Typically we wait until the other person comes up with something, though suggestions are thrown out by the gifting spouse. I think one year it took me until a couple months after my birthday to think of anything interesting.
We live in an apartment, we have way too much crap as it is, and we’ve been together for almost 25 years. You start running out of ideas. (This year, for me, ruining my two favorite pots in the dishwasher and needing new ones beat out replacing my gaming headset. I hate being an adult sometimes.)
I have three classes of gifts for the wife and daughter:
What they asked for.
What they want/need, but aren’t expecting.
Total surprises.
For type 1, Laura asked for a spa treatment for Christmas. Got it. These are the boring gifts, the ones I can get done in a couple of lunch hours.
Laura has increased her shopping at Amazon over the past few months, but never got an Amazon Prime account (free 2-day shipping.) So I gifted one to her last week. That falls under category 2.
Over the year, a necklace that holds a pricey cross (bought last Christmas, a gift-type 3) kept getting tangled. So I bought a nicer necklace, one that won’t tangle. Another type 2 gift.
For type 3, I paid off the car. We were only 6 payments away from doing so, but now she won’t have to write that check every month. This is a fun gift and I can’t wait until she opens the envelope.
Yeah, thinking about it to this degree is a bit anal, but I always end up with a happy family every year.
But, really… one shouldn’t have to ask their spouse what they want in order to go Christmas shopping. If you would have (the royal “you”, of course) bothered to listen to them over the year, you should have an idea what would make good gifts at the end of it.
Disclaimer: people have different traditions, I understand that.
Someone who knows she’s just going to throw it in the garbage, I guess.
And yes, I’m talking about my mother. She would tell us that mommies don’t get birthday or Christmas presents, and we knew from talking to other kids that this wasn’t true.
This is a totally no-win game. I found a way to beat it.
I just buy what I want for myself as gift to myself. Come Christmas morning, (actually, being Dutch, our gift giving night is dec. 5th, but for the sake of this thread, let’s say “come Chrismas morning”) I unpack my own gifts and I can say: “That is just what I wanted!” And I can mean it. Last mothers day, I bought a gift for myself and let my husband and toddler son wrap it and give it to me on mothers day.
Sometimes I can even get my husband to refund me my own gifts, so they become his gifts.
I also buy him gifts, but mostly the kind he would have difficulty to buy. For instance, he complained of cold feet at night and did not want to wear socks in bed. He asked me if I could buy a longer duvet. Which probably would have meant having to buy a whole new bedding wardrobe, so I held off the decision to go for it. This season, he got the new bedding.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with asking if there’s something she has in mind. But that’s not what I said. I said it’s rude to ask if she wants anything for Christmas, which implies that it’s optional. If you don’t see the nuance, substitute “dinner” for “Christmas” in the sentences below.
“Honey, is there anything special you’d like for Christmas?”
Have I mentioned lately how tired I am of this stereotype, and any women who perpetuate it and any men who buy into it?
Oh. His or her mother is a piece of work, then.
This year I have asked for a very nice, large frying pan with a lid. I don’t need or want anything else; this isn’t a “trap” for my husband, either. (He’s getting a brand new computer, because that’s what he needs. We have pointed out the dichotomy to each other. )
My parents do this. My mom is a happy camper with this setup. On Christmas day my dad sits in his chair and asks “Open your presents, I want to see what I got for you this year!” He usually gets at least one thing on his own for her too, though. Usually chocolate or hairpin or something.
His other gift to her is washing every single dish in the house after everyone has left (they don’t have a dishwasher)
I just tell my husband outright and also keep an Amazon wish list. So in June, “Oh. That! I want THAT! Get me that for Christmas!”. Sure 'nuff, there it is on Christmas. I don’t play games - very straightforward.
I don’t think its unreasonable for a man I’ve been married to for twenty years, that I’ve known for a decade more than that, that I co-parent two children with, and who I know what he likes in bed, will be able to 1) understand after twenty years that YES, a Christmas present is not optional and 2) be able to pick something out on his own that I will like. Granted, its taken YEARS and there have been some misses, (and he now gets help from my Personal Shopper) but over the years I’ve given plenty of guidance, he knows what my favorite color is, he knows I’m not opposed to jewelry and knows my taste, he knows what I like in wine and chocolate, that I enjoy a spa day, that getting dressed up and going out to dinner is fun, and that I’ll enjoy going to a musical. And if he is stuck, I have half a dozen friends, a mother, and two sisters who would give him a hand (plus the personal shopper - who sends him a reminder at this time every year).
I even have COLLECTIONS - things I collect for the purpose of people being able to give me things easily.
I can buy myself things but presents - this sort of present with the person you are most intimate with in your whole existence - is about showing them that you THINK about them. Not running down and picking up the holiday cheese gift assortment because he’s apparently spent thirty years with a bag over his head when it comes to what his partner in life likes.
He has to do it once a year - I’m not a huge birthday person. Once a year he has to spend some minimal amount of time thinking about me and things I like, and then make arrangements to have it wrapped and shipped.
