Read in the paper today of a woman who died after 10 years in a persistent vegetative state. She was not on any life support systems other than food and hydration and died of natural causes (no one “pulled the plug”). The article also mentioned the woman’s husband. You have to respect the guy for sticking it out with his wife.
The question: What would you do if your spouse was suddenly in such a state? If you knew that there was no hope of recovery, could you bring yourself to start another relationship? If so, is that adultery? Would you divorce the spouse but continue to provide financial support for long term care or is “for better or worse” really “for better or worse?”
Personally, I could never answer that question without having been in the situation. On one hand, I would want to stay with my wife, because I believe we would be together after this life is over. On the other hand, I don’t like the thought of my wife having to “deal” with me if I was in that state. I would want her to enjoy the rest of her life here. It’s a hard call.
One thing I can say is that the people who do “stick it out” have my utmost respect. thanks for the interesting topic plnnr.
I can’t really say what I would do, given the situation.
What I would want my husband to do is to get on with his life. Given the fact that I plan on being the major breadwinner in my relationship, it would be my insurance covering my…I guess I would call it upkeep, like a gardener keeps a topiary bush trimmed. And I would want my husband to be happy. At that point, my feelings on the matter no longer exist. If meeting someone new makes him happy, so be it. I know I would no longer be able to do that for him, and he deserves much more than the indefinite role of caretaker.
Hubby knows (I’ve told him) that I’ll stick with him no matter what as long as he knows who I am. I think I’m joking – hope I never have to find out. So if he’s in bad shape but still knows who I am, I’m there for him.
When first hubby was sick, his pride was the most important thing he lost. I couldn’t convince him that his body was separate from his self. He was pretty much an a**hole when he was well, but I have to admit he showed some class when he was terminal.
I hate to be practical in what is essentially an emotional topic, but I have a business associate who was pretty much forced to divorce his wife under similar circumstances.
I’m not sure how one goes about legally divorcing someone who is unable to either agree or contest, but the matter came down to financial life or death as well as real life or death. Even the best of insurance policies have limits, and after his wife was in a coma for three years the choice was either severing legal ties or facing hundreds of thousands in debts.
Sadly, his wife didn’t make it back after another two years, and while he stuck with her physically until the end he felt that he owed their kids something other than the crippling debt that results from the medical and legal squabbles over the definition of life.
I hope never to have to face his choices, but I can’t disagree with his decisions.
Dr. Watson
“If decisions were a choice between alternatives, decisions would come easy. Decision is the selection and formulation of alternatives.” – Kenneth Burke
In a case like that, I would have to say, treat the veggie women as if she was dead. That is basically here status. I would move about my business as if my wife had just died. However long it takes you to mourn the passing of your wife is how long it should take you before you begin to seek another relationship. This matter brings up the question of what really is the meaning of being alive. Alive in a sense of sustaining one’s own exsistance. Or alive in the sense of live a life on a day to day basis. If I had to pick what the meaning of life is, I would have to say that life is mearly a constant string of events, situations, and memories. The day that all of this ends is the day that you die. If someone no long alters there existance in any way shape or form, they are dead in my mind. So I say treat the women as if she is dead and move on with your life accordingly.
The computer has brought more problems to man then any other invention in history. That is unless you consider Tequilla an invention.
In thought I’d like to fit the model of one honoring obligations to anyone to whom those are due. I can offer only my vicarious experience.
One of my very best friend’s mother suffered a massive stroke when he was in his late teens. She was totally immobilized (she had some limited movement of her eyeballs). She lived for another 15-16 years. We never knew if she was vegatative or not. It took a little adjustment, but I got used to going to their house and making sure to sit with her and talk a bit. She would look at you. She made all holidays and family functions as well as just having friends over for dinner.
Her husband was, fortunately, a good businessman and could afford to take care of her. They moved and he built a house with a facility designed to care for her, with round the clock nursing care.
After a few years, he met a woman. He took the case to his two kids (my friend - young adult - and his sister - teenager) and let them make the call. They sanctioned a relationship and this woman became part of all of our lives - very nice gal, frankly. But he never divorced his wife and his paramour never lived in the house. Eventually the two women met and they became a sort of trio. Until my friend’s dad died (unexpectedly). His wife died within the next year. He took care of everybody in his will.
I don’t know what else to say; I’m just offering up a slice of life that seems pertinent to the OP. Personally, I think the guy handled a crappy hand of cards as well as anybody might expect. And I could hardly reproach Dr. Watson’s acquaintance.
why are you asking this question now??
my husband died yesterday, he was in coma for two weeks, his liver was gone, his kidneys stopped. why did I wait so long? after he was taken off the “machine” it took him 17 hours to stop breathing. It was what he wanted, but I was selfish and didn’t want to let him go. No I would not wait two years.
Nanno, I came to the bottom of the thread to make a joke about just wanting to pull my husband’s life support, and saw your post, and I feel really ashamed.
Regarding the OP, that is a rough call to make, and not something I can say with certainty, because it is situational.
However, I think that if I loved her enough to marry her, I’d feel some responsibility to care for her. Again with the OP, she lived on her own (just food and water), so it wasn’t the tougher choice of terminating life support.
Emotionally, that’s harder to call. Perhaps if the right person came along I would move on.