American Ninja Warrior

Cafe Society
842

Phew. I get why NBC wanted to cut down on the rampant Chariots of Fire-ing, but it’s going to take me a while to get used to this new pace. It’s at, no joke, Dancing With The Stars level right now, and once it gets to semis and “Every run is a race!” (which there’s absolutely no mistaking given that Eyes said it about five times), it could get even more intense. I’ve never seen so many 3WA’s in a single hour; the first batch alone had five or six. (Oh, and there’s another term, “minitzaggo”, because after fourteen seasons even Eyes appreciates a little variety.)

It’s reached the point where I have to take notes just to remember what to talk about. Fortunately I have plenty of index cards, so…

Simba Jones: Never dug “friendly abuse”; no desire to find out anything more about him. Also I don’t give a rip about his mother and her one facial expression. Jody Avila: Still got it; should be at least a darkhorse in semis. Madelyn Madaras: All right, I’ll consider a Peacock subscription, but I want seasons 3 and 4 in full before I make the jump. Grant McCartney: Age spares no one.

Daniel Gil still has it, like you even needed to ask. :slightly_smiling_face: For some reason NBC…again…showed his '19 Stage 4 run, and he acted like he was 100% guaranteed of winning the million as he made it. I don’t know what’s worse, losing out on 100K or having to live this damn lie year after year. Of course, he did take a nice 100K prize after the heavily altered Covid season, and tonight he made good on the tougher Mega Wall to tack on another ten grand. Right now he’s in the best position of anyone to become the #1 all-time money winner, but only if he gets a million somehow. I get the feeling that NBC would really like this…he’s a much better face of the sport than Isaac Caldiero or Drew Dreschel…and are setting him up for a big triumph. In any case, right now he’s the most intriguing story of this season.

And then there was Gary Weiland, which…ahhh. :weary: Why can’t Eyes and Bodge ever just say “Awesome move!” and leave it at that? Why does everything have to be so goddam inspirational? Personally, I thought he didn’t have a chance and how he got past Log Runner was brilliant…but that’s it! “What’s your excuse?” I have things to do, that’s what! :angry:

All right…

Sandy Zimmerman vs. Lindsey Darling - What better way to carry flag for the new crop of young women than a no-result? :woman_facepalming: Yep, Darling did just fine for the first 80% of the steps and then just plain went sideways. Now Zimmerman gets a shot at making the NASHINNULL FAINULLZZZ, provided she gets as nearly as hapless an adversary in semis, which looks unlikely.

Gary Weiland vs. James Thorwart - Thorwart’s thing is that he’s been in numerous accidents and never been injured, which on the face would seem to make him the ideal candidate for ANW. This would get resoundingly debunked as he completely blew away Weiland on the steps, only to follow up by screwing up the first lache on the shelves and going straight down. The two losers cleared a grand total of one obstacle tonight. :expressionless: And of course as much overblown hype for Weiland as it’s possible to pack in two two minutes.

Nope, still no thrilling down-to-the-wire finish! :grin: Hopefully this will change once more of the real contenders hit the course. I can’t see Katie Bone or Vance Walker soon enough.

843

Has anyone actually finished a race? I feel like if anybody has, it’s only been one or maybe two out of the 12 people who have run one so far.

844

There have been six head-to-head races so far this season, and only one where both contestants have so much as cleared the second obstacle. There are 8 qualifiers, right? So it sounds like we’re in for a lot more of these. Taylor Johnson finished last week, and I think one of the men, but not sure on that one. These races are shaping up to be lousy TV so far.

Agreed. They seemed to be calling him inspirational because he did something he enjoyed doing, same as any other person. Honestly, it was cool to see him make it past the log runner, but their infantilization of him (“OMG! He had his leg amputated and DIDN’T GIVE UP ON LIFE!!!”) kind of soured the moment for me.

845

I felt bad because I didn’t even consider it the best log roller save. Remember this guy?

