American Ninja Warrior

[MaxTheVool]

@The_wind_of_my_soul

Looks like Bryson Klein is the new Sean McColl. Besting one guy could be considered a lucky run. But besting every single American he’s competed against, two of which had already run the course before? Completing stage 2 25 seconds faster than Daniel Gil? Completing stage 4 faster than Drew Dreschel? I’m beyond impressed.

A lot of the European competitors looked like they could have kicked some ass if they had had more exposure to the obstacles beforehand, the way Americans do. It made it less fun to watch, as I didn’t get the impression that the American team was nearly as athletically superior as the scoreboard indicated.

There are two main problems with USA vs the World:
(1) If the non-USA athletes have zero exposure to the course before running (which is unclear… they may have a day to try out all the obstacles individually or something) then they are at an immense disadvantage, kind of rendering the whole thing pointless
(2) The scoring is just ridiculous. So for the first stage, you get 0,1,2 points for finishing 3rd, 2nd, 1st. Then for the second stage they increase the scores to…, 1, 2, 3. THAT’S THE SAME!!! FFS!
(2a) Also, why do we want three runs each on stage 1, then 2 on stage 2, then only one on stage 3. Stage 3 is the one we have seen the least of in the regular season to begin with. Show us MORE of it!
(2b) And “top two advance to stage 4 no matter what” is just idiotic. Not that I really care who “won”, but USA losing to Australia despite beating them in 5 out of 7 races on the day is just insane. If you really want things to always end on stage 4, then give a handicap to whichever team was trailing… one second of time per point (or something like that).

Really disappointing, imho.

[DKW]

All righty, time for another round of gratuitous nativism! One year ago our squad had no trouble dispatching the combined forces of Europe and Australia, so what the heck, they’re coming back for another go! Yeah, we’re having whiplash as it is trying to follow all these rule changes and paradigm shifts; no sense making things any harder than they have to be with inconvenient non-English speakers! (Given our current political climate, that might actually be a smart move, so I’ll spare you the rolleyes.)

Of course, keeping the contest fresh is all about making adjustments, and so we have a revamped scoring system. Last year’s 2-1-0 had a serious flaw; without a potential for a big comeback, it allowed a team to be mathematically bounced well before the end of the contest. Granted, Europe was a lost cause regardless, but having no reason to play two-thirds of the way in was a bad look. So now they’re going with something slightly more goldensnitchious (bronzesnitchious?): 2 points for Stage 1, 3 points for Stage 2, and 5 points for Stage 3. Runners-up get consolation points; exact amount TBD.

The contest begins, and…call me crazy, but it honestly looks like 1. the chants are being drastically scaled back, and 2. Eyes and Bodge are going to try not to be utterly obnoxious. Could this, of all things, be on the road to respectability again? Fingers crossed!

= ROUND 1 =
Stage 1 obstacles: Archer Alley, Spin Your Wheels, Double Dipper, Jumping Spider, Tire Run, Warped Wall, Diving Boards, Twist And Fly

Profile of Australia’s Olivia Vivian. You may recall that her only run last year was a humiliating Stage 2 no-result. Fortunately, she was able to recover from that devastating blow to get past “semifinals” in that year’s Australian Ninja Warrior. (She went over six minutes, so don’t break your arms applauding her or anything.)

She hits the course, and…oh. Geez. Goddammit. :smack: You know what she is? You want to know what she really, truly, honestly, wholeheartedly is? A dragger. From start to finish she preens and poses and smiles and waves and gaaaaahhh. It will come as no surprise that “semifinals” is their version of siffies, and you can bet she makes full use of all that precious infinite time she’s given. Finish in 2:56.26, and of course it’s all smiles and joy and laughter and pretending that one of the other two much faster competitors is not going to blow that lackluster time to bits.

Profile of Thomas Huebner, the first true Frenchman we’ve had in this contest. He’s a Cirque Du Soleil performer. And a damn good one. Quick cut to a couple of performers dressed as zebras, but they’re unarmed, so Bodge doesn’t have a freakout. On to the run. Heubner sets a good pace. He knows the psychological importance of getting on the board, so he wants to put as much pressure as he can on Torres. A tiny bit squirrelly on Spin Your Wheels but stays clean. And just like that…doom. At the end of Jumping Spider, his right foot slips off and the rest of him follows. It looked like he just plain got sloppy. Damning.

Quick break to show Vivian, with apparently nothing better to do, conducting Australian chants, followed by the usual American morons doing the usual chant, and it says something that NBC is as sick of this mindless droning repetition as I am and still needs to show moments like this. It looks like I’m still going to have to do our team’s runs on mute if I want to keep my sanity, so I’m just going to expediently zip past them and try not to miss too much.

The door’s been left wide open for Michael Torres, [fast forward] who [fast forward fast forward] finishes in 1:31.20, over a minute faster than Vivian’s time. Wow, putting women against men is a great idea we should do as much as possible, am I right? :smack:

Good guys up 2-1 over kangarooland.

= ROUND 2 =
Steffi Noppinger is Swedish, female, and a competitive skier. I have reservations about swimmers being in this event for obvious reasons, and a sport where you’re constantly sliding isn’t much of an improvement. She was inspired by…who else?..Jessie Graff. Yeah, funny how you never hear about Kacy Catanazaro or Alyssa Beird or Jessica Clayton bringing international jocks into the sport. Okay, here she goes…and she looks back at the end of Archer Alley? Why? On to Spin Your Wheels…where she whiffs on the transition and plunges straight down. I’d put a shocked smiley here, but I’ve seen this so many “inspired” contestants suffer these wipeouts at this point that I can barely feel anything.

Adam Rayl considers being chosen for this event “the highest honor” of his athletic career, and just how pitiful was…ended at age 12, yeah, I see it. He does a pretty handspring coming out of Double Dipper and an impressive one-timer on the first spinner of Twist And Fly (I didn’t think anyone would ever do that!), and in general picks up right where he left off in season 11. Finishes with a confident, stumble-free 1:52.50; beatable, but it’s going to be tough.

Time for Australia’s Josh O’Sullivan, and whaddya know, it’s an Acceptable Story. He was reduced to a vegetative state after a horrific MMA training accident…and…came back from it. Light on details, but we do learn that Australian Ninja Warrior has a “Heat 6” and “Grand Final 1”. I need to find out more someday. Starts out energetic and is keeping good pace with Rayl’s time…and then fatigue starts to set in. Uh oh. It becomes academic when his feet go astray on Diving Boards and he splashes down.

Status quo holds and the lead is now 2.

= ROUND 3 =
Kesu Ahmed is our first ever Romanian contestant, and I am struggling very hard to think of a reason that’s a big deal. He’s also a rapper, and insipid overrated poetry recitation does not sound any better in a foreign language. He hits the course and…oh, crap. He sticks his tongue out at the start of Double Dipper. And proceeds to hideously flub the transition and plunge straight in. Man, these Europeans have really learned from last year’s humiliation, haven’t they? :rolleyes:

And of course there are going to be waiweewuwwaweis, don’t be silly! :mad: The first victim is Cam D’Silva of Australia, who struggles mightily on Spin Your Wheels before bouncing off the landing platform and going down.

Now it’s time for Jesse Labreck, the heroine of Ninja vs. Ninja, but screw that because we’re going to obsess over her failing Stage 1 three times in a row! :smack: We see the mark, Spin your Wheels in 17.66, and it just looks so pathetic when it’s right there on the screen. Of course she has no trouble with Double Dipper, so we can focus completely on her quest to exorcise the demons which she does and it’s a beautiful triumph free at last baaaaack and you do realize this is an unofficial clear, much like the one she got on Stage 2 last year, right, guys?? :rolleyes:

Lead is now 4 over the Aussies and 5 over the Continentals, and not one of them has been even remotely in contention. The second event seems like a century ago.

= ROUND 4 =
Stage 2 obstacles: Giant Walk The Plank, Extension Ladder, Snap Back, Swing Surfer, Grim Sweeper, Water Walls

And the scoring is going to be 3-2-1. Which is exactly the same as 2-1-0. Jeeziz, if you’re going to have a bronze snitch, have a goddam bronze snitch. This contest can be so stupid sometimes.

First up is Daniel Gil, who needs no introduction. Just another day at the office, finishing in 2:24.47.

Anton Fomenko is a Russian acrobat who’s been spending the past several months travelling America, and I was around for the height of Reaganist paranoia, and it still feels strange to type those words. He’s right on Extension Ladder, and right off it almost immediately after.

Aussie Daniel Mason is always barefoot, hence “Barefoot Ninja”, and no doubt Jamie Rahn is breathing a sigh of relief. He can’t quite figure out the tricky Snap Back but still gets further than Fomenko, and Europe eats yet another generous helping of crow.

= ROUND 5 =
Aussie Bryson Klein is into mountain motorcycling. Cool. I guess. Looks energetic on the course and finishes in 2:02.39. If we’re ever going to get the feeling that anything leading up to the dumb one-and-done rope climb is going to have even the semblance of a contest, it’s going to be here.

Damir Okanovic is from Bosnia, which, as you undoubtedly know, has an…unpleasant history. Wow, he looks strong in the early going! He looks fast! He looks focused! He’s in it to win it! You know how this ends, of course: He completely screws up the jump to the Swing Surfer pendulum and falls off. He went out on freaking Swing Surfer. That’s how hideous it’s been for the Continentals tonight.

Karsten Williams steps up. He’s our weakest team member, and with such a commanding lead, I doubt there’s much urgency for him to outrun Klein. He should be content to just keep his feet dry and further extinguish Europe’s hopes. And in this regard, he succeeds, taking a hard hit on the Swing Surfer wall but hanging on. Botching the dismount on Grim Sweeper ices his 2nd place position, the first round tonight we didn’t win.

So we’re now 4 points up on boomerang country and 8 on the grand coalition, and taking a look at Stage 3 scoring…uh huh, yep, yeah. It’s 5-3-1 (which blah blah 4-2-0), meaning that…uh huh, yeah, sure. They forgot to mention that there’s only one round, meaning that Europe advances only if they win and Australia finishes last. Enjoy your meaningless exhibition, everyone! :rolleyes:

= ROUND 6 =
Stage 3 obstacle: Grip And Tip, Iron Summit, Crazy Clocks, Ultimate Cliffhanger, Pipe Dream, Cane Lane, Flying Bar

Norway’s Magnus Mitbo laments that there is no Norwegian Ninja Warrior, so he consoles himself with a YouTube channel, which, naturally, has lots and lots and lots of hits. He has tremendous upper body strength but not so much speed, and it’s a struggle through four before Pipe Dream gives him the boot.

On to waiweewuwwawei #2, and hot dang, if it isn’t the exact same team! :mad: This… this is… good Yukari… :smack: Matt Tsang goes out in the same place as Mitbo but with a slower time, which means that this one, against all odds, is going the distance. It’s kind of like how no matter how depressingly predictable the NFL gets, you still know what all 12 playoff teams are going to be until they play the full season.

Recent millionaire Drew Dreschel steps up, and whaddya know, the man who conquered the entire course last year…is struggling on Pipe Dream? But he’s a trooper, so he gets through it…and he’s in a lot of pain. Oh, CRAP. Don’t freaking hurt yourself for this, champ. You know how many heartbreaking injuries we’ve had the past two seasons alone? You see what happened to Travis Rosen? You won. You did your part. Just end it, now. But of course nothing sensible can ever happen on ANW, so he has to finish the course and soooooo inspirational <BARF>.

Final result for Europe: 5 dead lasts, 1 second. It’s honestly almost as bad as Japan now. You’re nothing without Sean McColl, you hear me? Nothing.

Back from commercial, and oh look, sun’s up. It’s bad enough that these stupid events have fascist rally-level chants, next to zero competitive drama, and plenty of physical pain, they can’t even finish in a goddam timely manner anymore. We have a development: Drew Dreschel messed up his hand (what, really, no way, get out) and can’t compete. Adam Rayl has stepped in. Opponent is Bryson Klein, who’s carrying the bitter stigma of how Drew Dreschel completely obliterated Ashlin Herbert last year. He’s spent a lot of time climbing in the meantime, intent on taking the reins should he get the chance. “I’ve waited a whole year to climb the rope and I’m getting to the top of the tower tonight.”

*** THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IN THIS STUPID CONTEST ***
And they’re off! And…

Oh, geez, maybe you really do need a specialist for this. Rayl has a slim lead at a start. But Klein pulls ahead. And pulls further ahead. And pulls yet further ahead. And keeps pulling ahead. Rayl can’t keep up at all! And then fatigue sets in, and it’s over. Klein wins in an absolute blowout. The replay shows that…oh, come the freak on, WHY do our guys keep doing this?? Rayl didn’t use his legs. He tried to beat Australia’s strongest member, and definitely the best rope climber, with just his arms. That’s just…anyone should not to do that by now.

Australia has its first trophy. Looks like this is a tight, competitive contest after all! :rolleyes:

You can lay this failure on the shoulders of one man: Drew Dreschel. Leaving aside the incredible hubris of refusing to quit stage 3 after it was clear he was hurting, when he KNEW his team would need him in the rope climb, taking the very last run of the day was mind-bogglingly boneheaded. You’re going to spend your energy with the single most draining task in all of ANW coming right up? If you wanted a warmup, you could’ve done any of the Stage 1 runs.

Look, the rope climb is here to stay. It’s a ridiculous injustice, but it provides exciting finishes, so NBC is keeping it. You cannot win USA vs. The World without a strong rope climber. That is the harsh reality. It doesn’t matter how many pointless, meaningless runs you win up to that point. So keep your strongest rope climber healthy! That’s what you need to do! That’s ALL you need to do!

Hmph.

[EllisDee]

Exactly right, it’s pretty darn stupid. The entire contest boils down to:

1. Be just good enough to not be dead last going into the rope climb.
2. Win the rope climb.

Nothing else is relevant. USA vs The World has devolved into a rope climbing contest, and that’s boring and lame.

[The_wind_of_my_soul]

@DKW

She was inspired by…who else?..Jessie Graff. Yeah, funny how you never hear about Kacy Catanazaro or Alyssa Beird or Jessica Clayton bringing international jocks into the sport.

Didn’t Olivia Vivian say in her profile that she was inspired by Kacy Catanzaro?

[DKW]

As of right now we’re a few hours from the debut of season 2 of American Ninja Warrior Junior on Universal Kids. As it so happens, there’s already an upload of the full episode on YouTube. Of course, I’m not going to spoil anything for those of you who for whatever reason prefer to see it on TV, but this does give me the opportunity to give a bit of a preview. So…

Age groups are still 9-10, 11-12, and 13-14, and each will run on the same course for the duration of the contest. The powers that be still haven’t figured out a way to guarantee two matches for everyone without this “placement/knockout” nonsense, so we’re stuck with the grossly unfair system where loss-win is perfectly fine and win-loss is doom.

As for the playoff structure, in an attempt at better pacing and more fairness, it’s been revamped. (Presumably there will be no inexplicable two month layoff either.)

• There are a total of 48 contestants per age group, split into four blocks of 12. (I’ll refer to these as “Block A”, “Block B”, “Block C”, and “Block D”. I get creative when I feel like it, dammit. :))
• For first 3 days, 4 contestants in the 1st block compete, with the winners of each day advancing to the playoffs.
• The best finish time of each non-winner is recorded. At the end of 3 days, the top two times advance to the wild card match. (It’s theoretically possible to get a top two spot without finishing the course, in the same sense that it’s theoretically possible to listen to the judges on The Masked Singer without wanting to take a sledgehammer to their skulls.) The winner of that match advances to the playoffs. It is not necessary to win either the exhibition or real match to qualify for the wild card match; only times matters.
• Day 4 is playoffs. The 3 prelim winners and wild card compete single-elimination to determine a finallist in each age group. (I’m pretty sure this will include the wild card matches…per usual, you’ll learn when I learn.)
• Days 5-8, 9-12, and 13-16 follow the same pattern as 1-4, all leading up to the climactic day 17 where the 4 finallists in each age group battle for the championship.

The second, and fourth obstacles are the same for all contestants:
2. Little Dipper - An easier version of Double Dipper, this is a horizontal sliding bar balanced on two curved steel rails; at the end the contestant must leap to a net.
4. Block Run - Six large blocks mounted at various orientations on a large bar. The first, third, and fifth blocks spin; the others are fixed.

The age-specific tasks:
9-10

1. Shrinking Steps - Five mounted steps, tapered off at the top, that ascend and go from largest to smallest, followed by a jump to a rope swing.
2. Spider Walls - Essentially the same as Jumping Spider except it’s straight across and there’s no trampoline jump.
3. Flying Squirrel - A jump from a pair of unattached rotating bars to another pair, then the finish; the gaps are smaller than the normal contest and there’s no net at the end.

11-12

1. Shrinking Steps - Same as for 9-10
2. Double Tilt Ladders - Two horizontal ladders which pivot in the middle; the first with seven evenly-spaced rungs, the second with three in the front, two slightly past the center, and two at the end.
3. Wing Nuts - The familiar horizontal-swinging test; 3 nuts in all.

13-14

1. Floating Steps - Five sharply angled small platforms going left-right-left-right-left.
2. Crazy Cliffhanger - Four Cliffhanger-style handholds separated by small gaps.
3. Sky Hooks - Another scaled-down version of a grownup obstacle; this requires jumping a ring from one hook to another, switching to a second ring, jumping it to another hook, leaping without the ring to a third ring, then jumping to the landing area.

The 6th is once again 13’ Warped Wall with two open notches for 9-10, one for 11-12, and none for 13-14.

Note: At this point I’m well aware of how reality TV operates and why it puts out what it puts out, and I know that certain things are simply never going to change, so I’m going to try to keep an open mind about the continuous flood of irritating blabbage I’m going to be subject to. However, I absolutely MUST mute the runs, as the BS that pours out during this time is reaching the level of suffocation. Seriously, if I ever have to hear “paralysis by overanalysis” or “Mister Wilson” again, it’ll be too soon. In fact, I’ve decided that I’m pretty much going to have to completely ignore Eyes and Bodge entirely if I’m going to avoid yet another top-down grumblefest, and I extremely desperately want to avoid yet another top-down grumblefest. If this means you miss out on some funny angles, I apologize in advance. Unfortunately necessary sacrifice.

[DKW]

“We’re not just kids.” “We’re not just teenagers.” True. You’re well-behaved, well-mannered, humble, compassionate, hard-working, and courageous, which puts you ahead of roughly 99.999% of your particular demographic. I work in public housing, and some of the stuff that happens is about two steps above Lord of the Flies. Seriously, shows like this are pretty much the only way I know that very good, really nice children exist at all. (Masterchef Junior is another good choice. I always like that one.)

“To be the best version of ourselves…” … You need proper nutrition? You need to shell out $4.99 for the coin doubler? What??

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK A PRELIMS, DAY 1

Quick overview of the event structure. It took me a while to hash it all out, which is why I’m glad to have the YouTube upload in advance. In a nutshell, it’s three honest qualifiers and one backdoor passer per block, each block to play out over four days. They’re still using the weaselicious term “runner-up”, but this time it makes all the difference who the first runner-up and second runner-up are (although we won’t actually KNOW who these personages are until all three days of prelims have been played to completion, so it’s still nonsensical to put them on the bracket screen, but that’s another issue). With fewer contestants this time around, the hope is definitely there for better competition and closer finishes, not to mention fewer than 20 freaking girls hideously bungling the second obstacle.

Laurie Hernandez is unavailable this season due to preparations for the upcoming Olympics (Hern is a jock? Why didn’t anyone ever mention that before?), so we welcome the newest member of the Ninjunity, Paralympics gold medallist Victoria Arlen. She kicks things off by claiming that the 9-10 course has “stepped up the level of difficulty”. Not sure what kind of difference that makes in a head-to-head contest where finishing is not required, but she’s just workin’ with what she got, I guess. Of course, with the new wildcards, finishing matters, so expect to see more second efforts and gut checks from kids who previously would have cut their losses. Not a lot more, but more.

We take a look at newcomer Bradi Brownfield, the “Bunny Whisperer”. She suffered a knee injury competing in gymnastics at age 8, which left her bedridden for 3 months, the memory of which still makes her angry. She got into bunny raising to give her something to do with her hands, and also because she’s not a dog person. Her words, not mine. It worked so well that she’s now helping others with animal therapy. Eyes: “Such great endeavors these junior ninjas accomplish.” Well, yeah, I can see that, but you seem to be implying that ninja-ing somehow inspires acts of goodness, and…well, two words: Eric Middleton. You’re hand-picking the best of the best. This is absolutely the right thing to do, but own up to it. “This is the level of goodness we require from our junior ninjas. If you can’t measure up, don’t bother.” is a perfectly acceptable position.

= Exhibition 1: Adil Mbondo vs. Bradi Brownfield =
Brownfield is a little faster up the Shrinking Steps but hesitates at the start of Little Dipper, but then Mbondo gets a little too high on the dismount. Brownfield pulls slightly ahead on Spider Walls but takes a hair longer to dismount, and I can’t remember when any ANW opening match was this good! Brownfield maintains a slight lead through Block Run. She’s struggles with the first transition on Flying Squirrel, but Mbondo is also flagging and can’t capitalize. Brownfield dismounts first! Just one obstacle separates her from victory…she stumbles on the runup to the wall! Somehow she still gets to the first notch, but Mbondo is right there! Brownfield is still a tick ahead…until her left hand slips off the top of the ramp! And of course the show has to choose THIS EXACT FRICKING TIME to cut to the worthless bloviating waste of oxygen announcers, so we don’t even get to see the contestants going over the wall. :mad::mad::mad::mad: Unbelievable…the first goddam match of the competition pulls this steaming bullcrap. Mbondo completes the upset.

Shot of the mentors Barclay Stockett, Grant McCartney, and Drew Dreschel. All right, I’m giving them today to impress me, and only because I think I might need some gap-filler now that I’m muting the runs.

Bars, to Makena Cook: “Also speed up in between your obstacles; try to get from the end of one obstacle to the beginning… <snaps fingers> like that, okay? You’re ready to go; you don’t need anything.” Steeeerike one! :smack:

Eyes informs us that Cook is our first returnee. Lessee…ANWJ1 record…0-2. Yeah, that’s totally something you want to draw attention to. :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 2: Makena Cook vs. Neil Sekhri =
Short and sweet as Sekhri whiffs on the Little Dipper net and plunges straight in. Bars is right there to tell him exactly what he did wrong in front of everybody, which is a double-edged sword if I’ve ever seen one. Cook, apparently wanting some insurance, soldiers on all the way to the buzzer.

Arr does the usual boilerplate postmatch with her, whereupon we learn that she is happy to get her first buzzer, thanks for asking. :rolleyes:

= Real 1: Neil Sekhri vs. Adil Mbondo (3WA) =
A waiweewuwwawei this early? Oh dear, Sekhri is one of those reality show contestants, isn’t he? Sure enough, he went out in the exact same spot. Yeah, makes a ton of sense to give a nickname to someone who’ll be on for half a minute and then disappear forever, huh? :rolleyes: He’s not even worth giving one of my even-dumber replacement nicknames. (But if he was, it would be “Splashri”. :D)

Quick look at Makena Cook, where we learn that she’s been 1. training really, really hard and 2. sticking her tongue out at the camera in an effort to channel some of Michelle Warnky’s strength, which really is not anywhere near as effective as they seem to think it is.

