Marshmallow catching? really?
I was surprised they showed a complete run so early. Usually we see 10 + failures before someone finishes.
Brian
My provider isn’t showing week 4 until Friday, so all I have at the moment are the YouTube clips. Regardless, I’m not anticipating anything earthshaking. Mady Howard, Amir Malik, and Tweb (oh hey, she’s still around) did what’s been done numerous times. It’s a nice personal mark but nothing more, and no amount of sappy leitmotifs is going to change that. I’m glad that Joe Moravsky finally got a payday, but $10,000 isn’t anywhere near adequate compensation for all the “We reward such valiant effort STARTING TOMORROW!” 
bullcrap he’s had to suffer over his career. That NBC is perfectly fine with letting these kind of injustices stand forever is maddening. (Oh yeah, and Daniel Gil totally deserves $100,000, I don’t give a damn how.)
I continue to be puzzled by the constant obsession over the [Clownpiece]faaaaastest tiiiiiiiiiiime[/Clown…it’s another Touhou thing. I’m kind of a fan, all right?] I know it’s hasn’t been around long, but it doesn’t seem to me that the Speed Pass makes any meaningful difference. Bringing along two “teammates” even less so; if they couldn’t hack it in quallies, what reason does anyone have to believe they’ll miraculously turn it around on a harder course? Look, I just don’t want anyone getting crap for taking on the Mega Wall. I’m tired of it getting treated like some terrifying forbidden fruit instead of the no-brainer choice it’s supposed to be.
All 12 dudes who qualified hit a buzzer, and did so quickly. Anyone get a buzzer and not go through? If so, I hate that. It should always be hit a buzzer = advance.
Anybody know what happened with the speed pass in the first round. I assumed that they erased it when they erased Dreschel but if he won it would his teammates advance?
A cite was linked upthread. As I remember it, he won the first speed pass and then got edited out, but they’re letting his teammates still advance. They may have even shown one or both of his teammates runs in the show proper but I can’t say that for sure.
His teammates were Taylor Johnson and Julius Ferguson. Taylor was shown as placing second among the women and twelfth overall, but she was moved up in the overall standings to compensate for Drechsel’s removal. He lost to Jody Avila on the Power Tower.
Same here. My best guess as to why people aren’t taking on the mega wall is that, now that it’s been around for a few seasons, many of the competitors have had a chance to practice on the wall and already know that they can’t do it.
But even so, it’s your only shot at winning money on the show unless you’re the last man standing, and if you can’t do the mega wall you probably won’t be the last man standing. (The one exception I can think of is Sean Bryan. IIRC, he’s never attempted the mega wall, but he’s a strong competitor.)
So what do people think of this unusual season? I kind of like it, actually, although it won’t be until we get to the finale that the major difference with a normal season really kicks in. In particular, I think that obstacle design has been great. Lots of obstacles that feel new and different, without seeming arbitrary/impossible (I’m looking at you, Angry Birds).
If anyone is curious (as I was), Barclay Stockett is not competing this season due to her mother’s death; hopefully she’ll be back next year.
Presumably Drew didn’t end up winning the whole season before getting excised… and in fact almost had to fail before the finals which will be (I think?) all head-to-head. Curious if we can get some behind-the-scenes verification of that.
I think the highlight of the season so far is David Campbell’s run… first he got himself stranded in what seemed like an inescapable death spiral and escaped. Then he beat the Mega Wall at 43(?) years old. The man is the real deal.
So who do we think the favorites are, now? A lot of the typical top performers (Sean Bryan, Najee) aren’t full on speed demons. If the finals is all head-to-head power tower, then you gotta give a nod to the power tower winners so far this season, which is Joe M, Jake M, and… I forget?
EllisDee - Nick Hanson not only got a buzzer, he made it up the Mega Wall, but because he was 13th overall he just came up short. I’m pretty sure this hard line is a one-time thing to keep the production within budget, a practical necessity in a season with no live gates. Honestly, it doesn’t change anything meaningful. There will never be enough time to show a decent sample of runs, resulting in waiweewuwwaweis by the carload, the top finishers will battle for the lance after the unworthies have been sent packing, and for the vast majority of the field the Mega Wall will be their one shot at defraying some of those dang opportunity costs.
I agree, I like most of the new obstacles. I can think of four (wait for it, ring chaser, beehive, and sideways), and I think all of them were aesthetically pleasing and fun to watch except for sideways.
I’m not following your logic about Drew having to fail before the finals. I presume they’d just cut any head-to-head that involved him, same way they caught the power tower he competed in.
Absolutely agree that David Campbell’s run has been the highlight, and it’s worth mentioning how crazy his actual run up the mega wall was: he stumbled on the way up the wall, then caught it by his very fingertips while he was swinging way far out away from the wall. It didn’t even look like he’d be able to hang on!
Oh man, I actually never thought about how the different format would give us a different kind of winner. To answer your question, the other two power tower winners were RJ Roman and Jody Avila. I actually think having head-to-head power tower matches would make the winner way, way less predictable. The fastest guys tend to be the ones that are reckless and take risks, which means there’s a very fine line between being out early and going all the way. The Kid’s Stage 1 run at USA versus the World comes to mind. He took a lot of risks and almost fell at one point, but he did go fast.
I wouldn’t underestimate Sean Bryan, though. Remember, he won a power tower match-up last season.
