an ode to my idiotic office-mate

I was inspired to write a poem…this just flowed out nearly complete. I gave it a couple seconds of proofing, but I wanted to preserve the raw feel of it, so here it is.

Background- My IRL name is Steve, and my ‘friend’ always precedes his stupid questions when I am incredibly busy by saying “hey, steve?” in the same stupid drawling tone. It’s a running joke around the building because everyone hears how he does it 20x a day.

He is also extremely nosy and an idiot. :frowning:

No profanity (sorry, pitizens), but chock full o’ derision.


a poem by pantheon

he looms over me

not that close

but so large

so curious

his hungry eyes

suck in every detail

like a blackhole of esteem

my dress

my mannerisms

my monitor

my visitors

my conversations

he almost dog-whines

oh! unbearable anticipation

wondering what I will do next

why does he stare

why is he so hungry

for any crumb of me

i can feel

his saucer-like eyes

aglow with dumb animal longing

bleak with long animal dumbness

his cold breath

wafts down the back of my neck

chilling my backbone

making my fingers

stumble on the keyboard

its just the AC blowing!

beat, heart, beat

and then it comes

the dreaded pause

of preparatory inhalation

the smell of over-clocking and

gears turning the wrong way

gathering of speech energy…

desperately I try to earmark

where I am on every item

in the slippery stack

of my multitasking

racing, panicking,

time, give me time!


I won’t be quick enough

that all active threads


be terminated

before i can even…
“hey, steve?”

Bravo, bravo!

“officle-mate”? Very nice touch. :slight_smile:

Good poem. You really captured the essence of a guy who really makes you appreciate his absence.

Lovely. A nice kind of mix of Zen and Poe. Poe-Zen? Say it out loud!


Nice doggerel, but more importantly, it has inspired me to write a pilot for a sitcom called "Hey Steve?"about an office functionary whose life is made miserable by his always-looming workmate.

It will become a star vehicle for one of the rejects from “Last Comic Standing,” and will be written poorly enough to ensure a long and successful run on the CW Network.

Damnit, Vinyl, why ya gotta overshadow my funny? :stuck_out_tongue:

I’ll sign over all creative rights in exchange for a cameo as the bumbling UPS guy, caught in the middle, and a pyramid of Velveeta.

Have your people call mine.


Damn funny.

Can you write about my co-workers?

Better make it soon because I’m probubly going to snap any day now and get fired (although I’ve been saying that for 11 years).

Come on, Steve, he’s just trying to show his love!

Eh! Steve!