Yesterday was spent going from store to store while every so often I handed my husband something, which he bought for me and said “Don’t look! It’s your Christmas present! Haw, haw, haw!”
On the one hand, it’s nice to get things you know you actually want and are the right color/model/size, etc. But on the other hand, I really appreciate the the time, thought and effort that goes into picking out or making a gift for someone. I put a lot of work into getting people thoughtful gifts and the fact that my husband can’t be bothered to notice anything about me or what kind of things I like is somewhat annoying and bothersome.
He’s had a few clunker gifts in the past, but for the most part I’ve been pleasantly surprised, so I don’t know why he’s so wary of getting me “the wrong thing” or something I won’t like. I feel like he’s just being lazy; it’s pretty much like just handing me cash. It sort of rubs me the wrong way; am I being oversensitive about it?
Sounds like he’s not being much of a gentleman, but I’ve often had to get gifts for myself from various relatives, usually elderly ones who can’t get out to the shops or out to see me.
I don’t know whether or not you’re being oversensitive, but for what it’s worth: I have the same problem. I greatly prefer to get people presents without getting specific suggestions, and it’s more enjoyable to receive a pleasant surprise than something you wanted but knew you were going to get.
For instance: while I enjoy Christmas at my parents’ house, the gifts they get me (I’m still young enough that I get kind of spoiled) are all taken off a list I provide them at the beginning of December–so gift time is mostly a way to get the stuff I want but don’t really feel like I can afford. It’s not really about the presents for me, in any case, but I’d prefer at least a few things I didn’t specifically ask for. Actually being there when the gift is purchased…I dunno, they’ve never done that to me…but I think it would really bother me. Couldn’t he at least note it down and say “Maybe I’ll come back”?
And as far as my boyfriend goes: I’m giving him a pass this year because he’s not a great shopper, I’m his first girlfriend, and we haven’t been together long, but you can bet I’ll be more and more disappointed if he doesn’t start picking up at least a few small things on his own. I’d rather get just a hug and kiss than something I had to tell him to get me.
Heh, my mil used to go your husband one better. After Dr.J started driving, she’d hand him the credit card and bundle him off to pick out and actually purchase his own gifts. She wouldn’t even go with him. Then she’d stash the gifts in the back of her closet like she was hiding them from him for a while before wrapping them up and putting them under the tree. At least she didn’t expect him to pretend to be surprised.
As for your situation, it kind of depends. If I felt like my husband couldn’t be bothered, I’d be pretty damned upset, too. It would make me feel like I was somewhere way down at the bottom of his list of priorities, or maybe not on it at all. If he does little things that make you feel special and important and like he’s thinking about you through the year, but is abysmal at undirected Christmas shopping, I’d be inclined to think it wasn’t such a big deal. That would indicate to me that he is putting time and thought and effort into it, but for some odd reason lacks confidence in this one situation. If this is a year-round issue, though…well, I’d think the Christmas present thing was the least of your problems.
For the benefit of the gentlemen reading this thread, it really doesn’t matter what you buy. If you are good at this - congratulations, you don’t have a problem. For the other 95% of us, eventually she’ll wise up and start dropping not-so-subtle hints just to prevent you from giving her another piece of crap. It’s really a moot point, though. Provided you keep the receipt, giving a gift is essentially the same as giving cash, apart from a bit of initial legwork. Added bonus - when she goes to return/exchange your gift, you have extra free time to watch TV.
Suggestion: the next time you are shooting pool or watching sports with your buddies, get involved in a wee bit of friendly wagering. Once you can raise the stakes a bit, suggest that the loser does everyone else’s Christmas shopping. That way, all you need to do is make a list.
Although I would rather be given cash for an up-start college fund, I generally shop for stuff myself. Generally, this is a good idea considering how “obscure” my wants are, and how particular I am of waste - my presents better be the best price which is found online which is not easy for my not-so-tech-savvy present givers.
There are no children left in the family (the youngest are my teenage niece and nephew). Everyone in my family just turns to each other and says “Well? What do YOU want for Christmas?” (insert slightly irritated tone here). We don’t exactly buy our own gifts for ourselves, but it is the next best thing.
I think when it comes to that point (or the dreaded “exchange of gift cards”), I’d just as soon bow out. In fact, I tried to do just that this year, but someone had already gone out and bought me a gift card, so it was too late to call them off.
It is all SO depressing. As far as the adults go, I think I’d rather we just got together, had a good time, expressed our good wishes toward each other, and bagged the gift thing.
There are certainly bigger problems in life than voguevixen’s, but it would really drive me up a pole. Couldn’t hubby come up with one teeny-tiny present on his own? Even if it weren’t great, it would show some initiative and an attempt to think about her.
My husband won’t LET me buy him anything. He wants money so he can go pick out whatever he wants. He said he’d rather know in advance what he’s getting than be disappointed.
I think very few people are truly good gift givers. Most just pick out what they like and expect you to like it. I’ve got relatives that absolutely SUCK at picking out presents. It’s like they intentionally buy something they know you’ll hate.
My suggestion for you, OP, is to make your husband a list of stuff you want. Make a BIG list of say, at least 50 things. Break it down according to price, your desire for it, whatever. That way he can refer to it on Christmas and other occasions and you’ll still be a little surprised.
As far as why he’s doing this, my guess is that gifts aren’t important to him. Since he doesn’t care about them, it doesn’t occur to him that they’re important to others in his life.