But even with the format change, my money’s still on Joe Moravsky (who I think has the greatest chance of winning) or Daniel Gil (second greatest chance).
It will be hard to present a single elimination bracket (which is the impression I have as to how the finals work) with some number of people getting apparent byes into the next round, without mentioning it… which is what you would have to do if Drew was in there and then lost. But that might not be how the finals work at all, not sure exactly how I got that impression.
Lessee…cliches flying nonstop, check…treacly Acceptable Stories about people you won’t see again because cute little babies have this unfortunate habit of growing up, check…even more irritating leitmotifs, check (Do they actually make a new batch for each episode?)…cannon fodder runs that everyone’s gotta pretend are “inspirational” or “proud” instead of the unrelenting justice of Sasuke, check…monomaniacal obsession with the Power Tower, check (Did you notice nobody mentioned Mega Wall ONCE in the intros?)…and cap it off with the completely obligatory “I’ll give you another shot, buddy!” that does not come to pass, a fading Meagan Martin receiving yet another gift to siffies (semis, whatever) and a ginormo celebration about Tweb becoming maybe the 15th woman to hit a buzzer. Sheesh, do I really have nothing new to gripe about? It’s reached the point where I don’t even miss Drew Dreschel; if I hadn’t read the news about his arrest, I’d have just assumed that he’d gotten swallowed up by the editing like a dozen other big names. (Oh, speaking of which, anyone seen Brent Steffensen lately?) This show, much like The Voice or Hell’s Kitchen, has reached such a consistent, dependable level of badness that almost nothing really stands out as especially horrible.
And then there was…Amir Malik. 
Hoo boy.
0:42 We learn that he’s a 20-year-old rookie selected by David “Cake Ninja” Wright, whose influence on ANW fans is comparable to the influence of the full moon on humanoids bearing an unusually time-specific curse. Literally the first thing he does after stepping on the course is yell “Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”, an evil omen if I’ve ever heard one.
Profile. Lots of cake making with Malik, Wright, and Alex Carson, whose relationship to the other two is not given. We learn that 1. cake making is messy, and 2. Malik likes to open his mouth really wide. 
0:44 He quietly dispatches two obstacles, which is the last time the word “quietly” will ever be associated with him, ever, at all.
0:45 Beehive, no problem. Shot of Wright blabbering the usual let’s-go you-got-this BS.
Light-footed through Spinning Bridge…whereupon he shrieks…not yells, not says a bit too enthusiastically, flippin’ shrieks…“AAAAHHHhhhh HAAAA haaaaaaaa!” 
The effect on my hearing was comparable to a belt sander on a blackboard.
On to Sideways, where he’s a little erratic but manages to keep his grip to the downhill section. He seems to have the hang of it now, dismounting cleanly. Just the wall left now. First run, looks like his feet go astray a bit, but he still has just enough oomph to get his fingers over the lip, and up he goes.
0:46 Oh, geez. Showing the absolute pinnacle of good sportsmanship and respect for the contest, he SLLLLAMMMMSS both hands on the buzzer, breaking it. He then follows up by making a noise akin to a crazed vampire landing a fighter jet with a giant steak knife tied to its tail over a surface made entirely of tile. Hooked up to amplifiers. Inside an echo chamber.
The worst part is that we’ve recently completed a season of American Ninja Warrior Junior which showcased young athletes who were polite, restrained, and respectful of the contest…and then this happens. Sheesh, can’t we have more shots of skin being ripped off?
(On a positive note, Joe Moravsky got the Mega Wall and won Power Tower! The greats never compromise! You da man! 
)
Hey, this is still a thing, guys! I know the profiles are glurgy and the announcers are morons, but we have new obstacles! That’s something, right? (Speaking of which, it seems like Eyes and Bodge, for whatever reason, are in Permanent Dick Vitale Mode now. No more “paralysis by overanalysis” or “90 degree Ls” or “fullleeyyyinggg”, it’s all unwarranted overreactions and oh-nos all the time. Kinda sad, actually, but at least it’s consistent. 
)
Quick recap of this week’s contestants just 'cause I feel like it:
Verdale Benson - Producers? Announcers? Absolutely clueless mother? See that boy’s blank expression, which didn’t change in the slightest for the entire run? That means that he doesn’t give a crap and you can’t make him. Take the freaking hint. Stop bothering him. Sheesh, it’s a miracle we haven’t had a child abuse case by now…
3WA Thomas Stillings - Someone needs to call out Bodge on shrieking about injuries that didn’t actually happen. Really classless.
Dan Polizzi - Good run, although constantly jumping between four screens was distracting. Did Brandon Mears ever accomplish anything?
Meagan Martin - Slow burn continues. “Going to be a WIIIIIIIIIIFFFEEEE” will buy her some time (Whatever happened to whatever her last Acceptable Story was, anyway?), but she’s not getting any younger. She’s going to be a shell of her former self in a couple years, and it’ll be a relief as much as anything else when she finally hangs it up.
3WA Alex Carson, David Wright - The great thing about being part of a team is that you can be an absolute scrub, but because you latched onto someone who’s actually worth a damn, the announcers have to pretend that you’re actually worth something. 
Profile was borderline disgusting. Veering dangerously close to my “shut them down until they do something else” list.
