Yeah, I’d like to see them compete on an entirely unique course. And I realize that could be hard logistically, but considering that the obstacles in city courses are designed to be erected overnight, you’d think they could at least switch out an obstacle or two so people like Drew and Joe couldn’t run the course with their eyes closed.
Max - I’m not up to a lengthy discussion, so I’ll just give the gist. In a legitimate league like the NBA, there’s a regular season with all the teams, where all wins count the same, and once the top 8 teams from each conference are set, they have single-elimination series against each other, each series starting from 0. The reality TV equivalent would be something like the final selections for American Idol, where thousands of applicants compete for a handful of spots where they get to perform for the country. USA vs. The World doesn’t have anything like that. It’s the same teams and the same athletes; no cut-down, no selections. The closest analogue (which is far more prevalent in more traditional reality TV competitions) would be “last man standing”, i.e. the last place competitor is eliminated after each round. But for that to work, results must carry over from round to round. Otherwise there’s no incentive to go for #1. Now, I’m willing to concede that the later, more challenging stages should carry more weight. So why not just make them worth more points per the old system? 3-2-1 for Stage 1, then 6-4-2 for Stage 2, then 9-6-3 for Stage 3. I’m kinda surprised they didn’t go with that! As it is, I’m far from convinced that Europe had the best team. Yeah, it’s good that the home team doesn’t win every time, it just could be more…satisfying.
Any further analysis would require me to care more about this event than I ever desire to, so I’ll stop here.
On an related note, does anyone have any idea how NVN’s playoff system, such as it is, is going to work? I’ve run several possible scenarios in my mind, and none of them makes a whole lot of sense. The biggest problem is that there are 9 qualifiers. That’s a very awkward number to work with; how do you get to 16 or 8 from there?
3 wildcards up to 12? but that’s still an awkward number. No idea.
Skipping my usual Friday night fun due to the lingering effects of a bad cold I got earlier this week, so I’m turning this in a day earlier than usual.
Youth clashes with experience tonight as fresh faces like Brittany Reid and Jonathan Horton take on distinguished veterans like Brian Arnold and Karsten Williams. We’re seeing our first two completely new teams, including the heavily hyped Alexio and Lucas Gomes, who are apparently these huge media darlings despite not achieving much of anything. With no obvious favorite, it could very well come down to a battle of attrition on the extended course.
The one to really watch tonight is Karsten’s Fast Kats. In TNW2 they were a powerhouse in the individual heats, finishing 9-4 overall with Karsten Williams going an amazing 5-0. However, they were atrocious in the relays, first completely blowing a 10-second lead against Storm Team, then double-dunking against Norcal Ninjas. Expect them to run hard on every individual heat and seek to end the match quickly. They might very well have to run the table from start to finish to take the trophy.
Sounds like fun! Let’s go!
NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - PRELIM #3
3rd obstacle: Tilting Ladders - Two overhead ladders, each with a pivot in the middle. The start of the second is close enough to the landing area that it may be possible to dismount from there; I’ll simply call this a “frontender”.
5th obstacle: Flying Monkey Bars - Four bars resting loosely in shallow cradles, then two fixed horizontal bars. (This is considerably different from the regular contest’s version in that it’s not necessary to jump any of the bars to a different cradle.)
-
Brazi Bros (gray) *
Leadoff - Alexio Gomes: The Brazi Bros are two brothers from Brazil, who brame from brumble breginnings to brompete in Bramerican Brinja Brorrior, brand brow bre’re brunning bror bra brambrionbrip. Bree brah braww!
Woman - Brittany Reid: Here’s a picture of me holding a beer! Here’s a picture of me holding several beers! I’m probably going to need lots of beer after tonight!
Anchor - Lucas Gomes: It’s not a concert hall, it’s a CHURCH! Yes, churches are cool now! Please think churches are cool now…pretty, pretty, pretty please… -
Party Time (blue) *
Leadoff - Brian Arnold: [Gawd, he’s nearly as old and tired as this pathetic excuse for a profile!]
Woman - Barclay Stockett: I have a big family! Too bad this contest is really fast paced so you won’t get to see 25 shots of them during every one of my runs!
Anchor - Jake Murray: I do lots of wacky fun stuff on the course! Hey, as long as I’m not making a penny off of this, I’ll get whatever kicks I can! -
All-American Ninjas (violet) *
Leadoff - Paul Hamm: Gymnastics star! Gymnastics instructor! Gymnasts rule here, screw the rock climbers!
Woman - April Steiner Bennett: [no profile]
Anchor - Jonathan Horton: [Not much to this… injury, moving on, captain, that’s it.] -
Karsten’s Fast Kats (black) *
Leadoff - Kevin Klein: Oh, hey, here’s what a Dallas Cowboys flagrunner actually does!
Woman - Lauren Keen: [no profile]
Anchor - Karsten Williams: [Screw it, I’ll just use his own words: “It’s an ultimate feeling of pressure, intensity, excitement. But the ultimate goal is to be out there and hit that buzzer before the next guy.” ‘Nuff said!]
= 1st match: Brazi Bros vs. Party Time =
__L: A.Gomes vs. Arnold - Gomes is quicker though Sonic Swing and neatly dips under the Tick Tock net. But Arnold shows his superiority on upper-body obstacles shows as he’s quicker thorough the first ladder, and they’re dead even on the transition. Gomes…is going to go for a frontender! A tweeeelllve fooooot gaaaaap, as Bodge would say later. He commits…and lands safely! And then midhops through the tiles for good measure. Arnold makes it a contest again at Flying Monkey Bars, but Gomes makes a silky-smooth transition through the last two fixed bars…and Arnold’s charging hard and catching up at the wall! It’s going to be tight! Gomes is up! ARNOLD IS UP! They both lunge…and…did Gomes hit the buzzer? They have to go to a replay. And…and…he did! Alex Curry makes it official, and Gomes is absolutely elated. Man, I can almost guarantee that there will not be another finish anywhere near as exciting as that tonight! A.Gomes/finish 1-0
__W: Reid vs. Stockett - Stockett is definitely one of the stronger ladies in ANW, so the rookie has a tough test right out of the gate. Stockett is noticably nimbler on the first two tasks and jumps out to a sizable lead. She muscles her way rung by rung, while Reid…uses her legs. Ummmmm…I’m thinking that’s not going to work, what with objects moving and all making it way too difficult to find placements for all four limbs. It’s a complete mess as she flails her way through and nearly can’t even make the transition. Stockett bounds through the tiles and…waits. For a long time. Uh oh, is stamina going to be her downfall? Well, not this time, as Reid takes forever to begin the tiles…which quickly becomes moot as she gets her center of gravity too far forward on the solo tile and gets that sinking feeling. Stockett/distance 1-1
__A: L.Gomes vs. Murray - Murray is faster on his feet and doesn’t waste a millisecond ducking under the net. Gomes catches up a bit on the ladders, but then Murray pulls off an impressive frontender, and this one’s over as a contest. Gomes looked just plain overwhelmed here. Murray/finish 1-2
Okay, time for the Official Jake Murray Ostensibly Ridiculous Crap of the Night! And, he removes his shirt…revealing a Brazi Bros shirt. Maybe it’s because I’ve been on the Internet for so long, but I think he could’ve done a lot better than “pretend turning traitor”. :dubious:
The Bee-Bees, after a very pretty clutch win in the opener, now have their backs to the wall, and they’re up against three tough warriors who’ve always been their best in the relays. Is there any hope?
__R1: Reid/A.Gomes/L.Gomes vs. Stockett/Murray/Arnold - Stockett is as smooth as ever, while Reid actually seems unsure of her footing, and Murray easily gets the tag first. He pulls off another frontender, and A.Gomes knows he has to answer if his team is to have any shot. He leaps…and doesn’t make it this time. This is the first time a second-legger has gone down, and Eyes jumps right in with the consequence: 5 second penalty for the third-legger. And that’s all she wrote; Arnold is already on the final free bar by the time L.Gomes begins, and although a bit cautious the rest of the way, seals the deal easily. Party Time/finish 1-3
PARTY TIME WINS
Another Endlessly Repeated Nickname bites the dust, and the problem, again, was that they’re just not that great. Alexio was the only one who looked formidable for any stretch of time, and I can’t imagine him beating a real star like Daniel Gil. Reid wasn’t as bad as some of the truly dreadful women, but it was plainly obvious she wasn’t ready for this.
= 2nd match: All-American Ninjas vs. Karsten’s Fast Kats =
__L: Hamm vs. Klein - Klein was simply too powerful for his inexperienced foe, and a bad stumble coming out of Floating Tiles ends any further resistance. Klein/finish 0-1
(Jeeziz, could someone please explain what’s so freaking intimidating about an Olympic gold medallist? This isn’t Dancing With The Stars, fer chrissake! :rolleyes: Oh, that so-called victory dance has a name, cute.)
__W: Bennett vs. Keen - What the…all the emphasis on speed, a more streamlined format, and we STILL need a waiweewuwwawei?? Good lord, ANW is just hopeless. 
Anyway, Keen knocks a bar into the water on Flying Monkey Bars and soon after takes the plunge; Bennett finishes the obstacle and claims the white circle. Bennett/distance 1-1
__A: Horton vs. Williams - Williams knows that his team must find a way to win a relay if they’re going to have a prayer, and he’d very much rather have two chances than one, so this one means a LOT to him. Both men charge out of the gate, with Williams opening up a small lead. Williams is on the ladder and setting a good pace, while Horton…Williams loses the handle and drops! It’s tough to tell what happened: His left hand was on the second to last rung, there was a bit of movement, and the hand just slipped off. (Bodge shrieks “He was too fast for his own good!” Thanks, pal, I’m sure your fans were starting to miss your usual level of brain-dead spewage. :rolleyes:) Eyes reminds us “…but Horton has to finish this obstacle in order to get the POINT!!!” Which he does. Easily. Jeeziz, if that was your idea of an “announcer jinx”, add that to the hundreds of things about you that could use a lot of improvement. Horton/distance 2-1
__R1: Bennett/Hamm/Horton vs. Keen/Klein/Williams - Bennett has superior footspeed and, despite a little sloppiness on the net, makes the tag first. Klein continues his dominance over Hamm, sailing past him on the ladders and making the tag several seconds ahead. Williams takes on the bars for the first…uh oh, second bar got loose!..but he puts it back on, no harm done. But Horton is catching up fast…WILLIAMS FALLS AGAIN! He pulls the fourth bar out while reaching for the first fixed bar and goes straight down! “But WAIIITTT, Horton has to”, oh for the love of Akino, he’s already on the last freaking bar, Eyes; are you really a gibbering moron or just want to come across as one? And why do I get the feeling I already asked that at some point in the past? All-American Ninjas/distance 3-1
ALL-AMERICAN NINJAS WINS
Williams pounds the side of the pool, and he looks enraged. Damn. I gotta feel for him. He’s always been so dominant, and he had what by all appearances was the better team. Maybe he was lacking in the pure upper-body department, but simply holding on shouldn’t have been a monumental challenge. You can bet that there will be plenty of soul searching for him between this debacle and the next ANW.
