With my last job change, I graduated from a cubicle to an office with a door, but I have one office-mate. After a year and a half, I am starting to hate him. I hate his hipster doofus clothes. I hate the shitty industrial metal music he listens to all day (thankfully on headphones, although I can hear most of it because he turns the volume up to 11). I hate smelling his farts every afternoon. I hate his poster. I hate his messy desk. I hate how he does his job. I hate how he bobs around and nods his head to the beat of his punk-ass music. I hate his Aeron chair and the pieces of lumber he uses to raise his desk so his long bony-ass legs can fit underneath. I hate his egotistical anecdotes. I hate how he goes out to lunch for an hour and a half every day. I hate it when he comes back. I hate overhearing his phone calls. I hate how he always wants to prop the door open, which is in violation of the fire code. I hate hearing about his boring “active single” lifestyle, which consists of biking trips, getting wasted, and playing volleyball at the beach. I hate how he thinks you can only get deep dish pizza in Chicago. I hate the picture of his monkey-looking niece. I hate his whiteboard and everything that’s written on it, even the stuff I wrote.
Actually, he’s not a bad guy. This is just an illustration of how familiarity breeds contempt. I shall try to hate him less.
I hate how he can never drink just plain water, it always has to be Ice-Quencher Electric Blue Gatorade, or Farkleberry Capri-Sun, or Peach-Vanilla-Chamomile Tea, or a fantastic dessert beer that has the sweetness of stout with a hint of cherries in the aroma and flavor, making a great complement to a cherry cheese cake, or served just by itself after dinner.
However, what I do like is how the new guy in the next office is always calling and interrupting him with dumb questions.
Regarding the poster, it’s a picture of a bunch of bicycle racers riding through a field of sunflowers. Disgusting.
Totally, I get the same thing at times. I work with really great people (in general) but man, some days I’d be happy to never see any of them again. You wind up spending more time with your co-workers than with your family.
I hate his “Jame Gumb” phone voice. I hate the drink he brought back from lunch: Sub Zero something or other. I hate his computer, especially his optical mouse. I hate the Certificate of Special Recognition over his desk. I hate how he always eats a Balance Bar at 10 am. I hate listening to him eat, especially something he likes, because he always says “Yummy”.
I once shared an office with a guy who ate fruit all day and chewed with his mouth open. The constant smack, smack smacking all day long made me loath him. Luckily, I have my own office now.
I used to sit next to a guy who had this annoying horking, snorting laugh—and he would do it all day while IM’ing his friends and looking up various Lord of the Rings merchandise. I moved cubes because he annoyed me so much.
So what does he hate about you? When he’s sitting over there bopping his head and munching his Balence Bar and writing on his white board, what rage-filled monolouge is streaming through his head?
Come on, man, we need to have both sides of the story for when this becomes an Onion headline.