Amir Malik - Well, at least he didn’t make his obnoxious noise until he hit the buzzer. One to watch in the future, although how long the announcers will tolerate being one-upped is a big question.
3WA Taylor Johnson, Sean Bryan - The 4’ 11" Johnson had a predictably forgettable outing. Church suffered another inexplicable misstep, getting way crooked on #5 Bungee Road and splashing, putting him hopelessly out of contention. I’ve seen young stars who were flying high when they had that one unlucky collapse, and the course got completely in their heads and they never contended again. Can he reverse his downward spiral?
Najee Richardson - Albatross will never win anything meaningful, but he’s fought like a lion to overcome both a physical handicap and being treated as a second-class citizen, and now he’s supporting a truly noble cause. I do think there should be a time limit for starting an obstacle, but I’m not going to begrudge him his finish. As far as I’m concerned, he can take up as much screen time as he wants.
3WA Jessica Helmer, Jeshua Lewis - Meaningless also-ran… close-but-no-cigar also-ran. Yeah, “mentor passes” were such a great idea.
Will Schlageter - Did surprisingly well, especially given his penchant for screaming for no damn reason. Could be one to watch in the future, but it’s just as likely that this season was an aberration and he’ll sink to his true mediocre level soon enough.
3WA Lorin Ball, Brian Kretsch, David Campbell - Ah, the over the hill gang. Kretsch actually came pretty close but just couldn’t keep it together through three #8 Corkscrew wheels. I don’t really like geezerjock worship (I remember the hype during the last days of Jimmy Connors, and it was absolutely unbearable.), but these guys are benign. Just don’t turn into him and it’s all cool.
Lance Pekus - A perennial so-so-to-pretty-good water treader whose starting to hit the downswing. Regardless, he’s such a good man and carries such a positive vibe that I can’t imagine NBC letting him go for a long, long time. As long as he doesn’t appear in any more team events, fine by me.
3WA Alex Nye, Tiana Webberley - More 2nd-tier cannon fodder. Tweb, after hitting a buzzer last week, clanked on #3 Clockwork, proving just how vast the gulf between good and great still is among the women.
Mady Howard - And another one bites the dust. 
Tage Herrington - 
First Dennis The Menace, then The Brady Bunch, then The Andy Griffith Show? Hold on… [looks it up] 
1960?? Eyes actually went back to the freaking KENNEDY ERA?? This… 
I knew he was out of it, but I had no idea he was goddam cryogenically frozen! Sheesh… (Justin Bieber. It was right there. I mean, come on.)
3WA Jeri D’aurelio - Yeah, she’s legit. Next.
Michael Torres - Wow, it certainly was a lot of work setting up that wedding! Unlike any previous wedding in history! It’s just too bad that having a big expensive ceremony is absolutely required! I mean, it’s not like you can just do this in 15 minutes at City Hall at no cost or anything! 
Okay, that should be enough.
3WA Ben Melick, RJ Roman - Why does anyone still act shocked when Melick underachieves horribly? At this point that’s practically all he’s capable of. Roman hits another buzzer, hey hey.
Devin Harrelson - Question (other than where “Dougie” comes from which I doubt will ever come to light): Given that this man is, to use an extremely technical term, Not That Good, is there any reason for anyone other than him to care that he’s never hit a buzzer or made it to naffies? Isn’t that just the natural order of things? Quallies took a pretty big jump in 2015, the first year he competed, so it’s not a huge surprise he’d get stymied by a #4 or #5, even more so given that he failed Warped Wall once (which is absolutely automatic for anyone who has a prayer). And if he’s not good enough to clear 6 in quallies, no way is he getting through siffies, which is way easier than actually completing the damn thing. Another issue is that since he has been to siffies, how does hitting a quallies buzzer even mean anything anymore? It doesn’t matter how you make it; once you make it, you made it, and there’s nothing more to be made. Comes up just short on Corkscrew. Don’t worry, you’ll make it someday. Which will more than likely be it.
3WA Austin Gray (sigh ), Lucas Reale - We’ll be seeing them in the final. Hopefully we’ll get something interesting on one of them by then.
Jessie Graff - It speaks volumes that a 36 year old with a history of bizarre collapses was able to completely leave all the other women in the dust tonight. Three years ago, she probably would’ve cleared Corkscrew easily. The world of ANW will be a lot smaller when she leaves, and frankly, I’m not confident that Clubhouse can carry the load all by herself. Farm system! We need a farm system! 
Joe Moravsky - Oh, look, he got the fastest time of the night by less than a second! The crowd goes absolutely wild over an achievement with megabupkis award that no one with a millibrain should give a femtocrap about! 
Good enough.
So, this week they had four people finish the course, and throughout were talking about being eight contestants in the final PlayOffMatchOfDeath (or whatever they’re calling it.) They also list numbers 5-8 for fastest/furthest, and said those people will have to wait until the last batch has run to know if they’ve made it.
I’m guessing this means a) if you finish the course, you’re guaranteed in and b) if they don’t have eight finishers, they’ll take however many they need to round out the field from those with the fastest/furthest times.
But what happens if the next batch is just chockful of ninjas having the run of their lives? Suppose nine people manage to finish? Will they then rejigger whatever they’ve planned to handle 13 runners instead? Or just take the 8 fastest of all the finishers, possibly bumping some of the runners they called ‘guaranteed’ this time?
