American Ninja Warrior

Cafe Society
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Hey folks. Just a heads-up: American Ninja Warrior Junior is going to premiere on October 13, 7pm, on Universal Kids. Thus far I’ve only been able to catch On-Demand snippets. It’s one of the little frustrations of this modern age that television is more powerful and accessible than ever, and it’s still really hard to find certain things when you want them.

I for one hope very much that our cable provider actually has this incredibly obscure-sounding channel, because from what little I’ve seen so far this looks like it could be a lot of fun, and I’ll definitely do cheerful recaps if at all possible. It’s set up more or less like Ninja vs. Ninja (for the sake of simplicity I’m simply going to retire Team Ninja Warrior), which is now by far the most enjoyable of the various incarnations of ANW for me. The regular contest has become absolutely vomitous (more on this in a different thread), and USA vs. The World has become downright offensive. The All-Star event is pretty good but is still marred by that execrable team competition, and Red Nose Day is just…really pointless.

The upshot being that the whole franchise is inching dangerously close to a state where I don’t enjoy talking about it at all. I’ve seen this happen with too many reality shows, most recently Dancing With The Stars and America’s Got Talent. And while I enjoy venting my bitterness as much as the rest of you, if I allow myself to wallow in bitterness too much, it’s going to take over my life and wreck everything. As it stands, the only things about ANW I feel comfortable covering in-depth are NvN and about 60% of the All-Star events, and you’ll remember that the latter is just one day a year. Now we have a new event that promises to accentuate good sportsmanship and encourage the youth of our nation to do their best, and if the execs have any sense, this one will be impossible to mess up. I know you all have your doubts (to be honest, I do too), but if this gives me a break from all the jingoism and hype and glurge and sap and ugliness and freaking screaming into the camera, I say game on and pass the BBQ chips.

MaxTheVool - I don’t care enough about Ultimate Beastmaster to bother getting a Netflix subscription, but I have caught some clips on YouTube, and…yeah, this looks like a fun show. For whatever reason its free from the wretched excesses of ANW (at least for now), and I don’t mike picking up an episode from time to time.

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Watch season 3 semifinal #1 if you can… particularly the run of Jayden “Mozzie the Aussie” Iriving, which is perhaps the most epic run I’ve ever seen. But the entire semifinal played out in incredibly exciting fashion.

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Good news: my cable provider does, in fact, have Universal Kids, so American Ninja Warrior Junior is a go. Definitely looking forward to it. To put it bluntly, there has been very little on television I’d consider fun or thrilling lately, and I have had way more encounters with rude, disgusting, obnoxious, loud, overbearing, insufferable boys (sometimes I honestly wonder if the sole reason things like primogeniture and dowry became common practice was that it was the only way to make raising a boy even remotely worth the trouble) than I would’ve liked. Hard-fought competition between cheerful, energetic children in a supportive environment sounds like just what I need right now. Granted, I’ve misjudged these things before…I expect Stars Earn Stripes to be an action-packed skills challenge and it’s a nauseating flag-waving propaganda piece, I expect Splash to be a goofy romp with plenty of eye candy and it’s a mega-boring blab-a-rama where everyone even remotely photogenic gets shown the door by the goddam second episode…but this is so hard to mess up that I can’t help but be optimistic. And yes, I do understand that so hard /=/ impossible, but the percentages still look mighty good.

Unfortunately, I can’t really say much more right now because I’ve been able to dig up only a little hard information. Here’s what I know. The competitors will be divided into three age groups, 9-10, 11-12, and 13-14. Two will run on the course at the same time, just like NvN. The course has the same six obstacles for all the competitors. In order:

  1. Archer Steps - Two triangular upward-sloping steps leading to a rope swing. Unlike the normal competition, the steps are fixed in place.
  2. Tic Toc - A jump to a pendulum and another jump to a net. Essentially the same as in NVN except with a narrower pendulum. (Not looking forward to the many, many kids I’m going to unfavorably compare Cassie Craig to. :))
  3. Devil Steps - A series of ascending shelves followed by an equal series of descending shelves. All the steps are honest; no gimmicks like rotation or loose ends. (Only the 13-14 group has this; the rest presumably go straight to 4.)
  4. Floating Tiles - A run through six solo tiles, each suspended on four cables, two on each side. Each competitor has a separate set.
  5. Floating Shelf Grab - Three suspended shelves in succession which the competitors have to swing to and grab.
  6. Warped Wall - For 13-14, this is essentially same as in the normal contest’s prelims (although shorter, of course). 11-12 will have a horizontal notch taken out near the top, allowing them to get a hold on a lower target and then climb to the top. 9-10 will have a lower notch; the presumed method here will be to use it as a foothold to get up and over.

The description of episode 1 on my DVR says that there are “16 qualifiers”, and I saw at least one different configuration on a preview video, so I presume that one or two obstacles will be swapped out at some point.

Akbar Gbajabiamila will be the host, and Laurie Hernandez will be the “co-host”. Apparently this means she will be inferior or subordinate in some way. Given that she claimed she was going to be a comedian, I’m uncertain as to whether this is a good or bad thing. I’ll be referring to her as “Hern” unless I find a reason not to.

And that’s about it. First episode in…man, I just keep going on Friday nights, don’t I? Will have the recap same-day if I can hack it.

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So does mine, but I’m loathe to add another channel to my perfectly-filtered channel guide.

Fortunately, I see the first episode is being broadcast on USA* network Monday night around 11pm Eastern, so anyone who doesn’t get Universal Kids can at least catch the first episode. I’m guessing they’ll broadcast them all, but we’ll find out next week.

*I think it’s USA, but it’s in the same area as TBS and TNT so it could be one of those. It’s scheduled right after a super long WWE event.

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It is USA, and it’s on after the regularly scheduled WWE RAW (they have been three hours long for years). However, RAW is live, so it is notorious for being up to 10 minutes past its scheduled end time; pad your DVRs accordingly.

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'Fore I get to the recap…update on how the contest is actually set up. (Super dupey did not want this to be a game day thing, but eh.)

Eyes and Bodge are the hosts. Apparently deputy host or whatever it was means “sideline reporter”, since Hern’s doing the exact same thing as Lay and Cur here.

We start with 64 contestants per age group, each broken up into 16 blocks of 4. Each week 1 block in each age group competes. First they have two matches to determine A Winner and A Loser. The winner of the first match then faces the loser of the second match, and vice versa. The winners of these latter two matches then face each other (on the exact same course), with the winner going to the “semifinals”. As there will be 16 semifinalists, logically they’ll go through the same process again to determine the champion.

Yep. It’s the old Team Ninja Warrior format. :eek: Never in a hundred years, perhaps two hundred, did I expect to see it again. Now, I know what you’re probably asking: “Did the producers learn from the great many debacles this produced in TNW and at least give the winners of the opening matches an advantage in the latter two?” Answer: Don’t be silly. :mad: Be that as this is the case, this makes the first two matches essentially a preseason feeling-out of the course, so I will give them exactly as much respect as the deserve, by which mean refer to them as “exhibitions”. The real matches I dub “knockouts”, and the final match will be the same as always.

There will be a separate course for each age group. The course I described in my last post was for 13-14. 9-10 have:

  1. Sonic Swing - Four shallow angled steps in a straight line leading to a rope swing.
  2. I-Beam - A beam, with narrow handholds on the left and right, leading to a fixed horizontal bar. The beam has a vertical section at the end but it’s just for looks.
  3. Spin Cycle - Same as in NvN, three rotating baskets set at different angles.

Whereas 11-12 have:

  1. Sonic Swing
  2. Ring Toss - Largely the same as in NvN, use two rings to cross a board with pegs on both sides.
  3. Spin Cycle - Also largely the same, swinging across three big fixed wheels.

The even-numbered tasks are unchanged. BTW, the last is officially “13’ Warped Wall”. Y’know, so nobody confuses it with the 18’ Warped Wall or anything. The notches are set at 10’ and 11.5’. 9-10 get to use both notches, while 11-12 only get 11.5’.

Okay, glad that’s settled! All right, I got shopping to do, see you all tomorrow! :smiley:

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My main initial reaction to ANWJ is… damn those kids are good. Which maybe means the obstacles should be a bit harder?

How many kids failed an obstacle the entire show? Three, and most of those were when they were behind and pressing hard to catch up?
I was super impressed by the tall girl who won the medium age group. She was so much taller than her competitors that she almost seemed too big for the course.

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AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 1

We open with a short montage of competitors and the established ANW stars who inspired them. The primary motivation seems to be simple: They saw how cool ninja-ing is and want to get a crack at it themselves. Most of them do train on actual obstacles, so these aren’t simply young jocks doing this on a whim; they are serious about this one specific contest, and many will never compete on any other. It’s good to see this eagerness; I don’t want to see anyone who isn’t 100% willing. The most I’ll accept would be using this to drive home the importance of exercise and active lifestyle, and only if the parents turn to more sensible options once it becomes obvious the child isn’t a cutthroat competitor. “Fine! I’ll get the damn elliptical machine!”

Crowd shots. A few signs, nothing really noteworthy. Lots of children in the stands as well. Our first shot of our old friends Eyes and Bodge, who cite the age groups and…whoa, a $15,000 prize for the winners? Ehhhhh…definite mixed feelings, but that’s a discussion for another day. Now the contest format. Start with the two completely inconsequential matches in the “Seeding Round”, the real matchups in the “Knockout Round”, and then the two winners facing in the “Final Showdown”, all on the exact same course with the exact same number of obstacles. And since these names are so utterly ridiculous, I hereby refuse to use knockout anything and will be referring to the first two real matches as…uh, “real”. Also, the final whatever is “group final”. No sense making this any more confusing than necessary.

Laurie Hernandez takes the floor and gives a quick runthrough of the 9-10 course: Sonic Swing, Tic Toc, I-Beam, Floating Tiles, Spin Cycle, and 13’ Warped Wall with two open notches.

We see the first competitors, Roberto Garemore and Hunter Rowland. Quick profile of Garemore, where he describes the emotional hardship he went through after being separated from his family in Guinea Bissau. He speaks with a calm, controlled cadence from start to finish, and he’s so even-keeled I almost had to double-take. (He looked like a young Chidi Anagonye in those glasses.) No profile for Rowland, but Bodge informs us that she did both gymnastics and martial arts before quitting both to train exclusively for ANW.

= Exhibition 1: Roberto Garemore vs. Hunter Rowland =
It’s a good contest with most of the way, both competitors showing far more speed and agility than I ever remember having at that age. On to I-Beam…and god DAMN, seven minutes in and Eyes blasts off a “flying”. He’s completely hopeless. Rowland has a little trouble on the dismount, and Garemore takes the lead going to the tiles. That’s all he’d need, as…

God damn. Yes again. In order: Shot of Garemore going up the wall and easily making the first notch. Shot of Rowland jumping for the third basket, nearly losing it, and recovering. This took up about eight seconds, BTW. Shot of Garemore pulling himself up and over, while Rowland struggles with the third basket. We lost several crucial seconds of Garemore’s freaking winning run because NBC needed to throw in a sooooo close which could very easily goddam have been handled in a postmatch replay. One match in and I’m fuming at the boneheaded editing here. Unbelievable. :mad:

Eyes stresses the importance of “keeping it positive”, and it’s very noteworthy how polite the crowd has been so far. Or if anyone’s stepped out of line, NBC wisely decided to not reward them with any attention.

Brief timeout to profile the coaches, Barclay Stockett, Najee Richardson, and Kevin Bull. We see Bars giving last-minute directives to two of her charges. “Enjoy yourself, be confident in your movements… y’all have trained for this, you’re prepared… and this is all for fun. Let’s go, let’s go.” Well, if they are going to be serious jocks later in life, may as well get them used to sports cliches now. :smiley:

Profile of Jacob Goldman, where we learn that he’s destructive and has bad judgment. I mean, he’s a boy, what the hell did you expect. His dad tried to build some obstacles; the fruits of these efforts can charitably be described as “ghetto”. His opponent is Lindsey Zimmerman. Eyes says that both parents both competed on ANW, and if you remember what the hell either of them ever accomplished, do feel free to enlighten us. Bodge mentions her cross-country background.

= Exhibition 2: Jacob Goldman vs. Lindsey Zimmerman =
Zimmerman takes too long to get off of Tic Toc and never challenges afterward. Goldman attacks the course hard, and despite giving up some ground on the wall, hits the buzzer with plenty of time to spare.

Hern grills the boy afterward, where we learn two critical facts: 1. he is sooooooo pumped up, and 2. it’s a lot more fun running on the actual course than some junk is dad threw together. Oh yeah. :rolleyes:

Commercial break, and…a waiweewuwwawei. Okay, this is just bad. Why do they even have to do this when the runs are so short as it is? And on the third match of the day, at that. Huh.

= Real 1: Jacob Goldman vs. Hunter Rowland (3WA) =
Rowland simply couldn’t keep up, losing tenths of seconds almost everywhere before messing up the second transition on Spin Cycle. This time she couldn’t save it and splashed down. Cut to Goldman getting up and hitting the buzzer. Since it’s clear we’re going to have these BS cuts from start to finish, thereby making it completely impossible to determine whether the press or the plunge happened first, I’m not going to bother with any “finish” or “distance” distinctions. Come to think of it, maybe I should do that for NvN too.

And of course, what better way to cap it off than with a bunch of awkward twisting and arm flailing that even the most inept Dancing With The Stars contestant would not call it what Eyes inexplicably just did! :smack:

More wisdom from Bars, where she admonishes Zimmerman to not pause before the obstacles and go hard from start to finish. I dunno…it’s good advice for a serious athlete, but for a lot of amateurs it’s a lot easier said than done. It takes plenty of mental discipline to cast aside doubts and keep the hammer down, something I just don’t see in a lot of 10-year-olds.

= Real 2: Roberto Garemore vs. Lindsey Zimmerman =
In the introduction, we learn that Zimmerman completed her opening heat faster than her opponent’s (48.40 to 50.43). There are no sports books on this, of course, but if there were, one of the bettors would no doubt remind us about the folly of using the past to predict the future. Such is the case here. It’s very tight in the beginning, with Zimmerman actually having a razor-thin lead at one point, but once her right leg hits the water coming out of I-Beam, that’s all she wrote. She keeps it tight up to the wall, but that compromised shoe can’t find proper purchase, and Garemore’s victory is never in doubt.

Over to Hern, who of course immediately demands that the winner “dance”, whereupon he displays all the grace and elegance you’d expect from a 10-year-old with zero training. Good gravy. Like, can’t it be a split? Or a front flip? Or a few katas, or poses, or macho flexes? DOES IT HAVE TO BE UNWATCHABLE HALF-BAKED DANCING EVERY FREAKING TIME??? :mad::mad::mad:

With the first two contenders set, we move on to the 10-11 bracket. The obstacles, once again, Sonic Swing, Tic Toc, Ring Toss, Floating Tiles, Fly Wheels, and 13’ Warped Wall with one open notch.

Quick profile of Riley Porter, who has some harsh words about her “crazy” brother, apparently believing that his behavior is due to being younger than her as opposed to our utterly dismal national record in teaching boys any kind of discipline at all whatsoever. She’ll learn. (Man, those are some ripped arms! :eek:) Bodge cites Buttner’s taekwondo background. Kudos to the security detail for successfully keeping away all the worthless scumbags who intended to go there for the sole purpose of making fun of his name. Oh, they were there, all right. I don’t care what anyone says, they’re always there.

= Exhibition 3: Riley Porter vs. Caleb Buttner =
Buttner is a tick faster through Sonic Swing, but he’s a small tyke and takes longer to get up the step leading to Tic Toc. His problems compound, when he needs a second swing. Porter makes it clean on the first attempt and has a sizable lead going to the rings. She sets a smooth pace, but Buttner has better control and closes the gap. He falls a bit behind on the step going to Floating Tiles, but has faster feet and is first to the wheels. Porter is taking a while to make the first transition, and…did Buttner just one-time the last wheel?? Yep, and it’s a straight charge up the wall!..oooh, and that’s why you gotta pause sometimes, Bars. Rushing the first attempt, he can’t keep his speed up and comes up short. Porter gets through the wheels, and they both go up at nearly the same time. Both get the notch, but Buttner a little sooner, and that’s what allows him to tap the buzzer first. Great match! Would be even better if it counted for anything! :slight_smile:

Nothing of consequence in Hern’s debriefing except that his thing is apparently high-fiving.

A commercial break, and…oh my. Okay, I’m completely confident that NBC has a very thorough, very tight, completely professional screening process, and there are absolutely ironclad and watertight protocols in place to make sure that each and every competitor is the proper age for his or her respective bracket. In the absence of, at minimum, compelling evidence, I am the last person to cry foul on anything. That’s why I never denounced Lance Armstrong and to this day have no harsh words for him. That’s why I never once grumbled about “fixing” in sumo. (There was one very high-profile match fixing scandal several years ago, but all the offenders were promptly drummed out.)

That said…holy crap, that is one big girl!

And my worry here is that any positive buzz on whatever she accomplishes will be drowned out by 500,000,000 shrieking accusations on YouTube and similar sites, and the actual truth of the matter will have no relevance whatsoever, she’ll get branded a cheater and that’s all anyone will ever associate with ANWJ ever again. We live in an era where one utterly baseless accusation, backed by enough hysterical raving, can ruin a person for life…remember Richard Jewel? Praying really, really hard that she comes out of this all right. Fingers crossed for good measure.