846

Tonight was all about families, headlined by Jessie Graff. Now, you may wonder what she was even doing here tonight, as she’s famous (or infamous, by NBC’s standards) for never marrying or giving birth, so what kind of family does she have? Well, everyone has parents, right? You guessed it, mom Ginny MacColl not only is the latest feel-good grayhair to be here, she actually set a new milestone! At 71 she became the oldest contestant to clear at least one obstacle! (There was no sight or mention of Graff’s father, making it roughly a 99.9% chance that he’s long dead.) Expecting more than that was la-la land, especially given how insanely hard quallies has become…seriously, did you see that lache distance on Greased Lightning?..but in her first and hopefully last stint here, she has a mark which will very likely stand for all time. You go, what I’m supposed to say instead of “old woman”! :+1: As for Graff herself, pretty pedestrian by her standards (out quickly on #5), but it’s good to see her healthy and in high spirits. It’s almost unbelievable that at age 39 she’s still not only one of the top women in this event, she’s about to outlast all of her peers (and it could happen quickly if Clubhouse and Bars are declining as quickly as they look).

Other random notes:

  • Caitlin Bergstrom-Wright and Jake “Enabler” Bergstrom-Wright are married! Implications: 1. I’m against name hyphenation on general principle (it just makes things too cumbersome), so I don’t consider men doing it any big deal. 2. I’ll have to check again, but it looks like the !!MARRIAGE!! means that brother Caleb is now permanently on the back burner. Shame; they were fun to watch. 3. I still don’t understand how Jake can have that kind of physique given all the high-calorie desserts he apparently just constantly shovels down his throat.
  • 15-year-old ANWJ standouts Roberto and Nacssa Garemore hit the course, the latter not only doing much better but reaching the buzzer. However, because they were raised to be respectful of their adopted land, they didn’t do a mortifying worked-shoot contest or a moronic bet or anything disgusting. They just did their best and had a great time. I like these boys a lot. I want to see more of them. :slightly_smiling_face:
  • Wow, if I were Brandon Mears I’d be seriously cheesed off. So many long-runners and stars have left without so much as a “see ya”, you’d think that if NBC knew when one was stepping out, they’d turn it into a Death of Princess Diana-style months-long epic farewell tour…and the time was when it would’ve gone down like that. So Mears makes his announcement, and Eyes and Bodge repeat like three flipping times, and after two minutes it’s “What a champ okay moving on!” Damn this being the season they decide to jack up the pace! Don’t get me wrong, that was absolutely the right call, it’s just highly unusual that it actually happened.
  • A friendly reminder that RJ Roman totally kicks butt. :boom: Seriously, he’s displaying Sean Bryan levels of course crushitude.

Jason Grossman vs. Nygle (sp.?) Henry (3WA) - Man, they’re really struggling to keep it within one hour. Typical case of the weaker contestant gradually falling further and further behind until he decides not to prolong the suffering and splashes, here on #4 Honeycomb. Grossman also went down, but on #5 Sideways, thus locking up a drama-, controversy-, and any possibility of excitement-free distance win.

Jaleesa Himka vs. Amelia Leonardi - Honest to Keiki, if I knew I’d be seeing Himka again, I’d have made more of an effort to get her name right in ANWJ1. Leonardi is a young cheerleader who regrettably reinforces a negative stereotype about cheerleaders when she says she wants to cheer for…her words, not mine…“Alabama for college”. :face_with_raised_eyebrow: This match is just as highlight reel-proof as the men’s, as Himka calmly pulls steadily further away and hits the buzzer while Leonardi gives out on Sideways. But we did get a buzzer! That’s something, right? Right?