Which I’d hate to see, because Flex is the slowest of the finishers, and probably would be the slowest of the overall field. 
[Pondering whether to cover the last two weeks in depth. Looks at upcoming primetime schedule. Sees that Dancing With The Stars and Shark Tank are the only not-terrible shows for at least the next 8 weeks. Decision made to cover the last two weeks in depth.]
The gradual de-Sasukefication of this show may have reached its endpoint with this season. To recap, on Sasuke, there are only the four stages, played out over a single day, all runs are shown in order (with no “while we were away” nonsense), there are plenty of no-hope goofballs just there for the publicity, it’s a strictly amateur competition with no remuneration of any kind, all stages have time limits (Stage 3 has no overall time limit but the contestants have a limited time to get going again after each obstacle), and there is no compulsion to force-feed female representation in the latter stages. If you’re familiar with that contest and just recently learned about ANW, you could be forgiven for thinking that it’s actually a modernized spinoff of Double Dare or American Gladiators. Eyes and Bodge are making it sound like the tournament format is just a one-off due to Corona, but I smell proof of concept. It’s become very clear that the powers that be hate things like excessively sausagefactorious (May as well use that while I still can! 
) later rounds and million-dollar payouts going to the wrong men. Don’t be surprised if the concept of quallies, siffies, and naffies goes out the window and this newfangled tournament format get fine-tuned but otherwise is here to stay.
As for how everybody did:
Jackson Twait (Spring Forward) - Guess he never got the memo that arrogant boasts in profiles tend to backfire.
Jody Avila (Salmon Ladder) - Good, not great. Pretty much how his ANW career has gone.
Flip “David” Rodriguez (Slam Dunk) - That’s his Acceptable Story? Given what his first one was, that sounds like a pretty massive step backward to me. An excellent outing by his standards; this may be the closest he ever comes to “Stage 4”.
Jeri D’Aurelio (Spring Forward) - Nope, still don’t give a damn. Next! (Or previous, depending! Stupid order finagling!)
Michael Torres (Falling Shelves) - Nope, still don’t give a damn, next or previous depending! 
Cameron Baumgartner (Slam Dunk) - Just one little inopportune mental error on an unfamiliar obstacle. He played over his head this season, and with his athleticism and attitude, I’d be shocked if he isn’t a future star. He’ll be back.
Najee “Albatross” Richardson (Finished) - So let’s recap his '19. In quallies he very sensibly went for the money, came up short, but still easily made it to siffies like the rest of the 100% of contestants to not clear Mega Wall, thereby proving that Da Buzzah means jack squat in quallies. Then in siffies, he hit his head on that jungle blocks thing (#8) but still made it to naffies like quite a few siffies contestants who went out on #8, thank you very much, and anyone who’s been paying attention at all knows that Da Buzzah in siffies isn’t required for anything. (Angry Birds! Remember that one?) So off to the Stage 1 course he goes…and now he admits that he completely phoned it in because he was all miserable about not hitting Da Buzzah in quallies or siffies. Direct quote: “I was thinking, ‘I just want this to be over.’” 
No, really. 
. But he cheered up again when he was chosen to be a mentor on ANWJ. 
'Kay, see you in one week…
Jamie Rahn (Slam Dunk) - I’m glad your thumb’s all right. You know what would make me even gladder? Having to see your injured thumb in only one episode.
Dan Polizzi (Falling Shelves) - Probably the only contestant tonight who didn’t mind the sight of lots of water. Plenty of heart but wasn’t ever going to make the final.
Lucas Reale (Finsihed) - His dad recently died, and oh crap, I do not envy whoever’s going to beat him on Power Tower one week from now.
stupid fluff piece - Hey, here’s a challenge! You first, you steaming pile of crap!
Sandy Zimmerman (Spring Forward) - It’s tough being the milestone contestant. There’s all kinds of expectations even when you’ve made it as far as you’re ever going to. Ask Kacy Catanzaro.
Donovan Metoyer (Diamond Dash) - That’s a nice suit, but I have to see how he behaves off the course before I’ll call him “classy”. For now, I’m leaning toward “foppish”.
self-congratulatory drivel - “This one contestant is doing a good thing! Therefor you should do the exact same good thing!” 
.
Austin Gray (Finished) - And speak of the devil. It’ll come to no surprise that after this season I’m putting him on my personal blacklist (i.e. I don’t talk about him again until he does something else), but unlike the other three men currently on it, it’s out of regret instead of anger. He is doing a very good, very honorable, very selfless thing. My issue is that this and ninja shouldn’t be the sum total of his being. I just looked at his Instagram page, and it’s downright depressing. One of the first lessons anyone considering a life of goodness and charity needs to learn is that you’re allowed to have fun. You don’t have to be a single-minded do-gooder virtuously casting aside all pleasures. Heck, look at me. I spend 40 hours a week improving the lives of those less privileged than myself and contributing valuable tax revenue to my community…and that’s plenty enough, thank you. I’ll spend my free time on whatever meaningless frivolities I please…this message board, for one 
…and as long as it isn’t illegal or unethical (it isn’t), nobody has any reason to complain.
Tyler Gillett (Shrinking Steps) - Sick dad? Uh, yeah, cool, dude. Hey, weren’t you on Ninja vs. Ninja?
