Tip of the hat, since despite Flip’s team getting eliminated, you saw them much more clearly than I did.
The Ronin I saw in the previous installment didn’t show up until the last two runs, and then bang bang they’re out. Until then they dominated with ease, which just goes to show how poorly set up this format is.
Let’s try and brainstorm a better format. Ideally stick with the current team make-up of two guys and a girl, but everything just needs to be roughly equivalent. Around 24 total teams, roughly six weeks of prelims, then two weeks for the championship. Approximately 13-15 runs per episode, two competitors compete in any given run.
I’m thinking three teams per episode do round robin. For notation I’ll use M, W, C to refer to first Man, the Woman, and the Captain, with numbers 1-3 for the teams. Captain’s choice who runs any given run like now, but for simplicity I’ll just list the default runs:
M1 vs M2
M1 vs M3
M2 vs M3
W1 vs W2
W1 vs W3
W2 vs W3
C1 vs C2
C1 vs C3
C2 vs C3
Hmmm, that’s only 9 runs, need to get 4-6 more but adding a fourth team would double the total runs to 18, so this isn’t starting off great. How about we add in an additional sequence of “first man vs captain” runs, again having everyone compete vs everyone:
M1 vs C2
M1 vs C3
M2 vs C1
M2 vs C3
M3 vs C1
M3 vs C2
That’s 6 more runs, for a nearly perfect total of 15.
The round robin format would of course have scoring. I’m thinking 2 points for winning a run, 1 point for completing a run. Meaning if you hit the buzzer first you earn 3 points, and if you lose but make it up the wall you get 1. This has the added bonus of giving legit incentive to finish the course regardless if you win or lose.
Every run would also be timed, plus the number of obstacles completed would also be tracked. At the end of the round robin, the top two teams would compete in the relay to see who wins the episode and advances to the championship. Scoring / tie breakers to determine who the top two team are would be:
The glaring issue with this format is that of the 15 round robin runs, only 3 include women. That doesn’t work so great. (EDIT: Or maybe that’s close enough? Right now, the actual format they’re using is anywhere from 12-16 runs with 4 runs involving women, except that one contrived oddity with the women running the tiebreaker run. That episode had 5 woman runs.)
Personally, I think a straight-up round robin would work fine. There are only two possible results, 2-2-1-1 and 3-2-1-0, eliminating the need for clumsy tiebreakers. The only drawback I could see would be that you need an incentive for a team that went 2-0 or 0-2 to play to win in the third round. For the former case, I propose that a team that wins all three heats gets to select the order for both teams in the final. (Yeah, it’s gimmicky. NW is gimmicky. Deal.) The latter could be taken care of with a 3rd-place wildcard, or…here’s a wild idea!..prize money. Or maybe an exemption in the regular contest.
Or if that’s too complicated/crass, how about the incredibly simple step of giving the winning teams in the first round an advantage in the second? Say, a 2-second head start for each leg. Not so massive that there’s no hope for the underdog, yet enough so that taking the first round actually means something.
I’m thinking that NBC is going to prefer a small tweak to an overhaul. We’ll just have to wait and see.
Just a heads-up. The second USA vs. The World will be playing next week on Esquire, same time (it’s 6:00 where I live).
TEAM NINJA WARRIOR SEMIFINAL #2 AND FINAL
The championship will be run the same as the previous final matches.
Fifth obstacle: Spin Cycle. Unchanged from first semifinal.
Expendabulls (4-3): Alan Connealy, Luci Romberg, Kevin Bull
Party Time (5-1): Jake Murray, Jennifer Tavernier, Brian Arnold
Storm Team (4-3): Rob Moravsky, Marybeth Wang, Joe Moravsky
Lab Rats (5-2): Chris Wilczewski, Michelle Warnky, Brian Wilczewski
= 1st match: Expendabulls vs. Party Time =
__L: Connealy vs. Murray - Connealy jumps to an early lead, but Murray is quicker through Swing Jump and surges ahead. Connealy closes the gap in the final two but comes up short. Murray/finish
__W: Romberg vs. Tavernier - Romberg gets a bad swing on Swing Jump, completely messes up the transition, and goes straight down; Tavernier takes her time making it official. Tavernier/distance
__A: Bull vs. Arnold - A very even match against a pair of remarkably similar-looking captains. Arnold gets tied up just a little bit at Swing Jump, and Bull surges ahead. But Arnold refuses to give up, charging hard at the wall…and…Bull takes it by seven hundredths of a second! SOO CLOOOOSEE!! SOOOOOOO CLLLLLOOOOOOOSSSSSSEEEEE!!! Bull/finish
__T: Bull vs. Arnold - SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…different. Arnold has a better feel for the course this time, and any hope of Bull making it a contest gets squashed when he completely mishandles the first transition on Spin Cycle. Arnold walks to victory and gives a “whaddya gonna do” gesture. Arnold/finish
PARTY TIME WINS
= 2nd match: Storm Team vs. Lab Rats =
__L: R.Moravsky vs. C.Wilczewski - How many times are we going to see this? “The Adonis” looks good through two obstacles, falters a bit on the net, then completely blows it on Dancing Stones. This time he stumbles forward and hits the barrier facefirst, and Gbajabiamila fears he may have broken a tooth (he didn’t). Wilczewski skips by for the point. C.Wilczewski/distance
__W: Wang vs. Warnky - By any measure Warnky is the superior competitor, and she wastes no time proving it. Despite her left foot skimming the water on Swing jump, she takes a cautious approach through Dancing Stones and makes it through with no trouble, then widens the gap at Spin Cycle. The wall was just a formality after that. Warnky/finish
__A: J.Moravsky vs. B.Wilczewski - Moravsky knows the pressure’s on and responds big time, powering through the first three obstacles. He takes a risky jump at Dancing Stones and makes it pay off. The younger Wilczewski simply doesn’t have his energy and falls further and further behind. Moravsky gets right on Spin Cycle, makes the first transition easily, and…has a little trouble with the second. Wilczewski narrows the gap but is still a hoop behind. Moravsky makes the second transition and…loses the handle! His hands just slip right off and he takes the plunge (which he latter attributes to a simple mental error). And just like that, it’s a sweep, my worst fears confirmed, the naysayers clearing their throats, Storm Team’s Cinderella chances looking bleaker than ever, the textbook looming large and looking to strike back with a vengeance. B.Wilczewski/distance
LAB RATS WINS
= 3rd match: Party Time vs. Storm Team =
Because Esquire has a lot to cover today, they’re 3WA-ing the slowest heat of this match first. No points for guessing which.