So All-American Ninjas becomes the first fresh-from-the-box team to aim for a spot in the playoffs. (Yeah, that’s what they’re calling it, “the playoffs”, and you’ll learn when I learn, I guess…) This is going to be wild! This is going to be crazy! No one could possibly predict…
Okay, quick time out here. As I already mentioned, it’s become way to easy to tell when a team that’s 2-0 or 2-1 is going to finish the job in the next heat just by looking at the clock. So the only way to not be able to predict a winner is if it goes the distance. But even then, it’s easy to predict that a team that’s down 1-2 is going to win the fourth heat if there’s enough time left that there has to be more than one heat. Furthermore, it’s not even always necessary to wait until a side has two wins; if, after the first heat, there’s only time for two more, you know a sweep is in the works. It’s a bit baffling that a show making such a big effort to have sooooo clooooose finishes (with very little success so far, I might add) would put this predictability into the final match. This is something they’ll really have to look into for future seasons, because it has a the potential to really kill a lot of fans’ enjoyment of the show. I’m actually kinda surprised I haven’t seen complaints already.
44 minutes in as the final is being introduced. All right. Here we go.
= Final: Party Time vs. All-American Ninjas =
__L: Arnold vs. Hamm - It’s a dead heat through the first two. Arnold has slightly better control on the ladders and makes a smooth one-armed dismount, and he has the lead. He quickly skips through the tiles, Hamm unable to midhop or gain ground any other way, and Arnold is the first to the bars. He takes his usual rock-solid, fairly cautious approach, and he’s right up the wall…and…uhhhh. Sorry, no nice way to say this, Hamm is getting owned here. He just plain can’t keep up. Arnold takes his time sizing up Salmon Ladder, and Bodge pleads at him to go, but it’s all right: he knows that he has this in the bag and doesn’t have to rush anything. Hamm is either really tired, really unsure of this obstacle, or both. He struggles to get up and to the first of the dice, by which time Arnold is already started on the second. Only a matter of time now. Arnold completes the obstacle, while Hamm looks like he’s just about had it. So does Arnold go for Zig Zag Climb and make his victory complete? He does, and he does. Hamm gives up the ghost seconds beforehand, but y’know what, I’ll give this one to Arnold. He deserves it. Arnold/finish + distance 1-0
Quick postmatch with Alex Curry, aaaaand cue obligatory insincere crap about how inspiring Olympians are and how tough it is to beat a sports hero. :rolleyes: Yeeesh. Yokozuna material, if you catch my drift.
__W: Stockett vs. Bennett - One final commercial break…and my DVR is showing 0:54, so I figure that unless the ladies collide into each other at Tick Tock or something, it’s going to be a sweep. Hmm. Stockett is first to the ladders. She struggles a bit at the pivot of the first, but Bennett is having trouble with the two big gaps (she even has to use her legs). Bennett dismounts a shade quicker, but halts at the tiles, and Stockett cheerfully accepts the gift and midhops to a big lead. She’s slow and methodical through the bars and maintains the lead, while Bennett remains hesitant…but suddenly finds her rhythm and nearly catches up! Stockett is looking fatigued and pauses at the start of Warped Wall. Bennett completes Flying Monkey Bars and charges right past her! And she’s up the wall! And…she completely whiffs on the top and slides all the way back down, just in time for Stockett to show her how it’s done. Stockett slowly approaches Salmon Ladder, looking really out of it, which allows Bennett to make good on her second attempt, catch up, and get on first. What a seesaw battle! What a struggle for the ages! What…and that’s all the drama there’d ever be, as Bennett takes the plunge. BUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTT STTTOOOO dammit I can’t even pretend anymore. 
Stockett/distance 2-0
__A: Murray vs. Horton - Yep, 0:57, Murray’s gonna win. Never much in doubt, either, as Murray pulls off a third flawless frontender while Horton gets tied up, and it just keeps getting worse from there. Murray gently taps the buzzer before Horton has even reached the back third. Murray/finish 3-0
PARTY TIME WINS
In a contest so often defined by spectacular moves and displays of overwhelming power, it was plain ‘ol not screwing up that won the day. Party Time may not have looked explosive tonight, but their fundamentals are rock-solid. They simply will not shoot themselves in the foot, which should make them a team no one wants to face in the playoffs.
(Waiting for the first whiner to call them “boring”. :))
Matchup of the day: Horton/Williams. Call it what you will, a miracle, an inspiration, a cautionary tale. Bottom line is, there’s a reason the tale of the tortoise and the hare resonates so deeply, and while slow and steady might not always win the race, fast and slammed into the wall never does. To finish first, you must first finish…a lesson Karsten’s Fast Kats seems to learn just a bit too often.
MVP: Murray. No two ways about it; he was the man today, and he pretty much singlehandedly ensured that there’d be no excitement in the final. Maybe that’s why he has to do all that wacky stuff…it’s the only way to make his matches entertaining! 
I’m curious about this “5 second penalty for falling” thing. Does that mean that if you’re more than 5 seconds behind, you should just deliberately drop, as doing so actually DECREASES the gap your next relaymate will face? that seems like poor design from a game theory standpoint.
So looks like the theory that it all comes down to the women is a good one, because so far the winning women have been Meagan Martin, Jess “Flex” LaBreck and Barclay Stockett (unless I’m forgetting something), all of whom are almost certainly among the top 10 or so female competitors.
That rule has been around from the beginning (it was 10 seconds, but that was for a 9-obstacle relay). I suppose that, theoretically, someone’s who’s completely, hopelessly behind in the relay could take a dive and give up less time than it’d take to finish the leg. There are three reasons you’re not going to see it, however. The first is that this isn’t the NFL. These are good, honest athletes. They play hard and they show respect for the game and their opponents. Throwing a leg would be simply unthinkable, and the officials absolutely would not stand for it. The second is that it’s just not that easy to make that kind of decision in the heat of battle. How do you know when you’re hopelessly behind? One and a half obstacles behind? Maybe one upper-body obstacle? And the third is that it won’t make a difference anyway. There has been ONE instance where a team that suffered a penalty went on to win the relay (and Alyssa Beird, for all her struggles, was certainly not bagging it). The overwhelming majority of the time, once the penalty hits, game over.
As for the importance of women, let’s wait until the end of prelims to decide. So far I’m getting the impression that every team member needs to pull their weight if they want a realistic chance at the trophy. That could very well turn out to be false, but we’ll see.
DKW, I just want to thank you for your recaps. I was exhausted on Thursday night and missed the whole show, and reading your recap is almost as good as watching the show!
Hey, totally appreciated, thanks! (I rarely hear nice things from guests, kudos for that as well! :)) And don’t worry about missing an episode the first time; there are going to be PLENTY of chances to catch it again, believe me.
Another take-it-easy Friday for me (stupid gout), another early submission. I have a state holiday next week Friday, and then it should be back to my regular schedule.
I’d like to start with some early stat crunching. In 5 of the matches we’ve seen so far, the same team won the first 2 heats. All of them won the match, with 4 of the wins being sweeps, the sole 4-heater being Hashtag Ninjas over Beasts from the East. In the 4 matches where the teams split the first two heats, the winner of the third won 3 of the matches, 2 4-heaters and 1 5-heater, with the sole come-from-behind win being Team Ronin over Hashtag Ninjas. Oh, and the final heat of the day started at the 57-minute mark all three times.
I mention this because it raises an important point about trying to make changes for the good of the game and the unexpected, and often unfortunate, consequences that result. There’s no doubt that NVN is a fairer contest than TNW, and the way its set up all but ensures that the better team will win. But if you already know that West Coast Warriors or Team Tarzan or Brazi Bros doesn’t have a prayer…well, why watch at all? Yes, TNW had insane turnarounds and superheroic anchors taking control and bizarre collapses and pretty much everything about The Wings…and that’s what made it exciting! Drama! Thrills! Chills! Suspense! Shock! Awe! It was never over until it was over! Whereas Jake Murray stepping up with a 2-0 lead was like the New England Patriots being up 35 points over the Cleveland Browns at the start of the 4th quarter. Even if the impossible happens and the Browns go on a tear, it ain’t gonna be anywhere near enough to win.
It was like UFC’s long road to success. Yeah, it’s in the big leagues and making money hand over fist, and it has respectability and it’s taken seriously etc…but something was lost along the way. Going legit meant sacrificing the things that made it so fun to watch, so freewheeling and irreverent and unpredictable. And even now, I can’t help but feel just a small twinge of regret at that.
Is NVN heading down that same path? We’ll see…
NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - PRELIM #4
3rd obstacle: Criss Cross Ring Toss - same as prelim 1
5th obstacle: Flying Shelf Grab - same as prelim 1
-
Norcal Ninjas (red) *
Leadoff - Brian Kretsch: Running over rocks is great training for an event with no uneven surfaces and four pure upper-body obstacles! Yes, that is, in fact, the best I got!
Woman - Anna Shumaker: I think I can do better than last time. Wait, I was 4-2? Dang. Hey, I said think, all right?
Anchor - David Campbell: I’m not afraid of these young whippersnappers! Come on! I’ll take on anybody! See if I refuse to take on anybody! Because I won’t! -
Young Bloods (white) *
Leadoff - Kevin Carbone: I designed one of ANW’s roughly 50 pure upper-body obstacles, for which I got the nickname “The Maker”! I hope to do well here because I really don’t want that to be my legacy!
Woman - Bree Widener: I like to be scary! I think winning will make me very scary! I don’t have many dreams in life, please don’t ruin this for me, okay?
Anchor - Tyler Gillett: My day job. Catchphrase involving my day job. Okay, that’s enough, let’s play… -
Team Wolfpack (black) *
Leadoff - Ian Dory: [Y’know, living in the past makes a whole lot more sense when the past has something other than “tragically close to success”.]
Woman - Jeri D’Aurelio: HOO RAH! CHIN-UPS! HOO RAH! MARCHING…yeah, I know you’re tired of hearing this, sue me.
Anchor - Dan Yager: My wife and I share duties at work. Hey, that’s wild to someone, all right? -
Tre Amigoz (multiple) *
Leadoff - Andrew Lowes: [Breakdancing! Photography! And…wait for it…breakdancing photography!]
Woman - Meghan Beatty: You guys might not know my name now, but once that other Meagan completely falls off a cliff, I’ll be right there to take her slot! Any day now!
Anchor - Tremayne Dortch: [Man, he’s as ripped as the water whenever he flubs an obstacle!]
