Feeling a bit run down lately, so it took a while for me to get back to this. First, replying to Max’s season summary.
David: Total agreement, although that’s almost certainly his ceiling and now he gets to start asking himself if that’s good enough.
Hundred, Roman, new generation: Duh. 
Hansen: Agreed. I wasn’t paying any special attention to him, but by any metric he had a stellar season.
Stage 4: It is what it is (and that’s what makes Sasuke so special). I should note that Caldiero, Britten, and Dreschel were all in peak physical form, while the teenagers still have some growing up to do. If they keep up their skills into their college years (big if, as I already mentioned), it’s only a matter of time.
Levin: One of the harsh lessons of reality TV is that expectations almost always end up punching you in the face. I’ve decided to be glad for what he accomplished and being an inspiration to others, and if he stuffed up on the last and hardest step, he wasn’t the first and definitely won’t be the last.
Obstacle design: Whatevs. I’d like to see a junior event (not ANWJ, something akin to Division 3 football) where things like Jump Hang and Devil Steps and Body Prop would actually be challenging again. Otherwise, no dog in this fight.
Women: They got old and banged up. That’s really all there is to it. Frankly it’s a small miracle we saw Jessie Graff at all this year. As for the new crop of phenoms like Abby Clark and Katie Bone, give them time, for crying out loud. Maybe they develop into the next superstars, maybe they don’t. No expectations!
Old guard: All right, here’s the magic word, one which you must never, ever forget. “Editing”. NBC shows who they want to show. A contestant has to get to stage 3 to be assured of getting any airtime whatsoever, and even then there’s a small chance that his stage 3 run is going to get chopped down. I’m certain at least some the old guard was there (Covid more than likely thinned their numbers a fair amount), you just didn’t see them.
Stage 3: I’ll get to this in a bit.
And now…mmmmmmmmmmm…
I just wasn’t able to get passionate about the final day. I didn’t find it tired or anything…well, okay, the cliches and leitmotifs and “Million! MILLION!” flapdoodle were outrageously tired, but that’s nothing new. Mainly I felt that everything that needed to be said I already said in previous weeks, and the conclusion was just all the stuff I already said continuing to hold out.
It didn’t help that 11 contestants completed stage 2 and 5 of them conquered stage 3 (none of whom looked to be in serious trouble at any point). One of the great things about stage 3 was that there was no guarantee of anyone finishing, that it could all end right there, possibly very quickly. You got a real sense of which ninjas were great, which were pretty good, and which were just lucky. There was none of that this time. There was so much time left after the conclusion of stage 2 I just knew there had to be a stage 4, possibly a pretty packed one (which it was). There was a 3WA and an ondacorsrainao, either of which would’ve been utterly unthinkable a few years ago. Other than David and maybe one guy who got bumrushed in stage 2 (This too!), everyone looked like he could possibly make it. No no-result (And this!), hell, David, hand injury and all, made it as far as Ultimate Cliffhanger before giving out. It was a very workmanlike, by-the-book trip to Midoriyama…not the ANW I remember, and certainly not the one I became a big fan of.
The one thing that really grabbed me about this season…and here I’ll try not to repeat myself too much…is just how much dedication these athletes have. We’ve reached the point where training for months isn’t a sign of a fanatic, it’s practically required. Some, like “The Boss”, have been training their butts off before the first time they ever stepped on a Junior course. We’re now regularly seeing athletes who put just as much work into this as they would for an actual sport. It startles me, especially given how limited and low-paying this still is. I don’t even know what to make of it.
Aw, heck, I’ll just cover stage 4…
1:43 Mount Midoriyama, where an unprecedented 5 contestants have made it to the final test. Quick recap of Kaden Lebsack coming up well short but still claiming a resounding lance, for which I’ve honored him with the nickname “Hundred”.
1:44 Final thoughts from the fateful five and…you know how a common sign of aging is how police officers keep looking younger? That’s what I feel about this show and stage 3 completers.
All right, because this is the first time we’ve had multiple competitors here with a lance at stake, it’s going to be handled a little differently. Each gets 30 seconds for a shot at the million, but even if he doesn’t make it he gets to keep going to the buzzer. (There’s going to be the usual irritating timer wonkery which I will not waste your time explaining.) If no one qualifies for the ultimate prize, the fastest time takes the lance.