Profile for the girl in question, Ella McRitchie, where we learn that she looks really good in a bikini and is into competitive rock climbing. And has quite a bit of success so far. Trying very hard to envision an opponent she’s going to face here that she will not be an overwhelming favorite over.

Matchup screen gives her height as 5’ 4”, as opposed to her opponent’s 4’ 6”, whereupon Bodge immediately blurts that height doesn’t guarantee success, and it’s nice that he’s always a good soldier but he needs to draw the line somewhere. (I’m reminded of that Dave Barry article where he compared his son’s soccer team’s opponent to the Brazilian national team.) All he says about the opponent, Jayson Burnison, is that he “lives and breathes ninja” back in Phoenix, the details of which I will leave to your imagination.

= Exhibition 4: Ella McRitchie vs. Jayson Burnison =
She skipped a peg on Ring Toss. She skipped a goddam peg on Ring Toss. I think it’s very much to Burnison’s credit that he didn’t just run off and find somewhere to hide after that.

“Tips and Tricks” segment where Najee Richardson explains how to get up the single-notch Warped Wall. I’m…not seeing the point of this. The contestants have been decided long ago, and he has no need for any climbing aid. I’d rather he teach something from his actual experience, like how to select the right teammates for NvN. (“If the method she uses is in complete defiance of common sense, self-preservation, or, in extreme cases, the laws of physics, drop her like a bad habit. Use force if you have to.”)

Profile on Burnison, where he claims to be “very prepared and very dedicated to Ninja Warrior”. He trains so hard that he gets blisters and calluses, which could conceivably be considered a positive trait in a sport where he actually had a prayer of making a red cent.

Wait…“out at Warped Wall”? I thought that only happened if you failed on it three times. This show just confuses me, man.

= Real 3: Caleb Buttner vs. Jaysen Burnison =
Buttner takes the early lead, but on the Tic Toc exit he misses the net completely and both his feet enter the water, and that’s the end of his hopes. He’s the better athlete and does a very good job of catching up and keeping his footing on Floating Tiles, and he’s actually dead even at the runup to the wall, but he slips all over the place and doesn’t get within a yard of the notch. Burnison has no trouble finding it, and the upset is in the bag. (Heaven and Hell finish! :D)

Replay of Buttner’s absolutely atrocious jump off the pendulum which sealed his fate. It just looks so glaring in slow motion, downright Craigesque. (May or may not become my next cute ANW term; no promises either way. :)) I have a feeling he’s going to be second-guessing that one for a long time.

Commercial break, followed by our good friend the waiweewuwwawei.

= Real 4: Ella McRitchie vs. Riley Porter (3WA) =
Eyes: “McRitchie took the early lead! BUT! Porter didn’t collapse on the course and start crying! Which is worth something! BUT! McRitchie won by what might was probably a pretty huge lead! BUT! We’re only showing the close-up on the wall so I can pretend that it wasn’t! I’ve been doing this horse race narrative crap for so long it’s starting to affect my sanity!”

Four down, two to go. Hern runs down the 13-14 course: Archer Steps, Tic Toc, Devil Steps, Floating Tiles, Flying Shelf Grab, and an unblemished 13’ Warped Wall. Profile of Hudson Humphries: He volunteers at a special needs camp and even donated his birthday money here one year. Real class act, the kind of person you hope isn’t totally destroyed by the absolute hellstorm of high school. His opponent is Carson Brown, who…has obstacles in his backyard. So…yeah.

= Exhibition 5: Carson Brown vs. Hudson Humphries =
Humphries gets off to a fast start and then just kicks it into warp drive on Devil Steps, taking the down section faster than most of us can run downstairs. Not a whole lot to talk about after that.

Profile of Michael Vasilevich, where we learn that…he has a really deep voice. Yeah, stuff about stage acting and panic attacks, but seriously, guys, that voice. His opponent is Courtney Schumacher, whose claim to fame is that she plays on a boys’ baseball team. Um, not to dump on her or anything, but baseball is a sport where they spend about 80% of the game literally standing around doing nothing, and if a player has a weakness or limitation, he can be usually put in a position where that doesn’t hurt him. It’d be more impressive if she was on a soccer or lacrosse team.

= Exhibition 6: Michael Vasilevich vs. Courtney Schumacher =
Hey, they’re best friends, doncha know? Schumacher seems to simply have better all around quickness, and Vasilevich is behind nearly the whole way (which has to be a tad humiliating for him). It’s going to take a big move on Flying Shelf Grab to save him…and that’s exactly what he pulls out, one-timing the final shelf to get to the wall first and take it home.

Hern confirms that, thankfully, they’re still best friends. Cue extremely moronic conspiracy theories on YouTube.

Another commercial break, another (yep) waiweewuwwawei.

= Real 5: Hudson Humphries vs. Courtney Schumacher (3WA) =
The pressure was just too much for Schumacher, who stepped backward to defeat on the Devil Steps dismount.

Kevin Bull has words for the final two competitors, which are really banal and not worth repeating. (Just trust me on this.) Profile of Carson Brown. He races go-karts and has an excellent knack for building and repairing metal objects. It’s nice to see someone develop marketable skills at a young age, and I can almost guarantee you that he’ll be doing a hell of a lot better than a great many competitors in the normal contest.

= Real 6: Michael Vasilevich vs. Carson Brown =
Vasilevich eschews the rope completely on Archer Steps, which isn’t the best move as he lands hard and surrenders the lead. Vasilevich has slightly quicker feet and is the first to Devil Steps, but Brown has a better handle of the transitions, and it’s neck and neck through Floating Steps. He takes the lead again going into Flying Shelf Grab. It’s really close…until Vasilevich does another flawless one-timer on the final shelf. That dude is clutch! :smiley:

Oh, look, Hern wants to attach “Vasilevich” to a maneuver that already has a perfectly acceptable term. Cute. As if my ears weren’t still ringing from “knooockouuutt reeeelaaaaay”. :rolleyes:

One more commercial break before the I don’t even remember the stupid thing they’re calling it.

= 9-10 Group 1 final: Jacob Goldman vs. Roberto Garemore =
With both boys coming off of decisive wins and betraying no obvious weakness, victory could be a simple matter of who’s the better athlete. That would be Goldman, who’s ahead nearly all the way. Garemore briefly has the lead after being the first to make the first Spin Cycle transition, but he can’t keep up the pace, and Goldman is the first to the wall and to the buzzer.

I’m sure he could’ve come up with a much more offensive scream into the camera than that, but he was feeling merciful to us. Such a sweet boy. :slight_smile:

= 11-12 Group 1 final: Ella McRitchie vs. Jaysen Burnison =
Burnison, by virtue of picking up the first steal of the competition, has the privilege of a rematch against the girl who beat him earlier. Revenge matches were a pretty big deal in the old TNW and always fun to watch. Of course, the Relay Showdown had the advantage of being a completely different type of match anything that had come before, which gave the previously defeated team a legitimate shot of pulling off the upset, whereas there is absolutely no reason to believe that McRitchie isn’t going to drag Burnison all over the course a second time.

Which, of course, is exactly what happens. She even skipped the same peg, for crying out loud.

= 13-14 Group 1 final: Hudson Humphries vs. Michael Vasilevich =
A day that started out with so much promise for Vasilevich ends in heartbreak as he misses the first transition on Tic Toc; against an opponent as explosive as Humphries, that’s as good as handing him the buzzer on a platter. It becomes official when Vasilevich loses the handle on the Devil Steps down stairs and plunges in.

Group 1 winners: Jacob Goldman, Ella McRitchie, Hudson Humphries

All in all, I like what I’m seeing on this show. No really spectacular moments, but plenty of good, clean, hard-fought competition. The annoying parts weren’t all that terrible, and I found none of the horrific wretched excesses that plague the other ANW properties. This is definitely going to be a weekly thing. I’ll try to actually get it out on Saturday one of these weeks.

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AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 2

Quick montage of day 1. Announcer says that these young athletes are the future of ANW. Extremely doubtful, but everyone’s gotta have a dream. Even reality show announcers.

Bodge: “Age really is just a number.” Um…you do know that this normally refers to older athletes competing in the same league or event, right? Think Jon Stewart or Sam Sann. It doesn’t really mean anything in an event completely organized into age groups, you…y’know what, you spew out so much moronic garbage on a weekly basis that a dumb cliche isn’t worth getting worked up over, so I won’t. You’re welcome. :slight_smile:

Damn, they really like to show screaming directly into the goddam camera, don’t they?

First matchup is between two cute lil’ things, Kaden Forsha and Miles Odom. Profile of Forsha, were we find out that he does “ninjeeeyaaa” with his sister. Oh, and he claims to have ADHD, but he’s a boy so how can you even tell. He also says that he just wants to have fun and doesn’t care if he wins or loses, which is surprisingly wise for him inasmuch as there is one grand prize and a vast ocean of bitter futility. Miles Odom’s special talent is rock climbing with a pogo stick, which I admit is cooler than a what a lot of contestants on the normal contest have.

No, Bodge. Forget it. They get nicknames when they achieve something meaningful. No sooner. And I’ll probably substitute something even dumber anyway.

= Exhibition 1: Kaden Forsha vs. Miles Odom =
Odom takes the early lead when Forsha gets hung up on the Tic Toc net, but Forsha’s better on upper-body tasks and completely catches up on I-Beam. Odom pulls ahead slightly on the tiles and is on to the first basket. He gets a hand on the second…and that hand slips off, followed quickly by his other hand. So all Forsha needs is to…holy crap, did he just one-time the second AND third baskets?? And he made it look easy! The wall seems almost anticlimactic after that.

[Suh-ighh]…and of course he has to immediately ruin it with more idiotic dancing. Swear to Suwako, I’m giving a standing ovation to the first boy who just does a few macho poses.

Quick shot of the day’s coaches, Drew Dreschel (9-10), Natalie Duran (11-12), and Meagan Martin (13-14). Some uninspiring words from Dreschel.

Profile of Kaya Senderak, who’s been a vegan almost her whole life. “I just cannot imagine eating any of the animals here! I love animals too much to eat them.” Look…it’s easy to have followed a great, shining principle nearly your whole life when your life has barely even reached double digits (and you don’t have to pay your own way, you haven’t faced any serious crises, you’re not responsible for anyone else, etc.). Stick with it for another 15 years and maybe it’ll be worth something. The opponent is Arden Jensen, who…is also vegan. I’m not holding out hope for a hard-fought contest, if you catch my drift.

Dammit, Eyes, on top of all this “flying” crap, can’t you come up with something better than “X vs. X”?

= Exhibition 2: Kaya Senderak vs. Arden Jensen =
It seems like Senderak just wants it more, by which I mean they both look lackluster but Senderak slightly less so. (In fairness, they a lot less lethargic than some of the women that were in TNW1.) Senderak pulls away on the tiles and seems to have this in the bag…and then hits the wall. She reaches for the second basket and misses. Jensen gets on, has to work a bit, but makes the transition. Senderak…whiffs again! And a third time! She’s doomed at this point, so all Jensen has to do is make it to the end…and she can’t, splashing on the second transition. Senderak takes a dive shortly afterward but has the victory by virtue of past performance.

= Real 1: Kaden Forsha vs. Arden Jensen (3WA) =
The poor girl never had a chance as Forsha left her completely in the dust by the tiles. She did splash down on the first Spin Cycle Transition, but Forsha was completely out of the picture at this point so it hardly mattered. He shouts “This show is awesome!” at the top. Mmm, maybe wait one more match before declaring that, bud. :slight_smile:

More insipid pap from Dreschel. He deserves better than this.

= Real 2: Kaya Senderak vs. Miles Odom =
It’s a really tight one through four; Bodge compares it to synchronized swimming, and y’know what, it kinda is. (Man, this show is seriously crimping his style. :D) Odom stumbles out of Floating Tiles, allowing Senderak to reach Spin Cycle first, and all of a sudden it’s make or break time for him. Senderak again can’t find the way, so Odom just has to stay calm and execute. He makes the first transition. A few swings, and he goes for the second…and makes it. And he makes the dismount just as Senderak commits, comes up short, and falls. You can see the disappointment on Senderak’s face as she walks away. If we manage to go sixteen weeks without a girl bursting into tears, it’ll be nothing short of a miracle.

Moving right on to the 10-11 group. Profile of Hans Hertz and his unspecified-developmental-disorder brother. DAMN, I can’t imagine the monumental effort it must have taken to find all these compassionate, loving, selfless boys. I think it’d be easier to find a hundred 50-year-olds good enough to make siffies. Bodge says that Niko Stratdman’s “hand-eye coordination is top-notch”. Well, hey, all right! :smiley: (:confused:) He’s competing in a dress shirt for some reason.

= Exhibition 3: Niko Stradtman vs. Hans Hertz =
Stradtman looks a tad too bulky for a speed contest like ANWJ, and he has trouble keeping up. He does have better upper-body muscle, though, allowing him to keep it close on Ring Toss, and makes a great dismount from the second to last peg. They’re nearly even on the tiles, but Stradtman makes a weird jump on the end and stumbles badly, and Hertz reaches Fly Wheels first. Stradtman looks like he’s about to pull ahead but on the second transition has to readjust his grip. Hertz dismounts and reaches the notch first…and…can’t close the deal as Stradtman muscles his way up first and hits the buzzer. Nice strength-against-weakness contest; don’t see that very often with the grownups!

= Exhibition 4: Hattie Jones vs. Kacey Hu (3WA) =
No contest as Hu falls way behind before splashing at the end of Ring Toss.

Couple pictures of Eyes, Bodge, and the coaches as children, along with their athletic ambitions at the time, which we’re supposed to give a rip about for some reason. Well, I’ll give the show credit for wasting very little time on that kind of nonsense. We’re right to the first now-it-counts match. Still no profile for either.

= Real 3: Niko Stradtman vs. Kacey Hu =
I’m sorry, but these types of matches should not happen. Hu takes way too long to get off of Sonic Swing, needs a second swing on Tic Toc, and takes way too long to get going at all on Ring Toss, and Stradtman is absolutely eating her alive. Hu’s foolhardy ambitions end at the exact same place. A completely unconcerned Stradtman goes the rest of the way and gets up the wall without even needing the notch. I know I expressed some misgivings about Ella McRitchie last week, but all of a sudden I’m hoping there are least three or four others like her. Dang.

Profile of Hattie Jones. She’s the “Fiddlin’ Ninja”, which is exactly what it sounds like. She claims that she’s “Not strong for a girl, just strong,” which apparently means that she’s thinking of transitioning. It’s okay, I’m not here to judge. :smiley:

= Real 4: Hattie Jones vs. Hans Hertz =
Strong, maybe. Composed, not so much. Jones, although she’s slow off the blocks and can’t match Hertz’s foot speed, does a good job of catching up on the rings…until the end, where she takes way too long too dismount. A bad stumble coming out of the tiles seals her fate. (Ooh, a bee daah waww chant, wasn’t expecting that! :))

Eyes gamely proclaims “an impressive performance from both of these competitors”, but he saw what I saw, and he’s gotta know that this contest was dead before it was born. Dang, for the first time in my life, I kinda feel sorry for him. He’s obligated to be positive about everyone, and with the rate we’re having these wipeouts, he’s not only going to be shovelling with both hands, he may have to rent a bulldozer. Fourteen rounds of prelims after today, folks. Fourteen.

Some more rah-rah “exceeding expectations” pablum from Eyes and Bodge.

On to 13-14. Evan Andrews and Analise Grady step up. Eyes says that Andrews gets up at five to train. Profile of Grady. She took up ANW training to build up her upper-body strength for softball pitching. Neither activity is leading to a lucrative career, of course, so I’m just going to wish her the best. She’s running the course in shades, which Bodge rambles on absolutely nonstop about pretty much every freaking minute she’s on screen.

= Exhibition 5: Evan Andrews vs. Analise Grady =
Even through Archer Steps. On the Tic Toc net, Andrews’ legs hit the side of the landing area; he hangs on but gives up the lead. He uses an unorthodox method Devil Steps, using both hands to hop up the up stairs; it looks risky but gets the job done, and they’re even again going to the tiles. Grady gets out first but is a bit tentative starting Flying Shelf Grab, and Andrews gets on first. He has a better handle on the transitions and dismounts just as Grady makes the second transition. Just 13’ to go. Andrews goes up about a half second ahead of Grady…and…they both come up short! Andrews is leaning over, out of breath; Grady…makes her second attempt right away…and is up! It takes her a while to pull herself over, but it becomes academic when Andrews’ second attempt comes up short. A shootout at the wall, who would’ve guessed!

Our last two competitors of the day are Maya Grudman and Bryce Heckard. Profile of Heckard, who wants to follow in his dad’s footsteps as a firefighter. Sheesh…granted, this is new territory and it’s going to take some time to hash out just what constitutes Acceptable Stories for these junior ninjas, but “wants to be a fireman when he grows up??” Seriously? That’s all he’s got? What next, collects baseball cards? Told a teacher that the dog ate his homework? Looking forward to seeing his first R-rated movie?

The matchup screen says for Grudman: “BEST POLE VAULT: 11 FEET”. You’ll remember that the final obstacle requires ascending a structure 2 feet higher than that with no mechanical aid. She could be in trouble here.

