Are sizes consistent for jeans? My wife just bought a dress, and mentioned how the sizes that fit her were all over the place.
I don’t know about the bike shorts, but I definitely think that a bell, a light, and things like that would make good gifts. Shorts, gloves and helmets are really things you’d want to try on.
Yea, to follow on the mention of the Five Love Languages, my wife and I are both not gifts people.
We don’t get each other gifts. Pretty much ever. I may get her a card and some flowers (less than $15) for our anniversary, but that is about as far as it goes.
When my coworkers find out that I am not getting anything for her for Christmas/birthday, they are horrified. They think I am terrible husband. Yea, whatever. We haven’t bought into the commercialization of holidays and that the only way to show love is to spend money.
Make sure those bike shorts are blue and not babyshit green!
I will say this thread has been pretty enlightening.
… but not in a good way. 
Now you know what to get your husband for Christmas!
I only knew of it 2nd or 3rd hand… figures there’d be a book about it.
Just out of curiosity - do you suspect you are on the autism spectrum? This is the sort of thing that its really hard for my nephew to do, who has Apsberger’s - he can’t get this at all and its part of the condition.
But I know that my husband can tell the difference. So for him, its not an excuse.
For me, its not the hint vs. list - its the understanding of my tastes and the indication that my spouse has put forth effort. So it isn’t hints for me at all.
I’ll give you an example - a few years ago I prepared a list, and I got all the things on the list that he could order without needing to make ANY decisions (when I blew up and pointed this out - he did point out that he had, all on his own, bought me a CASE for the iPad - iPad on list, case wasn’t - except he didn’t shop for it - he picked out the same case he had.) One of the things I had on my list was that I would like a - what was at the time (and still is) called a “statement necklace”- I was looking for large costume jewelry. You can type the words “statement necklace” into Google and find images of what I’m talking about - he could as well. But he didn’t, because he didn’t know what I was talking about. My expectation was that he would do this - or ask for clarification, or talk to my daughter, my friend, my mother or my personal shopper, and then, from the options presented to him, choose one that he felt I would like - that he’d put some thought into what I wear and pick one. Another think I had on my list was the glass ornaments I spoke of earlier - again, there isn’t a specific ornament I had in mind, my hope was that he’d pick one for me.
Now, he could have bought either, and even if it wasn’t precisely what I would have picked for myself, it would have been meaningful because he picked it for me. The iPad - one is indistinguishable from the other - there is no personality in getting one. No effort is required to have Amazon ship it other than three minutes on the internet and a credit card.
Now, last year, having realized what I wanted in terms of expectations, he bought me a coat. He worked with the personal shopper - who is pretty good - she helped pick my work wardrobe for a few years and knows my taste, my coloring and my size - he said she had four coats she thought I’d like in my size for him to choose from. And he picked. I wasn’t expecting a coat - and I LOVE it. He 1) thought of something I’d like (I do like coats and jackets), 2) made arrangements on his busy schedule to shop for it (he is also a workaholic), 3) and made a choice from options presented with me in mind. And he picked out a coat I would have never bought for myself (too extravagant) but which I would have wanted had I gone coat shopping for it.
Bike shorts are stretchy, they’ll be pretty close. And just in case, keep the receipt.
Heh, no, not at all. 
Probably the opposite, in fact. My job is even based on interpreting a lot of complex interpersonal relationships. In my case, the issue is more that I am an admittedly very picky person. My standards for scarves is very specific, and very high (in this case, I’m using “scarf” as a stand-in for just about anything), so I would never in a million years expect anyone else to pick up on all my nuanced thoughts about the scarf, its exact hue, its fabric content, its length, its style of fringe, etc.
I guess this is just different personalities, because I wouldn’t have any preference over more unique or less unique gifts on a list. If I didn’t want them, I wouldn’t have included them. I don’t see the element of making a choice as bringing any extra value to the gift, especially if the choosing would have added anxiety to the giver.
If the giver enjoys making the choice, sure, have at it! Have fun! Knock yourself out! I have one friend who is this kind of person, and it is always great to get gifts from her because her enjoyment of the entire process comes through.
Oh, I just thought of a good analogy for how I feel about this. Cooking – if a person loves to cook, and invites me over for dinner, and prepares a gorgeous, complicated meal, I am delighted. Food! I love it! If another person is not that into cooking, and in fact, it would be a real effort, and not a pleasant one, to make a home-cooked meal, I would feel badly if that person did it anyway because of a perception that I would somehow link the value of our friendship to the kind of meal served. Hey, let’s order a pizza and have a great conversation! Let’s everyone stick to their strengths, is how I feel about this.
