American Ninja Warrior

[SenorBeef]

So I haven’t watched the show since season 6 until recently and I’ve been making my way through the national finals and international competition episodes. So this rant is out of date, but indulge me.

The season 7 finals, with both Britton and Caldiero winning, was a fiasco. A big part of the show/sport is that the athletes are in it together and support each other - that it’s everyone vs the course, rather than competitor vs competitor. It gave it a different feel than most competitive sports and I’ve always appreciated that aspect.

So after 7 years we finally see people with a chance to complete the course. We’re rooting for both of them to make it and we’re all happy they both did. When suddenly NBC pulls a surprise out of their ass - you see, it’s not competitors vs the course, it’s competitors vs competitors and there can only be one winner! So suddenly in the last 10 minutes of 7 seasons, we have this massive tonal shift about what the competition is about. Even though these are the first two people in seven years to succeed when we’ve been waiting for this moment, one of them has to lose.

Why? So NBC can cheap out. They went 6 years without having to pay out any money to anyone. They don’t pay the competitors for anything except winning, and they had 6 win-free years in which they had a game show where they never actually had to pay a top prize. Whatever you want to call this - a tournament, a sport, a reality show, a competition - usually whoever got the furthest is declared the winner and paid the top prize. NBC switched things up by declaring that there doesn’t have to be a winner, and implying for 6 years that there could be multiple winners - it’s not about the person who lasted the longest, it was strictly about whether you could beat the course or not. So, okay, most years you don’t have to pay out anyone. The flip side of that is that if there’s a year where multiple people win, you need to pay multiple people.

They had to awkwardly dance around their terminology because of what they did. They tried to call Caldiero the first champion. The interviewer sort of ignored it when Britton called himself the first champion. The way the announcers talked about it was sort of ambiguous and contradictory. They fixed it in the next year by declaring them both ANW but Caldiero the ANW champion, but they put together such an awkward situation that they had to figure their way out of.

And all for what - to save a few bucks on a show they’ve had for 7 years without having to pay out?

The whole thing really rubbed me the wrong way.

I’m caught up through the season 8 finals and season 8 / before season 9 international competition, so I’ll make my way to being current. I did start watching Ninja vs Ninja, which I do like. I really like that they have a “first to 3 wins” format - I hate it when contests basically have a final round worth so many points that the previous rounds are rendered irrelevant. This way going into the relays with a 2-1 lead is a significant advantage, which is good.

[The_wind_of_my_soul]

@DKW

Seriously, though, doesn’t everyone have DVR now? I do strongly suggest that you all, at some point, watch these runs if at all possible. No written description can compare to visually experiencing a sport. Even one as contrived as ANW.

I actually don’t watch any TV except for American Ninja Warrior (and its spin-offs) and presidential debates around election time. So I never thought it was worth it to get a DVR. But one wonderful thing that came out of this shift to a new time slot is I discovered a channel on YouTube (CrazyTalented) that posts all the runs in one consolidated clip, but edits out all the annoying backstories about the contestants. (Without the back stories, I think each episode is only about 13 minutes long!). I don’t get to watch it in real time, but man is it nice to watch the runs without having to sit through the sob story about some contestant’s dog needing surgery.

[DKW]

Here’s the link for CrazyTalented. It also has a little Ultimate Beastmaster stuff. I personally don’t go for the “short attention span” approach, but if you don’t have time for the real thing, it might be worth a look.

SenorBeef - I don’t think you’ll find anyone with a positive opinion of how that went down. (I’ve made my feelings on the matter clear enough, so I won’t repeat any of it here.) The problem was that NBC got sucked into the narrative of The First American Ninja Warrior, the ONE man who would triumph in the end. They couldn’t even imagine two men prevailing in the same year (it’s never come close to happening on Sasuke, BTW). I don’t think it was a matter of pitting man against man or cheaping out so much as it was getting caught completely flat-footed. However you slice it, it was pretty damn embarrassing and a gigantic slap in the face to Geoff Britten.

This NEVER would’ve happened if G4 was still around, dammit!

[DKW]

Ugggghhhhh…so many questions. And you’re going to hear them all.

NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - PRELIM #8

• Phoenix Force (black) *
  Leadoff - Michael Torres: [Wow, he got suckered into this really early!]
  Woman - Cassie Craig: Singing is a lot like ANW because it requires a lot of practice! Yes, that is, in fact, what I am going with, shut up!
  Anchor - Najee Richardson: [Nice that he was able to land a decent day job out of this. Better than a lot of American Idol winners, that’s for sure.]

• Think Tank (powder blue) *
  Leadoff - Matt Wilder: Designing face recognition helps with ANW because I can analyze the course! Yes, that is, in fact, what I am going with, shut up!
  Woman - Leila Noone: I am a free spirit, going with the flow, chilling with nature, going where the wind takes me. All right, probably not the best mindset for an intense race. I promise not to stink up the joint as badly as Melanie Hunt, all right?
  Anchor - Noah Kaufman: I…um…can’t keep this much for much longer! Yeah, that’s the word! Can’t!

• Team TNT (gray) *
  Leadoff - Brett Sims: Wow, I’m so lucky I don’t have alopecia like Kevin Bull, otherwise I’d have no idea what to say here!
  Woman - Emily Durham: I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot in ANW! Yes, I realize that’s really insulting to the women who did accomplish a lot! Don’t care! Suck it, Graff!
  Anchor - Travis Rosen: [Um, being able to walk long distances isn’t exactly beneficial here…]

• Frostbite (dark blue) *
  Leadoff - Jackson Meyer: I’m fairly large! I don’t train much and like to eat burgers and ice cream! And I have a science and technology background! I honestly believe that these are all extremely unusual things for an ANW competitor because I have, in fact, been living under a rock for the past six years!
  Woman - Zhanique Lovett: [Bunch of uninteresting stuff. Trust me, you’re not missing anything.]
  Anchor - Nick Hanson: I’m from a remote village in Alaska! I’m acting as an ambassador! Yes, I realize this is the exact same profile you remember from the regular contest practically word-for-word! If I ever get something else, I’ll be glad to tell you!

= 1st match: Phoenix Force vs. Think Tank =
__L: Torres vs. Wilder - Both run hard out of the gate. Torres is the first to Pole Grasper and continues his highly determined pace, while Wilder is struggling to keep up. Torres expertly midhops the tiles and gets right on Spin Cycle, but he gets turned around a bit and needs to correct himself before making the transition. Wilder doesn’t have the same problem, and they’re neck and neck on the dismount. Shootout at the wall! They reach the top at nearly the same time…and…Torres is faster over the top. A pretty close one, but no doubt at the end. Man, claiming Matt Wilder as your first scalp is a very impressive accomplishment! Torres/finish 1-0
__W: Craig vs. Noone - Craig gets to the early lead, then promptly breaks a great many hearts, including mine, when she places her hands on the front of the Tick Tock pendulum, with extremely predictable results. Noone/distance 1-1

QUESTION #1: Why does anyone do that?? This is at least the second time I’ve seen this absolutely brain-dead move. Pushing sends you backwards, and if there’s nothing behind you, you’re going to go down! I know we’ve had women who were slow, clumsy, weak, timid, or fragile, but how can anyone live that long without understanding the most basic laws of physics? Geeeeezzz.

__A: Richardson vs. Kaufman - Richardson sprints out to the early lead and is the first to the poles, but has a little trouble with them; pure upper-body tasks aren’t his strength. Kaufman, however, being an experienced rock…he’s too low and his feet hit the water! Now not only does he have to waste valuable seconds recovering, he’s going to be at a real disadvantage at the wall. Richardson is all alone at the tiles and can stick the knife in right here…and fails to do so as he missteps the third right tile and falls on the cables. He saves himself, but now his feet are wet as well. Kaufman nearly catches up on the baskets, and this one’s going to the wall! Richardson hastily wipes his feet and makes his first attempt, and…dang, it’s been a while since we’ve seen one up and one down. That’s exactly what happens here as Richardson makes it easily and Kaufman comes up at least two feet short. For someone who usually owns this obstacle, that was a bad look. Richardson/finish 2-1
Kaufman does an “I’m not worthy” bow. Yikes.

QUESTION #2: Okay, what the hell was that all about?

__R1: Craig/Torres/Richardson vs. Noone/Kaufman/Wilder - Dammit, Craig, you had ONE job! One! Yep, you guessed it, another Tick Tock debacle. She manages to hang on to the pendulum this time but makes a horrible face-first jump and briefly grabs the landing area before sinking like a stone. Deep sigh. Well, you know how the rest of this story goes: Torres is forced to sit and fume for 5 seconds while Kaufman sprints into the…

…no way. This can’t be happening. Torres…and Richardson…so fast…and they win it. I…I can’t…never mind, let’s just move on or I’ll never have the will to finish this. Phoenix Force/finish 3-1
PHOENIX FORCE WINS

QUESTION #3: How does a powerhouse like Wilder not close the deal after starting with a lead? Has he aged that much?

= 2nd match: Team TNT vs. Frostbite =
__L: Sims vs. Meyer - One moment, please…

QUESTION #4: A 190-pounder against a 125-pounder is “heavyweight vs. featherweight”, Bodge? All right, as far as moronic blunders by you go, this probably doesn’t even crack the top 100, but c’mon, this is the Internet era. It’s very easy to look up basic stuff like weight classes. A tiny bit of effort here, please.

Okay, now we’re…wait…

QUESTION #5: I accept that we’re going to have crowd shots, but since this is prerecorded, could someone kindly edit out any shots of someone screaming directly into the freaking camera? Y’know, if it isn’t too much trouble?

…um, where was I? Oh, right, the heat…it’s nearly dead even until Sims gets a bit hung up on the Pole Grasper exit, and it becomes official after Sims slips on the first solo, recovers, then slips off the second solo, and plunks, good night, drive home safely. Meyer/distance 0-1
__W: Durham vs. Lovett - Durham needs a second swing on the pendulum and gives up a lead, but Lovett has a little trouble with the poles, going “crisscross” at one point. Lovett is the first to the tiles and falls hard on the second solo. She manages to hang on to the cables, but Durham bounces past her and is the first to the baskets. Durham makes very smooth transitions and dismounts cleanly while Lovett is still on the second basket. Just the wall left and the white circle is in the bag. Eyes mentions that neither woman has ever made it up Warped Wall, and although that normally would be a haunting omen…Durham comes up short! Lovett completes Spin Cycle, and Durham just stands and watches, seemingly content to win on speed. Alas, it is not to be, as Lovett gets up on the first crack. Durham just turns and trudges away. Harsh. Lovett/finish 0-2

QUESTION #6: No bee daah waww chant? This was one of the few times it might have been justified!

__A: Rosen vs. Hanson - Rosen gets to a strong start (so strong that he does a 360 on the first Sonic Swing rope) and gets a big jump onto the poles. Hanson is having a lot of trouble with them and isn’t even halfway across when Rosen gets to the tiles. He handles them easily and is quickly onto the first basket, Hanson still way behind. Bodge says that “Rosen almost never makes a mistake”, and since we all know by now that “jinxes” are complete malarkey, it’s no surprise that he has no trouble with the baskets either. Hanson has just started the basket when Rosen makes his run, and having conquered it so, so many times over his illustrious…HE DOESN’T MAKE IT! His right fingers are briefly on top, but he can’t pull himself up, and back down he goes! Hanson catches completely up, and they both go at the same time…and it’s our second Heaven-and-Hell finish of the night, as Hanson effortlessly goes up while Rosen comes up short. Hansen shrikes “WHAT??” and clutches his head, as if refusing to believe that he could’ve won that easily. Rosen just lies on the ground speechless. Hanson/finish 0-3
FROSTBITE WINS

(“Heaven-and-Hell finish”. That’s a good one. I think I’ll keep it. :))

In the postmatch interviews, Meyer says “These are the greatest ninjas the planet has ever seen, and it’s like, oh there’s Jackson over then, and it’s like, that’s me!” The passing of the crown is always a pivotal moment in any sport, and it looks like we’ve had one tonight.

