on Floating Tiles and has to expend precious seconds getting back on her feet. Webberley looks good through the first two wheels of Fly Wheels, but takes a long, long long time on the third, and D’aurelio catches up. Webberley finally dismounts, but D’aurelio has better control on the third wheel and closes the gap. Play at the plate! Webberley’s conquered the wall before, but it’s far from a sure thing for her; can she do it under pressure? She makes her first run…short! D’aurelio catches her breath, and both women go up at the same time…and…sorry, no drama, Webberley makes it and D’aurelio doesn’t. Webberley/finish
<<Important notice>> I absolutely, positively refuse under any circumstances to ever, ever refer to Tiana Webberley as “Sweet Ti”. It’s a stupid nickname and she should be insulted to be saddled with it. :mad:
__A: Gonzales vs. Rodriguez - Rodriguez has blown hot and cold for most of his NW career. He’s positively subarctic here, going for a second gap dismount and finding nothing but water <two>. See, that’s why you don’t guarantee victory, you fool! Gonzales/distance
So now Rodriguez is in the exact same situation he was in the first match last year’s prelim, where he lost the anchor run but made up for it in the tiebreaker. Given how inept Lancaster looked, this one almost has to be a lissitah as well.
__T: Gonzales vs. Woods - Hey, I said “almost”! 
It’s a fast one in the early going. Woods is clean through Ring of Fire while Gonzales finds the second gap. Woods easily handles Swing Jump…and Gonzales is still working on the dismount! Woods has no trouble with the tiles and on the wheels. It looks all but hopeless for Gonzales, who gets on the first wheel while Woods…where did he get that speed from?? Gonzales is like a monkey through the first two wheels; Woods has trouble with the dismount, and they’re even! But Woods finally has had enough, dismounts first, and hustles up the wall to victory. The better man won, but it was certainly more interesting than I anticipated! Woods/finish
(Yeah, Baj…the problem is how to keep it shut. :D)
TEAM RONIN WINS
An easy sweep, and it looks like the honorless vagabond dirtbag thugs are picking up right where they left off.
= 2nd match: Towers of Power vs. Ninja Brittens =
Woman/leadoff swap. Happened enough times that I don’t have anything witty to say about it anymore.
__W: Laniel vs. J.Britten - Actual quote from Geoff regarding his wife: “I know how hard she trains, and I know she is going to do amazing this year.” Well, we’re just heading into June, so there’s still many more chances for her to utterly fail to live up to that prediction. Laniel, at 41, is the oldest woman in the competition, but she may as well have been taking on an 82-year-old as Britten hits the first Ring of Gap and just plain loses the handle <three>. Laniel/distance
__L: Polizzi vs. Chick - Polizzi finds both gaps but escapes them without much trouble; Chick only hits the second but can’t make the dismount. By the time he’s clear, Polizzi is already past Swing Jump, and from that point it’s a one man show. Baj: “This is a blowout right here!” As obsessed as he is with the horse race narrative, even he has to draw the line somewhere. Polizzi/finish
__A: Mears vs. G.Britten - They’re even going into Ring of Fire, where Britten makes a spectacular second gap dismount…and lands safely! Mears got hung up in the first gap, and now Britten has the lead. Which he gives right back after needing two swings on Swing Jump. Mears maintains a small lead through Floating Tiles and looks very solid on the Fly Wheels. Britten is giving his all, but he just can’t…MEARS FALLS OFF THE COURSE! He gets sideways on the third wheel, his momentum pulls him leftward, and he slips completely off the landing area! Given that all three wheels have no horizontal movement whatsoever, this is a colossal blunder. Mears defiantly hits the buzzer first, but that isn’t even worth cool points. What a time for something to go right for Britten! G.Britten/distance
Now then, for the tiebreaker, and…oh dear lord, it’s happening again. They’re going to Give The Women A Chance. Given that neither J.Britten nor Laniel is in the same galaxy as Tiana Webberley or Natalie Duran, much less they really good ones, this is a baffling decision. Okay, if you’re on Towers of Power, you realize you’re a big underdog no matter who you face in the second half, so no sense going all out now. If Laniel wins, cool; if not, at least you don’t wear out anyone important for your match against Team Ronin. Hey, you gotta face them at some point, and one-on-one heats give you more opportunities for lucky flukes and incredible upsets than a make-or-break everyone’s-gotta-pull-their-weight Relay Showdown. A questionable gambit, to be sure, but an interesting one (in chess terms, this has both “?!” and “!?” attached to it). Now, what the everloving sam HELL is in it for Ninja Brittens? If you’re Geoff Britten, and especially after the wholesale spanking you got the first time, there is one thing on your mind…victory! You’ve shown you can win, so step right back up to that line and try your very hardest to get that white star on your scorecard! Screw staying fresh for Team Ronin; you don’t have a prayer against them! Win the match and leave TNW2 with your head held not nearly as close to the ground as it once was!
Hmph. :mad:
__T: No, seriously, it’s Laniel vs. J.Britten; the madness just never ends - Britten is cement-footed through Sonic Swing and Laniel takes a comfortable lead. She has a little trouble in the second gap, but doesn’t mind too much as Britten takes forever to get out of the first. She’s still in the second gap by the time Laniel completes Swing Jump, and it’s a complete laugher now. (Baj: “She’s being very methodical! This race is not over!” Ice: “Keep in mind, we’ve seen commanding leads evaporate.” Didn’t take them long to get back in the saddle, did it? :rolleyes:) The nail in the coffin is Britten trying to do Swing Jump Tarzan-style despite having about a twentieth of the skill required to succeed at it, and she wastes a bunch more time before taking the plunge. Laniel, victorious but wanting to prove she can get up the wall and hit the buzzer, gets up the wall and hits the buzzer. Good job. Laniel/distance
TOWERS OF POWER WINS
Oh, you gotta be kidding me…J.Britten is injured after an effort like that??? Yep, and now the medics are coming out to see if she’ll have to drop out and be replaced by an alternate. Y’know, given that just about anyone has to be better than here, the conspiracy theorist in me says that hubby Geoff deliberately let her get injured so he could get rid of some deadwood (y’know, without all the domestic fallout of the vastly more logical step of not putting her on the damn team in the first place). However, the time manager in me reminds him that we still have the second half to go and are wasting way too much time on this bum as it is, so let’s just move on already, shall we?
= 3rd match: Ninja Brittens vs. Team Ronin =
Lady Britten is officially out. Complete nob…rookie Sarah Schoback steps in.
__L: Chick vs. Woods - Chick looks pretty good for a few seconds before wiping out from the second Ring of Fire gap <four>. Woods/distance
__W: Schoback vs. Webberley - Schoback is lighter on her feet, but Webberley climbs the steps out of Sonic Swing better, and they’re even going into Ring of Fire. Both hit the second gap; Webberley handles it much better and opens up a big lead. Webberley is well past Swing Jump by the time Schoback starts. Predictably, she tries to Tarzan it despite having maybe a fortieth of the skill to succeed at it (Use the bar! Use the bar! You don’t have any testicles to drop off!). Her hand briefly paws the net, and she’s having that sinking feeling. Webberley/distance
__A: G.Britten vs. Rodriguez - Britten gets off to a fast start but rushes the Sonic Swing dismount; his left foot finds the water, allowing Rodriguez to pass him. They…oh, this cannot be happening! Both hit the second gap, fly completely out of control, and splash down! I’ve never seen an anchor run end in this kind of clusterfrag before! So…wait… <five & six> Almost forgot about that. So Rodriguez, by virtue of getting there first, has the extremely murky and good-god-please-don’t-put-this-on-YouTube-not-even-as-a-joke win. Rodriguez/speed
TEAM RONIN WINS
[Kate Green voice]“This has got to be the worst…sweep…everrr.”[/Kate…from The House of the Dead 4! It’s this very popular shooting…OH, YOU HAVE A SEARCH ENGINE, FLIPPIN’ USE IT! :D]
= 4th match: Towers of Power vs. The Invincabels =
__L: Polizzi vs. Lancaster - It’s lonely at the top for Polizzi…literally, as Lancaster can get absolutely nothing going and is over three obstacles behind by the time the smoke goes up. Polizzi/finish
__W: Laniel vs. D’aurelio - Laniel has a better touch on Ring of Fire but misses the grab on Swing Jump…and misses again! D’aurelio catches up, but Laniel is quicker out and surges ahead. On to Floating Tiles…and Laniel misses the last solo, tumbles over headfirst…but doesn’t go down! Remarkable recovery! She’s taking a while to get rightside-up again, and D’aurelio makes a move for the lead. One step, two, three, four…and she falls! Laniel finally makes the last hop and lead pipe cinch-es it. The replay showed what tripped up D’aurelio; her right foot caught on a cable. She actually might’ve been better off midhopping. Laniel/distance
__A: Mears vs. Gonzales - Both men hit the second gap, and…that’ll do it, as Gonzales loses the handle and makes a big splash <Seven! Count ‘em!>. Geez, don’t rub it in, Mears… Mears/distance
TOWERS OF POWER WINS
And now you see the critical importance of winning your first match! Because this will put you up against a team that will absolutely self-destruct in the second!
