This is the end, my friends…and…it’s time to…uh…bend. Expectations. Or something.
NINJA VS. NINJA 1 - FINAL DAY
3rd obstacle: Wing Nuts. A trampoline jump to the first, a lateral swing to the second, and a second swing to a bar. The bar is on a hinge and will swing back and forth, and both competitors have to use it. (I guess after dubbing Kevin Carbone “Da Designa” and trumpeting this about 25,000 times by now, they need to put some version of Wing Nuts in everything. Y’know, so we know that there’s a reason for this and it isn’t the meaningless hyperbolic bluster we thought it was. :rolleyes:)
5th obstacle: Criss Cross Ring Toss - The first and third sections are now angled outward, so there’s no risk of a collision there; otherwise, it’s the same as it was in prelims.
Final thoughts on the four hopefuls.
Labreckfast Club (12-3) - Chris Digangi (3-1), Jesse “Clubhouse” Labreck (4-0), Jon Alexis Jr. (3-1)
Beat: Team Tarzan 3, Dark Horse 3, Frostbite 4, Team Wolfpack 5
The story: Just how good this squad has become. I’ll admit, I was fully expecting another collapse from Alexis. Big expectations and big distractions (i.e. college) are just a lethal combination, and then tack on the memories of how he singlehandedly torpedoed his team one year ago. But he’s not only sprung back, he’s actually figured out how to use his size, and his opponents have definitely felt it. Then there’s Clubhouse, the revelation. Formerly one of a number of pretty-good ladies who weren’t going to make much of mark, she’s evolved into an absolute terror, grinding Tammy McClure to dust one night and making the statement of the year against Adam Rayl another. And Digangi has gone with the flow and become a true force, combining strength and guts to become a foe no one wants to face. With their best competition out, it might take an actual giantkiller to keep them from reaching the top.
Party Time (12-3) - Brian Arnold (3-1), Barclay Stockett (4-0), Jake Murray (3-1)
Beat: Brazi Bros 4, All-American Ninjas 3, Hashtag Ninjas 3, Tri-Hards 5
The story: Having it where it goddam counts. I’ll say it right now: I’m sick of all the blather about “crazy” this and “YouTube sensation” that. I’m sick of all the dancing and swaggering and strutting to the buzzer and goofball stunts. I’m sick of all the ear-bleeding SCREAMING. And I’m sick of all the shots of toned glutes in tight hot pants and pouty-lipsticked faces, as if I don’t have five thousand far better pics on my hard drive right now. To see a team quietly go about its business, have solid fundamentals, and win without any of that crap is an incredible breath of fresh air, not to mention a massive rebuke against the insufferable glurge-a-rama the regular contest has become. (And really, does anyone really want Brian Arnold to start wearing lipstick? :D)
Team Ronin (12-5) - J.J. Woods (1-3), Meagan Martin (4-0), Flip “David” Rodriguez (2-2)
Beat: West Coast Warriors 3, Hashtag Ninjas 5, The Ballers 5, Lab Rats 4
The story: The team that just won’t lose. Woods has been lackluster and Rodriguez has been unimpressive; by rights they should’ve been bounced in the knockout stage at best. And here they are. Part of it has been the unstoppable force that’s Meagan Martin, who’s always been one of the best and has been throwing her weight around here like no woman ever has before. But there’s something subtler, more intangible at play, something about the cohesion and spirit this squad has that makes the whole far, far more than the sum of its parts. This is the kind of team that laughs in the face of conventional wisdom, makes utter fools of all the experts, and overachieves like an anti-Bart Simpson. Like suffering? Bet against them. Even better, think that they can’t keep it up and the NEXT team is going to take them down. Go on, keep bucking them, they can’t keep it up forever. C’mon, tough guy, I dare ya. 
Iron Grip (12-5) - Mathis Owhadi (2-2), Tiana Webberley (1-3), Daniel Gil (4-0)
Beat: The InvincAbels 4, The Lizard Kings 5, Beasts from the East 4, Golden Hearts 4
The story: The ringless superstar with his first real shot at glory. We’ve seen this story a hundred times, one of the greatest athletes of his generation denied the top prize again and again because the supporting cast couldn’t keep up. Now Gil finally has some capable support, and while they’ve faltered at times, they always pull it together in the relays. The big, big question is Owhadi. Tweb is going to be severely outclassed by everyone she faces tonight, so it’s up to “The Kid” to come out charging and beat his men.
= Semifinal match 1: Labreckfast Club vs. Party Time =
(Is Eyes color-blind now? Seriously, I’m starting to worry about the sheer number of things he misses.)
