Amusing AIM conversations

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

An AIM conversation I had (and saved) a couple of years ago with my brother. I think it’s pretty darn funny in places, but then I’m a little biased. “R” is me, “J” is my older brother, and “E” is one of my younger brothers. “D” is J’s old college roommate. The “quiz” is a sample program he worked up, with questions about Spongebob Squarepants. :dubious:

If anyone else thinks this is humorous, I have several more conversations saved. If people just think it’s dumb, well, keep it to yourself. :wink:

I’ve edited some things for clarity’s sake, but what you see is for practical purposes what we said that day.
3/18/02
R: You there?
J: Hey.
J: You still on?
R: Been sleeping?
R: College stuff, you know?
J: I was eating dinner.
R: Ah.
R: Very good.
J: Who is this?
R: It’s Ryan.
J: What a surprise.
J: Did you guys do my quiz thing?
R: Yes. I was not impressed.
J: Bah.
J: Always a critic.
R: I scored a four, out of a possible four.
R: Not bad.
J: It’s a masterpiece.
J: Just wait.
J: I’m overhauling the questions.
J: I’m looking into the Powerpuff Girls.
R: I noticed a glitch, also.
J: A glitch?
J: Where?!
R: After I got the first question RIGHT, and then I got the second question RIGHT. . .
R: It congratulated me for “finally” getting one right.
R: Slacking off, eh?
J: Uh, Ryan…
J: It’s not a glitch.
J: sigh
J: It’s a work in progress.
R: Sure. . .cover it up.
J: What a loser.
J: So.
J: What’s for dinner?
R: Pesto.
R: The green stuff.
J: Made with cilantro?
R: I don’t know. I’ll have to check.
J: Ok, you do that.
R: No.

J: Whose game is better, mine or E’s?
R: I’d say they’re even.
J: Did he just copy mine and change the text?
R: His is a Super Bowl quiz. . .
J: Yes, I know.
R: Oh, okay then.
J: Hence the “change the text” portion of the question.
R: No, I don’t think he did.
J: Good.
J: Hrm.
J: E’s quiz is somewhat better than mine.
J: Tell him to send me the source code.
R: He doesn’t count up the ones you get right though.
J: Huge big.
J: Nope.
R: He does have a medal at the end.
R: That’s good.
J: I have no medal.
J: Maybe for SpongeQuiz 1.1
R: Ahaha, I had the second worst medal.
J: I had the best medal.
R: I thought it was a torpedo or something though.
J: I cheated.
R: Gasp.
J: No, no, no.
J: Gah.
J: Gasp
R: Excuse me.
J: You can’t say “gasp”.
R: I don’t have to take this.
R: My pesto is waiting.
J: You know what?
J: You suck.
R: Yes, sir.
J: Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
J: Hah.
R: I refuse.
J: It’s all over but for the crying.
R: Have a fun!
J: A monkey could have told me that.
R: Is that a compliment?
J: Only in France.
R: I see.
J: Bake thyne eyes in Tabasco!
R: It shall be.
J: So it shall.
J: Forth!
J: To the pesto!
J: Tally ho!

J: I walked in yesterday…
J: And D was like…
J: “If you have any friends stay over, they won’t have to sleep on the floor.”
J: And I was like…
J: YES!!!
J: He’s leaving!
R: Excellent.
J: And he was like…
J: “Yeah, I got this army cot. They can sleep on that.”
J: And I was like…
J: You suck.
J: And then he wanted to show me how to use the cot.
J: Like it takes special skillz to use a cot.
R: Ahaha, cot skillz, ahaha.
J: I am mad funny.
R: m@d f00ny, you mean?
J: Crazy supo-funki fly tizight!
R: In the, um, hizouse. . .
J: Stop spacing the freaking elipsis’es.
J: Elipsai?
J: Elipsii?
R: Does it bother you?
J: Elipsae?
R: Do you lose sleep over it?
J: No, I rather enjoy it.
J: I try to minimize my pleasure.
J: I’m living the spartan life.
R: I understand.
J: Just me and my army cot.
R: Yes.
J: I’ve had a revelation…
J: I’m going to start my own show.
J: It’s going to be based on MST3K.
J: I’ll call it Dustin Stupid Theater 17 Thousand.
J: Or 17 Hundred.
R: Okay! Have a fun!
J: It is time for class.
J: Accounting awaits!

2

Okay, since I messed it up, “D” is the same as “Dustin.”

3

Hmm…

Well, it is mundane and pointless…

4

I had a weird one yesterday. I got a warning for saying I didn’t like cats. Yet earlier, I was trying to talk her into a threesome. So the way I understand it:
Threesome=okay
bad about cats=not okay

…

okay, I don’t understand it.