= Exhibition 6: Maya Grudman vs. Bryce Heckard =
It’s a wild one early: Heckard seemingly misses the start signal and surrenders the lead, Grudman pauses for no discernible reason before starting Tic Toc, but Heckard needs a second swing, then Grudman falls flat on her back, also for no discernible reason, but recovers quickly enough to maintain the lead. Things settle down somewhat on Devil Steps; both set a steady pace and make it through at nearly the same time. Cut to Meagan Martin at the sidelines shouting “Keep breathing! Keep breathing!” because that’s exactly what we want to see when there are two athletes competing on the course. :mad: They reach the shelves, and this time it’s Heckard who has a crisis of confidence, allowing Grudman to get on first. They’re both on the first shelf and taking a lot of swings, and Eyes says that Heckard is looking fatigued. Both finally commit. Heckard’s hands are on the second shelf…for an instant, and then he plunges. But because he completed Floating Tiles first, Grudman needs to get through to claim the white circle. She made the first transition. If there’s any pressure on her, she doesn’t show it, making the second without a hitch, and then an easy dismount from there.

Oh, and she made it up the wall no problem. How about that. :slight_smile:

Cue shot of Megan Martin saying that she’s going to cry. Hey, as long as you’re off camera, do whatever you want. :rolleyes:

= Real 5: Analise Grady vs. Bryce Heckard (3WA) =
A still-reeling Heckard never had a prayer, completely whiffing on the Tic Toc net and dipping.

Profile of Maya Grudman. She used to be a gymnast and absolutely loved it, but her coaches didn’t believe in her and…she says it filled her with doubt and she couldn’t do it anymore. So she took up pole vaulting…which she also loves…and as far as we can tell has had some success. Ummm…just reading between the lines here, but is it possible that she wasn’t that great a gymnast and her coaches didn’t want her taking the place of someone better? Just sayin’.

= Real 6: Evan Andrews vs. Maya Grudman =
Grudman hesitates again going into Tic Toc. Andrews does the same hopping method going up Devil Steps then blazes down, and this one’s just about over. Oh, that’s a lovely one-timer on the third shelf. Now all he needs to do is get up the wall, and he has all the time in…HE COMES UP SHORT AGAIN! IF HE FAILS TWO MORE TIMES…and he doesn’t; on the second attempt, and fourth overall for the day, he finally figures it out. Grudman is still on the shelves by the time he gets his sweetest of sweet victories. Dang, we are seeing some outstanding competition in 13-14!

Bodge asks Andrews how many more wins he’s going to get, to which he answers “how many there are”, which garners a raucous reaction. I’ll admit, it was a nice on-the-spot fielding of a completely brain-dead question, which is always a useful skill to have on these reality shows. (Wait…did he mean Exhibition wins or Real wins? That’s an important distinction.)

Uh oh…each group had a steal, so you what that means, folks…LISSITAH TIME! :smiley: (Okay, okay, technically it only counts as a let’s-see-you-try-that-again if they had a choice in the matter; let’s not split hairs, all right?)

= 9-10 Group 2 final: Kaden Forsha vs. Miles Odom =
A virtual repeat of their first match. Forsha takes a while to get off the net but is faster through I-Beam, and he resoundingly slams the door shut on Spin Cycle, needing less than six seconds to get through. Odom manages to get one hand on the second basket, but it immediately becomes no hands.

In the postmatch, he tells Hern that he “charged like a rhino was chasing me”, which is probably giving Odom a little too much credit.

= 11-12 Group 2 final: Niko Stradtman vs. Hans Hertz =
Hertz has quicker feet, but not by much, and Stradtman has an opportunity to put the pressure on at Ring Toss. Hertz is making good progress, however, and…dismounts at the second to last peg! Stradtman does as well, but he can’t come close to his opponent’s foot speed on the tiles; now he needs to make a big move on Fly Wheels to have any chance. He’s on, and…he can’t close the gap. Hertz dismounts cleanly and is up the wall. Uh oh, he’s taking a long time to get out of the notch…AND HERE COMES STRADTMAN…but it’s too late; Hertz is up and his retribution is complete.

In the victory interview, Hern asks him how he got the idea to skip a peg. His response: Mom advised him to. Is this kid for real? :smiley:

Various useless blabbage from Meagan Martin to the 13-14 finallists. I never thought I’d be saying this, but I can’t stand this woman right now. :mad:

= 13-14 Group 2 final: Evan Andrews vs. Analise Grady =
Both are smooth and clean through two. Andrews does that two-handed hop on the stairs again, but this time doesn’t gain any ground on his opponent, and they’re dead even going into the tiles. And still dead even going out. Andrews gets through the shelves faster, while Grady is having a bit of trouble. Just 13’ of misery left for Andrews, all alone…AND HE COMES UP SHORT AGAIN! Grady dismounts from the shelves…goes up…*gets one hand on…*hangs on! But Andrews makes his second run…HE GETS UP…but not in time; Grady’s hand is on the buzzer. Dang, I don’t even want to think about the frustration he must be feeling right now. Poor kid.

Group 2 winners: Kaden Forsha, Hans Hertz, Analise Grady

A day that was threatening to become completely sausagefactorious (you remember what that means, right?) ends with a gutsy gal capping off a 3-0 day with a very pretty clutch win. Okay, I’ve made my position on “Battles of the Sexes” more than clear on a few Game Room threads, so let me just state for the record: I think the boys absolutely will win a majority of the matches against the girls, and probably a significant majority…and that’s fine…but not all of them…and that’s fantastic. There will be enough boy dominance to put a complete kibosh on the Charlie’s Angels factor (I think that’s what it’s called :)), but also enough wins by the girls that the repulsive wastes of oxygen on social media don’t get any ammunition. And as a great man once said, that’s why they play the games. The favorite doesn’t always win, and a shocking…or perhaps not all that shocking…upset can happen at any time.

I’m liking what I’m seeing! Will try to get on this a little earlier next week!

490

Obviously it’s fairly insulting to both the boy and girl competitors to reduce this to nothing but battle-of-the-sexes, but I admit I’m certainly paying attention as well. And my vague impression was always that girls and boys were much more physically equal at younger ages, with girls generally even being bigger and taller, and then the boys bull ahead during puberty. So I would have expected girls to do best at the youngest age group, but it’s been exactly the opposite so far. Probably just a small sample size, of course…

491

Just a heads-up: Universal Kids is generously posting full episodes on YouTube in case you miss it on TV. Also, for 11-12, I’m going to call a dismount from the second to last peg on Ring Toss a “long”. I think I called it something similar on NvN. Whatever, simple, easy to remember, you know the drill.

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 3

Begin with a montage of the previous episode, same as before. Nothing special, but it does make these recaps easier. Quick rundown of last week’s winners. Lessons learned: 1. If you fall on the Warped Wall approach, it’s extremely important that you keep going even if your opponent went down on the previous obstacle and you already won! 2. You can lose in the opening match and still win the group, proving that the opening match is completely meaningless, which is definitely shocking news! 3. Analise Grady is super fast and totally did not benefit from Evan Andrews’ misses on the wall! Yeah, all the :rolleyes:.

We start the day with Jordan Watson vs. Sean Arms. In the profile, Arms is seen training under Drew Dreschel. “I eat Ninja, I sleep Ninja, and I dream Ninja.” I had some unhealthy obsessions when I was his age (and an embarrassing in hindsight time afterward), so I’m not too worried. Oh, and he has a little brother, Topher, who reacts exactly as you’d expect a happily oblivious boy barely old enough to stand up to.

= Exhibition 1: Jordan Watson vs. Sean Arms =
Nothing to see here, folks. Arms is just too strong, too fast, too…everything. An utter curbstomp capped off by one-timing all of Spin Cycle and skipping the lower notch on the wall.

Watson stubbornly slogs her way to the buzzer, which Eyes claims is a “phenomenal effort”, and there’s a shot of Arms hugging his brother so you know he isn’t a sadistic bully or anything, which no doubt has more than a few viewers very relieved.

Quick shot of the…“mentors”? Oh, they’re flippin’ Assassins now? :rolleyes: Barclay Stockett, Najee Richardson, and Kevin Bull. Let’s see if Bars has anything slightly more inspiring to say this time! “All right you guys, give it all you got…be confident…and have so much fun out here, let’s go, let’s go.” You make the call! :slight_smile:

Next up, Ryan Richardson against Sydney Smith. Profile on Smith, who’s “studying to be a real life ninja”. No kidding, as in actual budokan ninjutsu. I’m assuming that she wants to learn how to beat up a boy should the need arise, and it’s a tad depressing that this is the best case scenario. Eyes claims that Richardson, who is 1. noticably taller and stronger and 2. not a girl, “has his work cut out for him”. I am not looking forward to the depths of abject desperation he will be scraping by around week, oh, ten.

= Exhibition 2: Ryan Richardson vs. Sydney Smith =
Richardson is a shade slow in the early going, but Smith falls on her back on the Tic Toc net, then takes several extra swings to get off of I-Beam, and she’s now somewhat behind…which immediately becomes hopelessly behind after Richardson needs all of four swings to conquer Spin Cycle. If you want to see decent competition in 9-10, you might have to wait a bit. Like, say, semis.

And to cap it off, Smith, who took a long time to get through Spin Cycle, tries to go up the wall to at least get buzzer cred…and her hands slip out of the upper notch and she falls. I think it’s a credit to her mental fortitude that she didn’t run off the course crying.

What…hey, we’re on a timetable here!

Interview time, where Hern asks Richardson if his height helps him. Swear to Shinki, there are freaking sumo interviewers with better material than her.

= Real 1: Sydney Smith vs. Sean Arms (3WA) =
Oh yeah, Bodge? Oh yeah?? Well, I got one too! Um…in America, we have the right to bear arms…but…Arms is such a bear on the course that…he’s completely un-bearable to his opponents! Ha! All right, that was lame, but it was a hell of a lot more enjoyable than watching this massacre.

Profile of Watson. She’s an obstacle designer, and a bedroom designer…that girl just likes to design the heck out of things! Gotta admit, she stands a far better chance of actually having a decent job 15 years down the line than most of the competitors we’re going to see here.

= Real 2: Ryan Richardson vs. Jordan Watson =
:eek: Did that really happen? Was this match actually…gulp…competitive?? Richardson is slow off the blocks again, and Watson gamely keeps up. But now it’s on to the upper-body test…and Richardson takes too long to dismount, and Watson has the lead going to the tiles! Watson is tentative through the tiles, and they’re even again at Spin Cycle. Richardson is on…HE MISSES THE FIRST TRANSITION! AND HE’S TAKING LOTS OF SWINGS!

But that’s as close as it would get, as Richardson finally makes it to the second basket while Watson is still struggling on the first. Richardson hesitates on the second transition…that miss must have shaken his nerves a bit…but he still dismounts first and conquers the wall with plenty of time to spare.

Richardson won but betrayed fairly serious flaws; barring a shocker, this could have been his last hurrah.

Brett Zimmerman and Ava Long get things started for 11-12. Ninja-ing is a family affair for Zimmerman! Collectively, they’re the “Zimm Ninjas!” The parents have been in the normal contest a couple times! And there’s sibling rivalry! I could use a snoring smiley right now!

= Exhibition 3: Brett Zimmerman vs. Ava Long =
Another game effort from a courageous girl, but Long simply gives up too much ground in the early going, and a long dismount from Zimmerman all but nails it. Closes the gap on the last two, but too little, too late.

Time out for Eyes and Bodge to expound on the positive mentality of the competitors here; they run hard, but they cheer each other on, and they push each other to hit the buzzer. I am seeing quite a bit of this, so much, in fact, that I have to conclude that they’re being deliberately set up to it. Frankly, this is something that needs to happen in more youth sports, and I really hope that someday we get the scoop on how the producers were able to keep everyone on a short leash.

Up next are Gwen Shahboz and Daniel Martin. Profile on the latter. He’s tried to fit in his whole life, but he just didn’t fit in with other kids. Tried to play sports, but was never good at any of them, but then he discovered ANW and found he was good at it. I get the distinct impression that we’re missing a lot of the story here, and I’m super-duper hoping he won’t be treating us to a Flip “David” Rodriguez-esque shocker several years down the line. Shahboz, of course, is the daughter of Joyce Shahboz; given the overall level of aptitude mom has shown in this contest, I can understand why ANWJ isn’t playing this up.

Dang, that’s tall. I’ve had co-workers that would be absolutely dwarfed by these youngsters.

= Exhibition 4: Gwen Shahboz vs. Daniel Martin =
Martin takes the early lead after Shahboz falls on the Tic Toc exit (why do so many girls have trouble with that?). They’re both tentative on Ring Toss, but Martin has better control and also manages a long dismount. Surprisingly, Martin walks through Floating Tiles, apparently unsure of his balance, but it doesn’t matter as Shahboz is still stuck on the rings, unable to transition to the second board. Martin gets a little wobbly on the third wheel but manages to dismount safely, and of course someone that tall isn’t going to need the notch. To add insult to injury, Shahboz slips off the third wheel and gets wet.

And of course Hern has to ask Martin if being tall is an advantage for him. Please tell me NBC is feeding her these questions. I can’t bear the thought of her being this pathetic in reality.

Bars demonstrates how to do Floating Tiles. “The secret is to hit with the middle of your foot on each tile to keep your momentum going forward.” Tune in next week when she reveals that the stuff beneath Floating Tiles really is wet! :rolleyes:

Profile on Shahboz. She’s a drummer in a girl band, which she says helps with her ninja-ing because it’s taught her a steady pace and developed her grip strength. She seems really humble and soft-spoken, which explains why we’ve not seen her once, ever, during any of mama Joyce’s runs despite ANW shoving family members on the screen like a freaking game show.

= Real 3: Brett Zimmerman vs. Gwen Shahboz =
Zimmerman does a long dismount while Shahboz gets hung up again, and that’s the end of her hopes and dreams. This contest can be just heartbreaking sometimes.

Interesting consolation prize, however: she managed to make a successful dismount and get up the wall (respectful bee daah waww chant), and Eyes informs us that this is the first time any Shahboz has hit a buzzer on any iteration of ANW. I was honestly not aware of that. Given how brutally difficult even quallies courses have become and the pretty dim prospects of either parent getting invited on an NvN team, she could be holding that distinction for a long time, perhaps for all time. I’m glad that she gets to take something away from this even if she never had a prayer. It’s a good reminder that individual benchmarks matter every bit as much as winning.

= Real 4: Daniel Martin vs. Ava Long (3WA) =
I actually thought this was a decent matchup for Long, as Martin was far from speedy in his opener and she could put the pressure on as long as she stayed clean. But it only takes one blunder to blow the game, and hers came early when her hand simply slipped off the ring at the start of Ring Toss and sent her all the way down. It could be lonely at the top for Ella McRitchie for quite a while.

Getting 13-14 on are Elijah Browning and Charlie Dieringer. Profile on the latter; he’s an accomplished youth gymnast with Olympic ambitions. He also has alopecia, for which he was very self-conscious and got picked on at school (in other news, grass is green). It’s no surprise that he gravitated to Kevin Bull, and even though they never met before today, he was impressed enough by Bull’s achievements to take up ninja-ing. All well and good, but there always needs to be a twist somewhere, and here it comes in the form of Bull holding up a t-shirt which has “NO HAIR NO FEAR NO PROBLEM” circling an NBA logo-esque silhouette of a competitor hanging from a Wing Nut (and “BIG C” next to it; your guess is as good as mine). I know it’s supposed to be a positive message, but after the completely out of the blue spewage about Daniel Gil’s hairstyle, followed by the Defcon 1 level hysteria over that ridiculous beard bet, I think NBC should just cool it with anything hair-related for a while. Say, 12 months. Make it 15 just to be really safe.

Browning is 5’ 7”? I think he could step over a couple of my co-workers.

= Exhibition 5: Elijah Browning vs. Charlie Dieringer =
Browning has quicker feet out of the gate but makes a really high grab on the net and has to duck way low to get through, and Dieringer is the first to Devil Steps. They handle it equally well. Dieringer is faster through the tiles but hesitates a bit at the start of Flying Shelf Grab, and it’s neck-‘n-neck. Browning will definitely have the advantage at the wall, but it’s taking a lot of effort to get his big body moving, so if Dieringer can get though quickly, he has a chance…and…no. Browning is through, up and over, and the last trace of doubt is erased as Dieringer comes up a foot short. (And a second run comes up inches short…this doesn’t bode well for the real thing.)

Moving right along to Abbie Cheng and Elena Borges. Profile on the latter. She loves her dad. Well, that beats the alter…oh. Geez. Ladies and gentlemen, we have an Acceptable Story. Dad was diagnosed with cancer, and was give 6-10 months…blah blah blah, it’s not like you haven’t heard this story ten million times by now.

Bodge, I think it’s safe to say that nearly everybody has their work cut out for them. That’s how competition normally works. If there are lots of competitors that don’t have their work cut out for them, something’s seriously gone wrong with the selection process.

= Exhibition 6: Abbie Cheng vs. Elena Borges =
Neither girl looks all that explosive, but they set a smooth, mistake-free pace though four. At the shelves, Borges has a better handle on swinging and gets through while Cheng is hung up on the second, but for some reason Borges stops and stares at the wall for a long…long…LONG time. Yo, this is ANWJ, not the World Series! Cheng finally finishes the job and is looking at the wall as well. Borges finally decides she’s ready and charges…and just misses! Cheng goes for it! Will there be a shid? Will…no, not even close. And Borges makes her pay for the missed opportunity by making it up cleanly the second time. Can “reverse shid” be a thing?

Yeah, Eyes, they really are that freaking dumb. :stuck_out_tongue:

Hern and Borges attempt to hash out what she felt when she missed her first attempt on the wall without bringing up the fact that Cheng was unable to get up the wall, with the result that the victory was already sealed when she got through Flying Shelf Grab first, she just didn’t know it at the time. It’s less than successful.