__L: Digangi vs. Murray - Murray has slightly quicker feet and is the first to take on the special-ordered 3rd obstacle. They both take their time with this, making sure they’re on target with their swings, and Murray is still a bit ahead. And…that’s all he’d need, as Digangi comes up short on the bar, and down he goes. Murray/distance 0-1
__W: Labreck vs. Stockett - Stockett is faster through two. On to the wing nuts…and Clubhouse needs an extra swing…but then Stockett can’t seem to get off the second…but then she finally commits and is quickly off the bar. On to the tiles…clean as a whistle. Clubhouse is playing catch-up, her perfect record in serious…Stockett gets hung up on the rings! She just can’t seem to figure them out, and you give Clubhouse this kind of opening, she’s hitting it with an F1 car. She looks relaxed as she hand-over-hands her way to the 9th (that’d be the first peg on the final section), dismounts, and strolls up the wall. Labreck/finish 1-1
__A: Alexis Jr. vs. Arnold - Dammit, Eyes…if you MUST be all giant, giant, giant in every freaking event Alexis is in, could you at least be bothered to read one giant story in the goddam world other than Jack and the Beanstalk? Just one?? Haaahhh. And of course, Bodge does his part to contribute to the idiocy quota by noting how Alexis needs to avoid the water on Sonic Swing after he’s already past Sonic Swing. Bravo, that’s real teamwork. :smack: They’re on the first nut at the same time, and…ooh, yeah, that’s how being big helps you! Alex just casually reaches to the second nut and has it, and from there it’s an easy hop to the bar. Arnold needs to answer and does, getting on the bar while Alexis is still on it. It’s all square again going to the tiles, but Alexis steps ahead and is on first, and he’s the first on the rings, and…man, those are some big swings! And he’s only made it to the 7th before he goes for the dismount…and he makes it! Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! 
Alexis Jr./finish 2-1
__R1: Labreck/Digangi/Alexis Jr. vs. Stockett/Murray/Arnold - Stockett is “Sparkly Ninja” now? Had no idea these nicknames had shot past “grating” and gone all the way to “word salad”. :rolleyes: At the start, Bodge goes “One two three boomboomboomboomboom”, which I guess is his term for “nothing interesting happens and both make the tag at the same freaking time”, and if that’s the case, hey, bullseye. Digangi doesn’t repeat his mistake, and both second leggers are on the bar and off the bar. Will there…no, Digangi stays within striking distance but doesn’t risk a collision, and Arnold starts the rings with a slight lead. And then Alexis picks up right where he left off. He has to go a peg further this time, but he still tears by Arnold and gets up and to the buzzer unopposed. His victory is so crushing that it almost makes me forget that Bodge once again thinks it’s possible to use “all 78 inches” on a pure upper-body obstacle. I don’t know how much recycled idiocy I can take, dammit. :mad: Labreckfast Club/finish 3-1
LABRECKFAST CLUB WINS
A rare instance of raw physical ability being the difference-maker. Both teams were hot, focused, and seasoned going in, but once Alexis started flexing his muscles, Party Time’s ambitions were over.
= Semifinal match 2: Team Ronin vs. Iron Grip =
__L: Woods vs. Owhadi - Woods has the lead going into Wing Nuts. Owhadi reaches for the second and makes it, while Woods makes a hard leap to the second…and Owhadi is on the bar and one-times the dismount! He follows up with a flawless midhop, and this one’s all but in the bag. And it goes completely in after Woods gets to the rings…and heads to the wrong side. Y’know, the side Owhadi already took the rings on. Dang, Woods’ team forays have taken a…Connealyan turn. Owhadi/finish 0-1
__W: Martin vs. Webberley - And a slipup by Bodge. I know, shocker, right? “Meagan Martin needs to win here or Team Ronin is [suddenly realizes they’re only down 0-1 and can’t lose the match here] in troub-le, trouble.” :rolleyes: This one’s decided quickly as both of them take wide swings on the second nut, Martin gets on and off the bar first, and Tweb…can’t seem to find her motivation. This was especially bad since Martin barely budged the bar. Tweb actually catches up a bit on the rings, but Martin easily dismounts from the 8th, and that’s number 11, folks. Martin/finish 1-1
__A: Rodriguez vs. Gil - David sprints like he’s fleeing Goliath (c’mon, I had to put a “Goliath” in there sometime :)) and has a slight lead on Gil going to the first nut. He reaches out to the second and makes the transition. Naturally, Gil tries to answer, and since this…he misses! But of course, on the second try…he can’t make the transition! Caught in no man’s land, he can do nothing to prevent David from opening up a big lead, and a textbook 8th dismount seals it. When the gold is on the line, no one’s immune to pressure. (Um, that wasn’t a small mistake, Bodge.) Rodriguez/finish 2-1
__R1: Martin/Rodriguez/Woods vs. Webberley/Owhadi/Gil - No surprise on the first leg. No surprise on the second leg, either…regrettably, as David’s hands slip right off the bar and he dunks. He’s been known to throw in clunkers like these when the pressure’s on, and this one just cost him big time. Gil has his second 5-second advantage in three nights, and of course Eyes has to pound that horse race narrative drum, which at this point is a dead…
HOLY CRAP, DID HE JUST GIVE UP THE LEAD TO WOODS ON THE RINGS?? Yes! Woods, another competitor who’s kind of notorious for his inconsistency, got past Gil! And he’s the first to the wall! Gil charges like $10,000 is on the line, and he’s just a split second behind at the top…the final lunge…and…point to Gil. Close, but he was clearly first; no need for replay.
