Dang, that intro was even more predictable that what I’m desperately hoping the remainder of this contest won’t be.
AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR JUNIOR 2 - BLOCK C PLAYOFFS
No preview for the 9-10 wildcard, so I’d just like to point out that “only” is rapidly becoming the most abused word on this iteration of ANW, and we get another example as Eyes proclaims that Trinity Rocho won their first matchup by <<<ONLY>>> five seconds. Five seconds? You’re trying to blow off a spread like that? What do you think this is, a 10K run? Damn. :smack:
= Wild card match 1: Trinity Rocho vs. Jax Neubauer =
Even at the start. Neubauer hesitates at the start of Little Dipper, and Rocho slides ahead. Neubauer loses his footing on Spider Walls, makes a very pretty save, but loses even more ground. Rocho has bad form at the start of Flying Squirrel and Neubauer almost catches up, but it’s for naught as he splashes on the first transition.
Well, that was…to the point. Bars gives Brynli Smith some advice on Little Dipper. Shots of Grant McCartney and Meagan Martin.
Owen Pham is out for “redemption”! What kind of redemption, you ask? Elbow redemption, you fool! Carter Samuel plays hockey! And is probably not very good at it since the profile immediately segues to the “inspiration” fluff! This bullcrap is really short in playoffs, though, so I’m still reasonably happy! 
= First round match 1: Owen Pham vs. Carter Samuel =
And…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
…WHAT?? :eek::eek: Seriously, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??? :eek::eek::eek::eek: Samuel went down on Shrinking Steps! Nobody’s gone down on Shrinking Steps! Hell, nobody ever goes down on the first obstacle! At least nobody the selection committee (there is a selection process for this, right?) would ever give the time of day! Between this and Blake Feero’s foot fault, that’s two complete shockers that didn’t have me spitting out mads and smacks like a machine gun. Here’s to playoffs! 
Just watched it again with sound, and you’ve got to get a load of Bodge’s reaction. This is normally when he breaks out the window-shattering “woooatt!!!”s and goes into full armageddon mode. Here he sounds exasperated. “Aw, geez, not this crap again. I’m not getting paid enough for this.” My word…could the mask be cracking? Could he, despite all his ferocious efforts, be turning…gulp…human?? Can’t happen soon enough, says I!
Arr does a rather pointless interview with him, whereupon he promptly breaks out the word “Phamily”. :rolleyes: Oh, crap. No way in hell did he come up with that on his own. He’s being groomed, I tell you, and with that much “redemption” treacle bookending roughly 8 seconds of work, it pretty easy to imagine for what.
Brynli Smith is bringing even more damn “redemption” to the table! Man, Eyes is really trying his hardest to save “only”, isn’t he? :rolleyes: Trinity Rocho is still doing the overcrowded RV thing! To help her work out, her dad built a collapsible jungle gym, which…okay, it looks structurally sound, at least. (I’ll take my positivity wherever I can.)
= First round match 2: Trinity Rocho vs. Brynli Smith =
Even after one…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
Aaaaaand, welcome to the prestigious You’re Supposed To Put Both Ends On The Track, Stupid! Club, Rocho! :smack::rolleyes::smack: Sheesh, I knew you were a big underdog, but can you at least go down swinging?? This group sucks.
= Wild card match 2: Carson Dean vs. Jack David =
(Thanks for clarifying the Roberto Garemore situation, Huffleclaw. The show never explains these things, and I don’t care enough to do any kind of research, so it’s great that fans like you have my back. :)) On to what should be the best wildcard match of this event, which is not saying much, but again, positivity, dammit! It’s a tight one at the start, with both boys seemingly struggling to stay controlled in top gear. On to Double Tilt Ladders, which has always been the separator…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
…and here it promptly separates me from yet another precious chunk of my sanity as Dean falls off the first ladder. I kid you not. That’s all that happened. He hands were on, and then for reason that not even Kasen Ibaraki could possibly fathom, his hands were off. On the replay, Bodge tries to spin it by saying that the ladder descends suddenly. I’m sorry, did Dean manage this obstacle properly three times and then simply FORGET why it’s called Double Tilt Ladders? What is it with kids getting to playoffs and then completely failing to execute at all like utter morons?
Side note: Oh yeah, constantly harping about times during the one part of this contest where they don’t matter at all, that makes a ton of sense! :smack:
Quick profile of Jordan Carr. If a girl is 12 years old, how much of a concern does a slow-motion close-up of her shirt flying that far up actually raise? (Oh, come on, you think any of my friends have time to waste on this nonsense?)