= Real 5: Elena Borges vs. Charlie Dieringer (3WA) =
Borges hung tough to the end, and when Dieringer whiffed on yet another Warped Wall attempt, she had a golden opportunity for a spectacular shid. Alas, she got a hand on but just…couldn’t…hold…on! And this time there’d be no second chance for her, as Dieringer finally figured it out. Dammit, how many times can this happen in one event? This is the worst girl abuse I’ve seen this side of [tasteful example, tasteful example] [oh, forget it, lost cause, just go with fictional characters] Touhou Project! :smiley:

And then I remember that we still haven’t had oh god oh god oh god please make it stop. :frowning:

Profile on Elijah Browning. He has two extremely disrespectful siblings. Lovely.

= Real 6: Elijah Browning vs. Abbie Cheng =
All things considered, Cheng didn’t do too badly, keeping her foe in striking distance up to the end of the tiles. But she couldn’t match his control on the shelves, and once he was off, it was mercilessly full burner all the way up the wall. He casually rolls to victory while she just stares helplessly…

Oh…oh…is this really happening? Despite coming up way short in her first run, she’s going for the wall! And…nope, complete whiff by several inches. Some girls got it and some girls don’t, sweetie pie. No shame.

Funny that he’d need a “different strategy” when he won very convincingly against a much stronger opponent in his first match, Hern. :smack:

Awww, look at Topher give his brother a kiss. If this were a nation that took any measures whatsoever to stamp out intolerance and bigotry, I might find that somewhat heartwarming.

= 9-10 final: Sean Arms vs. Ryan Richardson =
Sigh…let’s face it, none of these wannabes was ever getting the best of Arms. Surges ahead at I-Beam and never looks back, then caps it off by going directly to the second notch at the wall.

Najee Richardson does his best to calm the nerves of the 11-12 contenders.

= 11-12 final: Brett Zimmerman vs. Daniel Martin =
Martin seems to have finally found his legs, and he actually manages to hang dead even going to the rings. Completely unnecessary cutaway to Richardson…thanks, guys, I was wondering when you’d throw that in. :mad: Martin has slightly better form and takes the lead with a long dismount. Zimmerman has faster feet on the tiles and retakes the lead, and Bodge, there’s this thing called Google, you could look up a dozen giant stories not named Jack and the Beanstalk if you gave a crap. :mad:

And there you have it. The Move. The finishing move, if you will. Martin, realizing that he can’t match Zimmerman’s swinging speed, reaches for the second wheel. He doesn’t get it on the first try, but he does on the second, and he pulls it off again. Zimmerman makes a fight for it with a one-timer on the third wheel, but Martin skips the notch on the wall and drives it home. A great battle that neither competitor deserved to lose.

Eyes proudly announces that with three wins, Martin is now officially part of the Ninja Warrior family, whatever the freak that means.

= 13-14 final: Elijah Browning vs. Charlie Dieringer =
The road to the semis goes through the biggest of big brothers, and given how badly Dieringer lost the first time, he has to be staring at the wall, perhaps literally. It’s actually a very good contest early, Browning having a slim lead early and Dieringer passing him on the tiles. On to the shelves, where so many 13-14 runs will get won and lost. Browning makes the first transition first, but he has to readjust his grip, killing his momentum. Dieringer makes the first transition. Browning gets moving again quickly and makes the second transition, but can’t one-time the last shelf. Dieringer is on the third…and he too needs a second swing. They’re off, with Browning slightly ahead! AND IT’S GOING TO BE…Heaven and Hell, Browning getting up and Dieringer just barely missing. Dieringer was 1 for 5 on the wall today. Ouch.

Group 3 winners: Sean Arms, Daniel Martin, Elijah Browning

Just about completely textbook today. Strength beat weakness, big beat small, no upsets, no shockers. It’s still very early, so there’s no need to get worried. Mostly I’m glad that I’m not seeing any of the truly obnoxious elements that plague the regular contest, so I know I’ll be able to watch this to the end.

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I kind of doubt I’ll remember in 14 weeks or whenever the semifinals begin, but DAMN was Sean Arms impressive. By far the most dominant competitor we’ve seen in any age group. I think he could beat some of the 11-12 and 13-14 year old group winners.

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AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 4

I have a handle on the show’s setup now, so I’ve decided to streamline this a bit; from now on, I’ll only mention a name when there’s a profile (or some other noteworthy information) and not mention when the next age group comes up.

Is it just me, or is Eyes pounding home this “it’s about friendship, not competition” thing way too hard? If I didn’t know better, I’d think that something when seriously wrong behind the scenes.

Taylor Greene is “an Internet sensation”, which does not in any way, shape or form, justify those ginormous pictures. She found out about ANW after a birthday party in a ninja gym, and now she wants to show girls her age that they can do it as well. Still ambivalent on this, as the overwhelming majority of them will have to switch to plain ‘ol exercise equipment or sports that pay, so no real point in having a middleman.

= Exhibition 1: Taylor Greene vs. Willie Waerig =
Dead even until Waerig gets hung up at the I-Beam dismount. Greene takes a while to make the first transition on Spin Cycle, reaching to the second basket and having to steady herself, but then one-times the third and makes an easy dismount. Looks relaxed getting to the first notch, and that’ll do it.

Shot of the mentors. Natalie Duran takes over for Barclay Stockett today.

Nikko Sohn watched ANW and wanted to do that, and thanks to a ninja gym he can do that. Sticks up for his younger brother who gets bullied for…wearing glasses? This country is just freaking hopeless.

= Exhibition 2: Nikko Sohn vs. Danika Helland =
Whoa, the camera stays focused on the action while Drew Dreschel spouts some meaningless blurbage? This show fixed a problem? Awesome. :smiley: Almost makes up for Bodge freaking out over 9- and 10-year-olds on I Beam…yo, a tad late for that revelation, don’t you think?..and scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel with the horse race narrative. We get plenty enough of that from Eyes, thank you very much. And Helland goes down on Spin Cycle, and of course it’s not a “jinx” when someone says that sticking a fork into an electric socket is totally safe. :rolleyes:

Oh, geez. Sohn is freaking dancing. Look, boy, maybe win the one that COUNTS before showboating, okay? :smack:

= Real 1: Taylor Greene vs. Danika Helland (3WA) =
Easy win for Greene after Helland got hung up at the I-Beam dismount.

Drew Dreschel gives Sohn and Waerig the most important advice of all…don’t get wet. Someone apparently forgot to tell him that these are 9 and 10 year olds, not toddlers. :smack:

= Real 2: Nikko Sohn vs. Willie Waerig =
Waerig has no trouble with the I-Beam dismount this time. They’re both setting a good but not blistering pace, and neither is able to pull ahead. The seesaw battle continues at Spin Cycle, where Sohn makes the first transition first but Waerig reaches ahead and makes the second first. He dismounts a hair ahead; it’s coming down to a shootout at the wall! They’re both in the first notch! Sohn’s the better climber and reaches the top first, but Waerig is more agile and gets to his feet first! We’ve seen that be the difference maker so many times, could he snatch one away here? They reach for the buzzer…and…IT’S A DEAD HEAT! Dreschel wails “I don’t know!” and for once it’s not a commentary on the general cluelessness and basic uselessness of the coaches here! :slight_smile:

Video replay. Full-speed; resolves nothing. But a suspiciously short time later, Eyes gives the announcement…Sohn wins by a tenth of a second. The frame-by-frame, which they definitely should’ve done in the first place, shows how he did it: he raised his hand just enough to get it over the buzzer, while Waerig put his hand more than a foot above the buzzer before bringing it down. Normally this wouldn’t be a fatal mistake, but here it dooms him to a what-coulda-been.

Autumn Mathisen lives on a farm. (E-I-E-I-O. :p) Oh yeah, dead brother. Acceptable Story #2, woo hoo! :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 3: Autumn Mathisen vs. Brady Parks =
Mathisen has slightly faster feet but gives up vital tenths of seconds on transitions and dismounts, and it’s even going into Fly Wheels. It remains even throughout, which means we’re having another showdown at the wall. Mathisen is simply faster and leaves no doubt as to the better 11-12.

I’ve seen paraplegics dance better than that. :mad: The usual insipidness from Hern.

= Exhibition 4: Kylie Hughes vs. Travis Wolfe (3WA) =
Wolfe completely lost his form on the transition to the second board on Ring Toss and meekly admitted defeat almost immediately. Hughes hit an unneeded buzzer with zero pressure, and achievement for which she showed far too much excitement. :rolleyes:

Hughes reveals that she got her mother into ninja-ing, who should be every bit as successful as Cassandra Dortch.

= Real 3: Kylie Hughes vs. Brady Parks =
Hughes is playing catch-up nearly all the way as Parks had a half-step on her on the ground and makes a long dismount. The end comes after Hughes’ hands slip off the second wheel.

I believe this is the first time Eyes mentioned “winning when it counts”.

Travis Wolfe used to live in Philadelphia, but DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DAAAAAAAAANCE. Someone kill me.

Ooh, nothing like a little macho posturing and egging on at the starting line. Someone kill Bodge too. :mad:

= Real 4: Autumn Mathisen vs. Travis Wolfe =
Hey, guess what, being able to spin and flip and shuck and jive means jack squat on Ring Toss. Wolfe, who clearly was not prepared for this at all, goes out in the exact same spot he did in the first match. Mathisen, apparently feeling the need to put on a real show, makes a long dismount and for good measure skips the notch on the wall.

Bodge proclaims that the races are coming down to a FRACTION of a second difference. Look, I like a photo finish as much as you, but maybe wait until we have more than one before using the plural, all right?

Nicolas Aviles is a boxer. He claims that boxing gets him ready for ninja-ing because it builds his stamina. In other words, he’s using a sport that’s a ravaged shell of its former glory to prepare for a sport that pays nothing. You only live once, kiddo! :slight_smile:

(Ryleigh Rodgers: “Nationally ranked diver”. Ugh. Bad omen if I ever saw one.)

= Exhibition 5: Nicolas Aviles vs. Ryleigh Rodgers =
Aviles uses his superior upper body to full effect on Devil Steps, completing it before Rodgers is halfway across. He has an easy win so long as he doesn’t screw up Flying Shelf Grab. Which is exactly what happens, his hands getting on and off the second shelf. And of course, Rodgers saw everything and now knows exactly what she has to do to win with all the time in the world. She’s at the start of Flying Shelf Grab. She’s on. She takes a bunch of swings. Bodge whines that she’s taking too long, then throws in her “gymnastics background” completely out of the blue. Second transition. Nailed it. Just the dismount left, aaaaand…yeah, no problem. A couple cheerful bee daah waaw-s before she glides up to the buzzer.

Sophia Lavallee’s family has taken her on vacations to Africa, and that’s what inspired her to take up climbing, from which she discovered the joys of ANW. She says “I love ninja because I can feel really strong”, which I can only hope means the powerful rush of hurtling through the air and not being forced to give up weightlifting due to injury.

= Exhibition 6: Sophia Lavallee vs. Daniel Jones =
Jones charges hard out of the gate and takes the early lead, but surprisingly, Lavallee has superior upper-body muscle and sets an absolutely blistering pace through Devil Steps. (I’m stunned Eyes did uncork one of his fullleeeyyingg-s.) She maintains the lead going to the shelves; it could come down to form. Ooh, really hairy for Jones on the second but he hangs on. Jones, although he doesn’t quite have the chops for a one-timer, has a better rhythm on his swings and dismounts first. Lavallee is right on his heels!..and it ends with, of all things, a Heaven and Hell as Lavallee comes up way short, seemingly giving up on the attempt.

“How did you feel?” Man, it’s like Eyes is trying to sound like a sumo interviewer.

= Real 5: Daniel Jones vs. Nicolas Aviles (3WA) =
A frustrating day for Aviles ended with a second tumble off of Flying Shelf Grab, the third shelf this time. What was that someone said about the course being way too easy and almost nobody failing? :smiley:

Time out for the Obstacle of the Day, Devil Steps, brought to you by Meagan Martin. “First, do make sure you use the bar to get on to the obstacle! Skip them if you feel like it, but make sure you don’t hesitate, and make sure you never look down!” Yeah, definitely toddlers.

Ryleigh Rodgers has a spinal defect which knocked her out of gymnastics and required extensive surgery. As regrettable as that is, what’s far worse is that she didn’t know what she’d do with her life after that. The answer: diving. See, everything is there for a reason! :slight_smile:

= Real 6: Ryleigh Rodgers vs. Sophia Lavallee =
It becomes obviously early on that Rogers simply doesn’t have the speed for this. Lavallee pulls ahead for good at the shelves, one-timing the last one for good measure, and has little trouble with the wall this time.

And…we’re going straight to the finals! Unexpected. Hope it becomes a trend.

= 9-10 final: Taylor Greene vs. Nikko Sohn =
By any objective measure Greene is the clearly superior athlete; it’s going to take nothing short of a miracle for Sohn to win. Which…doesn’t happen, as he burns up too much time on I-Beam. He closes the gap a bit on the baskets, but Greene almost casually goes hand-over-hand, skips the bottom notch, and oh my Okina this girl is good!

= 11-12 final: Autumn Mathisen vs. Brady Parks =
Mathisen betrayed no obvious weaknesses in their first encounter; can Parks dig deeper and find a way to win? (Yeah, Bodge, we all know how microscopic a 2-second victory is in A GODDAM SPRINT RACE, YOU GODDAM blood pressure, blood pressure. :mad:) Trouble early for Parks as he misses a peg on Ring Toss. The misery compounds as Mathisen makes a clean long dismount while Parks lands in the water nearly up to his chest. Mathisen’s lead increases, and she doesn’t have to worry about slipping on the wall. Completely unwanted cutaway to Natalie Duran shrieking some gibberish (:mad:) before Mathisen completes the wheels, and it becomes academic when Parks slips off the third wheel. Should’ve taken Dreschel’s advice! :smiley:

= 13-14 final: Sophia Lavallee vs. Daniel Jones =
If Lavallee wins this, it’ll complete a previously unthinkable girls’ 3-fer, but against Jones’ ferocity she’s may need the run of her life. It’s another fast one at the start, Jones having a slight edge…he hesitates on Tic Toc! No kidding, he just pulled to a halt for no apparent reason! Lavallee graciously accepts the gift and is off and running on the steps. Jones stays in it, running hard and retaking the lead on the tiles. It’s another intense battle on the shelves, with Jones being just a tick faster. They both one-time the final shelf, with Jones just a little ahead. Lavallee has ran her heart out, but it looks like she’s going to come up…just…

…WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Jones gets up first, then just stops! Lavallee gets right to her feet and makes a lunge for the buzzer. Jones finally gets his hand up…but not fast enough! Lavallee wins! Lavallee wins!

Looking at the slow-motion replay, it looked like Lavallee simply had better form. She pulled her right foot up and over right away, allowing her to spring up immediately and hit the buzzer. Jones made a very nice grab and was able to pull himself up to his waist but couldn’t get his feet over quickly, and that made all the difference. I can see no possible motivation for him tanking this one, so I’m just going to call it a fantastic hard-fought contest that boiled down to who executed better when it mattered the most. Make up your own stupid conspiracy theories, YouTube!

At any rate…wow. :eek::smiley:

Group 4 winners: Taylor Greene, Autumn Mathisen, Sophia Lavallee

How about that. The girls get completely skunked on day 3, and it looks like we’re doomed to a siffiefied semis. They on day 4 they go 8-3 and get a clean sweep of the semis spots. Never forget the first ironclad rule of sports: It ain’t ever over ‘till it’s over. May I add, about time we got some close ones!

There’s been so much lousy in my life and the world lately, I need ANWJ right now. As long as it continues providing me with thrilling, hard-fought competition, I’ll gladly endure whatever indignities Eyes and Bodge and Hern throw my way.

494

Eyes: “Have you ever been told you couldn’t do something you knew in your heart you could? Did it make you doubt yourself? Or maybe think ‘that’s way too hard for me?’” Hmm. I do recall when I was that age, an extraordinary number of adults were telling me they couldn’t do one goddam thing to prevent all manner of slimeball gutter trash punk from making my life constant neverending hell, which I found extremely implausible since these were invariably authority figures who had direct power over said gutter trash, nicely complementing the near-endless flood of transparent BS these utter wastes of oxygen tried to fill me with on a more or less daily basis. Does that count?

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 5

Bodge starts by revealing that he received many questions about whether it was fair for girls to compete against boys. While I still stand by my prediction that the boys will have at least an appreciable edge, I’m glad that what happened last week cut off the sexist garbage at the knees. There are few things in this world more aggravating than a worthless, shiftless slug vomiting male superiority, and I’m very glad that it’s done with and we can just enjoy a good, clean competition.

All right, enough editorializing. (For now. :)) Profile on the Mylers, of which Payton is running the opening leg. “People in my neighborhood call us ‘The Fun Family’, but online, we’re called ‘The Ninja Kiiiids’!” People, if you really want to convince me to use these nicknames, maybe pick something I won’t forget in like five seconds? :frowning: They have lots and lots and lots of views, which is considered a noteworthy achievement for some reason.

Her three brothers seem really nice and supportive. That’s a pleasant surprise. Usually when it’s TWO parents trying to raise THREE boys, that more or less guarantees that at least one of them is going to be a rampaging terror. Kanako knows I’ve seen that way too often in public housing.