__W: Tavernier vs. Wang - Wang is faster through 5 obstacles. Tavernier can take it by going up the wall but for some reason doesn’t this time, and Storm Team maintains a tiny flicker of hope. Wang/speed
__L: Murray vs. R.Moravsky - Good lord, this is just freaking sad now. Cousin Rob takes a gigantic splash on Swing Jump, then proceeds to slip all over the place on Dancing Stones, bounce of the landing pad, and land on his butt. Murray…doesn’t, which is plenty good enough. R.Moravsky leaves the contest a dismal 0-4. Murray/distance
__A: Arnold vs. J.Moravsky - The stronger, fresher Arnold takes the early lead. But an uncharacteristic misstep on the Swing Jump exit allows Moravsky to surge ahead, and he’s flawless through Dancing Stones. As long as he doesn’t lose his head at Spin Cycle, he has a chance. He’s on. Arnold’s on. Moravsky makes the first transition. Arnold makes the first transition. Moravsky…gets hung up! Arnold makes the second transition! And that’ll do it; Moravsky runs for his life but can’t close such a huge gap. He lies face-down on top of the wall and looks utterly whipped, so much that Arnold actually consoles him. Ye gods. Arnold/finish
PARTY TIME WINS
= 4th match: Lab Rats vs. Expendabulls =
Another leadoff/woman swap, but it looks like no matchup finagling this time.
__W: Warnky vs. Romberg - Romberg knows that if she’s going to have a whisper of a ghost of a prayer of winning this, she has to get to Warped Wall first. She responds, running hard through Sonic Swing and getting a very good push on Log Grip. Then Swing Jump is up…and she has trouble on the net, allowing Warnky to catch up. They hit Dancing Stones at the same time, and Warnky is slightly less timid, getting through first. It’s all but over now. Warnky has little trouble with Spin Cycle, while Romberg is seemingly stuck on extra rinse. So now all Warnky has to do is…she fails to get up the wall! And she fails again! Romberg’s been sizing up the wall all this time, and now, she, she, HAS THE CHANCE TO PULL OFF…a hideous bungle of a first attempt. And just like that you know she’s not getting up there, and that makes it academic; Romberg fails again, Warnky fails again, Romberg fails again again, and that’s it. Anyone still think women making it up Warped Wall isn’t a big deal anymore? 
Warnky/speed
__L: C.Wilczewski vs. Connealy - Connealy is way faster through two obstacles but, true to form, gets tied up on Swing Jump. Wilczewski takes a fair amount of water but doesn’t go down in Dancing Stones. So it comes down to Spin Cycle. Connealy makes the first transition easily but gets hung up. But Wilczewski also gets hung up…but Connealy stays hung up, and Wilczewski makes it through! His shoes slip a bit on the wall, but he has enough momentum to get up, and by now the gap is too big for Connealy to close. That’s four heats and four losses for the hard-luck Connealy, two of them by less than a second (and he’s looked a lot better than R.Moravsky). C.Wilczewski/finish
__A: B.Wilczewski vs. Bull - Bull’s been in this hole before, so you know he’s not going down without a fight. He shows his superior athleticism early, blitzing past his opponent in the first two and avoiding trouble on Swing Jump. Now Dancing Stones…and he completely misfoots the last step and faceplants on the mat!
So now the younger Wilczewski, who was well behind and saw everything, only needs to make it safely through to seal the sweep and punch his team’s ticket to the final. He takes a quick look…
**OHHHHH NOOOO! TRE…**nah, not gonna pull that crap again. 
B.Wilczewski/distance
LAB RATS WINS
Two very strong teams now run for the second semis. It’s looking like a tremendous uphill battle for Team TNT no matter who they face.
Actual Gbajabiamila quote: “This is like the NFC Championship game. Win and you’re going to the Super Bowl.” 
Uh…I don’t even…gah, screw it.
= Final: Party Time (WLA) vs. Lab Rats (WAL) =
Tavernier is faster through Sonic Swing, but Warnky gets a better push on Log Grip, and they’re even through Swing Jump. Both second leggers struggle on Spin Cycle and end up making the tag at the same time. So now it comes down to the elder Wilczewski against Arnold, best of one, man against man, three obstacles to decide it all, and it’s…going…to…be…
…another disappointment, as Arnold is far better on upper body obstacles…which, you’ll remember, are what the Three Obstacles To Decide It All are all about…and worse, the elder Wilczewski is just about completely out of gas at this point. Arnold cruises to triumph.
PARTY TIME WINS
MVP picks: Murray, Warnky, Arnold
=== Championship match: Team TNT vs. Party Time (both WLA) ===
Tavernier opens up an early lead. Shahboz, once again, has a lot of trouble with Swing Jump, and Murray gets a huge jump, reaching Spin Cycle before “the other Arnold” has even begun Dancing Stones. TOA closes the gap but Murray still easily makes the tag first. Arnold begins the third leg in the lead, but Rosen…The Ageless Wonder!..will not let him pull away. Arnold powers up the ladder, but Rosen won’t let him pull away. Arnold gets a smooth rhythm through the first tilt ladder, and Rosen still won’t let him pull away! Transition, no problem, and Arnold dismounts first! But here comes Rosen, WHO SIMPLY REFUSES…
Oh. Oh my. That looks painful.
Rosen bounces off the edge of the landing platform and falls the remaining distance to the cold, hard concrete, landing on his knees, and Arnold can relax and enjoy the ride now. You can hear the bitterness in Iseman’s voice as he realizes that this is going to be, if not the Worst Championship Match Ever, definitely down there.
PARTY TIME WINS
Whew. What a ride. Evaluations and such a bit later.