= 1st match: Norcal Ninjas vs. Young Bloods =
__L: Kretsch vs. Carbone - Carbone is slightly quicker through the first two obstacles, but Kretsch has better control of the rings and gets to the middle section first. Kretsch gets both rings on the 8th pegs and preps the dismount, but Carbone’s right behind him, and they collide. A second swing lands right between Carbone’s legs, and it’s nothing short of miraculous that he managed to hang on, it you catch my drift. Kretsch gives a disapproving glance back as he continues slamming into Carbone, drawing no response. Eyes claims that Kretsch is using karate techniques, meaning that you can add “martial arts” to the ever-expanding list of things he knows absolute crap about. Just when it looks like things could get really ugly, Kretsch finally gets the idea to go a little further (Yes! The upward section is there for a reason! Use it! And let this be a thing, please!). Kretsch makes a smooth one-handed dismount from the 9th peg and gently handles the tiles. Regrettably, it would end soon after as, whether due to fatigue, a mental stumble, or Young Bloods cooties, he utterly messes up the first transition, barely touching the shelf before splashing. Eyes bleats that Carbone must complete the obstacle, and I’m pretty sure we’re going to go through this entire damn contest without that stupid announcer jinx ever working. Carbone/distance 0-1
Ugggghhh…really, really do not like to see this kind of rough play condoned in NVN. Seems like begging for something to go disastrously wrong.
__W: Shumaker vs. Widener - Shumaker is quick out of the gate but is too upright on Sonic Swing, and her feet skim the water. They’re on the rings at the same time, with Shumaker getting to the middle section first. She swings very wide for the dismount; fortunately Widener is still far enough behind to avoid getting kicked in the gut, and it’s a clean landing. Widener is having trouble getting through, so as long as Shumaker can…she slips on the tiles and both feet hit the water! She’s barely able to grab the cables to stay alive, but this gives her opponent a huge opening. Widener finally dismounts and has no trouble with the tiles, and the huge lead is now a scant one. Widener is hesitant on the shelves for some reason and takes a while to get through. Shumaker has a commanding lead again at the wall, and since her shoes are still dripping wet, she takes them off along with her socks. Ladies and gentlemen, another milestone has been reached: our first barefoot Warped Wall attempt ever! Widener completes Flying Shelf Grab but looks fatigued, meaning that Shumaker will get her shot at history unopposed. She goes up!..and goes right back down; not even close. Widener goes…and…makes it! She’s very excited to get her first ever buzzer, and I don’t blame her one bit. Widener/finish 0-2
__A: Campbell vs. Gillett - Gillett says “I’m definitely going to win this race,” which is pretty much a stone-cold lead-pipe lock to bite him in the butt so hard he’ll wish he didn’t have a butt. Such was the case here, as Campbell skips pegs on Criss Cross Ring Toss and never looks back. Gillett runs hard but is simply a step behind all the way. Campbell/finish 1-2
__R1: Shumaker/Campbell/Kretsch vs. Widener/Carbone/Gillett - It’s strictly textbook for the ladies, making the tag at nearly the same time. Campbell is a gorilla on the rings again, skipping TWO rings on the middle section and segueing right into the dismount; Carbone fights hard to keep it close. Kretsch is a little smoother through the shelves and dismounts first; he’s about three steps ahead as he charges for the wall. Gillett…sprints…catches up…and they’re up…and over the top at the exact same time…and make the lunge…and…it’s too close to call! It takes the replay team a while (it turns out they have multiple angles, too. The margin of victory: two hundredths of a second! Did Norcal Ninjas do just enough? Did they tie it up? Do they have a chance to pull off an incredible comeback, the first ever win after going…
…no. The photo finish is clear, and Alex Curry delivers the news: Gillett touched down first. Man, imagine how exciting this would be if this was the 5th heat! Maybe someday! 
Young Bloods/finish 1-3
YOUNG BLOODS WINS
This has to go down as a pretty major disappointment for Norcal Ninjas; they were clearly the stronger team and could’ve easily taken this in a sweep if only they didn’t make such big blunders. If only Kretsch didn’t waste so much energy playing reverse tackling dummy, if only Shumaker didn’t take all that water. I really feel for Campbell, who isn’t getting any younger and won’t have many more shots at this. Just goes to show you that execution, consistency, and staying clean not only matter, they can make all the difference in the world. Just wonderful…as if this wasn’t on the express train to Boreville as it was!
= 2nd match: Team Wolfpack vs. Tre Amigoz =
__L: Dory vs. Lowes - Lowes has a slight lead after Tick Tock. Dory gets a good start on Criss Cross Ring Toss but gets turned around on the 4th peg and struggles to regain his form. Lowes makes it through smoothly and makes a clean standard dismount, and Dory never threatens afterward, the nail in the coffin being coming up way short on the wall. Lowes/finish 0-1
__W: D’Aurelio vs. Beatty - D’Aurelio has faster feet and opens up a good lead going to the pendulum. It becomes a very good lead as Beatty can’t handle the obstacle and needs an extra swing. (Fun fact: No one who failed to reach the net on the first swing has ever won! :)) D’Aurelio takes a hard bump off the net but quickly recovers. She struggles a bit on the rings, while Beatty…also struggles. D’Aurelio goes for a standard dismount, and since Beatty is right behind, she spreads her legs on the backswing to avoid hitting her. Good course sense! She’s off-balance and tumbles forward on the dismount but is unharmed. (Oh my Kanako, not freaking lawyer jokes. Seriously, if either of these nincompoops mentions Phoenix Wright, I am out of here. :mad:) The end comes soon after when Beatty horribly misjudges the first transition on the shelves and completely whiffs by at least several inches. Call me cynical, but if all your opponent has to do is outlast you, I don’t think NVN is your game. D’Aurelio/distance 1-1
(Sheesh…if that is Bodge’s idea of “making friends”, I never want anything to do with him*.)
Okay, time out. Tremayne Dortch is up next. Here’s a quick recap of how he fared against the five opponents he faced so far.
Kevin Bull - Bull falls on Dancing Stones. In full sight of Dortch. Meaning that all he needs to do is get through the obstacle IN LITERALLY ANY FREAKING AMOUNT OF TIME. HE DOESN’T.
Ryan Stratis - Stratis bellyflops on Dancing Stones, struggles to recover, and still beats Dortch easily.
Neil Craver - Craver screws up Ring of Fire; Dortch uses his head for once and carefully seals the deal. Yay!
Grant McCartney - Dortch finds water twice, slips all over the wall, and loses.
David Campbell - Dortch crashes and burns at Ring of Fire.
Whether through cracking under pressure or lousy luck (I suspect it’s mostly the former), this is a man who just hasn’t accomplished anything meaningful in ANW’s team events. That could change in the future, but until he starts getting some wins, hyping him up seems wrongheaded.
I mention this, of course, because the show can’t seem to stop oohing and aahing over his physique (which, I admit, is impressive), and I gotta say…been there, done that. Athletic contests are not won on looks. When he actually demonstrates some physical superiority, I’ll be impressed.
__A: Yager vs. Dortch - Yager is a shade quicker through the first two. He seems to have a good rhythm on the rings, but Dortch finds the pegs faster and catches up. They’re too close for comfort and actually seem to switch places on the straight section before separating. Yager dismounts, and Dortch seemingly is having trouble finding his nerve. Yager opens up a lead on the tiles and makes the first shelf jump cleanly, but Dortch, again, is a bit faster on upper-body tasks, and he nearly closes the gap. It’s coming down to…AND DORTCH WHIFFS ON THE BAR AND DROPS! Beatty holds her head and wails in disbelief. Yager/distance 2-1
__R1: D’Aurelio/Yager/Dory vs. Beatty/Lowes/Dortch - D’Aurelio surges ahead again, and all Beatty can do is be grateful that it’s only two obstacles. Lowes makes a biiiiiig swing to pass Yager, who simply passes him right back. Yager makes a clean standard dismount, while Lowes somehow gets stuck on the 7th peg and has to go long. He somehow pulls it off and gets another break as Yager falls off the second solo tile, just barely avoiding elimination. Now it’s up or shut up time for Dortch, who starts the third leg with a slight lead. Dortch makes both transitions first and one-times the bar, but falls to his hands and knees; Yager is a short distance behind as they go up the wall. It’s going to be close! They…don’t get up! Dortch comes up short, and Yager stumbles on the runup! One more time! It’s going to be really close! They charge…and…it’s neck and neck…and…and…
…DORTCH MISSES THE BUZZER! He quickly makes a second swipe, but of course it’s too late. Margin of victory, .67 second. Damn. Team Wolfpack/finish 3-1
(“Captain vs. captain”, Eyes? You seriously had to flog THAT dead horse?? :rolleyes:)
TEAM WOLFPACK WINS
While I certainly don’t want to discount how lackluster Beatty was, the goat of the day, once again, was Dortch, whose downward spiral seems to have no end. I’m honestly starting to wonder if there’s any hope for him whatsoever. The worst part is, if he could have stopped constantly shooting himself in the foot, this actually would’ve been a great contest with Tre Amigoz actually being a slight favorite. I’ve seen guys like Brent Steffensen and Alan Connealy try again and again and again and fail again and again and again, and while their spirit is admirable, at what point do you have to give up the ghost? I’m not sure, but I’m really hoping Dortch finds some answers, and soon.
Aw, geez, I just realized…Karsten Williams and Tremayne Dortch sinking their teams on consecutive episodes. Man, I am not looking forward to seeing the utter cesspool the YouTube upload’s comment section is about to turn into.
So it’s two teams in the final that haven’t looked dominant, prevailing more because of their opponents’ mistakes than their own ability. Neither has accomplished much of anything, one because it couldn’t pull through in the clutch, the other because…well, it’s their first damn time, what do you expect. Which one takes their first step toward a breakthrough tonight?
= Final: Team Wolfpack vs. Young Bloods =
And it turns out that the teams have a bit of leeway in the order for the final, i.e. they’re allowed to swap the leadoff and anchor. A minor thing, and not in the same galaxy as the endless finagling of TNW (though it was fun in its own way :().
__L: Yager vs. Carbone - Carbone is the first on the rings. Yager handles them a little better and is the first out (Bodge claims that there was a “kick in the obliques”, which I have absolutely zero interest in either confirming or denying). Yager is nimbler thorough the tiles and one-timers the bar, while Carbone gets hung up, and Yager gets his biggest lead of the night. He maintains a slim lead as they power up Salmon Ladder. Yager still looks energetic, while Carbone…is that a look of worry on his face? Oh boy. Yager maintains his lead on the first die, then on the second, they’re nearly even…and Carbone dismounts first! Incredibly enough, this is the first lead he’s had all night! Yager fades badly on Zig Zag Climb, and Carbone completes the…yes!..unexpected upset victory. Carbone/finish 0-1
__W: D’Aurelio vs. Widener - D’Aurelio takes the early lead, but she’s too upright on the second swing and her feet hit the water. (Opponents of Widener! You have knees! Use them!) She maintains a slim lead on the rings, but while trying to build up momentum for a standard dismount, hits Widener, which kills her momentum. Of course, rather than do the sensible thing, i.e. go a bit further, she demonstrates her “karate” by kneeing Widener in the belly. (No, I’m not getting used to this.) She finally satisfies whatever macho pride a freaking woman can have with a 7th/8th dismount, but her right foot makes a big splash. Widener is struggling; by the time she dismounts, D’Aurelio is already past the tiles. With just two obstacles to go, D’Aurelio just needs to…
What the hell was that?? She completely screws up Flying Shelf Grab’s trampoline jump, landing way too far forward, and stumbles forward and into the water! “And Bree Widener has new life! She just has to finish the Flying Shelf Grab,” declares Eyes, who’s apparently finally given up this announcer jinx crap, a rare wise move for him as she gets through effortlessly. Did I already say something about outlastability being ungamatory or something? Widener/distance 0-2
Well, it doesn’t look like there’s enough time left for three more heats, which means that Young Bloods is winning this. It’s just a matter of whether…aaaaaaand, the show just cut to its final commercial break (**Oh, for crying out loud…**there are certain songs that should never, never, never, ever ever ever ever ever be used in a commercial, and I Will Goddam Always Freaking Love You is about twelve of them. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:), and we’re back at…yeeeeep, the 57 minute mark, read ‘em and sweep. In the future, I’m going to refer to the Definitely Final Heat of the Night as a “57”.