So here’s where we’re at. Think Tank, partnership of a fireball and a stallion, dismal failure, Kaufman could be done. Team TNT, runner-up twice in a row, gone with a whimper, Rosen almost certainly done. Richardson, dreams crushed by Daniel Gil last year, now looks like he could be a dominator, but he needs Craig to start pulling her weight. Frostbite looked very good but haven’t been tested yet. We’re into unfamiliar territory folks. Here’s hoping we don’t run into a sinkhole.

And right to the first heat without a commercial break. No way is this ending in a sweep!

= Final: Phoenix Force vs. Frostbite =
__L: Torres vs. Meyer - Torres takes the early lead…and Meyer needs a second swing on Tick Tock, and there is no getting away with this kind of mistake in crunch time. (I checked, and no one who failed to dismount successfully on the first swing ever won the heat.) Torres continues surging, taking Salmon Ladder with just two jumps, while Meyer seems to be getting even slower. Eyes finally throws in the towel with “The only way Meyer wins is if Torres falls”. Torres is on Zig Zag Climb, and no, that silky-smooth execution doesn’t spell “fall”. Easy win. Torres/finish 1-0
__W: Craig vs. Lovett - Fun fact: Thus far only two women have cleared Salmon Ladder, Barclay Stockett and Jesse Labreck, and only Labreck has cleared Rumbling Dice. I’m actually a bit sad now that Labreck didn’t attempt Zig Zag Climb, as it was almost certainly the only chance to see a woman complete the extended course. It seems to me that the smart move here is to treat this not as a race but a qualifying run. Execute, conserve your strength, don’t take any dumb risks, stay dry, and get as far as you possibly can. If Lovett does this, she should easily take out the shaky Craig. As they begin, Bodge admonishes them to “Stay in your lane and know your race.” Continued fallout from Bull/Soderman, perhaps? (QUESTION #7: Why haven’t I heard anything about this? That was a pretty big blooper on Bull’s part, and we haven’t even gotten an explanation.) Lovett takes the early lead, but at least Craig seems to have finally figured out Tick Tock on her third freaking try. They methodically make their way through the poles; Lovett hesitates a bit at the end but is still out first. The tiles are no trouble at all at her, prompting Bodge to proclaim: “Remember, this is the extended course, she’s gotta go past the Warped Wall this time”, and is it really that hard to come up with two non-idiotic ones in a row? Lovett takes what looks like a pretty hard landing on her shoulder but is very thankfully uninjured. And right up the wall a second time. Craig is now way behind and all but out of it, and her valiant effort ends when she’s unable to make the first transition on the baskets and plummets. At the end of the day, the female contingent still don need no steenkin back third. Lovett/distance 1-1
__A: Richardson vs. Hanson - Richardson blazes ahead in the first two obstacles, but Hanson has better upper-body muscle and takes the lead on the poles. Richardson makes a curious lateral move and the deficit grows. Both men are quick through the tiles; Hanson is again superior on the baskets and trots straight up the wall again. It’s looking like another easy win…until he starts breathing hard. He’s fatigued, and with two upper-bodiers in a row, he can’t rush into the homestretch. Richardson gets on first, and dang, that’s a fast ascent! Hanson gets up, and now it’s a battle of attrition. Richardson dismounts first but pauses at the start of the Zig Zag Climb, allowing Hanson to catch up…and then Richardson gets on, and it’s game over as Richardson practically soars through…I didn’t think it was possible to get up that fast!..and closes the deal.
Richardson/finish 2-1

Torres looks very good, and Richardson looks phenomenal; that last climb put him in the same echelon as Daniel Gil, Matt Wilder, and Joe Moravsky. You have to like Phoenix Force’s chances going into the relay. As long as Craig remembers to keep the rubber side down, the men should have no trouble whatsoever mopping up. Frostbite looks just plain overmatched, and while I could possibly seem them stealing one, two might be too much to ask for.

__R1: Craig/Torres/Richardson vs. Lovett/Hanson/Meyer - Lovett gets off to a big lead as Craig falls coming out of Sonic Swing. On to Tick Tock…

NO! NO! GODDAMMIT, NOT AGAIN! :mad: Craig gingerly places her fingertips on the sides of the pendulum, and incredibly enough this does not provide her with sufficient grip to stay on, and she splashes. Torres and Richardson, to their credit, do what they can with what they have, but it’s hopeless. Richardson hops like a frog demon on Zig Zag Climb but loses his footing and drops to the mat. Frostbite/distance 2-2

QUESTION #8: What the hell is Craig even DOING out there? This has gone way beyond even Melanie Hunt territory; at least she was just making stupid mistakes. Craig looks like she’s not making any effort whatsoever or actively sabotaging her team. Is there gambling involved? There has to be gambling involved. I simply cannot believe that anyone that mindless could’ve been chosen for a team competition. Geeeeeezzzzzz.

While I’m at it…

QUESTION #9: How is it that USA is allowing such clueless, inept women into NVN? For weeks, months, years, I’ve heard it over and over and over how strong the women were, how capable they were, how they were every bit the equal of men and were inspirational and showed how anyone could blah blah blah blah. Well, if you throw in a complete bum like Craig, that kinda ruins the party, doesn’t it? Heck, Sarah Schoback was bad enough. And especially in a team competition, where two men also have to pay the price for her crushing ineptitude. Putting hopeless women on the course benefits nobody and nothing, and also invites tons of sexist tripe from the usual gang of wastes of oxygen, so why have them on at all?

I’m not finished.

QUESTION #10: And why isn’t anyone willing to tell the damn truth about this? I can understand if she was selected for demographics and isn’t really expected to get very far, but in NVN, everyone’s supposed to be playing to win. And yes, there will be mistakes and setbacks and age catching up at the worst possible time, but we’re talking repeatedly screwing up simple, fundamental things like holding onto a goddam cylinder that has a foothold, and KILLING HER TEAM because of it. No one can even muster a simple “Maybe she’s not ready for this”? No one??

Huh. All right, we’re at the best-of-one relay, and…it’s not going to be a lissitah? And it’s the winner of the first relay that’s making the adjustment? Hot dang, that almost makes up for 10% of the crap in this episode! Since of course Lovett isn’t going anywhere, it has to be a leadoff/anchor swap. Apparently they think that Hanson, who can surge so long as he doesn’t have to do nine obstacles, would be a better matchup for the absolutely on-fire Richardson.

It wasn’t a particularly auspicious path to this point, but if you don’t appreciate the thrill of win-or-go-home, you don’t appreciate sports. Right on! Let’s…

You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

QUESTION #11: USA had their reasons to move this to Monday. I’m not going to quibble over that. I get strategic schedule changes (I still remember The Simpsons famous challenge of The Cosby Show), and my DVR can handle them, so it’s not a problem for me. So why 11:05 to 12:15?? That is a super, super awkward slot. I understand how the clock spoiling the final heat every time would be a problem (well, not for me, but again, there’s a great big world out there that isn’t me), but if they’re going to go over an hour anyway, why not make it a straight 1:30 show and put in a postgame wrapup at the end, as opposed to this ridiculous mutant slot that my DVR can’t deal with at all?

Oh, about that…I set the recording to “end 1 minute after” (because the final seconds kept getting cut of). But because of USA’s extremely drunken finagling with time slots, my DVR only recorded from 11:05 to 12:06…cutting off just before the start of the final heat. I recall a similar mishap in the pay-per-view telecast UFC 4. I do not like being able to draw comparisons between my television shows and early UFC.

Replays don’t air until Sunday, so now I have no choice but to read the recap at americanninjawarriornation.com to get some idea of how this titanic battle ended. Here goes…“Things were all tied up. It came down to one last race. Frostbite shifted their run order, putting Jackson in the middle and Nick at the end.” As expected.

__R2: Craig/Torres/Richardson - Lovett/Meyer/Hanson - “In a worrisome moment before the race, Najee sat down, looking exhausted.” Ooh, drama!

“It was a repeat once more at the start. Cassie fell at the Tick Tock…”

:smack::smack::smack::smack::smack::mad::mad::mad:

I…I can’t even…

:mad::smack:

QUESTION #12: Can there be a rule that if one member of the team does nothing but bungle over and over and over and over, the team is disqualified, so as to discourage teams from placing an COMPLETELY WORTHLESS MEMBER on it? Or, better yet, could there be some kind of tryouts to weed out these bottom-feeders in the first place?

Screw this prelim with a Salmon Ladder bar forever. I hate this stupid show sometimes.

Matchup of the day: I got nothing.
MVP: Richardson. Too bad he has zero chance of winning the title unless Craig suffers an “unfortunate” injury and is replaced by a woman who actually understand how hands work. Team Phoenix? More like Team Albatross. Welcome to Daniel Gil’s hell, bud!

[MaxTheVool]

@DKW

__R2: Craig/Torres/Richardson - Lovett/Meyer/Hanson - “In a worrisome moment before the race, Najee sat down, looking exhausted.” Ooh, drama!

I hope you can find that race on YouTube or whatever, it was pretty damn exciting. Najee looked legitimately in pain, but then when the chips were down he just flew up the spider climb (is that what it’s called) like a madman. Props to Nick Hansen and co. for doing a lot better than I expected them do.

And, dear lord, poor Najee needs a better female teammate. On the plus side, this may have been a case where falling off immediately and leaving your team 5 seconds behind might have ended up better than however long it would have taken her to actually struggle through the obstacles.
Also, sorry Noah Kaufman, but the ninja world has passed you by.

[DKW]

They never put the final heat of the day on YouTube; in fact, I’ve seen only one relay so far. I don’t mind waiting until Sunday, and I might not bother even then. Maybe, MAYBE Craig will be be like Alyssa Beird and pull it together when it counts, but I’m not counting on it.

Just found something that could potentially be fairly big, the Mega Wall. Details here.

First off, I’m not surprised at all that they implemented this. There absolutely needed to be a change. When the obstacles leading up to the wall were things like Hang Climb, Log Grip, Tilting Table, Bridge of Blades, and Devil Steps, the big wall represented the big final test of speed and power, and many competitors not only failed but didn’t come even close. Now that it has monstrosities like I-Beam Gap and Snake Run, the wall has become little more than a speed bump; anyone good enough to actually get to it can conquer it. The 6" increase, predictably, completely failed to help with this.

As to who I think will, or at least should, attempt Mega Wall…well…how do I put this…everyone. Male or female, old or young, tall or short, just go for it. Why? Well…

• There are two ways to make money on ANW: Complete all four stages (on a season where no one completes that last one faster than you), which has been accomplished once ever and may be literally impossible at this point, or get the top result in a Cityfinal, which isn’t worth very much and is spoiled if one man in his group is so much as a tick better than him. Now here’s an opportunity, open to all, to make a quick ten grand just by making one really good run, which isn’t even all that hard compared to what he has to do to get to that point. I don’t care if the penalty for failure is disqualification, hell, I don’t care if it’s being flogged in public. What competitor in his right mind would pass up an opportunity like that?