= Real 2: Bradi Brownfield vs. Makena Cook =
Brownfield gets a slightly better dismount on Little Dipper, and that’s all the good news there’d be for her as she loses everything on Spider Walls and splashes. Another buzzer gets mercilessly compressed by the overjoyed Cook.

Our first look at the 9-10 wildcard leaderboard, showing the best non-winner times, and it’s just so sad how they pretend that Sekhri isn’t going to be a complete footnote to this event, it really is.

Profile of Lucas Cvitanich, who’s a huge mythology buff and bookworm. And is both in excellent health and good spirits, which would seem to indicate that he does not get regularly beaten up at school. I really should make a thread on how much our school systems and attitudes toward bullying have changed since I was a student. One of these days.

= Exhibition 3: Harry Robinson vs. Lucas Cvitanich =
Virtual mirrors through two. Robinson has better form on Double Tilt Ladders and makes a pretty dismount from the middle two rungs, while Cvitanich has to go on the end. Robinson hesitates a bit at the start of Block Run but gets through at a brisk pace, but then gets hung up at the start of Wing Nuts. Cvitanich gets through the blocks without a hitch, and all of a sudden they’re even again. But when Cvitanich needs to spend time building up momentum, Robinson pulls ahead, this time for good. Easy run to the notch, up, over, ballgame.

Taylor Greene was one of two girls, the other being Ella McRitchie, who made the final day last year, which means that she won some actual freaking money, something not a single woman ever has been able to claim. What was especially impressive was that while McRitchie only took out largely hapless girls, four of Greene’s five wins were against boys. This made her an unlikely rising star within the ANW community, and she’s become a big, big inspiration to other young girls. I am not exaggerating when I say we could be looking at a successor to Jesse Labreck; she is that big.

Well, if she does finish in the money again, the first thing should buy is a face shot that doesn’t look like a freaking Halloween poster. Good Yukari, that thing is ugly. Quality, not quantity, dangit!

(Can someone tell me how a 1-year-old can do gymnastics? I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I look it up.)

= Exhibition 4: Taylor Greene vs. Raeya Linton =
Greene proves she’s no fluke as she methodically grinds her good-but-not-as-good-as-me foe into the dust. Linton makes a brief surge on the second ladder, but that’s as close as she’d ever get.

On to the obstacle-of-the-day segment, hosted by McCartney. He’s on Wing Nuts…and…holy cow, that’s actually pretty sound advice! He even shows us how to do it! This is, without a doubt, the farthest from “completely useless” this part of the show has ever been!

Profile of Harry Robinson, who’s an apprentice blacksmith, which gives the profile maker the opportunity to show us plenty of shots of red-hot metal and flying sparks. This is admittedly much cooler than the usual pablum about veganism or annoying brothers, so I give it a thumbs-up. The only thing I found amiss was his claim that convincing his parents “was not as hard as you think it was”. Um…really? “I would like to learn a useful trade skill which I can eventually make a good, honest living at and ensure that I will not be a burden on you or society in my adult years. It will teach me the value of hard work and being of use to others, and it will consume enough of my time and energy that I will have none to waste on video games, television, comic books, Twitter, vandalism, gang activity, etc.” I think that would be a very easy sell for most parents.

= Real 3: Raeya Linton vs. Harry Robinson =
Linton (who has seriously ripped arms, I just noticed) makes a strong move on the ladders and gets a nice dismount from the middle rungs. No change at the blocks, and Linton is first to Wing Nuts. But she takes just a bit too long to make the first transition, and Robinson, although he hasn’t been blazingly fast, has enough form to dismount first. Loses a bit going up the wall but is still the first to the buzzer. Dang, Linton looked really good today and just got outperformed both times. Sports can be cruel sometimes.

Shot of the 11-12 wildcard leaderboard. I don’t know why they even bother to count minutes.

= Real 4: Lucas Cvitanich vs. Taylor Greene (3WA) =
Greene made a powerful dismount from the front of the second ladder, and that’s as far as the production crew was willing to give a rip about Cvitanich’s prospects. It honestly looks like the producers are holding back so they can really hype up Greene later…I’ve seen this exact pattern of behavior regarding the main contest’s favorites in the past.

Straight to 13-14…and…the heck is going on? Why is this show pushing things along so quickly? None of contestants so far has eaten up a ton of time, the matches are proceeding at a brisk pace, there hasn’t been a ton of time burned on any one profile, the interviews and instructional segment have been quick and to the point, the intro certainly wasn’t that long, and we’ve had two waiweewuwwaweis on top of that…and we’re still pressed for time? Is 15 matches simply too much for one hour? Opinions appreciated.

The first match features two names that should be familiar to first season watchers, Jonathan Godbout and Cal Plohoros. The former made it all the way to the final day before taking home 3rd place, while the latter made it to quarters. They competed in the same prelim, too, so there’s a bit of shared destiny as well (at least that’s what the matchmaker seemed to think). Godbout, you’ll remember, came really close to completing the ultimate comeback after losing the exhibition, losing a close one to Vance Walker in the championship match. Now, at 14, he knows this is absolutely his last chance, so expect him to have a ferocious sense of urgency and come out firing.

= Exhibition 5: Jonathan Godbout vs. Cal Plohoros =
Plohoros hesitates at the start of Little Dipper and gets a lot of air on the dismount; Godbout has better form and takes a sizable lead on Crazy Cliffhanger. No change on Block Run. Godbout is the first on Sky Hooks…and that’s where his run dies, as he simply takes much too long to get going. Plohoros is smooth and efficient through all three rings, and the wall is no object after that.

Oh my. Eyes informs Godbout that “This is just the seeding round!”…a lead-pipe cinch that he is in serious trouble. Unless he can figure out Sky Hooks quickly, his swan song could become one-note.

Arr helpfully reminds Plohoros that he’s a lot smaller than the guy he just beat…geez…three words: Jon Alexis Junior. Plohoros answers as best as a 13-year-old boy who still has fricking work to do can. :smack:

And here’s Dreschel! He really does not want Godbout to go two-and-out and gives him a pep talk in hopes of instilling some kind of fighting chance for the real. “If you go out there a little more relaxed than [the talent?], I think everything will smooooth out and flow better. It’s like you got in your head a little. Easy, son.” Eh…I’ve heard stupider advice. <deep, deep, deep, deep sigh> All right, all right, I give the mentors a goddam passing mark for today. Don’t blow it, you hear me?

Next up are Rose Lord and Olivia Kosanovich. Lord had a nice run to the playoffs in the first contest even though she never had a realistic shot of going any further; it’ll be interesting to see how she does in the stronger age group. Eyes mentions that Kosanovich had “terrible joint pain”, which I’m certain we’ll learn all about before the real.

= Exhibition 6: Olivia Kosanovich vs. Rose Lord =
Lord has a slim lead through Shrinking Steps and gets through Little Dipper first, but Kosanovich lands on her feet and closes the gap going to Crazy Cliffhanger. She powers through faster and is nearly across the blocks by the time Lord begins, but falls at the end! She lands safely on the landing area, though, and after Lord drops to her knees in the same place, it’s dead even going to the rings. They’re both making sure jumps, avoiding mistakes…it’s hard to say who has the advantage…and…they dismount at the same time! Ootd…no. Lord pauses at the start of the runup, while Kosanovich takes off right away, and her faster legs take care of the rest. It looked like Lord had (mostly) better form and simply lost out on physical ability. That’s always a tough loss to take.

Y’know, I kinda wish Eyes would use arthritic pain as a cheap excuse for spewing out so much crap on a weekly basis. Damned if I can think of anything better.

= Real 5: Rose Lord vs. Cal Plohoros (3WA) =
Yep, definitely need another half hour. Plohoros took the lead for good at Crazy Cliffhanger. Lord splashed down at Sky Hooks, denying her even the fantasy of wildcard contention. Tough, tough way to go after how she shined last year.

And here it is, profile for Kosanovich. She was once a multi-sport jock before coming down with juvenile idiopathic arthritis at the age of 8, and damn, it’s harsh for a kid to have to learn how to pronounce that, much less live with it. Long story short, she has pain in her ankles, knees, hips, and lower back. As someone who’s had to deal with pain in those areas without a degenerative medical condition, I can only imagine how agonizing that must be. Now she can only do low-impact exercises, which, I can attest from my ill-fated and most definitely last attempt at squeezing any enjoyment out of Pump It Up, are a good idea at any age.

= Real 6: Jonathan Godbout vs. Olivia Kosanovich =
Godbout once again demonstrates superior footspeed and gets to the hangbars first. Kosanovich (whose aptitude on upper-body obstacle is much easier to understand after the profile) narrows the gap, but Godbout surges across the blocks, and Kosanovich, despite staying on her feet, can’t quite keep up. Now it’s make or break time for Godbout; if he can keep it close on Sky Hooks, he should get up the wall first easily. He’s on the second hook by the time Kosanovich mounts. They’re both struggling now. Godbout slowly works his way across. He’s on the last ring but has a lot of sideways movement. Kosanovich still isn’t moving. Godbout makes a big correction and straightens out. He dismounts…and Kosanovich falls! Man, all the credit to Godbout for running hard and never giving up, but that has to be a withering loss for today’s Acceptable Story, who looked like she had a really good chance.

This is how you want your first set of finals to go: A couple of there-can-be-only-one showdowns between hard-charging contenders who won both their earlier matches, followed by an emotional revenge match between a second-year fireball and a veteran at the end of the road. Should be as good as it sounds. Let’s go.

= 9-10 final: Makena Cook vs. Adil Mbondo =
Cook is slightly ahead after one…and well ahead after two as Mbondo gets too horizontal on the dismount. Mbondo narrows the gap on the walls but falls coming out. Cook gets tripped up coming out of the blocks, and Mbondo makes it tight again. They’re on the free bars. Cook was only slightly ahead…and her ambitions come to an end as she simply takes too many swings on both the first and second pair. Mbondo pulls the trigger, and despite being slow up the notches, hits the buzzer in plenty of time.

Back to the 9-10 wildcard leaderboard, and Neil Sekhri is officially the first contestant eliminated from the playoffs. Congratulations on this momentous milestone! (I feel I should be doing that UrinatingTree blood-on-the-logo thing.)

Grant McCartney gives a friendly reminder of the wild cards before the 11-12’s step up.

= 11-12 final: Harry Robinson vs. Taylor Greene =
It’s a tight one at the start with Green having a razor-thin edge. Both manage front end dismounts from the second ladder. Greene is first through the blocks but falls at the end and can’t pull away. It all comes down to…Oh. Wow. Greene gets on the first nut, reaches over to the second, gets her hands set, reaches again to the third, and is off to the races. A bad stumble at the end by Robinson which puts his right foot in the water is the final straw.

Ooh, nice spin control, Eyes! I might buy that that 51.49 was from the run he just finished IF I WAS GODDAM BLIND YOU UNBELIEVABLE FREAKING TOOL :smack::smack::smack: stay positive, stay positive…

= 13-14 final: Jonathan Godbout vs. Cal Plohoros =
Even through one…and Plohoros gets slightly hung up at the start of Little Dipper, giving Godbout the lead! How many breaks is he going to get in one lifetime?? No change at the hangbars or the blocks, and Godbout has a healthy lead going to the rings. All right, champ, it’s do or die now, have you found the way? He goes for the first transition immediately…and makes it! Plohoros makes a quick first transition! And…makes the second…and it’s a one-timer on the third. And that will bloody well do it. Godbout stretches his footspeed advantage to the breaking point, but it’s just…not…enough. Plohoros wins by a double neck, and Godbout, who had so much confidence going in today, sees his American Ninja Warrior Junior ambitions now hanging by a thread.

A1 qualifiers: Adil Mbondo, Taylor Greene, Cal Plohoros

Mbondo narrowly outlasted two tough challengers, but in the other two age groups experience won the day. Greene and Plohoros showed plenty of mental toughness in their wins, and I mentioned how often that was the difference-maker in the first contest. I’m intrigued to see if this holds up. We could see a new avenue for young athletic stars to emerge. That’d be plenty cool!

[DKW]

Day 1 was really good, so let’s see if today’s action can keep up that positive vibe! All right, what do we have for an intro…“school”. Assuming that the intro has jack squat to do with the actual competition, which is usually the case, I have high hopes!

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK A PRELIMS, DAY 2

We begin with…“fantasy leaderboard”?? The hell is this? I assume it’s some contestant-guessing thing, given that there’s currently a five-way tie for fourth (oh yeah, definite :rolleyes:), but other than that I don’t have a clue. Eyes doesn’t seem interested in explaining. Damn, the AAF left a painful legacy.

Another rundown of the playoff structure for those of you who missed it the first time. It’s a wee bit counterintuitive with the separate blocks, so I don’t mind the refresher. Woman-on-the-ground Victoria Arlen gives a rundown of the obstacles. Najee Richardson gives some advice about “downward pressure” and “weight on the core” to the first pair of contestants.

Bo Durr’s father is in…the Army, from the looks of it…and has to move whenever the government tells him to. Bo has already lived on five bases so far, so he’s never been able to build lasting friendships. On the plus side, he gets to see lots of cool military hardware. Bo, take it from someone who’s been there…“normal” childhood sucks beyond belief. Just enjoy what you have and worry about making friends when you need to get a job.

= Exhibition 1: Bo Durr vs. Shae McCarl =
It looks like McCarl jumps the gun (I had to unmute the start to be sure), but no, Durr is just slow off the blocks. And is really slow on Shrinking Steps…damn, don’t remember when I’ve seen anyone so tentative on the first obstacle. No change on Little Dipper. McCarl isn’t a speed demon, but she’s smooth through Spider Walls and Block Run, and Durr is running out of obstacles. On Flying Squirrel, McCarl takes a long time to make the first transition, but the second is no problem. It’s all over but the shouting, and by “shouting” I mean Durr passively falling off the first pair of bars. Man, that Army gym did not help at all.

Quick shot of today’s mentors, Najee Richardson, Jessie Graff, and Meagan Martin. Oh, they’re rotating? Guess since their advice is merely obvious now, as opposed to brain-dead, they need to spread the burden around.

Lindsey Zimmerman trains with her mom…wait, who was that again? The crazy one? The overbearing one? The underachiever? The nagger? All these third-tier female ANW contestants are starting to run together for me.

= Exhibition 2: Logan Millard vs. Lindsey Zimmerman =
Zimmerman quickly leaves her hapless foe in the dust and is on cruise control all the way to the second bar pair, where her left hand briefly slips off. Fortunately she’s able to recover, and even more fortunately Millard is so slow that he still hasn’t started Flying Squirrel by the time she’s dismounted.

Was there some “make the girls look good” directive this season? It looks for all the world that Universal Kids (hereafter known as “UK” because I get the feeling I’m going to be using it a lot) actively sought the two most lethargic boys in the whole field for today’s 9-10. Barring an epic collapse…and I know it’s still early, but this doesn’t look like a season for epic collapses…McCarl and Zimmerman should win their reals easily, followed by Zimmerman leaving no doubt in the final. I didn’t like it last season when you knew the two boys were drubbing the two girls, and I can’t say this is an improvement.

= Real 1: Bo Durr vs. Lindsey Zimmerman (3WA) =
Good Meiko, even for a 3WA this was pitiful. Zimmerman once again trotted to the lead as Durr looked half-asleep out there. Then Zimmerman got stupid. At the end of Flying Squirrel…which, I remind you, is a fixed horizontal bar from which the contestant must do one very freaking simple lache to landing area…she FRICKING GODDAM RUSHED IT. Her right foot got wet, followed quickly by the rest of her lower body. She did manage to luck out when Durr fell off the second bar pair, giving her the win on speed, but it was about as convincing as that “Intelligent Design” crap. My only consolation is that we only have to wait two more weeks to see her get creamed. Sheesh.

More “fantasy leaderboard” nonsense, and henceforth I will not waste any more keystrokes on this until someone at UK does their damn duty.

Shae McCarl is a nature person who touts an active lifestyle. Thanks for shar…and right in the middle of the profile is some “Who do you think will win” voting thingummy at the bottom of the screen. Damn you to hell, AAF!

= Real 2: Shae McCarl vs. Logan Millard =
McCarl gets to work and quietly wins it running away. Too bad she got creamed in the vote 22% to 78%, ha ha ha ha ha ha owned owned owned owned! (How many rolleyes-es is this one going to require? A thousand? I’m thinking somewhere around a thousand.)

Man, I am no-joke no-irony no-hedging feeling sorry for Bodge right now. He just witnessed a hapless boy get his butt completely kicked by a girl who, honestly, didn’t look all that impressive, and now he has the task of spinning that into something remotely positive. Sheesh. Sean Spicer’s job was a milk run compared to that.

The 9-10 wildcard leaderboard goes up and…uhhhhhhhh…why is Neil Sekhri still there? He has absolutely zero chance of anything. I mean, so do Millard and Durr, but at least they actually competed this week. Huh…baptisms of fire are always so…so…fiery.

Moving on. Our first match for 11-12 is an intriguing one, Collin Cella vs. Luke Beckstrand. Cella, you may recall, won the inaugural 9-10 by beating the powerful Sean Arms, a match he dominated most of the way but had a bizarre hiccup on the wall and very nearly blew it. Luke Beckstrand is the brother of another champion, Kai Beckstrand, who won 11-12 in convincing fashion (after Caleb Brown royally screwed the pooch in the semis with an incredibly stupid gamble, but that’s another story). No doubt Luke wants to do his family proud, and what better way than to take down the champ right after he exposed his weakness. Profile of Cella, who’s been something of a rockstar since his triumph; he even got the key to the city. No pressure, kiddo, it’s all in good fun!

“Who do you think will win?” You mean, besides the bookies? And with that, I am done wasting time on this brain-dead internet poll bullcrap. :mad: (Could you at least not do a pop-up in the middle of the freaking run, you bums?? :mad::mad:)

= Exhibition 3: Collin Cella vs. Luke Beckstrand =
It’s tight at the onset, with Cella having an ever-so-slight edge after the steps. Which becomes a considerably larger edge when Beckstrand falls on the Dipper exit. It looks like he’s about to catch up on Tilting Ladders, but Cella makes a clean dismount from the middle rungs and puts his foot on the gas. He has good form on Wing Nuts and, oh my, did he one time the last? And then, apparently no longer wanting anything to do with stupid notches, goes straight to the top of the wall. Man.

Due to time constraints, or more likely not giving a damn, we go directly to the next match.

= Exhibition 4: Aubriella Hairston vs. Emily Keener (3WA) =
Ohhhhhhhh crap. I’ve seen this dance before. First exhibition is between two strong boys, second is…a waiweewuwwawei, meaning that they took so long that theirs was one of the runs UK chose for choppification, meaning that the reals are fait accomplis and we are damn well going to have our revenge match, aaaaaaaand down goes Keener on Little Dipper and I wouldn’t mind being almost 100% right on these things, you know.

Oh look, Graff is giving Beckstrand advice about his real. That’s apparently her role today. Instructing a strong contender on how to beat a mediocre girl. :dubious:

Profile on Hairston: Her dad drives a lot. No joke. That’s it. Cripes, this is just getting sadder and sadder.

= Real 3: Luke Beckstrand vs. Aubriella Hairston =
Hairston falls coming out of the dipper, Beckstrand dismounts from the front rungs, and this happens, and that happens, and the world stubbornly refuses to turn upside-down, etc., etc…and so on…

On to the impending one-sided slaughter, and it appears that Cella is starting to break down, but I’ve seen this dance as well, and all that’s happening is that he’s shaking off some unrelated minor personal issue, or perhaps feeling a twinge of guilt at having to bury yet another grossly overmatched opponent, but in the end it means absolutely nothing and will have zippo effect on the end result, although it does give Eyes the opportunity to uncork that predictable “defend his title” bullcrap, which, as I’ve stated many times before, is beyond ridiculous because he has the goddam title and nothing can ever take it away from him, unlike, say, boxing champions who do have title defenses as the term is properly defined, and boxing has been in the public eye for over a goddam century so why does he persist in this moronic…I’ll get to the match when I’m ready, dammit! :mad:

= Real 4: Emily Keener vs. Collin Cella =
Fine, let’s get this over with. Right out of the gate, Cella…is tentative? Keener actually has a slight lead after one. On to Little Dipper, where Cella blows right past his doomed foe and…pauses at the net? Meanwhile Keener is a little more careful and makes it through, slips right under the net, and retakes the lead! Cella…stops and looks at the crowd? What is going on here? Keener gamely makes her way through the ladders. Cella slowly makes it to the end of the first ladder…

AND HE LETS GO! HE JUST GIVES UP! :eek: Keener goes all the way to the end and celebrates her unlikely win. What the heck is wrong with Cella?? I listened to it again with sound and couldn’t see anything. Arr questions Graff, who informs us that “He has been feeling bad for a couple of days.” :dubious: Feeling bad? That can mean a lot of things…care to elaborate? “He tried to push through it.” :dubious: Seriously, we needed Jessie Graff for this? Did Natalie Duran have an emergency bikini wax today or something?

Wow. On just the second day of competition, we get not only our first shocking exit, but also our first double steal! I have to say it again: Sports are great because they are unpredictable. The ability to thrill, to excite, to shock, to amaze, to electrify, to inspire, all of it is possible because they are honest, real-world, real-time events contested by human beings and not a formulaic mush served under the pretense of “reality”. That’s why ANW’s best events are match events like these, because you can’t script two determined athletes trying to beat the other.

13-14 opens with Nate Pardo vs. Devan Alexander. Pardo is another returning powerhouse, who despite some blunders finished a very strong 2nd place last year. The only misgiving I have on him is that he still has that stupid “Don’t par-think, just par-do”, which is especially egregious since it doesn’t even get the goddam pronunciation right. The O in Pardo is pronounced a long O, not a long U. “Going to win some Pardo” or “Ninja is as easy as Pardo re mi” would’ve been a better choice. (I didn’t say a GOOD choice, dangit, just a BETTER one!) Oh, and he also says that he’s going to win first place, because these kind of brash boasts never backfire! :smack: Profile on Devan Alexander, a chess aficionado. As nearly every book I’ve read about the subject was either 1. 5% fun/interesting stuff and 95% suffocating pretense, or 2. 0% fun/interesting stuff and 100% suffocating pretense, I’ll refrain from elaborating on the subject. (Seriously, not one website dedicated to the fun stuff in nearly three decades? This should’ve been a slam dunk! :mad:)

= Exhibition 5: Nate Pardo vs. Devan Alexander =
Dead even through…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

:eek: And the stunners just keep on coming. Alexander’s dipper bar catches air, the right side comes off, and just like that it’s game over. Arr has a quick chat with the winner, where we learn that he is completely focused and very intense and you absolutely should not mess with him.

All right, a couple more “veterans” on tap, Peace Lopez and Molly Haywood. Apparently “veteran” is ANWJ code for “girl who lost in prelims the last time, but it wasn’t a complete massacre, so we’re going to prop her up and you can’t stop us”. No profile for either yet, and for once I’m actually fairly eager to see if UK found something better than “thinks very highly of herself” or “that brain-numbing pi crap”.