DKW: Thanks for your updates all season.
I wish the final relay had been a bit more interesting, rather than just the same course we’ve already seen over and over. It also seems like one team had WAY more rest than the other, although that’s always hard to tell.
Still, a fun show, I’m looking forward to next season, although it could definitely use some tweaks.
That would take 18 runs, compared to the 12-16 they have now. I’m not sure they could fit 18 runs into an episode, seeing as how they occasionally skip runs for time in the 12-16 format.
Max - Hey, cool, you’re welcome. The thing is, if you go back a few years, you’ll run into lots of pretty in-depth stuff I wrote about American Idol, Survivor, The Amazing Race, Hell’s Kitchen, Dancing With The Stars and any number of one-offs. It’s just that lately there’s hardly anything I actually like watching nowadays, and the stuff that is any good keeps getting discontinued. (I thought Whodunnit had a fantastic premise and just needed some fine-tuning to become a huge hit, but apparently nobody agreed with me.) I can go on for pages about just about anything I care about (no, really ), but I’d much rather be eager long than bitter long. And in that regard, Ninja Warrior is just in the right place for me right now, honest no-BS competition, good vibes all around, and really no way to ruin it.
Well, I was going to do this big power rankings thing with the leadoffs, women, and anchors, but between my work and this goddam Windows 10 debacle (More on this later…for now, suffice to say that I briefly considered switching to IMac because of this. That’s how bad it got.), I’m just flat-out drained. And when I really think about it, there’s not a whole lot more to say. Brian Arnold kicked butt; if you want a “season MVP”, well, he’s the man. Other than that, the three biggest problems, as far as I can see are 1. Women having next to no impact on the overall results, 2. No real advantage to winning the first leg, and 3. Too much sameness in the contests. I’m bewildered that the semis and final used the exact same course. I’m actually going to post a comment on Esquire’s YouTube channel sometime voicing these concerns. Not sure if it’ll make any impact, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
Recorder box completely screwed up yesterday’s broadcast (damn, I cannot believe how many headaches that thing has given us in such short time…our flippin’ zip drive wasn’t this unreliable), so I had to catch today’s re-repeat. Cannot think Esquire enough for rerunning these things into the ground.
All right, here we go!
=== 3rd international Ninja Warrior competition: USA vs. The World 2 ===
Team USA: Isaac Caldiero, Geoff Britten, Drew Dreschel, Kevin Bull, Ian Dory
Caldiero has been flying high since his historic (and ridiculously controversial, but let’s not focus on the negative here) triumph, and a strong showing here could set him on the path to legend status. Britten has to be stinging after being thus far the only person to Hit Six Buttons (which more than a few competitors made a pretty big damn deal out of going into 2015) and walk away empty-handed; coming up strong here would definitely help with future paydays. A very solid team overall, but can they avoid the mistakes that sunk last year’s squad?
Team Europe: Tim Shieff, Sean McColl, Stefano Ghisolfi, Tim Champion, Alexander Mars
I’m still wondering how a Canadian gets to be on this team. McColl, of course, was the hero of last year (after briefly flirting with goathood); will he shine again or will the pressure get to him? With the nucleus largely intact, it could be a simple matter of whether they can put points on the board early, as digging themselves out of another 6-1 hole looks highly unlikely.
Team Japan: Yusuke Morimoto, Ryo Matachi, Kenji Takahashi, Masashi Hioki, Tomohiro Kawaguchi
Having racked up a grand total of zero points in the first two competitions, the Sasuke brain trust obviously decided that a big overhaul was needed. And so veteran savvy has been replaced with crushing size. “Crushing” for Japan, that is. We’ll see if this change in attitude helps them. (Probably won’t. :p)
Each Stage has total of three head-to-head-to-head runs. The farthest distance on each run wins; if more than one go the same distance, the fastest time wins. Stage 1 is worth 1 point per win, Stage 2 2 points, and Stage 3 3 points. If there’s a tie, it goes to a sudden death playoff on Stage 4.
Stage 1: Piston Road, Propeller Bar, Silk Slider, Jumping Spider, Sonic Curve, Warped Wall, Coin Flip, Flying Triple Swing
Round 1: Caldiero, Matachi, Mars
__Caldiero sets a very good pace through the first two obstacles and hesitates just a bit on Silk Slider. But then he makes too high a jump on Jumping Spider, his feet are unable to find purchase, and he goes down, just like that. Pressure much?
__Matachi, the only competitor to have competed on all three international competitions, says that “we have failed twice too many”. Given that this statement implies that Japan actually had a prayer in both contests, this has to be yet another example of the culture’s famed ability to grossly downplay anything. Ahem…he gets off to a brisk start but can’t complete Silk Slider faster than Caldiero. Which means that…the point won’t be his, as he seemingly can’t get his limbs to work together on and goes out in the same spot.
__Whoa, I didn’t know there was a Ninja Warrior UK. And a Ninja Warrior Sweden. Will have to check it out sometime. Mars, the Swedish unknown, has a pretty easy inauguration into international competition, just needing to conquer the infernal Jumping Spider to claim first blood. And…he…doesn’t! He hits the back of the trampoline and doesn’t get anywhere near the power he needs! Which means that Caldiero claims the most improbable victory we’ll see for probably at least the first half hour!
Caldiero/speed - USA 1
Round 2: Champion, Takahashi, Bull
__The English Champion is Europe’s other rookie and a veteran gymnast. His agility serves him well, and he sets a decent pace through 8 obstacles. But Flying Triple Swing, of all things, lays him low; his grip completely fails him on the net and he takes a hard plunge. He later claims that he was looking ahead and “rushed the last bit”.
__Takahashi is a veteran powerhouse, and he has a ton of confidence going in, but I’m guessing he’ll lose a fair amount of it after a spectacular tumbling wipeout on Propeller Bar.