Chris Digangi (Spring Forward) - That’s a nice utterly meaningless pattern that NBC is running into the damn ground you have there. Be a shame if something were to happen to it. Wait, did I say “shame”? I meant “grossly overdue blessed relief”.
Jesse “Clubhouse” Labreck (Finished) - Every time this booswah about “hitting the most buzzers” comes up, I’m reminded of that old saying: If you say you have 20 years experience, what it really means is that you have 1 year of experience 20 times." I’ll spell it out: Succeeding at the higher level renders the lower level irrelevant. You think anyone ever got on Hakeem Olajuwon’s case for never winning a college title? What they should have hyped up is the fact that she’s cleared two 10-obstacle courses and, at the age of…whatever her age is, she’s still one of the elite women of this event. Pretty remarkable that even if you leave out her NvN heroics (which NBC insists on doing for some freakish reason ), she still has one of the most remarkable track records you’ll ever see. So here’s to powerful women, and here’s to seeing Clubhouse on the Power Tower, so we can get it over with and never have to hear about it again, the usual benefit of setting a milestone on this show.
Pretty good night, all things considered. Some big names next week, but most of them are either untested or on the downside of their careers. Won’t know what happens 'till it happens!
In the two decades since the maddening and at the same time traumatic phenomenon known as reality television came into existence, there’s an immutable fact that’s become completely unavoidable in this latest incarnation of American Ninja Warrior: like water, it always finds its own level. It doesn’t matter what it starts out as…a high-tension relationship battle, a cheesy dance contest, a glimpse into the lifestyles of trust fund good-for-nothings, a difficult and dangerous career, an open talent casting call. It will be a reality show, and it will have the look and feel of every other reality show. There’s no room for originality or honesty here. And once the veil is off and you realize you’re being played, well, there’s no suspending that disbelief again.
Which is more or less where I’m at with ANW. I’d like to pretend that Stages are coming back, that time limits are going to matter again, that we’ll have, if not a sensible prize structure, at least more than one freaking prize (I mean, the junior event does, right?), that the announcers are going to make that .1% move toward sensibility and give up the utterly transparent bonehead narratives like “buzzers” or “military”. Aside from that, it really, really bothers me that the producers have completely given up on Ninja vs. Ninja, an idea which I felt had really hit its stride and had the potential to blow up into something wonderful, almost certainly because it was messing with the narrative. It’s reached the point where I think giving lengthy recaps to this is an outright insult to both legitimate sports and scripted programs. (BTW, if you haven’t already, go watch The Good Place; that one rocked. Also, Animaniacs premieres on November 20! 
).
So I’ll do my usual timestamped melancholy to close out this strange yet…really strange season, and I’ll see how much I still care once we finally get USA vs. The World again.
(Note: Whenever The Reality TV gets cloyingly unbearable and I feel the need to call it out, I’m going to put in “YEAH RIGHT” followed by what exactly I think of NBC’s particular programming decision.)
0:00 We start with a goddam sappy leitmotif. Sign of the times, I guess.
0:02 That’s a pretty nice trophy. So nice, in fact, that I refuse to believe that this is the only time we’ll see it. With NvN permanently on ice, this is pretty much the only way ANW is ever going to have trophy presentations again, so you’d better believe this “pandemic” Power Tower slugfest is here to stay.
0:03 Our first glimpse of the Power Tower, which has, perversely, become even more freaking worshipped than Mount Midoriyama itself. Seriously, the announcers talk about it like it’s this.
0:04 Leaderboard. On the first page are last week’s finishers, Lucas Reale, Najee “Albatross” Richardson, Austin Gray, and Jesse “Clubhouse” Labreck. Next up are the eighters (I think this works better than “eight-obstaclers”; I’m using it from now on. ), Jamie Rahn, Cameron Baumgartner, and Flip “David” Rodriguez. Capping it off is the imminent first bouncee, Jody Avila, who only made it as far as Salmon Ladder. (Nice to see #10 be a complete non-factor for what seems like the 500th time. Seriously, just cut it out. You can have that overhyped pointless battle for #1, which I’ll get to in a bit, with nine obstacles.)
On to our first contestant, Jeshua Lewis. No idea who this guy is. Profile says he 1. lives in a motor home and 2. has visited every state, and I can’t help but think that I’ve heard both of these stories several times before, because I goddam have. Then a shot of Joe Moravsky, who Saved Him From Elimination, which, much like the Golden Buzzer in America’s Got Talent, is this show’s Completely Inconsequential Trivia Bit The Announcers Refuse To Ever Shut The Hell Up About.
And now, the run…
YEAH, RIGHT - Boy, get a load of this ridiculous juggling act Eyes is doing. He’d love to do his usual shrieking about how hitting a buzzer is absolutely required to advance, given that he worships buzzers with even more slobbering fervor than the Power Tower, and in fact this was the case in the old naffies (yannow, the part that actually kinda-sorta resembled Sasuke), but in this revamped format it’s da faddes da fasses up to the very end, except that he doesn’t want to actually admit the painfully obvious because it’ll make the buzzer sad :roll_eyes”, so he does what every good talking head does: waffle. “Your best bet is to hit a buzzer.” Best bet! Hey, maybe this show should have gambling, as there’d be the possibility of a marginal level of excitement!
…in which he celebrates surviving Diamond Dash too much and sees karma catch up to him on Slam Dunk. Next!