__A: Dory vs. Gillett - Honestly, not much to say about this one even if it wasn’t the 57. Gillett is simply stronger and pulls away for good on Rumbling Dice. Gillett/finish 0-3
YOUNG BLOODS WINS
Carbone and Widener celebrate their unlikely triumph. That’s one of the nice things about sports, the pure joy that just pours out of a young team as it prevails for the first time. And the best part…or worst part, depending on your perspective…is that they won with good, solid fundamentals. Stay dry, execute, get it right the first time, and don’t give up. I’m not convinced that they can beat any of the truly elite teams, but they’ll learn from the experience and, with luck, return even stronger next time. Definitely a team to watch in the future.
Team Wolfpack…what can I say? Just wasn’t their day. Again. Yager, to his credit, actually looked pretty competent this time, but it’s obvious Dory won’t ever be on the level of Matt Wilder or Brian Wilczewski, and at this point, we just shouldn’t expect too much from them. No shame in middle of the pack. Wolf or otherwise.
Matchup of the day: Shumaker/Widener. Sometimes it’s the little things that make all the difference. Shumaker had her beat in every respect…and then completely blew it because she couldn’t do the incredibly simple task of keeping her feet clear of the water. If she does her job, Norcal Ninjas is up 2-1 going into relays, and there’s a very good chance that the sooooo cloooose loss in #4 only delays the inevitable. Eyes and Bodge always liked to preach that you cannot overlook anything anytime someone went out on Quintuple Steps in the regular contest, and today proved that it applies equally to NVN.
MVP: Mmm, tough call; several good candidates. After giving it plenty of thought, I’m going with Carbone, both for recovering from his pummeling at the hands…pardon, thighs of Kretsch to win, staying just close enough to Campbell to allow Gillett’s miracle comeback, and gutting out a crunch time victory against Young Bloods’ second strongest opponent. Tremendous effort and contribution to the team’s success from start to finish…can’t really ask for much more.
And Eyes said “sweet sixteen”, which, aside from the fact that the announcers just don’t give a crap about being sued by CBS, would seem to indicate that the playoffs are going to be…messy. Still don’t know how 9 qualifiers and 9 non-qualifiers becomes 16 semifinalists. Huh. Guess I’ll just have to be surprised. That’d be a change, at least.
- Which is not to imply that I ever wanted anything to do with him in the first place, but that goes without saying.
Wait, what?
(a) because of racism, I guess?
(b) hang on, do you watch NVN on youtube and then read the comments for some reason? Do you hate yourself?
Seriously?? They’re doing an entire round of matches and the only result will be to go from 18 to 16 teams???
Max - Yeah, that racism thing. As for reading the comments…well, the thing about YouTube is that there’s a lot of good stuff there (I should know; I write plenty of it :)), and even if it’s not all insightful and revelatory, I want to stay informed. I want to know what the buzz is, what the word on the street is, what people are giving a damn about. It helps a lot toward putting things in perspective and deciding where to go and where not to go. Yes, there are scumbags there, but a responsible citizen doesn’t ignore or avoid scumbags; a responsible citizen deals with them. That’s what reporting posts and blocking users is for. It’s not a quick or easy process, but few things that make the world a better place are.
Starving - It begins with 36 teams. 4 of them compete each week for a total of 9 weeks, which works out to 9 winners which definitely are going to advance, with (I’m pretty sure) 7 wild cards to be picked out of…PRESUMABLY!..the teams the 9 winners beat. Somehow. No, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. Last time there was a massive play-in stage where the 7 almost-qualifiers (and the “at large” team Labreckfast Club) battled for one wild card spot. Norcal Ninjas did a lot of work to earn their backdoor pass. If a number of losing teams reach the Road to the Big Dance without having to prove anything, that strikes me as grossly unfair. Which, of course, leads me to believe that that’s not what they’re going to do and the truth is going to be more bizarre than anything I could ever imagine.
I really super-duper hate wild speculation, so that’s all you’re getting out of me.
Hmm. Well, that makes slightly more sense. Of course, they could have just started with 32 teams and have the winners of each of the two pairings go through. If they absolutely HAVE to have A WINNER each week, they could have a ‘doesn’t otherwise count’ contest between the two winners each week for some monetary prize – hey, surely the players would appreciate actually making some money!
Enough time has passed that the official YouTube channel now has a fair number of videos of the runs, and I’d like to go over them now. I get that that they’re a showcase, it’s just that…well, I don’t understand what USA is trying to showcase here. I’ll just run them down:
Prelim 1 - James McGrath vs. Nicholas Coolridge, J.J. Woods vs. J.B. Douglas, David Cavanagh vs. Jesse LaFlair, Meagan Martin vs. Lindsey Eskildsen, Flip “David” Rodriguez vs. Alan Connealy. There wasn’t any one big signature heat, so these were good choices. I would’ve included one of the two relays in the final, but I guess USA isn’t interested in those.
Prelim 2 - Karson Voiles vs. Ethan Swanson, Lance Pekus vs. Tyler Yamauchi, Chris DiGangi vs. Travis Weinand, Jesse Labreck vs. Emmi Rose, Jon Alexis Jr. vs. Ben Melick. Voiles looked good, and Pekus had a very good win and deserved his moment in the spotlight. Digangi vs. Weinand was a good match. Now how in blazes does anyone justify the last two? They were complete misfires. If they had to have a Labreck matchup, why not against Tammy McClure in the final?
Prelim 3 - Alexio Gomes vs. Brian Arnold, Lucas Gomes vs. Jake Murray, Brittany Reid vs. Barclay Stockett, Paul Hamm vs. Kevin Klein, Jonathan Horton vs. Karsten Williams. The photo finish heat was an easy choice. Horton vs. Williams, as I mentioned, was a nice cautionary tale. The others…uhh. So humdrum. They couldn’t bother with either of the excellent first two heats in the final?
Prelim 4 - Brian Kretsch vs. Kevin Carbone, David Campbell vs. Tyler Gillett, Anna Shumaker vs. Bree Widener, Jeri D’Aurelio vs. Meghan Beatty, Ian Dory vs. Andrew Lowes. Kretsch vs. Carbone had plenty of…jousting, and Shumaker vs. Widener had some excitement. The rest were textbook at best. Where was Yager vs. Carbone?
Okay, so they’re putting up the first match of the night, regardless of quality, and then…a mix of the rest of the first and second match heats? I guess they don’t want to give away too much, but then why have five? There are going to be sweeps, you know, which means that there won’t be any choice but to put in a few boring ones.
Eh. Draw your own conclusions. Okay, on with the show.
NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - PRELIM #5
3rd obstacle: Pole Grasper - same as prelim 2
5th obstacle: Spin Cycle - same as prelim 2
Are they just going to rotate three sets throughout prelims? I’d prefer a little more variety, to be honest.
-
Golden Hearts (multiple) *
Leadoff - Grant McCartney: I’m a highly recognized figure in Hawaii! That’s actually a pretty low bar! But you tell them!
Woman - Natalie Duran: Piloting is like ANW in that you want to stay high above the water! Also, a plane can move very fast, so it works for NVN too!
Anchor - Neil Craver: [Yeah, really freaking crazy, huh? :rolleyes:] -
Average Jo Jo’s (orange) *
Leadoff - Jo Jo Bynum: We’re going to have to really go at it! So be it! Uh…110%! Turning it up a notch! Hey, I’m a minor league baseball player, what the hell do want?
Woman - Jessica Clayton: HOO RAH! DIVORCE! HOO RAH! SINGLE MOTHERHOOD! HOO RAH! BUNCH OF MAUDLIN STUFF YOU’RE PROBABLY SICK OF HEARING BY NOW!
Anchor - Jimmy Bogle Jr.: [Seriously? “Didn’t know what to expect from a new child?” That’s really all you got? Are you TRYING to be the most utterly nondescript ninja ever, and are you aware that you have plenty of competition for that?] -
Three Wishes (purple) *
Leadoff - Thomas Stillings: I used to be just a dumb kid, but now I own a gym, so now I get to teach a whole bunch of other dumb kids! Also marriage!
Woman - Brittany Hanks: I’m super competitive; I do not like to lose. Which makes ANW something of a mixed bag, inasmuch as it’s not a head-to-head competition, making it impossible to either win or lose. So NVN is going to be so much better! Worse! Either/or! I’m still working this out!
Anchor - Brian Burkhardt: I love going fast, which means that I’m perfect for NVN! Hopefully I get matched up against someone who doesn’t love going fast! There’s a bunch of them in this, right? -
Towers of Power (red) *
Leadoff - Dan Polizzi: I competed side-by-side with Brandon Mears, but then something happened with his baby. And since we’re not allowed to say anything at all negative about babies…uh…I’m gonna WIN, yeah!
Woman - Selena Laniel: I’m a female firefighter! That is highly unusual! In fact, I’m the only woman at my station! But I don’t expect any preferential treatment! We’re like a family! Which is good, because we need to communicate on the job! USA told me that there are a lot of viewers for which this is news!
Anchor - Nate Burkhalter: They need me, so I’m excited to step up and carry the weight of this team. Hopefully not all the weight, though. I’m not Joe Moravsky, dangit.