__Bull’s really become a man to watch in recent years; succeed or fail, he’s never boring. This time’s no exception, as he goes for a ride on Propeller Bar, then looks shaky on Jumping Spider but stays on. For about a second. He’s not deep enough, and his appendages slip until he’s in the water. Consistency with a slight mishap wins over…uh…bad grip? I dunno…
Champion/distance - USA 1, Europe 1
Round 3: Morimoto, Shieff, Dreschel
__Morimoto is the first competitor ever to complete a Stage 3 in America! Which apparently means something for whatever reason! What it doesn’t translate to is success in Stage 1, as the Jumping Spider claims yet another victim. (“I leaned too far forward.”)
__Shieff owned this stage last year. This time, on a more demanding course, he’s a little less spectacular, needing two attempts at Warped Wall and taking a couple more swings than he would’ve liked at Flying Triple Swing. Time: 1:25.33, very good but definitely leaving the window open.
__Dreschel was chosen to contest Shieff’s speed, and it pays off. He sets a blistering pace, and despite landing on his chest in the final step of Sonic Curve (nice save!) and taking a tough fall off of Coin Flip, he refuses to slow down, hitting the buzzer at 1:18.61. However this one ends, that’s definitely one of the most amazing efforts we’ve seen in this contest.
Dreschel/finish - USA 2, Europe 1
We’re one-third of the way through, and I’m already goddam sick of the yoo-ess-ay chants. This is going to be a long night.
Stage 2: Rope Jungle, Double Salmon Ladder, Unstable Bridge, Butterfly Wall, Roulette Row, Wall Lift
Round 4: Ghisolfi, Bull, Hioki
__Ghisolfi isn’t known for speed, and he sets a sure but slow pace through four obstacles. It looks like he’s going to clear the infamous Roulette Row, but misjudges the dismount and helicopters into the water.
__Bull’s second run ends in calamity as well, as he completely misses on the third rung of Double Salmon Ladder.
And a development: Geoff Britten has a high fever and is running flu-like symptoms. It’s looking very doubtful that he’ll be able to compete. Given the huge flap over who deserves to be called The First American Ninja Warrior (not to mention all the arglebargle over what the “official” nomenclature for Caldiero and Britten is, which I’m not touching with a 500,000km pole), he must have been aching for a chance to prove himself, and now it looks like it’s about to be snatched away. Absolutely heartbreaking.
__Hioki cites specialization as the key to success and calls himself a Stage 2 specialist. Sounds good, but he’ll have to master some unfamiliar tasks if he wishes to outdo Ghisolfi. He’s clumsy on Double Salmon Ladder, and his arms look tired (I’m astonished Gbajabiamila didn’t do that “fully extended arms” spiel. Astonished.). And that’ll do it; he makes it about a fifth of the way through Unstable Bridge before his strength completely gives out.
Ghisolfi/distance - USA 2, Europe 3
Round 5: Shieff, Kawaguchi, Dreschel
__We learn that Shieff is a vegan and has recently lost a lot of weight, which will help on the upper body-intensive Stage 2, so long as his strength hasn’t suffered. He gets through Rope Jungle. He gets through Double Salmon Ladder. His strength has suffered. Scant feet away from safety, straight down.
The bad news is now official…Britten has a fever of 103 and cannot compete. Alternate Joe Moravsky takes his place. Fatigue isn’t really a factor in this contest, so the Americans gain no advantage from this, and Moravsky’s difficulties with Stage 3 are well-known.
__Kawaguchi is one of the tallest Sasuke competitors, which serves him well…initially. He’s fast through Rope Jungle and makes two impressive two-rungers on Double Salmon Ladder, but then his bulk seemingly becomes a disadvantage. He slows down in Unstable Bridge and takes a long time to complete Butterfly Wall, his feet slipping as he goes up the rope. His luck finally runs out on Roulette Row, misjudging the dismount and taking the plunge.
__So now Dreschel has a decision: Use his speed and try to blitz his way through four obstacles faster than Kawaguchi, or play it conservatively and do his best to clear Roulette Row? His choice: “Dispense with the false dichotomy crap and just murder the course.” Flying through Rope Jungle, needing a grand total of three jumps to clear Double Salmon Ladder, and powering through Unstable Bridge, the wall (no, the OTHER wall!) was just a formality after that. He makes it in a shade over 1:06, destroying Kawaguchi’s effort. He has no trouble whatsoever with Roulette Row, then practically flings up the walls (no, the…oh, never mind). Time, just for the record, is 1:34.46.
Dreschel/distance - USA 4, Europe 3
Round 6: Moravsky, Takahashi, McColl
__As soon as the run begins, Iseman points out that Moravsky has never failed a Stage 2. AND SURE ENOUGH, MORAVSKY…
…my god, these yoo-ess-ayy chants are getting fraggin’ unbearable. Having to listen to the brain-dead commentators is aggravating enough without the fans adding to the misery. Honestly, that’s it; once this is done, I’m muting everything.
Okay, where was I…oh, right. AND SURE ENOUGH, MORAVSKY…proves that stupid kiddie stuff like “jinxes” don’t actually exist, looking completely solid from start to finish and hitting the buzzer at an impressive 1:23.69.
__Takahashi never has a prayer, getting crooked twice on Double Salmon Ladder before crashing.
__McColl was in this exact same situation last year, so he’s definitely up to the challenge. Here we go. Rope Jungle no sweat; 17 seconds. A little mistake on Double Salmon Ladder but charges the rest of the way; 34 seconds. Glides through Unstable Bridge but gets hung up a bit at the end; 49 seconds. On Butterfly Wall, jumps on the first pass, nearly loses it but hangs on; 1:02. Roulette Row, first hoop, grab, stop, pause, off at 1:12. It’s going to be close (no, really!). And…he does it! 1:19.86! (And yes, that is a record!) The not-Frenchman doesn’t not avoid failing to do it again! Man, this guy is getting scary!
McColl/finish - USA 4, Europe 5
An electrifying, unpredictable seesaw battle through two-thirds, and it looks like it’s simply going to come down to which team’s Golden Snitch is…Goldener…Snitchier. (Look, I’m writing this stuff on the fly, you can’t expect miracles. )
Stage 3: Psycho Chainsaw, Doorknob Grasper, Floating Boards, Ultimate Cliffhanger, Pole Grasper, Hang Climb, Area 51, Flying Bar
Round 7: Mars, Dory, Kawaguchi
__Mars looks calm and confident right up to the jump on the new Ultimate Cliffhanger; he just can’t hold on and goes down.