= First round match 3: Jordan Carr vs. Lexi Vasquez =
Carr has quicker feet and more courage on the dipper bar and takes the early lead. Vasquez hustles on the first ladder and evens it, but Carr simply reaches to the second ladder, then does a nice, clean 3rd dismount…then hesitates at the start of the blocks. Vasquez dismounts from the middle and nearly catches up. No development on the blocks, and Carr is the first to Wing Nuts. She makes the first two transitions quicker…and gets hung up on the final nut! She squanders precious seconds getting re-straightened, allowing Vasquez to catch up! Carr dismounts first by a split second! They’re up the wall! And…no upset, Carr springs straight to the buzzer and hits it first.
Man, this was a really good contest, and it’s just a shame that someone had to lose. I really hope we see Vasquez again; she’s a top girl all the way and definitely earned more than she got. As for Carr, I admit I was sleeping on her since none of her wins were convincing, but she definitely convinced me here. Looking forward to an even better quarterfinal!
Sean Arms has a powerful upper body, which shouldn’t be news to anybody. The real story is that he donated $1,000 to a breast cancer charity. That’s a helluva lot of money for any 11-year-old, and I gotta wonder what’s been going on behind the scenes to encourage such generosity. (Which, given the usual proclivities of reality TV, I will be taking to my grave. It’s okay, I’m used to it.)
Um, word to the wise, Eyes…if Jack David lost but locked up a wildcard spot, he was not eliminated, so DON’T USE THE WORD “ELIMINATION”, YOU UNGODLY IMBECILE. Good Byakuren, the sheer number of words being positively butchered here would have Inigo Montoya spinning in his grave.
= First round match 4: Sean Arms vs. Jack David =
Arms is briefly ahead going to the dipper, but David zips right through and passes him. Both go for 3rd dismounts on the ladder; David does his faster and stays ahead. Blocks are a non-factor, and now Arms…eh…ehhhhh…no. David is no slouch in the upper-body department and gets through the nuts faster, and he still has no fork stuck in him, folks.
Oh yeah, “epic”, there’s another one. :smack:
Little sidebar here about records. You may have noticed that I haven’t made too much of a deal about them this season. Part of it is due to wildcards, meaning that winning the day is no longer strictly necessary, but the big reason is due to the completely nonsensical and borderline insane groupings in prelims. To give one obvious example, whose akutaq-brained idea was it to put Kaden Lebsack and Blake Feero in the same prelim? We’ve seen time and again that romping over scrubs means nothing, while fighting tooth and nail before losing a close one to a powerful adversary can lead to triumph when it actually matters.
Case in point, Ella McRitchie and Caleb Brown, 0-2 and 1-2, respectively, making this a dismal matchup on paper. But look behind the numbers and you get the real story. McRitchie lost her first match due to slippery shoes she somehow didn’t discover in time (a terrible break which honestly could’ve happened to anyone), then did far better in her real but against a much harder opponent who edged her out. Caleb Brown got immediately thrown into the lion’s den against Vance Walker, which in any event with an IQ above single digits would’ve been a quarterfinal matchup at the very earliest. Guess what, turns out they actually were better than all the other also-rans in 13-14, so they get another chance. That’s simple justice, folks. I know it’s an uncommon commodity in reality TV, but you shouldn’t be surprised when it happens.
= Wild card match 3: Ella McRitchie vs. Caleb Brown =
All the credit to McRitchie for making it a contest, but she just wasn’t ever going to win this one. Brown stayed a step ahead all the way to Sky Hooks, where his superior upper-body control put it away by a comfortable margin. McRitchie has the distinction of becoming the most impressive 0-3 contestant I’ve ever seen, a mark I doubt will ever be seriously challenged.
Tippa-tricka by Megan Martin about Sky Hooks.
Recap of Josiah Pippel. It looks like “Junior Giant” is going to become a thing. If he’s ever part of the main contest, I’ll have something. Vance Walker has a lot of pressure on him, which is what happens when you get Caleb freaking Brown in your first first first first first first first first first match. Seriously, what the hell was someone vaping, and can we ban that there too?
= First round match 5: Josiah Pippel vs. Vance Walker =
Even through one, and… :eek: More drama! Pippel fails to get a grip on the dipper bar and falls to his knees! He manages to right himself, but he’s off-balance…or shaken…or just got a harrowing vision of the increasingly-overcrowded You’re Supposed To Put Both Ends On The Track, Stupid! Club…and completely whiffs on the bar! He finally gets going, but there’s no making up that big a deficit against Walker. Oh, man, this had the potential to be the best match of playoffs, and it’s decided on the second obstacle. Heartbreaking. 