= Exhibition 6: Peace Lopez vs. Molly Haywood =
No major stumbles in the first two, with Lopez taking a slight lead. She keeps it through Crazy Cliffhanger. Block Run, still no change. On to Sky Hooks, where both set nearly the same pace, and Lopez is still slightly ahead. Lopez is on the last hook…Haywood jumps to the last hook, and Lopez jumps to the final ring…Haywood…one-times the final ring and takes her first lead of the match! :eek: It’s pretty close at the wall, but Lopez can’t make up the distance, and Haywood seals the win. What a finish! What a rare opportunity to agree with Eyes for a change!

= Real 5: Devan Alexander vs. Molly Haywood (3WA) =
There’s a squash job akin to Gouki versus an animatronic robot on deck, and this gets the 3WA? Man, add “programming decisions” to the issues I have with ANW, although I admit this is waaaaaaaaaay down the list. Anyway, Alexander, freed of the pressure of competing against, y’know, someone actually good, has no trouble with Little Dipper and proceeds to [word I’d like to use but can’t because I’m talking about a girl] [not to say that it’s any better when it happens to a boy, but the fact is that girls] [oh, never mind] win handily.

Profile on Pardo, who vividly remembers his unlikely 2nd place finish in the inaugural ANWJ, and has been training…whoa, whoa, whoa, redemption? Redemption?? For WHAT? You have nothing to be ashamed of! You ran hard, set the bar, survived a couple of potentially fatal blunders, and narrowly got beaten by a very strong athlete in the final! You freaking won money, goddammit!!

= Real 6: Peace Lopez vs. Nate Pardo =
Mike Tirico? What the hell was that all about?

Arr shoots the breeze with Lopez about “motivation” or whatever.

And so we have another milestone: for the first time ever, we’ve had a no-stealer, a one-stealer, and a two-stealer on the same day. This really goes to show you how wide open the contest is and how quickly fortunes can change. Pardo is the clear favorite in 13-14, of course, but I could see either contestant winning the other two groups.

= 9-10 final: Shae McCarl vs. Lindsey Zimmerman =
Nice ‘n steady through two. Zimmerman has slightly better speed on the walls and is the first through, but McCarl is a tick faster coming out of the blocks, and it’s a dead heat going to the swing bars. Both make the first transition at the same time! And…Zimmerman makes the second transition first! But she needs a second swing on the bar, while McCarl one-times it. Ootdia with Zimmerman ahead by a neck. They’re both in the notches…it’s coming down to who can climb up first…and…and…

…is it just me or did it get really casual all of a sudden? Here’s what happened: McCarl sorta reached for the top and missed, then Zimmerman reached for the top, and she kinda leisurely pulled herself up, and she sorta moseyed over to the buzzer, ho-hum, no biggie, and then McCarl gradually made it up, and Zimmerman lazily raised her arm and nonchalantly slapped the buzzer, and McCarl’s like, oh, there it is, reach, oh, too late…it seemed like both of them mailed it in at the end and McCarl just mailed a little harder. Weird finish.

Update on the wildcard leaderboard. Shae McCarl has the top spot with 42.90, while Bradi Brownfield hangs onto second with 50.18. Given how lackluster the 9-10 nonwinners have been, McCarl might actually have a very good shot of getting a backdoor pass. We shall see two weeks from now!

= 11-12 final: Luke Beckstrand vs. Emily Keener =
Another even flow through the first two. Beckstrand has better control on the ladders and makes a forceful frontender to take the lead. Keener frontends as well but is now well behind. No change on the blocks, and Beckstrand can really put the pressure on at Wing Nuts…and doesn’t. He spends far too much time on the first nut, allowing Keener to get back in it. But he finally finds his rhythm, staying a step ahead the rest of the way and winning a close one. The Beckstrand legacy of victory continues! Somehow!

Emily Keener takes the top spot in the wildcard race (48.52), with Harry Robinson a close second (51.49). With Cella out, this one’s very wide open and I won’t be so arrogant as to prognosticate anything. (Not that I usually do, of course. Friggin’ Super Bowl…)

= 13-14 final: Devan Alexander vs. Nate Pardo =
Alexander, confidence restored by his win over Haywood, has no trouble with the dipper this time, and the race to the buzzer is on! Pardo is slightly ahead going into Crazy Cliffhanger, but Alexander has the edge in upper-body muscle and pulls even. Pardo dashes through the blocks quicker, retaking the lead, but stumbles at the end…but Alexander stumbles just before the trampoline and Pardo is the first on Sky Hooks! Will it come down to who makes the last mistake? It takes five motions to complete Sky Hooks: ring transfer, crossover, ring transfer, ring-to-ring jump, dismount. Pardo 1. Alexander 1. Pardo 2. Pardo 3. Alexander 2. Pardo 4, Alexander 3. Alexander 4…and he one-times the final ring! AND PARDO IS HUNG UP! He has a lot of side-to-side movement and can’t correct it! Alexander climbs to victory unopposed. Man, the last time I saw a day of upsets like this, it was a basketball tournament of some kind!

Jonathan Godbout maintains the top wildcard time (31.39) while Pardo slips into #2 (34.42). His championship dreams aren’t dead yet, but they’re on life support.

A2 qualifiers: Lindsey Zimmerman, Luke Beckstrand, Devan Alexander

Today’s 9-10 was lackluster, but the other groups were full of twists and turns, keeping me on the edge of my seat until the very end. A couple matches were predictable but there were no absolute massacres (in hindsight even Lopez/Pardo wasn’t that bad). My biggest gripe was the ridiculous irritating obnoxious intrusive stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb-in-a-crowd-of-ears poll pop-ups. I’m hoping this generates ton of backlash and gets pulled after a few episodes. Other than that, two out of three ain’t bad at all. Really like what I’m seeing from this season so far!

[DKW]

“They tell me not to, and since I haven’t fallen and broken my jaw yet, I can tell them to shove it!” Inspiring.

(Seriously, though, anyone have any idea what happened to Collin Cella? News sites have nothing.)

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK A PRELIMS, DAY 3

Bodge: “What I like about this competition is that it’s not just about the skill of getting through these obstacles…”

I paused at this point because, well, I could use a good game in my life, and since Kongregate has pretty much degenerated into all overdifficult garbage all the time, I figure a nice round of “Guess What The Rest Of The Sentence Is going To Be” should fit the bill. Here goes!

“…it’s about your opponent having less the obstacles through getting the skill.”
“…it’s about the agility of getting over these obstacles, and the strength of swinging below these obstacles.”
“…it’s about keeping 90-degree L’s and em-oh-vee-ai-en-jee moving so you don’t jinx the paralysis by overanalysis WOOAHHHTT ollie ollie oxen free akutaq.”
“…it’s about saving more money by switching to Geico. Or was it staying at a Holiday Inn Express last night? Dang, I gotta check my notes…”

All right, unpause…“it’s doing them at an all-out sprint”. What? But you’re always preaching about how speed kills! Speed kills, hypocrite! :mad:

Daniel Woods enjoys dirt biking. Why yes, uh…that is, in fact a fun activity that would be readily accessible to a 10-year-old! :dubious:

Bars yells “You can do it!” and I seriously pity anyone who needs her damn permission for anything.

= Exhibition 1: Daniel Woods vs. Bella Palmer =
A brief seesaw battle with Palmer taking the lead on the steps, then hesitating at the start of the dipper and Woods pulling ahead, then Palmer pulling ahead on the walls. And then Palmer calmly surges further ahead on Block Run, and that’ll do it for the “contest” portion of this battle. (Ooh, skipping the first notch, nice!)

Meagan Martin and Grant McCartney round out mentoring duties today. Bars tells a later contestant to avoid lifting the bar on Little Dipper, as that’ll increase the chances of losing control. That’s…actually good advice. Man, it’s like season 1 was a rough draft or something.

Barrett Eads does Civil War reenactments. As he’s wearing a Union uniform, I have no idea what kind of opinion I should have of this.

= Exhibition 2: Riley Cvitanich vs. Barrett Eads=
Eads struggles a bit with the dipper bar but has better form on the walls and has a slight lead. Which soon becomes no lead as he puts a hand down on the blocks, then falls, then falls again. This is the worst I’ve ever seen anyone do on a balance obstacle without going out. On to Flying Squirrel…and Cvitanich takes a brief time out to ogle his opponent. Oh no, you do not do this. The both take a lot of swings on both bar pairs, and it’s neck-‘n-neck (nnneck?) going up the wall. They’re up! They’re at the notches! The camera cuts to a flow-killing shot of Eyes and Bodge, because how else can you tell that this is an exciting finish! :smack::mad::mad::smack: THEY LUNGE FOR THE BUZZERS AT THE SAME TIME…AND…

…I can’t tell. And since this was a sugar finish…yep, another fun made-up ANW term from yours truly! :D…and Bodge is going triple bananas right now, I am damn well keeping this muted. No, screw it, not going to try to find out who won, too freaking bad.

= Real 1: Barrett Eads vs. Daniel Woods (3WA) =
Okay, it was Eads. (Isn’t paying attention to how an event is structured simply awesome? :)) Sadly, he was much less thrilling when it mattered, inexplicably losing his grip on Little Dipper.

Profile of Bella Palmer, whose ANWJ1 effort can be summed up as follows: Made complete hash of Tic Toc after she’d nailed it in both the exhibition and real, which is somehow even worse than making complete hash of it in the exhibition and real. Since then she’s been spending a lot of time building obstacles, the idea being that if she can prevent her brain from collapsing in on itself long enough to make something actually usable without drilling a hole in her hand, she’ll have no trouble maintaining her focus for a full day’s competition. Pretty solid gameplan if you ask me.

= Real 2: Riley Cvitanich vs. Bella Palmer =
A hard-fought duel through four, with Palmer having smoother form but Cvitanich a seemingly greater sense of urgency, and they’re nearly locked up going into Flying Squirrel. We’ve seen Cvitanich struggle badly here last time, will…no. Palmer leaves him breathing fumes, one-times the fixed bar, avoids touching the same notch like it’s an ex-boyfriend, and puts this one resoundingly to bed. Man, didn’t take long for that sugar to go from sweet to sour, did it?

Shae McCarl, still #1 in the wildcard standings with her time of 42.90, locks up the first wildcard spot and will be competing one week from today. Let’s hope she’s learned to stop running after the race this time.

Tate Allen did not have a nickname in ANWJ1 because he’s a freaking boy and doesn’t require some stupid embarrassing moniker. Here’s one that I think would work: Money. Y’know, ‘cause he finished second and won prize money. Come on, it’s been ages since Michael Jordan retired, give me a break.

= Exhibition 3: Holden McNeil vs. Tate Allen =
Allen picks up right where he left off, frontending the ladder, one-timing the final nut, and skipping the notch. Can we call this “hitting for the cycle”?

= Exhibition 4: Sabrina Levine vs. Iris Flink (3WA) =
And segue right into the Doomed Hopeless Pathetic Cannon Fodder Girl Matchup of the Day. Eyes loudly proclaims that this is the “seeding matchup”, which is appropriate as both of their hopes will soon be growing daisies. Flink splashes down on the last nut, allowing Levine to complete her long, arduous journey to the blessed buzzer.

Did Bodge just say that Flink would be “real competition” for Allen?? :eek: Holy…what the hell did he see in that exhibition that I didn’t? Were rocket boots involved?

= Real 3: Iris Flink vs. Tate Allen =
Oh look, Allen is holding back! Oh look, Flink is keeping it close! Oh look, they’re dead even on the first ladder! Oh look, Allen did another frontender! Oh look, Allen is a full obstacle ahead! Oh look, stupid horse race narrative #6,213,748 gets sent to the glue factory! :smack:

Sabrina Levine is from…New York? Oh, radical, our first ever ANW contestant from the largest city in the nation. (Given how farmocentric this show is, it’s remarkable she got a profile at all.) Congratulations, you get to set a new milestone before getting run completely into the ground and not making the playoffs.

(That’s a nice condominium! Dunno what the heck her problem is…)

= Real 4: Holden McNeil vs. Sabrina Levine =
Haahhh…fine, let’s get this over it. McNeil, to the surprise of no one, immediately takes the lead…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

And that’s the end of the road for Levine as the right side of the dipper bar comes off literally right after she…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

:eek: MCNEIL MISSES THE DISMOUNT ON LITTLE DIPPER!! MCNEIL MISSES THE DISMOUNT ON LITTLE DIPPER!! I have absolutely no idea what went wrong; he just plain whiffed on the net. He still gets the win, of course…man, who would’ve thought this would be the first speed win of the season…but this has to be big time demoralizing, and that’s a mental handicap he does not need against Allen in the final.

Emily Keener’s strong effort against Luke Beckstrand in last week’s final does her good; her 48.52 clinches the first wildcard spot. All she wants is a shot at revenge!

Sophie Shaft is a Crossfit competitor, and I’m super-duper hoping she does not completely frag up her body as a result. Seriously, there’s a reason ESPN dropped it like a bad habit.

= Exhibition 5: Sophie Shaft vs. Carson Edwards =
Even through two…and still even through three, both competitors powering through Crazy Cliffhanger. Edwards takes the lead on the blocks. On to Sky Hooks, where, again, it’s transfer, cross, transfer, jump, dismount…and Edwards puts the nail in here, smoothly making it through while Shaft is still figuring out the fourth step.

Mazeiah Andrade tried a bunch of sports that didn’t work out for him, so now he does ninja. Makes sense…if you have zippo chance of making a dime in sports anyway, may as well do one you love.

= Exhibition 6: Sierra Heflin vs. Mazeiah Andrade =
Heflin is a 4.0 student, which is fortunate because she sure as hell won’t qualify for an athletic scholarship, if you catch my drift. She gets her feet way too far ahead of her hands on the dipper exit, her thighs slam into the landing area, and she tumbles backward and in. If there was a “Wannabe Warrior Wip…” oh, forget it.

= Real 5: Sophie Shaft vs. Mazeiah Andrade (3WA) =
Huh…definitely not the finish I was expecting! Shaft actually had the lead after four, with only the tricky Sky Hooks separating her from the wall. But once again she couldn’t handle the ring-to-ring jump, allowing Andrade to completely catch up. And then he started going all over the place; it got so bad I’m surprised he was able to hang on. Shaft calmly collected herself and finally, FAI-NUH-LEE, made the jump, the dismount, and the 13’ trophy dash. Gutsy win!

Sierra Heflin… :dubious: (but mostly ) …screw it, not touching this one.

= Real 6: Sierra Heflin vs. Carson Edwards =
Edwards wins, Heflin loses, don’t let the pearl-encrusted door hit you yada yada let’s just get to the fricking wild card standings before I throw something at the TV.

No one today has come close to Jonathan Godbout’s 31.39, which earns him a spot in the wild card match. Now, with the last three prelim matches coming up, the last final wild card spots will soon be decided, and it’s looking very good for Nate Pardo, who’s still in the #2 spot with a 34.42.

Okay, just found out by chance what this “Fantasy League” business is…there’s a bunch of competitors, and you try to guess which one will bust out a dance move, talk to a mentor, do a fist bump, and other things that have jumping jack squat to do with actual competition. :rolleyes: And with that, you are all now free to not give one femtocrap about the Fantasy League for the next three or four Big Crunches. :rolleyes: Damn…

Well, surprise, surprise, it took all of three days to get our first all-revenge final. I know the ideal is for two good ones to beat two not-good ones in both the exhibition and the real, then meet to see who’s the king of the hill in the final…hell, that’s what I want!..but the sad fact is that it’s very often not going to happen. All we can hope for is that the best person lives up to the billing in the final.

= 9-10 final: Daniel Woods vs. Bella Palmer =
Woods gets off to a much better start this time, taking the early lead. Palmer falls on her knees coming out of Little Dipper, and the lead is now commanding. On to the walls…and of course Palmer blows like him like he’s, if not standing still, at least seriously mincing. And…yeah, we’ve seen this story before. Swing one, swing two, one-time the dismount bar, skip the notch, ballgame.

Woods can still hold his head, high, though, because he got the second wildcard spot! Even better, he actually beat Shae McCarl by .68 second! He’s going to…mmmmmm…sorry, guys, but wildcard or no, the writing’s on the wall. If he does beat McCarl, he’s going to be a massive underdog the rest of the way. I’m just not seeing any scenario where he doesn’t get absolutely clobbered. But hey, I don’t want to dwell on the negative, and anything can happen, so let’s just keep watchin’.

= 11-12 final: Holden McNeil vs. Tate Allen =
Allen pulls off a picture-perfect frontender…and that doesn’t change…and that doesn’t change…and that doesn’t change either…and neither does that…or that…crap. McNeil quietly walks away from the wall with a “Why did I get out of bed today again?” face. Followed promptly by his “I never said I wasn’t a crybaby” face. Yeesh.

The good news is, his has the best nonwinner’s time, 44.73, which puts him in next week’s wild card match against Emily Keener. If he wins it, his fortunes depend mostly on who he faces next. He has a puncher’s chance against Luke Beckstrand, he’ll need a miracle to get past Taylor Greene, and if it’s (Yukari forbid) Tate Allen again, he is absolutely toast. Gods be merciful! Or goddesses, depending.

= 13-14 final: Sophie Shaft vs. Carson Edwards =
Same story as their exhibition right up to the start of Sky Hooks. Shaft has yet to figure out the ring-to-ring jump; if she’s got a sudden growth spurt in her, now’s the time to use it. They both make the first ring transition…and Shaft does the crossover slightly faster…*and she makes the second transfer faster…and…*it ends exactly the same way as the exhibition, Edwards beating Shaft to the exit and running away with it. Geez.

No consolation prize for Shaft as her mark (36.76) is just shy of the one set by Nate Pardo, who can finally exhale now. It doesn’t get any easier from here, of course, but he definitely looks in better shape than the other #2s. The question now is if he can up his game, dig a little deeper, take more risks and make them pay. If he can’t, his farewell tour ends with a sad whimper against Jonathan Godbout. If he can, look for him to make a serious challenge for “better than second best”.

A3 qualifiers: Bella Palmer, Tate Allen, Carson Edwards

Not as good as the first two days. Other than the Cvitanich/Eads photo finish and the McNeil/Levine washout, the entire day was strictly textbook, the strong beating the weak, the winners winning, the chalk being resoundingly unerased. Even the profiles seemed more vanilla than usual. On the plus side, it looks like UK is doing a much better job of weeding out the completely hopeless cases. Even the bottom feeders are fighting to make it a contest now, and someone who bungled the exhibition can be counted on to step it up in the real. Here’s hoping the first round of playoffs provides the excitement we all know it should.

[DKW]

Nope. Not doing it. Not saying anything about how much more convenient prerecorded sports are for certain…reasons. I have my limits, goddammit.

(Man, Eyes is really losing his touch. I actually found his introductory drivel occasionally snarkworthy…remember “some will win and some will lose”? Now I can barely remember a word of it. Something about earned-not-given. Whatever.)

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK A PLAYOFFS

All right, playoff time! As Bodge says, no more second chances! Could lead to nail-biting excitement, could lead to colossal injustices! Ya picks yer horse and ya bets yer money, dadgummit!

Eyes promptly refers to the imminent Shae McCarl/Daniel Woods battle as a SHOWDOWN. I’m already getting the sinking feeling that a wagon full of pancakes vs. Homestar Runner is going to be as entertaining as some of these wild card matches, but you work with what you have. Another 15K grand prize is at stake in each age group, and of course smaller yet still considerable lesser awards for 2-4. It still boggles me that the honest-to-Reimu most reliable way of making money in ANW is to start really young.

Jeez, these nicknames are getting completely out of control. Seriously, they’re approaching “Boy Who Does Not Know What A Hrung Is Nor Why One Happened To Collapse On Betelgeuse Seven” territory.

And…right into the match, no profile, no trivia. Only 12 matches today, too. Hey, we can look forward to fewer waiweewuwwaweis than usual. (“Fewer”. Not “none”. There are never no waiweewuwwaweis. It’s against the laws of physics or something.)

= Wild card match 1: Shae McCarl vs. Daniel Woods =
McCarl has clumsier dismounts on the first two, gives up more ground on the walls, and can’t close the gap on the blocks. But Woods gets tentative at the second bar pair and McCarl actually evens it up! And she goes for the fixed bar first…and that’s why you don’t rush these things. Comes up short and makes an impressive splash.

Shot of today’s tors-of-men, Najee Richardson, Jessie Graff, and Drew Dreschel.

Profile of Abil Mbondo. Somehow I don’t think the ability to punch really fast is going to be much help in this event. His mother is from Kenya, making her an African-American, which I remind you all actually means something. The usual random-home-country-words thing.

Ooh, stats! And they’re actually correct this time!

= First round match 1: Bella Palmer vs. Abil Mbondo =
Mbondo’s feet go astray on the dipper net, and he falls behind…and a few seconds later on the walls, falls off and in. Couldn’t see anything he did wrong; his left foot just slipped.

Brief profile of Lindsey Zimmerman. Hahh…why do I get a really nasty foreboding that she’s going to be desperately fighting to escape that LEGACY a few years down the line? Also a bit of stuff on Woods, only noteworthy in that Eyes claimed that the wild card spot was “coveted”. I know his head-scratching non sequiturs have gone down, but he still has a ways to go.

= First round match 2: Daniel Woods vs. Lindsey Zimmerman =
All right, let’s…and Woods is taking off! And has the lead through three! Wow, I know “turning it up a notch” is just an old cliche, but I actually think it’s not entirely off the mark in this instance! But once again he runs into trouble on Flying Squirrel; he just can’t pull the trigger in a timely manner. It’s dead even on the second bar pair! THEY MAKE THE JUMP AT THE SAME TIME! AND ONE-TIME THE FIXED BAR! OOTDIA!! IT’S GOING TO BE…

…no drama; Heaven and Hell finish. (Wow, haven’t had one of those in a while!) Palmer makes a bad descent to the runup and stumbles badly, tries to get to the first notch off-balance and without a proper run, comes up short, and slides down. After her final against Shae McCarl, I had the feeling that finishing could be her fatal weakness, but I didn’t expect it to jump up and bite her this hard.

And now Woods has a shot at the big dance, but to get it he’ll have to beat an extremely tenacious girl that not long ago beat him twice. Man, the tension is going to be Off. The. Charts.

Per usual custom, all the finales, in this instance quarterfinal matches, are saved for last, so we’re going to the 11-12 wild card matchup. No profile or trivia once again, which means the producers really hate one of them. Let’s find out who!

= Wild card match 2: Emily Keener vs. Holden McNeil =
McNeil already ended one run on Little Dipper and nearly does so again, barely getting his fingers on the net. He makes up a little ground on the first ladder, but Keener does a pretty frontender, something that’s still beyond McNeil’s ability and/or courage. Keener just needs to…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

:smack: Oh, no way, dude! (Dudette, whatever, I’m too frustrated right now to care.) She lost her footing on Block Run! Who the hell loses her-slash-his footing on Block Run?? Especially at this stage of the competition? McNeil pulls another one out of his Warped Wall notch. Geez. :mad:

Profile of Luke Beckstrand, who’s really into it. The good news is that he’ll have up to six chances to make a name for himself and make some real money.