__The Americans chose Dory specifically to tackle Stage 3; he nearly got it in 2015’s ANW, so it looks like a sound pick. He looks unusually tentative and burns up a lot of time on Floating Boards, making it slower than Mars. So it’s do or die on Ultimate Cliffhanger. He makes one transition…another…at the jump…and…makes it! Now all that’s left is to put even more pressure on Kawaguchi, as if he didn’t already have enough. He’s relaxed through the next three obstacles and is at his nemesis, Flying Bar. Four jumps to destiny. Aaaaaaaaaaand…not quite. Just didn’t have the energy.
__Kawaguchi knows he has to come up big, and his heroic effort begins by going for the dismount on Doorknob Grasper one doorknob early. That’s where it ends as well, as he completely misses the landing pad.
Dory/distance - USA 7, Europe 5
Japan has now officially been mathematically eliminated one round earlier than last year. Itai. (Uh, that means “ouch”. Sorry. I won’t make it a habit, promise.)
Round 8: Moravsky, Matachi, Ghisolfi
__Oh my goodness. Moravsky in Stage 3. I get the feeling that Britten’s illness is going to really jump up and bite the Americans here. In stark contrast to Stage 2, he’s very cautious, getting through three obstacles without a stumble. But next is Ultimate Cliffhanger, the same place he flubbed the jump in the 2015 ANW…and he does it again. In any head-to-head NW (including TNW), there’s always someone who just can’t catch a break. It was Elet Hall last year; it’s Joe Moravsky here.
__Matachi is on the course for a loooooong time; he clearly has trouble with the American dimensions of the sport. He finally runs out of gas in Area 51, taking an impressive drop.
__Now Ghisolfi has the chance to become the hero of the night. The mark is there for all to see: Hang Climb in 4:57.58 or Area 51 in any time. He’s slow but steady through Ultimate Cliffhanger. Pole Grasper…not a problem, through 4:01. Hang Climb…c’mon, he’s a rock climber, this isn’t going to stymie him. He’s through in 4:19, easily besting Matachi and giving us the fifth lead change of the night. Of course, Ghisolfi isn’t done. He’s smooth through Area 51. Now Flying Bar…ooh, not quite; misses the third jump. Shucks. Would’ve been nice.
Ghisolfi/distance - USA 7, Europe 8
It’s a best of one now. Of course, if Japan wins, Europe…never mind, I was right the first time.
Round 9: Morimoto, McColl, Caldiero
__Morimoto looks comfortable until Pole Grasper, where he needs a whole lotta shaking to get through. He’s better with Hang Climb and is soon at Area 51. The strain is incredible, but he gets through! Four jumps to the finish line; does he have enough left in the tank? One jump, good…two, good…three, good…four…and he’s made it! HE FINISHED THE COURSE in a thoroughly snailish 6:29.38, so let’s not break out the sake just yet, mmkay?
__McColl is smooth as silk through the first four. He does a few poses (Showboating or resting? Or both? Who can tell…) on the way to Flying Bar. Here we go. First jump…good. Second jump…good. Third jump…good! Fourth jump…GOOD! HE DID IT! HE DID IT in 5:42.25, which is hardly unbeatable, so could we please keep that champagne corked for now?
With Morimoto out of contention, this means that Japan now has zero points through THREE international competitions. Any more of this and it’s going to look like their Olympic results! (Low-hanging fruit, I know. It’s late and I’m tired.)
__So now it all comes down to Caldiero. Will he do it? Will he shake off the disappointment of the first round and pull through? Will he come up with the run of his life and seal an improbable triumph for the red white and blue? Will he add to his burgeoning legend by taking home the trophy? Will…
…oh, come on, this is the freaking [insert title here], of course he’s not going to screw this one up. 4:28.84, suck-ahs.
Caldiero/finish - USA 10, Europe 8
(Oh, shut the hell up, Gbajabiamila…)
Phew…drained. Postmatch to come as soon as I’m up to it.
In case anyone’s confused, that USA vs The World originally aired a couple months ago. DKW missed it, though, so this was his first chance to actually see it.
And thanks to DKW’s writeup, we now have conclusive answers to the question about Britten’s first missed run:
Stage 2 heats:
Heat 1: Ghisolfi, Bull, Hioki
Heat 2: Shieff, Kawaguchi, Dreschel
Heat 3: [del]Britten[/del] Moravsky, Takahashi, McColl
[excess post, never mind!]
[excess post, never mind!]
Anyone beside me catch the American Ninja Warrior All-Star Special? Well, I haven’t seen anything about this, so I figured I’d cover it.
The first hour is a five-on-five match, because of course the whole point of a quirky amateur sports spectacle based on a Japanese game show is to create WINNERS and LOSERS. Even better, ANW’s professional windbags Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbajabiamila hand-picked the teams, thus infusing a personal stake in who succeeds and fails, because they clearly weren’t annoying enough as it is. Team Matt consists of Joe Moravsky, Lance Pekus, J.J. Woods, Grant McCartney, and Jessie Graff. Team Akbar consists of David “Flip” Rodriguez, Brent Steffensen, Jamie Rahn, Daniel Gil, and Meagan Martin. Each run (or “heat”, as they insist on calling it) is worth one point. The first three will take place on Season 8’s Stage 2 course, the fourth and fifth on the Stage 3 course; each is worth 1 point. If neither team scores a sweep, everything will get settled by the absolutely obligatory way-too-generous final round, a head-to-head Stage 4 worth 3 points.
Huh…fine, let’s get this over with. Matchups, along with taglines:
= Heat 1: Moravsky (COMPLETED STAGE 2 3 STRAIGHT YEARS) vs. Steffensen (5-TIME VEGAS FINALIST) =
Mmmmm…not quite sure what to make of this one. Remember, “finalist” means “made it to Stage 1”, which is definitely damning with faint praise considering everything that Steffensen has accomplished. If anything, it makes it look like Moravsky has the advantage here…y’know, given that the heat is taking place on the Stage 2 course…which, frankly I find highly surprising given the driven-with-the-force-of-an-atomic-bomb sooooo clooooooosssseee narrative that plagued Team Ninja Warrior from frickin’ start to frickin’ frickin’ frickin’ finish.