= 1st match: Golden Hearts vs. Average Jo Jo’s =
__L: McCartney vs. Bynum - Nearly even, with McCartney having a slight edge, until Pole Grasper. Bynum gets a bigger jump and is briefly ahead, but McCartney has much better control and gets through first. Bynum takes way too long to get off the poles, and this one’s over as a contest. (God DAMN, how many times can Bodge demand someone to “DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!!!” in one night?? McCartney should quietly walk off the platform after hitting the buzzer just to spite him. McCartney/finish 1-0
__W: Duran vs. Clayton - Clayton is faster off the blocks and gets a smoother dismount from Tick Tock. Duran goes for a big leap on the poles; too big, as it turns out, as she lands too low and her feet enter the water. Clayton sets a smooth pace while Duran has to waste valuable seconds recovering; she actually makes up ground but is still well behind. Clayton is a little clumsy on the tiles but makes it through without a mishap; Duran takes a long time to navigate them, and this one’s slipping away from her. Clayton continues her steady pace, making it through Spin Cycle with no trouble, and it becomes academic when Duran gets too far forward on the trampoline, whiffs on the first basket, and plummets. Duran was 5-1 going into tonight and always looked so strong, how could she throw in a clunker like this? Clayton/distance 1-1
__A: Craver vs. Bogle Jr. - Over almost as soon as it begins as Bogle rather stupidly fails to get any grip on the pendulum and falls back and in. Call me cynical, but I’m less than wild about Average Jo Jo’s chances. Craver/distance 2-1
__R1: Duran/Craver/McCartney vs. Clayton/Bogle Jr./Bynum - Clayton is once again faster through the first two obstacles; sadly, that’s all she gets this time, and sure enough, Craver promptly closes the gap. Both second leggers dismount at nearly the same time and hit the tiles at the same time. We know exactly how this story ends; the only question is who’s going to be the victim. They’re on the second solo…and…they both lose balance and land in the water! It looks like Craver managed to barely hold on to the tile while Bogle fell completely in, but whoever’s in charge of judging these things rules that they both went down, which means that McCartney and Bynum will start the third leg at the same time after a 5-second countdown. Eyes and Bodge are going nuts! A trophy dash between two completely fresh competitors! This is going to be intense! This is going to be wild! This is going to be sooooooo…
…and McCartney is faster and hits the buzzer first. Yawn. McCartney/finish 3-1
GOLDEN HEARTS WINS
Another year, another utterly forgettable outing for the Averages. Nobody seems to want to say it, so I will: They’re just not any good. They’re not quite rock bottom, but there are very few teams out there that they can beat, so they’re simply not ever going to advance unless they’re really lucky.
= 2nd match: Three Wishes vs. Towers of Power =
__L: Stillings vs. Polizzi - Polizzi apparently has a mental error as he gets off to a very late start. Stilling takes the early lead and never relinquishes it, walking to the buzzer at the end. Damn, it’s rare to see someone display that cockiness in NVN; even rarer to see him get away with it! Stillings/finish 1-0
__W: Hanks vs. Laniel - Laniel has a slight lead going to the pendulum, but she misses the landing area, hanging from the net with just her hands, and Hanks gets in front. Laniel almost looks like she’s catching up on the poles but has trouble near the end; however, Hanks stumbles badly on the second solo and can’t pull away. Laniel has no trouble with the tiles, and Hanks’ lead is getting precarious. She’s on the first basket…and misses the transition! And misses again! So now Laniel can put this one away…and she whiffs as well! Hanks, knowing that she has to take some risk now if she wants to get through this, jumps to the second basket…and succeeds! And…it becomes academic as Laniel’s grip gives out and she drops; since Hanks got there first, she has the white circle no matter what. She gets through, and then gets up the wall, and “woman up the wall” has happened enough times that you really shouldn’t be making that much noise, sheesh. Hanks/distance 2-0
__A: Burkhardt vs. Burkhalter - Burkhalter is slightly faster on his feet and is the first to Tick Tock. He…aw, crap, not again. He doesn’t get his feet on the foothold at all and is soon clinging to it by his hands. He’s doomed at this point, and it ends a few second later when he makes a leap for the starting platform, can’t hang on, and sinks the rest of the way in. He looks very upset. (Bodge claims that he was “going too fast”, and one of these days I’d really like this unbelievable concrete-for-brains to specify the proper speed at which a competitor should run at. :rolleyes::smack:) Burkhardt finishes the poles, looks back, and decides to save his energy for the final. Damn, about time someone showed a little restraint! Burkhardt/distance 3-0
THREE WISHES WINS
Gee, I sure hope Brandon Mears isn’t deeply insulted by this. Seriously, there isn’t much to say; the better team won, plain and simple. Now Polizzi has some soul searching to do. Now that he knows that he can’t carry the team on his back anymore, does he stick with Team Firefighter, knowing that it’ll never accomplish anything meaningful? Or does he make a clean break and go with teammates that’ll help him contend for a title? I’m hoping that he’ll choose the latter, but I wouldn’t count on it.
Ooh, we’re just 39 minutes in so far, and we’re going right to the first heat without a commercial break, which must mean that it’s going to be a barn-burner of a final!
= Final: Golden Hearts vs. Three Wishes =
__L: McCartney vs. Stillings - (Would someone PLEASE explain to me what the bloody hell the significance of the “captaincy” even is anymore?? It barely made sense when we had two-point runs.) McCartney is slightly faster through two obstacles. Stillings gets a better jump on the poles, but McCartney fights his way to the lead; Stillings grabs the pole he’s on but can’t shake him. McCartney sets a fast pace through the middle third but slows down a bit once he’s up the wall; Stillings stays close but appears to be slowing down as well. Now the test of stamina begins. Stillings has more juice, skipping a rung en route to the first die, and takes the lead, but has trouble getting the second die going. McCartney catches up and is just a shade behind on the dismount. Ootdia! (Hey, I found a use for that one again! :D) It’s tight…it’s really tight…they’re neck and neck on the final uphill section…and…MCCARTNEY SLIPS! And that’s the game-ender, as Stillings holds off a desperate final surge and…oh lord, walking to the buzzer again? I really think it’s a bad idea to keep tempting fate like that, pal. Stillings/finish 0-1
And of course, Hanks has to shriek like a banshee and waste even more energy right before she’s about to go to work again. Yeeeesh. :smack: And…what’s this? Oh, hey, guess what, this is officially the first time the Mitsubishi Motors Drive of the Night isn’t the 57. Can’t make this totally predictable, I guess.
__W: Duran vs. Hanks - And now a waiweewuwwawei? 
Duran opened up a big lead in the middle third, completing Spin Cycle while Hanks was still on the first basket, but bizarrely failed to get up the wall twice (and wasn’t even close on the first attempt). Hanks completely caught up and made it on the first crack, which meant that it was do or die for Duran…and she died (not literally :)), whiffing her third attempt and ending her run and any chance of not being torn to shreds on YouTube. Hanks/distance 0-2
Time out. This night has taken a…weird turn, and I need to sort things out for a bit. Okay, first off, something’s seriously wrong with Duran that we didn’t know about (and probably SHOULD have). So now Three Wishes has been completely on fire so far and is on the verge of a golden sweep; all the conventional wisdom says they have this in the bag. But we’re still only 46 minutes in, which is too much time for just 1 or 2 more heats, and there’s a reason they put in a 3WA, so…this is going the distance. Okay, Craver beating Burkhardt is plausible, but how does a team with such an overmatched woman win a relay? Unless someone on Three Wishes make a colossal blunder we haven’t seen anything close to so far tonight? I…I mean, I knew that someone would find a way back from 0-2 eventually (heck, considering all the times it happened in TNW, it’s surprising that it took this long), but…THIS team? Golden Hearts? They get battered to the brink and find a miracle? I…uhh. Look, I’m just hoping for an honest, believable result tonight, and with all these conflicting narratives, it’s pretty dang hard.
Anyway.
__A: Craver vs. Burkhardt - Craver takes the early lead, but Burkhardt makes an aggressive move on the poles to surge ahead, then nimbly midhops. He’s quick through the baskets and glides up the wall, and I’m quietly dreading just how he’s going to lose this one. He takes a long rest before starting Salmon Ladder, but Craver’s feeling the burn as well, and Burkhardt still has the edge. On to Rumbling Dice. Burkhardt’s form is good as he works his way across, and try as Craver might, he can’t…and there it is. Burkhardt is way too tentative on the dismount, and his momentum drags him backward, and worse, the die is now off-track. A pretty horrific blunder. All his efforts to right the ship fail miserably, and he plummets to defeat. Only after Craver completes Zig Zag Climb and hits the buzzer does he look back and see that his efforts were redundant. Craver/distance 1-2
__R1: Duran/McCartney/Craver vs. Hanks/Stillings/Burkhardt - 54 minutes…yep, Three Wishes is finding a way to botch this one. Duran opens up another hefty lead, and despite getting low on the poles again, manages to stay dry. She makes the tag well ahead, and it goes from bad to worse as Stillings can’t seem to find an extra gear. Burkhardt upper-bodies like his financial health depends on it, but the deficit is just too great at this point, and all hope is lost when he loses traction on Zig Zag Climb and slips off. (Hey, I didn’t know that one didn’t have any water.) Golden Hearts/finish + distance 2-2
And there you have it. Duran, no longer having to do Spin Cycle or Warped Wall, uses her fast feet to full advantage, McCartney, freed from endurance concerns, goes all out and stays ahead, and Craver, powerful as ever, easily seals the deal.
Now, if Three Wishes has a lick of sense, there is one thing they will do: ADJUST. Hanks doesn’t have the speed to keep up with Duran, and they’d be insane to give Burkhardt the closer spot again after getting spanked twice. Burkhardt, Hanks, Stillings! That’s their last and best chance! Don’t even think about a lissitah! You lissitah, you LOSEitah! (C’mon, it was right there, I don’t use that many puns, cut me some slack, will ya? :p)
(I can decide for myself who the goddam MVP is, Bodge. What do you think I’ve been doing for the past four weeks, hmm?)
Oh dear, it’s happened. Burkhardt is injured, meaning that we’re getting our first alternate of the contest, Geoff Lancaster. Lessee what I got on him…was on Invincabels, finished 0-2. Lovely.
__R2: Duran/McCartney/Craver vs. Hanks/Lancaster/Stillings - This is the third time these women have started together tonight, and SURE ENOUGH…Hanks is keeping it close! She gave up a little ground at the start of Pole Grasper but is catching up! She’s only slightly behind…
…aw, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, CRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPP. :mad: Hanks is hung up. She gets on the fourth pole from the end…and just. stays. there. Bodge tries to say that Duran blocked her and she lost her momentum, but no excuses; this is a RACE, goddammit, at the absolute minimum you’re supposed to KEEP MOVING!
And that’s all she wrote. Nothing Lancaster and Stillings can do now; there’s no coming back from a deficit that huge. The first blown 2-0 lead of NVN is now in the books. Golden Hearts/finish 3-2
GOLDEN HEARTS WINS
Swear to Suwako, whoever thought putting Hanks on the poles a third time was a good idea should be slapped into next week. She got up the wall! She could’ve handled the second leg! At least make a fight of it, dammit!! But no, ladies first come hell or high water. This is what happens when you allow yourself to get locked into a stupid mentality, and are so goddam terrified of change that you continue doing what isn’t working over and over and over until it’s too late to correct your course and you follow that accursed Pied Piper all the way to oblivion.
Goddammit, Duran…one, you have the least freaking right of anyone tonight to make any noise, and two, we’ve already had enough goddam screaming from Hanks for six prelims.
My head hurts.
Matchup of the day: Duran/Hanks. This is how huge leads evaporate, strong favorites crumble to dust, and eager expectation turns into crushing disappointment. One team refusing to see the big picture or make the adjustment and another team capitalizing. A cautionary tale of how overweening hubris can utterly slaughter even the mightiest of giants. My plea to the remaining teams: Please don’t make the same mistake, all right?