0:09 David Wright, who I am dubbing “Enabler” for obvious reasons. Bringing that banshee Amir Malik into the fold was just the icing on the you-know-what. Everything about this pair is just unpleasant, so I’m just going to fast forward past their runs. Wright out on Falling Shelves. Oh well. Next!
0:14 And here’s Malik. Have I made it clear that I loathe screaming directly into the goddam camera? Yes? All right. Messes up the tricky Dragon Back but had a very good time up to that point, so I fear his night isn’t over just yet.
0:24 Hey, since we’ve managed to go this far without a 3WA, why don’t we have, completely out of the blue, a 3WA! And it’s none other than John “Jax” Alexis Jr., because saying “giant” 400,000 times got boring and they can’t think of any other word that accurately describes him! Lost his grip on Slam Dunk, and his season is blink and you missed it.
0:25 And now a man who requires no introduction (seriously), Daniel “Dag” Gil! His main motivation for winning the hundred grand is to get a down payment on a nice, big, Baby Boomer-style house in which he’s going to raise his definitely-more-than-2.2 future kids. Okay, chase your dreams, live your life, I get that, but just one simple question…does your wife work? Because unless she’s bringing in a steady income, there is no way in hell you’re keeping either that nice big home or those kids on what you’re making, which is jack squat. And that, in turn, means that you have to be the one cleaning the house, shopping, cooking, changing diapers, all that tedious domestic stuff. I know that sounds beneath you, but that’s just the price for living the dream.
0:27 Apparently it’s “Kid Owhadi” 24/7 now. Fine, I can take a hint, Mathis. 
Dag Dags up the course and takes the top spot, whaddya expect.
0:36 Thomas Stillings. His wife had a brain tumor. Which was discovered in time, and the surgery was a complete success and she made a full recovery (and looks perfectly fine every time we see her tonight). I don’t think this really qualifies as an Acceptable Story, but hey, never miss an opportunity for an insipid leitmotif, am I right? Zero chance of making it to the Power Tower, of course, but at least his exit was interesting: He reached for the third reverse-hold X on Falling Shelves with just his right hand while holding onto the second with his left, apparently intending to complete the transfer with his left…and then gave up his right hand. This got the third X swinging, which threw his timing off and sent him down. I know there haven’t been many what-where-you-thinking interviews this season, but he deserved one for that!
0:40 R.J. Roman! Grandmother! A profile in search of a point! He gets a heck of a run and even is on pace for the #1 spot, but he flubs Dragon Back one transition from the end and splashes.
0:43 Updated leaderboard. With four contestants to go, Dag, Reale, Albatross, and Gray have clinched their spots. Next up are Clubhouse and Malik, with Roman on the bubble and Rahn hoping beyond hope.
0:48 Oh [word expressing admiration, intimidation, and abject despair at the same time, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t actually exist], it’s Jessie Graff. In her profile she makes it clear that what she really super-duper wants is to clear a 10-obstacle course.
YEAH, RIGHT - Day-um, amazing how she’s accomplished just about everything else a woman can accomplish in ANW and this has eluded her year after year after year! Is she a massive choker or what? Like how she had to miss ’14 (the same year as Kacy Catanzaro’s run for the ages…damn, that had to sting) due to injury and she just choked siffies’ difficulty up about twenty levels in ’15! Or how she choked that ludicrous armapalooza Invisible Ladder, which maybe 15% of the men could handle on a good day, into the #10 spot that one time! Or how that other season which had Michelle Warnky clear a 10-obstacler in a year where siffies was actually looking fairly reasonable, and as soon as Graff’s turn comes up she chokes that berserk abomination Northwest Passage into being! In fact, she always seemed to draw the city with either the screwball or arm-wrecking obstacles! And she finally gets a fair shake when she’s way past her prime! It’s all just a lot of choking! No way is NBC rigging the game with a ham-handedness rivalling the Harlem Globetrotters to ensure that she doesn’t bolt for something that actually pays freaking money!
Rrrrrrrrggggggg. 
0:51 Adam Rayl was a gymnast and thus likes to hit buzzers upside-down, which doesn’t sound as preposterous as it did a few years ago. Oh, look, run joined in progress, because screwing only Jax gets boring. He makes it to the end, but in a dismally slow time, so slow I’m surprised NBC actually showed it.
1:02 Jake Murray, who’s allowed to say whatever he wants prior to his run. “I’m Barclay Stockett”. Geez, that fake Zuri Hall was bad enough but…gah. All right, you go straight to the blackout list because I have freaking had enough of you. Goddammit.
During his run, Eyes mentions that R.J. Roman is currently in 8th, with one runner to go. I mention this because I saw Murray at a pace which wasn’t that impressive, kind of slow, to be honest. You’d think Roman would at least have had a glimmer of hope, because this meant Murray would have needed to clear Dragon Back to surpass him. And then the time comes up on Salmon Ladder, and it’s not even two minutes. And then he gets through Slam Dunk, and…that’s it. Roman’s done. Murray ultimately finishes with a time of 3:56.20, easily beating Dag.