• But the penalty isn’t disqualification; heck, it’s hardly a penalty at all. Failing the Mega Wall just means you have to try the normal wall without the benefit of two do-overs. Y’know, the utterly toothless normal wall anyone who can get to that point should be able to take blindfolded? Listen, if you need two extra chances to best that, you don’t have any kind of prayer of getting anywhere near a top time… Which means that your take is exactly the same if you played it safe with the normal wall and Punched Your Ticket To Cityfinals: zilch. If anything, getting a good run on the Mega Wall and coming up short should give you more confidence for the normal wall.

• “Fatigue!” Um, news flash, there are no time limits in prelims. They can get all the rest they need. The time won’t be as good, but since any completion automatically qualifies, I don’t see that being an issue. Like, ever.

• “Top times!” What about top times? Dominating quallies, even the current incarnation, isn’t worth anything. Nobody’s keeping records on the largely meaningless opening stage.

• Okay, fine, let’s look at the worst-case scenario. You go for the Mega Wall, you don’t get it, and you’re soooooo tired and drained and crushed that you come up short on the normal wall, and if only, if only you had two more chances you blah blah etc. you get the idea. That still counts as five obstacles completed, which is a virtual lock for Cityfinals. Hell, if the fifth obstacle is an abomination like Roulette Cylinder, you don’t even have to do that much; get a decent time through four obstacles, then just walk off and call it a night. That Denver quallie where 48 competitors finished the course was a looooooooong time ago, and it’s never happening again. The things that can actually kill a Cityfinals bid are so murderous now that the chances of the Mega Wall being any factor whatsoever in determining who moves on and who goes home is essentially nil.

But even if you don’t have a prayer at 18’, even if you’re so tired you can barely walk, even if you’re really worried about advancing…go for it anyway, for one simple reason…Because it’s there.

Look, you only live once. If you’re powerful, gritty, and steel-nerved enough to conquer five increasingly punishing obstacles, you get an opportunity which no one…not Brent Steffensen, not Joe Moravsky, not Travis Rosen, not Jamie Rahn or Kevin Bull or Lance Pekus or Flip “David” Rodriguez or Kacy Catanzaro…had in any prior year. And who knows if you’ll ever get it again. NBC may decide it’s a bad idea and axe it. If you best the normal wall in two or three tries, you’re one of many middling hopefuls who’ve done so and will invariably get wiped out in Cityfinals, or possibly Stage 1 if you’re extremely lucky. You’ll be just another tiny footnote to the event. But take on the Mega Wall, and you’ll always be able to say you fearlessly tackled the beast. You went for the gold. You found out just how good you were. You did the Mega Wall.

[MaxTheVool]

@DKW

• There are two ways to make money on ANW: Complete all four stages (on a season where no one completes that last one faster than you), which has been accomplished once ever and may be literally impossible at this point, or get the top result in a Cityfinal, which isn’t worth very much and is spoiled if one man in his group is so much as a tick better than him. Now here’s an opportunity, open to all, to make a quick ten grand just by making one really good run, which isn’t even all that hard compared to what he has to do to get to that point. I don’t care if the penalty for failure is disqualification, hell, I don’t care if it’s being flogged in public. What competitor in his right mind would pass up an opportunity like that?

Actually, I believe that there are fairly small cash prizes to the fastest finishers in city qualifiers and city finals. Can’t remember where I read that.
That said, your analysis is generally spot on… and I look forward to seeing it in action.

[DKW]

Glad that there’s one more week before the wildcard. Definitely didn’t want my last memory of prelims to be probably the biggest star of the event barely dragging a worthless teammate across the line. Still no idea how play-ins are going to work this time. Ah well. Let’s try to end this with a non-whimper, shall we?

NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - PRELIM #9

Flying Monkey Bars now has only two bars in the first two cradles; the competitors must go hand-over-hand to the other two cradles. No other changes.

• Superhero Squad (maroon and purple) *
  Leadoff - Jamie Rahn: I got married! We had an awesome wedding! We train together! See, see, I’m not a loser just because I dress like…yes, I know this is essentially the same story I trotted out last time! I’m an honest man now, I don’t have any good stories anymore, all right??
  Woman - Rachel Goldstein: [Fantastic four! Fantasticfourfantasticfourfantasticfourfantasticfourfantasticfourfantasticfour! Oh, and bridesmaid! Yeah! :rolleyes:]
  Anchor - Sean Darling-Hammond: Last year I almost completed Stage 2. Next time, I’ll almost complete it again!

• Wisco Warriors (black) *
  Leadoff - Drew Knapp: [Quick and to the point. Need more of these.]
  Woman - Sara Heesen: [1. What exactly has she accomplished that she gets to have a stupid nickname? 2. “Beastin’?” :rolleyes: Can you guys at least pretend to give a crap?]
  Anchor - Andrew Philibeck: [Wait a minute…there ISN’T a humungous gag order on College Madness? After we’ve seen everyone from Charlie Andrews to Mathis Owhadi, some of whom were very good, I might add? NOW all of a sudden it’s okay to stop pretending this never existed? Sheesh…don’t understand this show at all sometimes…)

• Tri-Hards (red-orange) *
  Leadoff - Sean Bryan: Ninja-ing allows me to connect with the younger generation! Hey, given all the crap Catholicism has had to deal with lately, we’ll do whatever it freaking takes!
  Woman - Rebekah Bonilla : [no profile]
  Anchor - Adam Rayl: There are a lot of big names here! I think I could be one! Implying, of course, that I am not yet one! Which does seem to be the case! Yeah, I probably should’ve put more thought into this!

• Hazard Brigade (yellow) *
  Leadoff - Mike Bernardo: [I’ll just use his own words: “Got a reputation of being pretty out of control, throwing myself forward, because it’s the only chance I have to keep up with these *damn kids.*” Ooh…not liking the sound of that.]
  Woman - Grace Sims: [no profile]
  Anchor - Mike Needham: [Nothing special, but I just want to say how strange it is seeing the old Jump Hang…y’know, the one where it was permissible to climb over and roll to the end…and thinking about how formidable it used to be. Seriously, this used to be an absolute ninja killer. Jump Hang.]

= 1st match: Superhero Squad vs. Wisco Warriors =
__L: Rahn vs. Knapp - Rahn gets the early lead but stumbles a bit coming out of Sonic Swing…a bad omen, perhaps? They’re even going into Tilting Ladders. Knapp, despite a couple small whiffs on the first ladder, makes the transition first. Surprisingly he doesn’t even consider a frontender, powering his way across the second. He makes an effortless dismount from the end, and all of a sudden the superhero of superheroes is in trouble. Rahn does a successful frontender but needs time to build momentum; Knapp has no trouble at all on Floating Tiles and now has a big lead. (The camera pulled back far enough for us to see both, which surprised me; this is ALWAYS the point where it does that time-lapse oh-my-god-he-flew-in-out-of-nowhere garbage.) Rahn closes the gap on Flying Monkey Bars, but Knapp is absolutely smooth as silk through the two fixed bars…astounding just how casual he made it look! Rahn makes a last desperate charge up the wall and actually closes the gap again but is unable to pull himself up quickly, and Knapp has the pretty close but unquestionable win (47.71 to 48.55). Damn, we’ve had some terrific openers lately! Knapp/finish 0-1
__W: Goldstein vs. Heesen - They both set a brisk, mistake-free pace through the first two obstacles, and it says something about the scrubs I’ve seen lately that I felt that was worth pointing out. Things get interesting on the ladders. Neither woman is an upper-body conqueror, so need all four limbs to get through; their efforts resemble not so much a race as physical manifestation of a tricky math equation. Heesen manages the transition first, while Goldstein is really struggling now. Heesen dismounts and nonchalantly trots to the tiles. Eyes says “The Wisco Warriors are really asserting themselves early here,” and literally at that exact moment, Heesen falls off…and despite making a huge splash, hangs onto the cables to stay in it. (How many times do I have to tell you that jinxes don’t exist?? :D) She’s looking tired and takes her time continuing the battle. Goldstein proceeds across the tiles and looks fine until the end, where she falls on the landing area, but despite well under half of her body weight being on dry plastic, she manages to pull herself up. On to the bars, and given their lack of upper-body muscle it could end right here. Heesen gives out quickly, barely making it to the second cradle before falling straight in. (Wow, she looks very upset over this…you’d think she was someone who actually mattered! :rolleyes:) So Goldstein, who had no luck whatsoever in her first team event, now has a simple make-it to put her team on the board. She makes sure she’s completely ready before getting on. First transition…and she seems to be spending a lot of time on the second cradle. Third cradle. Again taking too long. And she whiffs on the fourth and takes the plunge. No arms, no life! Heesen/speed 0-2
Dang, that’s a weird reaction from Heesen. It almost looks like the win upset her.
__A: Darling-Hammond vs. Philibeck - Philibeck takes a sizable lead early. Darling-Hammond delays on his dismount from the pendulum for some reason; he stays dry but has to cling to the net and loses even more ground. Philibeck methodically works his way across the ladders, eschewing a frontender just like his teammate, and making an easy dismount. Darling-Hammond surges to the end of the first ladder…oh my goodness, look at those swings, is he going for the dismount from there? If successful, that will be the move of not only the day but all of prelims! HE LEAPS!!!..to the middle of the second ladder. No, really. I have no idea what he was trying to accomplish there. Neither man gets tripped up on the tiles, and Philibeck is first to the bars. Darling-Hammond knows that he has at best a slight advantage in the upper-body department and has to push it NOW. He works his way across…and…one-times the first fixed bar…but loses his momentum and can’t dismount right away! Philibeck, who took an extra swing on the first bar, one-times the second and dismounts first. It all comes down to this! The young gun with a slight lead on the battered hero as they charge up the wall…and…sorry, no drama, Heaven-and-Hell finish (Whoa, I didn’t think I’d get to use that one again so soon! :)) as Darling-Hammond comes up way short and the compression goes to Philibeck’s button alone. Philibeck/finish 0-3
WISCO WARRIORS WINS

Not a whole lot to analyze about this one. Wisco Warriors came prepared and were a little better everywhere it counted. Really feeling it for Goldstein and Darling-Hammond, who play their hearts out and don’t make big blunders and still can’t seem to do anything but lose. As for Rahn, one wonders if it’s age, loss of motivation (starting a family can do that), or a combination of the two, but he’s clearly not the flamboyant powerhouse we remember from seasons past. Definitely not on the way out, but it looks like his days as an elite competitor may be over.