MVP: Craver. Easy choice; kept his team alive long enough for Three Wishes to fall on its sword, and would’ve been perfect were it not for a questionable call in the first relay. If his team is anything other than cannon fodder in the next round, it’ll be because of him.
Brent Steffensen! Michelle Warnky! I trust I don’t have to explain what’s at stake, right?
NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - PRELIM #6
3rd obstacle: Tilting Ladders - same as in prelim 3
5th obstacle: Flying Monkey Bars - same as in prelim 3
Yeah, they’re just rotating three, so I won’t mention bring this up again unless something changes.
-
Lab Rats (purple) *
Leadoff - Chris Wilczewski (Chez-1): Thank goodness all 50 states have indoor workout facilities so I can practice wherever I go! I was a little worried about Delaware, to be honest!
Woman - Michelle Warnky: I’m a trailblazer in many respects, including being the first woman to own a ninja gym. Someday I hope to also be the first woman to make a decent living at this. The gym will help.
Anchor - Brian Wilczewski (Chez-2): I’m using my CAD skills to design our new ninja gym! Yes, that is an extreme geekification of a highly physical activity, the irony is not lost on me, thank you! -
Big Dog Ninjas (red) *
Leadoff - Jody Avila: We’re like family! Not the kind that tortures people, the good kind!
Woman - Brandi Monteverde: I use ANW to teach my family the value of hard work! This is much better than teaching cooking or housecleaning or mowing the lawn or doing laundry or any of that boring junk!
Anchor - Josh Salinas: [Eh, whatever. Trust me, you’re not missing anything.] -
The Ballers (red) *
Leadoff - Lorin Ball: [Move along, nothing to see here…]
Woman - Meiling Huang: I do stunts at Six Flags! It gets pretty wild! I’m really worried about eye injuries!
Anchor - Paul Kasemir: [This one’s “Mr. Consistency”. Got it. :)] -
Team Alpha (yellow) *
Leadoff - Brent Steffensen: [Yeah, definitely going to have to rip that one to shreds. Later.]
Woman - Sydney Olson: [Glad to see they still respect parkour here. Unlike in the regular contest.]
Anchor - David Yarter: [Wow, that would make a killer training facility for a sport that actually pays!]
Before I begin, a little rule clarification: If the competitor’s feet touch the bottom of the pool, that unincidentalizes the contact and ends the run. That’s the distinction. Would’ve been great to have learned this, oh, approximately two years ago, but better late etc.
= 1st match: Lab Rats vs. Big Dog Ninjas =
__L: C.Wilczewski vs. Avila - Bodge mentions that Avila is 6’ 6”, which is the same height as Jon Alexis Jr., yet only one gets called a “giant” constantly, endlessly, ad nauseum. Go figure. Chez-1 has quicker feet and is smoother off the Tick Tock net, giving him the early lead. But Avila makes an impressive jump to the middle of the first ladder, and they’re on the second ladder at the same time. (Uh, Bodge, how is 78 inches supposed to help on a pure upper body obstacle, you freaking I’m running out of synonyms for “idiot”?) They both go for frontenders; Avila finds the rhythm quicker and is skipping across the tiles. It’s over when Chez-1 falls on the second solo’s cables; Avila never loses a step and is soon all alone at the top. Avila/finish 0-1
__W: Warnky vs. Monteverde - This is Monteverde’s first Ninja competition of any kind. I don’t think “baptism of fire” is adequate; “machinegun firing squad” is closer to what she’s up against. Warnky hustles to a comfortable lead, which becomes even more comfortable when Monteverde’s legs hit the side of the Tick Tock landing area. She avoids falling but is completely vertical and struggles to get her feet back on solid ground. Warnky takes a controlled pace through the ladders, which is more than adequate as Monteverde looks confused, even getting inverted briefly. Monteverde closes the gap a bit on the bars, but it’s too little, too late. To her credit, she didn’t look terrible, but there was just no way she was winning this one. Warnky/finish 1-1
And…Warnky cheers her opponent up the wall? And…she gets up the wall! Okay, at least Monteverde can say that she did that. Good on both of them.
__A: B.Wilczewski vs. Salinas - They set a face pace at the onset, with Salinas slightly ahead through two obstacles. Chez-2 briefly retakes the lead on the ladders, but Salinas is ahead by a hair as they make the transition. It’s a given at this point that they’re going to do frontenders. Salinas goes first, and is clean. Chez-2 makes the jump…and his feet go into the water. He clings to the landing area…and…slips backward! And just like that, he hits bottom and is done. Salinas midhops through the tiles, looks back, and actually looks a bit confused. “Was it really that easy?” Salinas/distance 1-2
Dear. Did not expect this at all. The Chezzes have been so dominant for so many matches, and now they’ve been completely taken to school by a pair of rookies. Now they have to find a way to win two relays to survive. I just don’t see it, not against a team this strong.
__R1: Warnky/B.Wilczewski/C.Wilczewski - Monteverde/Salinas/Avila - As expected, Warnky easily wins her leg; Monteverde gets vertical on the net again and gives up a sizable lead. Alas, Warnky can’t do it alone, and Salinas has nearly erased the lead by the time Chez-2’s on the second ladder. He can’t play it safe; he has to go for a frontender again. He does…lands on the edge of the landing area…bounces back and lands in the water…but this time he pulls himself out! No 5-second penalty, play on! Salinas makes a clean frontender and zooms past him to the tiles, and it looks like Chez-2’s…Salinas comes up short on the landing and is hanging by his arms! He avoids falling, but the mistake is enough to allow Chez-2 to catch up; both men make the tag at the same time. Now Chez-1 and Avila are on equal terms, and given how much Avila dominated…
…NO WAY! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING! They hit the first stationary bar at the same time, Avila gets hung up, and Chez-1 glides through both stationary bars and is right on the wall! Avila makes a final charge, but making up that big a deficit is hopeless. Lab Rats/finish 2-2
Well now, this certainly changes things! It looks like Big Dog Ninjas just weren’t used to the crunch time pressure, and the three critical mistakes they made were just enough to doom them. (Oh, and nice save, Chez-2! :)) So now it’s Lab Rats who have the edge, knowing that they just have to keep doing what they’re doing and the match is theirs. In all likelihood they’re going to keep the same order for the money heat; they’re all capable and there’s no reason not to dance with the one that brung ‘em. Big Dog Ninjas, on the other hand, has a bit of a dilemma. Obviously Monteverde is no match for Warnky, and there’s a real danger that a third attempt on Tick Tock will land her in the water and seal their fates right there. The gutsy move…and guts certainly seems to be called for here…would be to give her the second leg and put Salinas on the first. At the very least the need to switch Salinas and Avila so they don’t give up a psychological edge to the Chezzes.
Uh oh. Bad Sign #1: They just cut to a second commercial break in the middle of the first match.
Aaaaand, it’s going to be a lissitah, of course. I honestly don’t understand why these teams are so reluctant to change things up. Seriously, if you have even a guess, I’d like to hear it.
__R2: Warnky/B.Wilczewski/C.Wilczewski - Monteverde/Salinas/Avila - Warnky does the usual. Monteverde finally figures out the Tick Tock exit, but she looks fatigued, and it takes her a while to make the tag. Chez-2 surrenders most of the lead to Salinas again before going for a frontender. He leaps…and is clean as a whistle. He bounds through the tiles and makes the tag, and while Salinas avoids trouble this time, he can’t close the gap. And that’s the final blow; Avila runs like a maniac but can’t make up an inch on Chez-1, who bests him by two bunny hops and a shimmy. Lab Rats/finish 3-2
LAB RATS WINS
Veteran savvy and guts win the day as the Chezzes get off to a slow start but turn it up when it matters the most. I seriously doubt anyone expected them to win this after the third heat. It was an impressive clutch performance as anything I’ve ever seen on TNW, and if they win the final, they definitely should be considered a strong favorite. Sadly, for every winner there must be a loser. I really feel for Big Dog Ninjas, who looked very strong and absolutely did not deserve to get bounced in their first match. They could’ve beaten at least two thirds of the teams in this contest, easily. This is the first time I miss the old format; I would’ve loved to see them rebound with a steal in the second half and face Lab Rats again in the Relay Showdown. THAT would’ve been a thrilling finish.
Oh dear…Bad Signs #2 and #3: That was the Mitsubishi Motors Drive of the Night, and we’re already 28 minutes in. Which is pretty much a tacit admission that there won’t be another good heat the rest of the night.
= 2nd match: The Ballers vs. Team Alpha =
__L: Ball vs. Steffensen - Both men set a brisk pace with neither having an edge going to the ladders. Steffensen is better at pure-upper body tasks and makes it to the second ladder first, then does a nice frontender. Ball, after sizing it up for a while, goes for it…ooh, very close, but he’s still dry. Steffensen midhops…and that’s it, as he lands on the front edge of the second solo, which causes it to tilt back, which throws him hopelessly off balance, and he can’t hang onto the landing area. Ball gets through, looks around, shrugs, and thinks “Eh, good enough.” Ball/distance 1-0
__W: Huang vs. Olson - We’ve never seen Olson before, and may never see her again, as she misses the landing area of Sonic Swing and has to take a second swing. Memo to everyone who wants to be a part of this in the future: This. Is. Not. Acceptable. Olson caps it off by completely whiffing on the Tick Tock net and plummeting, and I’ll bet her teammates are definitely not looking forward to deciding where to put her for the relay. Huang finishes the ladders, see that she already won, stops, and raises her hands to the crowd. (Wow, pretty major change in attitude regarding distance wins today! :D) Huang/distance 2-0
__A: Kasemir vs. Yarter - Yarter is barely ahead after two obstacles. Kasemir is initially stronger on the first ladder but has a little trouble with the tilt, and Yarter makes the transition first. But he doesn’t have the chops for a frontender, so Kasemir has a chance to jump ahead. He leaps…and gets completely soaked for his trouble. His feet avoid the bottom by what must be no more than a couple inches, so he’s able to extricate himself. Yarter dismounts cleanly but seems to have lost a step, and Kasemir is the first to the tiles. Incredibly, he handles them without any trouble, while Yarter looks a bit clumsy. Kasemir is looking to put this away, but Yarter is faster through the free bars and catches up. And…Kasemir’s luck finally runs out as he completely loses the handle on the second fixed bar, and this time there’s no escaping his fate. Yarter ignores his plight and dashes up the wall, and I’m still kind of stunned that this is the only time that’s happened tonight. Yarter/distance 2-1
__R1: Huang/Ball/Kasemir vs. Olson/Steffensen/Yarter - Olson knows that…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
…she is absolutely dead meat now, as she loses her freaking grip on the freaking second freaking rope of Sonic freaking Swing and freaking falls into the freaking water. :mad: For those of you keeping track for whatever reason, she’s successfully completed a grand total of ONE obstacle tonight.
Nope, not even gonna pretend, it was a gigantic enough mountain for Steffensen as it was; with a 5-second penalty, it’s about ten Golden Gate Bridges too far. The Ballers/finish 3-1
THE BALLERS WINS
Zero and seven now. Goddammit.