847

Well, it looks like NBC is going to be skipping a week for absolutely no possible reason I can think of (there’s one day in July that necessitates any schedule finagling whatsoever and it’s on a Tuesday this year). The only good news is that I got to spend more time on this one, which I definitely needed. Hah…I’ve tried to be open-minded about it, but after five episodes I’m now firmly convinced that this new warp-drive format is not an improvement. A few aspects are better, but the product as a whole isn’t better. The big problem (much more than bringing in head-to-head competition) is that the show is so rushed we hardly get to spend time with anyone. Remember Kacy Catanzaro’s epic 11-minute conquest for the ages? Mark Bernardo baring his soul about his relationship with his father? David making a stand for justice and encouraging a younger generation to do the same? Those kinds of powerful moments are impossible now, and as a result we have a whole bunch of interchangable moments, contestants, and interviews that just run into each other. When Kaden Lebsack just gets kinda thrown in there (easy pass, no Mega), there’s a problem. On top of that, Eyes and Bodge are clearly struggling hard to get each episode in under the wire (which has never been a problem for them before); the wrapups are approaching Mojo Jojo territroy. If this goes on much longer, the producers will soon have a serious problem on their hands: How do they make new stars? Jessie Graff, Joe Moravsky, and Daniel Gil won’t be around forever, but how can they build up and hype up the new crop when we barely see them for few seconds each?

And I know I grumbled about the pacing. But the problem wasn’t that the contestants were too slow (usually), it was that the camera would cut away to the peanut gallery or the announcers or a keeyoot widdle baybeee every five goddam seconds, and there’d be tons of gratuitous slow-mos and replays and leitmotifs, and there’d be too way too much cheering and egging on the crowd and giving thanks after every goddam obstacle. (Plus all the screaming directly into the camera, remember that?) Now there’s a lot less quantity of that rubbish, but also much less time given to the action on the course, so the proportion of noise to signal is still annoyingly high. On top of that, some stories that could’ve actually been interesting or funny are getting mercilessly chopped down along with the junk. I would’ve liked to know more about the Accident Survivor Ninja, I really would!

I’m at a loss as to why NBC took such a drastic turn. Of course they’re constantly tweaking the formula (this may be the most reworked reality show in history), but why not test the waters with a 90-minute program instead of going full burner right out of the gate? I can’t imagine money would be the motive, given the incredibly paltry amount this show still pays out (plus a 1-hour program is going to have half the commercial revenue of a 2-hour program).

And now I’m tired, so I’ll have to delve into the episode tomorrow. Would appreciate hearing what you think about this new format. I have the feeling that it’s going to be pretty contentious among the fandom.

In other news, the sadly inevitable finally happened.

848

Funny, I see that as a net positive. Remember last season, when they would have all these gimmicks with people at the starting line chopping wood or playing the trumpet or playing with fidget spinners? And then right when you think the run is finally going to start, they launch into some story about the runner’s facial hair, or how the runner is a good older brother to his younger siblings? I really appreciate how much of the show is dedicated to showing the runs this season.

849

But you see, that’s the problem: It’s not “dedicated to showing the runs”, it’s taking the knives to EVERYTHING, including the number of runs shown. Notice how may 3WAs there are? 5 in a row is routine now. And yes, I was cheesed off by those goofball antics as much as anyone, but at some point I realized that I had to take the bad with the good. If Grant McCartney reenacting his mortifying summer camp skit is the price to pay for Kevin Bull educating us about alopecia or Barclay Stockett announcing that she’s out and proud, so be it.

My current WAG is that some of the teens are going to grumble about their profiles not making it to the broadcast, and that’ll be the end of that.

Okay, at long last a whole buncha random notes about the episode of…June 26? June 26.

Taylor Greene. I really don’t think I need to say much more at this point (at least until I can pick up ANWJ3 somewhere). She’s a phenom; that much is beyond doubt. I just want something to happen where I can see her a lot more. See, that’s the problem I have with these breathtaking athletes, especially the women, having so much of their identity revolve around a show like this, how briefly they’re in the spotlight (and even more so with this season on Turbo Mode). Seeing Taylor Amann debase herself for an asinine bet just to get more screen time was heartbreaking. I want her to get into a real sport, one with publicity and ESPN coverage and stat lines, and the sooner the better.