= First round match 3: Luke Beckstrand vs. Taylor Greene =
Just another day at the office for Greene. Beckstrand actually had a good run, but simply good isn’t going to be good enough to outdo Greene. She’s giving me serious Brian Arnold vibes, she is that stone cold.

Quick preview of the upcoming Holden McNeil/Tate Allen slugfest, in which Eyes reminds us that Allen beat McNeil twice…hold the phone, he just came out and said it? He didn’t try to sugarcoat or spin or hem and haw or anything? And now he just proclaimed how much better an athlete Allen is. Ye gods…when Matt Jesus Aich Frickin Iseman can’t pretend anymore, you know it’s going to be a massacre. This is just cruelty. Isn’t there some way UK can just declare This Isn’t A Contest or whatever and let McNeil walk away with his self-esteem less than utterly carpet bombed? Maybe then you won’t need any waiweewuwwaweis!

= First round match 4: Holden McNeil vs. Tate Allen =
Well, this one’s mercifully quick, at least. Allen dismounts from the very first rung on the second ladder straight off the transition from the first, McNeil tries to frontend, doesn’t make it, dunks. Three up, three down. Screw everything. :mad:

Bit ‘o boilerplate rah-rah from Eyes and Bodge, and it’s on to 13-14. Damn, Eyes is really hyped up about this Jonathan Godbout/Nate Pardo match for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, I like a worst-to-first story as much as the next passive spectator too lazy or gutless to get out there, but wait until we actually get one, all right?

= Wild card match 3: Jonathan Godbout vs. Nate Pardo =
Godbout jumps out to a slight lead…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

:eek: PARDO DOWN ON LITTLE DIPPER! Holy… :eek: Replay isn’t much help. The right side came off during the descent; it looks like he simply mishandled it. Damn. :eek: I thought something was off about him…the scowls, the chest thumping, the disappointed tone, the pressures he put on himself. His head just didn’t seem to be in the right place. But no matter how bad it gets, the second obstacle should be a gimme. What a way to go.

Godbout looks a bit flustered by his win. “Wait…I beat Pardo on the second obstacle? My training partner? I crushed him like a paper cup? Are you sure some clueless girl didn’t substitute at the last second or something?”

Dreschel gives a few pointers on Little Dipper.

Devan Alexander something something check something checkmate. Cal Plohoros something size isn’t everything. Radical.

= First round match 5: Cal Plohoros vs. Devan Alexander =
Fast one. Alexander has a slim lead going into the dipper, but Plohoros is nimbler on the exit, and it’s nearly even going to the hang bars. Alexander still a little ahead going into Sky Hooks. Plohoros is quicker on the crossover and closes the gap. Alexander makes the second transfer first. Plohoros is going for another big finish. Onto the last ring, then one-time…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

Oh my, him too? Arguably the strongest contender in all of block A bites the dust. He simply never got a firm grip on the ring and lost it. Man, this has been a day for stunning falls, and somehow I doubt it’s over just yet.

And guess who gets an exit interview now. Plohoros tries to keep it positive, and from his tone it’s obvious that he never really expected to win it all. Just gotta get out there and do your best. I like that attitude. Could use a lot more of it in my life.

Quick look at Carson Edwards. He runs track. Yeah. (Why not “C.Eddie”? Don’t understand how these people think at all sometimes…)

= First round match 6: Jonathan Godbout vs. Carson Edwards =
It’s a fierce neck and neck duel through four, neither contestant giving an inch or making any blunders. Still mirrored going into Sky hooks. Still mirrored after the crossover! And…Edwards puts this one to bed, going 3-4-5 in three easy swings and moseying up that wall while Godbout finds water. This one was pure sugar (just a friendly reminder ;)) right up to the homestretch; definitely expect Sky Hooks to be the difference-maker in 13-14.

Oh yeah, I know that look. Fighting super-hard to keep his emotions in check. Stay strong, brother.

Wait…no 3WAs today? So it really is twelve matches, no more, no less? Huh. All right.

Time out for some utterly pointless interview with Edwards’ dad. Please tell me that Arr was given that eternally asinine “Would YOUUUUU like to run the course?” question, because I want there to be one fricking regular on this show I don’t hold in total contempt, dangit. :mad:

Now the time has come to see who gets to compete on the final day, and, much more importantly, who’s guaranteed to take home money! (Look, it’s not a big deal for me in other sports. I never talk about contracts or salary caps or gender gaps. It’s a big deal for me in ANW.)

First up is 9-10, and…well, let’s recap how Daniel Woods’ journey has gone. Completely beaten down by Bella Palmer, received a gift after Barrett Eads completely flubbed Little Dipper, and proceeded to get bonked by Palmer a second time. Even though he ended up with the best wildcard time in 9-10, he came into today with a record of 1-2, which is about as bottom-feeditory as it’s possible to get. Worse, his two wins today were unimpressive, coming over girls who messed up in the clutch (as girls have an unfortunate tendency to do here). Granted, Palmer wasn’t exact tested against Abil Mbondo, but you can’t deny that she’s looked a lot better than Woods. I hate to call this a done deal, because I know anything can happen and anyone can screw up. But in this case, “screwing up” can mean winning by one whole obstacle instead of two. I’m sorry, but I just don’t see Woods winning this one.

= Quarterfinal match 1: Daniel Woods vs. Bella Palmer =
Woods has a small lead after two…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

…

[Just to clarify, that was Palmer, who barely made it a third of the way through before going full Chernobyl on an obstacle she’d previously nailed four fricking times. The number of smacks and mads needed for that one would take this post over the character limit. More on this at the end.]

Taylor Greene has powered past her competition so far, but she’s never faced a crusher like Tate Allen before. It’s going to take every ounce of her skill and mettle to have a chance, and even then she might have to get a break.

= Quarterfinal match 2: Tate Allen vs. Taylor Greene =
Allen does another first-bar one-time frontender, and the only break is the hearts of Greene’s supporters as Allen casually puts another notch on his ever-lengthening belt. (Metaphorically. He’s in great shape; he doesn’t need a belt.)

So we’ve seen a lucky dog score yet another outrageous upset, and a machine continue grinding along. Which scenario is Edwards/Alexander going to fall into?

= Quarterfinal match 3: Carson Edwards vs. Devan Alexander =
Even after one; both boys have quick feet. Edwards is sharp as a razor on the dipper and takes the lead, but Alexander has better armwork and retakes the lead on the hang bars. Alexander has a smoother dismount, and they’re dead even…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

:eek::smack: Are these kids going for the record or something? Yep, you guessed it, Edwards, who yada yada flawless blah blah last spinning block bling bling bling totally in shock etc.

Block A semifinallists: Daniel Woods, Tate Allen, Devan Alexander

Phew. I don’t know about you, but I’m extremely glad we’re going to get fresh blood next week. This playoff just plain Wore. Me. Out. Final comments in brief:

9-10: How bad is it? All you need are five words: Daniel Woods will win money. It doesn’t matter if he gets totally whacked on the final day (which I still think is going to happen, although now it’s certainly not a lock), he’ll go home better off than everyone else in Block A who was supposedly better than him. Remember Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, one challenger after another who was supposedly ten times the fighter he was and could destroy him with a thought, and it mattered precisely jack squat because they didn’t, and at the end Pilgrim was alive and they weren’t? That’s what I saw here. I’m not exaggerating when I say this might be the weakest 9-10 contingent ever. And a huge reason for that is the same problem that’s plagued this event the first season: girls that are fit, confident, and capable in prelims and then completely turn into shivering, shrinking flowers in crunch time. I mentioned before that the boys’ big advantage over the girls’ was mental. Just too many girls who can’t keep their heads in the game and make one ridiculous blunder after another, and I am sick of this. Listen, UK, if you’re going to hype up staaah-roonnngg girls, they’d better be able to keep it up. As for Woods…you’re playing with house money now, kid, so just stay loose and try not to embarrass yourself. That’s all I ask.

11-12: Tate Allen. Man. Why is it always this group that produces all these big bullies? I don’t mean that as an insult, BTW; on the contrary, it’s great seeing someone who executes, gets the job done, and sets the bar. I definitely see shades of Brian Arnold in him (even more than for Taylor Greene). Once Collin Cella left, there wasn’t anyone else who had any real shot at this, and it led to a by-the-numbers playoff. But every so often, that’s fine; it’s nice to know that the best man…or boy, as the case may be…occasionally does win. It’s too early to make predictions, of course, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Allen won it all, and I can’t say he’d be undeserving.

13-14: Out of the massive, enormous, unbelievable, shocking carnage comes Devan Alexander, who had the fortune of having his massive blunder in a match that didn’t matter. Honestly, I still don’t know what the hell happened here. It seemed like six different contestants could’ve won this and Alexander just happened to get the long straw. We’ll find out soon enough if he’s the real deal and can handle pressure better than anyone else or just had a lucky day. Money’s just as good either way, of course, but it’s always nice to have closure, y’know?

[DKW]

Oh-kaay, let’s see which can of motivationatory Eyes decides to open for this week’s intro. “It doesn’t matter what part of the country you’re from.” And to really drive the point home, we see the shapes of Minnesota, Idaho, Kansas, Florida, Texas, Ohio, Iowa, and Tennessee, complete with two-letter abbreviations. Ehhhhhhh…this is yet another one of those instances where I have to ask, was this ever an issue? I mean, if it’s a sport you have to live in a certain part of the country to take part in or at least get exposed to, like, say, surfing, or skiing, or rodeo, I can see how gaining nationwide appeal would be a pretty big deal. But ANW? It’s obstacle course racing. Anywhere can have obstacles. Wasn’t there this one contestant who worked out in a ninja gym in every state except Delaware? If this ever was a regional thing, I’d say those days are long past.

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK B PRELIMS, DAY 1

We kick things off by Bodge pretending that Daniel Woods’ making the final was anything other than a ridiculous fluke and Arr implying that there are going to be plenty of failures on Warped Wall in the near future. Should I just not cover the stuff before the first match and stop holding out hope that it’s going to be anything other than hyperpathetic? I mean, it’s not like these recaps aren’t long enough.

Oh yeah, Bodge says, and this is a direct quote: “All these ninjas only know too speeds, fast…and faster.” Here’s hoping that doesn’t turn into an evil omen. :rolleyes:

Zoe Zogleman comes out in a tiara and Miss Kansas sash, and her profile confirms that she is, in fact, a beauty queen, which is totally okay now, trust us. :mad: She does the usual “don’t underestimate me” bit, which means that she’s going to be highly inspirational and totally powerful and get her sequins handed to her in the real. The only thing these big-talking girls ever put up is a lot of water.

Riley Tolman comes out in a “MINI FLEX” t-shirt in honor of Jessie Labreck. Honey, it’s a nice dream, but maybe wait until you’re sure you’re not good enough for the WNBA or LPGA.

Sheesh, I didn’t think it was possible, but these insta-polls are getting even stupider. “Which is the better way to flex?” Seriously? Kids used to get beaten up for answering questions like this.

= Exhibition 1: Riley Tolman vs. Zoe Zogleman =
They’re off…and geez, Denise, what is Zogleman even doing? I swear to Sagume I’ve never seen anyone that slow on Shrinking Steps; she’s practically tiptoeing. Now all Tolman has to do is set a decent pace and she can win this trotting away. And of course, she has to grind to nearly a halt on Spider Walls, allowing Zogleman to catch up. And then Tolman waits…and waits…and waits…and waits…and waits at the start of Block Run, and I’m unable to continue watching as my eyes have been locked permanently heavenward. Holy damn, what a painful opening match. Finally over when Zogleman comes up short on the Flying Squirrel dismount (called it! :rolleyes:). No, Tolman, please, forget the wall, we want to get this episode finished today, dangit. THERE’S your freaking jinx, Bodge!

And now Bars has the supremely unenviable task of convincing the loser of this farce that there’s a nanoghost of a chance that she won’t get squashed even flatter in the real. I’d back up the rolleyes truck, but that would just be cruel to Bars. It’s not like she wished for this to happen.

Meagan Martin and Grant McCartney round out today’s spin control duty.

Stepping up…oh, Kanako H Suwako, we’re following up Girl-Girl Race To The Bottom with two athletic boys? Does one fricking person involved with this season remember how this arrangement always plays out?? Oh, by the way, one of them is the tallest competitor in this year’s 9-10! :smack: Haaahhh…all right, Nathaniel Honvou. Nickname that means “extraordinary” in some unspecified African language, fast feet, screams too much. Gorgeous.

= Exhibition 2: Noah Daul vs. Nathaniel Honvou =
Good gravy, Daul is just laughing his way through this course. Honvou does his best to keep up, but it’s just not enough. Now Daul has just Flying Squirrel left…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

…and he comes up short on the first transition! And Honvou passes him for the win! Hot tamale cocoa pursuit, I was not expecting that! Daul just betrayed a major Achilles heel, something you do not want to do in your very first match. Should make for an interesting final!

Arr asks Honvou how he was able to keep his focus after his opponent went down, and…okay, Arr, there’s stupid, and there’s Bizarro World. Please learn the difference before you’re asking kids their strategy for losing the next match. :rolleyes:

Well, it’s real time, and neither girl is even in the frame for like 90% of the goddam race, and Daul doesn’t make the same mistake twice, and they’re utter curbstomps, and this was slightly less predictable than a typical Harlem Globetrotters game, and I freaking knew this was going to happen the instant I saw the boys step up, and once again we kick off an age group with FOUR COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS MATCHES, and now the wildcard leaderboard is up and I cannot freaking believe Eyes was able to say that with a straight face, and this is so damn depressing and you people don’t realize the sacrifice I make watching this misery so you don’t have to. :( (Oh, and the profile was that Tolman’s buddy owns a hamster. I wish I could make this stuff up. :rolleyes:)

I need some fresh air, dammit. Andreas Johnson makes stop-motion videos. Lovely. Game on.

Wait, who was Taylor Richards again? [checks files] Got outplayed in her exhibition, caught a break to win the real, and in the final became one of approximately 2,000 girls to turn “hold on, keep your footing, and make a simple forward jump” into goddam America’s Funniest Home Videos. What a veteran, am I right? :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 3: Andreas Johnson vs. Taylor Richards =
They both get a good start, and it’s nearly even through two. Double Tilt Ladder is where most of the big separations happen in 11-12; let’s see if that holds. Still nearly even at the transition. Johnson does a clean frontender from the first and second rungs, while Richards has to go to the middle, and Johnson takes the lead. No change in Block Run, and Johnson is still ahead at Wing Nuts…which would be enough after Richards whiffs on the first transition.

McCartney has a few kind words for Richards. With the way the girls are getting hammered today, the mentors definitely have their work cut out for them.

And now I just learned that because the opening match went on so long, we’re going to need a fourth 3WA…damn, getting really nasty flashbacks to Carli Snook…and guess which match just got thrown under the bus! That’s right, the second exhibition of 11-12! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, FIND GIRLS WHO CAN FREAKING RUN!! :mad::mad::mad:

= Exhibition 4: Sitara Canada vs. James Scott (3WA) =
Grossly overplayed early stumble, creative editing, creative editing, and it’s plainly obvious that Scott hit the buzzer way, way, way before Canada went out on Wing Nuts, given that he’s not even in the freaking frame when we see her miss the dismount. :smack: All right, forget split screen, just give us an “Inspirational Cam” and crow about grit and determination so we know who lost and can get the hell on to the next match.

(I remember a time when I was really positive about this season. It seems like a dream now. :()

Sitara Canada is a young feminist and an activist for LGBTQ rights. Well, how about that, ANW is starting to attract good people now! (Wouldn’t have waited 26 minutes to put in the first non-utterly miserable moment of the episode, but what the heck, I’ll take it!) Bit of friendly advice: Don’t get into sports. As soon as your ANWJ2 run ends (which, if I’m being brutally honest, probably will happen today), walk away and never look back. Every single lady jock that’s ever existed has been considered an inferior, looked down on, mocked, ridiculed, belittled, marginalized, and eventually cast aside and forgotten. Women’s sports is an avenue for slimeball perverts who look like they were dipped in toxic waste to call you ugly, fat slobs who can’t pick up the mail without breathing hard to proclaim that they could totally kick your butt, and empty-headed talk show hosts with the job skills of a street derelict to whine endlessly about how overpaid you are. You could not do more damage to the cause of women’s equality if you put a hit on Elizabeth Warren. Seriously, sports bad.

= Real 3: Sitara Canada vs. Andreas Johnson =
Canada gets way vertical on the dipper exit but manages to hold on, and she even catches up on the first ladder. But Johnson does another 1st-2nd dismount (that’s what I’m calling it from now on), while Canada has to go farther, and that’ll just about do it. Johnson’s steady the rest of the way while Canada runs out of gas and falls on the first wing nut transition. Back to the good fight, young lady, and may your light never fade.

= Real 4: Taylor Richards vs. James Scott =
** SPLOOOOSHH **. That’s what happened this match. ** SPLOOOOSHH **. It was unreal: on Little Dipper, Richards failed to place the right side of the bar on the track, and her anything-other-than-irrelevant-prelim-cannon-fodder dreams went into the drink. She’s now a glorious 1-4 all time in this event. Yeah, reeeeeal veteran. :smack:

And of course, Scott has to gyrate on top of the wall. Scott, bad things happen to contestants who celebrate cheap wins. You should have seen more than enough evidence of that by now. Don’t be a punk. :mad:

11-12 leaderboard proudly proclaims “OUT ON WING NUTS” for Canada and Richards, and man, Eyes sounds downright subdued. That’s understandable but still a bit stunning coming from him.

(Seriously! I said things like “Really like what I’m seeing from this season so far!” I know I did! :(:()

Martin is with the first contestants for 13-14 and trying to encourage them. They’re both girls, so this is both admirable and probably completely futile.

Emma Liskey is a scuba diver. And is apparently into environmentalism. Okay, thumbs up.

= Exhibition 5: Anabella Heinrichs vs. Emma Liskey =
It’s a good matchup, with Heinrichs holding a slim lead through three. Liskey is a little clumsy coming out and gives up more ground, and Heinrichs is the first to Sky Hooks, which has really become the make-or-break test of 13-14. Again, five motions, and you can count them. Heinrichs 1. Liskey 1. Heinrichs 2, Liskey 2. Heinrichs 3. Liskey 3…and Heinrichs can’t get her body steady for the ring-to-ring jump. That’s the nail in the coffin, as Liskey finishes the obstacle and ascends to the buzzer unopposed.

Isaiah Thomas is both a mama’s boy and a grandmama’s boy. Uh…thumbs up?

= Exhibition 6: Isaiah Thomas vs. Aiden Welsh =
Thomas gets a cleaner dismount off the dipper and takes the lead, then extends it with a fierce charge across the hang bars, and the hole gets deeper when Welsh falls flat on his face coming out of Block R…oh, wait, sorry, more creative editing, he’s actually just behind. :rolleyes::smack: (Seriously?? It’s a legitimately close match and they’re trying to HIDE that fact??? ) They’re both on the second ring, so it’s coming down to who can pull the trigger…and…it’s settled when Welsh can’t hold on to the third ring and plummets.

Barring a big mental blunder (which, admittedly, is always a possibility), Thomas should handle Heinrichs pretty easily, but I think Welsh is going to have his hands full against Liskey, who’s proven her mettle on the obstacle that matters the most. Not only is she the best chance for a non-100% sausagefactorious finals, but she might give us the only decent real of the entire day.

(Please don’t 3WA that one…please don’t 3WA that one…please, please, pretty pretty pretty alluring attractive photogenic lookism please…)

= Real 5: Anabella Heinrichs vs. Isaiah Thomas (3WA) =
Hey, all right! Heinrichs actually put up a pretty good fight, but Thomas’ upper-body advantage was simply too much to overcome. Heinrichs fell behind on Sky Hooks and, with no choice but to rush the ring-to-ring, took a bath.

Time out for a little puff piece on…children who are travelling by plane for the first time. Yeah. I’ve said it before that the biggest problem with Acceptable Stories was finding people who have endured that extremely specific trauma or tragedy or dramatic event AND are good enough at ninja-ing to not find the water in two seconds, and sometimes the producers just have to dig really deep one way or the other. I fully expect an expose on hotel reservations one of these days.

Aiden Welsh is a Minnesota native and really into winter sports. Sure thing.

= Real 6: Aiden Welsh vs. Emma Liskey =
Two capable athletes run hard and clean through three. Liskey has a nimbler dismount and gets through the blocks first, while Welsh takes another humiliating fall. Neither is completely smooth through the first three motions, and they’re even on the second ring. Moment of truth. And Liskey pulls the trigger first and one-times the third ring…and it soon becomes academic when Welsh’s feet hit the water on the dismount. He avoids going in, but it’s too little, too late, Liskey very calmly going up the wall and sealing it. A nice win from a nice girl at an extremely opportune time!

And…we’re going right to the finals? Sheesh, that puff piece was, like, one minute, and we had an extra 3WA. Seriously, just add a third time slot. I doubt that UK’s schedule is that tight.

= 9-10 final: Nathaniel Honvou vs. Noah Daul =
Daul is the better athlete, but not by much, and he cannot have another mental error if he’s to have any hopes of winning this. Fast-paced through two. On the walls…Honvou surges ahead? Was he holding back the last time? No change on the blocks, which means that Daul has to come from behind to win. Which doesn’t happen; Honvou makes a clean transition, one-times the fixed bar, and is off to the races on the wall. A little tentative up the notches, but it don’t matter when you’re that far ahead.

It will, of course, come to no surprise that Daul’s 45.11 completely blew away Irrelevant Girl and Other Irrelevant Girl. Today’s 9-10 was a complete freaking waste, dangit. :mad:

= 11-12 final: James Scott vs. Andreas Johnson =
Absolutely no telling who will win this one, so let’s get to it! Even through the steps. Scott pulls the trigger faster on the dipper and takes the lead. Scott makes the transition on the ladders…and has to go to the middle rungs before dismounting. Johnson should be able to make up some time with his 1st-2nd, and does, but took longer to get to that point and still trails. A mysterious stumble by Scott out of the blocks, but Johnson’s feet aren’t as fast and he can’t capitalize. It all comes down to who can be fast and smooth on the nuts. Scott’s taking too many swings, and they make the first transition at the same time. And Johnson makes the second transition first and takes his first lead of the match! Scott is struggling badly on the second nut, and Johnson dismounts first! He’s about to win the day with an impressive come-from-behind…

JOHNSON LOSES HIS BALANCE ON THE RUNUP! It looked like he feet got crazy for just a tiny fraction of a second, and it forces him to abort the attempt and try again! Scott dismounts and charges! Johnson has no choice but to go as well…and his rushed attempt is slow and comes up short of the notch! Scott is in, up, and over to cap off a wild finish. Man, the last thing I expected today was a Heaven and Hell!

Johnson’s foot fault results in a middling 50.27. Given that even Emily Keener was able to break 49 seconds, his chances are looking pretty dim. Expect a lot of second-guessing if he comes up just short.