= Final: Towers of Power (Laniel, Polizzi, Mears) vs. Team Ronin (Webberley, Rodriguez, Woods) ==
Both women handle Sonic Swing cleanly. Webberley, again, shows her superiority in Ring of Fire with a quick second gap exit, and she’s on to the net. She’s not an explosive athlete, but she her execution is very solid and she stays smooth under pressure, making her a very difficult matchup for nearly all the other women. She makes the tag first by a wide margin, and Rodriguez takes off. He’s definitely a man with something to prove after two embarrassing wipeouts, and Floating Steps is no problem for him. Polizzi…completely passes him on Fly Wheels! Rodriguez has never been an upper-body virtuoso, and his relative weakness costs him dearly. The big lead is gone, Polizzi making the tag about two seconds ahead. Mears briefly has a razor-thin lead through Duelling Salmon Ladders, but Woods touches the first globe first. It’s a tight one! They’re still nearly even, Mears being slightly stronger and being the first to Invisible Ladder by under a second. It’s super close! It’s really, really close! It’s pretty close! It’s…
…no longer close. And it keeps getting not-closer and not-closer. Mears simply doesn’t have the arm strength for three upper body killers in a row, being all but dead at 25’. Woods is left to complete his steady ascent and be all alone at the top. Literally. Fittingly. Literally fittingly. Flittingerally.
TEAM RONIN WINS
MVP picks: Woods & Polizzi, Webberley. That’s right, I’m giving it to two leadoffs, who were by far the head of the class today. This was the first time ever all four anchors left me ice cold. Just grateful it won’t <NO MORE PREDICTIONS, YOU FOOL!! ;)>
Ooh, good thing I watched to the end! I was wondering who was going to get the wildcard, and it turns out they’re going to play for it! Next week Labreckfast Club, Superhero Squad, Lab Rats, and Towers of Power battle for the backdoor pass. As for why those four teams…beats me. Most puzzled at Labreckfast Club, as they didn’t even make the Relay Showdown. Nothing like a little controversy to draw attention away from all those collapses, eh?
So, does that mean we’ll have a week in which we have episodes of both ANW and TNW? NINJA OVERDOSE!!!
Who do you think the favorites are going into the finals?
Update: There are going to be two days of last-chance qualifying. Presumably the other four runners-up, The Wings, Norcal Ninjas, Karsten’s Fast Kats, and The Ballers, are going to be on Day 2. And I’m guessing the winners of these two days are going to meet in a one-moment-to-decide-it-all RS for the wild card spot. Presumably. Be nice if there were some kind of pregame show so I didn’t constantly have to play it by ear.
I’ll definitely be there for the third USA vs. The World on Sunday, but you might have to wait a bit for a writeup. It looks like it’s going to be a big one. Don’t see why NBC can’t run it on Saturday and give me Sunday to hash it all out.
Oh, and in case anyone’s wondering why I have so much pity for Geoff Britten, a reminder of how things have gone for him, starting from his “triumph”.
September 2015 - Completes stage 4, makes history, inscribes his name into legend, becomes a hero and inspiration to future NW ninjas nationwide…takes home jack squat.
February 2016 - TNW 1. Loses both his heats en route to a 1-5 drubbing.
March 2016 - Withdraws from USA vs. The World 2 with a high fever. Watches replacement Joe Moravsky go out on Ultimate Cliffhanger, something he’s never had trouble with.
September 2016 - Goes out on the first obstacle of Stage 1.
February 2017 - All-star event. Wins Thunderbolt and gets a bit of jewelry for his trouble, which might’ve been a bit nicer if NBC cared enough to actually show something other than a damn highlight reel.
May 2017 - TNW 2. Gets one lucky win than fails to beat someone who went out on Ring of Fire en route to a 1-6 drubbing.
Is NBC or someone else paying him under the table? I just can’t see how he finds it in himself to come back for beating after beating after beating. He has a good job; he doesn’t need this at all.
Max - “Favorites?” As in, who has the best chance of winning? I’ve been done with that sucker’s game for a long time. Now, who I want to win? This could change after the the next two weeks, of course, but right now it’s an easy choice: Team TNT. Travis Rosen is a rock-solid never-quit fighter who gives his opponent no room for mistakes, which is exactly what you want at the anchor spot, and both Brett Sims and Marybeth Wang pull their weight and match up well against almost anybody. As much as I enjoy watching the heroics of Matt Wilder and Dan Polizzi and Jesse Labreck and Jamie Rahn, it’s the best TEAM that should win the championship. Party Time deserved it, Wisconsin deserved it, and you’d better believe that Team TNT deserves it. My second choice would be Golden Hearts. Almost wanted to give a nod to Team Ronin, but I just don’t think Flip is the kind of anchor who can seal the deal when it matters.
Well, that (USA vs the World) was fun. Some thoughts:
-Latin America did about as well as expected. You may be experienced climbers and freerunners and stuntmen, but if you haven’t trained on Ninja obstacles you will choke hard on stage 1. The exception does seem to be climbers doing well on stage 2 and stage 3, but even that has been on-and-off. (It does seem unfair, by the way, to not at least let the visiting teams try the course a few times… unclear whether that happens.) On the other hand, one of their competitors is named “Marmalejo”, which is an epically awesome name.
-I’m very suspicious that the decision to swap Jessie Graff in for stage 2 was made AFTER the first two competitors had both choked, so it was obviously going to be easy for her. That said, full props to her for doing what no woman, and very few men (and no other Americans tonight) have done before, and beating stage 2. (Although for some reason someone spoiled it on FB a few days ago. Why??? Who would do such a thing?)
-I thought we were dead and buried when Brian Arnold somehow missed the dismount on the cliffhanger (has anyone EVER done that before?). Josh McCall has been unbeatable and Drew Dreschel never seemed like he could quite finish. But then it turns out the body prop is hard for climbers (and how is it not cheating to have his fingers over the top of it like that?), and then, most amazing, Drew was able to beat the hang climb EVEN WITHOUT USING HIS FEET, which has just been death for everyone else who’s ever attempted it.
-Props to Josh Levin, who is clearly an elite competitor, although he needs to work on his speed for TNW
-It’s clearly insane how hard the double wedge is. Daniel Gill and Brian Arnold are two of the all time greats and neither one seemed even in the neighborhood of beating it. It’s not at all clear what the people who are beating it are doing right that those two didn’t do (and of course Gill beat it in the regular season).
First off, I’m through joking about this endless yoo-ess-ay crap. I’m sick of it. The amount of jingoism on display has gone way past “disturbing” and gone right into “torturous”. Hell, it was better during the Cold War! Which means that I’m going to be watching most of this on mute, which means that I might potentially miss out on an interesting angle or two. Feel free to fill me in on anything. (Not holding my breath, just so you know.)
Japan has wisely decided to cut its (massive, endless) losses, so Latin America has stepped in. Other than that, the big news is that the American squad has Jessie Graff, the first woman ever in international competition. I…well, I’m women competing against men, of course, I’ve made that very clear, but this is the type of event where the best man doesn’t always win and surprises can strike at any time. We’ll see.
=== USA vs. The World 3 ===
Each Stage has total of three head-to-head-to-head runs. The farthest distance on each run wins; if more than one go the same distance, the fastest time wins. Stage 1 is worth 1 point per win, Stage 2 2 points, and Stage 3 3 points. If there’s a tie, it goes to a sudden death playoff on Stage 4.