“Blue Jeans Ninja” is the most generic, pointless nickname I have ever heard. For ANYTHING. It’s along the lines of “Water And Lean Proteins Ninja” or “Comfortable Shoes Ninja”. :roll_eyes:

Nice effort by Doghouse, but I gotta ask: How freaking long are they going to be “engaged”? There’s a baby on the way, dangit! At SOME point I want him to just come out and say what he really wants, which is most definitely not legally sanctioned couplehood. Don’t be afraid, big guy! As long as you don’t abandon the kid, you’ll come out okay!

Wanted more time spent on those 200 impressions and CycloCross.

Overdressed got exactly what he deserved (out on Domino Run, way short of the top 12). You do not boast about that needlessly complicated move you’re going to pull on the Mega Wall before you’ve even demonstrated that you’re good enough to get there. Hopefully this teaches him a little humility.

I’m a bit stunned that anyone went out on Warped Wall, much less a stud like Tyler Yamauchi. Did he just get fatigued?

Still find enormous cat-head cutouts just plain creepy. Do not want. :grimacing:

Alex Nye doing that Indiana Jones bit was pretty cute (wonder how many takes it took), but it was just too short to impress me.

Drew Marinelli vs. James Winston - Marinelli got off to an early lead as his foe narrowly avoided catastrophe on Home Run, and he was smooth as silk almost all the way through Beehive, and you know where this is going, right? Completely loses the handle for no discernible reason on the last hex-cluster, allowing Winston to almost take a bath again, make a one-handed save, complete Beehive, and just to rub salt in the wound proceed to completely kludge Hopscotch. Super dubious barely-enough-distance win.

Ally Tippets Wootton vs. Kyndall McKenzie - McKenzie was by far the oldest woman we saw tonight (#1-3 were 15, 18, and 15 respectively, just to put it in perspective), and she showed her age with a quick dunking on Beehive. An relaxed-looking Wootton nonchalantly left her behind all the way to the buzzer. Wow, a walkaway, that’s…a slight improvement from a certain perspecdtive. :woman_shrugging:

850

On the one hand, I really want to discount these head-to-head runs as being not legitimate buzzers if you hit it. On the other hand, the percentage of buzzers hit is so low that it kind of does seem almost legitimate.

Which reminds me, I think they said that Lebsack hit 12 buzzers in the last two seasons. Did I hear that right? I’m not sure how the math works out on that. Are they counting power towers?

851

I don’t think Lebsack’s ever made it to the power tower. They must be counting his rope climb buzzers, which he did hit both times – just not fast enough to earn a million dollars.

852

Okay, that makes sense. It sounds like Lebsack has hit every buzzer he has ever faced. I feel like that would be a more impressive way to tout that than to say 12 buzzers in two seasons.

853

Regarding buzzers, this is one of those deals where having comprehensive stats would help a lot. Even if you dismiss PvP buzzers (I probably would), there’s still the matter of which stage and which season. There’s no way a quallies buzzer should count as much as, say, a stage 2. (In the early seasons, from easiest to hardest I’d rank them quallies, Stage 1, Stage 2, siffies, Stage 4, and Stage 3.) For that matter, why should a buzzer before the difficulty of quallies and siffies got jacked through the roof count as much as a buzzer after? That’s exactly the reason no one’s ever touching Joe Moravsky: he piled up lots of buzzers at a time when it was actually possible to do so. It’s a nice way to build up hype and nothing more.

854

Now that you mention it, the act of counting buzzers at all is a relatively recent phenomenon. If I remember correctly, season 12 was the first time number of buzzers was ever mentioned – they talked about how Jessie Graff and Jesse Labreck were tied for most buzzers among women, and they listed some of the stats re. number of buzzers that some long-time ninjas had as well.

My best guess as to why they suddenly started talking about total number of buzzers is because season 12 was so different from the others because of COVID. Prior to that season, the announcers would mention stats related to that particular course, e.g., “He’s finished the last three city finals courses” or “He’s hit more stage 2 buzzers than any other ninja.” Then all of a sudden, there were no city finals, there was no stage 2, and they needed some way to fill the air time that would make sense to first-time viewers.