1:45 Josh Levin steps up, looking as powerful as ever. (Damn, it’s weird for him to be the “old” guy.) Simply making it to stage 3 was a triumph for him, much less 4; I can’t imagine the thoughts that must be racing through his mind now. He’s up. He’s…not very fast. He gets really slow at the 60’ mark. Final time, 54.19. The expression “worst of the best” comes to mind.
Zuri Hall jumps right in with the “so close” crap. 
1:47 RJ Roman already nailed a Mega Wall, so it will be marginally less crushing if he doesn’t triumph. Highly, ahem, creative edit (
) makes it hard to see how close he didn’t come, but his 44.60 still easily beats Levin. He looked as indomitable as Ozzy Osbourne from start to finish. This truly was a breakout year for him, and the fact that he’s not going to suffer The Place Of Eternal Torment (second) just makes it even sweeter. 
1:49 Josiah Pippel. Man, it seems like just yesterday when he was getting turned into roadkill by the Block C playoffs. He nailed a buzzer in both quallies and semis, which at this point is almost a requisite to make it this far. Can’t keep it up the whole distance, but still in at an impressive 37.97. There’s now absolutely no doubt that he’s the real deal, and doing so much better than Vance Walker has to be a huge boost to his confidence. Another young buck who will have some big decisions to make in college.
1:55 Ooh, it’s Ooh! Bodge mentions his “ideal strength-to-weight ratio”, which means that NBC is desperately trying to get this seen as a real sport for whatever dumb reason.
He thinks a million would be a very good start to his college career, which I agree with mainly because he won’t have to deal with knuckledraggers constantly ripping on him for wanting some help dealing with ruinous student loan debt. He’s up! He’s fast! He’s really fast! He’s…slowing down. And slowing down some more. He’s going to have to hustle to beat Pippel’s time. He’s going to…he whiffs on the buzzer!
Second swipe…it’s…IN TIME! 37.19!
“The good news for now…” So in other words, the lowest he can finish is second! You freaking suck, Hall. 
1:57 Hundred. “I’m going to make sure that what happened last year doesn’t happen again. I’ve been training hard this past year and I think I’m ready for it.” Holy…he’s doing insipid sports cliches? This kid is serious!
Still not quite fast enough for the grand 1M, but he still has a shot at Ooh’s mark. He’s hustling…it’s going to be close…it’s going to be close…it’s…36.77! Ladies and gentlemen, meet your back to back lancer. 
OKAY, TIME OUT - Geez, how would you like to be Geoff Britten now? That’s 5 reminders that he would be a million dollars richer if he hadn’t happened to compete on the one singular mono lone ichi season that had literally the one person in the entire goddam universe better than him (coupled, of course, with reality TV having the same sense of justice as Warner Brothers
). Now every season promises to give the knife several more good, hard twists.
Goddammit.
Wow. Seriously, I’m running out of things to say about Kaden Lebsack. I was there for his debut in ANWJ2, where NBC decided it would be a cool idea match him up against charging juggernaut Blake Feero in his very first fricking match, come all the way back to win his block (which, I remind you, wouldn’t have been possible in ANWJ1 or ANWJ3), only to have his worst-to-first bid cut short by Vance Walker at the height of his Roadrunner-esque invincibility. Here are the hard numbers: 2 ANWs, 0 splashdowns, 10 buzzers, 2 lances. He is having the kind of crushing, monstrous early dominance that defined the careers of Jeff Gordon, Evander Holyfield, and Shaquille O’Neal. And the scariest part? He’s only 16. He’s going to get stronger, faster, and tougher. I’m not going to make any brazen predictions (No hypocrisy here!
), but there’s no longer any shred of doubt that he’s the star of the show, and right now the only question is how far he’ll take this wild ride.
Normally this is the part where I break out the back-pats and hugs for Jay Lewis, but it really could’ve gone either way. He was in refuse-to-lose mode all season. He’ll be back. (If he finishes second again, well…banish the thought, I’m having enough misery in my life as it is.)
Family thingy next Monday. I’ll be right there with an exhausting play-by-play recap if I feel like it.