I find it hard to believe that Josh Auer actually wants 100% of his identity to revolve around an article of clothing. We’ll find out in a few years, I guess. Caleb Brown’s hobby is taking pictures, which I guarantee you will, in fact, last longer than his desire to be in badly broken reality show contests.
= First round match 6: Caleb Brown vs. Josh Auer =
Man, I think I mentioned this before, but you cannot look away for a moment when the top boys hit the course. They are, as Bodge would put it, dee-ay-emm-enn eff-ay-ess-tee. Auer hangs in there but is simply in over his head, taking the plunge at the end of Sky Hooks.
= Quarterfinal match 1: Brynli Smith vs. Owen Pham =
Hahh…you had a good run, Smith, but it’s time to face the music; you’re…slightly ahead after the dipper? And still slightly ahead after the walls? And still ahead after the blocks?? Oh wow, she has a chance! But alas, she can’t match Pham’s lache skills, as he makes the first transition…then the second, and he’s in the lead. Smith is taking, big, biiiiiig, biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig swings and wasting too much time (she got completely inverted on the second bar pair!). And coming up way short on the wall seals it. This Vietnamese Vector of Vroom is legit!
Interesting how Eyes’ and Bodge’s stance on girls crying is now “You know what? You wanna cry, cry. We’re not going to fight it or make excuses anymore. We don’t care.” Can only deny reality so much, I guess.
= Quarterfinal match 2: Jack David vs. Jordan Carr =
Even after one. David pulls the trigger a tick faster on the dipper and takes a super-small lead. On to the ladders, where Carr actually has better rhythm, makes a powerful 2nd dismount, and takes the lead! It’s a tight…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
:smack: Guess how this one ended! If you said “Carr, after apparently using up all her running ability, composure, and dignity in the Vasquez match, stumbled like Wile E. Coyote in rocket boots on Block Run and did an impressive pratfall into the water”, you’d be partially correct, because I couldn’t even see where she stumbled! She just went left and kept going until there was no block area left beneath her feet! I…that is… :smack: Haaaaaaahhhhhhhh… :smack:
= Quarterfinal match 3: Caleb Brown vs. Vance Walker =
Geez…just give Brown an out. Anything. He deserves better than this. Anyway, blah blah no miracle blah blah Walker rules all blah blah I freaking hate this show blah.
Block C semifinallists: Owen Pham, Jack David, Vance Walker
Pham is a good winner, and I’m actually pulling for him to win it all. (It’s not good that he made his debut under the cloud of an Acceptable Story, but he can overcome that.) David, to put it mildly, has not convinced me at all. Everyone he’s beaten so far has been either not ready for primetime or an inopportune choker (You had ONE JOB, Carr!); I am not looking forward to seeing him and Daniel Woods compete on the same day. Walker is so many klicks ahead of everyone else that 13-14 has become downright depressing (even more than usual). He is a ringer. By rights he should be getting started in a real sport, not some cheesy Amateur Nite show, and here he is blowing the doors off of everyone and giving the final day all the thrills and suspense of a Presidential press hearing. He is the faitest of accomplis (accompliest of faits, whichever).
Hahh…twelve down, five to go. Still holding out hope. Somehow.
Let’s just wrap things up.
Then some props given to Ryan Cooper, who hasn’t lost yet, thereby implying that beating Spatola was worth a damn, which I didn’t believe two weeks ago and sure as hell don’t now. (Holy cow, trading cards?)
(Man, all these new smileys rock! 
) I’m going to watch it in full tonight. From the few snippets I’ve seen so far, it looks like it’s either going to be less jingoistic or NBC is doing its best to cut out excessive jingoism, which is a plus. Don’t think I’ll have much to say, however, the main reason being that it’s following the same format as the last…two? Oh, man, that’s how you know things are truly hopeless. Well, if our side wins this enough times, that combined with our standing in the world currently somewhere between “abyss” and “bottomless pit” should convince the producers to consider the point made and end this, so that’s something to look forward to, I guess. Yeah, definite 
. (Seriously, so many! I’ll never use them all! 
)
Given that we’ve had a grand total of three objective (not fair, just objective) medals given out tonight…damn, that is paltry…I wasn’t intending to give this complete time-waster any more attention than the inaugural contest. But as I was watching it, something weird happened…
Don’t get me wrong, this was every bit as stupid as it was the first time, but credit to the hosts for having some decency and not sending home Graff or McCartney unhappy. I actually was reasonably satisfied by the outcome…if you’re going to be bogus, at least be bogus for good. I’m glad I watched this all the way through, although if the rest of the night was any better I might not be so grateful.