But you’re right, the number of buzzers is pretty meaningless for exactly the reasons you mentioned, and I think that after stage 12 they should have just gone back to their old method of saying stuff like “She’s completed three qualifier courses. Can she do it again?”

855

Wow. David Campbell as a “while we were away”? An era is ending.

856

John Uga…ugh. Not good. Given all the very high-profile cases of police excess in recent history, the last thing you want to play up is the bustin’-perps aspect. It may be hard to believe, but good cops do lots of nice, helpful things. Friendly reminders about violations. Emergency calls. Settling disputes before they get violent. Cordoning off hazardous areas. Maybe you could talk about that a bit more? Oh yeah, bonus points for shackling Eyes and Bodge for the first run, conveniently freeing them after that, and then even more conveniently restoring the bondage for the head-to-head. :roll_eyes: Hell’s Kitchen has less ham-handed editing than this.

Michelle Warnky Burma…mmm. I already mentioned my distaste for shoving cameras in babies’ faces and why building a profile around premature delivery isn’t the greatest idea. My real concern here (other than the show’s continued revulsion to the fact that babies don’t stay babies) is what’s going to happen when the precious miracle child turns out to be the same useless bungling screwup as all the rest. I speak from painful experience here. I was “brilliant”, “gifted” child growing up (which basically meant that I could read beyond “See Spot Run” level and had enough sense to not jump off a bridge even if everyone else was), which my parents took as a sign that I’d have the Unified Field Theory nailed by age 10. They also subscribed to the “pound harder” method of reinforcement…the idea if you make a BIG EFFORT and spend LOTS OF MONEY, even if the concept is absolutely cockamamie and/or made by overprivileged out-of-touch Boomers for overprivileged out-of-touch Boomers (do not get me started on Shapedown) you’re entitled to results. Look…kids are a crapshoot. Always. For the freaking entirety of human history parents have tried ten million formulas of breeding, environment, stimulation, food, play, rearing, and education that would produce a sweet little angel or a scientific wizard or an iron-jawed warrior or a strapping young apprentice or a billionaire CEO or the next President or the next NBA megastar and have hit for a perfect goose egg. There is a very good chance that this girl, whom MWB put so much effort into saving, is going to turn out to be absolutely nothing special, and a fairly good chance that she’s not going to give one solitary damn about obstacle course racing. I just hope she’s ready for it.

On an unrelated note, I like how “MWB” works and therefore will use it from now on. :grin:

Amy Harski vs. Brittney Durant (3WA) - There was already some grumbling at Primetimer about how some pretty suspect efforts were good enough for the runoff. Given that these two only cleared the first obstacle, the former with a time of 4.17 and the later 5.22, I’m pretty sure the bad blood is only going to increase. Of course, as I’ve stated numerous times, seeding would fix this right away by preventing any top- or bottom-heavy episodes, but somehow that never comes up as an option. :slightly_frowning_face: Anyway, the 38-year-old Harski continues an unfortunate trend by losing her footing on Home Run…geez, another no-result?..giving Durant free reign to complete Beehive and get on Hopscotch, which alas is all we get to see. Gee, what are the odds that she didn’t hit the buzzer…otherwise they would’ve shown that…and splashed on Hopscotch but they just didn’t have time…y’know, I’m pretty sure this show wasn’t always this predictable.

John Uga vs. Daniel Navarro - Navarro was never in contention, meaning the only question was what the margin would be. And it was…speed! Uga was on the cusp of completing Hopscotch but just couldn’t hold on to the last…scotch-square (if you know what these things are supposed to be called, by all means enlighten me). Navarro, who took a long time to start, struggled valiantly but took the plunge two steps from the end.

857

I find it interesting that there is now a men’s seeding. It used to be the best of anyone, plus then a separate seeding for women if they didn’t happen to qualify in the general. But there is no more general.