USA contestant listed first, then Europe, then Latin America
= Stage 1: Snake Run, Propeller Bar, Giant Log Grip, Jumping Spider, Sonic Curve, Warped Wall, Broken Bridge, Flying Squirrel =
Round 1: Daniel Gil-1 Tim Shieff-2 Wid Eriksen-3
__Gil is known for his hard-charging risk-all gain-all mindset. He’s a little more cautious here, taking a swingback on Log Grip before getting off and making sure his feet are steady on Jumping Spider. He gets a little sideways on Sonic Curve, needing an extra swing, but stays clean. The rest of the course is no trouble, and he finishes with a time of 1:47.58.
__And right off the bat we have trouble; Shieff aggravated a knee injury and is out of the competition. (Has there ever been a time when so man NW competitors have had to pull out of team competition?) Someone named Bjarke Tonnesen steps up. (No word on whether Europe can or will use an alternate.) He’s a gymnast, he’s an art student. What he isn’t is a clutch performer, as he promptly goes out on Snake Run.
__Eriksen burns up a lot of time on Propeller Bar he kicks the rope around the Propeller shaft and has to unwrap it one-handed. It’s of no consequence, however, when he splashes down on Jumping Spider.
Gil/distance - USA 1
Round 2: Jake Murray-3 Owen McKenzie-1 Karl Fow-2
__McKenzie was the “Last Man Standing” on UK Ninja Warrior, so theoretically he should be really good at this. And…oh, geez. Editorializing time. I’m getting a little tired of contestants being lauded for being able to squeeze in a training schedule despite having a lot of children, and I’m tired of the contestants grumbling about having to raise so many children. NO ONE FORCED YOU TO HAVE ANY OF THOSE CHILDREN. Now that you had them, they’re your responsibility. You break it, you buy it. Take responsibility for children that you didn’t have and we’ll talk. Huh. Anyway…he has a quick start but needs two attempts to dismount from Propeller Bar. He’s doing okay until Sonic Curve, where he can’t manage the rope and goes repeatedly back and forth. He then fails on Warped Wall…then fails again…then fails again…then…he makes it on the fourth attempt! That has to be the longest anyone’s been on it who actually managed to clear it. Rest of the course a formality, and he’s in at a sluggish 2:38.66.
__The trouble with hard-upbringing stories is that we’ve heard so goddam many by now that we’re convinced that’s just how this rotten world is and there’s no point getting emotional anymore. Sorry, Fow, not to make light of your difficult childhood, but you’ll just have to get in line. He makes the transition to the rope on Propeller Bar but can’t hang on, and he slides out.
__Murray survives two very close calls on Giant Log Grip and Jumping Spider and looks like he’s having fun the rest of the way, hitting the buzzer at 1:28.43, easily smashing McKenzie’s insert-euphemism-for-really-subpar-performance effort.
Murray/time - USA 2
Round 3: Jessie Graff-2 Alexander Mars-1 Danee Marmolejo-3
__Actual quote from Mars: “This year, I’m not going to hit the water, I’m gonna hit the buzzer.” Um, given what your countryman just showed us, I think you might want to set the bar a little higher than that. He’s smooth through the first three obstacles but just can’t get the distance on Jumping Spider, and when his left foot starts slipping, his doom is sealed.
__Wow, guess who’s the megastar poster girl of ANW. This is playing more like a full-fanfare tribute than a profile. Hey, no one ever called Isaac Caldiero a superhero! One might wonder if all this hype would presage a quick exit in her actual run, but I know for a fact that “jinxes” aren’t real. Chokes, alas, most certainly are, and we see one here as Graff gets too close to the edge on two steps, then completely loses her balances and jumps of the course. She looks mortified.
__So now the Latin American contingent just needs to best Log Grip in under 23.40 or Jumping Spider in any mark and they’re on the board. I’m thinking the Japanese contingent is just a wee bit jealous (assuming that they’re still capable of mustering any emotion other than seething bitterness re. this competition). Marmolejo is an ace parkourist but hasn’t done much work with ropes, and it shows on Propeller Bar as he gets turned around several times. He handles Giant Log Grip easily but just misses the 23.40 mark. So now it’s on to an obstacle which has decimated so many rookies. His teammates shout encouragement. He’s on…his left foot is off…his left foot is back on! Weirdly, he looks a bit indecisive, but he’s just playing around, and he makes it through handily. It’s all over but the bragging rights-racking up, and…ah, not quite, out on Flying Squirrel, but still good enough for telenovela work. (Oh, uh, he’s an actor in a telenovela. Trivia.)
Marmolejo/distance - USA 2, Latin America 1
= Stage 2: Giant Ring Swing, Down Up Salmon Ladder, Wave Runner, Butterfly Wall, Double Wedge, Wall Flip =
Round 4: Brian Arnold-1 Sean McColl-3 Diego Gonzalez-2
__Kinda feel for Arnold; he was THAT close to winning the million, and now it’s gotten so hard that he almost certainly doesn’t have a prayer. There should be prize money for winning Team Ninja Warrior, da…AARRRRGH! FRIGGIN YOO-ESS-AY CHANTS DOING THE RUN?? I have it on mute, and it’s so obvious. :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: Screw this, I’m skipping these heats to the end, geez…anyway, can’t handle Double Wedge, down.
__Amigo, we’ve had lots and lots and lots of white-collar suits on NW; your story stopped qualifying as unusual some time ago. Gonzalez spends far too much time on the first two obstacles and is pretty much dead at that point, barely getting a hand on Wave Runner before falling.
__Dunno what “#1 rock climber in the world” means and not arsed to find out. What…plays piano. Right. Ami, we’ve seen every “weird quirk” and “betcha didn’t know” about 5 times over at this point, just accept what you are and don’t make a big deal out of it. Right, on to the run. The mark is right there, 1:47.34 through Butterfly Wall, and given how insanely impossible Double Wedge is, McColl might be wise to go for it. Ooh…resting one arm at a time before Wave Runner, not a good sign. He makes it, but now there’s no hope of winning on speed. McColl knows this and takes a long time sizing up the monster Double Wedge. Finally he commits and…oh man, he’s making it look so easy! Already he’s near the end of the first pair of panels. He reaches for the other bar…smooth as silk! And he’s through! Man, this guy is a damn beast! And sure, why not lift the walls and put even more terror in the hearts of the other teams.
McColl/distance - USA 2, Europe 2, Latin America 1
Uh-oh…Drew Dreschel was going to compete on Stage 2, but after Graff’s collapse on Snake Run he’s allowing her to take his spot. Aside from the estimated 99,99,999 “white knighting” gripes we’re going to hear about in the next few days, the simple fact is that Graff is not an upper-body juggernaut. You don’t need to be on Stage 1, but on Stage 2 not having arms of steel will wreck you…we’ve already seen it with Gonzalez. Let’s see if throwing good money after bad is what sinks Team USA this year.
Round 5: Daniel Gil-2 Stefano Ghisolfi-3 Karl Fow-1
__Fow is has some trouble with the rings. At the end, he briefly has his left hand on the bar, but it slips right off, and his right hand soon follows. A tough no-result.
__Gil [fast forward fast forward fast forward] goes out on Double Wedge. Oh, look, a reminder that Jessie Graff is running in the next heat, conveniently before this heat is even over. Hey, everyone who griped about how much hype Kacy Catanzaro got, how she was pitched as this hero and savior, how you got sick of her getting so much attention and noise and publicity and shows and this and that? THE PROBLEM WASN’T HER, YOU IDIOTS.
__Oh, Ghisolfi rock climbs with his sister. That’s…pretty cool, actually, so I’ll just leave it at that. Man, they’re showing his father a lot; pretty surprising considering he doesn’t speak any English. He’s already well above Gil’s time by the time he starts Butterfly Wall, so it’s do or die at Double Wedge. His form looks very good and he keeps the bar straight as a spear through the first pair of panels. Now the transition…jumps…still clean. A little slower with the second bar, but his execution still rock-solid. All that’s left is the dismount…hah, piece of cake! And you bet daddy Valter is celebrating! The walls are just an unusually heavy victory parade after that. Man, the Europeans are making Double Edge look so easy. Which it isn’t, I assure anyone who hasn’t seen it before.
Ghisolfi/distance - USA 2, Europe 4, Latin America 1
Round 6: Jessie Graff-3 Bjarke Tonnesen-2 David Saikin-1
__Hey, did you know that the Spanish word for “perfect” is the exact same word with an “o” at the end? That’s actually pretty rare. Saikin, unfortunately, is extremely torpe (Uh, that’s Spanish for “clumsy”. At least according to Babelfish.com. Hey, I use what I got, all right?) on Giant Ring Swing, flailing for 52 seconds before crapping out.
