I’m sure anyone in Chicagoland can relate. I’ll try to just hit the highlights, leading up to today’s round of indignities.
September, 2000. Move into a new apartment. Live without phone service for 3 weeks because they don’t know when they can send a technician. Stay home from work several days to meet promised technician, who never shows. Eventually receive service, plus $100 charge on first bill for missed technician visits, claiming no one was home. Charge eventually dropped, but only after our phone service was temporarly shut off for “non-payment.” Customer service rep handling reconnection attempts to sell caller ID, privacy manager, and voice mail. No, thank you.
December, 2000. Technician accidentally unhooks our telephone line when hooking up upstairs neighbor. Live without phone service for 6 days while they muster up new technician. Customer service rep attempts to sell caller ID, privacy manager, and voice mail. No, thank you.
July 2001. Assessed $150 new service charge when move phone from roommate’s name to mine. 10 minute phone call extended to 30 minutes as “customer service rep.” tries to sell me DSL. No, thank you. Finally say yes to caller ID.
June 2002. Call Ameritech, tell them I want the cheapest, most basic residential package. Assessed $150 service transfer charge when I moved to new apartment. Phone jack in new apartment is in the bathroom. Will cost $160 to move or install new jack. Phone jack remains in bathroom. 10 minute phone call stretched to 30 minutes as “customer service” rep attempts to sell me DSL. No, thank you.
July 2002. First phone bill is ass-rapingly high. See interesting charge - SBC Yahoo, $15.95. What? I use Earthlink. Call to find out where charge came from, am assured that it will all be fixed. 10 minute phone call stretched to 30 minutes as “customer service” rep attempts to sell me DSL. No, thank you.
October 8, 2002. Phone bills continue to be ass-rapingly high. I am still being charged $15.95/month for dial-up service that I did not ask for and have never used. Call up SBC Yahoo. Receive confirmation # of $47.85 credit. Am told I have to call up Ameritech customer service to make sure credit goes through. Sigh.
With heavy heart, I dialed Ameritech. I waited through menus. I waited through “hold” voice overs trying to sell me DSL. I finally got to talk to a customer service rep.
M: Hi. I cancelled SBC Yahoo dial-up service today. They told me to call you to make sure that my refund credit is processed.
Azazel, Chief of the Goat Demons: You were using dial-up? Well, have you considered DSL?
Me: I don’t want DSL. And I want you to process a credit to my account for DSL that I never signed up for or used. Can I give you the confirmation number?
Baal, Devourer of Animals: Well, we could apply that credit to new DSL service, for only $…
Me: I do not want DSL. Can I give you the confirmation number?
Father of Lies (sounding wounded and surprised): You don’t want DSL? Are you aware that with DSL you could…
Me: I do not want DSL. Can we talk about that credit now?
Eater of Worlds: Well, who are you using for dial-up now?
Me: Earthlink. I’m very happy with them. Now, about that credit…
Consort of Evil: Well, you know that you could get our dial-up service for only $15.95?
:head nearly explodes:
Me: I am already the unwilling recipient of your dial-up service. Now will you please process my refund credit? The number is:
Destroyer of Children: But dial-up is nothing compared to DSL…
Me: LOOK. I know that you are required to hawk DSL as part of your job. I cannot afford DSL. I do not want DSL. There is nothing you can say in this phone call that will induce me to purchase DSL. I WANT YOU TO PROCESS MY CREDIT AND THEN LET ME GET OFF THE PHONE. Please. Thank you.
Pillager of All That Is Good and Holy: Well, I have no way of knowing whether you are aware of the many benefits of DSL and the wonderful packages that Ameritech provides.
Me: Please trust that every single Ameritech employee I have ever spoken with has made it their business to sell me DSL. Now, moving on…
Damien, Son of Rosemary: I notice that you don’t have your local toll service through us. You could save $1.67 on your monthly bill if you allowed us to carry your local calls.
Me: That’s nice. So, ABOUT THE REASON I CALLED YOU TODAY. How are we coming with that refund credit?
The Devil: I’m just trying to save you money. If you switched to our local toll service, we could enroll you in a package that included local calls, local toll, dial-up internet, and all the services you currently enjoy for a cheaper rate. Then you could upgrade to our DSL service any time you’d like for only $…
Me: Can I have my refund now?
Beelzebub: How much is the credit?
Me: $47.85
Shaitan: What’s that confirmation number?
Me: _____.
Lucifer the Fallen: On a scale of 1-5, with 1 being unsatisfied and 5 being very satisfied, how would you rate your satisfaction with Ameritech’s service?
Me: 1. If my building allowed any other provider, I would change immediately to one with lower costs and better service.
Satan: Is there anything we can do to make you happier?
Me: Stop trying to sell me DSL? Wrap up a customer service call in less than 40 minutes? Stop billing me for services that I don’t order? Stop sucking?
Old Scratch: Well, your opinions are very important to us, thanks for choosing Ameritech!
Gah!
At least in debtor’s prison you get three squares a day. - Nymysys