= Exhibition 1: Alyssa Cerula vs. Payton Myler =
Myler is a tick faster to I-Beam. Then I hear someone shouting nonsense over…oh, it’s just Barclay Stockett. I don’t remember her voice being that annoying. Myler gets a better swing and dismounts first, but for some reason pauses at the start of Floating Tiles. Cerula dismounts…and she waits as well. Myler looks back for a long time before starting Spin Cycle, allowing Cerula to catch up again…and it’s settled after Cerula gets hopelessly stuck on the first basket. Myler has the win no matter what, so she can go for a personal mark by getting up the wall, which she does with no problem. Cerula does a few more swings before going for it, failing, and splashing.

Richardson and Bull round out insipid banter duties today.

Eyes informs us that Luke Sarion is the son of some guy who’s accomplished nothing and I don’t give a rip about. Profile of his opponent, Cameron Gerson. He’s full of knowledge and does a funny dance, so definite props to the security detail at this event for preventing him from getting beaten to within an inch of his life (or “roughhousing”, as it’s more commonly known :mad:).

= Exhibition 2: Cameron Gerson vs. Luke Sarion =
Gerson has to take a second swing on Tic Toc and is clumsy off the net, and Eyes jumps right in with his increasingly-pathetic horse race narrative, which means that Sarion is running away with this. No, don’t even pretend, folks. It’s time to give up the ghost on this utterly…

…okay, see, Eyes, THAT’S what you should be talking about! How fortunes can completely turn around on one obstacle! It happens when Sarion gets hung up on the second basket. He made the first transition without any hassle but just can’t manage the second. This allows Gerson to catch up, and even though he’s a bit tentative, he gets to the second basket…then the third…and he’s off! But it’s an awkward landing, nearly flat on his face, and he wastes valuable seconds recovering. Sarion finally rediscovers his courage, and he’s just a few feet behind going to the wall. Ootdia! They’re up…they’re in the notches…and…

Sarion can’t do it. His hand is on the lip and off; he doesn’t have the muscle to pull himself up, and Gerson completes the climb to the buzzer. Sarion makes it on the second try, but day late, dollar short.

Okay, you know what, if he just does one kind of stupid-looking motion that he claims to be a “dance” after each win, I can live with that. Gotta learn to compromise if I’m going to enjoy this spectacle.

Hern grills Gerson on his comeback win. Joe Girardi or John Madden? You be the judge! (Oh, don’t sell yourself short, kid, it wasn’t that close.)

= Real 1: Cameron Gerson vs. Alyssa Cerula (3WA) =
A surprisingly easy wire-to-wire win for Cerula, who had no trouble with Spin Cycle this time. Gerson looked like he just got disheartened and gave up near the end. We’re seeing some major surprises lately!

Profile of Payton Myler’s family, who are even more utterly nondescript than I imagined.

= Real 2: Payton Myler vs. Luke Sarion =
Sarion gets off to an early lead again. Scary moment for Myler when her shins slam into the landing area on the Tic Toc net, but she recovers. Sarion again has no trouble with I-Beam or Floating Tiles, and now he has a sizable lead. If he learned from his past mistake, it could be a decisive win for him. He’s on the second basket. He’s…still on the second basket! And Myler catches up! Sarion manages to make the second transition faster, but Myler is right there. Sarion dismounts first, but not by much. Shootout! They’re up! They’re at the gaps! And…

…we cut to the announcers for like five freaking seconds as Bodge does his best street corner raving derelict impression. Honestly, these editing decisions are just getting demented. :mad:

…oh, right, the conclusion. Sarion again can’t manage the climb, and Myler completes the upset. This competition is killing the contestants who have weaknesses anywhere. Sorry, boy…you did your best, but for now you’re going to have to remain as much of a nobody as your father.

Ooh, another legacy! Karina Choi is the daughter of one of those supposedly inspirational stories NBC relentlessly crams down our throats throughout quallies. Her opponent, Sammy Bainbridge, is another farm boy, and at this point I have to wonder if this is some weird way of sucking up to Donald Trump.

= Exhibition 3: Sammy Bainbridge vs. Karina Choi =
Bainbridge has faster feet on the first obstacle but needs an extra swing on the pendulum, and Choi takes the lead. Choi…man, this girl has some strong arms!..and keeps the lead throughout Ring Toss. Shot of Richardson, and I have to wonder if these mentors really think they’re saying anything these competitors don’t already know. Bainbridge is faster through the tiles but stumbles coming out, and he still can’t close the gap. He does seem to be a bit stronger on Fly Wheels, but not quite enough; if he’s going to be a hero, it’s going to have to be on the wall. And they’re off! Choi has a slight edge! She has to strreeettch for the notch…and just makes it! Bainbridge is on the notch! He’s a stronger climber and closes the gap! They lunge…and IT’S ANOTHER PHOTO FINISH!

(Y’know, Eyes, maybe I’d buy all this “too close to call” BS if you didn’t always come up with the result within a few goddam seconds. :rolleyes:)

Winner by .08 second, Sammy Bainbridge. Hey, good on him for not giving up after his mistake on Tic Toc and really pushing hard at the end. I generally don’t like super-close ones that much…who wants to send an impressionable child home with a bitter what-might-have-been…but they’re fine in the exhibition round. One competitor pulls through in the clutch and has plenty of confidence going into the one that counts; one knows she was in it and has hope of turning it around.

= Exhibition 4: Carter Lam vs. Damiyah Smith (3WA) =
Smith got into trouble quickly on the rings and never recovered.

Carter Lam used to be terrible at sports! But after experiencing the wonders of a ninja gym, he’s not so sure! :smiley: (Man, the jokes just write themselves sometimes, don’t they?)

= Real 3: Carter Lam vs. Karina Choi =
Another walkover for Lam as Choi just plain loses the handle on the Tic Toc net and is deep-sixed. (Damn, it’s always the girls who seem to have so many problems here. :() Lam saunters through the course a second time and will be very rested for the final.

Swear to Sagume, I think I’ve had as much of Hern as I can take. She’s like a white bread factory dunked in vanilla pudding.

Damiyah Smith is a weightlifter. And adopted. Dang, so close to being able to draw a Meagan Martin comparison.

Oh, for the love of…Eyes, I’m pretty sure there are Cub Scouts that are way stronger than you. You’re a facking reality TV show announcer. You spew out tedious garbage at way too high a volume and make mountain ranges and occasional subcontinents out of subatomic nonsense like beard bets. That’s what you do. That’s what you’re capable of. Enough with this inferiority complex already; just do your job, such as it is.

= Real 4: Sammy Bainbridge vs. Damiyah Smith =
It should be an easy win for Bainbridge as long as he stays calm and executes, but you never know how these kids will perform when the matches start counting. He has faster feet and gets to Ring Toss first. He’s making decent progress…HE WHIFFS ON THE TRANSITION TO THE SECOND BOARD AND NEARLY GOES DOWN! He’s looking very clumsy and fighting hard just to right the ship. Smith has a better feel for this obstacle this time (damn, has this been a day for second chances or what? :)) and goes past as Bainbridge continues to fumble.

And Bainbridge loses a ring. (Nice shot of it floating on the water, BTW.) Which means that if Smith completes the obstacle, she has (yet another!) upset win in the bag. She does, and she does. The crowd cheers Bainbridge as he goes for an utterly impossible dismount from the end of the first board, but you know there’s only one way this sad tale ends.

And of course, what would any big turnaround be without an ironic twist in the end? Smith is going for a completion (of course :)), goes for the second transition on Fly Wheels, and gets soaked. Literally all Bainbridge had to do was the same thing he did in the first round with zero time pressure, and he simply chokes in the clutch. Merciless. Just merciless.

Maggie Owen trains with Jesse Labreck. Without calling her “Flex”. See, it’s possible! :wink:

= Exhibition 5: Maggie Owen vs. Emilie Thibodeau =
It’s over at Devil Steps, horse-race narrative horseplop by Bodge notwithstanding. Owen is just plain better with the upper body and sets a blazing pace through the stairs en route to a convincing win.

Nate Pardo has a good relationship with his grandmother. I mean, duh. You ever hear of a kid who wasn’t best buddies with the grandparents? :slight_smile: Granted, most grannies aren’t big sports fans, but this is baseball. Like, the slowest-paced sport in the world. She could get knitting done between Nate’s at-bats.

(The hell does “par-think” mean? :confused: That a golf thing? Only sport I know almost as slow-paced as baseball.)

= Exhibition 6: Nate Pardo vs. Jonah Brown =
Ever been in a situation where you need to describe something, and you want to say something cute or clever, but it’s just so plain and stark that all you can think of is some boring declarative thing? Like how Dan Patrick used to say “He hit the ball real hard”? That’s kinda what I’m feeling after watching this. Pardo came out charging and was so fast and smooth throughout that Brown was little more than a spectator.

= Real 5: Nate Pardo vs. Emilie Thibodeau (3WA) =
I’m getting serious Daniel Gil vibes from Pardo. I really am.

Obstacle of the day, Flying Shelf Grab, and here’s Kevin Bull. “Shock absorbers”. Right. :rolleyes:

Jonah Brown says that working on the farm prepared him for ANWJ. Reason? “I’m carrying buckets of feed, I’m taking care of the animals.” Oh, he must be bringing a lot of fans AHHH HA HA HA HA HA it sounded good at the time, I swear.

= Real 6: Maggie Owen vs. Jonah Brown =
Owen did what she could, but once Brown skipped two of the down stairs, there was no chance of him losing this.

It’s another all-rematch finals, and this one looks intriguing. The female contingent is guaranteed at least one more spot in the semis and has a decent chance at two; meanwhile, Nate Pardo’s been on fire today and could be building credentials for a serious title run. We’ve seen competitors flub the exhibition badly, learn from their mistakes, make the adjustment, and surge all the way back; we’ve seen competitors who looked good early succumb to pressure or overconfidence and fall hard. Which narrative will prevail today?

= 9-10 final: Payton Myler vs. Alyssa Cerula =
It’s close early, with Cerula again showing her superior footspeed and holding a slim lead. On to I-Beam, where both continue to set a brisk pace. Myler gets on the bar first, reaching for it with ease, but Cerula dismounts first…but she can’t quite get the distance and her left foot is in the water! In a contest this tight, that’s usually a death knell. Cerula takes the time to wipe her foot before starting the tiles, giving Myler the lead. Myler pauses before getting on the first basket. Cerula finally commits and makes it safely across the tiles. And that’s all the excitement there’d be as Cerula again struggles on Spin Cycle, the second transition this time. She does make a fight of it at the wall, but with Myler so far ahead, the outcome is never in doubt.

= 11-12 final: Damiyah Smith vs. Carter Lam =
With two giftwrapped victories, there was the question as to whether Lam could win one fair and square. Answer? Oh, baby. Absolutely no contest. This was The Roadrunner against Porky Pig. Smith didn’t belong on the same course as him.

= 13-14 final: Jonah Brown vs. Nate Pardo =
Super match. Super, super match. I only regret that one of them had to lose. And it would have to be Brown. For the second time today. Definite Liu Xun moment here. (Remember? Zhuge Liang…oh, look it up, it’s late. :))

Group 5 winners: Payton Myler, Carter Lam, Nate Pardo

With prelims a little less than a third over, the playoff picture is starting to shape up, and we’re starting to see some really powerful athletes. Hope next week is as good!

495

Okay, since I get tired about grumbling about the same stuff every week (no, really), I’m going to trim this down a bit further by eliminating the stuff about the coaches entirely. You can safely assume that they do nothing at all noteworthy. Also Hern.

Eyes: “Some will win, and some will lose.” This is the first time I remember him ever saying the word “lose” on this show. Could this be a rare moment of accuracy? Hmm. Well, each match does have one winner and one loser, so S(W) = S(L), with S being 15 if you’re counting all the matches or 9 if you’re only counting the ones that matter. But he was clearly talking about the competitors, not the individual matches. So what did he mean by “win” or “lose”? One interpretation is refers to competitors who have at least one win or at least one loss for the day, but when you add up all the ones that didn’t go 0-2 and then the ones that didn’t go 3-0, that’s a heckuva lot more than “some” on either end. Another is that “win” refers to winning the day, i.e. making it to semis, but that’s a 25/75 split, so no way should both sides get the same descriptor. The most sensible explanation is that it means either a winning or losing record. Since we haven’t yet had a situation where both exhibition round losers won the real, that means that results have been either 3-0 2-1 0-2 0-2, 3-0 1-2 1-1 0-2, and 2-1 2-1 1-1 0-2…straight-down-the-middle division, one winner and two losers, and two winners and one loser. Since the latter two scenarios will both occur regularly but are unlikely to occur the exact same number of times, it is almost certainly correct to say that some will win and some will lose, as opposed to, say, half will win/lose.

Hey, this is way better than Matt flippin’ Iseman usually does, I feel that’s worth acknowledging, all right? :smiley:

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 6

Baylee Beckstrand’s parents are competitors. You know anything about this, feel free to enlighten me. Don’t everyone get up at once. Anthony Austin is adopted…and has a brother…who’s also adopted. Yeah. That’s it. It takes a village, doncha know.

= Exhibition 1: Baylee Beckstrand vs. Anthony Austin =
Mostly even up to I-Beam. Austin handles the dismount better and takes the lead. Makes the first transition on the baskets no trouble; has a little trouble with the second but makes it. He’s the first one off, and the wall is just a stepping stone after that. Meanwhile Beckstrand has by far the most spectacular Warrior Wipeout we’ve seen so far; she makes a bad dismount off the final basket, lands flat her back, and flips backwards into the water. If you can’t be victorious, be entertaining! :slight_smile:

Geez. Literally five seconds after Drew Dreschel stops rambling nonsense, I completely forget what he said. I feel completely justified in my decision.

Lila Hodgson puts up with the usual stupid crap from our worthless, broken education system. Moving on.

= Exhibition 2: Zack Keenan vs. Lila Hodgson =
Hodgson’s hands come right off the Tic Toc net and she plummets like an anvil. “Baby bull”? More like baby…uh…penguin! :smiley:

Oh crap, she’s crying. Like, get a clue, folks, did you really think that EVERY 9 year old girl would be a stone-cold tough-as-nails badrectum? So looking forward to the YouTube response. :smack:

= Real 1: Anthony Austin vs. Lila Hodgson (3WA) =
Probably just as well that this one got bumrushed. Hodgson looked pretty good for a while, actually having a slight lead after Floating Tiles, but she completely whiffed on the first basket and fell again.

Baylee Beckstrand’s entire family is into ninja-ing, and we all know how much THAT translates into success! :rolleyes:

= Real 2: Zack Keenan vs. Baylee Beckstrand =
Zzzzzzzzzzz…zzzzzzz…huh…whazza…horse…horse race? I thought I heard…ah, it was probably nothing.

Another one where it was pretty obvious early on which two had a prayer and which two didn’t, and the exhibition/real stuff was just the motions they had to go through before getting to the proper showdown. And yes, this is, in fact, the most goddam boring thing in the universe. Let’s hope the other groups fare a little better.

Tate Allen had a knee tumor at age 8, which was really painful and…wait for it…waaaait fooorrr iittt…required surgery! And required a lengthy recovery! Oh, to be 8 again and find unbelievably mundane stuff like this worthy of a profile! :rolleyes: Oh yeah, Ryan Stratis. AAAAAAAAAARRRRARAGGGGGG!! :rolleyes::mad:

= Exhibition 3: Blace Kamaka vs. Tate Allen =
It’s even through two, and it stays even as both make a nice move on the rings and neither can gain an advantage. It’s still neck and neck through the tiles, meaning this one’s coming down to arm muscle and a furious charge. They make the first transition at the same time! AND THE SECOND AS WELL! AND…no shootout as Allen dismounts cleanly while Kamaka, under pressure, rushes the dismount and goes straight into the water.

So happy to hear someone shriek like a rabid monkey after winning the goddam exhibition leg. That’s such a massive improvement over all the asinine dancing. Can’t we have a competitor who just poses, or bows, or waves to the crowd? Just ONE?? :mad::mad::mad:

We have a special treat coming up, our first match against not just sisters, but twins! Mirror twins, in fact; Brooke Redman is right handed and sister Callie is left handed, and they do things more or less the opposite. I bet if you put them both on the same Ninja vs. Ninja team, it would lead to some pretty interesting matchups! I mean, if it was possible for an NvN team to have two women, which of course it isn’t. Let a guy dream, will ya?

= Exhibition 4: Brooke Redman vs. Callie Redman =
Mmmmm…maybe if you stuck them together, you’d have a decent competitor. Very slow through Sonic Swing, hesitate for no clear reason at the start of Tic Toc and then need two swings apiece and take half of forever to dismount. Not bad form through the rings, and Callie is ahead, but she stops again at the start of Floating Tiles and Brooke trots to the lead. Callie has slightly better form on the wheels and takes the lead for good, locking down a fairly easy win, but does anyone believe they won’t both get obliterated in the money round? I like a novelty matchup as much as the next rice-munching voyeur, but I really hope this is the first and last time for ANWJ1.

Obstacle of the day: Ring Toss. Natalie Duran recommends using hips and legs. Nat, I know at this point you have pretty much nothing going for you besides sex appeal, but try not to make it too obvious.