__Tonnesen needs a few second attempts but makes it through Giant Ring Swing. He spends some time resting those arms before continuing. He looks okay through Down Up Salmon Ladder but gets crooked, and down he goes.
__Now it’s put up or shut up time for Graff. If she can’t even clear two obstacles with the money on the line, that could be it for the ignoble woman-on-the-same-team-as-men experiment. She looks focused as she steps in the starting booth. She looks in control through the first swing. And the second. And…she’s beaten Tonnesen’s time! She’s the winner! Just like that! Now she’s on Down Up Salmon Ladder…bingo! Man, not looking forward to all the “superhero” nonsense I’m going to hear now, but still, good on her! Just gonna fast forward past all the unimportant stuff. Uh huh…good…uh huh…uh huh…dang DVR freezing up on me again…oh, she finished, awesome.
Graff/distance - USA 4, Europe 4, Latin America 1
Oh, there’s a Pom Wonderful Run of the Night for this event? Okay, fine. Hey, I think we can agree that a woman completing the Stage 2 course is really impressive regardless of her nationality, right? Right???
Man, it’s taking a damn long time to get Stage 3 started…
= Stage 3: Keylock Hang, Floating Boards, Ultimate Cliffhanger, Curved Body Prop, Hang Climb, Walking Bar, Flying Bar =
Round 7: Josh Levin-1 Alexander Mars-3 Santiago de Alba-2
__[fast forward fast forward] Done in 6:41.09. Next!
__I’d like to say I’m surprised/upset/ticked off that there’s a 3WA, or the fact that it’s for someone we haven’t seen tonight. De Alba out on body prop.
__Aaaand an in-progress. Getting all too obvious what the real point of this friendly international competition is. :rolleyes: Goes out on Walking Bar
Levin/distance - USA 7, Europe 4, Latin America 1
Whew, that was quick! I might actually be able to finish this damn thing before my will to continue completely evaporates!
Round 8: Brian Arnold-3, Davin Saikin-2, Stefano Ghisolfi-1
__Struggles through the boards and completely stymied by the cliffhanger.
__Another blippin’ in-progress. How does NBC expect anyone to take this seriously if they don’t? Also can’t deal with Ultimate Cliffhanger. Is it just me, or has the Latin American contingent been a big overwhelmed tonight?
__And now Arnold, who’s seen the highest of the highest and the highs and the lowest of the lows, just needs a so-so (for him) effort to ice it for the home team and send everyone home with a round to spare. [fast forward] Takes his time with Keylock Hang… [fast forward] Seems to be reluctant to get on the boards… [fast forward] Not fast enough, so it’s One Obstacle To Decide It All. Hey, should I add “ootdia” to my list of dumb-sounding reality TV terms? 
[faaaast fooorwaaarddd] Messes up the dismount, he’s done, Saikin’s thoroughly unimpressive result holds up.
Saikin/time (2) - USA 7, Europe 7, Latin America 1
Best of one spoiler if sudden death etc.
Round 9: Drew Dreschel-3 Sean McColl-2 Diego Gonzales-1
__ANOTHER in-progress. This is a three hour program, people. A very nice effort from Gonzales, getting all the way to Walking Bar before falling.
__Yeah, McColl, I want you to win too. God DAMN, you deserve it the frickin’ MOST. Regrettably, he can’t handle Curved Body Prop, so he’s going to have to pray for another break.
__[fast forward fast forward fast forward] Are we almost done?? [more fast forwarding] Dreschel finished the course. I think. [fast forward] And the team is holding the trophy. Woo hoo.
Will have much to say about the rampant jingoism later once my ears stop ringing. Good lord, I’m going to have to listen to fifty Vocaloid songs to make up for this.
Can you really expect anything else when it’s ORGANIZED as USA vs. Europe vs. South America?
Now if the teams were, oh, Parkour vs. Mountain Climbers vs. uh, Gym Rats? you’d probably be safe from the “USA! USA!” stuff.
Yeah, I gotta say I don’t quite see where DKW is coming from here. This is not the olympics, which is an international competition organized by a neutral third party. This is an exhibition, on USA soil, produced by a USA television network, with a USA crowd, with USA announcers, watched by people from the USA, in which the USA (as a single country) competes against two other entire regions of the world. Why wouldn’t there be some jingoism?
And it’s not like the coverage or cheering is ever mean-spirited. Nothing but respect is every shown to McCall and Ghisofi and so forth.
Well, that was a bit of an embarrassing episode of TNW, as the two weekest teams (by far) made it to the relay showdown. I believe both teams in the relay showdown had two members who never won a heat, and one of them got there with the absolute bare minimum of heats won possible.
Hopefully the superhero team will get destroyed by whoever wins the next wild card and we won’t have to think about them again.
[Will hash out USA vs. The World 3 later. It’s getting late and I’m really not up to it right now.]
“It started with 28 teams. After 7 intense weeks of competition…there are still 14 teams that are still in it. That’s right, half. Hey, it’s a reality TV show; of course it’s going to milk everything to death! Fortunately, we’re going to do away with 7 more teams For Reals This Time, so the chance of a team that stunk it up in prelims riding a lucky hot streak to the championship is actually quite small! And even if it does happen, we all checked out years ago, so scream all you want!” - Not the actual intro, but it should have been.
TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PLAY-IN ROUND, FIRST HALF
Labreckfast Club (5-2): Noel Reyes, Jesse “Flex” Labreck, Jon Alexis Jr.
Superhero Squad (4-4): Sean Darling-Hammond, Rachel Goldstein, Jamie Rahn
The Ballers (3-4): Lorin Ball, Meiling Huang, Paul Kasemir
The Wings (2-4): David Yarter, Melanie Hunt, Thomas Stillings
Man, this is some pretty thin gruel. Subpar teams in contention is nothing unusual for professional leagues, but usually they at least have winning records. Labreckfast Club, the “at large” team, looks like they have a pretty good shot, but Alexis Jr. is a giant (no pun intended) (seriously 
) question mark. Can he shake off his humiliation at the hands of Paul Kasemir and become the force his team needs to win?
Fifth obstacle: Swinging Spikes - A series of hanging rods. Both competitors get their own set for the start and finish, but the four in the middle are shared.
Ninth obstacle: Final Climb - Same as Invisible Ladder, but with a long rope.
= 1st match: Labreckfast Club vs. Superhero Squad =
__L: Reyes vs. Darling-Hammond - Reyes has a small lead after Sonic Swing, then a very big lead after being clean through Ring of Fire while Darling-Hammond lands in both gaps. It’s over soon after when Darling-Hammond tries to midhop Floating Tiles, misses the second solo with his right foot, and somersaults into the drink. Reyes/distance
__W: Labreck vs. Goldstein - How long do you think they’re going to bray about this “fantastic four” business? I completely forgot all of them except Labreck by about the second Cityfinal. Also: “He is flying!” “Labreck is flying!” “That team is flying!” “Their legs are flying!” Get a damn thesaurus, you boobs. This one’s not much of a contest, as Labreck is simply too powerful. She does make it interesting for a bit when she falls on the cables between the second and third rows of Floating Tiles, but she simply picks herself back up and continues. Goldstein isn’t so fortunate, losing her footing after the third row and taking a dive. Labreck/distance
__A: Alexis vs. Rahn - No one’s feeling the heat more than Alexis; if he can’t lead his team to victory over this sorry field, he’s going to be living it down for a long time. It’s a terrific start as both men set a quick pace and are clean through Ring of Fire. Rahn seems to find another gear after Swing Jump and shoots to the lead. Both successfully midhop, and Rahn maintains a slim lead going into Swinging Spikes. Alexis, never all that impressive with upper-body obstacles, can’t keep up the pace, and Rahn makes his victory charge unopposed. Rahn/finish
Oh crumpets, here we go again. Leadoff guy kicks butt, woman kicks butt, anchor gets left in the dust and then they realize they have next to no chance of winning the money heat. I haven’t been keeping track, but it seems like the team that wins the first two legs ends up losing the tiebreaker a lot. Which goes back to the point I made many, many times before, and I’m not deliberately trying to bore you, so let’s just get it over with.