= 13-14 final: Isaiah Thomas vs. Emma Liskey =
Thomas in the lead after two. Actually looks like he gives up a bit of ground on the hang bars but is still ahead, and…UH OH!..right foot goes astray on the last block but he reaches the end safely and avoids falling off the side. It’s a hard-fought duel on the rings…and Thomas gets turned around on the second ring!..but he quickly corrects it. He gets to the third ring and dismounts first, and that’ll ice it. It’s the closest finish we’ve had all day, but Thomas easily gets his hand on the buzzer first. All the credit for recovering from a pair of mishaps which would have ended the hopes of a lesser competitor. That’s what you call clutch!

Liskey finishes with a 43.65. That’s unlikely to hold up…I’d give it a 10-40% chance (Hey, it’s not an exact science, dammit!)…but I’d be perfectly cool with it if it did. She’s a tough competitor, especially compared to some of the dreck we’ve witnessed, and she definitely didn’t deserve to be sent packing after one day.

B1 qualifiers: Nathaniel Honvou, James Scott, Isaiah Thomas

Phew. Stick a fork in me. I think I’ll watch a lot of MMD videos now.

[DKW]

Intro is about “recipes for success”, complete with a joke recipe with “bucket of sweat” and “50 lbs muscle” and that kinda junk. I’m really bummed that UK is propagating the pathetic hard-work-equals-success lie…I mean, good lord, have you been AWAKE for the past 40 years or so…but it’s even more ludicrous coming on the heels of Daniel Woods, who could very well be the ANW “can win if nobody else shows up” contestant of all time. But since I’m trying to keep the grumbling at a minimum…at least I think I am…I’ll simply remind you that Joan Hilty did the joke recipe better ages ago. Wait, does that count as grumbling? Ah, dang.

(Oh, uh, forgot to mention that James Scott was in the first ANWJ, making it all the way to quarterfinals before losing to Collin Cella. He definitely knows how to win and could be making some noise two weeks from now.)

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK B PRELIMS, DAY 2

Boilerplate introduction, starting with a recap of last week’s thankfully non-embarrassing winners, and it’s on to the 9-10 opener. We see two not especially powerful-looking girls step up, and already I’m having world-class misgivings. All right, profile. Teafilia Walton says that she’s going to be “the best guitar playing ninja FBI agent ever”, which is simultaneously completely ridiculous and an extremely low bar, and I honestly didn’t think we’d be seeing an impressive double whammy of lameness in just the second season. :rolleyes: The rest of the profile doesn’t inspire any more confidence. She looks exactly like one of those “quirky” contestants you see in quallies who invariably gets dunked early on. That’s not a problem for the regular game (it’s moronic, it’s a colossal waste of time, but it’s not a problem), but when I see someone like that in a head-to-head competition, I always think, wasn’t there ANYONE they could’ve chosen who could’ve made it at least close to a contest? Sheesh.

= Exhibition 1: Meredith Kim vs. Teafilia Walton =
Highlights of this (extremely) slow-motion disaster, in order: Walton ogling her opponent at the start of Little Dipper and still somehow getting across first, Walton going into freaking Five Year Plan mode at the start of Block Run and allowing Kim to run away, both girls taking an entire home run derby’s worth of swings on Flying Squirrel, and the whole brain-numbing mess ending in a freaking shid after Walton’s left hand slips out of the first notch. Bonus: Kim gyrating for what seems like an NBA time out atop the wall, thereby crossing the line from “bad sport” to “malfunctioning robot”. :mad: Make a separate contest for slow, hopeless girls, dammit. You can call it Fat Princess.

Albatross helpfully explains to Walton what she did wrong, and I imagine the temptation to say “everything” must have been massive. Shot of him and fellow back-patters Drew Dreschel and Jessie Graff. I always get a laugh out of her saying “always have your chest forward”. What the hey, I’ll get whatever enjoyment from this show that I can.

Charlie Ball is fond of his grandfather! What the hell is noteworthy about this? He doesn’t even do anything special in the profile, just encourages him as he’s training. I know they can’t all be WW2 heroes, but dang, a tiny bit of effort, please.

= Exhibition 2: Charlie Ball vs. Zay Maningo =
Ball takes the early lead, and that’s all he’d need as Maningo becomes the newest member of the You’re Supposed To Put Both Ends On The Track, Stupid! Club. :smack: This… :smack: This is the FIFTH prelim of the SECOND season, WHY are these ludicrous… :smack::smack::smack::smack: Don’t these people want soooooooo cloooose?? Don’t they want hard-fought competition?? HOW IN BLOODY BLAZES DO THEY THINK… :smack::smack::smack::smack:

You know what? I’ve had enough. Yes, already. Screw everything. Charlie Ball wins the final. What a surprise, huh? Swear to Reimu, 9-10 is absolutely blowing chunks this season. :mad:

Lessee, who was Sienna Perez again…oh, right, a supposedly strong, powerful, mighty, awesome, incredible girl who, in her first match that actually mattered, tried to get past Tic Toc without freaking jumping, with nauseatingly predictable results. It’s nice that the community got behind her (as opposed to the usual reaction to a female athlete making a huge blunder) and that she’s determined to do better this time, but does she realize that her problem, and indeed the problem for most of the girls, is upstairs? It doesn’t matter how much muscle and gristle and bustle you have, you lose your head and you pay the price in the water, it’s that simple. And don’t think that Tic Toc was the problem; Little Dipper has destroyed the overconfident and the sloppy this season, and it’s just getting warmed up.

= Exhibition 3: Sienna Perez vs. Rebekah Cornwall =
Cornwall is in the lead after two, but Perez has superior upper-body mojo and catches up at the end of the first ladder. Perez dismounts slightly sooner, 3rd to Cornwall’s 4th, but Cornwall’s fast feet give her the lead again on the blocks. It’s a classic strength-against-weakness duel; which will…ah, no it isn’t. Cornwall, although a bit wild on the nuts, manages to pull the trigger faster, she dismounts while Perez is still on the second, and that’ll do it. Dang, after all that early action I was kind of looking forward to a close finish.

Geez, winning the lousy exhibition is “a dream come true”? :dubious: You still got work to do, lady, don’t get all Miss America just yet.

Daniel Hoxie…honestly just sounds really out of it and I’d rather not dwell on that fact.

= Exhibition 4: Daniel Hoxie vs. Andrew Marr =
A sluggish pace at the start and mostly even until Hoxie gets a bad dismount on Little Dipper. He clings to the landing area and stays in it but loses a lot of time. Marr is unimpressive on the second ladder but still manages a 2nd frontender. Still in the…yawn…lead after the blocks and…zzzzzzzzzzzz…I’m sorry, when the match is this slow, it’s hard for me to stay focused. Suffice to say that both are thoroughly unimpressive, but Marr slightly less so, and he finally puts this one to bed. Perhaps literally. Yes, that was most definitely a walk to the buzzer I saw. :rolleyes:

Arr asks them what it’s like to face each other, and they respond like they have guns to their heads. Given that this is UK, I wouldn’t be surprised if this were the case. Figuratively. (Yes, I know what the word “literally” means, dammit. :D)

Graff gives a bit of advice to Perez before her win-or-go-home-…again! duel with Marr. Profile of the latter, who’s into woodworking, and you can refer to my previous comments on developing useful job skills at a young age. So he’s just building ANW obstacles, so what? Everyone has to start somewhere. Even better, he’s earning his own money to buy the supplies! Wow, once he gives up his ludicrous dreams of ever amounting to anything in this joke of a sport, he’s got a bright future ahead of him!

= Real 3: Sienna Perez vs. Andrew Marr =
Perez is ahead after two and does another nice 3rd dismount at the ladder. She’s clearly the better athlete; all she has to do now is keep the pedal down. Blocks, piece of cake. First nut transition…OOH! :eek:…and she holds on. Second transition…good! And she’s the first to dismount, and you know someone of her caliber isn’t going to botch the wall. You go, girl! Looks like you finally figured out this “not royally screwing up” thing!

= Real 4: Daniel Hoxie vs. Rebekah Cornwall (3WA) =
This was a “just get it the hell over with” match if there ever was one. Cornwall flat-out dominated this one from start to finish. And I gotta admit, her singing is a far more pleasant capper than any other contestant’s dancing.

Kaden Lebsack is a wakeboarder. “It never gets old.” And…man, he looks ripped. His opponent, Blake Feero, made it out of prelims last year but didn’t beat anyone of note, so it’s tough to gauge his chances.

= Exhibition 5: Kaden Lebsack vs. Blake Feero =
Wow, you definitely see the difference with the older boys! A blazing pace all the way through Block Run, where Lebsack is in front but has a tiny stumble, and they’re dead even going to the rings. And nearly even throughout! But Feero has just a little more composure at the end, giving him a decisive win. Definitely grateful for the new wild cards, because of which I can appreciate this match instead of raging about it being in the goddam prelim!

And right to the next match without a profile! (Someone must have wasted a lot of time…gee, can’t imagine who… :mad:) And…it’s two unimpressive-looking girls. GodDAMMIT. Look, UK, I understand the logic of having relatively even-strength matchups in the opener, but you do realize that if you have strong-strong and weak-weak, that’s only going to lead to incredibly predictable reals and an inevitable rematch in the final making the initial strong-strong even more pointless, right? I mean, strong-weak strong-weak isn’t a whole lot better, but at least the final actually has some weight to it! Or…to get really wild…have all four contestants of approximately the same ability! That way all the matches are worth watching!

= Exhibition 6: Nia Conner vs. Charlie Ham =
Conner has a massive crisis of faith at the start of Little Dipper but is saved when Ham freaking forgets which direction to go on the second ring of Sky Hooks, and there’s a fine line between “disappointing match” and “sheer torture from start to finish”, folks. It ends the only way at match like this could end, with a wall washout. (I watched a second time unmuted, and yes, there was, in fact a bee daah waw chant.) This match was sadder than every tragedy in the entire Final Fantasy series put together. :(:(:(

Do I really need to tell you what happened in the reals? After what we’ve seen, they’re…they’re…dammit, I’m tired of finding metaphors for this. All right, think of the most predictable thing you’ve ever predicted in your life. They were more predictable than that. There you go. And here we go to the next match promising a picosoupcon of that coveted quality known as “competition”!

= 11-12 final: Sienna Perez vs. Rebekah Cornwall =
Perez is flying high after her real victory, but unless she can find an answer to Cornwall’s powerful legs, her joy may be short-lived. Cornwall in the lead again after two. Perez makes her move on the ladders…hot dang, that was fast! And Cornwall is struggling! Perez is already on the first nut before Cornwall has even reached the blocks! And that’s the final straw; with her upper-body superiority, there’s no hope of a comeback. This is a completely different Sienna Perez than the lackadaisical choker we saw one year ago, and she seems to get stronger with every match. Way…to…go! :D:D

Thankfully there’s no unhappy ending here for Cornwall (who was impressive in her own right), as her time of 43.39 easily takes the top wild card spot. Arr does a cheerful postmatch with both of them, and they both state how grateful they are to have such strong competition. Given how a lot of other girls do here, that’s saying a lot. If they meet for a rubber match two weeks from now, I guarantee you it is going to blow the damn roof off. Whoa, did I actually use the term “rubber match”? Just no end to the surprises with ANW.

= 13-14 final: Kaden Lebsack vs. Blake Feero =
An unfortunate side effect of there being wildcards is that it’s taken a lot of the excitement out of matches like this. Before I felt rage that someone would unfairly be sent home early, now I feel…indifference. We all know that the loser is going to shoot to the top of the wild card standings and nothing short of getting arrested is going to keep him out of the wild card match. Sure, Lebsack losing means he ends the day 1-2, but he knows what truly matters and that beating up a nobody (e.g. Charlie Ham) doesn’t mean anything. Anyway, the match is largely the same as their first. Lebsack made a quick jump for the final ring but didn’t quite have the momentum for a one-timer, and that was the difference; Feero one-timed the last ring and…though it was close at the end!..completed a perfect day.

Lebsack puts up a jaw-dropping time of 28.27, the kind of number that makes casual viewers scratch their heads and ask “How the freak did he not win?” I pity the doomed hopeless doormat jabroni roadkill schmuck who’s going to get ground into a fine dust by him in the wild card match. The real question is whether he can beat Feero when it really really counts. It’s going to take an absolutely perfect run, but Lebsack’s shown that he’s capable of it. Whatever the case, there are going to be fireworks in the playoffs…and given the dreariness I’ve seen in this damn block, I say the more the better. (Which is probably the only time I’m ever going to say that about fireworks, so appreciate it!)

B2 qualifiers: Charlie Ball, Sienna Perez, Blake Feero

And with that I bring my shortest ANWJ recap ever to a close. One thing that’s become painfully clear is that this event desperately needs an early weeding-out phase, like the regular contest has with quallies. Put a whole bunch of kids out there and let them run the course unopposed, and the ones who don’t stink up the joint get to be in the real deal. I’m tired of reals and finals so predictable they may as well be scripted. I just hope that the guys at the top see the problem and make some effort to make a better product, or this could be on my “don’t care anymore” list by season 3.

[Huffleclaw]

@EllisDee

Your fury perplexes me. I can’t wrap my head around where even a tiny fraction of that vitriol is warranted.

It rhymes with her name, which is a very common practice for nicknames.

No it wasn’t. Scorpions aren’t poisonous, they’re venomous. Big difference. The former is poison to eat (thus the word “poisonous”) while the latter is perfectly fine to eat. You just don’t want to get stung by them.

Well, we could eat the insects, or we could eat babies. (Because babies taste best!)

Kid Rock is 47.

Sparkly doesn’t rhyme with Barclay. I think you’re confusing her name with the credit card company.

[DKW]

In the intro, Eyes is…acknowledging failure? Seriously, the very first scene is Teafilia Walton coming up short on the wall, and here are his exact words: “For every moment of triumph, there are countless hours of failure. Behind each epic grab is a mountain of misses.” This seems to be implying the intense training required to get to a competitive level in ninja (which in turn, I guess, explains why we’ve seen so many complete schlubs here, but I’ve banged that drum enough already), but we’re seeing both training footage and the aftermath of competitors stinking it up on the course. This is pretty remarkable. ANWJ is the most positive, cheery, happy-happy reality show I’ve seen in my life (and absolutely jarring when compared to hardcore hatefests like Hell’s Kitchen, The Bachelor, or Survivor), and Eyes, the shillingest shill who ever shilled for shilly shill shill shill, just comes out and says “a lot of this is going to suck, there’s nothing anyone can do, just deal”? Wow.

All right, I’m not really expecting this to spark some wondrous renaissance of intelligent analysis and realistic expectations, but one step at a time!

(Sheesh, the only comment so far is digging up some old gripe I made about Barclay Stockett’s nickname? Enough. Let the past be past. I think “Bars” sounds better, anyway. ;))

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK B PRELIMS, DAY 3

Kicking off 9-10 are…two small, unimpressive-looking girls. :smack: Uggghhh… :smack: At this point this raging bullcrap has rocketed past “they never learn”, soared beyond “actual brain damage”, and landed smack on “completely addicted to a formula that absolutely does not work”. Goddammit. :smack:

Eyes proclaims that Josslyn Siembor is competing for “reasons that will warm your heart”, and that’s pretty much all you need to know about her chances of not getting squashed completely flat. :smack: Fricking… :smack: Aaaaaaagghhh… :mad: (Oh, it’s about the Special Olympics or something.)

= Exhibition 1: Josslyn Siembor vs. Evelyn Schmitz =
Highlights: Siembor losing her feet in the middle of Spider Walls, Siembor ogling Schmitz on Flying Squirrel, both girls valiantly struggle to remember what to do there (“Oh! Move your body in the same direction to increase speed!” :rolleyes:), and the clumsiest Warped Wall attempts I’ve ever seen that were not done by actual amputees. Schmitz hits the buzzer first, which I’m happy for because it means this match is over.

Bars, Meagan Martin, and Grant McCartney are today’s decent advice-givers.

Jake Scionti has a six pack, which will become something of a theme for him for the remainder of the season.

= Exhibition 2: Kaleb Perez vs. Jake Scionti =
Holy Marisa, did that really happen? I have to watch it again. Perez doesn’t get a smooth run down Little Dipper…it looks like he got slightly offtracked halfway down…and his momentum is completely shot at the end. He has no choice but to make a leap of faith and unsurprisingly comes up well short.

Oh joy, that makes TWO weeks in a row where we know who’s going to win the day after two freaking matches! :mad: The only question is if Perez really is as bad as he looked, for which the answer was a highly revolting “yes”. In the real against Schmitz he lost his footing near the end of Spider Walls and gave her the freebie. To Schmitz’s credit, she was able to hang with Scionti for a while, but once it reached Flying Squirrel, she was toast, losing by a score of making-way-too-many-goddam-swings to not-making-way-too-many-goddam-swings. I freaking hate 9-10. :mad:

(Oh yeah, Noah Daul vs. Zay Maningo in the blah blah seriously who gives a crap.)

Tiago Lima does capoeira! No no, not “like” dance fighting! Own it! Represent, dangit! (Hey, we’ve all played Tekken.)

= Exhibition 3: Tiago Lima vs. Hunter Rowland =
Unfortunately you have to use your arms in this game. Lima gets a lethargic push off of Little Dipper, gets no speed on the descent, and falls about a quarter mile short of the landing area. Dang, Roland looks much better now than last year; I’m eager to see just how good she really is!

Anavi Angst is called “Das Ninja”. Because she’s from Germany. And she can cross her eyes, which I admit is a handy ability to have when watching these profiles. :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 4: Anavi Angst vs. Asa Solberg =
Nearly even right up to Little Dipper, whereupon Angst immediately triggers it in her fans by making a horrible dismount, getting her feet completely ahead of her upper body, and sort of touching her toes before pratfalling straight into the water. Byakuren Hijiri on a cracker, why do black girls so consistently screw the pooch here?? I was there when Florence-Griffith Joyner and Simone Biles blew the roof off the stadium! I grew up with the paradigm-crushing, continent-moving career of Serena Williams! The WNBA is well into its third decade! I know that good black female athletes exist! Why hasn’t there ever been one in ANWJ? Whyyyyyy??? :mad:

And now Bars does a Tips And Tricks on…Shrinking Steps? Um, I don’t think that should be anyone’s priority, particularly with Little Dipper quickly becoming the new Tic Toc.

According to Eyes, Hunter Rowland “had one of the most iconic one-handed grabs in history”. Ummmmmm…other than emphasizing that she could beat Anavi Angst with one hand tied behind her back, I really don’t see the point of hyping up a match she freaking lost. Besides, that obsess-over-that-one-thing-that-one-time thing just gets incredibly old (think Kevin Bull going inverted or Jamie Rahn losing a shoe). Look forward, not back, dangit.

(I really, really, honest-to-Okina thought I’d be more positive this season…)

= Real 3: Anavi Angst vs. Hunter Rowland =
Even after one. Both girls have decent form on the dipper, thank goddess, and are on to the ladders. Angst…actually has better upper-body strength and catches up? Hoo yeah, it’s a contest after all! They’re on to the middle of the second ladder, and Rowland has to go to the third rung from the end before dismounting but still gets off first. Angst takes a hard fall on the dismount and finds herself a full obstacle behind. On to the nuts, were Rowland pulls the trigger on the first transition first while Angst loses momentum. But Rowland’s taking her time getting wound up again for the second, allowing Angst to catch up! But that’s as close as this would ever get, Rowland regaining her form, dismounting first, and slowly but surely ascending to triumph. Huh…this match was actually fairly decent. Okay, cool.

= Real 4: Tiago Lima vs. Asa Solberg (3WA) =
At first blush, this sounds like the totally wrong choice for the 3WA, as it’s between two boys. As it turns out, the only one who should be blushing is Lima, who didn’t even make it to the end of Little Dipper this time, electing instead to freaking lose the handle. In two matches he cleared a grand total of two obstacles, while Solberg’s headed to the final after what amounted to an extended practice run. Goddammit, I’m dying here.

(I really, really, honest-to-Hecatia thought that I’d be lamenting how I thought I’d be more positive this season just once per recap. Really.)

Evan Lavallee was inspired by big sister Sophia, whose amazing clutch win over Daniel Jones in Prelim #4 sparked an incredible run to quarters. But never mind friendly sibling rivalry when there’s an Acceptable Story to regale us with! That’s right, his mom is recovering from colon cancer! Wait, she’s going to live? Ah, heck, close enough! :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 5: Evan Lavallee vs. Addy Herman =
Uhhh…not liking this matchup. Lavallee literally just turned 13 and doesn’t look especially athletic, while Herman actually made it to playoffs last year. My fears are quickly confirmed when Lavallee hesitates at the start of Little Dipper, giving Herman a…and now he’s caught up. Creative editing saves the day yet again! :rolleyes::mad: Herman is the first to Sky Hooks, and as always, it’s a race to 5. Herman makes the jump first; 1-0. 2-1. 3-2. 3-3, and Lavallee looks indecisive. 4-…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

Dammit, you hate to see this. Herman’s hands are on the last ring and they slip right off, just like that. Lavallee takes a long time to finish, but that doesn’t matter when he has all of it in the world. And just to add insult to injury, he needs two cracks to get up the wall.

The final exhibition is Autumn Mathisen vs. Gabby Romano, the former of which made it as far as ANWJ1’s quarterfinals and the latter of which made it to the first round. I’m honestly a little surprised to see so many returnees, especially the girls. Maybe after what they’ve done the producers are afraid to say no to them. No profile for either, so you know they’re here on merit. Sounds good. Sounds like it’s going to be the only good we have today.

= Exhibition 6: Autumn Mathisen vs. Gabby Romano =
They’re setting an unamazing but consistent pace, and it’s all knotted up after three. Mathisen has faster feet through the blocks but backs off from Sky Hooks! Girls! There’s no place for cowardice in sport! Even one as messed up as ninja! Luckily Romano has the same crisis of confidence, and they shuffle uselessly in front of the trampoline, neither wanting to pull the trigger. Gah! :mad: Mathisen is the first to grow some…uh, ovaries, and the totdia is on. 1-0. 1-1. 1-2…and apparently Mathisen forgot how to spell “move”. (“I need to…uh…em-oh-oh-dee? En-yoo-dee-ee? Em-ay-yoo-vee-ee? Dammit, I know this!”) She manages to tie it up at 3-3, and did I mention that these girls have become incredibly slow? Like, typical 9-10 cannon fodder slow? Mathisen, despite getting seriously sideways, somehow manages to dismount first and make a big show of hitting the buzzer. The 13-14 final is absolutely going to suck eggs, isn’t it?

= Real 5: Autumn Mathisen vs. Addy Herman (3WA) =
Herman didn’t repeat her mistake, and that’s all it took to stomp a very small, delicate mudhole in her hapless foe. Was it just one week ago that Blake Feero was tearing up the course? Was it a dream?

(I know this was completely unintentional, but Bodge shouting “Hasta la vista, baby!” just as the camera cut to Mathisen sliding down the wall has got to be his highlight of the whole season. That was nasty, and in this case completely deserved. Eat your crow and like it! :D)

Meagan Martin gives some advice to Lavallee. Eh, I dunno about “stay nice and calm”; if he was any more lethargic in his first match, he’d be in siffies. Gabby Romano hikes through the mountains outside her home and, since she can’t get her driver’s license yet, does lots of off-roading. Dang, it looks like everything leading up to her real against Lavallee is designed to convince us that it’s going to be utter annihilation, a bizarre editorial choice from show that pitches sugar with the fervor of a Def Leppard concert.