47 minutes going into the final, way too little time for an epic 5-heater, so whoever wins the first heat is winning the whole thing. (It’s not a spoiler if you call it before it happens! :D)
= Final: Lab Rats vs. The Ballers =
__L: C.Wilczewski vs. Ball - Chez-1 takes the early lead and does a smooth frontender; Ball frontends and makes a big splash with his left leg. Chez-1 looks a tad indecisive on the third free bar, but the rest is no problem, while Ball struggles just to keep up. Eyes notes that even if Ball gets up Warped Wall with wet shoes, he still has Zig Zag Climb ahead. As Chez-1 pauses for breath, Ball gets up the wall on the first go and has nearly caught up. How hard to push is almost always a big question on the extended course, and Chez-1 isn’t going to rush things. Finally he gets going on Salmon Ladder, prompting Eyes to babble something about da faddes da fasses. (Guess two good observations in a row is just too much for him.) Chez-1 powers up the ladder and is right on the first die, and now it’s Ball who needs to get moving. And…is Chez-1 picking up speed? Meanwhile, Ball’s tank appears to be near empty; he’s still on the ladder by the time Chez-1 completes the dice. Ball grinds to a complete halt on the first die, and that’s all she wrote, Chez-1 closing the deal just a few seconds later. Ball’s arms finally give out, but he lasted long enough that the buzzer was completely meaningful. C.Wilczewski/finish 1-0
__W: Warnky vs. Huang - Huang goes all-out and has the lead after two obstacles. And then she’s on the ladders, and things get…funky. Seriously, she ends up in some strange positions by the time she’s done. Warnky takes a more straightforward approach and is out first…and that would be plenty enough, as Huang midhops, her legs go all over the place, and she feebly bounces off the second solo and tumbles into the drink. I really don’t understand what the heck she’s doing sometimes… Warnky/distance 2-0
52 minutes going into the last commercial break, 56 going out…and…wait for it…wait for it…yes! 57!
__A: B.Wilczewski vs. Kasemir - Not much of surprise that Chez-2 won this. Kasemir was on the outside looking in the whole way, flubbing dismounts on Tilting Ladders and Floating Tiles and looking downright lost on Salmon Ladder. Chez-2 easily handles the dice and gets right on the final climb, looking rock-solid all the way. Kasemir, to his credit, did complete Rumbling Dice, so at least he has one up on Ball. For whatever that’s worth. They’d know better than me. 
B.Wilczewski/finish 3-0
LAB RATS WINS
Tonight Lab Rats sent a powerful message: Stick the knife in when you get the chance or we’re going to run you into the ground. They are a scary team which could, much like the Anaheim Angels that one magical year, or more recently the Philadelphia Eagles, win it all simply by refusing to accept defeat. You’d better believe the road to the championship goes through them. As for The Ballers…not really much I can say; they weren’t out there long enough to make any real noise. Depending on how these newfangled playoffs actually work, we might see them in action again soon, but it’s hard to see this unimpressive squad making a title run. (Would love to see Huang again, though! :))
Matchup of the day: Lab Rats/Big Dog Ninjas, 1st relay. The turning point that sparked Lab Rats’ eventual triumph and showed the remaining teams just what they’re up against.
MVP: Warnky. Guess what, she’s still perfect, and now she’s the first ever competitor, male or female, to attain double-digit wins. Enjoy your moment, champ. You deserve it.
If there’s any sense at all in how the playoffs work, the Big Dog Ninjas will get a wild card slot just for awesomeness. Man that was a tight race vs the Lab Rats. Followed by two utterly predictable snooze fests.
Heads up: NVN moves to Monday this week, so I’ll be covering prelim #8 on April 10. The second Red Nose Day event will be on May 24.
Last year Labreckfast Club did get an at-large entry into play-ins, so there’s a glimmer of hope for Big Dog Ninjas. My guess is that the nine finals losers automatically get placed into second-chance qualifying, while the…remainder…get chosen based on…some tiebreaker system. Or something. Really don’t like that I have to learn every damn fact completely on the fly. But yeah, if there’s any hope for the also-rans, BDN looks to be a sure thing.
I’ve been thinking about the three come-from-behind wins we’ve seen so far, in particular, just how they could’ve happened in a contest that’s been so by the book (and designed to be that way). Team Ronin prevailed because the whole was greater than the sum of its parts, Lab Rats stayed calm after they had their backs to their wall and capitalized on their opponents’ mistakes, and Golden Hearts…got really lucky. But the one thing you could point to that all three had in common was a powerful anchor. Even though anchors don’t get double credit anymore, they can really alter the course of a match with a clutch win. Opponents go up 2-0, he takes control and shows that they’re not going down that easily, opponents have something to think about going into relays. Or he loses a close one, his team is down 1-2, but he cranks it up in the relays and says “you gotta beat me when it counts”.
A star anchor can stop the bleeding, break the opponents’ morale, close the gap, rally the troops, turn the tide, and, in the end, pull victory from the jaws of defeat.
Oh, Daniel Gil is competing today. Buckle up, folks.
NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - PRELIM #7
The Monday slot is now 70 minutes, and it looks like it’s going to be that way to the end. It looks like USA just needed more flexibility now that they were running into longer matches, but the cynic in me says that this is a ham-handed attempt to make finals less predictable. We’ll see how much success they have (in all likelihood very little).
Today’s broadcast started at the 6 minute mark. We begin with a shot of the bracket, which does indeed say “Sweet 16”, and I have no freaking idea how USA has managed to avoid legal headaches with that. It’s going to be 9 qualifiers and some kind of play-in for the remaining 7 spots. I think.
-
The Expendabulls (purple) *
Leadoff - Kevin Bull: [Damn, how many times can they tell the exact same story?]
Woman - Maggi Thorne: Hey, look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at meeeeeeeeeee! But more importantly, make this a thing so I have something to fall back on after Michelle Warnky grinds me to a pulp!
Anchor - Thaddeus Robeck: [Fast on the track, fast off the track, yeah, we get it.] -
The Lizard Kings (yellow) *
Leadoff - Kyle Soderman: Construction materials provide lots of opportunities for ninja-like maneuvers! Don’t call it parkour! Parkour sucks!
Woman - Sarah Schoback: Mom! Ninja! Owner of a gym! Amomican Gymja Ownior! Hey, that actually sounds kinda cool!
Anchor - Hunter Guerard: [Damn, good thing Michelle Warnky doesn’t have incredibly strong fingers, huh?] -
Iron Grip (red) *
Leadoff - Mathis Owhadi: [He is a sophomore at the University of Houston, which most definitely was not in some college-themed competition similar to this one a few years back! Honestly, how long are they going to keep pretending TNWCM never happened, and more importantly, WHY?]
Woman - Tiana “Tweb” Webberley: [no profile]
Anchor - Daniel Gil: My family was devastated by Hurricane Harvey, so to help them rebuild, I’m going to compete in a sport where I earn absolutely jack squat! This story sounds strangely familiar for some reason! -
The InvincAbels (red) *
Leadoff - Victor Juarez: [“Elevated animal”? He’s only 5’ 9”; he’s not that tall! Which is all the attention I will ever give to another in a seemingly endless series of goddam moronic nicknames.]
Woman - Mary Beth Wang: [no profile]
Anchor - Abel Gonzalez: [Boilerplate overcoming-physical-limitations stuff. Won’t bore you.]
= 1st match: The Expendabulls vs. The Lizard Kings =
__L: Bull vs. Soderman - Eyes mentions that Soderman started out as a course tester, which seems redundant inasmuch as he already mentioned earlier that he was only a course tester, not a competitor. Soderman gets off to a fast start, which Eyes acknowledges by saying that he is flyyyyying. Bull’s behind going into Criss Cross Ring Toss but has a better rhythm and is rubbing shoulders with his opponent at the 8th. Literally. Bull muscles past and makes the jump first; Soderman has with a ring on the 6th but manages a clean dismount. Both men midhop without trouble, and Bull maintains his lead…and…wait a minute, he just grabbed the wrong shelf! He clearly started out on the right, but he jumps off the left trampoline and grabs the first left shelf. Now Soderman has no choice but to take the wrong lane as well. Bull takes probably one more swing than he should on the first shelf of Flying Shelf Grab, and Soderman is able to keep it close. Bull stalls again on the second shelf, and Soderman just shoots by him, one-timers the bar, and is off to the races. Bull one-timers as well, but it’s too little too late. And…a weird finish as Soderman switches to the correct wall (left) and Bull goes up the same wall. Thankfully, any chance of an incredible debacle ends as Soderman easily gets up the first crack and hits the buzzer. “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” he screams, and if anyone has a pregame video of him discussing adjusting on the fly after an inexplicable mental error by his opponent, I’d like to see it. Soderman/finish 0-1
__W: Thorne vs. Schoback - Schoback gives up a slight edge after Sonic Swing, and the deficit grows as her feet go astray on the Tick Tock exit. Thorne starts out smoothly on the rings, but makes a couple of excessive motions and then seemingly doesn’t know where to go. It’s another uncomfortable nudgefest at the end of the straight section, and now I’m sure someone is paying Bodge to spew that “People’s Elbow” garbage. Thorne goes for a standard dismount but can’t get the momentum after bumping into Schoback twice. Schoback, apparently not wanting to take any more of a pounding (I can’t honestly blame her), simply stands still and allows Thorne to dismount. Thorne cautiously steps through the tiles, Schoback finally gets off…and it ends soon after as she slips completely off the second solo and drops. Thorne/distance 1-1
__A: Robeck vs. Guerard - A regrettably one-sided affair as Guerard simply outclasses his opponent from start to finish. Bodge says “Here lizard lizard lizard” midway through, and amazingly that’s only the second stupidest thing that escapes his mouth this run, #1 being speculating that Guerard almost dislocated his shoulder. NO, DAMMIT. :mad: Guerard/finish 1-2
__R1: Thorne/Bull/Robeck vs. Schoback/Guerard/Soderman - The first leg is strictly by the book, with Bull getting the tag slightly over a second ahead. Guerard has slightly better control, and they’re side-by-side on the eighth…and Guerard immediately puts both hands on one ring and makes a pretty dismount. He gets through the tiles cleanly, while Bull…
Geez, Floating Tiles has never been kind to him, but you expect a little better than this. Yep, he feet hit to the front edge of the second solo and he does a forward somersault into the water. He punches the side of the landing area in frustration. Yeesh. It’s all but over now; there’s no way in hell the unspectacular Robeck is going to make up a 5 second deficit. And true to form…
…Robeck’s hands come right off the second shelf and he splashes down! Man, it’s been a while since we’ve seen a double dip, and on a six-obstacle course, to boot! Quick shot of a dejected Thorne, followed by Soderman spewing out a second prior speech affirmation and waggling his tongue. I did not have to see that. :smack: The Lizard Kings/distance 1-3
THE LIZARD KINGS WINS
I wasn’t bullish on The Expendabulls (no pun intended) (okay, maybe a little ;)), but this has to be more than a little embarrassing for them. They never looked liked they had a prayer for even a moment. Mainly, it goes to show you that experience is grossly overrated on ANW. This isn’t law, for crying out loud; doing the same Sonic Swing or Floating Tiles for 10 years isn’t going to make you better at it. As for The Lizard Kings, the main concern is Schoback. She’s clearly one of the weaker women in this event and has the potential to really hamper her team.