A very large part of the Christmas gift is the time and thought that was put into it. My husband hates buying gifts and has really lacked at it; but the one year he dedicated himself to doing a good job was incredible. It wasn’t anything I asked for, but he actually thought about what I’d enjoy and tried to treat me to something I’d never get myself. It was great, but also the only time it ever happened.
What is so painful is that it seems that the one person you love the most doesn’t love you enough in return to put forth the effort to delight you or surprise you. Their own desire to not be bothered seems more important than we are.
I’d like to say that I think you should tell him why and how you feel, but my experience is that it lasts for that one Christmas. I’ve stuffed my own stockings for the past 8 years not to mention purchased my own presents.
My mom tells me a suggested cash amount of presents. I put things on my Amazon Xmas list that add up to the suggested amount. She buys them. I get stuff I want, and she doesn’t have to take anything back. That’s the way Xmas works in my house.
It used to be different, but that all changed when I was fourteen and got a CD of old Xmas standards for Xmas, along with my CD player. I was pretty magnanimous (well as magnanimous as a 14-year-old who just got a Bing Crosby CD for Xmas would be), but she could tell I was very disappointed so from then on I’ve picked out every one of my gifts. Amazon has helped a lot, since most of what I like to listen to/read/watch is fairly obscure so she doesn’t need to special order it anymore.
I wish my parents knew more about me, enough to pick out presents I’d like on their own, but unfortunately they don’t. Half the time when I’m opening my gifts they’re saying stuff like “gee, never heard of that band” or “never heard of that writer.” Picking out stuff I’d like would require, like, looking through my bookcase or CD binder and seeing what kind of writing/bands I enjoy and finding things that match the stuff I already have. And that’s a lot of work, especially around Xmas when there’s so much baking to be done.
At least they can pick out clothes on their own. Though that’s easy, since I don’t wear anything but dark-colored sweaters.
See, that to me is the perfect gift. It doesn’t have to be flashy and expensive, but it has to have a little HEART in it, you know? I would be happy if he bought me a pack of gum and said “I remember how much you talked about this gum on our first date” or something. Yes, GUM! (This is actually something I would not buy for myself…I am truly that cheap.)
I’ve done the list thing. Luckily my mom is ALL ABOUT the Amazon.com wishlist, lol. He did that last year, but for some reason isn’t so keen on it this year. Odd, really
He just comes from a family of TERRIBLE gift givers and has no confidence in his abilities. Two true stories you will get a chuckle out of:
#1 - the first xmas we were dating he gave me a “gift set” of old-lady purfume and whore-red lipstick. He immediately said “You can exchange it if you want” and when we went to the downtown branch of the store, we had to walk through a million different purfume displays to get to the register. I asked him “How did you decide to buy me THIS specific perfume?” He blushed and said “At the other mall this was the display closest to the door.”
#2 - last year his sister gave him a decorative jar of popcorn. First of all, who gives a man a decorative jar of ANYTHING; and second of all, he worked in a movie theater for 25 (yes, TWENTY-FIVE) years. Don’t you think the novelty of, and/or interest in popcorn would’ve worn off at some point?
Bonus #3 (I just thought of) - one year we went xmas shopping together for his family. He walked into the first store we saw and grabbed a package of steak knives. He said “Steak knives! Yeah, I’ll get Annette steak knives!” I said “does Annette eat a lot of steak? Did she mention needing knives? Does she even eat MEAT?!?!” Blank stare. Didn’t know. Probably didn’t care. Just wanted to cross her off the list.
Like already mentioned, there are FAR bigger problems to have in life, so I feel lame even whining about it. I have to wonder if he’s hiding something up his sleeve and I’ll feel like a big heel on Xmas day. I’ll keep you posted!
When I was growing up we used to be really good about making specific Christmas lists (mine was always illustrated—what can I tell you, I always loved to draw). We all usually got what we wanted because we tried to follow everyone’s lists.
My poor dad, well, he knew if he actually allowed my mom to personally buy her gift for him, he’d end up being given some weird piece of CRAP that he did not want. (She always had a knack of choosing out oddball stuff.) She knew she was like this too, but she couldn’t seem to change her ways. So when I got a little older, he’d give me money, and I’d buy the gifts that she was supposed to buy for him. Because he knew I’d at least try to follow his list. She seemed to go along with this fine. She was just glad that he got stuff that he wanted.
Of course, sometimes I’d ignore his list and get something that I thought he wanted, even if it wasn’t on the list. I remember him saying once that he’d always wanted a train set as a kid, but had never gotten one. And he’d always had a thing for trains, streetcars and such. Had all the train geek books (yes, that’s what I call them). And we all know about the men who have Lionel trains set up in their basement—some of those things are pretty cool. Anyway, one year I bought him a train set, like that. He didn’t know what to make of it at first, but I know he was happy. He never would have bought such a thing for himself, but since I had done it, he was finally one of those guys who had a train set. It was nice.
My father was a great gift giver to my mother. Mind you, he usually took a daughter or two shopping for clothes with him, but he also did wonderful, creative presents and wrapping. The first year they were married, my mother wanted a sweater that was horrendously expensive (like $50 back in 1954), She knew they couldn’t afford it, but as she open her gifts she started get more and more disappointed. Her last gift came, a heavy box about 2’ long and 4" around. She opened it up to find two boxes of nails at either end, with the sweater rolled up inside it. One year for her birthday he hired the woman who did my sister’s wedding cake. She made an apricot filled marzipan-covered cake. It cost $200, for a birthday cake, but she loved it. The year I first moved into my first home of my own, he bought me a toolbox and filled it with the basics. He was quite the guy.