= Real 6: Gabby Romano vs. Evan Lavallee =
Fine, let’s get this over with. Even after one. Romano gets down the dipper first but Lavallee has the better dismount, and they’re still even. On to the hang bars, and… :eek: holy…Lavallee takes the lead! The shy little brother (who just barely became old enough for this group, I remind you) is pulling away! And Romano is struggling on the upper-body obstacle! Lavallee is quick through the blocks and right onto the first ring! He has trouble getting moving again, allowing Romano to catch up, but he still makes the first ring jump first. Let’s do this! 1-0! 2-1, 2-2! Now 3-2! 3-3, 4-3! Just the dismount left! And he’s off while Romano still hasn’t done the ring-to-ring! He’s…

Uh oh. He stops at the beginning of the ramp…and looks behind. And then he psyches himself up. No! Keep your head in the game, dammit! You’re so close to pulling off the upset and punching your ticket to the finals! One obstacle left, LET’S GO! Romano dismounts; he has to pull the trigger now! He does! He’s up…

…AND SLIDES BACK DOWN! Still can’t get it on the first crack! Romano is up, and she makes it easily. After fighting so hard, Lavallee loses this one with a shid. Beyond heartbreaking.

Forget it, I can’t go on. How pathetic was this group? It ended up a double steal. This had the look and feel of a total crapshoot, and our one shot at a feel-good story was crushed beneath the heel of physical limitations. Needless to say the final was a monumental bore-a-rama not even worth covering. Herman won, but if you seriously believe that there is any possible result for her in the playoffs other than getting ground into hamburger by Blake Feero or Kaden Lebsack, I definitely do not want what you’re having. Speaking of which, Lebsack, to the surprise of no one not in a coma, took the top wild card spot. Emma Liskey was #2, but I’d rather not draw attention to this as she really deserves better. And now I realize that either Feero or Lebsack will not win any money while someone who’s not in the same galaxy as either of them probably will, and I am so freaking depressed, man. :(:(

Huh…one more final? ‘Kay, whatever…

= 11-12 final: Hunter Rowland vs. Asa Solberg =
Rowland has a razor slim lead after the steps, but Solberg gets down the dipper slightly faster, and they’re even after t…no they’re not! :eek: Solberg’s feet go astray and he gets hung up on the net! But he has the better upper body and catches up on the ladders. He can really put the pressure on with a frontender…but he doesn’t have the chops for it and Rowland dismounts first. No development on the blocks, and Rowland is on the first nut. She needs a lot of swings for the transition…but so does Solberg. And with that, his luck has finally run out; Rowland completes the obstacle while he’s still on the second nut and calmly makes it official.

Rebekah Cornwall unsurprisingly and very deservingly locks up the #1 wild card spot, while Andreas Johnson’s stumble becomes a nonissue as his 50.27 easily trashes Andrew Marr and Asa Solberg’s times. I’m actually anticipating a pretty good wild card match between these two, and the way this season is going, “pretty good” could be the absolute pinnacle.

B3 qualifiers: Jake Scionti, Hunter Rowland, Addy Herman

Bah. Screw today forever. Let’s just get to playoff prospects, excluding 13-14 since we already know it’s going to be Feero vs. Lebsack III following three completely irrelevant squash matches.

9-10: Sausage party? Try hash. None of these boys have been tested, so we have absolutely no way of knowing how they’ll do against real competition when the pressure’s on. I like what I’ve seen from Nathaniel Honvou, and Jake Scionti appears to be a solid pick, but only a fool would be so bold as to make prognostications. Just like all of you, I’ll give the results when I get the results!

11-12: Sienna Perez and Rebekah Cornwall are at the top of this class, and it looks pretty likely that they will have their much-anticipated rubber match. But I also think Andereas Johnson has the potential to be an intriguing spoiler. He’s got to be fuming blowing his final against James Scott, and with his ability he’s the perfect candidate for a redemption arc. Whatever happens, this is going to be unpredictable and must-see all the way.

[Huffleclaw]

@DKW

In the intro, Eyes is…acknowledging failure? Seriously, the very first scene is Teafilia Walton coming up short on the wall, and here are his exact words: “For every moment of triumph, there are countless hours of failure. Behind each epic grab is a mountain of misses.” This seems to be implying the intense training required to get to a competitive level in ninja (which in turn, I guess, explains why we’ve seen so many complete schlubs here, but I’ve banged that drum enough already), but we’re seeing both training footage and the aftermath of competitors stinking it up on the course. This is pretty remarkable. ANWJ is the most positive, cheery, happy-happy reality show I’ve seen in my life (and absolutely jarring when compared to hardcore hatefests like Hell’s Kitchen, The Bachelor, or Survivor), and Eyes, the shillingest shill who ever shilled for shilly shill shill shill, just comes out and says “a lot of this is going to suck, there’s nothing anyone can do, just deal”? Wow.

All right, I’m not really expecting this to spark some wondrous renaissance of intelligent analysis and realistic expectations, but one step at a time!

(Sheesh, the only comment so far is digging up some old gripe I made about Barclay Stockett’s nickname? Enough. Let the past be past. I think “Bars” sounds better, anyway. ;))

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK B PRELIMS, DAY 3

Kicking off 9-10 are…two small, unimpressive-looking girls. :smack: Uggghhh… :smack: At this point this raging bullcrap has rocketed past “they never learn”, soared beyond “actual brain damage”, and landed smack on “completely addicted to a formula that absolutely does not work”. Goddammit. :smack:

Eyes proclaims that Josslyn Siembor is competing for “reasons that will warm your heart”, and that’s pretty much all you need to know about her chances of not getting squashed completely flat. :smack: Fricking… :smack: Aaaaaaagghhh… :mad: (Oh, it’s about the Special Olympics or something.)

= Exhibition 1: Josslyn Siembor vs. Evelyn Schmitz =
Highlights: Siembor losing her feet in the middle of Spider Walls, Siembor ogling Schmitz on Flying Squirrel, both girls valiantly struggle to remember what to do there (“Oh! Move your body in the same direction to increase speed!” :rolleyes:), and the clumsiest Warped Wall attempts I’ve ever seen that were not done by actual amputees. Schmitz hits the buzzer first, which I’m happy for because it means this match is over.

Bars, Meagan Martin, and Grant McCartney are today’s decent advice-givers.

Jake Scionti has a six pack, which will become something of a theme for him for the remainder of the season.

= Exhibition 2: Kaleb Perez vs. Jake Scionti =
Holy Marisa, did that really happen? I have to watch it again. Perez doesn’t get a smooth run down Little Dipper…it looks like he got slightly offtracked halfway down…and his momentum is completely shot at the end. He has no choice but to make a leap of faith and unsurprisingly comes up well short.

Oh joy, that makes TWO weeks in a row where we know who’s going to win the day after two freaking matches! :mad: The only question is if Perez really is as bad as he looked, for which the answer was a highly revolting “yes”. In the real against Schmitz he lost his footing near the end of Spider Walls and gave her the freebie. To Schmitz’s credit, she was able to hang with Scionti for a while, but once it reached Flying Squirrel, she was toast, losing by a score of making-way-too-many-goddam-swings to not-making-way-too-many-goddam-swings. I freaking hate 9-10. :mad:

(Oh yeah, Noah Daul vs. Zay Maningo in the blah blah seriously who gives a crap.)

Tiago Lima does capoeira! No no, not “like” dance fighting! Own it! Represent, dangit! (Hey, we’ve all played Tekken.)

= Exhibition 3: Tiago Lima vs. Hunter Rowland =
Unfortunately you have to use your arms in this game. Lima gets a lethargic push off of Little Dipper, gets no speed on the descent, and falls about a quarter mile short of the landing area. Dang, Roland looks much better now than last year; I’m eager to see just how good she really is!

Anavi Angst is called “Das Ninja”. Because she’s from Germany. And she can cross her eyes, which I admit is a handy ability to have when watching these profiles. :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 4: Anavi Angst vs. Asa Solberg =
Nearly even right up to Little Dipper, whereupon Angst immediately triggers it in her fans by making a horrible dismount, getting her feet completely ahead of her upper body, and sort of touching her toes before pratfalling straight into the water. Byakuren Hijiri on a cracker, why do black girls so consistently screw the pooch here?? I was there when Florence-Griffith Joyner and Simone Biles blew the roof off the stadium! I grew up with the paradigm-crushing, continent-moving career of Serena Williams! The WNBA is well into its third decade! I know that good black female athletes exist! Why hasn’t there ever been one in ANWJ? Whyyyyyy??? :mad:

And now Bars does a Tips And Tricks on…Shrinking Steps? Um, I don’t think that should be anyone’s priority, particularly with Little Dipper quickly becoming the new Tic Toc.

According to Eyes, Hunter Rowland “had one of the most iconic one-handed grabs in history”. Ummmmmm…other than emphasizing that she could beat Anavi Angst with one hand tied behind her back, I really don’t see the point of hyping up a match she freaking lost. Besides, that obsess-over-that-one-thing-that-one-time thing just gets incredibly old (think Kevin Bull going inverted or Jamie Rahn losing a shoe). Look forward, not back, dangit.

(I really, really, honest-to-Okina thought I’d be more positive this season…)

= Real 3: Anavi Angst vs. Hunter Rowland =
Even after one. Both girls have decent form on the dipper, thank goddess, and are on to the ladders. Angst…actually has better upper-body strength and catches up? Hoo yeah, it’s a contest after all! They’re on to the middle of the second ladder, and Rowland has to go to the third rung from the end before dismounting but still gets off first. Angst takes a hard fall on the dismount and finds herself a full obstacle behind. On to the nuts, were Rowland pulls the trigger on the first transition first while Angst loses momentum. But Rowland’s taking her time getting wound up again for the second, allowing Angst to catch up! But that’s as close as this would ever get, Rowland regaining her form, dismounting first, and slowly but surely ascending to triumph. Huh…this match was actually fairly decent. Okay, cool.

= Real 4: Tiago Lima vs. Asa Solberg (3WA) =
At first blush, this sounds like the totally wrong choice for the 3WA, as it’s between two boys. As it turns out, the only one who should be blushing is Lima, who didn’t even make it to the end of Little Dipper this time, electing instead to freaking lose the handle. In two matches he cleared a grand total of two obstacles, while Solberg’s headed to the final after what amounted to an extended practice run. Goddammit, I’m dying here.

(I really, really, honest-to-Hecatia thought that I’d be lamenting how I thought I’d be more positive this season just once per recap. Really.)

Evan Lavallee was inspired by big sister Sophia, whose amazing clutch win over Daniel Jones in Prelim #4 sparked an incredible run to quarters. But never mind friendly sibling rivalry when there’s an Acceptable Story to regale us with! That’s right, his mom is recovering from colon cancer! Wait, she’s going to live? Ah, heck, close enough! :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 5: Evan Lavallee vs. Addy Herman =
Uhhh…not liking this matchup. Lavallee literally just turned 13 and doesn’t look especially athletic, while Herman actually made it to playoffs last year. My fears are quickly confirmed when Lavallee hesitates at the start of Little Dipper, giving Herman a…and now he’s caught up. Creative editing saves the day yet again! :rolleyes::mad: Herman is the first to Sky Hooks, and as always, it’s a race to 5. Herman makes the jump first; 1-0. 2-1. 3-2. 3-3, and Lavallee looks indecisive. 4-…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

Dammit, you hate to see this. Herman’s hands are on the last ring and they slip right off, just like that. Lavallee takes a long time to finish, but that doesn’t matter when he has all of it in the world. And just to add insult to injury, he needs two cracks to get up the wall.

The final exhibition is Autumn Mathisen vs. Gabby Romano, the former of which made it as far as ANWJ1’s quarterfinals and the latter of which made it to the first round. I’m honestly a little surprised to see so many returnees, especially the girls. Maybe after what they’ve done the producers are afraid to say no to them. No profile for either, so you know they’re here on merit. Sounds good. Sounds like it’s going to be the only good we have today.

= Exhibition 6: Autumn Mathisen vs. Gabby Romano =
They’re setting an unamazing but consistent pace, and it’s all knotted up after three. Mathisen has faster feet through the blocks but backs off from Sky Hooks! Girls! There’s no place for cowardice in sport! Even one as messed up as ninja! Luckily Romano has the same crisis of confidence, and they shuffle uselessly in front of the trampoline, neither wanting to pull the trigger. Gah! :mad: Mathisen is the first to grow some…uh, ovaries, and the totdia is on. 1-0. 1-1. 1-2…and apparently Mathisen forgot how to spell “move”. (“I need to…uh…em-oh-oh-dee? En-yoo-dee-ee? Em-ay-yoo-vee-ee? Dammit, I know this!”) She manages to tie it up at 3-3, and did I mention that these girls have become incredibly slow? Like, typical 9-10 cannon fodder slow? Mathisen, despite getting seriously sideways, somehow manages to dismount first and make a big show of hitting the buzzer. The 13-14 final is absolutely going to suck eggs, isn’t it?

= Real 5: Autumn Mathisen vs. Addy Herman (3WA) =
Herman didn’t repeat her mistake, and that’s all it took to stomp a very small, delicate mudhole in her hapless foe. Was it just one week ago that Blake Feero was tearing up the course? Was it a dream?

(I know this was completely unintentional, but Bodge shouting “Hasta la vista, baby!” just as the camera cut to Mathisen sliding down the wall has got to be his highlight of the whole season. That was nasty, and in this case completely deserved. Eat your crow and like it! :D)

Meagan Martin gives some advice to Lavallee. Eh, I dunno about “stay nice and calm”; if he was any more lethargic in his first match, he’d be in siffies. Gabby Romano hikes through the mountains outside her home and, since she can’t get her driver’s license yet, does lots of off-roading. Dang, it looks like everything leading up to her real against Lavallee is designed to convince us that it’s going to be utter annihilation, a bizarre editorial choice from show that pitches sugar with the fervor of a Def Leppard concert.

= Real 6: Gabby Romano vs. Evan Lavallee =
Fine, let’s get this over with. Even after one. Romano gets down the dipper first but Lavallee has the better dismount, and they’re still even. On to the hang bars, and… :eek: holy…Lavallee takes the lead! The shy little brother (who just barely became old enough for this group, I remind you) is pulling away! And Romano is struggling on the upper-body obstacle! Lavallee is quick through the blocks and right onto the first ring! He has trouble getting moving again, allowing Romano to catch up, but he still makes the first ring jump first. Let’s do this! 1-0! 2-1, 2-2! Now 3-2! 3-3, 4-3! Just the dismount left! And he’s off while Romano still hasn’t done the ring-to-ring! He’s…

Uh oh. He stops at the beginning of the ramp…and looks behind. And then he psyches himself up. No! Keep your head in the game, dammit! You’re so close to pulling off the upset and punching your ticket to the finals! One obstacle left, LET’S GO! Romano dismounts; he has to pull the trigger now! He does! He’s up…

…AND SLIDES BACK DOWN! Still can’t get it on the first crack! Romano is up, and she makes it easily. After fighting so hard, Lavallee loses this one with a shid. Beyond heartbreaking.

Forget it, I can’t go on. How pathetic was this group? It ended up a double steal. This had the look and feel of a total crapshoot, and our one shot at a feel-good story was crushed beneath the heel of physical limitations. Needless to say the final was a monumental bore-a-rama not even worth covering. Herman won, but if you seriously believe that there is any possible result for her in the playoffs other than getting ground into hamburger by Blake Feero or Kaden Lebsack, I definitely do not want what you’re having. Speaking of which, Lebsack, to the surprise of no one not in a coma, took the top wild card spot. Emma Liskey was #2, but I’d rather not draw attention to this as she really deserves better. And now I realize that either Feero or Lebsack will not win any money while someone who’s not in the same galaxy as either of them probably will, and I am so freaking depressed, man. :(:(

Huh…one more final? ‘Kay, whatever…

= 11-12 final: Hunter Rowland vs. Asa Solberg =
Rowland has a razor slim lead after the steps, but Solberg gets down the dipper slightly faster, and they’re even after t…no they’re not! :eek: Solberg’s feet go astray and he gets hung up on the net! But he has the better upper body and catches up on the ladders. He can really put the pressure on with a frontender…but he doesn’t have the chops for it and Rowland dismounts first. No development on the blocks, and Rowland is on the first nut. She needs a lot of swings for the transition…but so does Solberg. And with that, his luck has finally run out; Rowland completes the obstacle while he’s still on the second nut and calmly makes it official.

Rebekah Cornwall unsurprisingly and very deservingly locks up the #1 wild card spot, while Andreas Johnson’s stumble becomes a nonissue as his 50.27 easily trashes Andrew Marr and Asa Solberg’s times. I’m actually anticipating a pretty good wild card match between these two, and the way this season is going, “pretty good” could be the absolute pinnacle.

B3 qualifiers: Jake Scionti, Hunter Rowland, Addy Herman

Bah. Screw today forever. Let’s just get to playoff prospects, excluding 13-14 since we already know it’s going to be Feero vs. Lebsack III following three completely irrelevant squash matches.

9-10: Sausage party? Try hash. None of these boys have been tested, so we have absolutely no way of knowing how they’ll do against real competition when the pressure’s on. I like what I’ve seen from Nathaniel Honvou, and Jake Scionti appears to be a solid pick, but only a fool would be so bold as to make prognostications. Just like all of you, I’ll give the results when I get the results!

11-12: Sienna Perez and Rebekah Cornwall are at the top of this class, and it looks pretty likely that they will have their much-anticipated rubber match. But I also think Andereas Johnson has the potential to be an intriguing spoiler. He’s got to be fuming blowing his final against James Scott, and with his ability he’s the perfect candidate for a redemption arc. Whatever happens, this is going to be unpredictable and must-see all the way.

You’re forgetting about Raeya Linton.

Byakuren Hijiri on a cracker, why do black girls so consistently screw the pooch here?? I was there when Florence-Griffith Joyner and Simone Biles blew the roof off the stadium! I grew up with the paradigm-crushing, continent-moving career of Serena Williams! The WNBA is well into its third decade! I know that good black female athletes exist! Why hasn’t there ever been one in ANWJ? Whyyyyyy???

[DKW]

In my defense, pretty much everyone else has as well.

(Oh, and when you quote a post, make sure to delete everything except the part you want. Having to read my recaps once is punishing enough.)

[DKW]

Open to sounds of heavy breathing.

“Listen closely. That’s the beating of your heart in your chest.”

And we’re off to yet another flying start… :rolleyes:

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK B PLAYOFFS

I don’t know about you, but I’m just glad I’ll never have to talk about this royally pathetic bunch again after today. This has been the polar opposite of a Group of Death. Hell, I’m tempted to call it a “Group of Immortality”.

For second time in as many playoffs, Eyes calls the 9-10 wild card match a “showdown”, which is appropriate as it pits the upper-body aptitude of Homestar Runner (Zay Maningo) versus the agility and course sense of a wagon full of pancakes (Noah Daul). Yeah, this one’s probably going to be either really dreadful or completely one-sided, and just once I’d like someone in this group to pleasantly surprise me. Pretty please? I won’t hold it against you, promise!

Okay, Daul’s nickname is Goliath, meaning that Bodge had to do The Unbelievably Obvious Ten-Miles-Underground Fruit Cliche, and I’m rooting for him to lose so I don’t have to suffer through that anymore. :mad: (I bet Flip Rodriguez would beat him pretty easily! ;))

= Wild card match 1: Zay Maningo vs. Noah Daul =
Daul has quicker feet and is slightly ahead through one. At the dipper, Maningo still has nerves after his Exhibition blunder and takes a while to get going. Daul gets through first but lands clumsily, and Maningo remains in striking distance. Now the walls, where…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

Down goes Daul! Down goes Daul! Two steps from the end his right foot slips out! Maningo gets through without batting an eye, and just like that the upset is in the books. Man, I didn’t really think I’d get my wish this soon! Thanks, dumb luck!

Albatross gives some advice to Nathaniel Honvou. Shot of the other mentors, Jessie Graff and Drew Dreschel. Do they get paid the same on a day with fewer matches?

Recap of Jake Scionti’s day. Astoundingly, Eyes says he’s ready to “flex on the competition” without ever mentioning Jesse Labreck. Then a recap of Nathaniel Honvou which is…a bunch of sports cliches. Can we have a “total indifference” smiley?

= First round match 1: Nathaniel Honvou vs. Jake Scionti =
Scionti gets on the dipper first but Honvou has the cleaner dismount, and it’s dead even after two. And its…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

…a rather unsettling trend as Scionti…who, you’ll recall, got through Spider Walls three times last week without the tiniest trouble…loses his left foot three steps from the end, and he’s all wet. Man, beating up on three bungling halfwitted klutzes didn’t prepare him for playoff pressure at all, did it? :rolleyes::mad:

Recaps of Charlie Ball and Zay Maningo, and man, you can practically smell the desperation emanating off of Eyes and Bodge. This is what I’m now referring to as the Third Time’s The Worst match, a uniquely ANWJ2 phenomenon where: 1. whoever or whatever is in charge of prelim matchups puts the two hopeless contestants and two non-hopeless contestants against each other in the freaking exhibitions, 2. the loser of the non-hopeless goes on to pulverize whichever bum he gets in the real 3. and gets a rematch against the other non-hopeless in the final, which he loses 4. but still makes the playoffs as a wildcard 5. whereupon he faces the same boy who already beat him twice and is really feeling the creeping doom now. Let’s get one thing straight: The one that won the two is going to win the third a huge, huge majority of the time. If it’s a rubber match, with a 1-1 split leading up to it, it can be a huge thrill. If it’s 2-0, it’s pretty much a noisy waste of time. Yes, I know what happened to Bella Palmer. She’s a choke-prone girl who choked. I doubt Ball is going to be so charitable. I mean, listen to the announcers, how halfhearted their horse race narrative is.

Oh, profile: Maningo competes with his brother. Neat-o.

= First round match 2: Charlie Ball vs. Zay Maningo =
Nope… nope… nope… nope… nope, world not turning upside-down, strike three you’re out. On the plus side, Maningo got the FAAAASTEEEEEST TIIIIIIME of all the contestants who got their souls run through a car compactor! :mad:

And now both Bodge and Arr say “who wants it more” in the same minute! We go right into the wild card match…whereupon Bodge says that Andreas Johnson has “sneaky speed” :eek: What the…what is this, National Sports Cliche Day?? Are we making up for March Madness being cancelled or something??

= Wild card match 2: Andreas Johnson vs. Rebekah Cornwall =
You remember Rebekah Cornwall, don’t you? That lightning bolt who split a series against the powerful Sienna Perez? Well, Andreas Johnson is no Sienna Perez, falling so far behind he’s barely at the start of Wing Nuts when Cornwall has nearly dismounted. World stubbornly remains right side up; favorites continue rampaging along.

Eyes reminds us that the 11-12 playoffs are in “full effect”, which I’m assuming means that there won’t be a waiweewuwwawei. I’m thankful for that, so I’ll excuse his usual non sequitur spewage.