= 2nd match: Iron Grip vs. The InvincAbels =
__L: Owhadi vs. Juarez - Yeah, Eyes, why even bother looking at what’s on the shirts, right? :smack::rolleyes::smack::smack: It’s fast-paced and dead even right up to the Ring Toss dismount. Owhadi has faster feet from there and gets on the tiles first; Juarez hesitates briefly and gets through cleanly but surrenders the lead. Owhadi has a much better handle on the shelves, needing only about half as many swings to get through, and even though he’s slow getting over the wall, he still hits the buzzer unopposed. Owhadi/finish 1-0
__W: Webberley vs. Wang - 3WA’d. And apparently it’s [brain-dead nickname that I’m never never ever going to use], not [same brain-dead nickname with two fewer letters]. Tweb, who had a big lead on Criss Cross Ring Toss, made a weak standard dismount and landed right in the water; Wang landed cleanly and that was it. Wang/distance 1-1
__A: Gil vs. Gonzalez - Our second “flllyyyyiinngg” of the night. If it was the first, I think it might’ve been justified. Gil is ahead early, but Gonzales is smoother off the net and is even going into the rings. That’s as close as he’d ever get, as Gil easily monkey-bars through the rings, makes an easy standard dismount, prances through Floating Tiles with effortless…stop me if you’ve heard this before. Gil/finish 2-1
__R1: Webberley/Owhadi/Gil vs. Wang/Juarez/Gonzalez - Webberley makes the tag first by a split second, and it’s all downhill for The IncapAbels from there as Juarez gets hung up on the rings, giving Gil a big headstart, which is like giving Amanda Nunez twenty or thirty free shots. The only remotely noteworthy thing about this laugher was Gil hesitating and looking around before starting his leg. Afterward he explained, “I had both feet on the trampoline ready to go and as soon as Kid (Owhadi) tapped my head, I turned, and I was leaning forward, and I was like, if I jump right now, I feel like I’m going to fall over the edge of the trampoline.” Okay, then. Iron Grip 3-1
IRON GRIP WINS
Another simple case of one team being a whole lot better than the other, and it very easily could (and probably should) have been a sweep. Gonzales may have plenty of heart, but it’s become painfully clear that any team led by him is never going to reach elite status.
Okay, we’re only 47 of 70 minutes in, and the 3WA was probably more a matter of abysmal quality than any time concern…so the final could go the distance. I’m going to stay open-minded for as long as I can possibly hack it!
= Final: Iron Grip vs. Lizard Kings =
__L: Owhadi vs. Guerard - Both nearly even up to the rings, which Bodge proclaims “the great separator”, and I wonder if he’s just decided to go into full amanojaku mode today (oh, look it up :D). Guerard maintains his lead going into the shelves, and here comes the third fllllyyyiinnggg, THE most unjustified of all. Owhadi takes fewer swings and is the first up the wall. Both get right on Salmon Ladder, and Guerard seems to have more strength remaining, reaching Rumbling Dice a shade ahead. But Owhadi is the first to the second die! I’m going to have to go back and count the lead changes, I never expected so many! Owhadi dismounts first, and…stops to wipe his feet! With his hands, no less! I have no idea why he did this; he never so much as skimmed the water on any previous obstacle! Guerard gets on first…and that’ll do it, as he’s superior on climbing obstacles and wins going away. Wow! Guerard/finish 0-1
__W: Webberley vs. Schoback - Tweb has faster feet, but Schoback is smoother on the rings and pulls ahead. She reaches the 8ths first and prepares to dismount…and continues preparing as she keeps running into a part of Tweb and can’t build momentum. Tweb attempts to pass her, to no avail. Finally, finally, Schoback gets the brilliant idea of getting to the third section before dismounting (seriously, why does this not happen way, way, way more often?). She makes an awkward jump but manages to keep both feet dry. They burned up a lot of energy and are slow through the tiles, Schoback maintaining her lead. On to the shelves…and off from the shelves; both kludge the transition (after lots and lots of swings) and hit the drink. Not the way anyone wants to put a point on the board, but they all count the same. Perhaps unfortunately. Schoback/speed 0-2
__A: Gil vs. Soderman (From now on I’m just going to highlight the Mitsubishi Motors Drive of the Night with a “MMDOTN” designation, since I don’t feel like making a big deal of this anymore. This one was tonight’s.) - Sure Bodge, it’s been several minutes since someone mentioned that Soderman was just a course tester before tonight, the time was right to remind us again! :rolleyes: And of course, a fourth flying. This is getting ludicrous. Soderman has a small lead after two obstacles, but Gil catches right up on Criss Cross Ring Toss, and we’re treated to a funky dance on the 8ths. Soderman tries to dismount and is foiled by two bodies being unable to occupy the same space at the same time. Gil goes to one arm and commits, Soderman finds his motivation at the same time, and it’s a neck-‘n-neck dismount. Soderman is first to the tiles, and Gil, knowing that it’s must-win and he can’t risk giving up a cheapie here, lets him go first. Gil gets on the first shelf…and goes right to the second, whipping right by Soderman who kept swinging for a bit too long. Gil one-timers the fixed bar and gets up the wall first, and now he’s right where he wants to be. On to the upper body test. They’re nearly as fast through the ladder, and Gil is still ahead on the first die. But he seems to stall a bit on the second die (“Continuing to fly,” Eyes? Is this just PATHOLOGICAL for you now???), and Soderman closes the gap again. Soderman…DISMOUNTS FIRST! This could be it! Ootdia, triumph or perish! They start Zig Zag Climb at nearly the same…
…and of course, Gil has to ruin a great finish by turning into himself and charging through like Donkey Kong. Not even close.
Oh, uh, just for the record, it was the 57 minutes in when the run began, which meant that this match is guaranteed to go the distance, which meant that Iron Grip was guaranteed to win this run and the next. This was such a great heat that I decided not to spoil it for you. Just this once, got it? Gil/finish 1-2
__R1: Webberley/Owhadi/Gil vs. Schoback/Soderman/Guerard - Tweb outpaces Schoback again, who gets too low on the second swing and splashes. Fortunately, it’s only three obstacles, so…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
Uggghhh. :smack: She just plain falls backward off Tick Tock. Absolutely no justification I could see. Now Tweb just has to proceed at the pace she’d much prefer to go at and stay dry, and this one’s all but sealed. She does. Owhadi takes off. Soderman’s been a force all night, but…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
…he completely overshoots the second solo! He pounds the landing area twice, which I definitely hope doesn’t become a trend for multiple reasons. Owhadi nonchalantly completes his tasks, and now Daniel Gil now has a 5-second lead to start his leg, and please refer to the previous thing I said…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
Sweet and sour barbecue sauce, this is unbelievable! Guerard goes down on Salmon Ladder! We have our first triple dip ever! And of course, it would have to come right after Bodge blathered some nonsense about the match not ending even if Iron Grip wins, even though right now The Lizard Kings probably wish that it did. Iron Grip/distance 2-2
__R2: Webberley/Owhadi/Gil vs. Schoback/Soderman/Guerard - Uhhhhhh. Truly, madly, deeply do NOT think a lissitah is a good or even particularly non-insane idea, particularly given how all three of their previous legs went. Someone please confirm that the teams must decide the orders before the start of the contest; it’s the only explanation that makes a subatomic particle of sense. Huh. Here we go. Tweb takes the lead yet again, while Schoback again bungles the second swing…and…SHE’S IN THE WA…wait, she saved it just before her feet touched bottom! Whew, the last thing anything wanted was her giving up another penalty! On to Tick Tock; Tweb is cleanly through…Schoback…a little clumsy…but makes it. Whew again! Tweb gets a ring stuck on the 2nd while the other is on the 4th, and Schoback has a chance to take the lead! She…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
…runs out of gas and loses her grip. Damn. Out of the five times she was on the course, four of them ended in DNFs. She should’ve worn a damn swimsuit tonight. That would’ve at least made looking at her less unpleasant.
Tweb got her feet wet on the dismount, but her work is done for tonight so it matters not. Owhadi actually gives up a little ground to Soderman, but then it’s Gil’s turn (and of course Eyes has to throw in one last howler, claiming that it’s his “third run in a row”. As if doing three obstacles with plenty of rest time was a sweatshop shift, you I really need more usable synonyms for “idiot” yesterday), and he’s not losing from ahead. Iron Grip/finish 3-2
IRON GRIP WINS
Hmm. Mixed emotions. On one hand, I got to see history made, plenty of action, and a truly epic final. On the other hand, none of the women looked good and it got soggier than Kauai during hurricane season. I’ll call it a wash. Which, not coincidentally, is probably what Soderman and Guerard want to do to Schoback right now.
Right now Iron Grip could either soar to glory or collapse, and a lot of it hinges on Tweb. If she can avoid big mistakes, stay upright, and start winning heats, Iron Grip has a good shot of taking the trophy. If she continues to be an albatross, she’s going to drag the team straight into the abyss.
Hold on…(checks times again) It ended at 1:05. Meaning that the extra ten minutes…weren’t actually used for anything. I’ll check to see if this holds true for next week. It probably will, and I’ll be relieved if it does. I didn’t want to give up “57” that soon!
Matchup of the day: Gil/Guerard. Gil made a powerful statement here, “You haven’t beaten us until you’ve beaten me.” As impressive a display of one man completely taking over a contest as anything I’ve ever seen. This is up there with Joe Moravsky’s grand slam in the last event. Yes, really.
MVP: Gil. Like, was it ever going to be anyone else? Still a force, still mighty, still overwhelming, still terror-inducing, still the only reason Iron Grip ever makes it out of prelims at all. Rock on, champ.
Yes!!! With the outrageously late time slot, I stopped watching and was counting on you, DKW, to provide so much detail its like I had actually watched it. You didn’t let me down! Thank you!
Awww… Really, I can’t say exactly how it happened. There are reality shows I used to like (American Idol), reality shows I used to talk about a lot but never got into the technical side, and eventually got disgusted with (Dancing With The Stars), reality shows I like watching…mostly…but don’t really have anything to say (So You Think You Can Dance, America’s Got Talent), reality shows I gave up a long time ago (Survivor, The Amazing Race), and reality shows I was passionate about…and then they ended (Whodunit). ANW seems to hit all the sweet spots, and although it has numerous annoyances, none of them have risen to the level of unbearable. Well, except yoo-ess-ay. That can die in fire.
I never thought of myself as providing a service here…but I guess I am now, and I gotta say, thank you, everybody. It is GREAT to be needed here, it really is.
Seriously, though, doesn’t everyone have DVR now? I do strongly suggest that you all, at some point, watch these runs if at all possible. No written description can compare to visually experiencing a sport. Even one as contrived as ANW.