= 2nd match: Tri-Hards vs. Hazard Brigade =
__L: Bryan vs. Bernardo - Dead even through three obstacles, both men doing clean frontenders. Bryan midhops the tiles, falls off balance, and grabs the landing area; Bernardo takes a more conventional approach and his chest slams into the pad. Still neck and neck going to the bars, where Bernardo jumps straight to the second bar! This means that he now has to hop that one bar across the remaining cradles like Flying Bar…which, of course, is not a thing that can be done with a great deal of speed, and Bernardo is hung up. Bryan was about to grab the first bar but jumps to the second, hops the bar to the third…and that’s why you don’t try to beat a man at his own game, folks. He comes up short on the fourth cradle and takes the plunge, and Bernardo can take his good sweet time now. We don’t see how long it takes for him to get through, but he does, oh yes he does. Bernardo/distance 0-1
__W: Bonilla vs. Sims - 3WA’d. Bonilla was another woman completely stymied on Flying Monkey Bars, but it made no difference when Sims stumbled to regret on Floating Tiles. Bonilla/distance 1-1
__A: Rayl vs. Needham - Another tight one to the ladders. Needham makes the transition and does a very nice frontender, while Rayl repeats Darling-Hammond’s middle-of-second-ladder leap…and goes right for the dismount from there. (Bodge: “You know how hard that is???” Actually I don’t, but feel free to enlighten me anytime. :rolleyes:) Impressive, but not quite enough to close the gap. He then nearly goes down on the second solo, and whatever’s left of his hope dies when he attempts Bernado’s single-bar hop and doesn’t come anywhere near the third cradle. Look, I know that using the more difficult technique is often the key to victory…that’s how Tarzanning and midhopping became so prevalent…but could you at least make sure you have more than half a prayer of pulling it off first? Needham/distance 1-2
Yes, Eyes, being down 1-2 in the opener means that they will, in fact, be knocked out of the competition if they lose either relay. Absolutely brilliant analysis. Have a cookie. :rolleyes:
__R1: Bonilla/Bryan/Rayl vs. Sims/Needham/Bernardo - Bonilla jumps out to a hefty lead as Sims struggles off the Tick Tock net. Both second-leggers frontend successfully, with Bryan in the lead. Rayl, remembering his very recent blunder on the bars, does them the “correct” way this time. Bernardo is behind but jumps to the second bar again, and it’s a quick transition to the third cradle, then…the water, as he misses the mark on the fourth this time. Rayl gets through sight unseen because the camera was fixated on a completely pointless Warped Wall run. Sheesh. Tri-Hards/distance 2-2
Was that a sarcastic victory shout from Bernardo? Man, we’re seeing everything this episode.
__R2: Bonilla/Bryan/Rayl vs. Sims/Needham/Bernardo - Ugh. Definitely, definitely, sooooo definitely not loving the lissitah, especially since it puts Bernardo right back on an obstacle he just plunked on. This a virtual repeat of the first relay, except that Sims gives up an even bigger lead after her feet hit the side of the landing area, and the deficit grows bigger as fatigue is taking its toll on Needham. And then the fire is well and truly out when Bernardo finally gets the sense to take the bars as intended, but the first bar just slips right out of the cradle, sending him all the way down. Tri-Hards/distance 3-2
TRI-HARDS WINS

This had to be a withering experience for Hazard Brigade. They started out strong, confident, and focused and just seemed to get worse and worse as the match progressed. Bernardo, in particular, may have seen his last team event. He was never one of the standouts, but lately he just seems to be getting constantly left in the dust. The time was where he didn’t need a dumb risk to beat someone like Rayl.

So far we’ve seen plenty of old favorites ruthlessly swept aside by young blood. We’re in uncharted territory with these two fresh, hungry teams; it’s going to be impossible to predict. Which makes me glad that I stopped that stupid no-win prediction game many years ago.

= Final: Tri-Hards vs. Wisco Warriors =
__L: Bryan vs. Knapp - Dead even up to the transition at the ladders. Eyes bleats that Bryan has to be feeling fatigued after two INCREDIBLY GRUELING HEATS IN A ROW where he did two effin’ obstacles, and just then he does a powerful frontender to take the lead. :rolleyes: (What’s the word for when an announcer says something utterly moronic and it’s immediately shoved back down his throat?) He’s nimble through the tiles, and it’s on to…Flying Monkey Bars. This time he keeps his machismo in check, takes his time, and still gets to the first fixed bar first…now…oh. OHHHHHH. You cannot screw up like that. Bryan swings to the second fixed bar and simply loses the handle, pratfalls on the edge of the landing area, and meekly rolls backward to defeat. On replay it didn’t look like he was going for a one-timer; he just plain couldn’t hang on. Just after solving the killer cradles, he messes up the easy part. Knapp keeps it clean and takes the gift. Knapp/distance 0-1
__W: Bonilla vs. Heesen - Bonilla takes a slight early lead, and we’re treated to more acrobatics on Tilting Ladders. Bodge grumbles about how going inverted is too time-consuming, as if these women had a damn choice here. :rolleyes: Heesen is taking way, WAY too much time on the second ladder, and I’d be saying that Bonilla is running away with it if I had any confidence that any of the women tonight had a quarter of a prayer of of besting Flying Monkey Bars. Bonilla is very careful on the bars this time, which of course doesn’t make a lick of difference. Heesen took a very hard shot on the second solo but is all alone now, one obstacle from victory with all the time in the world, and I’m actually kinda disappointed nobody could be bothered to muster a “beeh dah baah” chant. One…two…three…splashy splashy. Bonilla is outlasting like a MOTHER today! Bonilla/speed 1-1
__A: Rayl vs. Philibeck - Rayl has a slight edge going through…oh my Okina, did he just do a one-timer frontender? Just when you thought you’d seen it all. Now on to the bars, and…oh, c’mon, this is getting ridiculous. Rayl, with a very big lead and every excuse to be careful (especially since, y’know, he flubbed this the first time he tried it), gets a bar on the third cradle, which immediately slips off, and he obligingly loses his grip on the second I can’t even talk about it anymore. :smack: And of course when you wipe out when you’re way ahead, your opponent instantly knows exactly how far he has to go to beat you and doesn’t have to take any risks. After a decisive win over Darling Hammond, you have to think that Philibeck…HE FALLS! He gets both bars on the third cradle and…he drops…for…no reason I could see. :smack: None. Zip, zilch, nada. :smack: HE GOT THIS THE FIRST TIME! AGAINST AN OPPONENT WHO WAS STILL ON THE COURSE! :mad: Rayl/speed 2-1

A night that began with a strong team making a resounding statement has degenerated into a nightmare of screwups. It’s as if some malicious god heard my grumbling about one competitor flubbing the same simple obstacle over and over and responded by making LOTS of competitors flub the same simple obstacle over and over. (I can’t say for sure that it’s Sagume Kishin, but I’m definitely looking in her direction. :)) By my count there have been twelve…twelve exits on Flying Monkey Bars. This blows away the mark of seven falls on Ring of Fire on TNW2’s 7th prelim.

And I’m at a complete loss to explain why. Criss Cross Ring Toss also has two loose objects and the added complication of extremely amateurish MMA. Spin Cycle has three continuously moving objects. Flying Shelf Grab is all-or-nothing; if you can’t get a firm grip on a very narrow ledge with a lot of forward momentum, down you go. What is it about the bars that’s making it such a monster tonight? Grab one, grab two, place, place, swing, swing, done. Noah Kaufman could do it in his sleep.

Haaah…fine. I’ve made it this far. May as well take it home.

__R1: Bonilla/Bryan/Rayl vs. Heesen/Knapp/Philibeck (MMDOTN) - Bonilla is slightly quicker out, but Heesen seems to catch a second wind at Tick Tock. On to the always-adventurous ladders, where Heesen very courageously tries to go hand-over-hand…then puts her feet up and gets inverted. Bonilla keeps a straight face long enough to dismount first and get the tag. Now Bryan needs to put his recent botch out of his mind and be the man. He takes a cautious approach…he’s on the first fixed bar, then the second, A ONE-TIMER!!..and he’s safe, not even a stumble. Learning from his mistakes! Uh oh, he’s limping a bit…but it doesn’t stop him from getting up the wall. Knapp takes it easy and makes it through the bars without trouble but now is staring at a gaping deficit, getting up the wall four seconds behind. Incredibly, this is just the third run of the entire night that’s gone this far! Put up or shut up time for Philibeck now. He keeps it close on Salmon Ladder, but can’t quite figure out Rumbling Dice and gives the lead right back. Rayl dismounts first and gets right on Zig Zag Climb, and it looks like Wisco Warriors’ time is about to run out. Rayl has a commanding lead…and…Philibeck is catching up! He’s catching up! Look at how fast he does that middle section! HEEEEEEEE’S FFULLLLYYYYIEIIEIEIIEENNNNNNNGGG!!!

…straight to play-ins, as he runs out of gas on the last uphill and completely fails to give Rayl any kind of challenge whatsoever at the buzzer. Le sigh. Tri-Hards/finish 3-1
TRI-HARDS WINS

(Good news about Bryan, it was just a muscle cramp, no injury. He’ll be fine for the playoffs.)

I…I just don’t know. This was a wacky, crazy, fluky, loopy, goopy, geeky, freaky, trippy, dippy night, and at no point did the eventual winner actually look better than the other teams. I get the feeling that if this were the Pole Grasper/Spin Cycle course, it could’ve been a much different story. Mostly I’m just glad that prelims are over. It was fun and exciting at the start but now they’ve completely worn me out. Hopefully things will sort out somewhat in the wildcard round, and I’m still fairly confident that we won’t get a completely undeserving champion. (Confidence level to elevate considerably once Phoenix Force gets taken out.)

Matchup of the day: Rayl/Philibeck. Absolutely inexcusable. When you get a free shot, you make it count, no exceptions. This should serve as a warning to all the other play-in teams, that if you completely throw away a gift, do not expect to get away with it.
MVP: Knapp, for doing Flying Monkey Bars three times and getting it right every time. A rock of consistency in a night of utter chaos. Thank heavens for small favors.

[The_wind_of_my_soul]

@DKW

So far we’ve seen plenty of old favorites ruthlessly swept aside by young blood. We’re in uncharted territory with these two fresh, hungry teams; it’s going to be impossible to predict. Which makes me glad that I stopped that stupid no-win prediction game many years ago.

FWIW, after the first episode I found a list of the matches for the rest of the qualifying rounds and made some predictions about who would win. I mainly got them right, but there were two that I was way off about:

1. I thought Team TNT would win that episode, and they were sweeped in the preliminary round.

2. I didn’t think Young Bloods would win at all. (Though now that I’ve seen them, I’m rooting for them to win it all. As silly as it sounds to root for strangers based on their personalities, they just come across as a likeable group: they don’t get angry or cocky or any of that shit, they just work hard on their fundamentals and always seem to have a good attitude. Also, I constantly under-estimate Bree because she just looks too skinny to do anything much, and there’s something perversely fun about seeing how much I’ve underestimated someone.)

I also made an initial prediction that Tri-Hards would win it all, but they didn’t look nearly as strong in their debut as I thought they would, so now I’m not so sure. I think Party Time looked like the strongest team in the qualifying round, so they’re a strong contender. But if I had to make a call at this point in the season as to who the winner would be: Young Bloods.

[DKW]

I would definitely call Young Bloods a sentimental favorite. IMO they haven’t been impressive and will need to catch a lot of breaks to make the final, but it’s going to go down as a great first effort regardless of where they end up. Honestly, I’m not seeing a big favorite here (Labreckfast Club currently has the best record, to put it in perspective), so if someone’s going to turn the world upside down and steal a spot, it may as well be them.

FINALLY I find out second-chance qualifying is going to work, courtesy of americanninjawarriornation.com. (Oh, and this year’s All-Star event is May 17; mark your calendars!) 14 teams, the 9 runners-up and 5 “at large” first match losers, will compete in a total of 7 normal matches using the 6-obstacle course. The 7 winners advance to the bracket; the 7 losers are done. Plain 'n simple. The 5 lucky selections are Big Dog Ninjas, Midwest Muscle, Hazard Brigade, NorCal Ninjas, and Beasts from the East. 3 matches will be held on April 30, the remaining 4 on May 7.