Blace Kamaka is a stage actor, and a fine one from the looks of it. What he’s not so good at is drawing comparisons. “I feel like ninja’s a lot like theater because you have to have good performance, good reaction…you have to know what to do.” No, no, no, that’s way too generic. You could be talking about football, or rescue work. “A miniskirt should be like a staff meeting, long enough to cover all the important bits but short enough to be interesting.” “Q: What do the Nebraska Cornhuskers and marijuana have in common? A: They both get smoked in bowls.” THAT’S how it’s done. :smiley:

= Real 3: Callie Redman vs. Blace Kamaka =
Yes, Eyes, strictly speaking he DID fall in the first heat, but see, he was under a lot of pressure at the time, and see, you saw how slow Callie was, and I’m going to be generous and assume that you’re merely pretending to be this tragically stupid on the account of you not having died yet.

= Real 4: Tate Allen vs. Brooke Redman (3WA) =
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…how long until the Victoria’s Secret fashion show? Crap. :frowning:

Blake Feero is 1. a big fan of Drew Dreschel and 2. really serious about his hair. Guess he’s just getting this out in the open so if he makes it big, the announcers won’t be caught off guard like they were with Daniel Gil.

= Exhibition 5: Blake Feero vs. Ricardo Perez =
A tight one; Feero has the speed, but Perez has smoother dismounts, and neither asserts himself through four. On to the shelves, and they’re on the second at the same time. Feero finally has enough and makes the second transition, then one-times the shelf, and it’s a straight shot to the buzzer.

Eliza Aitken is a hockey player, and she makes pretty big deal about how physical it is and how tough her team is. Even Eyes points out how tough these players are. Ummmmm…look, I know for a fact that Olympic women’s hockey doesn’t allow hitting. Like, at all. And I have no reason to believe that the girls’ game is any different. I don’t doubt for a second that it’s still a physically demanding and intense activity (like ANW), but the idea that Aitken is taking the same kind of pounding as Eric Lindros or Connor McDavid is an insult to the men do put their bodies on the line night after night.

= Exhibition 6: Eliza Aitken vs. Molly Haywood =
Our second girl-girl exhibition in as many groups. When the producers do this, it’s for one reason and one reason alone: they know the girls can’t hack it and are doing the only thing they can to ensure that the female contingent isn’t completely skunked for the day. Not a good sign.

And we begin with another double-double on the pendulum. Haywood looks stronger and builds a decent lead through Devil Steps, keeps her footing, and is the first to Flying Shelf Grab. Aitken fights hard to the shelves, and that’s as far as this one would go as she goes for the transition and her hands can’t stay on. Haywood looked okay in her win. Maybe we’ll have a decent real match today. Maybe. Just maybe.

= Real 5: Blake Feero vs. Eliza Aitken (3WA) =
FEERO MISSED THE ROPE ON ARCHER STEPS!!! but got such a big jump that he landed safely anyway, on his hands and knees but otherwise fine, and thus the first and last hope of this one being even marginally interesting came to an end.

Molly Haywood…oh, geez. This has got to be the most depressing profile ever, and that includes “I crash Hollywood parties because I’m that desperate for attention”. She’s a “mathlete”, and her thing is reciting pi. To lots and lots and lots of digits. That’s it. That’s freaking it. That’s all she does. Memorizing a gazillion digits of pi is not only a completely useless skill, it’s a completely useless skill which machines can do literally millions of times better. Hell, calculating pi was once the primary test of a computer’s speed. I mean, at least solving a Rubik’s Cube in 9 seconds is visually impressive, as opposed to boring as hell. As if today wasn’t boring enough as it was.

= Real 6: Molly Haywood vs. Ricardo Perez =
In fairness, Haywood was a patch for Perez in footspeed, but she just didn’t have the upper-body oomph, giving up a lot of ground on the stairs, and once it got to the shelves it was all over. Guess she’s three point one four one five nine etc. etc. etc. years too early for this.

Hey, could someone make Jessie Graff stop headdesking before she gives herself a concussion? I already got Michelle Warnky.

= 9-10 final: Zack Keenan vs. Anthony Austin =
Austin gets off to a fast start but falls at the Sonic Swing exit, and that’s the last time he’d ever have the lead as Keenan is off to the races. It’s curtains for Austin when he gets hung up at the I-Beam dismount. Bodge chants “88 and out the gate” as Keenan takes the wall, which I guess means “Screw this horse race narrative garbage, I can’t even pretend anymore.”

= 11-12 final: Tate Allen vs. Blace Kamaka =
These two are a wash in terms of athleticism, but Allen stayed cooler under fire in their first encounter. Can he do it when it matters? Kamaka comes out surging and has a slim lead through two. On to the rings, where Kamaka stretches hard to skip pegs. Allen does his best to keep up but…Kamaka whiffs on the transition! Which allows Allen to catch up and…he’s going for the dismount from the first peg of the second board, skipping three pegs! AND HE MAKES IT! Kamaka, again feeling the heat, goes for the dismount from the same spot…and gets dunked up to his thighs for his trouble. It’s over; in a matchup this tight, there’s no winning with such a massive liability. Bodge, in the most pathetic attempt at a horse race narrative I’ve ever heard here (pretty impressive given Eyes’ record) burbles “Tate’s gotta get up the wall! He’s gotta hit it, he’s gotta hit it…” Like, one of the most automatic things there is on ANWJ. I’m reminded of that sovereign citizen video where the dope narrates events as they’re happening as if that’s going to stop them somehow. Kamaka goes for the wall because why not; after slipping all the way down, he doesn’t bother with a second try.

= 13-14 final: Blake Feero vs. Ricardo Perez =
A mistake by Feero as his legs hit the landing area on the net. He pushes hard on the stairs, shrinking the gap, and has faster feet on the tiles; it’s even going to Flying Shelf Grab. Perez makes the first transition first by a swing; the second by the same. Feero’s running out of time, and Eyes says “Can he make it in one move?”…and that’s exactly what he does, one-timing the final shelf, retaking the lead, and icing the deal by less than a second. Clutch!

Group 6 winners: Zack Keenan, Tate Allen, Blake Feero

Day 6! It happened! Here’s hoping it doesn’t happen again, as being bland and textbook doesn’t make it any faster to recap!

496

Eyes: What do you picture when you think of an athlete? Do you think of someone tall? Or stacked with muscles?
Sometimes. Alexander Karelin, Evander Holyfield, Usain Bolt, Hakeem Olajuwon, Michael Phelps, Lawrence Taylor, Magnus Ver Magnusson, Amanda Nunes, and Musashimaru, to name a few. (Oh, speaking of which, the Victoria’s Secret fashion show has moved from CBS to ABC. Sunday, December 2. Check local listings.)

Eyes: Athletes come in all shapes and sizes.
Oh, so that explains Jeremy Lin! And Tank Abbott, now that I think about it.

boy: I can do anything an adult ninja can do.
Kid, have you ever seen quallies? An amputee could match some of those scrubs. Hell, one of them was an amputee!

Eyes: They’re not only strong in body, but in mind.
Which I’m sure they’ll be grateful for when they learn that, statistically, about .04% of junior jocks will ever make a penny off it, and the figure for ANW is significantly worse.

Eyes: They’re comfortable being different.
girl: What is unique about me is my style. I’m just out of this world.
Honey…“I’m sooooo weird” is, like, at least ten profiles every freaking year. I think “unique” is a pretty huge stretch.

And then he does the incredibly tired “believe in yourself” dreck and my eyes have rolled too far out of my head to continue. :rolleyes:

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 7

Nacssa Garemore, much like brother Roberto, was adopted from Guniea Bissau. He has much better English than many, many immigrants I deal with on a daily basis on my job.

“Family is more than blood.” True, there is another important fluid involved, but not a lot of people like to talk about that. That stuff is nasty.

= Exhibition 1: Nacssa Garemore vs. Taylor Richards =
Even through two. Richards gets across I-Beam a tad quicker but takes too many swings on the bar at the end; Garemore handles it better and takes the lead. He hesitates going to the baskets, and it’s coming down to an upper-body duel. Richards struggles, Garemore doesn’t, and he’s all alone up the wall.

Caleb Tucker is really, really good at jump rope! And…y’know, that might actually help him on the course. Agility, speed, stamina, rhythm. Better than origami, that’s for sure.

= Exhibition 2: Addi Basenback vs. Caleb Tucker =
Tucker is slightly ahead after one, which becomes well ahead after Basenback lets her feet dip on the net and struggles to get back on the landing area. Girls struggle here so much, dunno why. Tucker sets a decent pace across the beam while Basenback struggles badly, and this one’s effectively over as contest. (Goddammit, Eyes, EVERYONE closes the gap on the tiles, it’s a run-run leading up to a swing-swing, GEEZ! :mad:) Tucker has a bit of trouble on the wall, needing two attempts to reach the first notch, but it’s moot as Basenback can’t manage the baskets at all, closing out with an impressive backwards tumble off the landing area into the water.

[Holds envelope to forehead] The sun rises in the east…the Pope is Catholic…Garemore and Tucker completely wipe the floor with Basenback and Richards, respectively, followed by Garemore easily beating Tucker, leading to yet another instance of two beautiful, fit, vibrant girls getting utterly humiliated on national television followed by a boy raising his hopes only to see them get stomped flat and making me wonder just how many more freaking times I’ll have to watch this. [opens envelope, pulls out card] “La La Land”? The hell?

= Real 1: Nacssa Garemore vs. Addi Basenback (3WA) =
Yeah, Garemore almost fell off the course. And I almost took an entire semester of drafting. (Damn, what was I thinking?)

Obstacle of the Day, I-Beam. “Simple,” Bars! The word you’re looking for is simple! Sheesh, as if Eyes doesn’t whine too much as it is!

Taylor Richards likes to ride a vehicle and go fast. Hopefully she won’t end up like Danica Patrick. Damn shame.

= Real 2: Caleb Tucker vs. Taylor Richards =
Richards unexpectedly takes the early lead, unexpectedly keeps it to the pendulum…and VERY unexpectedly does the net dismount much better. Damn, where was this sense of urgency…oh, right, it was the stupid pointless meaningless exhibition match, why the hell should she have made an effort. :slight_smile: On to I-Beam, where you have to think Tucker would have a considerable advantage…and you’d be wrong, as they set the same pace, Richards does the dismount far faster, and Tucker spends way too much time on the bar! Tucker isn’t even on the tiles by the time Richards gets started on Spin Cycle! Richards takes a while to make the first transition, and Tucker is on the first basket. If he’s going to win this, he has to make a big move here. He reaches the second basket, then tries to one time the third…comes up short…and…falls backward into the water!

:eek: RICHARDS WINS! :eek: RICHARDS WINS! RICHARDS WINS! RICHARDS WINS! :eek::eek: RICHARDS WIIIIIIINSSSSS!! :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

Man. I’m thinking Tucker came in cocky, or overconfident, or lackadaisical, or…just not freaking ready, and Richards really hunkered down and decided that she was not limping out of here 0-2, but whatever the reason, this was a completely different boy and girl than what we saw just a few minutes ago.

Every time I think the team competition has become utterly rote, something like this happens. This show rocks! :smiley:

Luke Milman is a cat lover. Which…honestly is not something a lot of 11-year-old boys would admit on television, but ANWJ boys are a remarkable breed.

= Exhibition 3: Luke Milman vs. Sawyer Shaw =
Two shockers in as many matches as Milman completely misses the last step of Sonic Swing and tumbles forward into the water. :eek: He has the extremely dubious honor of the first ever no-result of ANWJ. The replay shows what went wrong; his right foot overshot the third step, taking it on the side, and it slipped right off. Damn, I hate to see this happen to a sweet thing like him, I really do. :frowning:

= Exhibition 4: Joy Wolf vs. Albert Allotta (3WA) =
Wolf fell hopelessly behind after taking a second swing on the pendulum, and any remaining pretentions were dashed when she fell off of the rings.

In an interesting twist, Allotta, who had completed Floating Tiles at that point, decided to end his run there rather than attempting the final two obstacles. That means that both he and Milman have yet to complete the course. How will this affect their chances? Well, as it turns out, they’re up next, so we don’t even need to speculate! Which is good, because I hate speculating! :slight_smile:

Goddammit, Bodge…he won because he made it farther on the course. What I call a “distance” win in the regular team competitions. It is not a default win, because “default” means the other guy never showed up at all. It’s called an online dictionary! Use it! Words mean things! :smack:

= Real 3: Albert Allotta vs. Luke Milman =
Milman’s understandably tentative at the start, but quickly picks up the pace, and Allotta has trouble keeping up. They’re on the rings, Milman having no trouble…ooh, nice long dismount! (I’ll refer to this as a “7th” as it’s from the 7th peg.) Milman is quick through the tiles but inexplicably then backs up a step and looks over his shoulder. Milman! There’s no backtracking in ANW! Allotta catches up but stares at the first wheel for way too long, and Milman is a transition ahead. This is unfamiliar territory for both, so it…AND MILMAN ONE-TIMES THE LAST WHEEL AND DISMOUNTS! That’ll do it; he effortlessly hits the notch and completes his redemption.

Sawyer Shaw is from a family of engineers. And…I don’t really have anything to add. An honorable and practical profession. I should know, I’m the son of one. :slight_smile:

= Real 4: Sawyer Shaw vs. Joy Wolf =
As a great man once said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Likewise, reality TV commentating is watching the same thing over and over again and pretending that the results are going to be different this time…and regrettably for Wolf, even Eyes and Bodge have their limits. Le sigh. :frowning:

Wolf, clearly distraught, does that “laugh-cry” thing where every time it looks like she’s going to start completely bawling, she gives a little laugh in order to convince us that she’s not a sissy or anything. It’s less than successful.

Peace Lopez front and center. “Peace is a unique, creative, loving, creative, and inclusive 13 year old girl.” Yeah, keep telling yourself that. (That is how I’m supposed to respond, right?)

= Exhibition 5: Jeramiah Boyd vs. Peace Lopez =
Boyd is simply a tad better all around and locks up a fairly easy wire-to-wire win.

= Exhibition 6: Melina Sarion vs. Noah Buschur(3WA) =
Very bad look for Sarion, who simply falls off of the pendulum. Seriously, why is it Tic Toc that so many girls make complete hash of? I thought one of the upper-bodiers would be the killer.

Noah Buschur is yet another farm boy. I don’t care what anyone says, this would NOT have happened under the Obama Administration. He has a pet horse and claims that “Training with an animal and training for ANW are the same thing because you’re dealing with discipline.” Uh, sure, whatever. :confused: Come back, Blace Kamaka, all is forgiven…

= Real 5: Noah Buschur vs. Peace Lopez =
Lopez uses her superior speed to good effect in the opening, opening up a small gap after Sonic Swing and executing properly on Tic Toc to stay ahead. Now Devil Steps, and her form is rock-solid, while Buschur seems to have trouble, needing two attempts on one of the steps…wow, did you see his speed on the descent?? Lopez hesitates on the dismount, just briefly, but allowing Buschur to nearly close the gap. No change on Floating Tiles, and Lopez makes it to the first shelf of Flying Shelf Grab first…but Buschur makes the first transition first and gets his first lead of the match! What a turnaround! Lopez makes the first transition, Buschur makes the second…can’t quite one-time it, but he still dismounts first. He backs up to the start of the Warped Wall runup so he can build up a big head of steam. Lopez dismounts. Buschur goes for it, he’s up…he reaches…he’s…he’s…short by a few inches! Now Lopez makes her first run…and she’s up and over! She screams at the top of the wall, but I’ll forgive this one instance because her victory really was that damn impressive. (Plus it was not directly into the camera. Important consideration.) Fantastic match, and it ended with a shid of all things!

And just to add a bittersweet footnote, Buschur goes for it a second time and comes up just short. Nobody wants to be the boy who leaves with zero buzzers. Feel for ya, squirt.

Jeramiah Boyd plays lots of sports. And since ANW has a lot of random stuff, this bodes very well for his success! :smiley:

= Real 6: Jeramiah Boyd vs. Melina Sarion =
Swear to Hina, I think I’ve seen early season Crimson Tide games that were less lopsided than this…

The storyline for the three finals is the same: The gutsy underdog who messed up, made the adjustment, made a strong recovery, and now has a shot at revenge against the big bully who humiliated her. If it were a single match, the smart money would be on the favorite, of course, but we’ve already seen surprises today (phew ;)), and there may yet be one more in the works…

We see the times for Garemore and Richards, 41.21 and 51.58…this was a head to head matchup between them, mind you…whereupon Bodge proudly proclaims that they both finished the course in under a minute. I…that is…that’s A GODDAM TEN SECOND DIFFERENCE, Bodge! Not even remotely comparable! Good lord, if this man gets any stupider, he’s going to join Gamergate. :mad:

= 9-10 final: Nacssa Garemore vs. Taylor Richards =
Garemore has a slight lead going into Tic Toc. Richards…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

…is giving me very uncomfortable flashbacks from NvN1’s ninth prelim. She makes a very bad jump to the pendulum, her feet completely off and her back to the net, makes a weak and awkward leap, comes up way short, and faceplants into the water. Good lord, Tic Toc is destroying more cute girls than Reimu Hakurei. (Yes, I am aware that she too is a cute girl. It still fits.)

Geez. Note to all future female contestants who will have to do Tick Tock or Tic Toc in the future: DON’T DO A DESPERATION DIVE. IT NEVER WORKS.