It’s pretty obvious it has to be that way in order to ensure an even number of men and women for the semis, but it did strike me as interesting.

858

Random notes:

I know the contestant always presents this as some fun little thing, but “I get X if I hit the buzzer” is a sucker bet and I really don’t like to see it. It’s Jeannie Mai betting on winning Dancing With The Stars when it became plainly obvious from week 2 that she had zero chance. Quallies has gotten so hard that an all-or-nothing proposition makes zero sense. Oh yeah, definitely looking forward to all the shrieking over whether a runoff buzzer counts as winning the bet. :roll_eyes::sleeping:

I just have to accept that the surgeon who did the lifesaving surgery will forever be a ghost, won’t I? Also, I really think that a contestant should have the option of ending the run…for ANY reason…and get zero crap. Sometimes you just have to protect your body, and with evreerunarais (I probably won’t make that a regular thing) on the horizon, even a minor injury can spell doom.

Ah, yes, crapping all over one of the few abundant sources of energy we’ll have in the near future, that’s just what I want from my reality TV. :rage:

Do not like the implication that adoption is a bad thing and a mother totally unprepared for motherhood should just tough it out. I’ve seen what comes of this. :angry:

It’s important to instill a work ethic in children, but I’m not going to applaud a teenager working three jobs. That’s just feeding into the exploitative capitalist machine. A teenager making a positive difference…thwarting bullies, teaching tolerance, helping to distribute contraceptives, or just taking aside the fat/ugly/dorky/shy kid and letting him that he has a friend…that I could get 100% behind.

I still have trouble wrapping my head around the concept of “professional mermaid”.

Glad that Vance Walker seems to have gotten his form back. It doesn’t look like college sports is in his future, so if he’s going to be here for the next four years I want him to be a force.

Eyes mentioned how Bars has never hit a buzzer, a reminder of how unfortunate it is that for all her talent she’s never been able to break into the top echelon. Hopefully match competition is more up her alley, and I definitely could see her pulling off an upset or two.

Audrey Collins vs. Erick Zamorano (3WA) - Collins completely failed to get a grip on the first shelf of Flying Shelf Grab, thereby accomplishing the rare feat of going out as early as possible without no-resulting. (If this show doesn’t have a Kid Speedy Award, it should.) Zamorano got as far as the 4th, Sideways, before taking the plunge, making it a slaughter on paper and a yawnfest in every other aspect.

Anna McArthur vs. Rachel Beth Drake - I learned on a YouTube comments section (of all places :slightly_smiling_face:) that Johnny Pemberton was 35 years old when he played the titular high schooler on Son of Zorn. He was just such a babyface that it was completely seamless. I got a similar vibe from Drake, who is 20 years old but is so petite (4’ 10") and sounds so petite that she could easily pass for a preteen. Anyway, McArthur takes the lead and never looks back, horse race narrative, Drake down on first Sideway, McArthur ends the night with a pretty walkaway. Man, there seems to have been really few buzzers this season, hasn’t there?

859

This is what convinced me that the runoff buzzers don’t count as buzzers. There is some (relatively low) number of women who have ever hit a buzzer, and I don’t think the runoffs should count for that. Especially because doing really well means you’ll never get a chance to face that buzzer.

860

The real shame here was that both of these women were, by the standards of this season, legit… and could easily have made top 4 in one of the other episodes in which the runoff was failed-on-obstacle-2 vs failed-on-obstacle-2.

Apparently that lasso obstacle is just HARD, given how few people cleared it between this episode and last. Maybe that last jump-up-grab isn’t quite as hard as the blind grab on the falling shelves in stage 2 two years ago that just wiped out an entire generation, but it’s probably up there. I wonder whether the rope flopping around just adds an element of unpredictability beyond even most obstacles.

861

Seems to me that if you keep your grip high on the rope, it’s fairly easy. If your grip slips down, it’s nigh impossible. The real hard part is keeping your grip high for the first two moves so that the third move remains easy.