Ehhhhhhh…on one hand, I don’t like the idea of a team that lost in the opener being able to jump back in the thick of things with just one win. On the other hand, there have been more than a few teams who were good but just got an unlucky matchup in the first, Big Dog Ninjas being the perfect example. Maybe with a less awkward starting number than 36, we could’ve had a more sensible playoff system, but as it is, we’ll just have to hope that the number of heats shakes out any flukes.

[DKW]

[Just getting this out of the way: I’m going to need an extra day for next week. There’s no way I’ll be able to recap four matches in one night, much less proofread and come up with some insights for the bracket.]

All right, here we go! No more second chances! Make or break! Win or go home! Two enter, one leaves! Or rather, fourteen enter, seven leave! But let’s not split hairs here!

Ooh, new intro. “They’re some of the biggest ninja stars. But their teams came up just short in qualifying…”

:rolleyes:

I don’t have the energy to go back and review everything, but in brief: This is being WAAAAAYYY too generous. Particularly when you consider that two of them lost the opener 1-3 (remember?).

Oh, and “it’s going to be a shootout.” Hopefully not literally.

There are new profiles; in the interest of completeness (heh), I’ll continue to include them.

Eyes: “And tonight’s special format is like Thunderdome!” Whoa, does that mean that all the competitors are going to be on the course at the same time and they’re have to eliminate each other until only one is left? Because I really don’t see how that’s going to fill a whole hour. :rolleyes:

NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - KNOCKOUT ROUND, FIRST HALF
3rd obstacle: Ring Swing - A ring is attached to a pole via a short chain. The competitor must swing over to a double-hook that has a second ring on it, hook the first ring on the free hook, then take the second ring to the landing area.
5th obstacle: Bungee Pipeline - Two rows of four suspended bungees, then a 5th bungee that leads to a downward-sloping cylindrical beam suspended on two chains (the announcers call it a “pipe”, so I’m going to as well); the last two elements are shared by the competitors. Unlike the regular contest, it’s permissible to use legs on the pipe.

Hmm. Interesting choices here. Ring Swing has caused incredible headaches in the regular contest’s qualifying because it’s requires precision and is very easy to mess up. I have the feeling it was intended as a separator. Bungee Pipeline seems fairly unremarkable, but the convergence at the end means (in addition to even more pseudo-martial arts nonsense, because THAT’S what we came here to see :rolleyes:) that there’s going to be a definite leader coming out, i.e. virtually no chance of a shootout at the wall. With Tire Swing I could at least one playing it safe and one taking a risk, but the added distance of the pipe would seem to disqualify that. It looks for all the world that USA doesn’t give a damn about soooo cloooose anymore (well, for wildcards, anyway) and just wants winners who actually look like winners. After what’s happened the last two weeks, I don’t blame them.

• Midwest Muscle (yellow-orange) *
  Leadoff - Tyler Yamauchi: [Oh god…if this were any more generic, it’d be in Japanese.]
  Woman - Kirsti “Graffbeater” Pratt: If you get into my lane, I’m going to run right through you! I don’t care that it’s never happened, it’s the principle, dammit! Also, I’m going to pretend that it could theoretically be a man, as if there was a puncher’s chance in hell of a woman ever getting anything but the first first first first leg!
  Anchor - Ethan Swanson: I love trampolines! And each NVN course has at least one trampoline! Awesome!

• The Lizard Kings (yellow) *
  Leadoff - Hunter Guerard: We won FIVE heats! And then had all THREE members splash down on ONE relay, which had happened ZERO times before! We don’t like to talk about that!
  Woman - Sarah Schoback: We failed because I was too dang nice! It had absolutely nothing to do with me crashing and burning four times, including the deciding relay! Stop calling me an albatross, my arms aren’t that long!
  Anchor - Kyle Soderman: Nobody expected us to win! And, uh, we didn’t. But we’re here to stay! Wait, that makes it sound like we’re not getting out of knockouts. Damn, I really needed to spend more than two minutes on this…

• Frostbite (dark blue) *
  Leadoff - Jackson Meyer: The stars aligned! This is destiny! To actually beat a team that has a pile of defective nanodroids in a woman suit for a change!
  Woman - Zhanique Lovett: The wall was my nemesis. But in NVN, I finally got up the wall! So…I’m here now…and…uh…my children! Yeah!
  Anchor - Nick Hanson: Arctic environments are the best for Ninja training because if you take too long, your body parts freeze! That’s right, I just advocated risking lifelong physical disability to prepare for an event that pays jack squat! Neil Craver’s got nothing on me!

• All-American Ninjas (violet) *
  Leadoff - Paul Hamm: We took gold in the Olympics. Now…wait, is the trophy made of gold? Or silver plated in gold? That’s kinda important.
  Woman - April Steiner Bennett: When I started pole vaulting, it was a new thing for women. But then I found NVN…which has had a woman on each team from the very beginning. Ummmmm…you go girl! Girls.
  Anchor - Reko Rivera (substituting for the injured Jonathan Horton): [He’s always been an entertainer, and I don’t want a gimmick run, however difficult it was, to be his grand legacy. Kinda like my feelings on the “Bechdel Test”.

• Dark Horse (black) *
  Leadoff - Karson Voiles: [Yeah, “just short”. To Jon flippin’ Alexis Jr. When they were down 0-2. Are some of these writers from Fox News or something?]
  Woman - Tammy McClure: [no profile]
  Anchor - Lance Pekus: I’ve been ninja-ing for a long time! I got invited to a football game! And I got a football! Which is more than I’ll ever get from ninja-ing!

• Norcal Ninjas (red) *
  Leadoff - David Campbell: [It was 1-3. It wasn’t that close. Deal, all right?]
  Woman - Anna Shumaker: [no profile]
  Anchor - Brian Kretsch: [no profile]

= Wild card match 1: Midwest Muscle vs. The Lizard Kings =
__L: Yamauchi vs. Guerard - Yamauchi manages a netless exit off the pendulum and has a small lead as we see Ring Swing for the first time. Yamauchi misses on his first hook attempt, and while he makes good on the second, Guerard is clean all the way through and has the lead. Neither man has any trouble with the tiles, but it looks like Yamauchi is catching up. On to Bungee Pipeline, and Guerard is getting overpowered here; he simply doesn’t have as much upper-body explosiveness, and Yamauchi blows right by him to the shared 5th. A little bumping before Yamauchi commits to the pipe, getting down very smoothly. Now the only thing that can save Guerard is if Yamauchi comes up short on the wall, and…he does! His right hand grazes the top, he doesn’t get any grip, and down he goes. Guerard dismounts, makes his charge, and…never a doubt. Showing Him How It’s Done! (I’m kinda split right now on whether to make “shid” my next made-up word; sounds just a bit iffy.) Guerard/finish 0-1
__W: Pratt vs. Schoback - Eyes says “Gotta consider Pratt the favorite in this one”…and just then Schoback hits the water on Sonic Swing! Okay, I don’t believe in “reverse jinxes” any more than the normal kind, but that was just too perfect. Schoback stubbornly delays the inevitable for a few seconds before arm fatigue finally prevails. Pratt/distance 1-1
__A: Swanson vs. Soderman - (Jeeziz, Bodge, the only thing worse than hearing a brain-dead nickname is hearing the brain-dead rationale for it. “Explosive?” REALLY?? :rolleyes:) Soderman gets off to a blazing start, whereupon Bodge whines that he’s going too fast. I think that’s his thing now. They’re both crisp through Ring Swing and Floating Tiles, with Soderman maintaining his lead. He hesitates a bit on the 5th, reaching for the pipe with his legs, which allows Swanson to catch up and get more intimate than a lot of viewers will be comfortable with. They both mount the pipe at nearly the same time, and Soderman manages to muscle ahead. (Bodge calls it a “suplex”; apparently someone keeps forgetting to remind him that Monday Night Raw is the show before this. :rolleyes:) Soderman dismounts and blazes up the wall, Swanson not even able to muster a challenge. He shouts “That’s what I’m talking about!” and now I’d really like to be a fly on the wall for his apparently highly elaborate pregame bull sessions. Soderman/finish 1-2
Eyes claims that in the relay, every member must contribute. Given that he saw what we saw in the 7th prelim, that essentially means that The Lizard Kings are doomed. I never expected him to be that harsh.
__R1: Pratt/Yamauchi/Swanson vs. Schoback/Guerard/Soderman - Schoback gives up a big deficit, as if there was any other possibility. Yamauchi has a better handle on the rings this time and stays ahead. On to the tiles, where Yamauchi midhops, something he had no trouble with the last time, and when I say that you know something’s going to go disastrously wrong, which is exactly what happens when he misses the second solo entirely. He saves himself on the cables, but Guerard wastes no time leaving him in the dust. Swanson, to his credit, refuses to go quietly, fighting hard on the 5th, but Soderman easily withstands the assault, and the death knell comes when Swanson fails to get on the pipe at all. Boy, Soderman seems incredibly elated after beating a team with a losing record. Perspective, friend. The Lizard Kings/finish 1-3
THE LIZARD KINGS WINS

Schoback: “Honestly, like I’m extremely overwhelmed, because I fell on the ropes in the first round…and I just wanted to make it up for the team.” Yeah, why dwell on your neverending failures when you can celebrate a victory you contributed absolutely nothing to. You suck. :mad:

A largely inconsequential fodder match between two underpowered squads with zero real shot at the trophy. Yamauchi looked completely in over his head, and Swanson showed that he doesn’t have the muscle to take down a top anchor. Soderman was the only one who looked at all impressive, and it looks like he’s going to have to carry the team on his back if they’re going to be anything other than shark bait in the bracket. Should be ironically fun to watch! And by “ironically” I mean “no”. (Hey, isn’t that what that really means these days?)

= Wild card match 2: Frostbite vs. All-American Ninjas =
__L: Meyer vs. Hamm - Meyer has a slight lead after the first obstacle. He pulls of a risky netless exit but takes a hard hit and needs a little while to get up; the lead stays the same. That’s all the drama there’d ever be as Hamm misses the hooking on Ring Swing, then misses again. Meyer made his first attempt count, and the lead was now insurmountable. Meyer/finish 1-0

Whoa…he took a long time to pull himself over the wall and was on his knees when he hit the buzzer. With that kind of a lead. After six obstacles. Not a good sign at all.

Some weird commentary from him afterward in which he actually seems to denigrate himself and says that Hamm’s so much bigger. Is this a variation of that “So, how does it feel to get your butt kicked by all that stuff you called me before the match?” thing?