= 11-12 final: Luke Milman vs. Sawyer Shaw =
Shaw briefly has the lead, but Milman surges ahead with a nimbler Tic Toc exit. Obligatory pointless worthless flow-destroying mentor shot of Najee Richardson as they begin Ring Toss. :smack: Shaw surges ahead, and it looks like Milman is going to have to take a risk if he’s going to stay in contention. They both go for it, Shaw from the 7th and Milman from the 6th…

…and any chance of drama is dashed as Sawyer makes it and Milman plunks. He manages to grab onto the landing area, but we all know that’s only going to delay the inevitable. He does make a fight of it on the tiles and wheels and even manages to be a tick faster off with a one-timer dismount, but (of course) slips all over the wall while Shaw makes it easily…Heaven and Hell. (Hey, both that and a shid in one day, that doesn’t happen very often! :))

= 13-14 final: Jeramiah Boyd vs. Peace Lopez =
Second verse, same as the first. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. What’s old is new again.

Group 7 winners: Nacssa Garemore, Sawyer Shaw, Jeramiah Boyd

There were a couple of interesting twists, but in the end the BBOCs asserted themselves and ruthlessly brushed aside all opposition. Now, I realize that there are going to be strong contenders in the semis, and they’re going to need strong opposition if the matches are going to be worth watching. The last thing anyone wants is some bottom-feeder to catch a few ridiculous breaks, get a lot farther than they ever deserved to, and get creamed (coughTheWingscough). The semis should absolutely be filled with competitors you can imagine reaching the final, and the best living up to the chalk ensures that it will happen. The price of this is that there are going to be a lot of predictable outcomes in prelims, and I’m not seeing that there’s any solution to this. I mean, think of every NBA playoffs you’ve ever seen, how many first round and even second round losers were so obviously out of their depth and never had a whisper of a ghost of a prayer of a shadow of taking the championship. That’s what we’re going through right now. There will be surprises, and dark horses, and inspirations…just don’t expect too many.

497

#8 coming at you early because, for whichever reason, Universal Kids aired it literally the day after #7. Oh, the reason #7 was early as well was because it ran a “preview” for the episode, which usually lasts a minute, and in this case it lasted for the entire episode (which also ran in its usual slot). I have no idea how TV scheduling works these days, folks, especially for stuff like ANW. I’m just grateful to have DVR.

Okay, on to the intro. Aaaaand, Joy Wolf is crying. I did not need to see that again. You did not need to see that again. Nobody needed to see that again, dammit. :mad:

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 8

Bodge kicks things off by proclaiming that if today’s action is anything like last time, he’s going to need an oxygen tank. Gotta admit, that’s a pretty novel way of waving off all the moronic spewage he’s graced us with over the years…blame it on HACE! :slight_smile:

Jack Cook…no. Never, never, ever again. Not touching this with a 500 mile pole. :mad:

= Exhibition 1: Jack Cook vs. Kiley Wolin =
Wolin is incredibly tentative on Tic Toc, waving her arms several times before making the leap. Maybe her recalcitrance is understandable, given the fate of so many other girls here, but it pretty much kills any chances of her winning, and “pretty much” becomes “completely” when her knees hit the landing area on the net and she has to dig herself out. Eyes immediately praises her “remarkable upper body strength”. :rolleyes: Sadly, her Herculean arms fail her at the worst possible time when she whiffs on the first Spin Cycle transition and plummets. As for Cook…slow on Floating Tiles, took way too many swings on Spin Cycle, and overall looked completely unimpressive. It’s not good when we already know who’s not going through after the first match.

Sienna Perez is a rock climber. She claims to be great at it because she’s really good at dealing with pressure. Personally, if I’m ever in a situation where I can potentially be seriously injured or even killed if I mess up, pressure is the last thing I want to feel, but to each her own, I guess.

We see her and Nick Porter flexing on the matchup screen…damn, that boy is ripped! Perez has some nice definition, but even she’s a stick figure next to Porter.

= Exhibition 2: Sienna Perez vs. Nick Porter =
Unfortunately for Porter, speed counts for more than strength here, and whether due to lack of agility or simply being too small, he can’t keep up. Perez wins in a walk. Porter quietly submits on the first Spin Cycle basket; it looked like he wasn’t even trying to reach the second.

Wow, the female contingent may get clobbered in the other groups, but 9-10 is giving us some very impressive girls. Now Perez has a chance to join that rarefied club, and it doesn’t look like there’s anything that can stop her. She’s head and shoulders above the other three here; it’s going to be a struggle for any of them just to avoid being completely humiliated.

Uhhh…add “pretend arm wrestling” to the ever-growing list of ways that Bodge irritates the crap out of me. :smack::mad:

= Real 1: Sienna Perez vs. Kiley Wolin (3WA) =
No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Crap. This is not the kind of surprise I want to see. Perez made an absolutely unforgivable sin…she got cocky. On Tic Toc (YES, FREAKING AGAIN), she lackadaisically reached for the net with one hand, not even bothering to jump, and incredibly enough she did not suddenly gain levitation powers! :smack: First the stuff-that-shall-not-be-named with Jack Cook, now a goddam Cassie Craig flashback. We’re three matches in and I need to lie down. Goddammit.

Oh, Wolin splashed down after missing the first transition on Spin Cycle. Again. So looking forward to seeing her compete a third time. :rolleyes:

Obstacle of the day, Spin Cycle, and I have to agree with Eyes that now is a good time for it. Broken clock, big guy…broken clock.

Nick Porter likes filming dogs from drones. Beats several other things he could be doing with them (both the dogs and the drones). He says “If I win American Ninja Warrior I’m going to explode because I’m going to be very very happy”, which I sincerely hope does not happen whatever the heck he meant by that.

Oh, oblivious numbskull in charge of profiles, protip…don’t air the part where he says “How can I lose with these?” if he’s already lost a freaking match. :smack::smack::smack::smack: I’m a little concerned that I’m using that many smack smileys this early in the program.

= Real 2: Jack Cook vs. Nick Porter =
Cook has quicker feet and has a sizable lead after the tiles. And then…he waits. For a long, long time. He seems to be downright scared of Spin Cycle, which allows Porter to completely catch up and get on first. Cook finally finds his nerve, and they’re dead even…and Porter again can’t manage the first transition. Cook, though he already has the win, is kind enough to complete Spin Cycle and get up the wall so the crowd gets to see some degree of competence.

Watching Natalie Duran with the 11-12 contestants, I have to wonder: Is there some rule prohibiting them from looking hotter than the mentor? Seriously, I’d like to see the issue of clothing addressed sometime. I haven’t seen so much as a bare midriff so far, which makes Duran’s hot pants and cleavage-revealing tank top all the more…conspicuous. (And I never pay attention to these things! :))

Holden McNeil is a gymnast with Olympic aspirations. He’s now training under David, of all people. (You all remember who David is, right? Oh, good.)

= Exhibition 3: Holden McNeil vs. Clair Vachon =
Vachon takes the early lead; McNeil makes a bumpy landing off of Tic Toc but quickly recovers. McNeil has slightly better rhythm on Ring Toss…he’s a GYMNAST, yo! :D…and takes a slim lead. And then Vachon completely throws in the towel when she pulls to a stop before Floating Tiles. You can’t be afraid of anything here, darling! She makes a silly, pointless jump to the last tile, falls, then hits pause again in front of Fly Wheels, and that’s all she wrote. I actually thought McNeil had pretty bad form on the wheels, with too many wasted motions, but it hardly mattered against this opponent.

= Exhibition 4: Josh Auer vs. Matthew Nichols (3WA) =
A brief affair ending with Nichols hitting the water at the end of Ring Toss.

Josh Auer wears a red bathrobe. And…that’s about it. Only thing of note is this Eyes quote: “Don’t let his bathrobe fool you, he doesn’t plan on sleeping on the course.” :eek::smack: That’s right, in addition to the fact that Eyes apparently thinks that someone who already won a match could be a lazy competitor, he also apparently thinks that a BATHrobe is for sleeping. Seriously, I feel sorry for whoever has to go over his wardrobe for the show. (“Matt, you’re wearing a women’s blazer again. Yes, there is a difference. We’ve been over this…Matt…Matt! That is a timing belt! It belongs in a car! Look, I’m just trying to help…are those my shoes??”)

= Real 3: Josh Auer vs. Clair Vachon =
Vachon takes the early lead; Auer has a better dismount off the net and inches ahead. On to the rings, where Auer pulls off a HUGE dismount from the 6th peg, his feet just on the edge of the landing area. No real hope for Vachon after that, and a pretty one-timer on the third wheel ices it. This is the first time I’m going to say “That just isn’t FAIR!” this competition. :slight_smile:

Matthew Nichols is a wrestler with over 250 wins, which I hope does not mean that he’s going to get destroyed by Royce Gracie.

= Real 4: Holden McNeil vs. Matthew Nichols =
Dead even through two. And dead almost immediately afterward, as McNeil has no trouble with the rings and Nichols, again, has nothing but. It’s an effortless win for McNeil, but he at least has the decency to give us yet more ludicrous embarrassing “dancing”. :rolleyes::smack: Seriously, dude, you’re a gymnast; can’t you do that palms-out extended-arms pivot thing? Where’s your pride, dangit?

Quick montage hinting that everyone who went out in the exhibition round hit the buzzer in the real thing. Didn’t say that they won, so eh, I’ll let it slide. Good enough for gub’mint work.

Ethan Bartnicki is a budding rapper…yeah, there’s a positive message :rolleyes:…and we see a brief clip of his latest video. Bleah. I didn’t think it was possible, but this is worse than the trumped up obscenely overrated overproduced poetry recitation I’m used to. I swear I couldn’t understand a single word that came out of his mouth. Bonus: he makes money off of this. None of which is going to college or otherwise learning actually useful skills, of course. :mad:

= Exhibition 5: Bryton Myler vs. Ethan Bartnicki =
Another simple case of one opponent being better than the other. Bartnicki pulls ahead for good on Devil Steps.

= Exhibition 6: Lauren Hotchkiss vs. Anella Bolster (3WA) =
If nothing else, this one gave us something new. Hotchkiss surged ahead after Bolster needed a second swing on the pendulum, whereupon Eyes immediately went into Spin Control Mode, gushing over Hotchkiss’ “picture perfect dismount”. (Man, you just know these announcers have a directive to sugarcoat, and it has to be really killing them sometimes. Imagine if they needed to do it for the normal team competitions. “And yet another opponent of Brent Steffensen is a living god on Flying Shelf Grab!” But I digress.) Alas, with a massive lead and nothing but Warped Wall remaining…she blew it. A miss, then a second miss, then a third, and her run was over; the first ever ANWJ competitor to fail on the wall. That put Bolster right back in it…briefly, before she botched the first transition on the shelves and dunked. Dave Barry, in one of his books, said “It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, because you’re definitely going to lose”, and I’m feeling it here. :frowning:

Bryton Myler does…karate, from the looks of it. And he says “third degree black belt” instead of the much more professional and concise “3-dan”. SERIOUSLY hoping he doesn’t get destroyed by Royce Gracie.

= Real 5: Lauren Hotchkiss vs. Bryton Myler =
Damn, Eyes and Bodge are trying way too hard to hype this up, especially the latter; what is going on with his voice? Cheerleading aside, both competitors set a fairly slow pace up to the up stairs, then Hotchkiss finds an extra gear and surges down to the tiles. She remains a step ahead through the shelves and is the first to the wall. Oh boy…only one of them made it up in the exhibition round, and it wasn’t her; unless she finds an extra reserve somewhere, her dominating run is ending only in a painful shid.

Here we go. First attempt…GOT IT! :eek::smiley: Left hand clamps on, and the right hand follows! Just goes to show you what…I don’t even know what it was, but it worked! She takes a really long time to pull herself up, allowing Myler to make his run, but it’s moot as he comes up short. A clutch win for a gutsy girl!

= Real 6: Ethan Bartnicki vs. Anella Bolster =
This looked liked two unrelated practice runs. Maybe it should have been.

Okay, finals, finals. Anyone think it’s not going to be Cook, Auer, and Bartnicki? Anyone?

= 9-10 final: Jack Cook vs. Kiley Wolin =
Oh baby, just listen to Bodge’s spin here. Word for word, no joke: “While Jack has won his two races, it taking up over a minute both times. If Kiley can just avoid any major mistakes, she’s got more than enough speed to keep up with Jack.” Swear to god, this guy could do PR for a certain Republican president.

Aaaaaaaaaand, Wolin goes out after messing up the first transition on Spin Cycle (really, no way, get outta here :rolleyes:). Nice job keeping up the horse race narrative, guys; totally worth it. :rolleyes::smack::rolleyes:

= 11-12 final: Holden McNeil vs. Josh Auer =
Auer throws his weight around on the rings, making a huge stretch between boards, surrendering a ring and then almost casually swinging to safety from the 6th, but McNeil works quickly and keeps it close. Unfortunately all those extra motions on the wheels doom him; Auer takes a much more efficient approach and nails this one shut.

= 13-14 final: Ethan Bartnicki vs. Lauren Hotchkiss =
Ever notice that every time Bodge says “He has to get over” in a pathetic attempt to pretend that he’s not going to get over really quickly and win it, he gets over really quickly and wins it? Again, not a “reverse jinx”, just a cry for help. Something that would suit Hotchkiss better as she comes up short on the wall a fourth time. Ouch.

Group 8 winners: Jack Cook, Josh Auer, Ethan Bartnicki

Eat a sack of monkey pegs, Perez, you bum. :mad:

498

I think I figured out why ANWJ was designed to have so many competitors and matches. It’s because the producers know that the percentage of matches which hoary, trite sports cliches are applicable to is very small, so they need a really big pool to choose from in order to have enough to fill an entire intro. Guess they still don’t have anything for “turn it up a notch” or “giving 110%”, but there’s still time. :rolleyes:

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 9
Okay, Bodge, logically speaking, once you’ve seen the second such competitor in his or her particular age bracket who has the look of a strong contender…“the kid who will win it all”, as you put it…shouldn’t that mean that you are no longer certain who will win the championship, and therefore any and all future strong contenders you witness should have no further effect on your opinion? I mean, you’re not oddsmaking or anything, are you? Please tell me you’re not that messed up.

Reeder Smith memorizes ANW trivia. He’s so good at it that he thinks ANW is a spinoff of Sasuke (it’s not, it’s just modelled after Sasuke) and it’s perfectly fine to blow off Geoff Britten like everyone else. :mad:

= Exhibition 1: Logan Staggs vs. Reeder Smith =
A fast-paced game of one-upmanship as Smith gets a jump at the start, Staggs surges to the lead by jumping straight to the second landing on Sonic Swing, and Smith blazes through I-Beam to catch back up. They’re even through the tiles and…oh, dang. Smith one-times FREAKING ALL THREE BASKETS ON SPIN CYCLE, and I really don’t need to continue, do I? Staggs had by far the most impressive losing run we’ve seen so far, and it’s just too bad that what’s undoubtedly going to be the best match of the day had to be the first exhibition.

Riley Macarthur knows a lot about dogs. Unfortunately, the utter moron in charge of profiles knows jack squat about restraint. Important note: It is not necessary to plaster a goddam poop emoji on the goddam screen every goddam time someone says the word. Have faith that the viewing audience can understand the concept without a visual aid. Damn, as if there isn’t enough crap on TV as it is…

= Exhibition 2: Penny Keenan vs. Riley Macarthur =
Yeesh. So slow…so inept…I can’t even…where’d they even find…

Screw it. We all know exactly what’s going to happen in the Real matches. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pretending that they’re contests. Forget early season nonconference doormats, it’s going to be a pair of 80’s WWF jobber squashes. Seriously, who wants to see this? :frowning: That the show would even allow such gross mismatches is…uuuuugghh. I’m too disgusted to even think about them. Moving the heck on to 11-12.

Caleb Brown…farm boy. Thanks for sharing, Caleb!

= Exhibition 3: Caleb Brown vs. Sean Garlock =
Brown is ahead after two. On the rings, he’s a little tentative at the start, but Garlock falls behind after whiffing on the transition. Brown dismounts and is on cruise control the rest of the way.

Enzo Wilson is a boy with a vision. He loves the ocean and is distressed with the amount of garbage accumulating in it, so he’s started a beach cleanup drive. Bless his soul, and I sincerely hope that his example inspires others. At times it seems like the polluters and despoilers and ruiners have all the power in the universe, but if enough people like him can get the good word out, maybe they can eventually stem the tide.

= Exhibition 4: Enzo Wilson vs. Jackson Horwedel =
Even through two. On the rings, Wilson has some trouble in the early going; Horwedel stays clean and makes a nice 7th dismount to take the lead. But he hesitates just before the wheels, and Wilson closes the gap. Wilson has a better rhythm and is just one swing behind on the first transition and dead even on the second. They dismount at the same time! And…Wilson is just little faster getting in, up, and over, winning by a small but appreciable margin.

Sheesh, someone is excited over this win. You’d think that it counted for something. :wink:

Obstacle of the Day, Fly Wheels. Don’t see why Najee Richardson couldn’t have demonstrated the “monkey bar technique”, whatever the heck that is. C’mon, big guy, don’t leave us hanging!

Sean Garlock is a multi-sport jock and a self-proclaimed pretty good dancer. I’m starting to see some repetition in these profiles. Can’t we have a boy who just does step aerobics or boxercise?

= Real 3: Enzo Wilson vs. Sean Garlock =
All square up to the transition at the rings. Garlock handles it with no trouble this time, and it looks like he’s going to pull ahead when Wilson does a pretty 7th dismount. Enzo takes a slight lead after the tiles…and keeps it for good when Garlock is simply too slow on the wheels. Wilson is a little clumsy getting over the wall but still finds the buzzer well ahead.

= Real 4: Caleb Brown vs. Jackson Horwedel (3WA) =
Brown leads nearly the entire way and makes it official after Horwedel loses the handle on the second wheel.