Iron Grip/finish 2-2
Wow. Consider now just how huge Gil’s flub on Wing Nuts in the anchor heat was. Had he beaten Owhadi, he would’ve just punched his team’s ticket with a spectacular down-to-the-wire finish, and Iron Grip would be riding a huge wave of momentum going into the final. Instead, Team Ronin, with the insurance heat, gets to settle down, calmly work out what went wrong, and come back roaring. Oh boy. Have a feeling history’s going to repeat itself. One way or another.
__R2: Martin/Rodriguez/Woods vs. Webberley/Owhadi/Gil - Sure, why not. Bodge still holds out faith that something interesting will happen in the first leg, which doesn’t happen, of course. David is on the second nut…and it’s a much different story this time as he hops right to the bar and one-times to the pad, picture-perfect. Meanwhile Owhadi is struggling, unable to pick the right time to get to the moving bar. David has already made the tag by the time Owhadi reaches the tiles, and he can’t make the magic happen twice, as he overshoots the second solo and does a spectacular somersault into the water. That’s it, the nail in the coffin, the coup de grace, the destroyer of hope. Team Ronin/finish 3-2
TEAM RONIN WINS
Sanae, Kanako and Suwako, Team Ronin freaking did it AGAIN. Bad matchups, big mistakes, a thousand pounds of pressure every damn heat, and they just win and win and win. They remind me of the Scott Pilgrim books, or the Las Vegas Golden Knights in their inaugural season, just a complete mismatch on paper every damn time, and you keep thinking that the next opponent is going to do them in, or the next, or the next, or the next, and every single one falls. As impressive a run as anything I’ve ever seen in any sport. They should get an award just for making it this far. (And if ANW had the good sense to have more than one damn trophy, they would, but that’s an issue for another time.)
Oh, hey, and they’re up against Labreckfast Club, and you know what that means! (And if you don’t, you should! :))
=== Championship match: Labreckfast Club vs. Team Ronin ===
__L: Digangi vs. Woods - Woods has a small lead through…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
Yukari almighty, this is just getting surreal. Digangi, who’s probably done net-based obstacles several hundred times by now, loses the handle on the Tick Tock net and tumbles backward to doom. How many breaks can team Ronin get in one universe?? Woods/distance 0-1
__W: Labreck vs. Martin - All right, this is it. 9-0 destroyer vs. 11-0 megastar. Clubhouse has already bested Michelle Warnky; if she can topple another titan, that cements her status as the most fearsome, most terrifying, most dominating woman in NVN there is. If Martin wins, she soars ahead of both Clubhouse and Warnky and all but ices the trophy for her team. Sounds fun. Let’s do this.
(Fun fact: If you combine a “Meagan” chant with a “Jesse” chant, it sounds like “crazy”, which is an apt description of what the level of emotion for this heat is like.)
Deadlocked after 1. Clubhouse is a bit faster off the net and gets on the nuts first. Both need one swing for the transition. Clubhouse swings once, doesn’t pull the trigger, swings again, commits, and is on. Martin…doesn’t make the jump. A bit overcautious, perhaps? The bar is making big swings, and she still can’t find her moment. Clubhouse is starting to pull away, but it’s nine obstacles, so…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
Oh. Oh. Oh. :eek: That is bad. Martin makes her jump while the bar is moving away from her, and she comes up short and lands right in the water. A terrible decision, plain and simple. And just like that, after all the thrilling women’s battles we’ve had in recent weeks, the last one of this competition gets right back to basics. 
It’s situations like this that the term “ignominious” was made for. Labreck/distance 1-1
My DVR shows 58 minutes as they come back from the last commercial break. It was about 4 minutes at the start, so barring another early exit, it doesn’t look like we have time for three more runs. That means that the anchor heat is potentially huge. We could be seeing a best of one here, folks.