__W: Lovett vs. Bennett - Lovett hustles to an early lead and hooks the ring but all of a sudden looks indecisive. Bennett transitions to the second ring first but is a little slow off the hook, and Lovett stays in front. Nothing changes on the tiles, and Lovett is on the bungees and making good progress. She’s to the 5th but looks indecisive again, unable to reach the pipe. She kicks it in an attempt to get it to swing closer, seemingly without success. Finally she gets her legs around it and is near the end, while Bennett struggles to find a way on. Lovett is unable to get a good swing for the dismount and drops almost straight down, and her right foot finds the water. Only the wall left now, but can she get up with a compromised shoe? Very fast bee daah waww chant. She wipes her feet a bit, goes up…not even close. Bennett dismounts, wipes her feet (a lot more than I saw Lovett did), and pauses. Lovett hasn’t moved at all since her first failed attempt and simply watches as Bennett makes her charge. Whether due to complacency, contempt, or lack of confidence, holding back in the homestretch usually spells disaster, and Lovett quickly becomes the latest victim as Bennett gets both hands on top. It takes her a while to get the rest of her body up, but she does. A tough loss for Lovett who did everything but win. (To finish first, you must first finish! :D) Bennett/finish 1-1
__A: Hanson vs. Rivera - Hanson has a slight lead going to the rings. Rivera misses the hook, but Hanson needs a second attempt on the dismount, and Rivera is first to the tiles by a hair. Hanson checks up, not wanting to risk a wipeout here…which turns out to be the winning move as Rivera looks exactly like someone who’s never done Floating Tiles before and splashes hard. The replay showed where he went wrong: running on the right, he took the first tile with his left foot, meaning he had to cross over with his right for the first solo, which of course threw him hopelessly off balance (he actually managed to get the cables on his third step but missed the second solo by a mile). A bizarre blunder, even for a rookie. Hanson/distance 2-1
__R1: Lovett/Meyer/Hanson vs. Bennett/Hamm/Rivera - Same ‘ol women’s leg you’ve seen too many times. Meyer hooks it on the first crack, Hamm doesn’t, and this one’s over as a contest. Rivera does pretty good on another obstacle he’s never seen before, all things considered, but it doesn’t stop Hanson from making this a curbstomp. Frostbite/finish 3-1
FROSTBITE WINS

All-American Ninjas were walking dead after getting blanked by Party Time in week 3, and it showed; losing Jonathan Horton just made it even more of a slaughter. This was an EXTREMELY harsh initiation for Rivera, and I only hope that it doesn’t kill his enthusiasm for this event. He looked fine for the short time we saw him, and I could definitely see him developing into one of the better NVN contenders. As for Frostbite…mixed feelings. It’s good that they rebounded from their how-the-hell-did-that-happen defeat to Phoenix Force, but they’ve betrayed some major flaws, especially stamina, which could really jump up and bite him when they have to do the full course again. This is one of those likable middling squads where you just have to hope for the best and cheer the times they prevail.

= Wild card match 3: Dark Horse vs. Norcal Ninjas =
__L: Voiles vs. Campbell - Both men hook up on the first attempt but struggle a bit to do the other half; Voiles has slightly more composure and is out first. Campbell, in stark contrast to Hanson in his recent anchor run, throws caution to the wind and challenges Voiles on the tiles…and that is why you do not do that. They get tangled up on the second solo and do half-gainers into the water, and since Voiles got on first, he gets the credit. Dammit, if falling means that you lose whether or not your opponent falls, make sure you don’t fall! Daniel Gil understands this, for crying out loud! Sheesh… Voiles/speed 1-0
__W: McClure vs. Shumaker - 3WA’d. (It always seems to be the women this year.) Shumaker never had a chance, trailing the entire way before running out of steam on the 5th bungee and dropping straight in. McClure/distance 2-0

Norcal Ninjas are now 1-5 this contest and have absolutely zero momentum. I guess you can…wait. All right, the main reason this timeslot is so wonky is that it’s right after Monday Night Raw, which doesn’t always end when it should. That means there’s quite a bit of fluctuation as to when NVN begins on my recording. This week it was the 6 minute mark, which means that it should end at 66 minutes or somesuch thereabouts, approximately. Now it’s at 52 minutes, and after a waiweewuwwawei, at that. So, nope, absolute 100% chance it’s not going to be a sweep, and a pretty good chance it’s going to 5. USA? Just because I can’t shout “fifty-seven!” anymore doesn’t mean I’m going to be completely ignorant of how you pace these things. You’re going to have to try a little harder than that.

__A: Pekus vs. Kretsch - Pekus comes out running and has the early lead, then handles the rings better and the lead is commanding. He’s looking so strong that I honestly wonder how…oh. Floating Tiles, second solo, just plain loses his balance (I sure as hell couldn’t see what he did wrong) and submerges. Kretsch/distance 2-1

Uh-oh. We’ve seen this story before. Leadoff does his part, woman does her part, anchor messes up and the opponents get new life, regroup, and bury them. (I am going to have some interesting stats when this is all over, believe you me.) Finishing the job has always been what separates the contenders from the also-rans, and…it’s 59 minutes as we come back from commercial, so no, not happening.

__R1: McClure/Voiles/Pekus vs. Shumaker/Kretsch/Campbell - More predictable tedium from the women. The second-leggers start on the rings, and they know that they have to be flawless here. “Knowing” and “doing” are two different things, however, and Voiles needs two attempts on the hookup. He never challenges afterward, and now Campbell can just do his thing. A missed grab for the pipe seals Pekus’ fate, and it’s a cruise to victory for the 40-year-old. Norcal Ninjas/finish 2-2

And now all of a sudden it’s Dark Horse teetering on the brink. The relay format appears to be perfectly protecting their opponents’ weaknesses…Campbell doesn’t have to worry about stamina, Shumaker doesn’t have to go on an upper-body burner, Kretsch doesn’t have to be the hero…and they just can’t seem to keep up. I’m not even certain an adjustment is going to help them.

What the hell does “werrguggakayoohhh” mean? It’s not a type of rezzocreeblehhhhh, is it?

__R2: McClure/Voiles/Pekus vs. Shumaker/Kretsch/Campbell (MMDOTN) - Sure, why the frack not. All right. The usual feminine pointlessness. Voiles gets on the rings first and gets them right, and Kretsch is feeling the heat after he misses the first hook attempt. Pekus gets the tag well before Campbell and gets right to work on the bungees. No more excuses for him; he needs to close the deal or forever hold his peace. Campbell…catches up! He’s breathing down his neck…and…HE MAKES THE PASS! He gets a hand on the pipe first and is on first! Pekus feebly waves at the pipe once, then twice, and it’s all over for him, Campbell leaving him in the dust…again. Bodge just looks in silence, completely unable to believe what just happened, and he has plenty of company, let me tell you. Norcal Ninjas/finish 2-3
NORCAL NINJAS WINS

You can lay Dark Horse’s defeat squarely at the hands (and feet) of Pekus, who had two opportunities to wrap up the win for his team and failed in embarrassing fashion both times. I don’t know why, but his teams just seem to be cursed, and I can guarantee you that he’s going to have a pretty hard time finding teammates for next year, assuming that he doesn’t give up in disgust. As for Norcal Ninjas, they’re rapidly gaining a reputation as The Team That Will Not Die. Not only do they always seem to get second chances, they make them count. I still think they don’t have what it takes to go all the way, that their weaknesses will ultimately spell their downfall…but I’m not betting a damn nickel on it.

(“Jiu-jitsu” now. For the love of Yukari, make it stop. :smack:)

Well, this was a pretty interesting night overall that ended on a high note; definitely a refreshing change from the previous two weeks. I love playoff drama as much as anyone, but every once in a while it’s nice to kick back with a big “let’s you and him fight” kerfuffle. Here’s hoping the final four matches can be as good.

[MaxTheVool]

Well, the last week of wild cards was a bit of a let down. None of the matchups were particularly close, and the only highlight was one insane pass at the end of bungee row.

So, on to the playoffs. Sixteen teams remain, I assume we have four weeks of single elims, and then a fifth championship week, all single elim.

I think the three obvious favorites are:
Team Ronin (Flip Rodriguez, Meagan Martin, JJ Woods)
Lab Rats (Michelle Warnky, 2x Wilciezki)
Party Time (Brian Arnold, Jake Murray, Barclay Stockett)
Looking forward to it!

[SenorBeef]

Haven’t seen the last ep yet so maybe it’s explained, but how does 9 episodes with one survivor and 1 (2?) wildcard episodes result in 16 teams?

[MaxTheVool]

@SenorBeef

Haven’t seen the last ep yet so maybe it’s explained, but how does 9 episodes with one survivor and 1 (2?) wildcard episodes result in 16 teams?

Last week’s wildcard had 3 head-to-heads, this week’s had 4. So 7 total advanced from wildcards, plus the 9 episode winners.

[DKW]

I’d like to start out by complimenting the editing crew on the bang-up job they do on these telecasts, but especially in the team events, and no more so than tonight. They are masters of the art. Consider: They now have to fit four matches in a timeslot that normally hosts three. That’s going to be a very tight squeeze, even with 3WAs and trimmed-down intros. But before they can even get to that point, they have to find the four shortest matches of the knockout round, then arrange them in such a way that the cuts aren’t glaringly obvious. That…I can’t even imagine the amount of the work and technical expertise that must require. Pounding out these snark-laden recaps is challenging enough for me.

Since they are going short, I’m not expecting any match to go to the distance. Keep that in mind as the night proceeds.

NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - KNOCKOUT ROUND, SECOND HALF

First two matches today, last two tomorrow. Exact same course as last week.

• Team Wolfpack (black) *
  Leadoff - Dan Yager: The pack is back and ready to attack! We won’t slack ‘cause we’re going to eat a rack! Something something back in black!
  Woman - Jeri D’Aurelio: [Good thigh exercise? Mmm…yeah, I’ll have to take your word for it.]
  Anchor - Ian Dory: [Just a quick montage because we don’t have all day for this.]

• Beasts from the East (cyan) *
  Leadoff - James McGrath: I truly think we’re the best team out there even though we lost our very first match! That’s because in the first round, we came up just short of taking it to a 5th heat and blowing it there instead! I’m very surprised there haven’t been calls for drug testing in ANW!
  Woman - Erica Cook: [no profile]
  Anchor - Dave Cavanagh: [no profile]

• Wisco Warriors (black) *
  Leadoff - Drew Knapp: We’re here to play, and we’re here to stay! And we’re here to bake clay! And harpoon a manta ray! Something something International Talk Like a Pirate Day!
  Woman - Christine Ahn (substituting for the injured Sara Heesen): [no profile]
  Anchor - Andrew Philibeck: [no profile]

• Hazard Brigade (yellow) *
  Leadoff - Mike Needham: [Who exactly considers Adam Rayl is “one of the greats?” Seriously, I have no idea.]
  Woman - Grace Sims: [See, that’s the curse of being so meticulous with record keeping…you hear something like “one of the most consistent female athletes” and IMMEDIATELY know that it’s BS. 1-7, peeps, and that one win was over Cassandra Dortch, fer crying out loud.]
  Anchor - Mike Bernardo: I’m just here to blow off some steam and have some fun. Hopefully I get better teammates someday so I can have more success in that regard.