Brady Zinglemann…wait a minute…he says he’s the “Dennis the Menace” of climbing? “Dennis the Menace??" Am I hearing that right?? Dennis The Menace is a relic! My newspaper dropped it before I was old enough to worry about my job prospects! Hell, the TV show based on it was black and white! To think that…hold the phone, you’re telling me that there is a a 14 year old boy in this country who KNOWS WHAT NEWSPAPERS ARE?? Damn, that is a thousand times more bizarre than anything Jake Murray ever did. :slight_smile:

= Exhibition 5: Aly Larson vs. Brady Zinglemann =
Larson pauses briefly at the start of Tic Toc for some reason…I can understand why you’re afraid, girl, but you need to keep your head in the game!..but has a better dismount and pulls even. That’s as close as she’d ever get as she struggles badly to get past the up stairs, while Zinglemann has no problem. (Eyes…stop throwing around “tentative” so much. Larson was not tentative. She lacked the arm strength to go faster. It happens. Not every contestant is going to be Brian Arnold on the upper-body obstacles. Less-than-crushing arms are a thing. Seriously, stop it. It’s getting almost as bad as “flying”.) Zinglemann takes a long time to make the first transition on the shelves, but it becomes moot when Larson can’t do it at all and splashes.

Gabby Romano is from a stunt family. She is really big into stunts. Unfortunately, there is very little chance that…wait a minute, she actually met Jessie Graff? Okay, cool. :smiley:

= Exhibition 6: Gabby Romano vs. Eric Ruest =
Romano has a slight lead after two. Ruest gets a quicker start on the stairs and briefly pulls ahead, but Romano has stronger arms and pulls back even. No change on the tiles, which means that we’re going to have a swinging duel. (Way, way too many freaking crowd shots given the pace of these matches. :mad:) Romano has better control and dismounts first, giving her the first crack at the wall… short, could only reach the blocked second notch. Eyes quickly reminds us that if both go out in the same place, the one who completed the previous obstacle first wins. Ruest dismounts and takes his first run. After all the humiliations the first three girls suffered, will Romano have to endure the ignominity of a shid? Will…no, Ruest is way off, not even to the second notch. Romano goes again…really close, but couldn’t get over the top. Damn, that is the fastest bee daah waww chant I’ve ever heard; you can practically feel the desperation. Now Ruest’s second shot. Missed by half a mile again. Romano’s third and last chance. (Man, I’d like to shove a big time gag into Bodge’s big time mouth…) No, same story as the second. Ruest’s third…slightly better, but same result. It’s ANWJ’s first ever wall washout, and Romano is the unexpected benefactor. Damn, this has to really sting for Ruest.

= Real 5: Brady Zinglemann vs. Eric Ruest (3WA) =
Zinglemann made a very awkward landing off of Archer Steps and fell way behind, and it went from bad to completely bad when, on the first Flying Shelf Grab transition, he reached for the shelf with just his left hand, with predictable results. To add insult to injury, Ruest triple-whiffed on the wall a second time. Stunning, stunning upset.

With the favorite going down in flames, this one’s now Romano’s to lose. Let’s hope she doesn’t.

Aly Larson is an amazingly flexible aerialist. Ooh, nice oversplit! “When you do all these things, it’s like flying ‘cause you’re free.” Hey, cool, I like Dragonforce too! :smiley:

(Yeah, we should be so lucky, Eyes…)

= Real 6: Gabby Romano vs. Aly Larson =
Romano, unsurprisingly, is the better upper-bodier and gets a slight lead on the stairs. It stays that way to the shelves, where Romano pulls ahead while Larson tries to avoid repeating her mistake. Can she…yes! First transition smooth as silk! Romano dismounts, but she came up just short the last time; can she…YES! Picture-perfect on the first crack, up, over, buzzer, ballgame! Both girls learned from their mistakes and turned it up when it really counted; Romano, being at a higher level to begin with, was the natural winner. Larson, to her credit, finished the shelves and got up the wall so she won’t have to walk away a failure. That’s nice.

So by my count, that’s one drearily predictable final, one fairly predictable final, and one final I’m hoping like hell is predictable. Variety, bay-bee! :wink:

Bars consoles Staggs, who is crying. Yikes. I have to assume that this is nerves, and in this case, it’s completely justified. Smith looks unstoppable today.

= 9-10 final: Reeder Smith vs. Logan Staggs =
Man, whatever adjustment Staggs made, it’s working! He’s not giving an inch! He’s keeping up! He’s matching Smith step for step! It’s dead even going to…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

Dangit. Smith does another absolutely flawless one-two-three on the baskets, while the pressure becomes too much for Staggs and he falls on the second transition. I’m getting flashbacks to Big Dog Ninjas in NvN1. This game is just outrageously cruel sometimes. :frowning:

= 11-12 final: Caleb Brown vs. Enzo Wilson =
Brown skips a peg on the rings, one-times the first and third wheels, and we need some kind of seeding system freaking yesterday.

= 13-14 final: Eric Ruest vs. Gabby Romano =
Romano is the prohibitive favorite here by any metric; she has this in the bag so long as she doesn’t screw up. Meaning, naturally, that I will be spending this entire run praying like bloody hell that she doesn’t screw up.

Start. Archer Steps, textbook.

Tic Toc (oh god)…no problem, clean jump and landing.

Devil Steps, a bit slow, stumbles on the dismount, nearly gives up the lead, but stays ahead.

Floating Ti…Ruest is too far back on the last tile and his feet hit the water! Now the only thing that can save him is if Romano…NO! He can’t pull himself out and falls in, immediately giving Romano the victory on distance!

And Romano goes up the wall again. Y’know, so you know the first time wasn’t a fluke or anything. :slight_smile:

Group 9 winners: Reeder Smith, Caleb Brown, Gabby Romano

So a day that starts out all but unwatchable ends on a positive note. Eh, I’ll take it. I do think we’re eventually going to need more intelligent placement next time so strong competitors like Logan Staggs get their rightful place in the semis. If they get eaten by the monster then, fine, but they shouldn’t be in the same company as the no-hopes and also-rans.

Some real powerhouses starting to show up! It looks like we can actually look forward to the semifinal round!

499

Huh. All right, I know Marvel is a pretty huge deal right now, but someday we really need to see comparisons other than “superhero”, especially if children are involved. Don’t want to set the bar too high, know what I mean?

Same dealy with “invincible”. We already have two exhibition losers in the semis, dangit. :rolleyes:

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 1 - PRELIMS DAY 10

Luke Pate is a native of Tuscaloosa and is really serious about someday going to the University of Alabama. Dang, 9 years old and already has an eye on college. That’s very…Lisa Simpson. (Seriously, not sure what else to think about this.)

= Exhibition 1: Luke Pate vs. Madelyn Madaras =
Pate takes a nasty hit to the shins on the Tic Toc net, but it’s not a problem as Madaras makes a jump that the King of Town would find laughable…on the second swing, at that…can’t hang on the net, and plummets. It’s going to be one of those prelims, isn’t it? :smack:

Drew Dreschel was standing too close and gets a generous splashing as a reward. Maybe pay attention to incredibly glaring patterns next time, big guy?

Daisy O’Brien is a singer. And a subpar dancer. And an actress. Yeah, I was forced to do a lot of stupid crap as a kid too. (Her singing seems all right. If she’s done anything that I’d ever voluntarily listen to in a thousand years, I’d be glad to give it a try.)

= Exhibition 2: Daisy O’Brien vs. James Scott =
Scott takes the lead when O’Brien fails to make a clean exit on Tic Toc. He holds onto the lead through the next two. On to Spin Cycle. Scott seemingly has a slight edge here, but takes too long on the first basket and, despite what looked like a great opportunity, doesn’t one-time the last. This allows O’Brien to nearly catch up going to the wall. They go up, they both make the first notch…they seem to be struggling a bit…it’s going to be super close, and…Scott just beats her to the buzzer!

Don’t know why Dreschel was so hyped up on “hitting the button at the same time” and won’t dope it out. Dealing with my own irrational desires is time-consuming enough, thank you.

= Real 1: Luke Pate vs. Daisy O’Brien (3WA) =
O’Brien promptly sprung back from her recent disappointment with a fall on the Tic Toc exit (:smack::smack::smack:), but Pate exposed a potential fatal flaw when he lost the handle on I-Beam. I was really disappointed last week when the eventual winner became painfully obvious after two freaking matches; this isn’t a dramatic improvement.

Madelyn Madaras trains under Sam Sann. Make your own I-hope-she’s-as-successful-in-match-events-as-he-was joke, I’m tired.

= Real 2: James Scott vs. Madelyn Madaras =
Scott has the lead going to Tic Toc. Deep sigh…we all knows what’s going…and Madaras makes it through. Feet were a bit low, but she’s dry. On to I-Beam where…Madaras is catching up! How about that! They’re even on the bar, and Madaras dismounts first and takes the lead! Scott ties it up again at the tiles, but he has another upper-bodier to deal with. Scott again wastes time on the first basket, and Madaras is first to the second basket. Scott finally makes the transition…and makes the second transition before Madaras. Madaras is on to the third…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

Crap. She goes for the kill with a one-timer despite having way too little momentum. One leg is in the water, then the other. So a little more excitement than last week, but in the end, boys rule and girls dunk. I hate sports sometimes. :frowning:

Moving on. Kai Beckstrand is from a big ninja family! I kinda regret not counting the number of “lives on a farm” stories vs. “has a big ninja family” stories.

Okay, everyone, for future reference, I do not give a rip about anyone’s hair. Ever. Don’t even start.

= Exhibition 3: Kai Beckstrand vs. Brycen Tablit =
This one’s over at the rings, as Beckstrand makes a sweet 6th dismount (nice spread on those arms!), while Tablit struggles just to make the transition. For good measure, he one-times the last wheel and gets up the wall without needing the notch. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t seen any accusations of PED use from the YouTube morons.

= Exhibition 4: Sienna McEneaney vs. Noah Willson (3WA) =
Two waiweewuwwaweis in four matches is generally a bad sign. A much worse sign is yet another freaking girl taking a swim on Tic Toc. She had the worst form I’ve ever seen here (which is saying a lot); nearly turning her back to the net and limply stepping off the pendulum. This is the point where we start hearing conspiracy theories, folks. :mad:

Brycen Tablit has a demanding workout routine. And plays peewee league football, where’s he boasts that he’s uncatchable. Yeah…I mentioned something last week about leaving these snippets unchanged after we already seen him lose, right? :smack:

= Real 3: Noah Willson vs. Brycen Tablit =
Tablit has quicker feet but isn’t as agile on the exits, and they’re even going to the rings. Tablit has a better handle on this obstacle this time, and they’re practically mirror images on the descent and exit. No change on the tiles. On the wheels, Tablit takes one swing too many on the second wheel, allowing Willson to pass him. (Damn, this show really is trying to make Dennis The Menace a thing, isn’t it? :rolleyes:) Willson has a sizable lead on the wall, he just needs to close the deal. He has to stretch with his right hand but gets it in the notch. Tablit is in the notch. They climb…and…it’s going to be…not that close, as Willson simply takes too long to pull himself up and Tablit slaps the buzzer. Willson throws up his hands in frustration. Yeah, feelin’ for ya, kiddo.

Sienna McEneaney runs track, which does not seem to be helping her today. Yes, it would be awesome if a girl won ANWJ. And if it brings in girls who are a lot better than you, someday that might happen. :rolleyes:

Is Bodge going to blame every goddam failure on “going too fast” now? I mean, geez, if spin control is that important, say “blinded by ambition” or “too much adrenaline”. Or “side effects from the PEDs”. Hey, it’d be original.

= Real 4: Kai Beckstrand vs. Sienna McEneaney =
McEneaney needs two swings on Tic Toc, and that’s as much of a hoot as anyone needs to give about this. :frowning:

Next! Isabella Wakeham helped to rebuild after Hurricane Harvey. So did a bunch of others, but they’re not amateur athletes. She’s strong, all right?

= Exhibition 5: Isabella Wakeham vs. Max Feinberg =
Wakeham has a slight lead after two, but Feinberg handles the stairs much better…Bodge, “Don’t mess with Texas” is an anti-littering program. It has nothing to do with grit in the face of a deficit or whatever the hell you seem to think it is. You know that nowadays you can literally look up anything whatsoever by typing it into your computer, right? :smack: Anyway, no miracle, Feinberg runs away with it, yadda yadda.

And more superfluous hair nonsense with the last girl of the day. :rolleyes: This is Ann Slivken’s thing, in fact, donating her hair to charity. That’s…that’s it. That’s the whole profile. I mean, I should be thrilled that we get a short one for a change but…ah, screw it, there’s too much misery in my life right now. I’m thrilled. :slight_smile:

= Exhibition 6: Ann Slivken vs. Nathan Nix =
Nix thoroughly buzzes Slivken’s dignity with yet another feminine demolition. Oh yeah, your ego, Eyes, that’s what we should all be concerned about. :mad:

Oh yeah, “freshly aerodynamic”, Eyes, that’s really going to make a difference. :rolleyes: (Seriously, two in a row? Even for you that’s pretty damn abysmal.)

Max Feinberg gets underestimated a lot and considers himself the underdog in everything. I have a feeling that’s going to change after today.

= Real 5: Max Feinberg vs. Ann Slivken =
Slivken gets hopelessly stymied on the stairs, allowing Feinberg to get such a lopsided win that some of the fans no doubt are wondering if it should even count. Yes, folks, it counts. They all count.

Nathan Nix is from a small, small, smallllll town. Y’know, Pearl City is a pretty small place, but it doesn’t have farms and fishing holes and cow paths. It’s not a given. And geez, I hope you’re spending more time on an activity that puts food on the table and can become a career than one that’s neither.

= Real 6: Nathan Nix vs. Isabella Wakeham =
Even through two. Nix is a little better on the stairs, but just a little, it’s dead even after the tiles. Both make the first shelf transition at the same time; this one’s coming down to who can pull the trigger first. And…IT’S WAKEHAM! Nix makes a charge on the wall, but it’s not going to be enough!

It seems that we’ve seen this story countless times. Girl after girl suffers a terrible collapse, and then this one 13-14 comes up big when it counts. I don’t think for a microsecond that she’s getting the best of Feinberg in the rematch, of course, but it’s great to see that boy vs. girl isn’t a complete fait accompli. Any given Sunday! Saturday! Oh, it’s the weekend, who cares! :wink:

No Obstacle of the Day. Hmm. Guess they didn’t want to explain to all those girls exactly how they screwed up Tic Toc. I agree, that would simply be too cruel.

= 9-10 final: Luke Pate vs. James Scott =
Uuuggghhh. When I said I was tired of seeing girls screw up Tic Toc, **I didn’t freaking mean that…**haaahh. Well, this one is a brief affair, as Scott needs a second swing, and he actually does better here as Pate allows a foot to go astray on the pendulum, and down he goes. Goddammit, if you can’t keep it together for the final, when CAN you keep it together? Scott makes his second attempt count and will no doubt be utterly vaporized in the semis, but let him have his moment, all right?

= 11-12 final: Kai Beckstrand vs. Brycen Tablit =
Yeah, Bodge, getting your butt completely handed to you by the guy you’re about to race again is such an advantage. :rolleyes: (Is it swallowing their own crap for too long or just wild-eyed desperation for a plausible horse race narrative? I honestly can’t even tell anymore.) And surprise surprise, the second time turns out almost exactly the same as the first! Beckstrand even did the same 6th dismount! Beckstrand didn’t need the notch again! Tablit splashed down in the exact same place! It’s deja vu all over again one more time on repeat!

= 13-14 final: Max Feinberg vs. Isabella Wakeham =
And Bodge points out that Feinberg’s Real time was sooooo much slower than Wakehams’s. Um…maybe the fact that Slivken completely failed to push Feinberg at all and he could just walk to victory had something to do with that? Fer chrissake, I’m no stats expert, but these things are just so dang obvious. All right, we all know what’s going to happen…and, yep, Wakeham makes it interesting at the end, but Feinberg’s win is never in real doubt. Pity you only get once chance at revenge.

Group 10 winners: James Scott, Kai Beckstrand, Max Feinberg

Unexciting day all around. It seemed like there was one strong favorite (Beckstrand) and a whole bunch of interchangable cannon fodder, each of which can be counted on to go 0-2 in semis.

And Eyes helpfully informs us that this show is “taking a break for the holidays” and will be back in…February. Sheesh. It just gets better and better. Well, I got the link, so I’ll be ready to resuscitate this after it sinks into the depths. That’s all for now. Hopefully this hiatus will make sense once prelims are over. (It won’t. ;))

500

Last night was USA vs the World.

Thoughts:
(1) I liked having Australia there, but what happened to Japan? What happened to Latin America? Seems a bit weird. And what happened to Team Europe’s big guns?

(2) It seems weird for two of the teams to have two women, but one to only have one women, and not to match the women up against each other. I mean, I genuinely like that in the regular season, the women compete fairly against the men, but in a competition like this, come on.

(3) “hitting a buzzer” when there is no time limit isn’t really the same thing at all. Speaking of hitting buzzers, how has Barclay Stockett never hit a buzzer?

(4) The side-by-side rope climb is way better as a tiebreaker than as a winner-takes-all final round.
Overall, glad to see the Aussies do well (my wife is Australian), but the whole thing was a letdown.
(Oh, one other highlight was the one ridiculous save on the double dipper… bonkers!)