I buy my gear from Team Estrogen, and they have size charts so if you know what her clothing size is, you should be pretty good in picking Knicks (padded shorts). I love Knogg bike lights too.
Thanks for not taking offense. I know that some people really don’t GET this nuance - they aren’t capable of it.
I can be pretty picky as well - which is why my mother in law doesn’t get me much - and I’m grateful for it. But I’m not married to my mother in law - there isn’t the expectation of personal intimacy on my part. For me, it isn’t about the gift, its about the illustration of intimacy with me. In general, I’m not a gifty person - I don’t exchange them with friends (once in a while a friend will gift me with something out of the blue - and once in a while I do the same), and my sisters and I are at the token gift stage.
(And yeah, I’m using scarf as a stand in for anything - and because it isn’t as loaded a gift as jewelry - if I’d have brought up jewelry then you get into the whole ‘money grabbing bitch’ sort of thing.)
Jeans are very difficult to buy someone. Bike shorts are very forgiving, thanks to lycra. (But, yes, keep the receipt)
Awesome!!!
That’s what I did, and I discovered that for Christmas my wife wants me to stop snooping through her browsing history.
Setting aside the jerkiness of the OP attributing his personal relationship issues to an entire gendered social role, of which I am a member, I admit this can be tricky. If you have excellent communication and are pretty easygoing, you can skip gifts sometimes, but if there’s any issues of possible resentment, better to buy.
My husband and I “give” each other our season theater tickets for Christmas each year (we actually sign up for them in the summer and pay in installments), and this November, we just bought a new, larger TV to replace our failing one. I had indicated I didn’t really want to shop further for each other (except for helping the kids by presents for us).
Him: Are we getting each other Christmas presents this year?
Me: Nah. We just bought each other a bitchin new TV. That’s plenty.
Him: OK, I wanted to really make sure . . .
Me: I get it - you don’t want me to wind up getting something for you, and then you’re standing there on Christmas with your dick in your hand.
Him: Well, that *would *be something for you.
Of course, I also have no problem making it easy for him (and others). I have a very active Amazon wishlist, as well as a shared Pinterest board called “Gifts for ME!” which includes my favorite booze, books, clothes, purses, bedding, makeup, games, Lovecraftian audio dramas, and so on. If he often got me random, perfunctory stuff, I’d probably take a deep breath and say, “When you don’t use my suggestions for gifts I’d like, it makes me feel like you don’t really want to make me happy and view gift-giving as a bothersome obligation,” rather than keep dropping hints he “should” get but clearly doesn’t.
How about if your friend cooks complicated meals for other people, but despite knowing that you like food, when you come over, he opens up a can of Ragu? One thing to know about my husband is that for as long as I’ve known him, he shops for his mother. Every year, without a list, he goes out and finds something for her. And, when his brother was alive, his brother as well. And before we had kids, he’d do it for me - but about the time we had kids, something changed - and I stopped getting gifts that required thought - but only me.
And I think it was simply as more people entered his life, and he got busier, he had less time. And he felt that he still needed to shop for his mother and his brother (because I don’t - WE get them a gift, but he shops for them), but shopping for me got deprioritized. I became an item on his checklist.
I glazed over just reading about the minefield your husband navigates.
That is a good man right there.
He actually has it pretty good in real life. I usually get nothing for my birthday or valentines day. I don’t expect flowers (and almost never get them - I’m delighted when I do get them, but I hate the idea of “obligatory flowers”). He spends much of his free time with friends and its very seldom I say “I’d like you home.” I easily slip into self sacrifice - canceling appointments with my girlfriends because the kids need me and he wants to see friends, being the one with the “not serious” job because someone has to do the orthodontist appointments. Keep in mind you are getting thirty years of stories (and some of them going back to my ex husband). In exchange, once a year he has to actually go out and find a gift while showing that he has paid some attention in the past 30 years to my taste and hobbies. That doesn’t sound like unreasonable expectations on a life partner.
We did this last year and in April and May enjoyed our longest ever vacation (23 days!) and it was marvelous. This year we discussed our Christmas budget and decided that we wanted the iPad Air upgrade so we bought those on release day and said “Happy early Christmas”
Multiple times throughout our marriage I have spent weeks or months planning the perfect gift only to have him buy it for his own damn self a week before the occasion. Now I don’t plan more than a month in advance and we have a “no buying anything for yourself in this period” rule.
Seriously people discuss your expectations honestly with the people you love. Even someone who knows me really well might not know that I changed my mind recently about an author I used to like or that the specific piece I want from a photographer I love has changed. Marriage is particularly fraught with peril since you’re bringing two separate sets of life long expectations into one situation. Talk! It’s the solution.