And as long as I’m ranting, when your wife says “we should watch what we spend on Christmas this year” she probably does not mean “you can run down to the local Kroger and pick me up the holiday cheese and sausage assortment, and the kids get too much crap anyway, they’ll be fine with the traditional orange in the stocking, but feel free to spend thousands of dollars on your mother and siblings.” Moms are used to making sacrifices for the household - they aren’t making sacrifices so you can buy your sister a Coach purse.
It really is the easiest way to go. And now that they have the “ideas” feature, you can add generic stuff like “red gloves” or “spiral notebooks” to your list. My whole family does this now, and it makes gift-giving so much easier. Sometimes I do go off-list but it’s usually something related that I know the person wants or needs.
Dangerosa, the stereotype I’m talking about here is men putting all the blame on women for expecting men to read their minds when if the men paid a little attention, they’d have a clue, and women who refuse to communicate with their men because, “If you loved me, you’d just know.” I don’t know if those stereotypes apply to you and your husband or not.
My wife is regularly lost on what to get me for Christmas/Birthday gifts. It’s never occured to me to throw a snit about it and accuse her of not paying any attention to me despite the life we have together. But now I know that’s an option so thanks!
OK, I thought it was the stereotype of the woman who throws a fit because “I wanted the blue pea coat, not the green one, and you should have read my mind - because I completely mislead you when I said I wanted nothing” Which I agree is a little insane, and yet, a husband should notice when a woman has a lot of blue in her wardrobe, and very little green, and none of that color of green she described last week as babyshit - that blue is a better choice.
I think its great that some couples are fine with shopping from a list. And I think its fine that some people just buy presents for themselves so they aren’t disappointed. But to me, this is a “its the thought that counts” occasion, and thoughts here come in different qualities. I thought of you, while handing you a Hickory Farms sausage assortment is not (at least for me) sufficient thought for someone with whom you share long term physical and emotional intimacy.
Another hint - when what your wife says she wants is a new vaccuum, and you ask and that is all she says she wants - if that is true you are married to a very unusual woman. Most of us would also be delighted to receive a little something just for us - whether that be body lotion or jewelry or the annual Lord of the Rings calendar. Is it rational that I’d expect my soulmate to understand that a Christmas in which I receive only a vaccuum cleaner from him is emotionally unfulfilling even though that was all I said I wanted? Nope. But 1) you are my soulmate, you are supposed to be able to figure this out and 2) this is the world of emotions - if they were rational, I might have more rationally chosen someone else to marry.
I feel like my husband and I know each other pretty well, but I generally have no idea exactly what to get my husband for Christmas unless he tells me, and he has no idea what to get me. The reason is that we’re very, very picky about the things we want. I mean, I knew he needed a new wallet and has been looking longingly at a bike stand to work on his bike for ages. But I didn’t know he wanted a black one that only folded over once with a removable billfold thingie, or the bike stand with the special feature that I’ve actually forgotten about now. He knew I wanted a Micro 4/3 camera, but not the model I wanted or the specific lenses I wanted. (Looking at my amazon history wouldn’t have helped, since I looked at a whole bunch of other lenses as well.) (Jewelry is even worse. He used to buy me jewelry, and finally we agreed I would just buy my own, as I know a lot about gemstones and jewelry and therefore have extremely specific wants and requirements.)
(The exception is when it’s something like a book we know the other one wants, where there’s not a lot of leeway on type of model, etc. We’ve both done pretty well with book presents for each other.)
So… we generally buy our own expensive presents. But! Last night we went out to get Christmas presents with the almost-four-year-old. Daddy picked out the wallet he wanted, and then wandered about the store while she and I bought it for him. He and she picked out two presents for me – the calendar I need for next year and the toy cars that she was totally convinced that Mommy would love, and maybe let her play with sometime (I did okay it, as I loved those cars when I was a kid and will still enjoy playing with them with her.)
Is there a reason you are hard to buy for?, because I shouldn’t be for him. Here is a list of things my husband can buy me that I’m perfectly happy to get.
A Spa Day or massage, a blown glass Christmas ornament (sterling silver will work as well - I collect both), good chocolate, teapots (collection), good tea, a wide selection of jewelry and scarves.
Now, you can still miss - I like a specific type of Christmas ornament, but he has been around a long time, he knows which ones I collect. I don’t bother with grocery store tea or ordinary chocolate, but I go through a specific Earl Grey and a specific Tea Forte tea, and he has good taste in chocolate (better than mine, honestly).
He’s harder to buy for. If he wants it, he buys it, which at this time of year makes things tough. I usually end up buying him shirts - he likes something fairly specific and I have a better eye for color on him than he does. But he also likes really nice and expensive Cabs and small batch bourbons, he is a kitchen guy, so I can buy him those weird things normal people don’t have in kitchens (an immersion blender one year) . And I can always buy him lingerie in my size and if I send the kids on an overnight to my mothers as part of the gift, he is delighted.
To turn your ‘notice what color is in your wife’s wardrobe’ around, maybe his wife doesn’t know what *brand *of equipment her husband likes for whatever hobby he has.
Jophiel, remember that your gift expectation is a tool of power. It’s up to you to make it an effective weapon.
)
(I did okay it, as I loved those cars when I was a kid and will still enjoy playing with them with her.)