= Wild card match 4: Team Wolfpack vs. Hazard Brigade =
__L: Yager vs. Needham - It looks like Yager jumps the gun, but no call is made. Needham closes the gap going into Ring Swing, and he’d open up a big one after Yager misses the hookup. It looks like Needham is going to run away with it, but Yager’s better on upper-body tasks and quickly catches up on Bungee Pipeline. Needham takes the pipe with his feet. Yager gets on the pipe. Needham is at the end…and…Yager slides right next to him! This is the closest I’ve ever seen two competitors snuggled together on this event. Aside from the obvious unpleasant implications, this looks like a bad decision for Yager as his opponent made it to the obstacle first; when any fall by you means that you lose, the last thing you want is to get into a tieup. Nonetheless, Yager stubbornly hangs on and…OH MY GOD, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR SOMETHING THAT INCREDIBLE TO HAPPEN IN KNOCKOUTS? Yager slips around Needham to the right, commits, and lands safely, while Needham drops into the water! Let me say it again: He freaking passed Needham on the pipe. I’m terrified of going to the official site and not finding this heat on it! Yager/distance 1-0
__W: D’Aurelio vs. Sims - Sims is simply outmatched, falling behind early and never being able to make it up, and runs out of steam on the last bungee. D’Aurelio/distance 2-0
__A: Dory vs. Bernardo - Nearly even going to the rings. They both hook up without difficulty, but Dory is more agile on the transition and pulls ahead. That’s all the advantage he’d need after Bernardo completely misses the second solo and takes a bath. He barely manages to save himself on the cables but is now carrying a lot of extra weight, and he barely gets started on the bungees before slipping all the way down. Dory/distance 3-0
TEAM WOLFPACK WINS

I never liked Hazard Brigade’s chances, and this just confirmed my fears. They just lose too many heats they should win. I stand by what I said about Bernardo two weeks ago; he just doesn’t seem to have the speed or killer instinct needed to beat the good anchors. Here’s hoping he makes a much better impression in the upcoming All-Star Special. The best that can be said about Team Wolfpack is that they beat they teams they should. That’s probably not going to be enough to win the trophy, but you can at least count on them to make their opponents earn it. Heck, after the kind of collapses we’ve seen from some of the women, D’Aurelio can grace my screen any day.

= Wild card match 5: Beasts from the East vs. Wisco Warriors =
Sara Heesen holds up a sign saying “CRUSH THIS COURSE HARDER THAN I CRUSHED MY STERNUM!!” I think there’s an excellent chance she will be a very sad woman after tonight.
__L: McGrath vs. Knapp - A quick one as McGrath has a better handle on the rings and opens up a big lead, and it becomes academic when Knapp completely misses everything with his right foot on the second solo, not even grazing a cable, and falls in. (That tile’s been absolutely vexing this event.) And of course, we need our weekly dose of Bodge whining about someone going too fast, and someday I’d really like to hear a dissertation from him about the appropriate speed to go during a race, especially when one’s behind. It sounds absolutely fascinating. :rolleyes::mad: McGrath/distance 1-0
__W: Cook vs. Ahn - 3WA’d. Ahn had a very good lead going to the tiles and then simply took a dive on (yep) the second solo. Cook, who has wrappings around almost her entire right leg, looked like she took a long time to get through. As they say, not a good look. Cook/distance 2-0
__A: Cavanagh vs. Philibeck - Philibeck has a slight lead after two, but Cavanagh gets a stronger swing and is slightly ahead going to the tiles. They both midhop, and, sharing the same tiles, you know the only way this ends is with big water. Sure enough, Cavanagh drops…but Philibeck saves himself on the cables! He takes his time pulling himself onto that vaunted second solo and makes a simple hop to victory. First Yager on the pipe, now this? I didn’t expect conventional wisdom to take this much of a thrashing so soon! Philibeck/distance 2-1
__R1: Cook/Cavanagh/McGrath vs. Ahn/Philibeck/Knapp - Ahn, who’s undoubtedly feeling the pressure, comes up short on the Sonic Swing landing and has to waste seconds extricating herself, and given that this is one of those things that’s supposed to be automatic, this bodes extremely badly for her team’s chances. Aaaaaand, it’s effectively over when Philibeck misses the first hookup attempt. Knapp is still waiting for a tag (and looking very frustrated) by the time McGrath is off the pipe, and of course the wall is barely a speed bump at this point. Complete, complete massacre. Beasts from the East/finish 3-1
BEASTS FROM THE EAST WINS

There were questions about how good the Wiscos really were after the cavalcade of chaos that was the 9th prelim, and after losing Sara Heesen, it looked they were simply too depleted to keep going. Philibeck did just fine for a rookie, and he’s definitely one to watch for the future; I could definitely see him taking the torch from the Travis Rosens and David Campbells and Brian Arnolds. As for BFTE, well, they beat the team put in front of them; can’t really expect much more from them (and probably shouldn’t). Mostly I’m just glad that McGrath doesn’t have to sulk for an entire year after seeing his perfect record smashed.

And that’s it. To the point, quick and dirty, not much to hash out. Tomorrow I wrap it up with Big Dog Ninjas vs. Hashtag Ninjas and Three Wishes vs. The Ballers.

[DKW]

• Big Dog Ninjas (red) *
  Leadoff - Jody Avila: [Right, Eyes, “faded in the final races”. Do you just enjoy being insulting or what? :mad:]
  Woman - Brandi Monteverde: [Well, it helped that you already lost so there was no pressure.]
  Anchor - Josh Salinas: [quick blurb]

• Hashtag Ninjas (orange) *
  Leadoff - Nicholas Coolridge: Now that we have a little more experience on the course, we’re going to dominate. Yes, I did, in fact, just say that with a straight face. Another reason to watch us!
  Woman - Larissa Cottle: [Makes you wish more women’s heats actually made it that far, huh?]
  Anchor - Jesse LaFlair: [quick blurb]

• Three Wishes (purple) *
  Leadoff - Geoff Lancaster (substituting for the injured Brian Burkhart): Muscle memory! That’s the ticket! Yeah! Hey, I’m an alternate, I’m just praying I don’t look like a clown out there…
  Woman - Brittany Hanks: [no profile]
  Anchor - Thomas Stillings: On every course, there is one moment that will make or break your run. Yes, I know that Cityfinals now takes like nine freaking minutes to get through. I’m not talking about that.

• The Ballers (red) *
  Leadoff - Paul Kasemir: I’ve been getting stronger…and stronger…and stronger…and stronger…and…stronger…and…I feel I’m the strongest I’ve been in a while. A while. A while. A while…
  Woman - Meiling Huang: [no profile]
  Anchor - Lorin Ball: [quick blurb]

= Wild card match 6: Big Dog Ninjas vs. Hashtag Ninjas =
__L: Avila vs. Coolridge - Coolridge takes the lead with a velvety-smooth Tick Tock exit. Avila loses more ground when he wastes valuable seconds fumbling on the rings, and the death knell is falling on the cables of the second solo. (Good grief, I’m starting to think that tile is doctored or something.) Coolridge/finish 0-1
__W: Monteverde vs. Cottle - Cottle takes a hefty lead as Monteverde loses her balance on the Sonic Swing exit, and it goes from bad to worse as she clanks the first hookup attempt. But Cottle isn’t a speed demon and takes her time through Floating Tiles…and she falls on (yep) the second solo cables. (I’m going to have to think up a convenient descriptor for them as SO MANY COMPETITORS seem to end up there.) Cottle slowly extricates herself and doesn’t look in any big hurry to seal the deal. Eyes shouts “Monteverde has to take advantage!”, whereupon she does exactly the opposite, losing her footing between the second pair and solo, hitting the second solo hard, and meekly succumbing. Cottle looks around and decides enough is enough. Cottle/distance 0-2
__A: Salinas vs. LaFlair - Salinas is faster after two. Salinas makes both transitions on Ring Swing super-quick, while LaFlair fights to get off the hook. Salinas effortlessly midhops while LaFlair still hasn’t gotten off the rings. A huge upset in the making! Just two obstacles…AND HE LANDS TOO FAR FORWARD ON THE TRAMPOLINE, DOESN’T GET ANY HEIGHT, AND CAN’T HANG ON TO THE BUNGEES! (And incredibly, Bodge doesn’t whine like a baby about him going too fast, even though this might be an extremely rare case that it’s actually kinda correct.) LaFlair made it through the tiles with no trouble, so all he needs is an easy-breezy pass of Bungee Pipeline and his team has its second-chance pass. Eyes throws everything but the laundry sink at him, to no avail; he makes it through effortlessly. LaFlair/distance 0-3
HASHTAG NINJAS WINS

Quick interview with the winners, the only one of the night. Notable absence of Cur giving any kind of crap what Cottle thinks; harsh, but tough to argue with.

Geez, Big Dog Ninjas has to be the unluckiest team in the history of this event. They come in fit, fierce, loaded, and ready to maul, and get immediately thrown to the lions when there were at least 20 teams they would’ve absolutely wiped the floor with, including Team Alpha, of course. Then they get a well-deserved chance…and get thrown to the lions AGAIN, face with easily the 2nd or 3rd strongest team of all the wildcards. (I think Salinas would’ve dispatched LaFlair easily if he didn’t have the weight of the damn world on his shoulders.) As it is, they leave this event 2-6, a damn travesty given how even a few of the first round winners have looked. It’s past time the producers stop just sticking teams wherever and start putting some thought into who has a chance and who doesn’t. I hope this terrible experience doesn’t discourage them from ever returning, because I really want to see them bounce back from this.

And the Hashtaggers? LaFlair, good. Coolridge, really good. Cottle…ehhhhh. In all, fairly strong, won’t ever be embarrassing, will invariably hit the wall at some point. This is one of those squads that has no realistic shot at the title but they’re fun and likable so it’s impossible to root against them. Definitely will be a lot easier on the eyes than Phoenix Squad, that’s for sure.

= Wild card match 7: Three Wishes vs. The Ballers =
__L: Lancaster vs. Kasemir - Lancaster has noticeably quicker feet but has a little trouble with the second ring, and he’s just a hair ahead going to the tiles. He pulls ahead again after Kasemir stumbles slightly, and…uses bungees on both sides? Is there really any advantage to that? Lancaster is first on the pipe and will get a shot at the wall unopposed. And…did that just happen? He starts out on the right side, which is the wrong side for him, and has to cross over to the left. The pipe is right in the middle; there’s no excuse for this mental error. And it may have cost him dearly as he comes up short on the wall. Kasemir dismounts, doesn’t repeat his mistake, and snatches this one away. Damn. Kasemir/finish 0-1
__W: Hanks vs. Huang - 3WA’d, second of the night. No contest as the hopeless Hanks falls way behind before swan-diving on Floating Tiles, guess where. Huang/distance 0-2
__A: Stillings vs. Ball (MMDOTN) - Stillings wins this wire-to-wire as Ball simply can’t keep up. Ooh, horse race narrative, I so totally missed that! :rolleyes: Stillings/finish 1-2
__R1: Hanks/Lancaster/Stillings vs. Huang/Ball/Kasemir - Huang makes the tag first by about a second. Lancaster dismounts from the rings first, but Ball has a nimbler exit, and he’s the first to the tiles, midhopping away. Lancaster falls on the exit, and all of a sudden Kasemir is all alone in front, and that’s all he’d need to dismount first, get up the wall first, and hit the buzzer first. Now that’s consistency! The Ballers/finish 1-3
THE BALLERS WINS

Honestly, it looked like Three Wishes was simply too emotionally battered to win. Lancaster didn’t have the consistency to best Ball or Kasemir, and it was obvious that Hanks hadn’t recovered from getting repeatedly burned by Natalie Duran. Stillings could have some interesting decisions to make for next time. The Ballers…won. That’s the best that can be said. There’s no reason to believe this lackluster squad is going to hoist the trophy in the end. Let’s just hope that it isn’t Lab Rats that takes them out…even for ANW, that would be just too cruel.

Huh. Call me cynical (“Cynical? You, DKW? Perish the thought!” ;)), but this whole night seemed really lacking in…energy. Excitement. Passion. Two teams enter, one dominates, repeat. Ho-hum. That’s the problem with putting four matches in one night, I guess. If anything, it would’ve made more sense to switch the episodes, so we could at least end on a high(ish) note.

