An Ode to the Assholes that Stole my Beloved Purse

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Assholes,

I didn’t really pay much attention to you as you sat down in the restaurant beside my party. You seemed like a nice couple, out for a date. When the two of you suddenly jumped up, and ran out of the restaurant at full tilt, I thought it lacked a certain social grace, but let it slide, thinking maybe some family emergency, or domestic dispute had erupted between you, and you needed to leave quickly. We’ve all been there. I even felt bad when I laughed as I watched you slip on the ice in front of the restaurant’s window. So I bit my cheeks to hide my laughter, and returned my attention to my group of friends.

But now, oh now, I don’t feel bad for laughing as you fell. I wish I had realized that the reason you hauled ass out of there is because my beloved coach purse was being smothered by your disgusting armpit, something I would never do to it. A $450 Coach purse belongs nowhere near the likes of you, or your armpit. Now, I wish I had known that you had stolen my purse, so I could have stepped outside and kicked your balls as you lay on the ground, and spat in your face. Fuck you very much for stealing my purse, my health card, driver’s license, student id, cel phone, mexx glasses, wallet, money, debit cards, but most importantly, oh so VERY IMPORTANTLY, MY FUCKING SOCIAL INSURANCE NUMBER.

I realize it’s not supposed to be in my wallet. I know that was my faux pas. However, pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to has their’s in their wallet as well. So, I figure that softens my stupidity, so thank you masses, for at the very least that. Now, you fucktard, you have the unique ability to steal my identity, apply for credit cards, mortgages, loans, and whatever the fuck else you want to. Kudos, you Douchebag.

I hope your girlfriend, who seemed lovely, by the way, takes a long time to see you for who you really are. I don’t want her to realize now what a piece of shit you are, oh god no. I want her to waste 5-10 more years of her life with you, possibly $20, 000 to $50, 000 on a wedding. I want it to take her a long fucking time to realize that being with someone who doesn’t value you enough to actually buy you nice gifts, is not a good role model, and not someone worth investing your life in. Someone worth knowing would want to earn the gifts they give you. I want you to have wasted your life learning that lesson, after watching you jog after him, running down the street with access to my entire life in your fucking hands. I also wish a plethora of STI’s upon you both.

Thanks for listening, and fuck you very much,
Thalia

2

Ouch. My condolences.

3

You actually love your purse? That is sad.

4

I’d love anything worth $450!

ETA: I know how that feels, being robbed. In college at the gym, someone stole my beloved Seven for Mankind jeans and my Ugg jacket. I like to think that whoever tried to put on those jeans lost circulation right away. Size 25 low rises belong on very few people.

5

Boo fucking hoo. :rolleyes:

6

You poor thing. You’ll be spending the better part of a couple of days getting a replacement drivers license, credit cards, etc. Plus the loss of an expensive bag. All for a couple of bucks. Assfuckers.

7

My wallet was stolen out of my car a few years ago. I didn’t particularly bemoan the loss of the wallet (although it WAS a nice modest black model that fit nicely in the back pocket of my jeans) but god DAMMIT, it’s a pain in the ass to replace your driver’s license, social security card – glad I’m not the only idiot who kept it in her wallet, by the way – debit card, library card, and so on and so forth. Not to mention having to call up various banks and credit card companies and cancel the cards. Having your purse or wallet stolen SUCKS MAJOR ASS, so those of you giving Northern Thalia shit because she’s upset about it, can go cram it.

Northern Thalia, may your wait in line at the motor vehicle bureau be short, may bad karma fall upon the thieves, and may you not have any unexplained charges on your credit card or bank account any time soon.

8

Well, my purse is from Zeller’s, I think, but I’d feel like I was punched in the gut if it were stolen, along with my ID, phone, credit/debit cards and all the essentials. I’m sorry.

Theft is wrong and bad, doesn’t matter if the purse is expensive or not.

(And also, since women carry a purse day in and day out, it’s been recommended to buy a very well-made one, since you use it so much. And a well-made one is likely to cost more.)

9

Yeah, I don’t get the hating on buying or caring about an expensive purse. If someone got their Nintendo Wii stolen, would anyone be making snide remarks about how pathetic it is for an adult to care deeply about video games?

10

Yes, someone here probably would.

Doesn’t make either instance right.

11

I “get” having an expensive purse, I have several. What I don’t “get” is the above.
It stinks that you got robbed, but you need to start paying attention sweety!

People fucking suck. They are liars, cheats, and frauds. My purse is not going with anyone else by force unless they have a weapon. No asschuck is snatching my shit.

Now in saying that, I’m not blaming the victim. But learn a hard, fucked up life lesson. Don’t trust the nice looking couple.

And I hope you don’t have too much trouble getting all your stuff replaced.
May the thievin’ jerks choke on their next meal.

12

Well, yes they probably would. Because adults don’t “care deeply” about video games.

13

God forbid a person develop a sentimental attachment to a personal item.

14

While I appreciate the judgement :dubious: yes, I did fucking love my purse. I had just finished my undergrad, was taking a year off of school to make some money to afford some more education. I was working a less than stellar job, that was a steady stream of nights and weekends. I bought myself a nice purse that I was drooling over.

I’m sure you’ve never purchased something that you’re absolutely thrilled with. No big screen HDTV?? If you don’t understand the concept of treating yourself, and enjoying the fruits of your labour, then THAT is sad.

15

Welcome to the Straight Dope, you little shit.

Have a look around, catch the sights, enjoy the view.

Learn some fucking manners.

Enjoy your stay!

ETA: Sorry about all the havoc that’s been visited upon your life as a result of this, Northern Thalia

16

The worst part was I gave it to my boyfriend to put behind his chair, because he was up against the wall. We were the table right next to the corner, and the people that happened to be seated in the corner happened to be assholes. I had attempted to protect my stuff, but it’s like the stars aligned for me to get fucked. C’est la vie.

When I was in Barcelona, a cab driver dropped me off in the middle of nowhere, and was talking in Spanish on his cell the entire ride. I don’t understand Spanish (I’m Canadian). So, shockingly, about 2 minutes after I get out of the cab, two guys try to mug me. I ended up winning what turned out to be a scary game of tug of war over my purse, and the people around me were treated to a very rousing rendition of me screaming every obscenity I know. So believe me, had I seen the guy take it, there would have been one hell of a fight.

17

Yeah, my mom has a similar story about people grabbing her purse–you can never be too careful. It’s why I always try to keep my purse in my lap when I’m out. There were some policemen handing out fliers about this a few months ago near where I live. Purse snatchers…can’t live with them…can’t feed them to the cthulu you keep in your basement.

18

Yes, I have a wonderful 53" HDTV. It’s really too big to steal, but if it suddenly died I would be upset. However, while I like it, I don’t love it. What is sad is investing all that emotional weight to a thing – ANY thing.

19

Right. At a certain age, all young men and women realize that material possessions are meaningless, and like Carol Stream, give away everything they own and live as ascetics.

20

Northern Thalia, I’m really sorry for your loss of a good purse and the the incredible mess of cancellations and renewals that you’re facing.

In your post, you seem to assume that the nice-seeming lady was not a party to this. I tend to believe they were in this together, that behaving as an ordinary couple is part of the way to let people drop their guard. The only good thing is you would have noticed it right away and cancelled your credit cards etc.

My husband had his wallet stolen recently in Montreal, and only noticed it was gone on Monday (it was likely stolen on Friday). Everything turned out ok, but there were a few stressful days as a result of that, I tell ya.