__T: Reyes vs. Rahn - Rahn takes the early lead. Reyes gets too weak a swing on Sonic Swing and needs a second go, and this one’s all but over so long as Rahn avoids mistakes. Rahn is on Ring of Fire…HE’S DOWN! HE’S DOWN! He hits the second gap and can’t hold on! Now all Reyes needs to do is avoid the same catastrophe and he’s got this! Avoids the first gap…caught in the second…taking his time getting out…and he’s out, and he sticks the landing! Reyes/distance
LABRECKFAST CLUB WINS
Well, sometimes you’re Stupor Duck, and sometimes you’re the submarine that blasts Stupor Duck with a torpedo. (Oh, just go with it, I got work tomorrow. :D)
= 2nd match: The Ballers vs. The Wings =
__L: Ball vs. Yarter - Yarter is clean through Ring of Fire while Ball gets hung up in the second gap. They set virtually the same pace through Swing Jump and Floating Tiles, with Ball midhopping but unable to close the gap. Yarter gets on the…no he doesn’t! He reaches for the second and third spikes, completely misses with both hands, and takes a dive! Ball hesitates briefly before starting, knowing that time is on his side, and he completes the crossing with little trouble. Ball/distance
__W: Huang vs. Hunt - Hunt takes absolutely forever to get through Ring of Fire; Huang is already looking at Swinging Spikes by the time she gets out. Huang, who has questionable stamina, struggles a bit with the spikes but gets to…what’s this? Just past the solo row, she grabs both sides and goes right for the dismount! She lands on the very edge…falls on her side…and…and…stays dry! She made it! And of course Hunt has to spoil it by collapsing on Swing Jump, but whatever. Huang goes up the wall and looks exhausted but highly satisfied. Huang/distance
__A: Kasemir vs. Stillings - Both men are dead even through Sonic Swing. Kasemir is clean through Ring of Fire while Stillings hits the second gap; he manages to dismount from there but has fallen behind. He runs hard, but Kasemir is rock-solid and never gives any kind of opening, and Stillings faltering at the end of Swinging Spikes closes the door. Kasemir/finish
THE BALLERS WINS
After barely sneaking into the relay two weeks ago, Kasemir and company look like they’re in the driver’s seat. Could there be a second time? (Well, they certainly hope not, because the first time Kasemir utterly bungled…ah, not gonna rehash it, you saw what I saw. )
= 3rd match: Labreckfast Club vs. The Wings =
__W: Labreck vs. Hunt - 3WA’d and pushed up. Hunt, who’s contributed absolutely nothing to her team up to this point, throws in yet another clunker when she stumbles on the starting platform of Swing Jump and falls all the way into the water. Oh, and Labreck hits the buzzer, but c’mon, anyone can hit the buzzer when there’s no pressure. Labreck/distance
__L: Reyes vs. Yarter - Baj notes that Reyes is 4-0 up to this point, and given the miserable track record of jinxes in NW, owing mainly to the fact that they don’t exist, you have to like his chances for a high five. Both men look impressive at the start, completely clean through the first three obstacles and setting a very fast pace. Reyes is first to the tiles and…oh no. You cannot just stand there and watch your opponent sprint off into the sunset! You’re not Wile E. Coyote! I don’t care if the tiles are shaking a bit! Reyes capitalizes on his opponents’ cowardice and hits the buzzer with plenty of ground to spare. Yarter does the “spite hit the buzzer” and shouts in frustration. Yikes. Reyes/finish
__A: Alexis vs. Stillings - Stillings battled his way to the relay once, but now he has to pull double duty to repeat that feat. Meanwhile, it’s the moment of truth for Alexis; beat the opposing anchor and get to the relay or forever hold your peace. Alexis gets off to a fine start, sweeping through Ring of Fire at a remarkable speed, then wasting no time on Swing Jump. Stillings gets a fantastic swing, but his feet hit the water. Could this spell trouble? Both men midhop the tiles; Stillings is more agile on the exit and is catching up fast. Alexis gets on the second spike; Stillings…soars all the way to the fourth spike! He then proceeds to get to the solo row first, and that’s all she wrote: Stillings nimbly dismounts and sprints up the wall while Alexis can do nothing but watch. Stillings/finish
Alexis, after a very nice win over Ryan Stratis, has lost four in a row, and not one of them was close. In all honesty, he hasn’t been horrible, but being the anchor requires a helluva lot more than “not horrible”. He should consider himself incredibly lucky if anyone at all is interested in him for the next TNW. (Or perhaps incredibly unlucky.)
Well, it’s pretty obvious who it’s going to be for the tiebreaker, so the story is a perfect record and a 4-0 day on the line and an anchor’s first real test. It doesn’t get much better than this.
__T: Reyes vs. Stillings - Stillings is first out of Sonic Swing. Stillings makes a successful second-gap dismount…AND REYES GOES DOWN! He hits the second gap and can’t hold on (stop me if you’ve heard this before )! Stillings/distance
THE WINGS WINS
Wow. Looks like the pressure of carrying the team on his back finally caught up to Reyes. He gets his first blemish, Joe Moravsky remains alone on the mountain, and The Wings pull another one out of their tailfeathers. Even the triumphant Stillings looks shocked by what happened.
All right, I don’t normally spend much time on postmatch interviews, but this is just too perfect to pass up.
Curry: Most importantly, this was an unbelievable performance throughout this entire competition for Labreckfast Club. Flex, you have to be happy with your team here.
Labreck: Yeah, definitely happy with my team. We put it all out there; that’s all you can ask for.
Curry: Guys, let’s give it up for Labreckfast Club! Congratulations on a great effort, you guys.
Good gravy. That was a…Girardian level of spin there. Gotta give Labreck credit for keeping her composure. If the man I picked to be the star ended up almost singlehandedly wrecking the team, I’d have difficulty feeling anything other than burning rage or mortifying embarrassment. Maybe both, just to be on the safe side.
= 4th match: Superhero Squad vs. The Ballers =
__L: Darling-Hammond vs. Ball - Darling-Hammond gets tied up in the second gap while Ball is clean as a whistle, and that’s all he’d need. Darling-Hammond manages to catch up on the middle spikes, but Ball duplicates Huang’s long-distance dismount, and he completes the wire-to-wire victory. Ball/finish
__W: Goldstein vs. Huang - No idea what that wiggly-fingers thing is and don’t care enough to look it up. Huang does another one of her plane-crash Ring of Fire dismounts (some YouTuber has to make a compilation of these) but gets up as always and takes the lead. The position stays largely the same by the time Huang begins Swinging Spikes. The strain is clearly visible on her face, and she’s only made it to the solo row by the time Goldstein begins. Regrettably, that’s all the drama there’d ever be, as Goldstein isn’t an upper-body terror either, and Huang has no trouble hitting a second buzzer. Credit Goldstein for completing the obstacle and staying dry, though…honestly didn’t think she would! Huang/finish
__A: Rahn vs. Kasemir - Rahn is off to the races, and Kasemir is pumping hard to keep up. Both blitz through Ring of Fire, and the gap stays the same. Rahn midhops the tiles…and he falls on the landing platform…but doesn’t go down! But Kasemir is catching up fast; he midhops and…falls in the exact same place! Rahn pulls ahead on the spikes and never looks back. Rahn/finish
Things just can never be easy for Superhero Squad; all four of their matches this event have gone to a tiebreaker. Now it’s Decision Time. Does Superhero Squad give Rahn a fourth run, which was exactly what doomed Reyes a short while ago, or do they give it to Darling-Hammond, who’s been unimpressive and might not be able to handle the pressure of a tiebreaker? Do the Ballers go with Kasemir and risk wearing him out for the relay or go with Ball and risk coming up short?
__T: Rahn vs. Ball - Yes, Ise, “captain vs. captain”, that’s exactly what the significance of this matchup is. :rolleyes: Rahn shows his superior speed by taking the early lead. Rahn is clean through the Ring of Fire…oh my prelim #7, it’s happening again! Ball hits the second gap, gets turned around, and falls straight into the water! Rahn, seemingly oblivious to his fate, goes all the way to the buzzer. Well, if he was worried about wearing himself out, he wouldn’t have agreed to run a fourth heat, now, would he? Rahn/distance
SUPERHERO SQUAD WINS
One of these days I have to go back and tally up all the results for the teams that started the day 5-0, because it seems that going full Chernobyl after that and missing the relay seems to happen way more than it should. On a somewhat related note, I noticed during this broadcast that Ise and Baj have completely given up the “Winning the first match gives you a huuuuge advantage because you take on a weaker team in the knockout round!” narrative that they’ve been banging more or less nonstop from the first prelim. Given what happened today, it looks like they jumped off that particular sinking ship just in time.