__A: Alexis Jr. vs. Rodriguez - Nearly even after two. In a bit of a surprise, David has excellent control while Alexis is unable to repeat the easy-reach traverse he did against Arnold, and David takes the lead. Alexis catches up going to the rings, and they’re virtually even up to the 8th. Ooh, that was a nice bump. Alexis makes an awkward angled jump from the 8th, and…no sweat, he’s safe. He’s first to the ladder, and needs just three hops to clear it. Eyes points out that David’s never had to do this much work before. Alexis still ahead at the start of the 57’ of destiny, Zig Zag Climb. This is the one obstacle his size works against him because it’s hard to really lock in with his limbs at that angle. Can he finally overcome his doubts and prevail? He’s up. David dismounts. It’s not a big lead. David is surging. It’s going to be close. And…Alexis…hits the buzzer first! Alexis Jr./distance 2-1
Wow. Always a sobering reminder of how a second here or there can make all the difference in the world. Had David won, Team Ronin would’ve been in essentially the same position they were in against Iron Grip and at the very least would’ve given Labreckfast Club a hell of a fight. As it is, this is the third time they’ve been in a 2-1 hole, and against their strongest opponent yet. You could see the writing on the wall with Alexis’ win, and it looks like all that’s left is to put a signature on it.
__R1:Alexis Jr./Digangi/Labreck vs. Rodriguez/Woods/Martin - 
Uhhh…
Okay…I get that Labreck has a ton of confidence and would like nothing more than to take this home. And…that’s the only thing I get about this. The second leg seems like the natural place for Martin, as she’s neither a blazing sprinter nor an upper-body crusher (albeit still better in either department than about 95% of the women), and Rodriguez just showed what he was capable of in the stretch run, while the relatively weak Woods would be best placed in front. Alexis has been an absolute beast in the middle section, and Digangi, who looks a bit off tonight, would be best starting off. Yes, yes, I know he went down on Tick Tock, but that was a fluke! He’s not Cassie Craig, dammit! All he needs to do is stay upright and not give up too much ground to Woods! I can only guess that this is the “give the women a chance” thing this contest apparently needs one of every year, and I can accept that, but the goddam title match is just about the most inappropriate place to get all cute like this. Ah well.
David has a slight lead after two but trips up in front of the trampoline; they’re on the bar at the same time, and Alexis makes a very pretty one-timer while David doesn’t. Digangi, wanting some redemption for his earlier mistake, steps calmly through the tiles and begins the rings. Woods quickly catches up…and Digangi is missing pegs! He tries to do two at a time and whiffs, then whiffs again! He finally comes to his senses and takes them the “wimpy” way, but Woods is already off the rings and off to the races. Digangi takes waaaaay too long to dismount and get up the wall. It’s really been an off night for him, downright shocking considering how good he was in his previous two matches. Clubhouse has been stone cold tonight, but now she’s has a big deficit against one of her strongest rivals. Martin is already on the 4th rung by the time Clubhouse begins. She gets to work…
…aw, geez. Remember how I mentioned earlier that Martin is neither a blazing sprinter nor an upper-body crusher? That second thing has really jumped up to bite her, as Clubhouse easily catches up on the ladder. And pulls ahead on the first die. And keeps pulling ahead. Eyes pitifully gives the rotting carcass of the horse race narrative one last sad little slap as Clubhouse kicks it into overdrive and leaves Martin breathing fumes. Labreckfast Club/finish 3-1
LABRECKFAST CLUB WINS
Matchup of the day: Oh, so many to choose from. 
But I always look at the big picture, and so I’m going with Arnold/Alexis Jr. This was Alexis’ rite of passage. He’d gotten some nice wins, but he’d never beaten anyone the caliber of Arnold, a true legend of the game who had the consistency of a clock and the nerves of a Masters champion. He simply does not make stupid blunders or leave big openings. There is exactly one way to beat him: outperform him. And Alexis did. And did again from a disadvantage. Once everyone saw him close out Party Time, we knew that he was through being a stumbling, choking sad sack and was here to win. And he did, and he did.
MVP: Alexis Jr. Besting Arnold was impressive enough, but he wasn’t hoisting the trophy unless he could find a way to hold off a surging David. On his worst obstacle. It seemed a hopeless task, but champions find a way, and he made sure that, one way or another, it would be his buzzer that got pressed first. The relay was really just a formality after that.
Overall MVP: Jon Alexis Jr. I mean, what more can I say about him at this point? Worst to first. Despair to victory. The “giant” who finally got rid of the quotation marks. The single most dramatic improvement I’ve ever seen from any TNW/NVN competitor. From his very first match, this honor was his to lose, and he made sure that would never happen.
This had a little of everything: Elation and misery, accomplishment and failure, satisfaction and disappointment, tedium and surprise, overachievement and underachievement, incredible individual efforts, inexplicable falls, inspired calls, headscratchers, heroes, albatrosses, weirdness, and in the end a final that crowned the right team but left you wanting just a little more. That’s just par for the course for the thoroughly unpredictable exercise that is ANW’s team event.
I can’t help but think that Eyes and Bodge are going to find some way to ruin it. But until then, it’s going to be a hell of a party.
Final thoughts and some stats later if I’m up to it.