Anyway. Moravsky goes first and proceeds to absolutely tear up the course. He glides through Rope Jungle in an astonishing 12 seconds (I’ve never seen anyone so completely at ease on it before), has no trouble at all on Double Salmon Ladder or Unstable Bridge, goes right for the rope on Butterfly Wall and gets it, soars through Roulette row, taking both hoops in one go, and…well, Wall Lift isn’t going to be any problem after all that, is it? Time: 1:08.52, and you’d better believe that’s a record. (They even show a graphic proving it!) Most incredibly, he looked completely at ease from start to finish, not a stumble or moment of indecision anywhere. In postmatch comments, he’s not breathing hard at all; when asked how he did so good, he just says that he was “in the zone”.
Steffensen…<sigh>…look, no one’s doubting his greatness, but he’s not beating that. He misses a rung on Double Salmon Ladder and goes down.
= Heat 2: Pekus (FASTEST TIME IN KANSAS CITY FINALS) vs. Rahn (3-TIME VEGAS FINALIST) =
Ugh. I know which tagline I’d much rather have. In case anyone missed it the first fifteen or twenty times I pointed this out: The quallies are amateur nite. Success in them guarantees jack squat in the REAL competition. Lots of City Finals standouts flamed out horribly in Stage 1. Then again, I guess “MANAGED TO KEEP HIS CHIN UP DESPITE GETTING COMPLETELY BLANKED IN TEAM NINJA WARRIOR” would be a bit too much of a downer for reality TV.
Rahn is one of ANW’s best all-around guys but usually struggles with demanding upper-body tasks. He sets a smooth pace through four obstacles, and then we see a split screen replay of his fall on the transition at Roulette Row in season 8. Here he gets on the first hoop and…gets stuck. He hangs in there for a long time, but fatigue and frustration finally lay him low. Official time, 1:33.49 through Butterfly Wall.
Pekus hasn’t had success at Roulette Row either, so he needs to decide whether to best Rahn on time or play it conservatively, marshal his strength, and beeh daah rohh. He’s chooses the former, powering through Double Salmon Ladder and Unstable Bridge. He has plenty of time going into Butterfly Wall and makes a smooth transition, looking like he’s going to make it easily…and then his feet slip all over the wall! (And of course, since this isn’t TNW, he can’t blame the water.) He finally gets over, but his time’s not good enough, meaning that it’s make or break on the hoops. Replay of his missed transition in season 8, nearly identical to Rahn’s. He’s on…he goes for the transition…he makes it! He goes for the dismount…good! The rest is just a formality, although the full press on the final wall is a nice touch.
= Heat 3: McCartney (REACHED STAGE 2 IN ROOKIE SEASON) vs. Gil (FASTEST TIME IN HOUSTON QUALIFYING) =
Battle of the rookies. Decent credentials, all things considered.
McCartney seems to lose momentum with each passing second, ultimately flubbing the transition on Unstable Bridge and dropping.
Gil attacks the course smoothly and confidently. He’s through Double Salmon Ladder in 43 seconds, easily besting McCartney’s effort. With the point in the bag, all that remains is the personal challenge (oh, you know what I mean). He also failed Roulette Row in season 8, but takes a more aggressive approach this time and…gets hung up between the hoops…but gets through! The walls, needless to say, were a mere formality after that.
= Heat 4: Woods (REACHED STAGE 2 PAST 2 SEASONS) vs. Rodriguez (5-TIME VEGAS FINALIST) =
In most sports, these two would be known as “dark horses”, those likable scrappers who are always in the mix but never have any realistic shot of winning it all. Should be a good contest.
On to the stage 3 course. Woods is strangely tentative through Psycho Chainsaw and takes his time on Doorknob Grasper. Now the first really hard one, Floating Boards. It soon becomes clear that he simply does not know how to do this, and he quietly gives out on the third board.
Rodriguez has a better rhythm and is through Doorknob Arch in 27 seconds, obliterating Woods’ time. All right, garbage time! :D) Rodriguez manages Floating Boards and is on to Ultimate Cliffhanger, which traditionally has been what really separated the men from the boys. He reaches up to the high bar, no problem. Drop to 6 inch bar, always tough…got it! Now all that remains is the jump to the opposite bar…ooh, not quite. Call him a teenager, maybe?
Oh, look, it’s a tie, meaning that it makes absolutely no bleedin’ difference who wins the women’s round. Wow, that’s awfully…convenient, isn’t it?
= Completely meaningless exhibition that nonetheless will dredge up a fair amount of “girls rule” nonsense: Graff (ONLY WOMAN WHO TO QUALIFY FOR VEGAS FINALS ANW 7) vs. Martin (SCALED WARPED WALL TWO YEARS IN A ROW)
If you ask me, this is just wasted effort. “NOT HORRIBLE LIKE ABOUT 99% OF THE WOMEN IN THIS CONTEST” would suffice plenty for both of them.
Martin first. She does a few practice pulls before starting Psycho Chainsaw…got it. Really struggles with Doorknob Grasper, but makes it. It’s over well over two and a half minute before she starts Floating Boards, and nearly a minute after that before she’s through. Now Ultimate Cliffhanger, and…no. Six-incher just too much.
After a commercial break because Martin was out there for so flippin’ long, Graff is up. A bit wobbly on Psycho Chainsaw gut gets through in good time. Doorknob Grasper…wow, that was quick. A bit tentative on Floating Boards, but her grip is solid…and she makes it through a solid minute faster than Martin. Actually doesn’t make it as far on Ultimate Cliffhanger (she fails to reach the high bar), but it matters naught. Well, actually, this whole heat matters naught, as I’ve already pointed out, but whatever, a win’s a win.
= Golden snitch time: Pekus vs. Rodriguez =
CLIMB! CLIMB! CLIMB! CLIMB! CLIMB! CLIMB! CL…dangit, Pekus, just once could you make it a semblance of a contest? Just once??