I’ll forgive Ise’s factual blunder. I mean, at this point it’s like strapping a firecracker to an atomic bomb.
So it’s a 4-9 team against a 7-9 team in the final. Baseball only wishes it had this kind of parity. 
= Final: The Wings (Hunt, Stillings, Yarter) vs. Superhero Squad (Goldstein, Darling-Hammond, Rahn) ==
Did Baj actually say “Elite Eight”??? Damn, you’d better hope no one from CBS is watching this! You’re going to get flooded with hate mail, and it’d be incredibly bizarre and sad if that was what triggered it!
Goldstein takes the early lead but is slow up the steps to Ring of Fire, and both women start at the same time. Goldstein finds the second gap; Hunt the first. Goldstein has a better handle on this obstacle and gets out quickly, while Hunt takes a while. Goldstein struggles on the net but makes it through for the tag…
Uggghh. GodDAMMIT, Hunt. This was arguably worse than her last splashdown on Swing Jump. That at least was caused by a stumble, whereupon she has absolutely no excuse here. She Tarzans it despite her incredible, incredible lack of skill (out of “why don’t you use the bar” stuff to say…that’s the problem with seeing the same dumb mistakes over and over and over) and manages to get all of halfway across before she’s deep-sixed. Wait, since Goldstein…yeah, the 10 second penalty begins after Darling-Hammond has already begun.
And that’s all she wrote. Stillings flying fly-flies as fly as he fly, and Yarter upper-bodies like a boss, but it’s hopeless. Rahn is at the 20’ mark by the time Yarter begins, and despite slowing a bit near the top (hey, it’s been a busy day for him) hits the buzzer with a Golden Lasso to spare. (C’mon, I had to put in a Wonder Woman reference somewhere. )
SUPERHERO SQUAD WINS
MVP picks: Reyes, Huang, Rahn. Labreck was strong as always, but Huang gets the edge for needing to work harder. And that dismount. That was pretty cool.
All right…I said I’d get back to this, so let me state my position as succinctly as I can in my current mental state.
During the time I was growing up, the 80’s, every bit of prejudice was mainstream and completely ingrained into the national psyche. Any life other than straight, married with at least one child, fit, passionate about if not utterly obsessed with sports, religious, simpleminded, unquestioning, utterly terrified of any song harder than Rock This Town, and having absolutely no gender or psychological or identity issues whatsoever, was abnormal and made it perfectly acceptable to heap endless abuse upon that person, and the more that person differed, the more vile the abuse could get. As you may have guessed from several dozens of posts I made about this subject over the years, I was one of them. And while admittedly Hawaii is better than most parts of the country, believe me, the penalties for not toeing the line to the absolute letter could get severe.
And that was why I was an Olympics homer growing up…because the Eastern Bloc, to me, represented the forces of jerkishness and sliminess that plagued me my entire childhood and were coddled and enabled to an absolutely freakish extent by the very adult authority figures who were supposed to be teaching them manners. They doped, they flouted rules, they got inflated marks from judges (who, if they could be bothered at all to defend their howlers, would offer mealy-mouthed evasions sightly less credible than “They’re not laughing at you, they’re laughing with you”), and on the extremely rare instances they were challenged, they’d just stack the ruling panel with their bought-and-paid-for cronies. In the most brazenly corrupt sports competition I have ever known in my life, the Eastern Bloc had the long end of every stick. A victory against them was not only a blow against a truly evil empire, but a triumph against impossible odds. And even though we would never stand atop the medal count, even though the deck was hopelessly stacked against us, even though the USSR always had the final laugh in the end and there wasn’t a damn thing I could about it, I watched the struggle religiously and cheered the red, white, and blue. And when that chant of “USA” went out, I chanted right along…in spirit, if not verbally…because our athletes’ fight was our fight, and for those 16 days, we were all brethren.
Well, guess what, things are freaking different now. The USSR has been toast for an entire generation. After Russia and China both had one last pitiful gasp, the IOC is done with propping up human rights nightmares for a long time. The old enmities are gone, the old order is in the dustbin of history, entire empires have ceased to be. More to the point, we’re no longer fighting a doomed uphill battle. Did you see the medal count in Brazil? We kicked butt. And we’ve been kicking butt for years now. The struggle is over, and WE WON.
It’s been very liberating for me; since I know our squad’s going to succeed, I don’t have to worry about it anymore, and I can focus on what the Olympics should’ve been about from the beginning: Great athletes giving their all in a variety of exotic athletic contests. They’re what matters now, not crooked judges or petty officials or stacked ruling panels.
And that is the very reason I could barely watch USA vs. The World 3. Because, for whatever damned reason, it’s fighting a battle that ended years ago, and when NBC gives short shrift to the opposition, it’s not a blow against a corrupt system, it’s good athletes getting shafted. The USA isn’t a scrappy underdog fighting and clawing to the bitter end against an evil empire, it’s a powerhouse. We SHOULD win the damn thing, because we get our pick of the best of the best Ninjas, some of whom have been practicing on these specific obstacles for years. Anyone who chants yoo-ess-ay is rooting for the house, and I can’t ever get behind that.
On top of that, it’s REALLY FREAKING IRRITATING. Heck, I never liked “beeh daah waaw”, but it’s only a few seconds, and only if someone gets to Warped Wall and doesn’t get up right away (which is becoming rare these days). But the same three damn syllables over and over and over, on and on and on (did I mention this thing was three flippin’ hours?)…cannot, cannot tolerate.
I’m done with USA vs. The World. Will not recap, will not watch, will not even think about. I’m too old for this crap.
(Hey, I said “as I can”, dangit! :D)
Oh, before I forget…there was one positive thing to come out of it, and it can be summed up in four words: Jessie Graff, Stage 2.
First off, let me remind you…because this really cannot be emphasized too much…that this is a never-married woman who isn’t extraordinarily rich, has no known love interests, has no children, has never expressed any desire to have children, has a successful career in a highly physical and largely male-dominated field, doesn’t care for a disabled or special-needs person, and has never, ever released a sex video. She should be a goddam pariah. But because she’s so dominant and become such an inspiration to girls, she’s become impossible to ignore. You can bet that NBC desperately wanted a new alpha female to take the reins after Kacy Catanzaro failed to ever follow up on her One Shining Moment (even more so after she broke up with Brent Steffensen, but that’s another story), and for Graff to soar to the top like she did must have been a blessing. Going into USA vs. The World 3, she was on top of the word, a superstar, a heroine, a champion.
And then she goes out on the first obstacle of her Stage 1 run.
For NBC, and those bright-eyed girls, and all the other female NW contenders, and everyone who put so much of their hopes and dreams on her, that had to be like a bullet to the gut. Worse, they all knew what was coming on social media: Thousands and thousands and thousands of crowing, bleating posts from worthless wastes of flesh who couldn’t clear Quintuple Steps with a gun to their heads about how Graff was overrated and she was going to go in the tank like Catanzaro and women suck.
Somehow, you had to sense that Drew Dreschel knew this, and that, as a man who actually accomplished things in life, it disgusted him. So he made the call and gives up his spot to her in Stage 2.
Think about that for a while. Sasuke, like many other contests of its ilk in Japan, isn’t supposed to give any second chances. That’s part of its appeal. NW hasn’t held to the letter of this, of course, but the overall principle still applies. And Dreschel defies it. Knowing that if Graff messes up again, it’s not only going to intensify the crapstorm, but he’s going to catch it as well. Knowing firsthand how unforgiving Stage 2 is. Knowing that even a strong woman is going to be at something of a disadvantage in an upper body-intensive run. None of it matters to him. NW needs a bright lady, Graff is it, and she will get her redemption.
In all honesty, just getting through Giant Ring Swing fast enough probably would’ve been enough to make her night a wash. There would be the predictable blather about how she was lucky her opponents were such bums but in the end she still put 2 points on the board, oh whatever it’s not like this stupid exhibition matters anyway. But she did better than that. Much, much better. Of course, it’s wasn’t a true Stage 2 clear because there was no time limit and she didn’t have to complete Stage 1 first, but that’s kinda like saying that Tiger Woods’ four consecutive majors wasn’t a Grand Slam because didn’t happen in the same calendar year. Still pretty damn impressive, is what I’m saying.
