An Apology to Americans.

My friend Rick Mercer worte this recently and I googled for a link but could not find one. Mods if you can find a link then please post it :slight_smile:

I don’t understand the beer reference. Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, Anchor Steam and a million others are way better than that overrated Molson in the skunky green bottles.

Hitler/Saddam: Let me get this straight. Last time, we were too reluctant to go to war, and this time we are too eager?

This reminds me of the really ugly, skinny, plastic boobed skank in Survivor talking about “how the uglier, fatter, older women are all jealous of her”.

WHAT?!? You called Bush a moron? He’s not a moron, he’s special…

heh-heh… “soft wood”… heh-heh…


I couldn’t care less about your criticism of our stupid jug-eared puppet of a “duly elected” president – a great many US citizens have the same problem with the electorial college and thw Supreme Court’s involvment of said ‘election’.

That said, this isn’t 1988 anymore! We’ve got Sam Addams, Siera Nevada, Pyramid Lager, – a great many fantastic microbrews that make living in this ostensible ‘democracy’ tolerable!

And if it makes you feel any superior, I totally bow down to the Canadian superiority in sports that involve ice and living close to the fucking arctic circle. Yes, you are undisputed masters of hockey, curling and dying of hypothermia at bus stops. Congrats!

But us brits still beat you at Curling :wink:

I love it.

Now I want a sincere apology for some of your musical exports.

On behalf of all Canadians I do apologize for Celine Dion. And Alanis Morrisette. We have no good excuse for their continued existence.

Take back Bryan Adams and all is forgiven. (I kind of like Alanis, though).

If they’re so great why aren’t they macrobrews? Respectfully, you need to re-watch South Park Episode 217: Gnomes.

Can you throw in an apology for that Avril thing? Maybe we can counter with apologies for Britney Spears and all boyz bandz?

I don’t get it. Canadians have so much going for them! They’ve got peace, political freedom, a beautiful country… 90% of the world’s population would give anything to have a life as good as the average Canadian’s.

Somehow, though, that just doesn’t seem to be enough for them! They have to convince themselves that Canada is MORE than just a nice, pleasant, utterly unremarkable country (as if there’s something WRONG with being a nice, pleasant, utterly unremarkable country!). But, try as they might, they can’t THINK of anything that makes them remarkable. Except for three things:

  1. We’re good at hockey, eh? (Though not as good as you USED to be- you used to make up 98% of the NHL’s players, and now you’re barely a majority.)

  2. We’ve got good beer, eh? (Compared to what? To Coors? Sure, you got me there. Compared to the best beers around the world? Not even close. Think anybody buys Molsons in Germany?)

  3. At least we’re not the freaking United States, eh?

Okay, you definitely have us there. You’re not the U.S. But if that’s the best source for pride you can come up with, Canada is a LOT more pathetic than I think she is.

Come on! There are a thousand good reasons to love living in Canada. Even a Yank like me can see them. But apparently, a lot of Canadians can’t enjoy those things in and of themselves. They can ONLY enjoy what Canada has to offer by comparing it to what we have in the U.S.!

A proud, confident Canadian would look around and say, “You know what? This is a pretty great county I live in.” And he’d be right! A pathetic, petty Canadian loser looks around and says, “This place isn’t that great… but at least we’re not as lame as those hosers south of us.”

Of course, what really galls the petty Canadian loser is that, while he spends loads of time whining and moaning about the evils of the U.S., practically nobody in the U.S. is thinking about Canada at all!

OK, seeing as I posted this out of the pit I will be kind. :slight_smile:

We HAVE to think about the US. The Whole World does. Your actios as a country ripple throughout the world. With that power comes some responsibility. And it isn’t being weilded in such a fashion at the moment. Being strong does not translate into the necessity of being a bully. Being strong does not mean that the world should respect any and every decision you make without question. Sadly, the strength of the US in the hands of those that do not know how to handle it is your country’s greatest weakness. A large percentage of your fellow countymen agree with me as well as the majority of the population of the planet.

So, while practically nobody in the US is thinking about Canada at all, maybe you should start to. But not only us, you should be thinking about your position within the world, from as many perspectives as possible. That would mean learning about the countries and peoples whose lives you affect every time your president feels the need to put his foot down about things I quite frankly do not feel that he understands. And that is not only irresponsible, but dangerous.

Sorry, the OP was meant to be a lighthearted poke. I wish I hadn’t turned into more, but NEVER bad mouth Canadian hockey. :wink:

'Cuz adherants to that watery, syrupy-sweet garbage that the major manufacturors crank out (Budweiser, Miller, Coors) are taking so long to freaking DIE.

Jesus, Grandpa Inky just kicked last year at the ripe old age of freakin’ 98!? Honestly! The fucker smoked a pack-a-day for forty years, worked in a coal mine, an iron smelter, was a Navy gunner, was a Golden Gloves boxer, ate fatty Polish sausage well into his eighties, and drank a six pack per day of shitty Iron City Beer until he kicked. I mean, WTF!?

Where’s that Onion article about that “country” to the north called Canada?

I would like to appologize for William Shatner.

For that alone, we’re lucky the US doesn’t bomb us into the stone age. :slight_smile:

We’re sorry that you’re from the same gene pool as Celine Dion.

We’re sorry that you still have to bow to a queen who doesn’t give a flying f-ck about her own people, let alone yours.

We’re sorry that its You that has to deal with Quebec and the whole ‘militant French language’ thing. Best of Luck with that.

We’re sorry that, by your standards, Fargo, North Dakota is a Tropical Paradise.

You have good hockey players. (Hey, its Christmas Break and your town gets 2 TV stations & 3 radio stations; I guess you’re going to learn to do Something) I’m sorry that you don’t have the money to keep them on your country’s hockey teams.

I’m sorry that Dubya isn’t up to Canadian Standards; he’s certainly no Pierre Trudeau.

I’m sorry our side of Niagra Falls is far better than your side.

I’m sorry that our wine making region out produces and out classes yours every day of the week…but good luck with that ‘beer’ thing.

I’m sorry for Alex Trebec. You can have him back now.

I’m sorry your economy is in the dumper right now just because ours is. Its a shame that Canada’s economy leans on its southern neighbor so much that it can’t stand on its own legs. I would have thought you’d have more pride.

I’m Benedict Arnold lost at Fort Montreal; I’d really love to add the people of your nation to our welfare roles.

I’m sorry you celebrate ‘boxing day’. Personally, I hate having to deal with even the twisty ties on kids presents, let alone the boxes. Perhaps you should have named it ‘long line at gift return day’.

I’m sorry it will take you two years to get on board with Iraq. The conflict will be all over by then and the area will be re-named “New Turban” or “Mideast Texas” by then, assuming we haven’t leveled the population centers and salted the earth.

You’re welcome.

Alex Trebek, Raymond Burr, Jim Carrey, Pamela Anderson… the list goes on an on. Is this some sort of court imposed thing? Do you exile all of your criminals to the south?

I’ll refer you to the aforementioned South Park episode. You’re like Tweak’s dad.