Team Akbar wins it by the official final score of 5 to 3, and I’ll be taking bets on how long anyone is going to remember that after the end of the show!
All right, enough of this crap. Now it’s time to have some fun with the skills competition. Several modified…and far more difficult…versions of traditional obstacles have been set up, and competitors will take turns seeing just how far they can go on them.
= GIANT PEG BOARD: A huge ring full of peg holes, divided into twelve sections. Contestants have sixty seconds to cross as many sections as possible. =
First up is Ben “Tarzan” Melick. The quick preview video shows him practicing on a pegboard while encumbered with a 35-pound weight, and he has plenty of experience hanging from things, so he’s carrying a lot of confidence into this. He seems to have a little trouble with the curve in the beginning but manages to find his rhythm. He finishes with a score of 12.
Now…Jessie Graff. Huh boy. I made my feelings on male vs. female clear during TNW, right? Yes? Oh, good. All things considered, she does fine, using her flexibility and agility to skip pegs. A very respectable score of 10.
David “The Godfather” Campbell up. He puts his long reach to good use, covering big chunks of distance with each peg placement. He has over 20 seconds left by the time he reaches the 11th segment. Fatigue has set in, but he manages enough fight to claw his way to the 1st segment. As this is on the ascent, there’s no chance of him going any further, but it’s still a score of 13, besting Melick and making a statement.
Wait, how many competitors are there? Oh, okay, Brian Arnold is the last. In the preview video he states that he wants to set an unbeatable record. All right now. And…man, he looks strong! He makes a complete circuit with plenty of time to spare, then gets to 1…2…it’s going to be close…yes, 3! And he wins this event with the very impressive score of 15! Yeah, I don’t think anyone’s beating that one anytime soon!
= SUPERSONIC SHELF GRAB: From a 2 inch ledge, competitors must jump to and grab another 2 inch ledge. The distance starts at 9’ 6” and increases after each successful jump =
And of course we need to have a 3WA. At least we get to see the competitors. Kevin Bull, Drew Dreschel, and Isaac Caldiero cleared the starting distance. Now we see the last…Meagan Martin. Eh, at least we don’t have to worry about her spending a lot of time up there. She’s up, and…yeah, she got it.
Second round, 10’ 6”. Bull makes it. Dreschel makes it. Caldiero makes it. Martin…makes an impressive splash. Oooh, nobody wanted to have to predict that.
Up to an even 12’ for the third round. Bull…can’t hold on. Dreschel…got it! Caldiero…also got it!
Fourth round, 13’…both succeed. Fifth round, 14’…both succeed! This is a WAR! SI…
Wait, what? Hold on, I just got word that they can only up to 14’ due to “safety reasons”, meaning the contest is over. Dreschel and Caldiero score a very well-deserved dead heat.
= SUPER SALMON LADDER: A Salmon Ladder with 35 rungs. Untimed event; they just need to get as high as possible! =
Dustin McKinney up first. He gets to a fast start but starts getting crooked at 15. At 19 his arms are clearly fatigued, and he gives out at 22.
Second is Kacy Catanzaro. On a pure upper-body test. Hoo boy. This will not end well. She gets crooked on 2 and 8, and her strength is just about gone at this point. Done at 11.
Now Lance Pekus takes yet another stab at relevance. He looks very strong, not slowing down until 20, and easily bests McKinney’s mark. At 26 he’s just about had it, but he actually manages to tack on 2 more before giving out.
Closing it out is…ooh, this oughta be good: Mike Bernardo! Definitely expect him to make some noise here, in more ways than one. He starts out fast, and he just keeps going…and going! He doesn’t even start to slow down until 29. Now all that remains is to see if he can reach the top. And…looking solid…just one to go…and he makes it! 35 up, 35 down! Or rather, just 35 up, because he never went down! Something like that. Yeah, I think they’ll have to time this from now on!
= GIANT JUMP HANG: Jumps across increasing distances to a net. =
This whole thing was 3WA’d, but it’s just as well since it was over pretty quickly, which is what happens when you start at 16’. J.J. Woods, Abel Gonzales, Brent Steffensen, Nicholas Coolridge, and . At 17’, Coolridge and Woods made it, while Gonzales and Steffensen came up short. On to 17’ 6’. Woods didn’t have a prayer, meaning that Coolridge was guaranteed a medal whether or not he succeeded. Debatable whether that had any effect on his performance, but the fact is that he didn’t hold on. All knotted up at 17’, two men get medals.
= MEGA WALL: A 16’ and increasing Warped Wall =
Given how easy the garden-variety Warped Wall has become for the top contestants, and also how it’s never changed, this one actually makes the most sense. The competitors are Jamie Rahn, Alan Connealy, David “Flip” Rodriguez, and Joe Moravsky.
All four make it up the 16’ wall without trouble. Next up is 18’. Rahn makes it. Connealy makes a nice lunge but comes up just a little short. Rodriguez…nng…got it! Moravsky gets one hand up, then the other, and he’s over.
18’ 6” now. Rahn looks intimidated, but he has it. Rodriguez…yes! Moravsky…just got it!
Up to 18’9”. Kinda strange progression here, but whatever. Rahn finally exceeds his limits, whiffing on the grab. Rodriguez soars up and gets it. Moravsky has it and makes it look easy.
19’. Moravsky is going first for some reason. He makes a great run and…ooooh, so close!
So Rodriguez has his medal, but after all the near misses and coulda beens he’s had, you know he’s not going to be satisfied with a sister kisser (oh, look it up…). He has the speed, he has the power, he has the reach…he has it!
Phew. All in all, pretty entertaining. Just take out this announcer chest-thumping nonsense and give the women their own event, and I wouldn’t mind having one every year. Yeah, I know, I know, let a guy dream, all right?
Hold on…was I going to take bets on something? I could’ve sworn that I said something about that. Ah, heck with it, probably not that important.
If anyone missed this event, it’s being rebroadcast tomorrow night (Tuesday) on Esquire.
Also of note is that the new regular season starts Wednesday.