Profile of Sienna Perez. Her weirdo quirky talent is catching food in her mouth. We hardly have these type of profiles anymore, so I can’t really judge this. Ooh, she should catch a piece of pie in her mouth and one-up Molly Haywood! Recap of Hunter Rowland, who’s “undefeated”, and I’m thinking today is going to end in a lot of tears for her. (Strength of schedule, people! Strength! Of! Schedule!)

= First round match 3: Sienna Perez vs. Hunter Rowland =
Rowland gets hung up on the dipper net and gives up ground, she gives up a lot more ground on Tilt Ladders when Perez dismounts from the third rung, and that’s the living end of her pitiful pretensions of beating this girl. (Told ya! ;))

Postmatch announcer shoutfest! Perez is really glad to be here, while Rowland is doing her best to stay positive. (So am I, even if may not seem like it sometimes.)

James Scott! While other competitors focus on pure speed, Scott’s strategy is to have a bungling choking nimrod as his opponent! :rolleyes: I can’t take any more of this…

= First round match 4: Rebekah Cornwall vs. James Scott =
Next! Cornwall leaves her pitiful foe completely in the dust for…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

:eek: … :mad: … :eek: … :mad::eek: … :mad::eek::mad::eek::mad::eek::mad:

(Do not scream… do not scream… blood pressure… do not scream… voice can only take so much… do not scream… calm… calm… you can do this… again… do… not… scream…)

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. :mad: And this day was going so well. :mad: Yep, you guessed it, Cornwall, flying high after getting the best 11-12 wildcard time and convincingly dispatching Andreas Johnson, decided to get overconfident, with the result being that she fricking didn’t… :mad::smack: she didn’t get the right side of the dipper bar on the track, with drearily predictable results. So what’s her excuse, huh? Pressure? What pressure? She had Scott outmatched 10 ways from Las Vegas. Over and over again I see girls (and it is overwhelmingly girls) shine in prelims and then get to the playoffs and completely lay an egg. I mean, once or twice a season isn’t a problem, but when it happens over and over and over and OVER AND OVER, it’s just absolutely crushing.

And guess what! Now there’s no reason to watch the Perez/Scott quarterfinal! Either Perez is going to win in a squash that makes an 80’s WWF Saturday jobber match look like the Rumble in the Jungle, or she’s going to go full-on panty-wetting choking crying jag baby girl mode and send YET ANOTHER grossly undeserving boy to the money round. Choose your poison, savage boredom or soul-wrenching agony!

I was really looking forward to that rubber match, goddammit.

And just to cap off this thermonuclear disaster, Scott hits the buzzer and howls. Howls. There’s pretty much zero chance of it not being soul-wrenching agony, isn’t there? :mad:

Oh, yeah, 13-14, where we see whether Blake Feero or Kaden Lebsack will be screwed out of a payday! :mad: Sheesh, I’ve never seen an episode of any reality show go from 100 to completely in the toilet this fast. I’ll just skim through the preliminary froofraw just to see that the first three matches are going absolutely 100% textbook chalk abandon-all-hope-ye-who-enter-here. Yep… yep… y…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

:eek: HOLY MOTHER OF ALICE MARGATROID… HOW… :eek::eek::eek:

Okay, for starters, the wild card match was a romp, as expected. Emma Liskey did what she could but never had a prayer against Kaden Lebsack. Then Isaiah Thomas stepped up to be the next victim of Blake Feero. Thomas ran his heart up but just couldn’t keep up…until Feero completely missed the Sky Hooks trampoline and tumbled into the water. No, really, that’s exactly what happened, he ran like a champion through 22 obstacles and then turned into Sport Goofy. (In the postmatch bull session, he claimed that “I caught one of my feet”, whatever the hell that means.) Dreschel gamely does his best hard-luck-old-boy, but this is a million dollar winner (and a $100,000 winner before that) and you know he has to be fuming at having to cover for this loser.

Well now. Right after a mind-blowing blunder by a favorite completely wrecks the drama of the 11-12 quarters, another one breathes new life into 13-14! Up until now Lebsack had the Liu Xun role, the super-talent who was doomed to never win anything meaningful because he kept getting thrown up against the one opponent who had his number. But with Feero taking a dive, Lebsack’s fate is completely in his hands. Meanwhile, Thomas, who was largely a darkhorse up to the fateful Feero match, is riding a huge wave now and will be a beast in quarters no matter who he faces. Better lucky than good, I say! Or rather, better lucky-good than lucky-bad! Yes, lucky-bad is a thing, we just saw it in 11-12, dammit!

= First round match 6: Kaden Lebsack vs. Addy Herman =
Lebsack leaves another doomed girl breathing fumes, and for the first time in his ANWJ career, he has a winning record!

Side note - We did get to see something which could turn out to be The Move, reaching out to the second ring on Sky Hooks immediately after making the first ring jump. Sky Hooks is by far the most time-consuming and technically tricky part of 13-14 course, and if he can consistently save time here, he’s going to be super hard to beat.

= Quarterfinal match 1: Charlie Ball vs. Nathaniel Honvou =
All right. This is it. No more cement-footed girls, no more addlebrained boys, no more punks, no more stumblebums. It’s the cream against the cream now. Let’s do this.

Ball slightly ahead after one. Both get through the dipper smoothly, and Ball maintains a small lead. Ball charges thr…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA… [takes deep breath] [oh, screw it, you get the picture] What happened was that Ball reached too far ahead on the walls, his right foot gave out, and that’s ballgame. Look, I know you’re supposed to go fast, but when you successfully navigate an obstacle four times, I think that’s plenty long enough to get a feel for how fast you can go, how hard you can push it, how much margin for error you have. This is completely unforgivable.

Nathaniel Honvou claws his way out of the postapocalyptic wreckage of Block B to punch his ticket to the big dance. I won’t say he’s undeserving…all right, he probably didn’t deserve this, but as a famous fictional character once said, “deserve got nuthin’ to do with it,” and never has that been more true than in ANWJ. Who knows, if he gets two more opponents who are nearly as bad as Daniel Woods, he just might be hoisting the trophy in the end.

= Quarterfinal match 2: James Scott vs. Sienna Perez =
Scott has slightly quicker feet on the steps but stumbles a bit on the climb to the dipper, and Perez takes the lead. Perez is through the dipper cleanly, while Scott takes a long time to get the bar set and is well behind. Perez makes her way through the first ladder, while Scott… finds an extra gear and catches up! With his opponents flopping all over the place, we never got to see just how good he truly was, and as it turns out, it’s mighty good! He reaches for the…oops, whiffed, and Perez sets up another 3rd-runger. Scott recovers quickly but is slow on the dismount and is soon an obstacle behind. Perez is now two simple transitions and a dismount from crushing victory. She’s on the first. Scott goes flying on the first, and Perez is on the second…and she’s struggling! Scott finds his rhythm, and…THEY’RE ON THE LAST NUT AT THE SAME TIME! :eek: This is wild! Scott is through playing around; now he’s unleashed the BEAST! He’s about to dismount first…oh, oh, his body got twisted around and he needs another swing. Both dismount at the same time! OOTDIA! SHOOTOUT AT THE WALL! THEY’RE UP!!..AND!!..as has been the difference-maker so many times, Perez gets on her feet faster and hits the buzzer first.

Damn! In a day which already had a roller coaster’s worth of turns and dips and chills, we just got hit by another one… this match actually turned out to be good! Best of the day, in fact! All the credit in the world to Perez for gutting out a clutch win, but kudos as well to Scott for picking the best possible time to show us how good he really is. He definitely had a chance; just a couple fewer hiccups and he would’ve had it in the bag. Wow. Thanks, kids. I needed this.

I don’t like Perez’s chances in the final day. She’s not the kind of athlete who gets stronger as the event progresses, and I’m pretty sure she hit her peak in the quarters. But she’s a tough, gutsy, ice-veined girl who isn’t afraid of anyone, and as such it’s impossible not to root for her. Fight ‘till you can’t fight no more, champ!

= Quarterfinal match 3: Kaden Lebsack vs. Isaiah Thomas =
Lebsack in the lead after two. Lebsack still in the lead after three. No change on the blocks, and Lebsack is on the first ring. He does that same 1-2 move on the rings, and Thomas…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

Probably fitting that the day would end like this. Thomas is on the first ring… and then he’s off it. Just loses the handle, just like that, no muss, no fuss.

The championship has now officially become Kaden Lebsack’s to lose, and unless something truly monumental emerges from Group C or D, it’s hard to envision any result other steamrolling all the way to the top.

(“From the brink of elimination”. Jeeziz. Hey, Eyes, I got a nickname for you! “Nonsequiturcopia”! :rolleyes:

Block B semifinallists: Nathaniel Honvou, Sienna Perez, Kaden Lebsack

Triple phew. Good episode? Bad episode? Let’s just say eventful and call it a day. Nobody talk to me for a while.

[DKW]

Okay, I know my tone’s been…harsh throughout Block B, and excessive negativity is something none of us particularly needs right now, so I promise to make an effort to be a little more open-minded. Less wailing and gnashing of teeth over dumb matchups or inexplicable Little Dipper screwups or macho posturing. It is what it is, and what it isn’t is worth ranting about every week. Okay? Okay. We still got halfway to go; plenty of time for something impressive to happen.

Preview is about this event’s ongoing freakish nickname obsession. I don’t recall this ever being a thing in any other sport, not even MMA. A cynic would say it’s to make up for almost nobody being paid anything, but…yeah, that’s probably it, sorry folks, drive home safely.

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK C PRELIMS, DAY 1

Bodge crows about last week’s playoffs and “Talk about these races coming down to the wire.” As I recall, there was one really close one (a very pleasant surprise), and pretty much everything else was a curbstomp or throwaway. It really sucks being a good soldier sometimes.

“You remember Brynli Smith from season 1?” Eh, I dunno, Eyes, all those endless hijillions of Tic Toc screwups kind of ran together for me. :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 1: Jax Neubauer vs. Brynli Smith =
Smith takes the early lead but takes a while to get through the dipper, and Neubauer catches up. They’re nearly even on the wall, Smith retaking a tiny lead. No development on the blocks, and Smith is the first on the first swinging bar pair. Both kids are having trouble getting a rhythm going, and Smith is able to dismount first. Just the wall left…and no sweat, Smith gets up, over, and on.

Bodge: “Hey Brynli, you don’t lose the first race, do you?” Geez, given how her first ANWJ ended, that’s definitely not what I would’ve asked her. (It’s to the credit to this event’s truly impressive security detail that I didn’t hear anyone yell “No, she loses the last one!”)

Shots of mentors Albatross, Jessie Graff, and Drew Dreschel. Dreschel is giving advice to last 13-14’s champion Vance Walker, an unenviable task if there ever was one. What the heck do you tell a boy who’s entering his peak rebellion years and has already proven himself?

Trinity Rocho lives in a mobile home, and I’m pretty sure I heard this exact same humdrum story last season. It’s a tight fit for six people, but of course daring to suggest that a couple should take measures to not pop out so many babies if their resources are in any way limited is total anathema, so we just get a bunch of uberboring tripe about travel. Whatever. :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 2: Everett Lee vs. Trinity Rocho =
A fairly slow pace and it’s even after one, and that’s all the action we’d get as Lee whiffs on the dipper net and falls in. Oh well they can’t all be classics etc.

= Real 1: Everett Lee vs. Brynli Smith (3WA) =
A really tight one until Lee stumbled out of the blocks; Smith took the lead and never looked back.

Jax Neubauer is a magician, which means that once his ANW stint ends, he can go on America’s Got Talent and not win any money there either! (Although I hope he doesn’t. I mean, I’m not cruel or anything.)

= Real 2: Jax Neubauer vs. Trinity Rocho =
Neubauer’s has slower feet again and Rocho takes the early lead. Rocho goes down the dipper…and falls flat on her back! For a second it looked like her foot got caught in the net, but it’s fine. She takes a while to recover, and Neubauer surges ahead. Rocho makes another move on the wall, she goes too fast…YIIIEEEE!! :eek:…and she saves it! She retakes the lead on the blocks, but Neubauer right there, and it’s TOTDIA time! Again both are struggling; their form is off and they can’t keep momentum. But Rocho executes just a little better and dismounts first. She’s up the wall, in the gaps…and she struggles badly! Here comes Neubauer!..and he struggles badly as well. Rocho wins by an arm.

Damn, there was some good competition in 9-10 today! Guess the producers burned through all the horrifying incompetence in Block B! Gotta pace yourselves, guys!

Benjamin Anfinson does a bunch of stuff, including drawing superhero comics. All I got to say is that I’d much rather see more of those comics than hear him having idiotic conversations with defective robots. Yeesh.

= Exhibition 3: Jordan Carr vs. Benjamin Anfinson =
Carr has a slight lead after two. Carr manages a 3rd frontender while Anfinson has to go further, and this one’s all but finished. Carr gets sideways on the nuts and Anfinson closes the gap, but it’s not enough; Carr dismounts first, and Anfinson’s last hope perishes when he fails to get up the wall.

= Exhibition 4: Carson Dean vs. Julia Marcus (3WA) =
Ugh. Never like it a contestant’s first match gets the bum’s rush, especially since it’s always someone else’s fault. Dean rolled all the way to the buzzer.

Jordan Carr is a competitive climber. She’s been climbing since she was 1, which is apparently the magic age for this sort of thing. She’s so hardcore she once competed with a cast on. Yeaahhhh…not looking forward to her being in the regular contest.

= Real 3: Julia Marcus vs. Jordan Carr =
And the You’re Supposed To Put Both Ends On The Track, Stupid! Club gains its newest member as Marcus…wait for it…wait for it…pulled the right side of the bar clean off and took the short way down. I imagine it must be crushing to learn that you were brought on the show just to make the other contestants look good.

Carson Dean is severely hearing impaired. Given who’s in the booth, that might be a good thing. (No, that wasn’t a joke, whatever gave you that idea?)

= Real 4: Benjamin Anfinson vs. Carson Dean =
Dean is clearly the better athlete and exploits his advantage to the full, but runs into trouble on the ladders; he has to go all the way to the end before dismounting. Anfinson runs his heart out but can’t close the gap. To the nuts we go, and for a moment it looks like Anfinson has better form and might pull off the upset, but Dean makes two transitions with surprising speed and is off to the races. Dang, we’re seeing some gutsy, hard-working athletes do their best and just get beaten out. We need some kind of seeding system last year, never mind yesterday!

You’re never normal, Bodge, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

Kicking off 13-14 are Caleb Brown and Vance Walker. Brown, you’ll recall, was on track to win last year’s 11-12 until his one fatal mental error, while Walker did, in fact, win it all with an impressive clutch performance against Nate Pardo. Were there so many superstars that the producers weren’t able to spread them out among four Blocks? Given that Devan Alexander made it, I have my doubts.

Oh, look, the profile is painting Walker as a big underdog! Why? Cue Acceptable Story! :smack: Yeah, when he was 18 months old, he had cerebral palsy and needed braces to walk! Yeah, funny how properly diagnosed and treated medical conditions get better, huh? :rolleyes: Hey, did I tell you about how sleep apnea nearly derailed my career? Sure it was years ago, but that story never gets old! Mainly because it never was worth telling in the first place! :rolleyes:

= Exhibition 5: Caleb Brown vs. Vance Walker =
A quick pace, with Brown having the edge after three. At this level of competition, your first mistake is often your last; can he keep it up? Brown is a bit awkward on the blocks, and it’s all knotted up going to the first ring! Count with me! 1-1, 2-2, 2-…no, 3-3…and Walker just has a little more horsepower and edges out his foe. Keep gunning for that wildcard, champ!

Arr grills Walker about motivation, and he says some stuff about living up to the title and whatnot. Also “I can’t lose the first race”. Um, look, I know you’re fired up and all, but…the first race? Dude, priorities. Look at where Devan Alexander and Kaden Lebsack are now.

On to the final exhibition of the day, featuring…two girls. Normally this is the point where I slap my forehead hard enough to cause a temporary blackout, but these girls have impressive physiques…just look at those arms! Then again, we’ve seen killer physiques stink up the joint a lot more than they should. All in all, there’s a much better than zero chance that one of them is going to make the final. Maybe. Just maybe. Fingers crossed.

Ceri Evans designs her own clothing! I bet that saves a lot of money!

= Exhibition 6: Addison Mason vs. Ceri Evans =
Mason has a slight lead after one, then they both take a loooooong time to get started on the dipper; Mason stays ahead. Neither has quick feet, and it’s even going into the hang bars. Both dismount at the same time. Pretty much the same story on the blocks, and…

RRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!! :mad::mad::mad::smack::mad: (Sheesh, almost made it through the whole episode without a mad…) They’re at the start of Sky Hooks, Mason looks at the first ring, and she backs off. WHYYYY DOOOO GIIRRLLLSSS DOOOO THIIIISSSSSSS??? What the hell are you here for, the fresh Los Angeles air?? :smack::smack::mad:

And then of course we have the absolutely perfect capper, Evans getting through at a snail’s pace en route to meekly falling off the third ring, Mason struggling mightily with the concept of “forward”, making a leap for the third ring, and immediately surrendering it and plummeting. All that arm muscle and neither of them could even complete the obstacle? Arrrghghbllghgglh…:smack:

Well, there’s yet another pair of bumbling girls capable of doing nothing but disappointing, and whaddya know, we get yet another Feero/Lebsack situation where it means jumping jack squat who wins the final because the other is 100% guaranteed to get a wild card spot and approximately 99.999% guaranteed to absolutely liquefy whatever sacrificial lamb gets lined up against him in the wild card match. Haaaah. Per usual, I’m not going to waste your time pretending that the any of this is worth wasting one keystroke covering, but would like to state for the record that Mason’s profile was completely about her father, which was both pathetic and completely understandable. Walker wins, what an inspirational yada yada etc.

= 9-10 final: Brynli Smith vs. Trinity Rocho =
Even through one. They head down the dipper at the same time…and again Rocho ends up on her back with a foot in the net! What’s that old saying about consistency being good only if you’re not a screwup? Both girls are running hard and setting a brisk pace, with Smith maintaining her lead through the blocks. She’s the first to…and you will not believe what happens. SHE FRICKING PAUSES AND WAITS AT THE START OF FLYING SQUIRREL. :mad::smack::mad: PLEEEEASSEEE REEEFERRRR TOOOOOO EXXXHIIIIBIIITIIOONNN SIIIIIXXXXXXX!!! :MAD: Argh! And then the perfect ending, as Rocho is so slow on the swing bars that she completely fails to capitalize on this break, giving Smith an easy win.

Postmatch interview where Smith cites how much more confident she is this season, which it sure as hell didn’t look like at Flying Squirrel. Just try not to embarrass yourself in playoffs, okay?

= 11-12 final: Carson Dean vs. Jordan Carr =
I like this type of final, where both competitors won both their matches but you still don’t know just how good they really are. That means it promises to be an exciting race where anything can happen.

Dead even after one; they both have fast feet. Dean pulls the trigger first on the dipper and takes the lead. He sets a good pace on the first ladder but takes a while to make the transition, while Carr makes it right away. But she gets a bit wile as Dean does a nice 3rd dismount. Carr takes way too long to dismount and gives up a big lead, and it gets worse as she stumbles out of the blocks. Dean now has a full nut advantage…but he loses speed for some strange reason, and Carr gets on the second nut. Dean finally gets swinging again and makes the second trans…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

And just like that, another great match gets deep-sixed. I don’t know what happened; Dean looked like he had good momentum and just plain messed up the grab. Carr, still on the second nut, does exactly the right thing, making absolutely sure her hands are right on the second transition and then building up a nice big swing for the dismount.

C1 qualifiers: Brynli Smith, Jordan Carr, Vance Walker

Well, I tried. Some better matches, at least. Keep watching, keep hoping.

[DKW]

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK C PRELIMS, DAY 2

Some movie thing with flagrant misuse of the word “epic” (I wouldn’t even call NvN epic, and it’s a helluva lot closer than ANWJ), a girl in a black bikini jumping in a lake, and one of the extremely few sugar finishes we’ve actually had. Can we have a “meh” emoticon? I’m starting to think it’s time.

Jeremy Lauff loves a certain animal, and you’ll never guess what it is! Cheetahs. Y’know, because they’re not native to America or anything.

= Exhibition 1: Jeremy Lauff vs. Kaela Gerson =
Gerson adjust her grip on the dipper bar for some reason and gives up the lead. Then…oh dear. She doesn’t have enough arm strength to do Spider Walls properly, so she has to do this awkward push left-cross and push right-push left-cross and push right with her left arm. Resourceful, I’ll admit, but way slow, and it’s going to be an easy win for Lauff if he doesn’t mess up. Gerson stumbles out of the walls and stumbles again on the first block, and this is getting painful. Lauff, although taking a long time to make the transitions on the swing bars, gets through, and…he falls flat on his face on the runup to the wall! Man, I’ve seen contestants get tripped up here, but this was a total wipeout! Now he needs to pick himself up, brush himself off, and make sure his wheels are there for second attempt…and of course, he rushes it and comes up short of the first notch. Thankfully, Gerson brings this match to a merciful end by coming up short on the first transition (she took a helluva long time to pull the trigger, I might add) and dropping. Please, Sagume, let there not be two completely predictable reals yet again. You can help by saying “Both reals are certainly going to be highly predictable!” or something.

Bars tells Gerson to keep her knees to her chest or something. Ever get the impression that these mentors are secretly rooting for these also-rans to completely flub the real so they don’t have to deal with them anymore? Shots of fellow ‘ol boy hard-luckers Grant McCartney and Meagan Martin. Whoa, I’m pretty certain that girl is actually taller than Martin. :eek:

Payton Myler had a pretty good ANWJ1 as girls went, winning her prelim before losing in the first round of playoffs. She’s been busy since, touring Swaziland on a spread-the-word tour. Nothing really noteworthy, but from where I stand, a white girl learning to treat black kids as friends can’t be anything but a good thing.

= Exhibition 2: Payton Myler vs. Carter Samuel =
Myler has better form on the dipper while Samuel takes longer and doesn’t get his feet up on the landing area, and Myler takes the lead. Which she’d have for good as Samuel used his superior muscle to good effect on the walls but, as we’ve seen several times before, got too aggressive and paid the price in the water. Replay shows it was the left foot that went astray.

Eyes immediately crows about how Myler is “baaaaaack”, which is a tad insulting to her for reasons I’ve explained previously and pretty much just nails on a chalkboard to the rest of the planet. :mad:

= Real 1: Carter Samuel vs. Jeremy Lauff (3WA) =
An even match on paper. Unfortunately, that paper soon became unreadable by all the water kicked up after Lauff yanked the left side of the dipper bar clean off. At this rate, by the end of the season the You’re Supposed To Put Both Ends On The Track, Stupid! Club is going to need festival seating.

And that’ll do it for all the 9-10 matches that we aren’t as predictable as the Pope’s religion. (Oh, profile: Gerson skateboards. Gnarly. :rolleyes:) Moving on to…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

:eek::smack: Ho-lee crap… :eek: Ugggggghhhhhh… :smack: AGAAIINNNNN!! :mad: Crap. :smack:

= Real 2: Kaela Gerson vs. Payton Myler =
Gerson, against all sense, won when Myler didn’t keep the right blah blah and an obstacle that she had no blah blah blah and she look so confident blah blah and Gerson looked even more ridiculous on the Walls, which blah blah and it’s yet another double steal, which is a testament to the enormous blah blah blah and who’s willing to put money that Samuel blah blah blah by the end of the season the You’re Supposed To blah. I haven’t quite suffered the same fate as this poor soul, but I’m getting close.