The rest is history. Stage 1 blunder reduced to a footnote. Aside from a few pathetic “Men are still stronger!” dead-enders on YouTube, the gloaters and naysayers are silent. Graff’s lock on the crown is stronger than ever, and she goes into the next NW a triumphant conqueror.
Was kinda hoping Meagan Martin would also continue improving and turn this into a rivalry, but I’ll take what I can get.
Huh. Can’t say I agree with you at all, but hey, people are allowed to disagree. That said, you might enjoy Ultimate Beastmaster on Netflix. It’s an ANW-esque competition, but there are competitors from 8(?) different countries, and each country has its own broadcasters. The broadcasters are all in little booths next to each other, and then they sometimes start talking trash at each other. Overall a much less interesting show than ANW (imho), but I like the way they handled the international aspect of it.
First rule of ANW: no one in the first half hour is going to make it.
Brian
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what I love about this show is I can cheer for everybody. From the very person out, to the last person standing, I just love watching people try to conquer the course. I’m probably would seem pretty silly to somebody watching me because whenever anybody goes out I’m like “Awww, too bad.” or “Oh no, so close!”. And I get so happy when the beat an obstacle. I’m a goof.
It’s always odd in the city prelims when they 3WA people like David Campbell and Josh Levin. Glad to see the Godfather barely sneak into the city finals anyhow.
That guy from MIT was on the college TNW, right?
And I have to admit the “hopeful warrior” story, while schmaltzy, kind of got to me. Kind of wrecks the curve for other people working to overcome disease, however.
Also good to see my man Flip mellowed out and concentrating. If I have one wish this season it’s for Flip to finally break through and make it to the hallowed land of stage 3.
I don’t watch TNW but I think TNW is good for Flip since the premise is different. It is not about being the best you can be but about succeeding for the team. You can’t just go fast and if you fail go, oh well, next year. Other people are relying on you.
Did any of you watch the Spartan Challenge after ANW? I really like the Spartan Challenge shows, although I prefer the Ninja Warrior premise more.
I’ve waited a day to respond to this, because I’m pretty sure the way I reacted to this is not what you intended and I wanted to cool down.
But I really didn’t like the way you analyzed Graf’s personal life. It could be read as “Look at this freak: a woman who isn’t married/engaged/involved with a man, has no children and hasn’t made any remarks about wanting them, does a ‘man’s job’, isn’t blatantly using her body for sex appeal, doesn’t devote her time to sacrificially nursemaiding others. Poor NBC, they had to settle for promoting such a freakish woman instead of a ‘normal’ one.”
Heck, it could be seen as a coded way to imply she isn’t a REAL woman at all. Probably a lesbian or something. Or maybe the only reason she can ‘keep up with the boys’ is that she really doesn’t count as a girl. Maybe she isn’t XX at all. Maybe one of those XY people whose Y chromosome doesn’t fully work the usual way. Maybe a trans woman.
Anyway, it’s clear from the rest of your post that you didn’t intend to denigrate Graf – but I am just SOOO tired of women being judged FIRST by their sexuality. Even when they achieve something noteworthy, the next paragraph is inevitably about how pretty they are or who they’re married to or what a great mother they are. Do you know Brent Steffansen’s views on fatherhood off the top of your head? Has the Bull starred in any sex videos?
I bet if Marie Curie was being awarded her Nobel prizes today, the magazine articles would include “despite her challenging lab schedule, Marie always has a home-cooked dinner ready for her family.”
TEAM NINJA WARRIOR 2 - PLAY-IN ROUND, SECOND HALF
Lab Rats (6-1): Arnold Hernandez, Michelle Warnky, Brian Wilczewski
Karsten’s Fast Kats (5-2): Kevin Klein, Joy Strickland, Karsten Williams
Norcal Ninjas (4-2): Brian Kretsch, Anna Shumaker, David Campbell
Towers of Power (6-1): Dan Polizzi, Selena Laniel, Brandon Mears
Chris Wilczewski with his shoulder injury has dropped out of the competition, meaning that Hernandez is in it to the bitter end. Not sure what the implications of this are going to be if they win the championship, but a little raging controversy never hurt any sport.
Fifth and ninth obstacles the same as last week.
= 1st match: Lab Rats vs. Karsten’s Fast Kats =
__L: Hernandez vs. Klein - Hey, did you know that Klein is a flagrunner for the Dallas Cowboys? That apparently is an incredibly vital fact for some reason. Hernandez is slow on the second swing of Sonic Swing and finds himself playing catch-up the rest of the way. He does manage to cut it close on Swinging Spikes, but Klein makes a very nice dismount from the pair right after the solo row (That’s it, it’s officially The Move now! :D), and the rest is a formality. Klein/finish
And now he’s dancing after the first goddam heat of the day. After beating an alternate. Hoping this bites him in the butt; fearing it won’t.
__W: Warnky vs. Strickland - Warnky is slightly faster through Sonic Swing but gets snagged by both Ring of Fire gaps. Strickland only has to manage the second, and she takes the lead. Warnky is quicker off the Swing Jump net, and they’re side-by-side going into Floating Tiles. What happens next…man, I really could use a slow motion function on my DVR right now. All right; Warnky takes the first pair on the left, Strickland the right, Strickland hits the first solo a split second faster, they step on their respective third tiles…and Strickland loses her balance and falls! (Warnky may have stepped on her foot on the solo; I couldn’t tell for certain.) Warnky nearly goes down as well but saves herself on the cables, gradually regains her feet, and hops to victory. Warnky/distance
__A: Wilczewski vs. Williams - Ise points out that with Chris out, Brian will “now have to face the top competitors from every team”. Boy, talk about a haunting omen. Both men get off to a fast start, pulling off very smooth second-gap dismounts. Williams has a slight lead going into Swing Jump and is like quicksilver slipping under the net, and…that’ll do it. Wilczewski runs his heart out but just can’t keep up with his faster, more athletic foe, and Williams pulling off The Move is the icing on the cake. Williams/finish
KARSTEN’S FAST KATS WINS
= 2nd match: Norcal Ninjas vs. Towers of Power =
Leadoff/anchor swap by ToP. No reason given or needed.
__L: Kretsch vs. Mears - Kretsch’s woes continue as he needs a second go on Sonic Swing. Mears avoids both gaps in Ring of Fire, and that’s all she wrote for any hope of this being a contest. Mears/finish
__W: Shumaker vs. Laniel - Both hit the second gap; Shumaker is a lot faster out and surges to the lead. Laniel finally gets out but doesn’t get a good push on Swing Jump and takes plenty of water. She’s cautious through Floating Tiles and avoids all trouble. Now it’s an upper body test, which both women look to be even at; the gap remains the same…Laniel goes down! She looked fine for a while and then her hands just gave out! Shumaker makes it to safety and goes up the wall for the third time this competition. I gotta say it…she’s looking pretty good! Shumaker/distance
__A: Campbell vs. Polizzi - Battle of the undefeateds! (Polizzi is 5-0 all time going into this; Campbell is 2-0 this event, 2-2 all time.) Doesn’t quite live up to the billing, unfortunately, as Campbell handles Ring of Fire like a master while Polizzi gets stuck in the second gap. Campbell runs downhill, pulls of The Move, and brings the once-invincible leadoff man down to earth. Campbell/finish
NORCAL NINJAS WINS
= 3rd match: Towers of Power vs. Karsten’s Fast Kats =
__L: Polizzi vs. Klein - If anyone can do two tough ones back-to-back, it’s Polizzi, but can he spring back from his first taste of defeat? Klein gets a little wild on the second Sonic Swing rope but stays in control and takes a slim lead. Both are clean through Ring of Fire, but Klein lands flat on his back, and Polizzi passes. Polizzi is clean through Swing Jump while Klein makes a massive spray going to the net, and this one’s gradually slipping away from him. Polizzi bounds through the tiles and is first to Swinging Spikes. That should all but do it for…hold the phone, did Klein leap right for the solo row?? Yep, sure did! He comes up short, of course, and bellyflops into the water (now THAT was a Warrior Wipeout!), but credit the man for knowing when he needed to make a big gamble. Quite a few leadoff men, and more than a few anchors, could use that kind of situational awareness. Polizzi/distance
__W: Laniel vs. Strickland - Laniel is less tentative on Sonic Swing and takes the lead. Both women struggle a bit with the ring; Strickland has a better handle and takes the lead right back. Her legs take a really bad dip on the net, but Laniel has trouble getting through and can’t capitalize. Strickland takes a careful approach through the tiles, getting through without a mishap, and gets started right away on the spikes. We’ve never seen her on a pure upper-body obstacle before, so this is an education for her and us. Laniel makes it through the tiles and…
…stops and watches her opponent, waiting to see how she does. Hmm, let me try to unpack this. Apparently she’s convinced that she has no chance no matter what if Strickland makes it through; furthermore, if she gets hung up behind her on the solo row, there’s the risk that both will tire out and fall, giving Strickland the win on speed. By waiting, she gets to take a breather, and, if Strickland falls, take on the entire obstacle completely fresh and get an easy victory.
