An Ode To A Smoke Alarm

You wait until the quietest moments
in the middle of the night
to beep your loudest to the void
with your greatest might.

It seems you time your efforts
to coincide with my slumber.
You’ve woken me many, many times,
far too many to number.

I wonder why you feel the need.
Do you really need the practice?
Your constant, loud, annoying beeps
grate me like a cactus!

And just for added effect,
as if that wasn’t enough,
you wait until I’m under you
to holler loud and gruff.

It’s not as if I don’t know you work
because when I burn the toast,
you spring into action to protect us all
and in your task, become engrossed.

To the point that we must hover there
whilst waving a teatowel,
to get rid of all that smoke
that causes you to howl.

So now I know it’s not because
you need the exercise.
I think it’s pathological!
You need to brutalise!

I’ve replaced your batteries before
so I know that they’re not failing.
I think you want the attention
that arises from your wailing!

Now I know it’s said in many circles
there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
But that saying was crafted by people
ignorant of your duplicity!

So I have no option now,
but to send you to the pit.
Or to remove your batteries to silence you
You worthless piece of shit!

:smiley:
Max

Priceless Maxxxie. I’ve got to forward that to my firehouse buddies. :stuck_out_tongue:

Do you have any idea how old the unit is? The NFPA recommends replacement if it’s 10 years old or more, owing to sensitivity drift. If it isn’t that old, it probably needs to be cleaned. I found spiderwebs inside the photo chamber of one unit.

Thanks for a helluva good laugh. :wink:

An excellent ode, Maxxxie. Reminds me I need to replace the battery for the one I have here.

My smoke alarm hates it when I
Forget that I’ve left set on high
The flame 'neath the pot
Where my eggs boil, too hot,
Till the smoke hits the 'lectronic eye.

Then it’s rush to the kitchen, to see
What has triggered the wailing banshee.
Open windows, doors wide!
Flap that towel! Subside!
I cry vainly, while cats madly flee.

All the water has boiled clean away
From the blackened pot. Say I: “Oy vey!”
See those hot eggs explode!
Fragments far and wide throwed*
I’ll be cleaning this mess up all day.
*Yes, I know. Poetic license and all that. :smiley:

Or is it “oy veh”? :dubious:

Excellent. Bravo!

Thinking about this thread, a female doper has an exciting morning:

Hot, steamy shower feels good
What’s that racket from the hall?
There’s no fire-Shut up!

Phone call sidetracked thoughts
My toast has turned to charcoal
Howling din again!

Neighbor being kind
Heard smoke alarms and worried
She dialed 9-1-1!

Sirens in the street
Many feet thunder up stairs
Firemen at my door!

Air is clear again
The cute guys have left my home
fessie was quite right!

:wink:

Thankyou one and all for your replies :slight_smile:

EddyTeddyFreddy, I think it’s “Oy vey”. To both you and danceswithcats, thankyou for the poetry. Loving it!

Also, danceswithcats, I have no idea how old it is, except to say that I’ve been here almost five years, and it came with the house when I moved in. I will probably replace it - not because I think it’s too old (though it probably is). I just want to get its infernal, whinging self out of my house!

:smiley:
Max.