I only have a few quick thoughts on the two specials:
Looks like they finally settled on a title, announcing Isaac as “the first American Ninja Warrior champion.” That works; Geoff is the first ANW, Isaac is the first ANW champion.
At this point, I cringe any time I see either of the “royal couple.” They’ve both been quick outs for many rounds now. (I was going to say embarrassments, but that’s like two steps too far.) Anytime you see them step up to run, bet the farm on either falling on an early obstacle or, in the case of the skills competitions, coming in dead last.
That Supersonic Shelf Grab is beyond nuts. Too bad they didn’t plan ahead properly; the safety issue appeared to be that they didn’t allocate enough space to extend the second step any further. (It was buttressed up against the cargo net thing.)
I think this was the least interesting of the various ANW spinoffs they’ve done.
The Matt vs Akbar thing was pretty uninteresting, EXCEPT for getting to see women attempt stage 3, and both Megan and Jessie were quite impressive. But aside from that, who cares?
The skills competition was kinda awesome, but why have arbitrarily chosen sets of 4? I’d love some way where the entire field could try each one, even if we only got to see it be narrowed down to the top 8 or something on the broadcast. Seems so weirdly arbitrary, which is something that ANW has mostly been avoiding since they stopped randomly giving wildcard slots to all the big-name ninjas.
Supersonic Shelf Grab was absolutely insane. Like just ridiculous. That should not be possible. I love this show so much. Always a true joy to watch.
I enjoyed the LA qualifying… glad to see they made the warped wall a bit tougher, it was starting to be kind of a joke. And it definitely seemed like the qualifying course was tougher than it has been in the past, which is good.
Jessie Graff is the real deal. Definitely my favorite among the top female competitors, and one of the most fun to watch period.
The taller wall seems to make it pretty rough on shorter competitors though. The other woman who made it that far seemed like she could’ve had it pretty easily if she had another two inches on her.
Meh.
In the skills competition on Tuesday, they raised the wall to 19 feet and two guys made it to the top. Neither of them were even six feet tall.
If a six foot person can make it up 19 feet of wall, a five foot person can make it up 14’6".
Last year was when I got my first serious doubts about this show. This year looks like it’s going to be where I have to really struggle to stay interested.
Not only has NBC completely lost all pretense of treating it like a sport, the levels of hype and fluff and smarm and white noise have far surpassed even the usual standards for reality TV. Heck, it doesn’t even look like a competition so much as a political rally. Start with a maudlin/inspirational story, watch someone awkwardly do something for a couple minutes, have a couple of idiots continually spew out half-cracked “jokes” and stupid puns, and of course cut to a crowd shot after every fricking obstacle. (Hey, remember when only important people got cutaways, and even then only one per run?) Honestly, if this were any more plastic and heavy-handed, it’d be an SNL parody.
Oh, another thing that makes it look like a political rally: the endless goddam CHANTS. (Hey, remember when it was just bee daah waww?) It’s as if the crowd’s afraid we’ll forget what’s at stake if they don’t repeat it 75 times at some point during the run. I now cannot watch almost any run without putting mute on. It hasn’t reached the point where I have to mute the entire show, but it’s getting there.
Which is why, against all expectation, I’m actually finding the women the most compelling story this season…for the simple reason that they’re there to compete, and that’s it. No dead spouses or special-needs children or drug addiction recoveries. And unlike the usual reality TV mindset of disdaining strong favorites and all but worshipping mediocrity, ANW pushes the strongest, most confident women the most, for the simple reason that they’re the only ones with any chance of sticking around!
The unfortunate flip side, of course, is that more than a few male competitors are going to be left in the cold until at least Stage 1. In this case, the problem is simply time. If you complete the course, you’re naturally going to take up a lot more time than someone who goes out on Floating Steps or Tick Tock, and two hours isn’t that long. I counted five finishers who weren’t seen at all, not even a 3WA.
Well, I’m taking the usual attitude of seeing if this gets any better. It’d almost have to, but I’m getting the sinking feeling I’ll have to wait until City Finals.
Tidbits:
Why would anyone want to turn around on the final stretch of I-Beam Cross? When you dismount, you swing backwards. If you’re facing backwards, the momentum will take you over the pad, and even if you fall, there’s a very good chance you’ll avoid the water. If you go forwards, unless you can stick the landing cold, you’re likely taking a spill. Just seems like a needless risk to me.
So happy to see Jesse Graff’s breakout. She’s really made some noise these past few events. Here’s hoping she bests City Finals as well, or at least comes really close.
Raising Warped Wall was a long-overdue idea, but I don’t see six inches making a huge difference. There was a time when this was a real challenge for most contestants; now, even with the added height, only two failed.
Ellis Dee - Steffensen was the first competitor ever to beat Ultimate Cliffhanger. There will come a time when he can’t coast on that anymore. That time isn’t now. Hell, look at much hype Lance Pekus has gotten, and what has he really accomplished? As as long as scrubs like Cassandra Dortch and Joyce Shahboz are allowed to have air time, I’m not begrudging Catanzaro a thing.
Look, this is a game where ANYONE can go out early, ANYONE can have a streak of lousy luck, ANYONE can come up short. Singling out Steffensen and Catanzaro just because NBC gave them a dumb nickname strikes me as wrongheaded.
As a long time fan of Sasuke (the original Japanese competition), it is sometimes funny to watch ANW because the focus is very different. I can’t blame them for Americanizing the broadcast. I, and others, may not like it but it is apparently what the broader audience is looking for. Or at least what NBC thinks the broader audience is looking for. None-the-less, I enjoy the competition parts of the show and can overlook the rest. Unlike some other shows I enjoy ANW is often PVRed so I can fast forward through the backstory stuff.
Jessie Graf. I love her (as a competitor). I said before, I think in this thread maybe another, that of all the ANW competitors she seems to embody what it is all about. She is absolutely amazing, I love her attitude, I love her ability. I really would love to see her go far. Of all the women on the show (so far) she is one I could see maybe climbing to the top of Midoriyama. Based on the skills competition, this year is probably not her year. It looks like she would not be able to clear Stage 3. But with the way she’s training, next year we could see the first Female Ninja Warrior. And that would be great!