5

Sam = exhausted Mommy with cranky 4-month old
Si = sympathetic spouse at work

Sam: miss grumpsalot is awake again. very loudly awake.
Si: Is she wearin ya down?
Sam: a little. i can’t get her to stop screaming.
Si: That’s gotta suck. Do you want me to suggest things to try (I’m sure you know the list as well as I do)
Sam: I think it’s gas. I put her in the laundry basket for a change of scenery
Si: You should try my sock draw!
Sam: she’d have to compete with the cat. actually he’s in mine today; yours was closed. I’ll try a diaper change, that usually works.
Si: good luck
Sam: ok. she’s in the freezer and I’m eating a raspberry popsicle.
Si: Was there room, or did you have to finish the ice cream as well
Sam: oops I meant jolly jumper
Sam: i think i just peed myself. and choked on my popsicle.
Si: Should I worry?
Sam: no I’m just laughing - and wondering if that was a freudian slip.
Si: So you’re sure she’s not in the freezer, and the ice cream is not in the jolly jumper?
Sam: pretty sure. she likes it when I laugh so hard I can’t catch my breath.

6

My friend and I yeaterday had a long conversation about which animal to best mummify. Seems she had found a website where a man documented the mummification of his pet rat Beavis and wanted to try it out herself. After proceeding through a rational, calm conversation about what animals would be best, we finally decided on a woodchuck mummy.

She’s a goth anthropologist-in-traning. What can I say?

7

Here’s a classic from as many as 7 or 8 years ago. P = me; B = a friend. I’ve always treasured this one for his response to my first line. Don’t even try to understand the reasons behind the existence of this conversation, though…

P: Oversize heads are no laughing matter
B: But undersized heads are the butt of all comedy
P: Oh yeah, there’s no denying that
B: and there’s not denying the fact that oversized heads are only undersized heads with more intelligence
P: But the difference of intelligence between an oversized and undersized head is more than the difference between an undersized and normal head
B: .how true. But is it said that a normal head is the combined intelligence of both oversized and undersized heads?
P: The combination of an undersized and oversized head would be more than a normal head.
Example: 1=intelligence of an undersized head.
2=intelligence of a normal head (more than an undersized one, see?)
3=intelligence of an oversized head (more than normal)…
1
+3
=4 (more than any of them)
B: cold it be that a normal sized head is 0, an undersized head is -3, and an oversized head is 3? thus…
-3
0
+3
=0 which is a normal sized head.
P: But should we not assume that an undersized head has some intelligence? One can’t exactly have a negative level of intelligence, can one?
B: it depends on the defination of intelligence. Undersized heads contribute a negative amount of input, so why shouldn’t their intelligence level be the same?
P: Well, negative intelligence is obviously less than no intelligence at all, so therefore an undersized head would have to be be losing intelligence. However, an undersized head (if negative intelligence were the case) does not have any intelligence at all, and thus none to lose.

8

Forgot to mention… I left in all the original typos for historical accuracy. So don’t send the spelling police after me for the ones that don’t appear after my name.

9

J: The Magnetic North Pole is migrating.
J: It’s leaving Canada and heading for Siberia.
R: Are you suggesting that the North Pole is migratory?
J: Haha…
J: That was really funny.
J: I just found this out…
J: Every so often…
J: The North and South Poles switch positions…
J: And there is some thought that the rapid migration…
J: Is the beginning of this process.
R: This is grave.
J: Yes, I agree.
J: My compass will no longer work.
J: If, indeed, I had a compass.
R: If.
J: Lots of big news over the last few days…
J: Oh.
J: Another biggie…
J: We came quite close to being hit by a rather large asteroid.
J: It missed us by, I believe, one and a half times the distance to the moon.
R: That’s like having a knife cut THROUGH YOUR EYELID.
J: A hair’s breadth, I’d say.
J: Yes.
J: I thought I felt a strong wind the other day.
[A couple of days later]
J: There was an article in the paper today about the near miss by the asteroid…
J: Little late, eh?
J: It was in the little ‘blurb’ section.
R: Ah.
R: The blurbs.
J: I guess having a good amount of people die in a fiery explosion doesn’t warrent a full article.
J: How about this…
J: People want to know where it would have hit, had it struck the earth.
R: How big was it?
J: About 165 feet across, I believe.
J: But the whole point is that it didn’t hit!
J: How could anyone calculate where it might have hit?
J: That’s like…
J: Throwing a football, missing the target…
J: And trying to calculate where on the target you would have hit, had you actually hit.
J: Celebrity Boxing is on tonight.
R: Is it.
R: Who shall be fighting?
J: Tonya Harding, for one.
J: And that guy from the Partridge Family, I think.
J: And Iced Tea or whatever his name is.
R: Iced Tea?
R: They should have Vanilla Ice.
R: I need to get the theme song from the Partridge Family.
J: No.
J: That song, if played backwards says:
J: “YlimaF egdirtraP ehT I love the DEVIL!”

10

(names changed to protect the moronic)

Chip: Is negative acceleration possible?
John: It’s called slowing down.