YEAH, RIGHT - Either I went temporarily blind or the time-space continuum went out of whack during Roman’s run, because it sure looked like he went a hell of a lot faster through 8 obstacles. No way was this shady editing, made possible by turning on the timer only when they wanted to, to gin up some completely bogus drama! And no way was putting Rayl’s run near the end a feeble distraction from the fact that every freaking other finisher was ever so slightly faster than the last, so it clearly wasn’t more BS order finagling to gin up even more stupid fake drama! There’s not a whisper of a chance that “sometimes the early guy sets an unbeatable time, deal with it” is yet another reality that NBC is determined to drop a nuclear [Going to stop now before I start throwing things. Have some emoticons. ]
1:13 At last, the final runner of the night, Joe Moravsky, who will soon be welcoming his third child, which he does not sound all that thrilled about. There’s a very long running newspaper comic (thirty years and counting) whose message can be summed up as “Having a child sucks; having three children completely, royally sucks.” It’s sad that this lesson didn’t sink in for most of America.
Here we go! Shrinking Steps, no prob. Spring Forward, smooth as silk. Falling Shelves, like a machine. Diamond Dash, no problem. Spin Hopper, good pace, rock-solid form, easily through. Amir Malik starting to sweat a bit. Warped Wall as utterly toothless as always. Salmon Ladder…ooh, that was fast. Amir Malik getting really nervous. Slam Dunk, if he can keep up the pace, that should…
** SPLOOOOSHH **
Dammit. Makes the first transition without a hitch, makes the jump to the second ball, and his left hand slips off, his right yanks the ball off the hoop, and he’s all wet. I didn’t think he was going to win the championship, but I at least wanted to see him go for it. And that gives noise machine Amir Malik the final spot in the playoffs. Even better.
1:23 Playoff bracket. Oh, look, we actually have proper seeding! Guess all it took was a tiny number of competitors and next to zero chance of making any difference! (It’s been twelve seasons; how can I not be cynical?)
The first matchup is Najee “Albatross” Richardson vs. Austin Gray. Albatross wants to have fun, because it improves his performance somehow. Gray is really strong. Neither considers himself the favorite.
Okay, quick caveat about this newfangled playoff thingy. It’s definitely an unusual choice for NBC, mainly because if you have two people competing on the same course at the same time, 1. there a possibility that the margin is going to be really big or even an outright no contest, and 2. there is absolutely no way to BS this away. They can edit and fudge and finagle till the dragons come home, but there is absolutely no hiding the fact that it was a one-sided massacre. At least in ANWJ they can hammer some glurgy narrative about “fighting” or “not giving up”, which is honestly all anyone should expect from the weak kids in the first place, but the competitors in this playoff are supposed to be the best of the best. And remember, da faddes the fasses means that a slow finisher finishes ahead of a fast eighter, but then has the disadvantage on a short course where speed is everything. Different game, different stars. Bottom line, there’s a not-insignificant chance that NBC is going to end up absolutely hating this. And I’m kinda hoping they don’t, because I really don’t see any better alternative if time limits are taboo now.
1:24 Gray has a razor-slim lead almost the entire way. He reaches the finish platform a tick faster! They lunge! And…Albatross’ final lunge has him slapping the pole just below the button. Match to Gray.
1:26 Lucas Reale vs. Adam Rayl. Speed vs. strength. Allegedly. Rayl surges to the early lead and never looks back, flying past the final shelf and to the buzzer while Reale is still on the second shelf. Eyes, who obviously did not see this coming for some reason, declares that “Rayl destroys the Power Tower!” Oh, is “The Power Tower” Reale’s nickname now? A bit cumbersome, but hell, it’s been a cumbersome year; I’m using it!
1:33 Jake Murray vs. Amir Malik. Trust me, Malik, dreams are not this goddam noisy. Murray struggles to get up the pole, and this one’s over as a contest. Eyes acts like the #8 taking out the #1 is the most shocking thing ever, which is completely wrongheaded for reasons I already explained, but this maybe the 75th most wrongheaded thing he’s said this season so I don’t really care.
1:38 Our last two competitors are Dag and Jesse “Clubhouse” Labreck. There’s an obvious parallel between this and a certain match Clubhouse had in NvN, which I just felt like reminding you of since NBC certainly won’t. Gil…all right, I’m not going to go all conspiracy theory here, but I think he could’ve won by more than that. Maybe he’s just saving his energy. Regardless, I really could’ve done without Eyes’ “just one pad ahead”, as if that kind of lead in the homestretch means anything other than having the match completely in the bag. We have had more than enough examples of elite women not being able to keep up with aging but still strong men at all (Navratilova vs. Connors comes to mind); it’s okay to admit that this happens. Wasn’t that long ago that a woman getting to naffies was a big deal, you know.
1:45 The remainder of the contest adds a Cliffhanger section with six bars, three of them set at what look like pretty tough angles. The first semi is Austin Gray vs. Amir Malik…which Gray wins after Malik falls off the final shelf.
1:47 Rayl pushes Dag to the limit, but his total coolness under fire is just too much to overcome. Really close at the end but no photo finish required.
Aaaaaand I’ve spent way too much time on this. Last-second profiles for Dag and Gray, nothing we haven’t seen before, they’re off, Dag wins, woo hoo. He’s now 3rd on the all-time money list behind Drew Dreschel and Isaac Caldiero, and it’s just a shame that he’ll never have a chance to eclipse them. If you like, you can say that he’s the top “modern era” money winner. I’m seriously considering doing just that.
I don’t see any reason to think we won’t be back to the normal format next year (or whenever pandemic is over). I mean, who knows, but it’s very clear that this format was what they were absolutely scrambling to come up with when they were stuck in one location, not something they actively sought out and planned.