Interesting gambit. Let’s see if it works! Strickland is at the solo row. Every spike is a struggle now. Third spike on the solo, and her hands are slipping. Then the last…and she’s down! Now Laniel, knowing exactly what she needs to do, begins her crossing. Starts out pretty strong…on to the solo row…slowing…uh oh, that’s not a good expression. Both arms now completely extended, but she’s still in it. Four spikes to go. Thr…and she can’t take any more and falls. She had the right strategy but just couldn’t execute. Strickland/speed
__A: Mears vs. Williams - We’ve seen one undefeated go down; will the 4-0 Williams be next? Well, not today, as Mears is slow out of Swing Jump, and Williams wastes no time sprinting into the sunset. Williams/finish
Williams looks all but unstoppable, and his teammates are pulling their weight. The winner tonight will be either them or a team that somehow finds a way to overcome this mighty combination. I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for Superhero Squad right now.
Uh-oh…you gotta be flippin’ kidding me. Brian Kretsch has an injured shoulder and can’t continue. (Couldn’t see what caused it, either; he certainly wasn’t making any tremendous effort in his first heat.) Alternate Sean Bryan, the “Papal Ninja” (not looking forward to seeing his previews in the regular contest, believe you me), takes over. That’s THREE competitors who’ve had to withdraw due to injury in this event. In addition to legwork, could they start adding conditioning to the training regimen?
= 4th match: Norcal Ninjas vs. Lab Rats =
__L: Bryan vs. Hernandez - Hoo boy, definitely unfamiliar territory here! Bryan proves his superiority, pulling off a very smooth second-gap dismount, midhopping, and doing The Move for good measure. Not bad for a complete rookie who didn’t even have time to warm up! Bryan/finish
__W: Shumaker vs. Warnky - Both are undefeated going into this round, but Shumaker is going to need the run of her life to have any chance. Warnky shows her strength early with a successful second gap dismount, while Shumaker wastes precious seconds in the same spot. Warnky’s feet hit the water on Swing Jump, and as she begins Floating Tiles, Ise says “Watch for a misstep, watch for as slip.” Whoa, Ise pulling for the underdog? That’s…well, not much of a surprise at this point, honestly. Shumaker is way too tentative going into the tiles, so the only that can save her now is if Warnky blunders on the spikes or the wall. Warnky is on the spikes…uh, no, that machinelike control doesn’t spell blunder. Now the wall, and Baj almost pleads “Oh, her shoes are wet.” Not that it matters, as she conquers it like all the other times. How does that song go…and another one gone, and another one gone; another one bites the dust. Ahhh. Warnky/finish
__A: Campbell vs. Wilczewski - Campbell is faster out of the blocks and goes for a second gap dismount; it’s a little close, but he lands it, while Wilczewski finds both gaps and is suddenly a whole obstacle behind. Campbell isn’t setting a blistering pace, and Wilczewski is able to close the gap. Campbell is on the spikes, he’s made it to the solo row, and Wilczewski makes a big leap and powers his way across. Campbell is about to do the move, but Wilczewski has completely caught up…and…Campbell gives…a knowing glance back? A mocking glance? A quick check? Whatever, he abandons his dismount attempt and goes further down! He’s at the final spike before he dismounts, meaning that he’s going to accept Wilczewski’s challenge at the wall. You have to be pretty damn good to earn that kind of respect from a veteran like him! But no harm, no foul as Campbell still makes it up and hits the buzzer about two seconds ahead. Campbell/finish
NORCAL NINJAS WINS
All right, time to digest some of this…
In an event that had so many twists and turns and stumbles and miracle comebacks, this day was remarkably…conventional. Ordinary. As expected. According to Hoyle. Other than Warnky vs. Strickland, every heat went to Floating Spikes and the one that made it through Swing Jump first never relinquished the lead and won. Both teams that made it to the relay had a captain that won both his anchor heats. Most remarkably, this is the first time ever that there was neither a sweep nor an tiebreaker; the leadoff men and women split the first two heats leading to a best-of-one anchor leg all four times. That’s…a pretty incredible milestone, and honestly, it could be the last we see for a while (though I certainly hope not!).
Warnky, although she won’t be advancing, is 8-0, a mark not even Jessie Graff has been able to touch. I can’t point to any one thing; she’s just really, strong, really tough, and she doesn’t give her opponent any margin of error. If you want to beat her, you have to stay completely out of trouble, run hard for the entire course, and be faster than her. That’s a damn hard trifecta to pull off. If we ever get to see her take on the likes of Meagan Martin and Kirsti Pratt, sparks are going to fly. On the opposite end, Karsten Williams proved that his record is no fluke and, despite a near miss in the fifth prelim, he can take on anybody. If he makes it to the big dance, count on him being an opponent no anchor is looking forward to facing.
And guess what, because the matches took up so little time, we don’t need a 3WA despite the extra relay! Big plus!
= Final: Norcal Ninjas (Shumaker, Bryan, Campbell) vs. Karsten’s Fast Kats (Strickland, Williams, Klein) ==
“A little surprising” that Williams is doing the second leg, Ise? After seeing Josh Levin wipe the floor with him in the 5th prelim? You unbelievable moron. :mad:
Shumaker takes the early lead. Both women get snagged by the second gap; Shumaker recovers quickly and dismounts cleanly. Strickland fights her way out, and although a little wobbly…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
Uuuugggggghhhhhhhhh. :smack::smack::smack: Getting really tired of seeing this. Strickland has both feet briefly at the edge of the landing area, but her weight is too far back, and she half-cannonballs straight in. When will these ladies realize that in the relay, priority one is always, always, ALWAYS staying out of the water? You’re the weak link (and it’s hurting me that I have to keep saying this, it seriously is)! You’re not going to decide it! There’s no reason for you to take risks! Just stay dry and upright and make the tag! Play it safe! If it costs you a couple of seconds, that’s a helluva lot better than losing ten seconds! Yeesh.
Well, you know how the story goes from here. Shumaker casually works her way through Swing Jump and makes the tag, Williams can do nothing but stand there and fume, Bryan is nearly done with the solo row by the time Williams begins, and now Campbell is powering up the ladder and Klein fights and battles and struggles but…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
Geez, this again? The left side of the bar slips completely out of the fourth rung, it gets askew, and down Klein goes. Campbell, meanwhile, isn’t stopping; he completes the globes and goes all the way up the rope. Hey, 39-year-old! Fatigue was what took you out last time! I don’t think that’s a good idea!
NORCAL NINJAS WINS
A day that began with such promise for Karsten Williams ends in catastrophe; just as he figured out how to avoid torpedoing the team in the relay, his teammates do the job for him. It has to be killing them that they had the best record of all the play-in teams (9-4) and still walked away with jack squat. I expect a lot of soul-searching for them in the near future.
MVP picks: Warnky, Campbell. Damn, it has been a complete clusterfrag for the point men this season. For the second time the only one who looked really good was the alternate, and I don’t give credit for partial work.
=== Wild card match: Norcal Ninjas (Shumaker, Bryan, Campbell) vs. Superhero Squad (Goldstein, Darling-Hammond, Rahn) ===
Shumaker gets caught in the second gap but gets out quickly; Goldstein finds both gaps, and Shumaker has a big lead going…
<buncha uninteresting stuff happens>
…while Rahn has barely passed the 25’ mark.
NORCAL NINJAS WINS
Well, that was an anticlimactic end to the day. Whatever, they earned it fair and square, and now they’re going to sink or swim on their own merits. (I’m leaning toward the former, but like hell I’m going to make an actual prediction, of course.)