Moving on. Benjamin Rutledge’s family owns a farm.

INSTA-POLL: WILL THIS BE ONE SUBATOMIC PARTICLE DIFFERENT FROM ANY OF THE OTHER FARM BOY/GIRL PROFILES?
HELL NO | THIS IS ONE OF THOSE ASININE “BUT THOU MUST” THINGS, ISN’T IT?

= Exhibition 3: Benjamin Rutledge vs. Jack David =
Wow, I bet Rutledge is really fond of ducks, given how he waddled through Shrinking Steps before diving into the water after missing the Little Dipper net. (I’m sorry, my sense of humor gets somewhat decalibrated when I’m watching dispiriting reality TV.)

= Exhibition 4: Lexi Vasquez vs. Cassidy Short (3WA) =
And our latest exhibition waiweewuwwawei. Not exactly hyped up for the level of competition today. Nor should I have been, as Short made it down the dipper just fine and then fribbin’ lost the handle and took a cold bath. I am now firmly convinced that Ring of Fire wasn’t the problem, Tick Tock wasn’t the problem, Tic Toc wasn’t the problem, all these worthless choking bums were, are, and forever will be the problem.

Jack David plays competitive basketball and has NBA ambitions. Oooooh. As jocks go, he has the right idea (i.e. make money), but it is damn hard to get into the National Basketball Association. There simply are so few positions and roster slots (combined with a merciless salary cap) that you have to be the best of the best of the best of the best to have any kind of career there. He’ll definitely have to give up cheesy obstacle course racing at some point if he’s serious about this.

= Real 3: Cassidy Short vs. Jack David =
Even after one. Short is understandably tentative on the dipper after her first dunking, and David pulls ahead. Short makes a clean grab this time and is only slightly behind at the ladder. David makes it across the first ladder…and is having trouble with the transition! Short makes it through seamlessly…and a lot faster!..ooh, but needs to take rungs while Short dismounts from the 3rd and retakes the lead. Short dashes through the blocks but falls coming out, and he’s first to the nuts by only a couple seconds. Upper-body duel…dashed in short order as Short can’t build up speed for the first transition and briefly feels the front of the second nut before splashing down. A much better contest than I thought it would be, but you’re not going to make it far in this game if you find the water every time.

Lexi Vasquez trains with Bars!

INSTA-POLL: WILL A STAR MENTOR GIVE HER ONE MORE FEMTOGHOST OF A CHANCE THAN IT EVER HAS ANYONE ELSE?
HELL NO | WAIT, WHAT DOES “FEMTO” MEAN AGAIN? THOUSANDTH? IT’S THOUSANDTH, RIGHT?

= Real 4: Benjamin Rutledge vs. Lexi Vasquez =
Vasquez has faster feet on the steps but Rutledge pulls the trigger faster on the dipper. Both make it through safely and are even going to the walls. Still pretty even through the first ladder, but Rutledge finds an extra gear on the second and pulls ahead! Both have to go to the end before dismounting, Rutledge exiting first. On the blocks…

** SPLOOOOSHH **

…Rutledge further strengthens the case for some kind of qualifying system, as he completely loses it on the 4th block and falls off the 6th. Who the hell blows it on Block Run in the real? Vasquez graciously accepts another freebie and gracelessly does something on the wall which Eyes calls “dancing”. :rolleyes: I dance better than that.

On to what is rapidly becoming the undisputed best part of the program, 13-14. The opener is between returnees Ella McRitchie and Abby McGuire. (It’s nice to see competitors who have a much lower chance of stinking up the joint, but I don’t want this event clogged with ringers. For now, I’m on the fence.) McGuire wasn’t too successful, but McRitchie made waves by 1. being incredibly tall, 2. winning a lot, 3. finishing an astonishing 3rd place and taking home plenty of cash for her trouble, and 4. did I mention she’s REALLY SUPER FREAKING TALL?? All right, what fighting words does she have for her sophomore outing?

“My goal this season is to win.”

Ummmmmmm… :dubious: Well, you know what they say…the bigger…the…ah, screw it.

= Exhibition 5: Ella McRitchie vs. Abby McGuire =
McRitchie is the first down the dipper but gets her foot caught in the net…only briefly, but enough for McGuire to catch up. McRitchie makes the most of her longer arms on the hang bars and stays ahead. No change on the blocks, and now McGuire is running out of space to catch up. They set virtually the same pace though the first three motions; now all McRitchie has left is the final dismount and final dash. She commits…ooh, right on the edge, but she stays dry! This one’s ov…SHE MISSES ON THE WALL! It looked like she got lackadaisical and made her reach too soon! Can you even imagine an athlete of her caliber ever making a blunder like this? McGuire dismounts! They’re even at the start of the runup! Are we finally going to have a sugar finish? They’re up…and McRitchie falls again! McGuire doesn’t, and the upset bid is complete. My word, who would’ve thought this would end in a Heaven and Hell!

Meanwhile, McRitchie whiffs on her third attempt, and it’s clear that something is very wrong with her. Martin promptly tries to console her by telling her that she’s “second”. Martin, you’re a dear, but right now she’s way worse than second…as in dead in the water. I’ll spell it out: no finish, no wildcard. She has exactly one match to fix what isn’t working and get her everything in gear, or she’s going to be the next Collin Cella.

Arr grills McRitchie on her wall woes, whereupon she claims that “my feet just kept slipping”.

Josiah Pippel is the tallest competitor this season (5’ 11”) and…likes reptiles. Uhhhhh…I hope that means he’s not a…turtle…yeah, I got nothing.

= Exhibition 6: Josiah Pippel vs. Trey Williamson =
A brisk pace through two, with Pippel taking the lead after simply ducking under the net. No change on the hang bars…and then Pippel LEAPS across blocks, and just like that he’s a full obstacle ahead. Williamson finds water at the end of the blocks and nearly goes in, and that’s it for this as a contest. Man, Pippel is nimble for a big boy!

= Real 5: Ella McRitchie vs. Josiah Pippel (3WA) =
Oh, geez. Nothing to make you feel tiny like going up against a tower like Pippel. The smartest thing for her would be to forget about her opponent and treat this like a time trial. Which is pretty much how it turned out; McRitchie ran hard and actually gained some ground on Crazy Cliffhanger, but once it got to Sky Hooks, Pippel’s agility slammed the door shut. On the bright side, it seemed that the shoe change worked for McRitchie…see, that’s why you TEST those things! :)…and she was able to get up on the first crack and hit the buzzer, getting that all-important wildcard time. Bodge immediately shouts that she’s a contender for the wildcard.

Time out for a cornball feature, the ANWJ Talent Show! Geez, if you have time for fluff filler like this, maybe use it to show one of the damn matches you threw into waiweewuwwaweiland? :mad: I made it all of five seconds before getting completely sick to my stomach.

= Real 6: Trey Williamson vs. Abby McGuire =
Getting back to what I thought this reality show was about…it’s an excellent matchup, with neither contestant able to pull away. McGuire’s quick feet give her a lead on the blocks but she falls at the end, and they’re knotted up on the first ring. Count with me, people! 1-0, 2-1, 2-2, 3-2, 3-3…4-3…but Williamson’s lost momentum! And McGuire one-times the third ring and is off first! Williamson dismounts, and we have an ootdia! They’re off! THEY’RE UP AT THE SAME TIME!..AND…AND…no sugar finish; Williamson takes way too long to pull himself over, and McGuire hits the buzzer while he’s still curled up at the top of the wall.

It’s our second no-rematch finals of the season, which means that everything’s completely up in the air. Even Pippel doesn’t look like a mortal lock anymore. Looks good! And I’ll take whatever “good” I can get from this show!

= 9-10 final: Carter Samuel vs. Kaela Gerson =
Even after two. Gerson does that same I-still-don’t-see-how-the-hell-this-works side-to-side traverse on the walls, and…she’s struggling? It looks like she’s running out of gas, and Samuel jumps to a big lead. Gerson falls coming out of the blocks and gives up even more ground. Samuel’s taking a lot of swings, and Gerson gets on the first bar pair…and stays there. Samuel finds his rhythm, dismounts, finds the notches, and drives a stake in this one, and Gerson’s final hope gets doused when she comes up well short of the dismount bar. Poor dear; just plain in over her head. Stop giving freebies to them in the real, dammit! :mad:

How much did Payton Myler’s bungle cost her? Her exhibition time of 56.35 was shy of Trinity Rocho’s (54.11) for the current #2 wildcard spot. Had she done her damn job against Gerson, at worst she would’ve had two more cracks at catching Rocho, one of which almost certainly would’ve succeeded since she was so close the first time. Head in the game, kids! Failure is not rewarded! Jax Neubauer still has the #1 spot with his 53.31, and his chances look better and better with each passing match.

= 11-12 final: Lexi Vasquez vs. Jack David =
Even after one. Vasquez let’s her focus waver on the dipper, enough to give David the lead. Vasquez is stronger on the ladders, but a more confident David does a 3rd dismount while Vasquez has to go a bit further, and David stays in front. David sprints through the blocks but stumbles very badly coming out, and Vasquez scoots right past him to the first nut. It’s a battle, folks! Both build up a lot of momentum, but Vasquez is a bit faster…makes the first transition first…then the second…and she’s off first! Just one to go…but she has a clumsy runup! :eek::smack: Of all the times! She somehow finds the notch but is hanging by her fingernails. David charges, gets much better speed, and is in and out of the notch. Can Vasquez get up in time? YES! Cue that Def Leppard song I’m not sure any of you actually want to hear! For once the athlete who made the final mistake was able to recover from it just in time to seal the deal! I am liking this gutsy girl a lot!

David’s 48.44 is good for #2 in the wildcard standings, while Carson Dean remains on top with 44.64. The other also-rans in this block have not looked impressive, to put it mildly, and there’s an excellent chance that both times are going to hold up. It may have reached the point where anyone who’s capable of beating 48.44 is going to win the day outright.

= 13-14 final: Abby McGuire vs. Josiah Pippel =
Pippel runs…Pippel traverses…Pippel runes…*oh, look, McGuire has caught up on the second ring!!..*Pippel dismounts…and it’s over. Dang, guess he really is that good.

McGuire’s second and last stint at ANWJ ends in the same disappointment as the first as her 44.13 is well short of Ella McRitchie’s 37.39. Caleb Brown, to no one’s surprise, is lonely at the top with 29.99.

C2 qualifiers: Carter Samuel, Lexi Vasquez, Josiah Pippel

It’s nice to be on vacation! Same time next week.

[DKW]

Today’s intro lesson: Live your own life and be whatever you want to be…so long as it involves being very nice and helping others. Naturally, I find this astoundingly heavy-handed and cynical…and I agree 100% with it. Look, boys, when you are earning your keep and taking responsibility for your actions, you can be whatever you want to be. Until then, watch your mouth, keep your hands to yourself, mind your own business, and show some goddam respect.

Good message. I approve.

AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK C PRELIMS, DAY 3

Is mediocre poetry really any worse than Bodge’s usual spewage, Eyes?

Owen Pham was going to compete last year, but…wait for it…wait for it…he got injured after falling off a bar. It was serious; he broke his left elbow badly enough to require surgery. Boy, it would be even more crushing if this Acceptable Story got derailed by him not making it out of today, wouldn’t it?

= Exhibition 1: Kali Pomerenke vs. Owen Pham =
Pham is a tick ahead going to the dipper but takes a while to dismount, and it’s all square after two. Pham has A SCARY MOMENT WHEN HIS LEFT FOOT GETS LOOSE ON THE WALL!!..but he recovers, and Pomerenke doesn’t have the muscle to capitalize. No development on the blocks, and the rest is boilerplate as Pham has better rhythm on the free bars and conquers the wall unchallenged. Pomerenke takes a long time to get up the wall. Yep, she’s cannon fodder.

Arr grills Pham about the recovery process, and it’s…textbook. Completely textbook. This event is becoming more conventional than college football.

Shots of Jessie Graff, Drew Dreschel, and Albatross.

Vincent Canales is a gymnast and the son of…Dominique Moceanu?? Holy cow, she didn’t just vanish off the planet after becoming the most overrated female athlete since Anna Kournikova, then butt-planting two straight vaults in the ’96 Atlanta women’s team all-around, the most embarrassing Olympic choke job I have seen in my goddam life, getting spoonfed a win in some stupid rigged exhibition, and then appearing in some cornball commercial? She gets to have a family? Man, there is no justice in this world, I tell you. :mad:

= Exhibition 2: Baylee Beckstrand vs. Vincent Canales =
Hold on… [looks up Beckstrand’s record] 0-2. Lovely. She proves that she definitely learned from her mistakes in the first go-around as she promptly collects her VIP pass for the You’re Supposed To Put Both Ends On The Track, Stupid! Club. Good Kanako, it sounds like Bodge is getting as sick of this crap as I am.

Remember, girls can do anything boys can, provided it doesn’t involve athletic ability! :rolleyes::smack:

= Real 1: Baylee Beckstrand vs. Owen Pham (3WA) =
Pham fell on the last two blocks but didn’t go down, and that was all she wrote for Beckstrand’s foolish ambitions. 0-4 now. Maybe someday she’ll be as elite a “veteran” as him! :rolleyes:

Kali Pomerenke is a dancer! Remember, they’re called “dance briefs”, not “panties”!

= Real 2: Kali Pomerenke vs. Vincent Canales =
Canales takes the early lead but gets nearly horizontal on the dipper net, while Pomerenke has smooth exit and takes the lead. But she’s really slow through the walls again, and Canales retakes the lead. No change on the blocks, and now it looks like the stronger Canales all but has this wrapped up. And it becomes completely academic when Pomerenke loses the handle on the first transition.

Damn, this was unexpected. The usual pattern when it comes to two weak, obvious no-hope girls and two boys who are all but a lock for the final is to pit the girls against each other in the exhibition so that one of them gets to taste the joy of victory. In light of this, crushing the illusions of both girls strikes me as needlessly harsh. While I personally think that it’s more honest and produces a more meaningful and exciting final, if you’re going to do it for Pomerenke and Beckstrand, do it for everybody. Playing atta-girl for nearly three-fourths of the competition and then suddenly switching to cold-blooded no-mercy reeks of hypocrisy, and ANW has enough faults as it is.

Wow, we’re moving fast today; straight to 11-12 with no commercial interruption. Shot of Nevaeah Masso, followed immediately by a man holding an infant (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, it’s her brother. ;)), and then opponent Emerson Hebel. Crowd shot, lots of extraordinarily repulsive-looking face cutouts. Just do a whole poster, guys; you’ll get more chances to get some part of her right. She turns to her fans and shouts “Hab faad, beema sebff, crashihhh!” If Mike Bernardo is watching, I hope he spared a “lezzzocreeblleeeehhhhh” just for her.

All right, profile…blech. Hebel play-acts being a teacher with stuffed animals. Whatever faults Bernardo may have, at least I’ve never considered him cringeworthy. She drones some stuff about teachers which will undoubtedly score her points with whatever school she’s in, which is good because she may be finding herself back there very soon, if you catch my drift.

= Exhibition 3: Nevaeh Masso vs. Emerson Hebel =
Ugh. Starts out slow and clumsy, then it gets incredibly slow and clumsy, and then slightly less slow and clumsy, and then somewhat more slow and clumsy, until Masso becomes so outrageously slow and clumsy that she can’t even make it to the end of the blocks. She looks a combination of bewildered and teary, which I suspect will shortly become a combination of “out” and “don’t let the door hit your butt on the way”. How do you MISS THE BLOCK, dammit?? :smack:

Little blurb about camaraderie and…holy crap, guess who’s stepping up in the second exhibition. Roberto Garemore and…Sean Arms. You remember Arms, don’t you? His opponents had about as much of prayer against him as a soda can has against a steamroller. He finished 2nd last year, and were it not for an inopportune mistake on Spin Cycle, he would’ve easily won it all. Putting him in this block is simply cruelty. The only reason I could think of is that UK was pitting best against worst, and that would mean that they’ve implemented some kind of intelligent seeding system, which I have seen zero evidence of to date.

Gah. I can’t do it. Sean freaking Arms is not going to face any opposition from Garemore, and the chances of him not making it to the playoffs are absolute zero. You know as well as I do exactly how this story ends. The only thing of note was a little drama involving Hebel being unwilling to compete against Garemore in the real and Garemore actually having to talk her into it. The announcers, of course, play this up as a big beautiful heartwarming tale instead of the savage indictment of the producers’ ability to find contestants who meet the rock-bottom bare minimum standard of freaking wanting to do this, goddammit. :mad:

Moving on to what will hopefully be a non-fait accompli (fait non-accompli?). Valerie Saavedra hails from Venezuela. Her family came to America to find better opportunities in life. It’s an old story, of course, and nowadays it sounds just plain bizarre to me now. It’s dawning on me how the non-screwed portion of the world seems to get smaller and smaller every year.

Nice shorts, though!

= Exhibition 5: Valerie Saavedra vs. Karen Potts =
Saavedra has a crisis of faith on the dipper…honey, I know there have been plenty of screwups here, but you can’t let fear take over!..and Potts takes a big lead. Which promptly becomes a much smaller lead as she minces across the hang bars, while Saavedra sets a more appropriate pace. Potts dismounts first and stutter steps across the blocks and falls hard at the end right on her face. She’s slow to recover, and Saavedra gets on the trampoline…flails her arms, and refuses to jump. Suwako’s hat, this is getting worse by the second. :mad: Potts barely manages to summon the very last of her strength and agility and brings this match to a merciful end. I’m getting some seriously nasty Natalie Duran vibes from Saavedra right now.

Is it too much to hope the last exhibition is between two complete scrubs? Is “hope” the right word? Well, no such luck as Josh Auer has just stepped up to the line. He made it to the round of 8 in 11-12 last year, and there’s no reason to believe he won’t continue to dominate. Shouldn’t fewer contestants translate to better competition??

Auer’s profile: “Bathrobe. Bathrobe bathrobe. Bathrobe…bathrobe? Bathrobe bathrobe bathrobe, BATHROBE bathrobe. Bathrobe, bathrobe!” :rolleyes: (And I thought Austin Gray had it bad…)

= Exhibition 6: Two boys who do a helluva lot better than Saavedra and Potts, leading to two more pathetically predictable reals that I completely lost all interest in sometime around March. Screw this and let’s just skip to the part that matters…=

= 9-10 final: Owen Pham vs. Vincent Canales =
All right, this is what it’s all about! Both looking good after one! On to…CANALES FALLS ON THE STEP LEADING UP TO THE DIPPER! I don’t remember ever seeing anything like this! Pham is cleanly through the dipper, Canales follows…and he falls on the exit! Pham is a little clumsy on the dismount from the walls but still has a slight lead going to the blocks. They’re both through cleanly, and Pham is the first to the free bars. And…that’s where Pham closes the door, making the first transition first, building up steam for the second, one-timing the dismount bar, and calmly making it official. Canales tries to rush the dismount and is rewarded with a cold plunge. A very nice day of work from the Vietnamese Velocitator! (No, I’m not seriously going to call him that, relax. :))

Canales’ 54.46 is just short of the #2 spot, meaning that it’s going to be Jax Neubauer and Trinity Rocho in the wildcard match. Both competed on the first day, which gives you some idea of just how stacked that day was.

= 11-12 final: Sean Arms vs. Roberto Garemore =
Geez. :rolleyes: Do I have to? :mad: Haaaaaahhh…FINE. Ahem. Even after one. Arms is slightly ahead on the dipper, gets caught up on the net a bit, but…Garemore surges past him? Uh, okay, they’re at the ladders…they’re even, Garemore makes the transition, and… :eek: DISMOUNTS FROM THE FIRST RUNG OF THE SECOND LADDER!! I don’t even remember the last time I saw that! No difference-make on the blocks, and Garemore is the first to the nuts! Arms is struggling, and that’s not a sentence I ever thought I’d be writing! Garemore makes the first transition! Arms makes the first! GAREMORE MAKES THE SECOND! ARMS MAKES THE SECOND! GAREMORE…

…can’t do it. Arms makes the final transition and one-times the dismount bar, taking the lead when it matters the most, and the wall is no object after that. In the end Arms proved that he’s no fluke, but plenty of credit to Garemore for making it vastly more interesting than I thought it would ever be! :):)

No consolation prize for him, regrettably, as his 51.55 puts him short of both Carson Dean and Jack David in the wildcard standings. Those boys were fast.

= 13-14 final: Josh Auer vs. Ryan Krauthamer =
Auer has a slight lead after two. Still nearly knotted up after the hang bars. Auer is the first to the blocks and races through. Now it’s on to the first ring…and…Krauthamer isn’t winning this. Nice fight, but just isn’t quite awesome enough. Always a tough way to lose.

Even tougher is being a few seconds short of Ella McRitchie’s time, which puts her and Caleb Brown in the wild card match. Dang, none of today’s also-rans were a factor at all.

C3 qualifiers: Owen Pham, Sean Arms, Josh Auer

Gah. Enough. Blocks A and B were excruciating; C was simply humdrum. Too many predictable results, too many cookie-cutter blunders. Let’s just move on to playoff prospects.

9-10: I’m quietly dreading this one. This group has been miserable all season, and I’m not seeing a great turnaround in Block C. I have the feeling that I’m being set up for a colossal disappointment here no matter what happens. Conventional wisdom says that Owen Pham is going to win handily, but we’ve seen contestants look impressive in prelims and flop like an entire netful of fish in playoffs. (They’re mostly girls, but still.) If you’re looking for a darkhorse candidate, Trinity Rocho is the ideal choice; that hard-fought win against Jax Neubauer is one of the highlights of the female contingent. Nonetheless, it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if Carter Samuel were to take this after his opposition chose this moment to turn into Dan Hibiki after ten beers. The way this season this gone, I almost have to expect it.

11-12: I’d love to scream my heart out for Lexi Vasquez, as she looks like the mentally tough girl this competition so desperately needs, but she very nearly blew it against Jack David, and experience has taught us that boys who lose tight ones turn it around. Sean Arms is as gutsy as ever, but today he looked like a AAA star getting his first taste of the majors and struggling. Jordan Carr caught a break and doesn’t look to be a factor. It looks like it’s coming down to Vasquez and whoever wins the Jack David/Carson Dean wildcard, which should be a really good one.

13-14: It’s going to be Vance Walker or Caleb Brown. Ideally they meet in the final; if we’re unlucky, one of them will go out like Blake Feero and the other will romp to semis. I’m not seeing any realistic prospect of any of the other three coming out on top. That’d be an upset on the magnitude of a Canadian team winning the NBA championship. It can happen…but it’s not supposed to happen.

[Huffleclaw]

His time in the final showdown was actually faster than Carson Dean, but he was disqualified for dismounting from one side on the second Wingnut.

No consolation prize for him, regrettably, as his 51.55 puts him short of both Carson Dean and Jack David in the wildcard standings. Those boys were fast.