[DKW]

Well, the big dance (hey, they’re using “sweet sixteen” and I haven’t heard of any lawsuits; may as well just go with it) is finally on the horizon, and we have an…interesting gamut of teams vying for the ultimate prize. I, of course, have long since given up the foolish, useless, pointless, completely unrewarding, vexing insanity of making predictions, so I’m going with something easier and closer to the heart…who I want to win. Here, then, are all 16 teams in order of my own personal rooting interests:

1. Lab Rats
The Wilczewski brothers are the eternal bridesmaids of ANW, two men with great attitudes and a ton of ability who just never seem to win anything. Neither has made it to Stage 3 in the regular contest, and Chris’ sole mark in the All-Star events was when he was selected for Team Iseman in the second, which eventually lost to Team Leahy, and Brian’s never gotten anything. Their first two team events were an exercise in bitter disappointment, first coming up short against Party Time one step from the trophy match in TNW1, then losing Chris to injury in TNW2, which led to Brian being outlasted by Iron Grip before being battered into submission by Karsten’s Fast Kats and Norcal Ninjas. And then there’s Michelle Warnky, the reigning queen of the second heat, who has never been able to translate her crushing dominance into anything meaningful, having been completely left in the dust by Jessie Graff. Except for Geoff Britten (oh dear lord, forever and ever Geoff Britten), there is no one in all of ANW who deserves something wonderful to happen to them more than these three. Now that the window could be closing, there would be no greater justice if this elite squad were to finally, finally find the way and take what’s rightfully theirs.

2. Team Ronin
Pretty similar situation to Lab Rats. IMO not quite as good (a dominant team wouldn’t have let Hashtag Ninjas take them the distance), but they have the right attitude, they took their lumps, and they deserve something really nice. Meagan Martin alone makes this squad worth cheering on; it is WAY past time that a top woman got her due. And if you can’t pull for a sexual abuse survivor (Flip “David” Rodriguez) rising from despair to glory, you don’t deserve a soul.

3. Young Bloods
All three members pull their weight, they run hard and never give up, they can handle anything, and the pure joy just bursts out of them when they win. If you can’t pull for this squad, you don’t deserve eyes. (Meaning the organs with which you see. No one deserves Matt Iseman. :)) I still don’t think they match up well against any of the top teams, and they’re going to have to get really lucky to hoist the trophy, but you know what? I wouldn’t mind in the slightest if they did.

4. Labreckfast Club
Still not convinced that perfect record is legit, but credit where it’s due: Chris Digangi is a clutch performer, Jesse “Clubhouse” Labreck could be the scariest woman in team competition ever, and Jon Alexis Jr.’s turnaround has been nothing short of miraculous. This is a team that found something that worked and now has the pedal to the metal, and I’m raring to see how far they can take this ride.

5. Party Time
As a man who’s very rarely been blessed with dumb luck and earned everything he got in life, I like it when a team wins with good execution and sound fundamentals, and no team here has delivered more than Party Time. They don’t strictly need the trophy, having won the inaugural contest and all, but it’ll be highly satisfying seeing them go for #2, and I’ll be cheering with everyone else if they make it. And hey, after Brian Arnold just barely missed out on being the First Ever American Ninja Warrior, who with a shred of conscience would begrudge him anything?

6. Iron Grip
It’s been a tough ride for Daniel Gil. Picked his teammates in TNW1 based on friendship; crash and burn. Picked much better teammates for TNW2; steamrolled by Joe Moravsky. Now, with Moravsky out and no big favorite, it could be now or never for him. This is someone who I think hasn’t gotten quite the recognition he deserves, and I can think of no better star-maker than the NVN1 title. Young gun Mathis Owhadi and capable Tiana Webberley make for a solid supporting cast, and I wouldn’t consider either of them undeserving of the top prize.

7. Hashtag Ninjas
I wasn’t sold on them after the first prelim, but after sweeping Big Dog Ninjas, I have to admit that they’re legit. No matter what, they always have a great time and make things fun. Nicholas Coolridge has established himself as the star of ANW’s team events, and he’s definitely one to watch in the playoffs. Unfortunately, this looks like of those instances where at some point they’re simply going to get beaten by a better team. I’m sure you NBA fans can relate.

8. Frostbite
Not a whole lot to say. I just plain like them. They’re strong, they work hard, and they have fantastic attitudes. Sadly, they’re not ready yet; they need to develop stamina and better course sense. Consider their playoffs practice for next year’s event. If they get their well-deserved revenge against Phoenix Force, that alone will make it all worth it.

9. NorCal Ninjas
My spite, monkey wrench, out of left field, twisty twist, why the bloody freaking hell not pick. A team that went 1-3 in the opener and barely outlasted a self-destructing Lance Pekus? Hey, given how many grossly inferior competitors are in the playoffs, never mind how many good ones aren’t (coughBigDogNinjascough), it would be sweet poetic justice if the perennial backdoor team were to steal this one. Don’t actually think they will, of course…but you never know.

10-14. Beasts from the East, Team Wolfpack, The Ballers, The Lizard Kings, Tri-Hards
This is “don’t care either way” territory. No big reason to like or dislike anyone on these teams, nothing that tells me they have a shot at the tile. Every tournament needs its also-rans.

15. Golden Hearts
You know how the announcers are always crowing about how strong and capable the women are and how women have made such huge strides and women compete on the same field as men etc.? Well, if they’re serious about that, they shouldn’t team up men who pull their weight with women who wear sexy skintight two-pieces and have wild wild hair and pretty pink lipstick and give big smiles that light up the room and wave and bow to the crowd and look all perky and contribute absolute jack squat to their teams. Case in point: Natalie Duran, the party crasher-slash-amateur pilot with the mouth the size of a planet who, whenever she had anything more than a creampuff 2-3 obstacle opening leg, could do nothing but lose. (How do you not get up Warped Wall, dammit?) I pity poor Neil Craver. He knows that he’s going to be facing the best of the best from here on out, and Grant McCartney doesn’t have the juice to carry the team, so he’s going to need help from the female slot, and here he has a shrieking banshee who’s going to give up a point in every match and give him absolutely no margin for error. It’s going to be damn tough to watch.

16. Phoenix Force
AAARRRGGGRRGGRRGLLLLLGG! :mad: This is just plain sickening. Najee Richardson is having the tournament of his goddam life. From his first heat, he reminded me of Joe Moravsky’s complete takeover of NVN2. So of course he has to be saddled with a COMPLETELY WORTHLESS LEAD WEIGHT in Cassie Craig. Duran may be useless in her individual heats, but at least she does her job in the relays. So far Craig has saddled her team with two individual losses and THREE 5-second penalties in relays. She is literally nothing but an utter liability every time she steps onto the course. When this is over, she may very well be the worst team competitor ever. EVER. I didn’t see the end of the 8th prelim, but reports were that Richardson was on the verge of exhaustion just before the final relay. And that was against Frostbite. Imagine when he has to face a teams with plenty of speed and stamina, and every match he knows that it’s going to at least 4, and every relay he’s going to have to overcome a 5-second deficit. It’s going to be torture just to watch.

And if he does the impossible and drags the 500-ton lead weight to the top of the mountain, you know what the worst part is? It proves, once and for all, that it means jack squat who ends up in the women’s spot. Meagan Martin weathering the storm and Jesse Labreck conquering 8 obstacles? Meaningless. All the announcers’ bluster? More meaningless. You could put a grandmother there and win the title. Hell, you could put nobody there; just spot them the point and start each relay at the one-third mark with a 5-second deficit.

This is the team that cannot, cannot, CANNOT win. The damage, both to the event and ANW as a whole, would be simply too massive.

[The_wind_of_my_soul]

Oh man, I never realized it until you mentioned it, but for all the time I’ve spent trying to predict who would win, I haven’t given that much thought to who I’d personally LIKE to win. I’m a bit surprised by how closely your personal rooting interests align with strong teams; in other words, it’s popular to root for the underdog but I would consider the bottom half of your list to be the underdogs. My top picks for teams I’d like to win, for sentimental reasons:

• Young Bloods, as I mentioned upthread.

• Hashtag Ninjas, for exactly the reason you mentioned: “No matter what, they always have a great time and make things fun.”

• Team Frostbite, for Zhanique and Nick Hanson (I don’t even remember who their third teammate is.) Zhanique because she just strikes me as self-made; she doesn’t seem like part of that clique that trains together, and who are considered better than they really are just because of who they’re seen on-camera with (Maggi Thorne, I’m looking at you). And Nick Hanson because going into this, he struck me as a weak competitor compared to a lot of the others – timed out on Stage 1 in season 8, completed it this year but took longer to complete it than all 40 of the other competitors who completed the stage. I mean, completing stage 1 is impressive, he’s certainly not weak, but he’s also certainly not known for his speed. And given that, you can tell that he’s worked really hard this last year, because he’s a lot more competent as a competitor than I would have expected. So they just seem like hard-working under-dogs that deserve something good.

• The Ballers - Just because I like Lorin Ball.

As for teams that I don’t want to win:

Really just Team Ronin. Lol which I guess means I don’t deserve a soul, but Flip and JJ just both seem to get more angry when they lose than other competitors, and – eh. It’s just my perception, and my perception could be wrong, but it seems to me that where many competitors want to do the best they can, that team seems more focused on being “better than other people.” And I realize that’s the whole point of this competition, to perform better than all the other teams. But I’d just rather root for a team that doesn’t seem to get quite as angry.

[MaxTheVool]

@The_wind_of_my_soul

Really just Team Ronin. Lol which I guess means I don’t deserve a soul, but Flip and JJ just both seem to get more angry when they lose than other competitors, and – eh. It’s just my perception, and my perception could be wrong, but it seems to me that where many competitors want to do the best they can, that team seems more focused on being “better than other people.” And I realize that’s the whole point of this competition, to perform better than all the other teams. But I’d just rather root for a team that doesn’t seem to get quite as angry.

I KEEL YOU!!!

Seriously, I’m all in for Team Ronin, for more or less precisely the same reason you seem to dislike them. Flip happened to be more or less the first ninja I ever saw compete, back when I randomly stumbled on this show during season 4 (I think season 4, the one where Brett Stephenson ended up making it the furthest). And poor Flip has been hovering and the cusp of greatness ever sense. He has to be on the short list of people who have made stage 2 the most often without ever making stage 3, and he has gotten very deep into stage 2 multiple times. And to me there’s a difference between getting abusively angry and getting frustratedly angry. Neither he nor JJ take it out on others (as far as we can see). They just get upset because they want so desperately to succeed, and it’s frustrating when they don’t. And who among us can’t sympathize with that?
Aside from that, I mostly agree with DKW’s list, with the comment that he’s kind of assuming that poor Cassie Craig will continue to be dead weight. It’s possible that instead of being an inexcusably bad female competitor, she’s an average female who had a really off day during qualifying. I assume he’d be perfectly fine with Phoenix Force succeeding if she actually gave a decent showing, he just doesn’t want a winning team to be 100% carrying an embarrassingly weak member. (Although I can’t imagine them beating one of the truly elite teams if she continues to struggle like that, so I don’t think it’s much of a worry.)

[Snowboarder_Bo]

I just poked my head in here to see what was going on, and I have to say that I’m very impressed with the work that DKW has done and with the solid engagement by everyone else. I love that the SDMB gives us a place to talk about things and find others who share our interests/passions/weaknesses and I think it’s very cool that y’all have such a solid ANW community within the SD.