Same basic story as your husband: If I want it and it’s within the usual discretionary budget, I buy it. If it’s outside the usual budget, it’s probably complicated enough that she doesn’t want to risk getting the wrong item. I don’t collect any general tchotchkes where you’d say “Can always get him another glass gnome”.
In any event, I don’t take her looking for ideas on what to get me as an indication of anything beyond “She’s not sure what to get me but does want to make sure I like it”. I’ve never considered being offended by it or using it as a barometer for how interested she is in our relationship or how much she values me as a person.
Asking for ideas is fine. But I also expect that the ideas are a starting point - they are ideas, not a shopping list. The year he got in trouble was the year my list was a shopping list. He went through and bought the most impersonal things on the list - the stuff he could have ordered by SKU where the entire shopping experience took zero thought and five minutes on Amazon - and skipped over every item on the list that required him to consider “she didn’t give me a color, I’d have to pick.”
My husband and I agreed long ago not to engage in this sort of thing. We generally plan trips we’d like to take. So, for example, some day in the dismal month of February we look out over the lagoon on some warm island, raise a toast to each other and say “Merry Christmas!” We often give some token item as well just to have something under the tree, but it’s no big deal.
Ironically, this is one of the things my mother always requests for Christmas. Since we were old enough to buy her stuff (or that she would leave my father alone with us so we could do that), we’ve always gotten them for her.
Wow what reprehensible opinions from some women in this thread. Kudos to those couples who don’t stress out about presents and what thought goes into them, and shame on those of you who are so petty.
I post on another board that’s 90%-plus women, and there are a ton of women who say this happens to them. However, I think the attitude I mentioned in the OP may have contributed to it.
Certainly he didn’t become this way AFTER they had all their kids, KWIM?
A couple years ago, there was one woman whose family qualified for a Christmas present drive, and she was critical of EVERYTHING she and the kids got. For example, the daughter wanted size 8-10 pajamas and got size 12. For crying out loud, she’ll grow into them. :smack: And who cares if pajamas really fit, anyway?
Truly, there’s no excuse for being ungrateful, throwing petty temper tantrums, or god forbid, throwing someone’s present away. People who act this way should be ashamed of themselves.
But, overall, I still say that it’s always best to err on the side of caution when it comes to getting your spouse/parent a Christmas present. (There are exceptions, of course, but those people know who they are and are quite comfortable with the arrangement). If I were you, I wouldn’t even bring up the matter again because it’s clear that she didn’t mean what she said. Just hand her the gift, and if she protests, say, “Celebrating Christmas without giving a gift to my wife/mom is not an option.”
If she throws it away, well I got nothing for you. That’s rude and infantile.
FYI, we quit doing a formal exchange in our family years ago. But I still get my mom a few little things anyway For about 15 years now, I’ve been creating a customized 12-month photo calendar. Each month a different kid/grandkid is pictured, and it includes all of their birthdays and anniversaries. (It doesn’t bark out a reminder for her to call us on our birthdays, much to her chagrin, but once that technology comes available, I’m totally paying the extra money for it.) <-- great patent idea, entrepreneurs!
I also make a photo calendar for my husband that’s more geared towards our family, and I make a copy of it for me for my work. I can’t tell you how many co-workers have commented on it, and have gone on to use the idea for their own parents/spouses. It only costs me ~20 bucks and 3 hours of my time, but it’s well worth it, IMO.
Not exactly, but yes. My first husband was very good at buying his sister and mother expensive gifts and then saying to me “you said we shouldn’t spend money.”
Actually, he’s sending a clear message that he wants to make sure you get something you like. We’re not psychics. Cut the passive-aggressive bullshit and tell him. Or at least drop a hint.
Count me in as another one who doesn’t get it that you can live with someone for many years, raise children together, and spend a whole lot of time in each other’s company and then claim that you had NO IDEA what he or she would like as a gift. Even the picky, hard-to-buy-for people. You have a year to plan; there’s gotta be something they like. When you’re out shopping, or watching TV, or looking through magazines, and your loved one remarks upon something, make a note of it. It’s not that hard.
I’m not saying that you can pick out the ultimate thingamajig that will make them oooh and aaaah every time. But it’s not that hard to find a book/box of chocolates/pair of fancy socks/bottle of wine or whatever that your loved one will like. And of course each couple has their own traditions; if yours is not to give gifts, or to make gift lists, nothing wrong with that. But I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting your loved one to be able to pick out a gift that you’d like. I’d be pretty damn sad if I thought my husband didn’t pay enough attention to my likes/dislikes to be able to figure out at least a couple gifts a year on his own.
Its quite possible that your significant other has been dropping hints all year long - but you haven’t paid attention. “I really like that woman’s scarf.” “I’ve always wanted to try that restaurant.” “Did you see that the new Assassin’s Creed is out in time for Christmas?” “I wish I had a stand mixer like my moms.”’ And then when you ask “what do you want for Christmas” her internal reaction is "did you not listen to me all year long as I said “nice scarf, I’d like to read that, oh! look at this necklace, one day I’d like to get one of those fitbit things, and just last fucking week when I said ‘I need new gloves, but Christmas is right around the corner?’” And now it isn’t just that you can’t think for yourself, but apparently, we’ve spent all year talking to ourselves.
I’m not speaking from current experience. My wife is pretty good at dropping the correct amount of hintage - a longing glance over her shoulder as we leave a store, or whatever. I’m speaking more from past experience, when SOs would say things like “I don’t care” or “I don’t want anything” and then complain about what they got.
However, I think the attitude I mentioned in the OP may have contributed to it.