You’ve overlooked the big “scandal” of the finals, which is that RJ Roman, based on the time on screen, was actually faster to the final obstacle than Amir Malik, but Malik was named the #8 finisher. The speculation on the ninja subreddit is that RJ DQ’d himself earlier in his run due to touching something illegal, or something along those lines, but they just decided it wasn’t worth getting into that on the broadcast.
(Oh, and also there’s some business where Adam Rayl used an obstacle on the power tower illegally when racing vs Gil, so they had to re-run the entire race.)
Overall, I wasn’t unhappy with the season. Daniel Gil has been (at worst) one of the top 3 or so ninjas for several years now, so is a deserving winner; and I thought the obstacle design was creative. But I do hope they go back to the normal format next year.
Also, Jessie Graff is apparently pretty badly injured, so the torch of top woman ninja has pretty clearly passed to Flex. Now to see if she can finally beat stage 1…
In many ways, Dag is the ideal ANW star. Committed to ANW and works hard all year, and has a fantastic attitude and a squeaky-clean slate, and he’s freaking outstanding. I’m certain that the only reason NBC wasn’t able to hype him up properly this year was that so much of his destiny was tied to Drew Dreschel…I already mentioned how the unbelievable delay in the pressing of charges robbed him of his rightful 100K. As it is, he shook off that disappointment to turn in two very impressive clutch performances en route to a lovely trophy and an equally lovely grand prize. There’s never been a moment where he was anything less than a force, and I’m thrilled that he finally got, if not his whole due, at least a decent chunk of it. All I want now is another team event, which is where he’s always turned on the afterburners and put the fear of Yukari into his pitiful foes. Come on, it’s been more than two years since NvN. It’s time!
Graff injured both shoulders badly enough to require surgery. There isn’t really much to say about this. She’s old. She can’t take the kind of punishment she used to. She’s outlasted Kacy Catanzaro and a score of other pretenders and also-rans (Speaking of which, anyone seen Natalie Duran lately? 
), and she’s pretty much left Michelle Warnky and Meagan Martin in the dust, in the process setting just about every mark that’s worth setting, so I won’t be sad to see her go.
Season 13 premieres on May 31.
I’m certainly glad that our insanely long national health crisis hasn’t completely killed this (especially after all the awkwardness caused by excising Drew Dreschel). My concern now is for the side events, American Ninja Warrior Junior, USA vs. The World, and Ninja vs. Ninja. These are the kind of events that absolutely need big screaming crowds, so they’re not viable at the moment, but even after we actually start getting sufficient vaccine supplies, I have doubts NBC would even want to bring them back. Near the end of ANWJ2 it became very obvious that they had major problems with the very idea of losing, to the point where Matt Iseman claimed… and this is a direct quote… “Falling can be fun. Splashing down doesn’t mean you failed.”… and they had three “pool parties” in the end just to say “See? Water not bad! Water not mean lose! Water fun!” I don’t have to tell you that this kind of attitude is not something that can be sustained long-term in a head-to-head contest. Add to that the fact that they’re seemingly having trouble even finding new contestants (I was a bit astonished as to how many returnees there were), and I wouldn’t be surprised if NBC just said “Well, we tried.” and pull the plug. UvTW still hasn’t found its footing… all the format changes, all the flameouts, all the bottom-feeders… and with the long layoff it’s only going to become even harder to form teams. NvN is a workable concept, but NBC seemingly never seems to get what they want (especially the championship matches, every one of which has been either a walkaway or a curbstomp), and yeah, who wants to see 15 women bungle the same obstacle. I’ve heard of no developments on any of these, or for that matter the all-star event (which I don’t see why it would be problematic at all).
Anyway, fingers crossed. My quick takes on the other issues brought up on americanninjawarrior.com:
Proposed reduction of age limit to 15 - I will give qualified support to this under one extremely critical condition, that EVERY POSSIBLE MEASURE is taken to minimize the chance of injury. I don’t want to see still-growing bodies get banged up for what’s essentially a meaningless contest. And I don’t ever want to see dislocated shoulders, torn knee ligaments, or ripped skin on-camera.
No walk-ins - Not a problem. The chance that we’ll actually miss out on a strong contender is marginal. In fact, I’d be all in favor of some kind of conditional registry system so we have fewer people who should know better wasting hours of their lives for the chance to get wet within five seconds.
One-attempt Mega Wall - The Mega Wall was a welcome addition and pretty much the only way we can have any drama whatsoever at the end of the quallies course. I don’t like that they only get one attempt… why?
No Power Tower in quallies - Good. Nobody gave a crap about the Speed Pass. May as well have competed for a glass of Pom Wonderful.
Fans wanting Invisible Ladder or Elevator Climb back - No. Tried and failed. Siffies had gotten too damn hard, and bringing in the much more sensible Spider Trap was a big step in the right direction. Let the dead rest.
Split Decision (choice of two balance obstacles in quallies; choice of an upper body blaster or a difficult balance task in siffies) - I like this. I like this a lot. No doubt the main motivation was to prevent really bad logjams, like the notorious Angry Birds fiasco, which would be a welcome change. The real benefit, though, is that it’s no longer going to be all gorilla arms all the time; now agility and coordination matter again. Can only make for a better contest!